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Wow! This is quite the revelation Vino. I’m so glad you connected to this part of yourself again. First, if this woman is writing about this challenge, then there are enough women out there that feel the same way you do, so you are not alone. Second, be kind with yourself. That is the first place to start. There is nothing horrible about how you feel. It’s just sad, because you have unconscious limiting beliefs you carry about feminine energy, nurturing, mothering etc. You are missing out on some of the most powerful aspects women can carry in their energy. You carry these limiting beliefs because someone taught you. It could be a combination of culture, religion and of course role modeling, all during your primary years.
Here is an exercise you can do. Imagine you have your own little girl that represents you. She is the one who is carrying all of hurt, the feelings of anger, the repulsive feelings. So you have a conversation with her. Get out some paper and something to write with (I like to get some bigger pieces of construction paper and BIG crayons as it’s more childlike). Your dominant hand that you write with, will represent you the adult. Your non dominant hand will represent your little girl. You start the conversation by writing a question to her. You can ask something like, “I feel your anger. Tell me about what kinds of thoughts come into your mind when you hear the word mother.” Then you put your pen in the other hand and just let that part of you write. DO NOT let your brain get in the way and “think” about it. It’s really important that you just free write and let everything and anything come out. Then when she is done saying what she wants to say, you switch hands and write back to her VALIDATING how she felt. DO NOT problem solve. DO NOT try to fix anything. Just acknowledge what was written. And ask more questions. Keep having the conversation as long as you are able to stand. The purpose of this, is when you put the pen in your non dominant hand to write, it helps to access that child part of you, because your non dominant hand can’t write fluidly. You end up writing slow and it’s awkward, just like a child. It’s a really interesting exercise, because many times when you do this, more things end up coming out that you may not have known were there.
Here is just a quick example of a conversation you might have. Adult “I feel your anger whenever I think about the word mother. Tell me more about how you feel about that word.” Little girl “I hate that word! Mothers are weak! They feel too much and they don’t always do what they are supposed to do and they let you down. Mothers are not real. They hurt you and you can never trust them.” Adult “Oooooh! I see. It’s really awful when mom let you down. It hurts and it’s really confusing isn’t it? Mom was not always the best mom. Tell me about what you hurt you most when you think about her?” Little girl “She didn’t love me. I just wanted a hug. I just wanted her to tell me that she loved me and that I was beautiful. She never told me things like that.” Adult “You’re right. That is really hurtful. Mom needed to hug you more. Mom needed to cuddle with you and tell you how beautiful you are. I’m so sorry you didn’t get that from her. I love you though. I love you so much and I believe you are so beautiful! You were perfectly made in the Creator’s eyes and there is not a single thing I would change about you. I love your beautiful heart, I love that you are angry and are able to tell me. I always want to hear how you feel. It’s important to me.”
Essentially, what you are doing, is you are giving yourself what you never got. First, you are being a parent to your own little girl. Second, you are allowing your little girl to have a voice and matter and to have a parent, a mother, to listen to her. This can be very healing AND it can extremely uncomfortable as well. Reality is, healing is never comfortable. If you want to really connect to the wounds you carry around what it means to be a mother, then it means looking at and feeling the wounds you carry. This is just one of many techniques you can try. It doesn’t resonate for everyone. I always tell people to give it a try for 3 times. It’s not an instant fix kind of thing, but it is a powerful technique to assist along the journey.
I’m glad you feel good about closing down all your profiles. I know how you feel. There is a point where it can become more draining and that is the time to shut it down. You can just focus on yourself and just keep connecting with JB. That’s a great plan! I’m also glad you were able to be more authentic with the 2nd guy. Good job!
Heidi
Hi JS,
It’s so hard what you are going through. Breakups are EXTREMELY difficult, even if it was toxic. It’s just going to take some time. You absolutely can get over Gary. You have to make that choice and then align your action with that choice. It’s going to take time though, so you need some patience. You need compassion and kindness for yourself. You need people around you to help hold you accountable to your choice, because Gary knows how to get you back and he will try.
