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Oh wow! That is really fast! And if I remember correctly, this project is until the end of the year?
Again, I am sooo happy to hear that everyone is really nice. You need that, especially after your last boss. This new adventure will bring a lot of new things into your life. I’m looking forward to hearing about all of it!
Safe travels!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I LOVE that you are not giving up your pole dance class to see him. Soooo many ladies would instantly give that up for the night just to connect. You are still living your life and having your own life, separate than him. Well done!
As far as Valentine’s Day, maybe you say that to him, in person or if you talk on the phone. I’m sure it’s been something that may be floating around in his mind as well, so why not just talk about it? You can say something like, “You know…I wasn’t sure how to deal with Valentine’s Day with you and whether or not to get you a present or whether we should join in the festivities. To be honest, at this point, I’m not really attached to it and am glad we passing through it. I’m not really attached to it in general actually. It’s not a day I typically invest in….” You get the point. It might be a good time to discuss this holiday and get on the same page about it. It’s a moment to learn about each other and how you both feel about this time. Valentine’s Day, as much as it is about love, it also has caused a lot of heartbreak as well, so I like to encourage people to always have a conversation around it if there is uncertainty. It’d be good to learn how each other feels about this day. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Carol,
This is a really good question and I am glad you are asking this. Help us understand a little more about why you are feeling bothered by this.
You say that you are not insecure or jealous, so what is it EXACTLY that is bothering you about this? If you don’t feel threatened by her, then why not just let him handle it how he wants? If you trust him and are not worried about him going back to her, then why care about what he is saying or not saying to her?
I have a feeling that he is being a bit misleading. I would agree that him saying “she doesn’t get to demand anything from me” is NOT saying, “we are over, please don’t contact me anymore.” The fact that they are still having a conversation at all, makes me wonder why. I also find it interesting that he calls her “crazy.” I know many guys who loosely use that term with a woman who is getting emotional, because the guy is stringing her along. So I’m wondering if these are some of your concerns and worries about the situation. I am wondering what is happening for him, that he would still be in contact with her at this point. Is that what you are wondering and feeling bothered about?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I want to encourage you to head in a bit of a different direction with your mother. Trying to see her as a nice old lady is just not realistic. She is your mother and no amount of ways you trick yourself into believing she is something different, will work. Your psyche knows, your heart knows, every fiber in your being knows she is your mother. Yes, there are burned bridges. The fact that you want to see her as a cool, old lady and don’t feel in alignment with identifying her as your mother in your mind and heart, that is a SUPER BIG barrier to your healing. Letting go of burned bridges is not so easy, especially when it comes to our parents. I think it’s such a great path for you to take, to start to really look at your relationship with the word “mother” and your mother. They are one and the same and still need some healing. You are doing such a great job looking at all of this! Thank you for sharing!
You know, I think if you had texted him EXACTLY what you wrote, that would been so helpful for JB. “When my dad died, many people came to comfort us. And it was interesting to note that those who gave the most comfort where the ones who said the least and just sat with us. I wish I could sit just with you. Words seem so inadequate right now, so just know that I’m here.”
We ALL struggle with black holes, no matter how educated, wise or evolved we are. Black hole type of energy is powerful and it’s easy to get sucked in for sure. I have had soooo many moments, and still will, where after the fact, I see what I could have done differently. So tell me, how would you have handled that customer differently so you could feel good about yourself afterwards?
It sounds really delightful playing with that 4 year old. He is lucky to have you running up and down the aisles with him. He is lucky to have you really be able to SEE him for the value that he is in this world. Your ability to just be with him, to see him, to join him…those are wonderful things you are offering him! Those abilities you carry, might want to go under the “mother” definition you are trying to work with. Just a thought 🙂
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I really want to encourage you to slow down. It seems like the flood gates of your heart have opened to this guy and you have only been on 1 date with him. It’s so important for you to keep perspective and protect your heart! Make him WORK for your heart. Focusing on trying to awaken his love and devotion only after 1 date, is really trying to speed things up. It’s important that you see him for who he really is FIRST, before you decide you want to have that kind of relationship with him.
