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Hi MC,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing this with us. You are asking some really great questions!
How come you guys haven’t met up yet? What is stopping that from happening? I understand you are told to stay indoors, but this is more recent. You guys have known each other for a few months now, so how come you didn’t meet up before the whole virus outbreak?
First, I want to suggest that you stop telling those other dates about this current guy. If you are going to keep dating, that means you are going to keep the door open to other opportunities. You are closing the door to those new opportunities by telling them about this current guy. It’s not necessary. Go be present with other dates. Keep the door open and allow yourself to experience them fully and completely. You haven’t even met this current guy yet and you are already telling new guys about him. So if you are going to date, then go date and be present with each guy and fully experience them.
You are correct in that this current guy does have some challenges about body image. What he has already mentioned tells you that he struggles with it. I think most people do, but the question is, is he able to look past all of it. Some people REALLY struggle with aging and losing their bodies. It can really start to steal their joy in life as their appearance and body’s ability to perform in life, changes. Some people get sucked into depression about the loss of it and others handle it really well. Either way, what is important is that you just continue to be you and know you are lovable and worth choosing and fighting for, even if you were to gain some weight. If that is something he can’t accept, that is his problem isn’t it?
Basically, your concerns are valid. However, none of it really matters until you are able to meet in person. It’s a dangerous thing to build deeper connection with someone you have never met in person. So what’s the plan to make that happen?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I haven’t gotten the chance to watch the video, but give me some time. I’m curious if the video was helpful for you on you any level.
I find it interesting that with the 2 people you mentioned that caused you great hurt, you were able to forgive the man, but not he woman. Just like you are not able to forgive your mother. The relationship you have with your mother, the wounds and energy you carry about her, leak out into the rest of your life and your view of women.
“with my mother… i don’t see how that can work at this point. It’s not a new relationship. What do daughters even need their mothers for? I mean, what does a mother-daughter relationship look like? i don’t need her anymore, as a mother, do i? Also, in trying to envision a scenario in which she breaks my trust, i don’t see myself getting hurt. I see myself hating her. The only other person in my life that I’ve hated is the ex! I don’t like hating people. i’d rather feel pain than hate!”
Let’s talk about those thoughts you have for a minute. In order to enter into ANY relationship Vino, it is guaranteed there is going to be hurt. It is guaranteed there is going to be disappointment, trust will be broken and many tears will be shed. And you will also be doing the same to him. It’s just part of what exists in a relationship over time. In order for a relationship to last and stay healthy, those moments need to be forgiven and the slate wiped clean. The relationship, in essence, needs to start fresh again. You both learn, you both forgive, you both move forward. When someone doesn’t forgive and release their feelings about the past, over time, it just keeps building up until that person literally has NO tolerance for mistakes to happen. Then that pain and hurt that is being held onto, suffocates the relationship and doesn’t allow for humanness to happen…mistakes, hurt, disappointment end up ruling their hearts, which means there is no room for love to come through. Do you see how you are doing this with your mother? No, it’s not a new relationship with her, but it can be. It can become new when you release the hurt. The slate gets wiped clean. It seems you are holding onto her past transgressions so tightly, so you can punish her for the pain she caused. It seems this pain is really serving you well in keeping your heart locked away from her….which is the one thing she really wants from you. So you it’s child energy saying “you didn’t give me what I wanted. You didn’t love me in the way I needed. So I’m going to hurt you back by not giving you my love. You are not going to get what you want, because you didn’t give me what I wanted.” And by the way….I’m just throwing ideas out here. I’m not saying this is all true…I’m throwing out scenarios here, just to see if you connect to any of it.
Let’s look at the other part of your statement. You say, “what do daughters need their mothers for?” Let me ask you this. What do daughters need their fathers for? What do children need their parents for? If you weren’t there for your children and they had to grow up without you, what do you feel would be missing in their lives, not having a mother?
