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Hi Maria,
Good job! You are getting the hang of it. Remember, he just putting his feelers out there and not interested in having anything serious at the moment. When you allow him that space, with no pressure, no anxiety about where things are going and just let him go his speed, your odds of success with him will go up. In the beginning, let him lead and let him tell you, through his actions, how much he is ready for.
It sounds like you understand the concept and your next steps. How are you feeling about it though? Are you struggling giving him space? Or does it feel okay for you and you are happy to slow things down with him?
Heidi
Let’s talk a bit about your femininity. I totally get what you mean by wanting it to be an authentic thing and not because of watching someone else. I understand your concern. How about looking at it a little differently. Your femininity is always going to be changing and growing. So why not try anything and everything you are inspired by? You never know what you will like or not like, until you FEEL it. Sometimes, you may try something you saw another woman do and discover you like a certain aspect of it, so you hold onto that part. I mean, if you think about it, we ALL are always borrowing ideas from each other. Everything I have learned in my life and now teaching you, has come from someone else who taught me. I am now teaching you those same concepts, because I have experienced things and held onto what worked, released what didn’t and then made it my own by teaching you in MY way, not the way my teachers taught me. All information we pass on, from generation to generation, is inspired by what we see and learn from others. So try it all on! Experiment and maybe consider NOT filtering anything out, just because you are not sure if it’s authentic for you. Again, you never really know how anything will truly feel, until you experience it. Just a thought. Connecting to your femininity is not the same as getting married and having kids. Your femininity is changeable and will always be evolving, so your choice about how to connect to it, is not a permanent thing, like having kids or getting married. Throw caution to the air with this one. It’s safe to do that as it’s the relationship with yourself. Just a thought.
Glad you like the SUD scale! I’m curious why you don’t like people who ask for money. What’s the trigger there for you?
This country is quite amazing to drive through. There is so much to see, so many different kinds of people and energies in every single state. I drove from San Diego to Miami once. Wow! It was quite the trip and worth it! There is so much to explore here in the U.S. You have driven through the states before?? Maybe you should find a job where you can do something online. That way you can work where you go.
Heidi
Totally gonna check out the recipe!!!
Here is my recipe for chocolate chip cookies…it’s VERY unusual, but sooooo good!
2 boxes of pound cake
1 stick of salted butter
2 eggs
1 can of coconut pecan frosting
2 small bags or 1 big bag of chocolate chips.Mix the wet ingredients together. Make sure the butter is a tad soft. Too melted and the cookies will be super flat. They still taste good, but don’t look so good…lol. So the butter is soft enough to make a fingerprint, but that’s it. Then mix in 1 box of pound cake at a time. Then I just use a big spoon to mix in the chocolate chips. Then bake for about 10 minutes. The edges should be slightly brown and the middle will be pretty light. I pull the cookies out at that point and then leave them on the cookie sheet for another 5 minutes. They should end up pretty soft that way. Baking longer will make them crunchy. BUT…here is a little trick. If you want to soften up any cookies, just put them in a plastic bag with 1 piece of bread for a few hours and they will soften up pretty nicely. The yeast in the bread is what helps 🙂
It takes about 5 minutes to mix everything, so this is a super easy recipe. You should give it a try!!! Make sure you have some milk nearby 🙂 It’s a perfect combo. Far from healthy, but sooooo good!
Glad you liked the poem!
For traffic, I love putting on educational podcasts to listen too, so I don’t feel like I am wasting my time doing nothing. I can get really into whatever is being taught, which gives me a feeling like I am using my time wisely. Or an audio book is always fun too!
Traffic can really ruin people. I’m glad you have figured out a way to not let it steal your joy completely. It’s a challenge, but one worth mastering.Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your challenge with us. You have a lot of dynamics happening in this relationship.
The first thing I want to remind you of, is you are not the only reason things are not going well. His angry responses and temper, his need to push you away, his need to control is not because of you. All of those things existed way before you ever came along. Yes, you may push those buttons of his, but it’s his choice to hold onto those buttons and keep them alive to be pushed in the first place. It’s not your job to make sure he is happy and feels appreciated. If he doesn’t feel those things in this relationship with you, it is HIS job to communicate that and work WITH you to get his needs met. You are not a mind reader. Yes, you can do things better, but so can he. It sounds like BOTH of you have a lot of baggage which means there are easy triggers with each other. I’m saying all of this to encourage you to first and foremost, take responsibility for yourself only and stop blaming yourself for his choices, feelings and reactions. That’s on HIM!
