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Hi Melissa,
I’m so terribly sorry about losing your cousin. Death has to be one of the most challenging aspects of life. It can activate such powerlessness and absolutely makes you think about your own life and those around you. How are you doing? Were you close? Was it a surprise or expected at some point, because of a disease?
I was wondering how you were going to handle my last post. I know I was a bit more blunt or harsh about it. My efforts / intention was to try to get you off the “middle of the road” syndrome. You are not happy with him and you don’t want to be without him. So that puts you right smack dab in the middle, not making any decisions, sitting with 1 foot in and 1 foot out. Whenever we sit in the middle zone, not making any decisions, an effective thing to do is to just make a decision by jumping out of the middle zone. Once we decide, we get A LOT more information we need, in order to choose we either want to stay on the side we jumped into, or get out and jump back to the other side.
I’m glad he is being really wonderful right now. It is so darn helpful and comforting during this time for you. He is pretty wonderful when things are good. I’m so happy he is supporting you and taking care of you right now the best he can. I like that you are just going to enjoy that right now and embrace it and let all of it in. Your heart needs some nourishment.Heidi
Hi Sharon,
Breakups and the loss of love hurt so much. What is making this even more difficult, is you really have no closure as to why this happened the way it did. Like you said, you are still in shock.
One of the things that is causing so much suffering are the stories you are telling yourself about all of this. The brain does that in efforts to create some kind of closure. The thing is, you don’t have enough information to do that, so you end up having looping thoughts over and over and over again and you keep suffering. I’d like to encourage you to create closure for yourself. Anytime you find yourself thinking about what happened and why, stop the story by just saying, “It’s over. I’m okay. I am resilient. I am healing.” Repeat that over and over and over again. When you start to think about how much you miss his affection and love, say that sentence. The healing process will take a REALLY LONG time if you keep allowing yourself to indulge in what you don’t have anymore, how much you miss him and what went wrong. This is now about you controlling your thoughts that are feeding the emotions of suffering. Here are 2 really good exercises you can start to do.
1. Get some balloons. When you are having a hard time, blow up a balloon and imagine that with each breath you use to blow up the balloon, you are letting those emotions leave your body and enter into the balloon. Once the balloon is full, hold the end tightly closed, take a pin and then pop it. Hold the intention to allow all of that energy in the balloon to be released the moment you pop it.
2. Get some paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side, write a sentence about how you feel. On the right side, write the sentence “I choose to forgive you.” For example, on the left side: I am so hurt that you just left me like that with no warning. On the right side: I choose to forgive you. Keep doing that with ALL of your thoughts. Over and over and over again.
Doing techniques like this can help the big emotional rollercoaster ride get a lot smaller. You will start to notice the emotional swings are less and less and you will start to heal.
Hang in there Sharon. Your heart is healing every single day, little bits at a time.
Heidi
Hi Emily,
I’m so so sorry for what you are going through. It is so incredibly difficult to watch someone you love, slip through your fingers. It’s a very powerless feeling, especially when nothing really happened to cause the breakup. It’s not about you, it’s about his fear.
He definitely still cares for you. He is just split. Imagine he has 2 parts of himself…his adult and his child. His child is the one who carries all the fear. His adult is the one who loves you. Right now, his child is in the driver’s seat. His fear is SO BIG and there is a reason for that. Something happened in his life to make him so afraid of love and being vulnerable. Whatever happened and hurt it caused, never has been resolved. Most likely, it happened in his childhood and most likely it happened many times over to make his fear so big. Everything he has said to you, is a lot of low self esteem talk that has lived inside of him all his life. That talk is SO darn loud and powerful. It is what fuels the power of his little boy being in the driver’s seat. His adult will reach out and want to connect, but then the little boy will knock him to the back seat again pretty quickly. This is what happens when you come across someone who is split…meaning they have 2 parts of themselves battling against each other.
