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Hi Vino,
I’m so sorry that you are not able to connect with JB. It’s awful what he is going through with his mother. Do you know what hospital she is at? Maybe you can send some flowers to her room. What is his mom sick with? Why is she in the hospital? Maybe you can take a bus over or an Uber?
I know you might get defensive with me saying this, but I just want you to consider this. It’s possible that he is making up this story about his mom in the hospital so he doesn’t have to meet with you. It’s possible he is hiding something. It’s also possible he is telling the truth. You just don’t have anyway to know, as you don’t even know that he actually looks like his pictures. I’m just wanting you to be careful and question EVERYTHING with anyone you have not met in person yet. The elaborate schemes that happen online are incredible. The stories I have heard are just so sad about people being fooled. I always suggest massive caution with online dating.
I also want to invite you into practicing authenticity with those guys and not use JB as an excuse. Truth is, even if JB were not in the picture, you would not be responsive to these guys. What is stopping you from just being honest and saying “I’m sorry, I am just not feeling the way I want, in order to continue connecting. I wish you the very best!” And if it is true that JB is really in the way of you meeting someone else, then maybe it would be good to just close the door to every other possibility and only focus on connecting with him. If you are not ready to let him go, then invest more into him. It seems like you are in this gray area where you have given him your heart, but you don’t want to be in relationship with him. How can you possibly resolve anything when you are split? You have one side doing 1 thing and the other part of you doing and feeling another thing. How about deciding what you want and then aligning ALL of your actions with that choice. If you don’t want to be in relationship, then stop connecting and talking. Keep telling yourself it’s over. Every time you think about him, you remind yourself he is not the kind of guy you want holding your heart. If you want to be with him, then close the door to all other possibilities, keep in contact, keep trying to meet him in person and stay open. Does this make sense?
And lastly, I just wanted to acknowledge the new vision of a woman throwing you a rope. It brought tears to my eyes. Yes, we can heal in layers through different experiences we are having, even if we don’t know it. It’s wonderful isn’t it? When you said “I’m glad you’re a woman and I can’t imagine having had these 6 pages of conversations with a man! So, thank you for being a cool woman, Heidi!” it brought the hugest smile into my heart. Thank you for saying that! It’s such an honor to know you Vino and be part of your process.
heidi
Hi Husan,
It’s really simple actually. You can maybe send him an ecard, or just send a really simple message saying “Today is your birthday! Know that I’m sending you lots of good thoughts and wish the very best day for you today.” Or something to that effect. Just keep it simple. The point is, you are just letting him know you are thinking of him. And then you just see how he responds.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
I want to encourage you to take some space. The amount of effort you are putting in to connect with him is far more than what he is investing. It’s really out of balance and that actually doesn’t feel good for either of you. You essentially are chasing him. You are so available and he is just responding when he feels like it. Guys typically don’t respond very well to that. Most guys NEED to chase. It makes them respect the woman. It makes them feel like the woman has a backbone. It makes them feel like the woman has standards and expectations as to how she wants to be treated. So maybe it’s time for you to take some space. Stop contacting him. If he doesn’t end up reaching out and initiating in a few weeks, then that is enough information for you to know that he just is not interested in having a relationship. Whether it’s because he is so busy and distracted or he just doesn’t want a relationship with you right now, it doesn’t matter. You just deal with the truth that he is not available for you and it’s time to move on.
Are you willing to take this approach?
Heidi
Hi Fatima,
It sounds like his mother has quite the hold on him. That’s so sad. Maybe things have changed. Do you feel like you guys could really be just friends? What does that look like for you? What kind of boundaries are you wanting to set? How long do you want to be friends before getting intimate and taking it to the next level? I’m also wondering if he is not replying, because he is with someone else. Do you know for sure he is single?
As far as getting him to reply, I’m wondering if there is a way to run into him. Are there places he frequently hangs out? Do you guys have any mutual friends? Is there a way to set up a group activity that he will go to? What if you put on a party to celebrate something. Maybe he would feel comfortable attending. Thoughts? My guess is, you might have already thought of all of this…
Heidi
Hi Jody,
Bowling lessons are great! They can relate and connect in that way, but maybe not anywhere else? Keep your dating life with him very separate and don’t do anything with your kids. Just keep it you and him and that’s it. Or the other option is to find another coach for your daughter. That probably is the safest option. That way, if things don’t work out between you and him, your daughter won’t have to be in the middle of any awkward energy. If it does work out and you guys end up becoming more serious, going bowling as a family could be a great activity and that could be a way to bond. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Husan,
Thank you for sharing more details. It is helpful.
It is not unusual for someone his age to not quite know what he wants. The early 20s is a time where people are trying to figure out how they are going to exist in this world. It’s the time where school is coming to an end and they have to figure out how to take what they know and go use it in the “real world.” Guys can sometimes have a harder time with this, as they are really wrapped up in needing to be successful. Even though he said at one point that he wanted to marry you, the other part of him also has to think how he is going to be able to provide for you. That’s typically how a guy thinks.