I think one of the best things you can do right now is to give him space. When you keep initiating, it doesn’t give him much time or space to miss you, feel what his life is like without you in it or to feel his choice to push you away. He has made the choice to break it off completely at this point. If you keep contacting him, hoping to connect and draw out his “love,” it will push him away. You respecting his choice and giving him space, will let him know that you can handle it. He NEEDS to know this about you. If he feels you are needy, you need to show him the opposite and show him you are strong enough to have a life separate than him. You are strong enough to not contact him and let him have his space. He doesn’t know this about you, so show him! I know it will be very hard, but it’s your best chance at getting back together. During this time, what is CRUCIAL is that you take care of yourself and deal with the hurt you are feeling. Now would be a good time to connect with a therapist again. Is that something you can do? Are you willing to focus on yourself right now?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
You are doing such a good job! You are setting some healthy boundaries for yourself. I have no doubt he will come over. He will try to find any way that he can stay connected to you. Yes, I do suggest you send a note to him letting him know not to come over and please to respect your space and your boundaries. If he chooses not ignore your needs, you will not be answering the door or connecting on any level. You are no longer interested in connecting in this way. Saying something like that can re-enforce your boundaries. OR…you can say nothing at all. You have let him know in a few different ways that you are done. If he comes over, just don’t answer the door. He will get the point. Your actions will speak so much louder than words anyways. Have you thought about changing the locks? I imagine he might end up coming over while you are gone and maybe going through the house. I’m not sure how you feel about that.
Your trip is going to be so good for you! It sounds amazing!!! Wow! You are going to see some pretty incredible things in this world and I have no doubt will help to heal your heart. This trip really is perfect timing.
Heidi
Ha! Traffic is so stressful right??? It’s great though, because you guys got to figure each other out! It could have been so easy for you to get grumpy too, but instead, you gave him a massage and cuddled. WELL DONE!!! He needs to know he can be stressed and grumpy and not pull you along with him. I mean, sometimes that will happen, just because you are human, but for the most part, he needs to know he can be grumpy and you are a safe person to be grumpy with!
Your cookies sound interesting!!! Is it a recipe you made up on your own??
I’m so happy to hear he is not letting the distance come between you guys. It is a stressor for sure, but there obviously is a strong enough connection to make it worth it. I get you being scared though. You are invested now and you don’t want to lose him and I sure don’t blame you!
I don’t know why, but I wanted to share this poem with you. It’s pretty famous world wide, so maybe you know it already.
http://skdesigns.com/internet/articles/prose/oriah_mountain_dreamer/invitation/
Heidi
Oh Cynthia!!! I am so proud of you and I am so sorry for this loss. You are letting go of a dream you spent investing in for many years. There is nothing easy about that. It is so so hard to say goodbye. I’m glad you are keeping busy and I’m so glad you have a trip you can go on to get away. You are going to Germany??? Have you been there before? I went once about 20 years ago. I loved it!
You are going to be okay Cynthia. You will have many moments where it will take everything in you not to connect. Plan for those times. I suggest to maybe have a few specific friends you can text or call and have code words like, “I’m giving in!” or “Need help. I miss him.” This can signal for them to call or text and help you during those very tempting times. You can come here and just write everything you are feeling. I know we won’t respond right away, but at least getting all your feelings out in a safe place, can help you express what you are feeling. I remember 1 breakup that was soooo hard for me. I ended up carrying a digital recorder in my purse and anytime I had something I wanted to say to him, positive or negative, I pulled it out and I talked into it. I said everything…sometimes I missed him, sometimes I was so angry at him. But doing that on a daily basis for about 2 weeks, I found that I didn’t have anything buildup. It helped me release all the pressure of my feelings every single day. Nothing was kept inside in my head or my heart. I just let it all out and it helped soooo much! I still had moments where I wanted to reach out and connect or pick up his phone calls, but they weren’t so strong that I gave in. I was able to hold my ground, because I actually was saying and feeling everything I needed to when talking into the recorder. I also recommend to have some good movies on hand. I like Under the Tuscan Sun. It’s a good portrayal of going through a divorce and finding her life again. Movies like that can be encouraging and motivating.
And Cynthia…if you do give in again, that’s okay too. You will figure all of this out eventually. You did have a very long marriage and now you are saying goodbye to it. If you do give in again, remember to stay WITH yourself and don’t judge or shame yourself. You just keep fighting for your well being. Love yourself and have compassion for yourself, even when your choices are not aligning with what you want in your life. It’s okay! You will always get back up and try again!
Heidi
Hi Maria,
Welcome! I agree with your friends. It’s super important that you have some patience. You have only been out a few times and you are already getting anxious about where the relationship is going. Truth is, you barely know him and have no idea if he is the kind of guy you want to have in your life. You like him so far, but you haven’t seen all sides to him yet. There is nothing solid to see with him, because you haven’t spent enough time with each other to create anything solid. That part takes time. Creating something solid means you both have seen and experienced each other through many situations and you still like each other. Have patience.
