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That is so interesting about the Paris Fireman. I wonder why they set it up like that. I’m sure there was a reason that was valid way back then. Today, I’m sure those reasons are no longer valid. Maybe it’s more a pain in the ass to switch everything over, than to just keep it the same. I’m glad he likes his job though. That is so important in life! So his position doesn’t sound like he is one of the fireman that gets called out to fires in the city. It sounds like he is in charge of one particular area…am I understanding this correctly?
Okay…I love that you looked up if the letter/year thing was just cats and dogs or dogs. What a strange thing. I wonder who started that and why.
I love that he is close with his sisters and they like each other. That is sooooo important. Getting involved with someone who doesn’t really like their own family can bring a lot of stress into the relationship. It sounds like he has a stable relationship with everyone and they all like each other. What about his mom? It sounds like his dad is helping him with the house, so does he like his mom? What about you? I don’t know much about your own family relationships. I’d love to hear about it.
As far as talking about past relationships, I guess I don’t really view telling stories about your past as “living in the past.” To me, living in the past means there are still a lot of emotions about the past, that are affecting the present moment. For example, let’s say his last girlfriend cheated on him and he never really forgave her completely. Because of that, he meets you and has his guard up and has some jealousy/controlling issues. I would consider his jealousy/controlling issues “living in the past.” Otherwise, just sharing stories and memories about your life before you met, is just that….sharing. Talking about memories with an ex, really is no different than telling a story about your first crush in 1st grade. The story itself isn’t living in the past, unless the energy of the story is still affecting you today. Just offering a different way to look at it.
Heidi
Hi Shelby,
Thank you for sharing more information! This is some good stuff.
First, well done on getting help and working on yourself! Many people will not take those steps to connect to their limiting patterns and beliefs and work on healing them. It’s not the most fun thing to do, right? No matter what happens, your decision to break up with him, could have been the best thing you ever did. That breakup has taken you down a really wonderful path of self realization and awareness that may not have happened at this time. The sooner you get to know yourself deeper, the higher the chance you have for a more healthy relationship. I’m glad to hear you have changed. Don’t be surprised though, if you get back together and some of those things you are working on, still show up in some way. Reality is, you will always get triggered, the rest of your life. What is important is to first recognize what a trigger looks and feels like for you and then how to handle it in a healthy way. There are all kinds of techniques you can do to manage your emotions right in the moment and then it’s always good to have a therapist / coach or a specialist of some sort, to help you when those bigger triggers show up. Having a plan like that will create the most success for you.
It sounds like you guys have a really wonderful connection. Being best friends is so important for the foundation of your relationship. I’m wondering though, since you guys are in your mid 20s, maybe him taking extended time is about him wanting to just explore a little more. The 20’s is such an important developmental time in life. It’s the decade where you leave the nest and go figure things out on your own. It’s the time to experiment and try on all sorts of things…jobs, dating, beliefs, where and how you live, how to manage money etc. I’m wondering if something in him would like to just have some time to figure out who he is, separate than you. Do you feel like this may be influencing him a bit?
I like your plan of waiting for a month and not rushing this. Giving this a lot of room to breathe, is showing that you respect him and his needs as well as having patience. This is fundamental to developing a healthy relationship. You are thinking about him and what he needs and valuing that just as much, if not more than what you want right now. You are doing a spectacular job.
The thing is, he knows you really well and will see the changes you have made, even if you never told him a word. I’d like to invite you to think about not trying to convince him of anything or try to get your point across. That is a stressful and needy type of mindset. What if you lead with the mindset of trust. You trust that no matter what happens, you will be okay. You trust that whatever happens, is what is the best for both of you. When you lead with trust, there is no trying to force or convince….there is just being in the moment. Imagine that you just share all the new and amazing things you have learned about yourself with your best friend. You are sharing, not because you want to convince him to come back to you, but because he is your best friend and it feels really amazing to be known by him. You are sharing, because you like talking to him. You are sharing, because you know that he would like to know. You are sharing with an attachment to the end result. That is the most powerful way to connect with him. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Thanks for sharing all of this.