My point is, the best thing you can do right now, is to just let him be confused. His actions are telling you that he is not committed and doesn’t want to work on having a relationship. This is just who he is right now and who knows how long that will last. Are you able to accept this about him and just let him figure out his own life right now? Keep giving him space. Part of why you are suffering is your needs are not being met. Reality is, I’m not sure he is capable of caring about your needs right now on a consistent basis. So what can you do to get on the same page as he is? What can you do to get your expectations to match what he is willing to offer you right now?
I know this is hard though. When you love someone, you want it returned back to you. He is just not that guy right now. So maybe it is best for you to just be friends and to let go him. What’s most important is YOU, not him. What’s most important is that you need to take care of yourself. If you keep opening your heart to a guy who is not really invested in you right now, you are just going to keep hurting. And that’s okay if you want to keep doing that, it just may not get you what you want.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
Thank you for the update! OH man! Isn’t that sooo frustrating to go from feeling so excited about a new direction, to in a split second getting triggered just by the site of him??!!! It sucks! That’s happened to me as well and it’s all really deflating. Now is the time to get back and keep going anyways. Now is the time to keep focused on your new vision. What are you doing to deal with those emotions that are coming up? The sooner you face those feelings and release them, the less he will be able to trigger you. I do suggest that if you can still arrange it, let your sister deal with the money. You are 100% spot on that he has to deal with HIS stuff, just like you need to deal with yours, otherwise none of it will work. From what your sister explained, he most likely is depressed. He has soooo much he is carrying around and then to add your needs on top of that, I imagine it makes him feel like he would break. He needs space and he doesn’t need your anger or hurt. Until you can clear those feelings on your own, I suggest not communicating with him, even about the money. Just like he needs to fight for himself right now, you do too. What’s your plan? What are you going to do to help yourself heal?
I am soooo excited for you and your cottage and that you have connected to a new vision. You are fighting for yourself and a dream and that is a really positive thing that can help you heal. Are you having an luck yet?
Heidi
Hi Hannah,
Thank you for sharing more details. Just a few more questions. Was he hot and cold when you were together for those 2 years before, or is this new behavior you have never experienced before? Why did he break up the first time? Is your relationship functioning differently this time, compared to before?
Part of what I am thinking might be contributing to his behavior currently, is that he was alone for so long. What can happen is a person can get soooo comfortable and loving their life alone. No drama, no one to think about, he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. The moment you enter into the picture, no matter how much he may love you, there is a loss of his freedom on some level. Now you occupy his thoughts. Now you are asking him to be more affectionate. Now he has your family to think about. Now he has a new path he needs to create for 2 people, instead of just him. There is nothing “wrong” with any of this, but it would be hard for someone who is coming from having a very peaceful, drama free, single life. It might be taking him awhile to adjust and even sometimes wanting to go back to his old life. Do you think this may be part of what is happening?
Heidi
Hi JS,
Wow, this is quite the update! You are going through a lot!
It sounds like your recent guy is not wanting a relationship due to being scared of his ex and also be the rebound guy. Those are both VERY COMPLICATED situations.
You did not allow yourself to get over your ex. You still met with him to talk, because you are “curious.” That just tells you that you are not 100% resolved. You immediately jumped into relationship with this new guy and as wonderful as he sounds, he still is a rebound. Any guy is a rebound. The best part about the rebound guys, is it helps distract you from having to feel anything about the breakup from your ex. It’s quite wonderful actually. The challenge is, the feelings you carry about your ex, whether it’s anger, hurt, love, missing him etc. don’t actually go away. All those feelings just get buried and they do end up leaking out in different ways in the new relationship.
My point is, if you want your recent boyfriend back, it might be a good idea to give yourself some time to deal with the ending of the last relationship first. Can you stay friends with this current guy, just for right now? Friendship is the most important part of any relationship, so you can stay connected and work on building that friendship, while you are working on truly dealing with all the feelings around your last breakup. It’s important for you to feel the loss. You were together 2.5 years and you need some time to heal the wounds. Once your current guy sees you are working on things about your ex, he most likely will be much more willing to give it shot again. Thoughts?
Also, I’m wondering…why is he afraid of his ex? It sounds like he has his own issues that are preventing from moving forward with you. What’s going on with his situation?
Heidi
Hi Elmira,
Thank you for being here. You have a very interesting situation.
I just have a few questions to try to understand you a little better. How come you swore to never feel emotions for a man again? How come you kept saying NO that you don’t love him? You didn’t want a relationship with him before, so what has changed for you?
How long was he together with his last girlfriend? You feel his depression and sadness was 100% due to the loss of the relationship? He said he is sick. Did that mean just a flu or cold, or is he sick with some kind of disease? Do you know?