I would encourage you to start with the technique Kanya suggested. Play it cool. Don’t be so available. If he does not make the effort to try to meet up in person, isn’t that something you want to know about him? If he doesn’t try to set up a date and all he wants to do is be flirty and connective over the phone, that tells me he is not a guy who is interested in being that serious. That tells me he is not a guy who is interested in putting effort in to make something happen. YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS ABOUT HIM!!! If he is not willing to invest his efforts into you for whatever reason, beyond flirty texting, then that is not a guy who is worth your time and attention. You don’t want to find yourself in a situation where you are the one making ALL of the efforts and taking the lead. You want a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to see you for a 2nd, 3rd, 20th date. You want a guy who is inspired NATURALLY to want to be around you, not because you are using “techniques” to get his attention. You are worth spending time with, just because of who you naturally are and if a guy doesn’t see or feel or know that, then he is not a good fit for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
I’m curious what kind of closure you need? What EXACTLY do you need to hear from him to feel like closure has happened?
I agree with Kanya in that it definitely sounded like you were breaking up. It sounds like you are very clear that the design was not working for you. Isn’t that closure?
Tell us more about that “sting” you feel when you think about it. What thoughts are there? What feelings are coming up?
In truth, you can create closure and heal that sting, all on your own, without ever talking to him again. Is that a path you are willing to go down?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I really want to encourage you to continue reaching out for help. Maybe a therapist or a coach or a weekend workshop? Something more than books. Something where you get to work on your personal issues with someone who is a specialist. What you are dealing with in your anxiety and high need to control, is not something that just goes away through behavior modification. It’s because those what is driving those issues is deeper. You may be able to make changes for a few weeks or months, but eventually it will start to seep back into your life and affect your mood and your relationship. If you really want to make some permanent changes, that would be the route to go. The more you work on healing the wounds that source your anxiety, frustrations etc. the more clarity and strength you will have access to, which is what I know you want.
Thank you for letting us be part of your journey Melissa. We wish you the very best as you navigate your situation and try to figure things out. We are always here for you, should you decide to come back.
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
Let’s wait a few weeks and see if he ever reaches out to contact you for you lunch. Don’t send him a book. Just wait. No contact at all for a few weeks.
As far as the book, I might choose a different book, because he may take it in the wrong way. Even though it is a book that can help, it also is a book for couples and romance. It’s not a parenting book. He may think you are giving him that book beyond reasons for his daughter. Find a book that is purely a parenting book. That’s a lot safer for right now. Maybe there is a forum you can find for fathers going through challenges with their daughters. Maybe there is a good workshop somewhere. Or maybe a good educational video series. There are a lot of options out there.
As far as what to say, I think it’s more about your actions speaking just as loud as your words. You already have said that you wanted to be friends and were okay with that, but your actions are telling a different story. I think that your actions are going to communicate more than any words at this point, which is why I am encouraging you not to contact him at all for right now.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Soooo many times I have used the phrase “just do it” because I was facing a big fear. I get it. Usually behind our big fears, are second chances waiting to be seized. We just have to be willing to step through the door. I know how hard that is. AND I also know there has never been a time that I regretted it. Every single time, the things that I gained for myself were far greater than where I had been, staring at my fear. Sometimes it does take awhile to see and feel that, but the gifts and opportunities always show up.
Maybe you can watch some movies that can encourage you. I use that as a way to help me all the time. I will find a movie that motivating. A movie where the character is having to face a big fear and I watch them make it to the other side. I know it’s just a movie, but many movies have stories we can all identify with. Under the Tuscan Sun is a good one. Just an idea.
We are here to support you no matter what. Even if you decide to stay in this design for awhile longer, we understand and know how difficult of a time this is. We will keep encouraging you and supporting you for whatever it is that you are ready to deal with. Just know that you are not alone through this, no matter your choices.
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
I’m not really surprised he hasn’t said anything. He has been wispy washy this entire time. He doesn’t know what he wants, which is why he is seeing both of you and will continue to do so as long as you allow it. In a way, he is forcing YOU to decide, so he doesn’t have to. That way, he doesn’t have to feel the challenge of making the decision. It’s another way of him avoiding what he needs to face.
Again, I want to invite you to just take responsibility for yourself. Instead of waiting for HIM to decide, it’s time for YOU to decide and take responsibility for yourself. I know it’s hard for you, but both of you keep putting the decision in the other person’s hands and neither of you are really willing to make that decision at this point. And that’s okay. You have 30 years together. There is NOTHING easy about breaking up and losing a dream.
I know you want him to fight for you right now, but I’m not sure that’s really realistic at this point. This is why I’m encouraging you to fight for yourself. Maybe instead of making this and end forever, what if you suggested to just take a break for 3 months. No contact, no nothing and then set a date 3 months away and agree to come back together and talk about things. How does that approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
You know, I think it is so great that you only had sex once. That says something! Sex is not dominating how you both interact with each other, yet he is still very affectionate. That’s wonderful!