What is so incredibly hard about this, is the most you can ever do are 2 things: try to support them through it or disconnect completely. Supporting them through it, takes an incredible amount of work. It means knowing that they are unpredictable, it means knowing they are going to hurt you whenever the child part of them gets into the driver’s seat, it means not knowing if it will ever end…which is highly likely. The way to resolve the split is by connecting to the emotional wounds you carry and healing those parts of yourself. Otherwise, nothing much changes. If you disconnect completely, sometimes it puts them in enough pain that it makes them fight for more in their life. The fear of losing you becomes greater than the fear of being with you. That typically doesn’t last long. As soon as you reconnect with him, old patterns will show back up again unless he does some healing work. I’m hoping this will help you understand a little more about what is happening for him. This is not about you, it’s about what he carries inside of him, before you ever came along.
With that being said, a relationship with this guy is going to be very hard and full of a lot of drama. He has a lot of low self esteem that is running the show and that is something you cannot fix for him. You can love him all you want, but it soon will be a full time job. That hard part is, things are super wonderful as well and that just feels amazing. I know a connection like that doesn’t come along often and I completely understand why you would want to fight for him.
It’s just going to take time. For now, I think it’s a good idea to keep your distance and keep allowing him to initiate contact more often than you. Keep it light, keep it friendly and keep it fun. It will remind him of how much fun you are for him. I would suggest to stay away from talking about the relationship. The moment he feels pressure (even when there isn’t any) he will run. He has a very sacred little boy in the driver’s seat right now. So focus on creating the friendship. Send funny videos, keep teaching him about you and things you are learning in your life and basically, be the adult and keep things calm. This will help him feel more and more safe with you over time to open back up. I have no idea how long it will take, but you will need some patience.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
Keep venting! Come here blabber on for 2 more paragraphs! It’s all good. It doesn’t have to be positive. When you write and vent, it gets the energy out and keeps it moving vs. staying stuck inside. This is a safe place to do all of that…it’s what we are here for.
There is NOTHING you have done wrong here. His reactions and how he is handling this, is about what he carries inside of him. You keep trying to make sense of what is happening through logic and that will NEVER work. What is happening is NOT logical, it’s psychological. It’s not about the events that happened or his perception of your controlling behavior. That is just the cover story, but nowhere near the truth about what is causing his ghosting.
Look, we are all far from perfect. We all do controlling things, messy things, we all have low self esteem and that means…WE ALL MESS UP! We will all do things that will cause hurt, we all get triggered. It is inevitable. So let’s say you were controlling. So what! It’s just one of the issues that you need to work on. AND YOU ARE and that is all that can be asked from you!!! That Dana, is what is more important than anything. Working on your own issues is what will make a relationship work long term. Not working on them (like your guy) is what will break the relationship. That truly is the bottom line here. The details about whether or not you were controlling, the details about the fight, the details about what was said…NONE OF THAT MATTERS! What matters is what you do with your reaction. He is so fragile. He is not able to handle being authentic, being honest, being vulnerable, taking responsibility for himself. So basically, anything you do can set him off. The problem is not that you set him off (from his perspective), the problem is that he is fragile and can’t handle it. He is not set up to be happy. He is not set up to handle being triggered in a healthy way. He is not set up to be able to have a healthy relationship, even in the worst moments.
Now, let’s talk about you. You have a lot of anger. Let’s work you through all of that. Just as his reaction of ghosting is about what he carries inside of him, your reaction is about what you carry inside of you. If you are willing, I’d love to hear more about it. Instead of speaking from the place of what he did to you, talk from the place about how it feels. You have repeated several times now, “it’s not fair.” I’d like to hear more about that as well.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I love your attitude about your job. You are putting the feelers out there, you are communicating, you are making yourself known and available. I have no doubt, there will be something that will plop right into your lap just when the timing is right. I will definitely listen to that some later on today!
As far as your reaction about Peter, you are SPOT ON! Well done! This guy is not really interested in relationship. He is more interested in someone fitting into his “box” and filling the hole that he feels. You guys haven’t even met in person yet and he wants to talk about what a relationship should be like??? Run the other way! Listen to yourself and trust what your intuition is telling you!
I wish for a spectacular weekend to come your way! I am dog sitting a couple of higher energy dogs, so I plan on heading out on a hike with them and connecting with our beautiful mother earth! Love it!