I would also like to invite you to think about the possibility to be okay, even if you don’t get to say what you want to say to him. MANY times in life, people don’t get closure with someone either because the other person has left, has dies, won’t talk etc. It is VERY POSSIBLE to heal and create resolution without talking to the person. The sooner you can create resolution for yourself that is not dependent on him, the more at peace you will be and it then opens the door to have a better connection with him. I imagine he doesn’t want to explain anything. If he is depressed, that means he is angry. If he is angry (and it has nothing to do with you btw) I imagine he just wants to be angry and not talk to you. So what if you came to peace with the situation all on your own, without needing him to fix it for you. He already has a TON of emotional intensity he is carrying around on a daily basis and you are adding on top of that by asking him to talk with you and fix how you feel in some sort of way. Is this something you are willing to deal with on your own?
Heidi
Hi Elmira,
Thank you for being here. You have a very interesting situation.
I just have a few questions to try to understand you a little better. How come you swore to never feel emotions for a man again? How come you kept saying NO that you don’t love him? You didn’t want a relationship with him before, so what has changed for you?
How long was he together with his last girlfriend? You feel his depression and sadness was 100% due to the loss of the relationship? He said he is sick. Did that mean just a flu or cold, or is he sick with some kind of disease? Do you know?
I would also like to invite you to think about the possibility to be okay, even if you don’t get to say what you want to say to him. MANY times in life, people don’t get closure with someone either because the other person has left, has dies, won’t talk etc. It is VERY POSSIBLE to heal and create resolution without talking to the person. The sooner you can create resolution for yourself that is not dependent on him, the more at peace you will be and it then opens the door to have a better connection with him. I imagine he doesn’t want to explain anything. If he is depressed, that means he is angry. If he is angry (and it has nothing to do with you btw) I imagine he just wants to be angry and not talk to you. So what if you came to peace with the situation all on your own, without needing him to fix it for you. He already has a TON of emotional intensity he is carrying around on a daily basis and you are adding on top of that by asking him to talk with you and fix how you feel in some sort of way. Is this something you are willing to deal with on your own?
Heidi
Hi Hannah,
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
I can we why you are confused and hurt. I just have a few questions. What did he say about being around your family so much? I understand his need to pull away while there. He definitely could have handled it better, but I am wondering if it was so overwhelming that it makes him questions whether he wants to be part of your family. Did you create the space for him to express how he really felt being around them? I’m just making some guesses as to what may be causing him to pull back.
Have you asked him about these changes you are sensing? If that doesn’t feel comfortable, maybe you could be more indirect and say, “I just wanted to check in. I was talking with a friend the other and it got me thinking. Is there anything I can do to be a better partner for you? Is there anything you want from me that I am not giving you?” And maybe you guys can agree to this kind of conversation every few months. It’s a great way to open a safe space for you guys to teach each other about how to be a better team.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jody,
I know how scary it is to ask these kinds of questions, for fear he will run the other direction.
There is something I would invite you to consider though. What about your kids? He is starting to get more and more invested in your children’s lives, yet he is not committed to you. Your kids have already lost their father and the idea to lose another father figure would be a lot for them to go through.
How about setting some boundaries? Maybe say something like, “I understand you are not ready for a committed relationship and I completely respect and honor that. With that being said, I would like to create a bit of a different design between you and my kids. I have noticed you bonding with them more and I honestly love it. I think it’s beautiful. However, you and I are still getting to know each other and I think it’s best to keep more distance between you and my kids. They already lost their father and I don’t want them to have to go through that with you. If you ever get to the point where you feel you really would like to invest in a committed relationship with me, I’d be happy to open the door a bit more with kids. Until then, let’s just keep it more simple until you and I are on the same page as the direction we are heading. Does this feel okay for you? Do you understand?”
How does saying something like this feel for you? It’s a really good way to create a boundary, respect his wishes as well as maybe open the door to the conversation about how he feels in a more indirect way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hello Husan,
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your challenges with us. Let’s see what we can do.
I just have a few questions as it will help us understand more of what is happening here. If I am understanding correctly, he has a pattern of disappearing for a few weeks and then he re-connects, yes? He uses work and being busy as an excuse, but you see that he is active on social media, correct?
Do you know much about his past relationships? Has he ever been in a serious relationship? You have only known each other for 6 months and it takes a long time to really get to know someone. It sounds like he is not really interested in a serious relationship. I know he said he didn’t want to lose you, but his actions are not the same as his words. His actions are speaking very loudly saying “I want to do what I want, when I want and I don’t want to be bothered about anything else.” Do you feel this is true??
How old are you guys? How did you meet?
If I am understanding your situation correctly, I want to guide you towards keeping your distance for a little bit. So far, he knows he can behave any way that he wants and you will always come back and connect. He knows you want to always connect, no matter how he treats you. This means you are teaching him it is okay for him to treat you this way. What if you took a different approach and created some space and do not contact him. What if you teach him he is going to have to fight for you?
What do you think?
Heidi