Let’s look at this statement “My home, is incomplete without the presence of a man.” I wonder why you believe this. Of course you can make your small apartment feel like home. I recently moved from a 3,000 square foot home to my now 800 square foot place. My tiny little place is soooo perfect and I LOVE IT! It’s so cozy and wonderful. There is not a single item in my space that I don’t love. Every item has meaning and purpose for me. When people walk into my space, they relax. I’ve created a very specific feeling of calm and regeneration. My place is quite beautiful too. Lots of plants, beautiful paintings and artwork. I also do have a dog AND I dog sit all of the time. I have had 6 dogs in my space many times. It’s totally fine! I just make sure we frequent the dog park near by or we go on long walks, so I can get a lot of their energy out. The dogs know that once we enter into my home, it’s time to rest. This space is temporary. I am not going to be here forever. Yet…I feel like it’s my home. It’s safe, it’s restorative and love being here. Just because it is temporary, does not mean I cannot create a wonderful home in the meantime. It’s about being present. RIGHT NOW is all we ever really have, so why hold back on anything, just because you are leaving at some point? RIGHT NOW, I want a home that I love, so I’m going to create it and that’s that. And there is no man here. I am empowered to create and meet every single one of my needs, without another person doing it for me. Life is too short to spend it not feeling whole and complete, just by myself. The more whole and complete I feel alone, the better lover, partner, teammate I will be in a relationship. I want and will attract a very healthy, nourishing and high functioning relationship into my life and I will accept nothing less than that. That means, I have to be able to be that myself first and foremost. The healthier and happier I am, with just myself, I will attract a healthier and happier man into my life. So…this is why I want to encourage you to take responsibility for your pure joy, pleasure and happiness in your life, without needing a man to feel complete. As long as you are needing a man for anything, you will attract a man who is also incomplete alone, which invites quite a bit of drama into a relationship. Just something to think about.
I love how you talk about men and how much you truly enjoy them. It’s beautiful! Now imagine talking that way about women as well. I know it wouldn’t be exactly the same, but imagine appreciating and valuing female energy to the same level you value men. Imagine feeling out of balance when there are only men in the store and no women. I know…this is tough for you. Can you see how this might be important for you? Is this something you are even interested in attaining?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
What a beautiful desire. I too have been in transit for a very long time. For the first time in over 20 years, where I live at the moment is the longest I have stayed anywhere (7 years). Like you, something in me started to really crave growing some roots somewhere, so now I have and it’s feels so great! It’s absolutely possible to create that “home” feeling without needing a man!
Tell me a little more about this. What does a home feel like for you? What is missing in your life right now, that makes you feel like you are in a home. What qualities are you looking for? What is your vision?
I’m also curious, what was going on for you that day, that you had such a hard time? Did something trigger you? Or did you just wake up depressed and it wasn’t until the end of the day that you connected to what it was about?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
I am just so sorry this is happening. He did break a promise. In the moment, I have no doubt that he meant every word and had every intention of keeping it. He is just really wounded Dana. This behavior of his exists, because he is carrying around an incredible amount of pain. Him disconnecting is how he personally is responding and protecting himself from further hurt. It’s how he has coped in his life. He had to learn some type of survival mechanism somewhere along the way, because someone was hurting him enough. This kind of stuff gets developed as a child. Back then, this coping mechanism worked for him. We all develop different ways to survive the pain we experience in our lives. The thing is, as much as it may work and help us when we are children, it ends up hurting us as adults. What starts out as serving us, ends up hurting us later on. He has no control over what he is doing. He little boy energy is sooooooo strong and has taken over his adult. His little boy energy is functioning from a place of fear and doing everything he can not to get hurt anymore. He is going to stay in control over what he does for a period of time until his adult energy is able to take back over. His adult side, is the one who made the promise to you. His adult side is the one who got back together with you and really was having fun connecting with you. That little boy energy is just sitting there, waiting for any small excuse to pop out, take over and sabotage everything. And again, that little boy energy is sooooo strong and he will not take a back seat until he feels good and ready. That just tells me how much pain he is actually carrying. That amount of pain is what fuels the fear and what triggers his coping mechanism to ghost and run away. I feel really sad for him, more than anything. I know what he carries. I know a lot of what he is feeling and how much it controls him. I would never wish that on anyone.
I’m so sorry you have to be on the other end of this. It’s awful and it’s very damaging. Ghosting is one of the most painful things to have to experience from someone you love, because there is no closure. Even if you were fighting, that would at least mean there was a connection. Whenever I disconnected from my guy, I knew very well how much it was hurting him. It’s part of why I chose to do that. It was a very passive aggressive way to get back at him for hurting me. I remember watching myself do this to guy after guy, causing shit storms. I would just sit back and watch them get hurt and do nothing about it. Again, the amount of pain I was carrying at the time allowed me not to care enough to do anything about it. It was so strong in me and it took me years of very deep work to undo and release what I was carrying. This is not about you Dana. Your love and care are what is triggering him deep inside. He would not be able to connect to this or even understand it. I doubt he even understands what is happening for him and why he is responding the way he is. His system that is terrified and full of pain, is protecting him from loving, because love isn’t safe. It’s not safe to be vulnerable. It’s not safe to be happy. It’s not safe to show emotion. I guarantee he has some of those beliefs at the core of who he is…subconsciously.