It’s important that you stop initiating right now. Let him take the lead. Let him be the one texting you. Let him be the one who asks you out. You are already taking the lead by contacting him, because you don’t want to wait. This can cause many problems! It’s important for you to see and know that he is willing to take the lead. You need to know that he will reach out and contact you. You need to know that he wants to see you and will work for it. He needs to feel that in himself as well. You are doing all of the work so far and that is not a good pattern to start off with. If you discover that he doesn’t really seem that interested and he only occasionally reaches out and connects, then he is not that into you. He most likely has a few different women he is playing around with and hasn’t found one he wants to land on yet. So you need to give him some space so you can see how he really feels about you. If he doesn’t chase you, then you need to know this about him sooner than later.
Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
Your Indian maiden has done some good work in your life! I’m curious why you would be worried she would take over. What do you think would happen if you just became her…feminine, strong, passionate, grounded, centered….are those qualities you don’t want to be all the time?
“it made me think about this femininity that I have lost. I think i’ll find my own unique version of it.” How about not “finding” anything and just being. You will have a unique version of femininity just because you are a unique person. So however you choose to express that divine feminine energy inside of you, it will be unique to you and it will always be evolving and morphing into different expressions as you continue to grow and change. There really is nothing to unique to “find.” All that needs to happen, is just for you to connect and then express however you feel inspired to. It will be unique no matter what. I’m curious though…what is your need to have it be unique in the first place?
I’m trying to sort out if the things I feel are a reaction, or an honest feeling. I like to use what’s called the SUD scale (Subjective Units of Distress Scale). I can’t remember if I shared it with you before. It’s a scale of 0-10 with 10 being the most distressful and 0 being no distress at all. Whenever I have a reaction to something, I immediately rate it, then I start doing my techniques or ask for help to help clear the negative energy until I am down to a 0. Truth be told though, ANY reaction you have, even if is a .5, means there is some lie you are connecting to. Every single negative reaction a person has, is because they are connecting to some story they have created in their minds about what happened and they are connecting to lies. Negative feelings means we have disconnected from the truth. Our jobs, and what resilience is, is first identifying those lies that are having power over us and then to get connected back to the truth as quickly as possible. Even if your reaction is a .5 it matters. People think, “oh…no big deal. It’s so small, it will go away” but even something small acts as a magnet for other things to come in and latch onto it…I’ve done it so many times. I haven’t dealt with a .5 and I watched it grow and grow and grow, even over a year. Certain things will happen and the original even that was a .5 will all of a sudden grow to a 2. Then something else will happen and it will grow to a 5. So even a .5 matters. It’s like having a small splinter in in your finger. If you leave it there, it has the potential to turn into an infection. The more you bump it, press on it, ignore it, the more it gets irritated. So I always works on taking it out IMMEDIATELY!!! It makes like sooo much easier down the road.
I hope your daughter’s trip to TX goes well and that the wedding is fun! You have quite the strength to not let your fear run their lives. It’s not easy being a parent many times. Where are you anyways? Is TX far from you?
Heidi
Hi Vino!
Wow! You connected to your Indian maiden! How amazing! I think that is wonderful and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you just went with it and allowed that vision to express itself! Are you connnecting with her every day?? That might be a really good exercise, so you can keep her alive and vibrant inside of you! She represents your feminine energy who also embodies male energy as well. She sounds super powerful, confident and clear.I love what you said about the video that Darren made. I’m going to have to disagree with him though. Just because someone is ignorant, naive, does the best they can, they still need to be forgiven. Even though his mom was not capable of providing what he needed, she still made choices that caused harm. Forgiveness is not about the other person. Forgiveness is about dealing with yourself and YOUR energy, thoughts and feelings you carry about someone else’s limitations. Forgiveness is not about judging whether or not it’s logical or makes sense. If you have a negative reaction to someone’s choices, even if your reaction is not logical, makes sense or is completely out of sorts, you still need to forgive. That negative reaction is you being hurt, whether it makes sense or not. What you have to pay attention to, is you got hurt…plain and simple. Trying to tell yourself it doesn’t make sense, you are over-reacting, they didn’t mean to hurt you etc….that doesn’t change the hurt. It can actually make it worse sometimes. That hurt is being carried by the child in you and when a child is hurt, you just help them resolve it. You just help them feel better, so they can move on, right? You don’t try to use logic with a child. They are not capable. You just help them release the hurt. So you provide comfort, you provide kind words, you provide a hug, you may teach a little. So when your little child inside of you is hurting by what your mom says, even though your mom is very emotionally underdeveloped, forgiveness is the key to helping comfort your little girl inside and release the hurt, so she doesn’t have to keep carrying it around all the time. Your mom is limited and always will be. She will continue to say and do things that will always trigger you. Your job is to clear that negative energy every single time…for your sake, not hers…for your health and well being…not hers. It’s not even about improving the relationship with her, although that can be a side effect sometimes. The thing is, how you feel about your mother and any negative emotions you carry, affects EVERYTHING in your life. It affects what kind of lover and partner you are, what kind of parent, what kind of friend and how you feel about yourself. So clearing more and more layers around your parents, is important if you want to attract a healthier relationship with a man.