Your fear of him finding someone else and treating her the way you wanted to be treated…realistically, that won’t happen. Gary is who he is. Unless he goes to therapy or does some self help work on himself, he will still be a toxic man. It’s not about the woman that makes him behave the way he does, it’s his own woundedness, fragility and low self esteem that causes him to treat you the way he does. He will just carry all of that from woman to woman to woman.
Your goal is strengthen your self esteem and your belief about your value. Your own low self esteem is the reason why you stayed with a guy who is so toxic. When you heal your own wounds, your own lack of love towards yourself, a guy like Gary would never get a chance with you, because you wouldn’t allow someone like that into your life, because you love yourself deeply and care and protect your heart so much that you wouldn’t hand it over to a guy who doesn’t know how to take care of it. Does this make sense?
Right now, you need to face all of your feelings as you let go of Gary. Do you have a therapist or coach you can work with? It’s so helpful to have an expert help you identify and work with the deeper parts of what is happening inside your subconscious, your beliefs and patterns. Now might be a good time to get that kind of help, as it’s really tough what you are going through, however you are still quite vulnerable to keep going back to Gary.
Go back and watch that video I sent you about breakups. Remember there are withdrawal symptoms from breaking up. It’s so important to prepare yourself and make a plan to help yourself through those super crazy and challenging moments where you want to re-connect, think about Gary and a possible future again. What can you do to take care of yourself through this? What’s your plan? You CAN heal and completely release Gary! You just have to fight for that.
Heidi
Hi NM,
First of all, be VERY kind with yourself. Your shame and your embarrassment is full of judgement towards yourself. You believed him and his actions. Who wouldn’t??? Narcissists are EXTREMELY skilled at getting people to believe them. They are charming and are able to win a room over in seconds! I remember being at a workshop and watching the speaker (who is world famous) put on his “show.” I had a feeling he was a narcissist from several things I watched, but watching him on stage confirmed everything. It was quite the performance he put on and a complete turnoff…for me. Then…I was shocked to hear many of the other speakers who went on stage, say things like “Wasn’t he amazing??” There were so many other speakers’ talks to comment on, but everyone kept commenting on this one guy’s talk. And these are people that are supposed to be highly awakened, aware and intelligent people. Not that they aren’t still, but that’s my point. They were captivated by his performance and didn’t connect to anything deeper than his performance. Narcissists are very powerful and influential people. My point is, be kind to yourself. It happens to the best of them!!! I have a deep understanding of narcissists and can usually spot them pretty quickly and even still, I am able to feel myself getting pulled in sometimes. It’s all okay! What is MOST important is to stay connected to yourself no matter what. You are rejecting yourself each time you feel shame about your choice. You and every single person on the face of this earth, is foolable. There is no way around it. So once you realize you have been fooled, you nurture yourself back to health, NOT beat yourself up for being fooled!
Lastly, reality is, it takes time to truly get to know someone. Instead of putting trust in anybody else, put trust in yourself that you will figure it out. Even if you get hurt or fooled again, you will heal. You are resilient, you are strong and you are someone who learns. With those qualities, you can get through anything! Of course you don’t want to hurt again, but that’s just not realistic. It’s a reality of dating. That’s why it’s important to trust that you can handle whatever shows up.
Heidi
Hi Daniel,
I’m sorry to hear this. Of course you were hurt that he did that! You are supposed to hurt! And you saying something simple like that, is important. You DO get to use your voice. If you just stay silent and never let him know how his choices are hurting you, then you never get to be reminded of how he responds to you. You are seeing that his response to hurting you is to ignore you. That is something you really need to see and understand about this whole situation. Your feelings don’t matter to him. All that matters to him is himself. All that matters is that he gets to do and be whatever he wants and he has both of you to take care of those needs, both sexually and emotionally.