Heidi
Hi Candace,
Let’s start with re-defining the word attractive. Haven’t you ever come across a really attractive person, but they are ugly on the inside and therefore they are less attractive? Or people who are not so attractive who are so darn beautiful on the inside and then their outside becomes more beautiful? I always love to reference Oprah or Queen Latifah. They both are considered overweight women, but man are they powerful! They can walk into a room and instantly get noticed. Yes, they are famous now, but truth is, they had to carry that energy to even get noticed in the first place. I would suggest watching the movie “Last Holiday.” I think it perfectly displays this concept. Queen Latifah starts out as one personality and then shifts into her power and completely changes everything, including how she looks. It’s kind of a silly/dumb movie, but it’s sweet and really sends a good message. Here is the trailer:
https://binged.it/2R4yp1aOnline dating is tough for anyone, fat or skinny, attractive or not attractive. I can’t even begin to name the hundreds of people, of varying race and size etc. that get ghosted, that get rejected, that get played, that get lied to, that get abandoned, that don’t get attention. Online dating does not discriminate against anyone. ALL TYPES have trouble AND all types have also found success. Personally for me, I go online once every few years, for about 1 or 2 months and then I just can’t stand it anymore. With as much as I know and understand about myself, online dating and love/relationships…I even struggle. So I just do it for a little bit, with a very specific intention and then I let it go when I start to feel I lose my balance and my low self esteem is getting triggered.
So let’s talk about how you view yourself. Here is just 1 question to start with. Would you want to date you? Would you want to be in love with you?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Of course it’s hard on you. You guys have a loooong history together. I’m glad you are getting angry at him. Since you never used to get angry at him, I am wondering if maybe you pushed a lot of feelings down and now the flood gates are opening. Thoughts on that?
What needs to happen is clarity for you. You have a lot of feelings happening for you right, and for good reason. Would you be willing to work with a therapist?
The thing is, you want to improve communication and you want a better marriage, but HOW do you want to go about creating that? If he comes back, what ACTIONS and PLAN are you both going to commit to so you can create a happier marriage? This is where you both will need some extra help and guidance. Having healthy communication is a skill. Having a healthy relationship is also a skill. You both will need to get some guidance and deepen your understanding of how to create what you want. So is finding a therapist something you are willing to do and do you think he would be willing as well? I love the Gottman institute. There methods are spectacular for helping couples heal. Go to http://www.gottman.com and there are a TON of articles, workshops, books and “find a therapist” that has been trained by their methods. Maybe that is a place you can start.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Saruga,
I find it interesting that you are thinking about disconnecting from him completely. If that is what will help you let go of him, then it’s a good idea. Sometimes, when you disconnect completely, the heart can really close the door and heal and move on. Sometimes staying connected, even through just Instagram, can hurt the heart over and over and over again, each time he responds or doesn’t respond or each time he posts a picture of his own life.
At the same time, staying connected on Instagram, keeps some level of connection going. If that feels okay for you, then I would suggest to keep it going. It has the potential to grow into something more at some point and even start up conversations.
So it’s really up to you and how you feel about it. I thought he was a friend for you, but maybe you don’t feel that way anymore.
Heidi
That is so interesting about the Paris Fireman. I wonder why they set it up like that. I’m sure there was a reason that was valid way back then. Today, I’m sure those reasons are no longer valid. Maybe it’s more a pain in the ass to switch everything over, than to just keep it the same. I’m glad he likes his job though. That is so important in life! So his position doesn’t sound like he is one of the fireman that gets called out to fires in the city. It sounds like he is in charge of one particular area…am I understanding this correctly?
Okay…I love that you looked up if the letter/year thing was just cats and dogs or dogs. What a strange thing. I wonder who started that and why.
I love that he is close with his sisters and they like each other. That is sooooo important. Getting involved with someone who doesn’t really like their own family can bring a lot of stress into the relationship. It sounds like he has a stable relationship with everyone and they all like each other. What about his mom? It sounds like his dad is helping him with the house, so does he like his mom? What about you? I don’t know much about your own family relationships. I’d love to hear about it.