Calling him out on it, will do not good. Like you already experienced, all it does is activate his defenses. Your coach talking to him would just cause havoc and most likely he would just become angry. He needs to find emotional safety again, before he re-connects. But remember, there is nothing you have done wrong, to cause this level of reaction. It’s not about you. You just are the one who happened to push the button. It’s not your fault the button is there. It’s the fault of the people who caused him so much harm as a child. Who knows…he may not even remember. The majority of my trauma was so buried, I didn’t remember the full story until my 30’s. He will deal with this for the rest of his life unless he gets some help and finds someone who is very skilled at unraveling what is happening for him.I hope this helps you understand more about what is happening for him. I know it doesn’t change your anger or your very deep hurt. I know it doesn’t really change the tears you shed for him. What is so crucial for you, is to find your center again. You keep working out, you keep loving Cass, as he will be able to give you love in return…and you need that right now. You activate all of your support system. You find ways to go have some fun. YOU HAVE TO FIGHT FOR YOURSELF right now. I know you don’t feel like it, but do it anyways. Don’t you dare give him that much power to ruin your life and suck you into this pain. Fight for yourself. Be kind, be gentle, allow your tears and then compliment that with watching a really good movie next to your pup. Make a super yummy dinner or get take out and just let yourself sink into an inspiring move and give yourself a break from the hurt. Tell me what other kinds of things you are going to do to love yourself??
Heidi
Hahahaha! Superhero it is then! The body, the career, the multitasking….yep…it fits! lol
That’s really interesting about his career. I’ve never heard of that process before. It makes sense if it actually a military job. I wonder why it is like that only in Paris and nowhere else. Does he have a certain status he is reaching for specifically, above and beyond requirements? Or is he good with just climbing the ranks according to the requirements.
As far as past relationships, I’m curious why you don’t like talking about your past? Yes, the past is the past, however it’s also just another story to learn and know about each other. Over time, you share stories of high school, childhood, family stories…why not relationship stories? Those stories are just as valuable and important than other story. It tells you what has shaped him, especially romantically. It also will reveal places that may not have healed yet, which are important things to be aware of. Just something to think about.
And the letter matched with the year tradition is so interesting! So when the alphabet runs out, it just starts over again? Is this true only for pets or other things too?
How does he talk about his sisters? Does he like them? What was his relationship like with them, while growing up?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Thank you for sharing more details. It’s really helpful! I understand better where you stand and a little better picture about what he is dealing with.
I do wonder if the ketamine treatment had some influence. I know of 3 different people who decided to go that route. One person had a positive response and the other 2 had some pretty intense responses that made them not want to go back. Was this his first treatment? If I remember correctly, there is a series, right?
My other thought is that if he is dealing with depressions, there is a lot of the feeling of powerlessness that comes along with it. Your friend lost her husband and has some pretty challenging situations at home. She may have been able to activate his “hero instinct” which would make him feel needed and powerful, instead of powerless. Maybe with you, he doesn’t feel so powerful, because you don’t really “need” him. This, of course, is not about you. He may be grasping at anything that makes him feel good. For him to claim that he doesn’t love you anymore and all of a sudden loves her…well, it’s just the hormones and chemicals talking, not REAL love. He sounds very lost. Has he ever gotten help to deal with this? Like a coach or therapist?
As far as what you do next, I would like to guide you into thinking more about yourself first. I know you want him back, but let’s say he does come back. Does that mean you completely ignore everything that has happened? What do you want to have happen if he comes back? What do you want from him? It’s important to get SUPER clear about this, before having any kind of conversation with him.
Heidi
Good to hear Candace! After posting this movie, I saved it to my playlist, as I need to watch it again. It is inspiring. I remember when it first came out, how many women just flocked to it and came out feeling so much better about themselves. I remember when the Facebook post went viral. She did an incredible thing by putting this out there, despite all the criticism she received in the process. She is a role model for me.
So how are you feeling now? What is going on for you? I would like to keep talking about this and giving you ideas about how you can better connect with yourself. It’s a daily practice Candace. If you want to attract a man who loves you deeply and intimately, it starts with you doing that for yourself first. Healing all those blocks that prevent you from connecting to the beauty that you are, is such an important journey.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Shelby,
Welcome! We are glad you are here. I can totally understand why your anxiety is shooting through the roof right now. It’s awful sitting in the “unknown” place with no direction.
Let’s talk about your relationship first. What was going on for you that you asked to take a break 2 different times? What does it mean to take a break? Because you guys don’t act like it was a breakup, so I’m not sure exactly what it was, or what purpose it was meant to serve.
What steps are you doing to focus on yourself, exactly?