I get why you would struggle about letting your daughter go to TX. That’s the protective nature in you, yes? Wouldn’t you say that is something that a mother is to a daughter? Being protective is both a male and female energy, but from different angles. From the male side of things, it’s about her physical safety. From the female side of things, it’s about her emotional well being and emotional safety, not wanting her to be in a situation where she has to struggle at all. So your protective instincts are both male and female and something only a mother or father would understand. Just thought I’d use this to maybe help you connect to how you are being a mother, not a big sister to your daughter. So…what did you end up deciding?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
The first thing you want to think about, is what do you hope to accomplish by telling him this? If it does resonate with him, then what? What are you wanting him to do for you? If you think about it, he is the one cheating and lying and you are worried about how HE might feel by expressing your feelings??
I also want to connect you back to yourself first and foremost. By choosing to stay connected, you are ignoring all of the hurt and bad feelings that come with this situation. Continuing to connect, you essentially are disrespecting yourself. I know you want to stay connected in order to hopefully get him to come back, but there are consequences to that path. Part of those consequences, is you end up disrespecting yourself, as you don’t have strong boundaries as to how you are treated. If you don’t have those strong boundaries for yourself and how you are treated, why would you expect that he would treat you better, than how you treat yourself? Yes, he is disrespecting you for sure. It’s awful and it hurts. It’s supposed to. It just seems that maybe in the process of you trying to stay connected to him and maybe get him back, you are losing parts of yourself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Darlene,
We would love to help you, but we need more details. Every situation is so different, so the guidance we offer is not the same. What happened? Have you met in person? How long did you date for? Are you guys still stalking to each other or has he completely cut off?
Share as much detail as possible.
Heidi
Hi Ching,
I understand you want him back. I am trying to help you connect back to your confidence, as that is so important if you are going to get him back. You said you used to be confident. When you are desperate and begging him to stay, it is a very unattractive quality to a man. The more you chase him, the more he will run the other direction and lose respect for you. That is why I want you to connect to your own power. This is much more attractive to a man. When you have confidence in yourself, when you treat yourself with respect, when you know how valuable you are, it can really draw a man closer. That is the direction I am leading you in.
Your focus needs to be getting your confidence back. That was who you used to be when things were good. So it’s time to get that back. What kinds of things can you do to help yourself feel good about who you are? How can you get your confidence back?
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
For some reason, I thought you had told him that you would love to meet up for lunch and being a good friend for him was what you were interested in. I might be confusing you with someone else.
So in a few weeks, you can send him a text saying something like, “Hey…I know you have a lot going on and a lot of things you are trying to figure out. This book was really helpful for me with my children and thought it might help you. I know you don’t have much room for romance right now and I accept that. I’d love to be that supportive friend though. I’m game for meeting up for lunch every once in awhile. I have a good listening ear and am pretty good at problem solving should you want some ideas 🙂 Or…of course we can just talk about life in general. My friend hat is officially on. The ball is in your court.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Ching,
I’m sad that you have lost your confidence. I’m sad that your husbands opinions of you are so harsh. If you really think about it, everything he says about you, do you see in him as well? Right now, he is being stubborn, opinionated, controlling…yes?
I would like to invite you to expand your purpose. You have a purpose beyond having a clean house taking care of your children. Your are more than a mother, a house care taker a wife and a dental assistant. Those are just things you do. Your presence matters. How you feel about yourself, affects every single person you come into contact with. Your smiles matter to people. Your caring heart matters to people. You do make a difference in every person’s life.
I’m so sorry that your husband is rejecting you so intensely, but I think it is time that you know you are valuable, even if he doesn’t think so. I asked what makes you a good mother. From the little I know, I would say that it is important to you that your children are happy. You make sure the house is clean so that your children have a home that feels good to them. That means you care about their comfort, you care about their safety, you care about how they feel. Having a clean home is one of the ways you love them. What are some other things you do for them?
As far as your husband, how he feels and experiences you, has truth in it. He says you are controlling and opinionated. Do you feel this is true? If yes, how?
Let’s keep in mind though, he most likely is with another woman at this point, from what you have noticed, so he is breaking your agreement as husband and wife. I’m not aware of any woman who wouldn’t have a strong reaction about that. Let’s say he does come back. Would you say that you really love being married to him? Is he a good husband? Do you like him as a person? Is he someone you really respect and want to grow old with, happily?
Heidi