I’m glad you are able to see that your relationship is unhealthy in this design and you are right…it does need to be worked on. Reality is though, he is not interested in doing that so the “we” part doesn’t exist. I want to encourage you to really embrace what you are choosing. You are fighting for guy who doesn’t want to fight for you. You are in a polyamorous type of relationship. He is a guy who doesn’t care nor is interested in how you feel and how much he is hurting you. It doesn’t matter who he used to be or how things were so great back then. That is the past and doesn’t exist anymore. Right now is what you need to embrace. What if you just went with the flow and didn’t need anything from him anymore? You have a roof over your head and food in your belly. What if that was enough? What if you kept living your life on your own, meeting friends, maybe even going on dates and go with the flow.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Hannah,
Long distance is really hard! It takes an even greater effort to keep something like that going. Remember, nurturing and caring for the relationship is something that comes very natural to women…it’s instinctive and generally speaking, the complete opposite experience for men. What is instinctive for men, is to provide for the family and work hard. So as much as he promised to put more effort in, it’s just going to be really hard for him. I’m sure he meant it in the moment, but truth is Hannah, he is still the same guy and it sounds like that pattern hasn’t really shifted. Are you able to accept him for who he is? He sounds like the kind of guy that is just very introverted and doesn’t share his internal thoughts and feelings about much. Is that accurate? I imagine that’s why you always are asking if he is okay. And truth is, you might be a lower priority for right now.
So what exactly do you want from him. Let’s get really clear about that. Give me some examples and how you want the relationship to look and feel like.
In the meantime, if you want to keep this going, it’s important to focus on what you DO have and not what you don’t have. Find your gratitude and appreciation for the efforts he does put in. Find the value in the ways that he does need you.
Heidi
If he messages you first, wait awhile to respond. Maybe 4mor 5 hours or even the next day. And when you do respond, be connective, but also keep it really simple. If you respond right away, all the time, he doesn’t really get to chase you. He knows that you are easily accessible and can connect whenever HE wants. So by making him wait, you are basically telling him in an indirect way, “I will respond to you and connect with you when I have some time.” Making him wait for your responses sometimes, is a good thing. You can mix it up. Make him wait for a few different texts and then on another text, respond right away, but then immediately make him wait again. This is part of how it may activate his need to chase you a bit more.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
You could send him a message saying that, but I want to encourage you to just wait a few weeks. That, in an of itself, will communicate to him you are not looking for more. When you reach out all the time and initiate connection, those are actions of a woman who is wanting a relationship. That is how he will interpret that. A girl that is a friend, will not reach out as often. She will just reach out whenever she does. So if you change your pattern and give him space, it will send a very different message to him. Give it a few weeks and then maybe you can send him a parenting book, a good parenting video or an article or something to help him with his daughter and just leave it at that. The goal is to get him to ask you for lunch, so let’s see if that can happen with you no longer contacting him and then in a few weeks you can send something like that so he knows you aren’t “mad” at him or anything and then let’s go from there and see what he does.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Let’s start with the “other” guys. It may be more gentle to tell them you are not over JB. But don’t you want to practice being authentic under all conditions? This is more about you than it is about them. Believe me, those kind of guys have been rejected a ton of times. I know exactly the type you are talking about and it’s a complete turnoff to me as well. If you think about it, they aren’t being real or authentic and it’s just a performance for them to get something they want…which is your attention and eventually get you into bed most likely. The energy of all of it feels awful! So give them the experience of an honest woman. I think it’s important to be okay hurting people’s feelings when it comes to setting a healthy boundary for yourself. Yes, you may hurt their feelings, but more importantly, you are protecting yourself and having the strength to be honest about why and how is more important for YOU than it is for them. I know you already told 1 guy, so why not practice being honest with the other guy and find out you will okay and he will be okay. If he is THAT fragile that he cannot handle someone saying “no” to him, then he shouldn’t be online in the first place.