As far as talking about past relationships, I guess I don’t really view telling stories about your past as “living in the past.” To me, living in the past means there are still a lot of emotions about the past, that are affecting the present moment. For example, let’s say his last girlfriend cheated on him and he never really forgave her completely. Because of that, he meets you and has his guard up and has some jealousy/controlling issues. I would consider his jealousy/controlling issues “living in the past.” Otherwise, just sharing stories and memories about your life before you met, is just that….sharing. Talking about memories with an ex, really is no different than telling a story about your first crush in 1st grade. The story itself isn’t living in the past, unless the energy of the story is still affecting you today. Just offering a different way to look at it.
Heidi
Hi Shelby,
Thank you for sharing more information! This is some good stuff.
First, well done on getting help and working on yourself! Many people will not take those steps to connect to their limiting patterns and beliefs and work on healing them. It’s not the most fun thing to do, right? No matter what happens, your decision to break up with him, could have been the best thing you ever did. That breakup has taken you down a really wonderful path of self realization and awareness that may not have happened at this time. The sooner you get to know yourself deeper, the higher the chance you have for a more healthy relationship. I’m glad to hear you have changed. Don’t be surprised though, if you get back together and some of those things you are working on, still show up in some way. Reality is, you will always get triggered, the rest of your life. What is important is to first recognize what a trigger looks and feels like for you and then how to handle it in a healthy way. There are all kinds of techniques you can do to manage your emotions right in the moment and then it’s always good to have a therapist / coach or a specialist of some sort, to help you when those bigger triggers show up. Having a plan like that will create the most success for you.
It sounds like you guys have a really wonderful connection. Being best friends is so important for the foundation of your relationship. I’m wondering though, since you guys are in your mid 20s, maybe him taking extended time is about him wanting to just explore a little more. The 20’s is such an important developmental time in life. It’s the decade where you leave the nest and go figure things out on your own. It’s the time to experiment and try on all sorts of things…jobs, dating, beliefs, where and how you live, how to manage money etc. I’m wondering if something in him would like to just have some time to figure out who he is, separate than you. Do you feel like this may be influencing him a bit?
I like your plan of waiting for a month and not rushing this. Giving this a lot of room to breathe, is showing that you respect him and his needs as well as having patience. This is fundamental to developing a healthy relationship. You are thinking about him and what he needs and valuing that just as much, if not more than what you want right now. You are doing a spectacular job.
The thing is, he knows you really well and will see the changes you have made, even if you never told him a word. I’d like to invite you to think about not trying to convince him of anything or try to get your point across. That is a stressful and needy type of mindset. What if you lead with the mindset of trust. You trust that no matter what happens, you will be okay. You trust that whatever happens, is what is the best for both of you. When you lead with trust, there is no trying to force or convince….there is just being in the moment. Imagine that you just share all the new and amazing things you have learned about yourself with your best friend. You are sharing, not because you want to convince him to come back to you, but because he is your best friend and it feels really amazing to be known by him. You are sharing, because you like talking to him. You are sharing, because you know that he would like to know. You are sharing with an attachment to the end result. That is the most powerful way to connect with him. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Thanks for sharing all of this.