How in the world did he break one of his teeth?? That sucks! Was it fixable?
Wow…it’s been 3 months? It seems like much longer….closer to 6 months! You guys just seem like such a good match and that makes me so happy. It sounds like you guys are likeminded enough to be able to have a really good flow in life. No rushing, just enjoying the moment and enjoying each other’s company while still living separate lives. Woohoo!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
When do you start the project again? Have you researched Meetup groups there yet? What’s the social scene like there? I have no doubt you will meet some fun new people. You are quite adventurous and connective and fun, so I’m sure you will be a breath of fresh air there!
Heidi
Hi Annika,
I wish there were a way to just clear negative thinking for someone. That’s really up to that person. I’m not sure how much it is that negativity is what is stopping him from wanting to date you seriously. His work and his career are priority. He may just want to have hook ups and not date anyone seriously, as you already experienced how hard it is for him to make plans. Even though you never complained, it still is really frustrating, even for him. This is an aspect you cannot change about him. How can you date someone seriously when he is hardly available? It’s not possible. Someday, when he is ready to slow down at work, he will have more room to be able to meet someone, but that time is not right now.
If he texts you again, make sure to take some time before you respond to it. Wait a few hours. Even wait until the next day. He might respond to that more.
I think it’s time for you to let this guy go and move on. Find a guy who is actually available and not married to his work. You will be so much more happy for it! You don’t want to spend your time competing against a guy’s work…you will always lose. I know it’s hard, but give yourself some time and let your heart heal from letting this guy go, then open it back up again to some new possibilities. There will be another guy that comes along that can make you feel excited and passionate and wonderful.
Heidi
Hi Vino,
My heart just sank hearing about JB’s mom. How awful. It’s such a hard loss, on so many levels when you lose a parent. I will be sending him a lot of good vibes as he deals with a life now without his mother. I’m sorry for you too, as this affects you. I have no doubt you feel the sadness of the situation as well and wish you could bring him comfort. He will be ready in time. So so sad.
I was kind of giggling inside that you were saying you had no idea what to put on your resume, then the following paragraph contained everything you would put in your resume…and you just didn’t know it. I’m glad you connected to it and feel good about it!
Your mother sounds like she has some amazing and wonderful qualities as well. Although she was very limited in a lot of ways and caused a lot of hurt, I’m happy to know she is improving and able to make some good changes that allow you and your brother to connect.
It does sound like there are still some areas to work on forgiveness with her. When you say ” Or maybe, it’s not so much forgiveness, as an unwillingness to cut her some slack and refusing to see her as a young woman, full of fears and worries and responsibilities that we all fill up when we have kids.” The part of you wanting to hold her accountable and not cut her some slack, is the part of you that is not forgiving. When we have completely forgiven AND healed, there are no negative emotions around the events or person that caused us harm. Forgiveness does not mean forget, it just means the negativity in our hearts has been released and there is no longer a need to hold the person accountable, be passive aggressive or whatever it is we each do in response to being hurt. There are MANY layers to work through with parents…lol. I’m glad you are working on it though. That’s all that really matters.
Another exercise is creating 2 columns. On the left side, write what hurt, what made you angry, what made you resentful etc. and then directly across in the other column write “And I choose to forgive my mom for this.” You may not actually feel that way, but that’s okay. The more and more you can do something like this, the more it can start to shift in your heart.
Heidi
I can offer a few ideas, as I am very close to my mother. My mother has messed up so badly and caused an incredible amount of harm in my life, but the 1 quality she had, which is why we are so close, is that she cared. She not only cared about the harm she caused, she did therapy, she worked on herself so deeply so she could wake up to her patterns and her limitations. That allows me to look at her and know that despite all her limitations, she fights for her life. She fights for her emotional health. She fights for her happiness (still to the very day) and that is what allows me to accept her, love her and also to follow her example. So to me, being a mother is being a role model. Protective. Caring. Wanting the very best for your child. Being a good listener. Being a good problem solver. Being a good guide. What “good” is, is relative to each person and each culture. I have no doubt, your mother felt she was doing a “good” thing by getting those bras for you (even though it turned out to be messy for you). Being a mother is hard, so an important quality to develop is forgiveness, mostly for yourself and for your own limitations and lack of knowledge and wisdom when you needed it most.
Those are things I imagine a mother would want to be for their child (even if it ends up pretty messy). I imagine that everything you feel you are in being a “big sister” to your kids, are qualities of the kind of mother you want to be…you just don’t want to use that word. And that’s okay! That’s what life is, right? Figuring this stuff out, so we can heal.
Heidi