As far as JB, I can see why you would feel safe with him. Talking about the topics and on a deeper level, is something that feels wonderful. And being able to disagree and challenge each other about religion is a really challenging thing for most people, but it seems you guys have survived it. That feels good as well! I’m glad you were able to find a Facebook page of him. That is always helpful. Have you ever looked him up at the NYPD? I’m sure there is a website with pics of different positions. It’s so hard what he is going through with his mom. It’s awful and so stressful. I know how hard it is for you to wait, but you are doing a good thing giving him the space to just worry about his mom. It’s an all consuming time for him right now and if he ends up losing her, he will be consumed by her death for awhile. You might end up waiting for awhile, but that’s okay. There are so many things you can focus on for yourself! Maybe pick 1 area of your life you really want to improve upon. Study it, read about it, learn new techniques and really focus on that area with the purpose of wanting to be a better partner for the next man you end up with. Start to get more connected with your feminine body maybe through belly dancing, ballet, salsa etc. That can be another fun and interesting process. What about volunteering at a dog shelter? Getting around animals that recognize you and get excited to be with you can be SUPER helpful for meeting that need for connection and love. Why not get paid to walk some dogs in the neighborhood? Just some thoughts. You will still have wait and be patient and it will still be hard sometimes, but doing these kinds of things will help take the edge off.
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I’m so sorry that you are not able to connect with JB. It’s awful what he is going through with his mother. Do you know what hospital she is at? Maybe you can send some flowers to her room. What is his mom sick with? Why is she in the hospital? Maybe you can take a bus over or an Uber?
I know you might get defensive with me saying this, but I just want you to consider this. It’s possible that he is making up this story about his mom in the hospital so he doesn’t have to meet with you. It’s possible he is hiding something. It’s also possible he is telling the truth. You just don’t have anyway to know, as you don’t even know that he actually looks like his pictures. I’m just wanting you to be careful and question EVERYTHING with anyone you have not met in person yet. The elaborate schemes that happen online are incredible. The stories I have heard are just so sad about people being fooled. I always suggest massive caution with online dating.
I also want to invite you into practicing authenticity with those guys and not use JB as an excuse. Truth is, even if JB were not in the picture, you would not be responsive to these guys. What is stopping you from just being honest and saying “I’m sorry, I am just not feeling the way I want, in order to continue connecting. I wish you the very best!” And if it is true that JB is really in the way of you meeting someone else, then maybe it would be good to just close the door to every other possibility and only focus on connecting with him. If you are not ready to let him go, then invest more into him. It seems like you are in this gray area where you have given him your heart, but you don’t want to be in relationship with him. How can you possibly resolve anything when you are split? You have one side doing 1 thing and the other part of you doing and feeling another thing. How about deciding what you want and then aligning ALL of your actions with that choice. If you don’t want to be in relationship, then stop connecting and talking. Keep telling yourself it’s over. Every time you think about him, you remind yourself he is not the kind of guy you want holding your heart. If you want to be with him, then close the door to all other possibilities, keep in contact, keep trying to meet him in person and stay open. Does this make sense?
And lastly, I just wanted to acknowledge the new vision of a woman throwing you a rope. It brought tears to my eyes. Yes, we can heal in layers through different experiences we are having, even if we don’t know it. It’s wonderful isn’t it? When you said “I’m glad you’re a woman and I can’t imagine having had these 6 pages of conversations with a man! So, thank you for being a cool woman, Heidi!” it brought the hugest smile into my heart. Thank you for saying that! It’s such an honor to know you Vino and be part of your process.
heidi
Hi Husan,
It’s really simple actually. You can maybe send him an ecard, or just send a really simple message saying “Today is your birthday! Know that I’m sending you lots of good thoughts and wish the very best day for you today.” Or something to that effect. Just keep it simple. The point is, you are just letting him know you are thinking of him. And then you just see how he responds.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
I want to encourage you to take some space. The amount of effort you are putting in to connect with him is far more than what he is investing. It’s really out of balance and that actually doesn’t feel good for either of you. You essentially are chasing him. You are so available and he is just responding when he feels like it. Guys typically don’t respond very well to that. Most guys NEED to chase. It makes them respect the woman. It makes them feel like the woman has a backbone. It makes them feel like the woman has standards and expectations as to how she wants to be treated. So maybe it’s time for you to take some space. Stop contacting him. If he doesn’t end up reaching out and initiating in a few weeks, then that is enough information for you to know that he just is not interested in having a relationship. Whether it’s because he is so busy and distracted or he just doesn’t want a relationship with you right now, it doesn’t matter. You just deal with the truth that he is not available for you and it’s time to move on.