Let’s look at this statement “My home, is incomplete without the presence of a man.” I wonder why you believe this. Of course you can make your small apartment feel like home. I recently moved from a 3,000 square foot home to my now 800 square foot place. My tiny little place is soooo perfect and I LOVE IT! It’s so cozy and wonderful. There is not a single item in my space that I don’t love. Every item has meaning and purpose for me. When people walk into my space, they relax. I’ve created a very specific feeling of calm and regeneration. My place is quite beautiful too. Lots of plants, beautiful paintings and artwork. I also do have a dog AND I dog sit all of the time. I have had 6 dogs in my space many times. It’s totally fine! I just make sure we frequent the dog park near by or we go on long walks, so I can get a lot of their energy out. The dogs know that once we enter into my home, it’s time to rest. This space is temporary. I am not going to be here forever. Yet…I feel like it’s my home. It’s safe, it’s restorative and love being here. Just because it is temporary, does not mean I cannot create a wonderful home in the meantime. It’s about being present. RIGHT NOW is all we ever really have, so why hold back on anything, just because you are leaving at some point? RIGHT NOW, I want a home that I love, so I’m going to create it and that’s that. And there is no man here. I am empowered to create and meet every single one of my needs, without another person doing it for me. Life is too short to spend it not feeling whole and complete, just by myself. The more whole and complete I feel alone, the better lover, partner, teammate I will be in a relationship. I want and will attract a very healthy, nourishing and high functioning relationship into my life and I will accept nothing less than that. That means, I have to be able to be that myself first and foremost. The healthier and happier I am, with just myself, I will attract a healthier and happier man into my life. So…this is why I want to encourage you to take responsibility for your pure joy, pleasure and happiness in your life, without needing a man to feel complete. As long as you are needing a man for anything, you will attract a man who is also incomplete alone, which invites quite a bit of drama into a relationship. Just something to think about.
I love how you talk about men and how much you truly enjoy them. It’s beautiful! Now imagine talking that way about women as well. I know it wouldn’t be exactly the same, but imagine appreciating and valuing female energy to the same level you value men. Imagine feeling out of balance when there are only men in the store and no women. I know…this is tough for you. Can you see how this might be important for you? Is this something you are even interested in attaining?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
What a beautiful desire. I too have been in transit for a very long time. For the first time in over 20 years, where I live at the moment is the longest I have stayed anywhere (7 years). Like you, something in me started to really crave growing some roots somewhere, so now I have and it’s feels so great! It’s absolutely possible to create that “home” feeling without needing a man!
Tell me a little more about this. What does a home feel like for you? What is missing in your life right now, that makes you feel like you are in a home. What qualities are you looking for? What is your vision?
I’m also curious, what was going on for you that day, that you had such a hard time? Did something trigger you? Or did you just wake up depressed and it wasn’t until the end of the day that you connected to what it was about?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
I am just so sorry this is happening. He did break a promise. In the moment, I have no doubt that he meant every word and had every intention of keeping it. He is just really wounded Dana. This behavior of his exists, because he is carrying around an incredible amount of pain. Him disconnecting is how he personally is responding and protecting himself from further hurt. It’s how he has coped in his life. He had to learn some type of survival mechanism somewhere along the way, because someone was hurting him enough. This kind of stuff gets developed as a child. Back then, this coping mechanism worked for him. We all develop different ways to survive the pain we experience in our lives. The thing is, as much as it may work and help us when we are children, it ends up hurting us as adults. What starts out as serving us, ends up hurting us later on. He has no control over what he is doing. He little boy energy is sooooooo strong and has taken over his adult. His little boy energy is functioning from a place of fear and doing everything he can not to get hurt anymore. He is going to stay in control over what he does for a period of time until his adult energy is able to take back over. His adult side, is the one who made the promise to you. His adult side is the one who got back together with you and really was having fun connecting with you. That little boy energy is just sitting there, waiting for any small excuse to pop out, take over and sabotage everything. And again, that little boy energy is sooooo strong and he will not take a back seat until he feels good and ready. That just tells me how much pain he is actually carrying. That amount of pain is what fuels the fear and what triggers his coping mechanism to ghost and run away. I feel really sad for him, more than anything. I know what he carries. I know a lot of what he is feeling and how much it controls him. I would never wish that on anyone.
I’m so sorry you have to be on the other end of this. It’s awful and it’s very damaging. Ghosting is one of the most painful things to have to experience from someone you love, because there is no closure. Even if you were fighting, that would at least mean there was a connection. Whenever I disconnected from my guy, I knew very well how much it was hurting him. It’s part of why I chose to do that. It was a very passive aggressive way to get back at him for hurting me. I remember watching myself do this to guy after guy, causing shit storms. I would just sit back and watch them get hurt and do nothing about it. Again, the amount of pain I was carrying at the time allowed me not to care enough to do anything about it. It was so strong in me and it took me years of very deep work to undo and release what I was carrying. This is not about you Dana. Your love and care are what is triggering him deep inside. He would not be able to connect to this or even understand it. I doubt he even understands what is happening for him and why he is responding the way he is. His system that is terrified and full of pain, is protecting him from loving, because love isn’t safe. It’s not safe to be vulnerable. It’s not safe to be happy. It’s not safe to show emotion. I guarantee he has some of those beliefs at the core of who he is…subconsciously.