I cannot say for sure, but from what you have told me, it doesn’t sound like his need to not get back together is about playing a game or revenge. Maybe he doesn’t feel emotionally safe in the relationship? Maybe this new girl is giving him a different experience that is causing him to reflect more and making him want to slow him down a bit before jumping right back into it with you. You say you want forever, but what would stop you from “taking a break” again? Your words and actions are not aligned, so he may not trust you. Those are just some possibilities. No matter his reasons, I imagine he doesn’t want to hop back into the same patterns. So help us understand more about what is happening in your relationship and how you guys functioned together.
I think it’s a good idea to continue giving him space at this point. Not pressuring him will work in your favor. It’s also super important for him to feel your integrity and doing what you say you are going to do. I know how hard it is not to connect. It’s awful. Make sure you are really taking good care of yourself right now. Watch some good movies, get some good books, hang out with friends more, find more ways to laugh, make sure you are exercising and eating well etc. All those things will help you manage the anxiety you feel about not connecting with him. Let him come to you. This is important.
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
You are doing such a great job! What you are going through is so hard and you are choosing to fight for yourself anyways, instead of being consumed by the pain and becoming stuck. Running is actually such a great thing to start right now! Aside from all the endorphins that help, the bilateral stimulation with your foot strike, right left right left (over and over again), activates the information processing center in your brain. So aside from the physical benefits, it is actually helping you process, which is going to help you heal faster. Keep running!!!
Here is a video that may help:
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
I just wanted to check in. I am so proud of you. To go from crying and feeling all of that pain, to picking yourself back up again, making a vision board and then going to find a personal trainer to help you move your body…all those things are spectacular! That is resilience at it’s best! Let yourself wallow though sometimes. Crying is a way to move the emotion and to help it not get stuck. Sometimes what I do, is give myself that space to wallow and have self pity, but I set a time limit. So I might say, “Okay Heidi. You are allowed to feel this depression, these tears or this anger until 4pm today. Once 4pm comes, it’s time to start moving the energy and get to work on healing. It’s time to start working on your resilience. Do it however it works for you, but the idea is to allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel and then you pick yourself back up again and start moving forward. Then you cry again, then you get back up again. Make sense?
How did the personal trainer session go??
How are you feeling today?
Heidi
Is that a numerology thing? Her birth year and the letter her name should start with? Just curious. I love hearing and exploring all different kinds of things. There is so much out there!
What number child is he?
What’s his relationship history? Have you guys talked about that yet?
What are his career goals? Are these tests he is taking for helping him to advance to a higher level as a fireman or something?
I love “superhero!” It’s perfect! I remember calling this one guy “superman” and deep down, I think he loved it, even though he kind of did what your guy did by rejecting it. Lol.
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Any new updates? Any new thoughts or feelings? Where are you at with all of this right now? We would love to hear from you!
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Any new updates? Any new thoughts or feelings? Where are you at with all of this right now? We would love to hear from you!
Heidi
Hey there!
Sorry we haven’t responded as speedily as you needed. We have had a lot of posts and people to respond to, so we are doing the best we can to catch up. Thank you for your continued patience and not giving up on us! You are important and you matter to us.
First, I’d like to encourage you to slow down. I know you think that if you don’t keep texting, he will think you are not interested. The challenge here is, if you keep initiating, it gives him NO room to initiate or feel your absence in his life and that is actually an important part of activating his need to chase you. You that saying “you want what you can’t have??” It’s a very powerful psychological mechanism in all of us. It’s acts differently between men and women though. For men, they instinctively love to chase on some level and women love being chased. I’m speaking in general terms of course. So if you are always the one initiating contact, there are 3 things happening: 1. you are chasing him 2. he doesn’t have to work for you 3. you nor him has any idea about how he feels about you because you are the one carrying the connection. If you take a step back and let him feel the absence of you, it creates space for him to feel like he misses you. It will make him feel like he needs to put in some effort. Does looking at it from this perspective help you understand how your approach is not actually working in this particular situation??
I think it’s important for you to know how he REALLY feels, without your influence or your techniques. Isn’t that something you want to know? A guy who is really into a woman, will be interested in her for exactly who she is and not because of certain texts that she sends or because she is activating his hero instinct. Those are just ways to enhance things. You say you are not feeling insecure about your worth anymore, but all you are focused on is how to “be irresistible” and keep this guy engaged. Truth is, if you did absolutely nothing, except be yourself, you ARE irresistible in that form. You ARE worth engaging with and getting to know, whether or not this guy feels that way. That is TRUE self worth. When you have that kind of confidence inside, men flock to that. A man loves a woman that he feels is solid on the inside. A man loves a woman who knows her self worth, outside of him. A man doesn’t really respect a woman who doesn’t expect to be treated with value and respect. So you may think you don’t have any self worth challenges anymore, but your actions tell him otherwise. Is this making sense to you?
Heidi