Are you willing to take this approach?
Heidi
Hi Fatima,
It sounds like his mother has quite the hold on him. That’s so sad. Maybe things have changed. Do you feel like you guys could really be just friends? What does that look like for you? What kind of boundaries are you wanting to set? How long do you want to be friends before getting intimate and taking it to the next level? I’m also wondering if he is not replying, because he is with someone else. Do you know for sure he is single?
As far as getting him to reply, I’m wondering if there is a way to run into him. Are there places he frequently hangs out? Do you guys have any mutual friends? Is there a way to set up a group activity that he will go to? What if you put on a party to celebrate something. Maybe he would feel comfortable attending. Thoughts? My guess is, you might have already thought of all of this…
Heidi
Hi Jody,
Bowling lessons are great! They can relate and connect in that way, but maybe not anywhere else? Keep your dating life with him very separate and don’t do anything with your kids. Just keep it you and him and that’s it. Or the other option is to find another coach for your daughter. That probably is the safest option. That way, if things don’t work out between you and him, your daughter won’t have to be in the middle of any awkward energy. If it does work out and you guys end up becoming more serious, going bowling as a family could be a great activity and that could be a way to bond. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Husan,
Thank you for sharing more details. It is helpful.
It is not unusual for someone his age to not quite know what he wants. The early 20s is a time where people are trying to figure out how they are going to exist in this world. It’s the time where school is coming to an end and they have to figure out how to take what they know and go use it in the “real world.” Guys can sometimes have a harder time with this, as they are really wrapped up in needing to be successful. Even though he said at one point that he wanted to marry you, the other part of him also has to think how he is going to be able to provide for you. That’s typically how a guy thinks.
My point is, the best thing you can do right now, is to just let him be confused. His actions are telling you that he is not committed and doesn’t want to work on having a relationship. This is just who he is right now and who knows how long that will last. Are you able to accept this about him and just let him figure out his own life right now? Keep giving him space. Part of why you are suffering is your needs are not being met. Reality is, I’m not sure he is capable of caring about your needs right now on a consistent basis. So what can you do to get on the same page as he is? What can you do to get your expectations to match what he is willing to offer you right now?
I know this is hard though. When you love someone, you want it returned back to you. He is just not that guy right now. So maybe it is best for you to just be friends and to let go him. What’s most important is YOU, not him. What’s most important is that you need to take care of yourself. If you keep opening your heart to a guy who is not really invested in you right now, you are just going to keep hurting. And that’s okay if you want to keep doing that, it just may not get you what you want.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
Thank you for the update! OH man! Isn’t that sooo frustrating to go from feeling so excited about a new direction, to in a split second getting triggered just by the site of him??!!! It sucks! That’s happened to me as well and it’s all really deflating. Now is the time to get back and keep going anyways. Now is the time to keep focused on your new vision. What are you doing to deal with those emotions that are coming up? The sooner you face those feelings and release them, the less he will be able to trigger you. I do suggest that if you can still arrange it, let your sister deal with the money. You are 100% spot on that he has to deal with HIS stuff, just like you need to deal with yours, otherwise none of it will work. From what your sister explained, he most likely is depressed. He has soooo much he is carrying around and then to add your needs on top of that, I imagine it makes him feel like he would break. He needs space and he doesn’t need your anger or hurt. Until you can clear those feelings on your own, I suggest not communicating with him, even about the money. Just like he needs to fight for himself right now, you do too. What’s your plan? What are you going to do to help yourself heal?
I am soooo excited for you and your cottage and that you have connected to a new vision. You are fighting for yourself and a dream and that is a really positive thing that can help you heal. Are you having an luck yet?
Heidi