Calling him out on it, will do not good. Like you already experienced, all it does is activate his defenses. Your coach talking to him would just cause havoc and most likely he would just become angry. He needs to find emotional safety again, before he re-connects. But remember, there is nothing you have done wrong, to cause this level of reaction. It’s not about you. You just are the one who happened to push the button. It’s not your fault the button is there. It’s the fault of the people who caused him so much harm as a child. Who knows…he may not even remember. The majority of my trauma was so buried, I didn’t remember the full story until my 30’s. He will deal with this for the rest of his life unless he gets some help and finds someone who is very skilled at unraveling what is happening for him.I hope this helps you understand more about what is happening for him. I know it doesn’t change your anger or your very deep hurt. I know it doesn’t really change the tears you shed for him. What is so crucial for you, is to find your center again. You keep working out, you keep loving Cass, as he will be able to give you love in return…and you need that right now. You activate all of your support system. You find ways to go have some fun. YOU HAVE TO FIGHT FOR YOURSELF right now. I know you don’t feel like it, but do it anyways. Don’t you dare give him that much power to ruin your life and suck you into this pain. Fight for yourself. Be kind, be gentle, allow your tears and then compliment that with watching a really good movie next to your pup. Make a super yummy dinner or get take out and just let yourself sink into an inspiring move and give yourself a break from the hurt. Tell me what other kinds of things you are going to do to love yourself??
Heidi
Hahahaha! Superhero it is then! The body, the career, the multitasking….yep…it fits! lol
That’s really interesting about his career. I’ve never heard of that process before. It makes sense if it actually a military job. I wonder why it is like that only in Paris and nowhere else. Does he have a certain status he is reaching for specifically, above and beyond requirements? Or is he good with just climbing the ranks according to the requirements.
As far as past relationships, I’m curious why you don’t like talking about your past? Yes, the past is the past, however it’s also just another story to learn and know about each other. Over time, you share stories of high school, childhood, family stories…why not relationship stories? Those stories are just as valuable and important than other story. It tells you what has shaped him, especially romantically. It also will reveal places that may not have healed yet, which are important things to be aware of. Just something to think about.
And the letter matched with the year tradition is so interesting! So when the alphabet runs out, it just starts over again? Is this true only for pets or other things too?
How does he talk about his sisters? Does he like them? What was his relationship like with them, while growing up?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Thank you for sharing more details. It’s really helpful! I understand better where you stand and a little better picture about what he is dealing with.
I do wonder if the ketamine treatment had some influence. I know of 3 different people who decided to go that route. One person had a positive response and the other 2 had some pretty intense responses that made them not want to go back. Was this his first treatment? If I remember correctly, there is a series, right?
My other thought is that if he is dealing with depressions, there is a lot of the feeling of powerlessness that comes along with it. Your friend lost her husband and has some pretty challenging situations at home. She may have been able to activate his “hero instinct” which would make him feel needed and powerful, instead of powerless. Maybe with you, he doesn’t feel so powerful, because you don’t really “need” him. This, of course, is not about you. He may be grasping at anything that makes him feel good. For him to claim that he doesn’t love you anymore and all of a sudden loves her…well, it’s just the hormones and chemicals talking, not REAL love. He sounds very lost. Has he ever gotten help to deal with this? Like a coach or therapist?
As far as what you do next, I would like to guide you into thinking more about yourself first. I know you want him back, but let’s say he does come back. Does that mean you completely ignore everything that has happened? What do you want to have happen if he comes back? What do you want from him? It’s important to get SUPER clear about this, before having any kind of conversation with him.
Heidi