Heidi: “So much of you rebels against anything she was, so your need to be playful and childlike is probably even magnified, to go against what you had to grow up with.” — this actually has me worried. I know it’s ok for adults to be a bit childlike… but – if the child is magnified – now there’s a problem, isn’t there? why is my monster child refusing to grow up? Every stage of life is beautiful. And i don’t want to be a child in a relationship with a man.” Let me clarify here Vino. I wouldn’t worry at all. There are so many other things in your life that are worth paying attention to and working on. Being childish is not one of them. Even if it were magnified, so what!!! So what if you embarrass your guy every once in awhile. If he cannot handle something like that, then he is not someone you want in your life. We ALL have things about us that are challenging to deal with, might be embarrassing etc. If a guy is going to love you, it’s going to be ALL of you, even if you happen to embarrass him for being too silly in a moment where it’s inappropriate. I mean if you think about it Vino, if that is the worst of things, that’s pretty good!!! That’s workable, fixable and VERY FAR from the worst things to deal with. So let it go! Be silly and be fun and just be yourself!
When you think about your next job, maybe you can get more excited by looking for something you feel passionate about. You love to lead and solve problems. You love being silly. You love being connective. You love variety. So what kinds of things can you do, that support those aspects of you? Some other things you can think about are: how exactly would you like your day to be structured? Meaning, work in the mornings, afternoons, evenings? What kind of income would you like to bring in? Would you prefer to be more of a leader of a group and be part of a group, or be solo and work on your own? Do you prefer to work inside or outside, or both? (For me personally, I cannot work somewhere that doesn’t have HUGE windows. I always need to have access to the outside and be able to see nature). My point in asking all of this, is for you to start to dream about how you would like your days to be like. Why not make that happen? Why not get creative and why not start to manifest the things that really nourish your heart and access that passion of yours?
Heidi
Hi Ching,
Thank you for sharing more details. I understand there are things you could have done better. The truth is though, it is NOT all your fault. There is not a single relationship where it is all 1 sided. Breakups always include 2 people’s behaviors, thoughts and feelings. You guys have a really hard situation and you were doing the very best that you knew how, in order to survive. Many times, we learn through causing someone else hurt. Every relationship has hurt in it. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just part of being in relationship. It sounds like you have hurt him, but that you also learned about yourself and were willing to change. I’m sure there have been many times he has hurt you as well. What is most important is that you learn from your mistakes and then move forward.
He does not seem very forgiving and that is his challenge. Ching, your life is worth so much more than this pain. Do not let this pain ruin you. Do not give him all the value that is true about you, and put it in his hands. Meaning, you are letting HIM decide whether or not you are valuable. He is just another person, who DOES NOT deserve to carry that power over you. Truth is, another person would see you very differently than him. Another person may see how amazing you are, how resilient you are, how strong you are, even though you mess up sometimes. I’m so sorry he does not see you this way and that is part of HIS problem, not yours. Your life matters and not because he would choose you, but because you are worth choosing no matter what! This is the kind of role model that your children need to see in you. That no matter how someone else thinks about them, they are still lovable, they are still good people, their lives still matter. Think about all the powerful people in this world that make good changes. Every single one of those people, even though they were doing good things, had people that hated them and had people try to kill them and had people say horrible things about them. Did they quit?? No. Those powerful people kept moving forward to make good changes in this world, even against those people that hated them. That’s what you need to do right now. Your husband needs to see and feel your strength and value, no matter how he feels about you. Your husband needs to see that you are okay without him. Your husband needs to see that you are going to fight to be happy, even though he is not choosing you right now. These qualities are VERY attractive to men. It will take some time, but it actually may end up bringing him back to you. Men are really attracted to a woman who has self respect and that is something really missing in you right now.
So let’s start with this. Tell me about yourself. Tell me about your very best qualities and what makes you a good wife, a good friend, a good mother.
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I’m glad you connected to the blocks! That’s spectacular! You do have such amazing strength to look at all of this!
So let’s work a little deeper here. You said ” I don’t hold anything against her. But, i’m not her little girl. I’m nobody’s little girl!” You DO hold all kinds of things against her. When you say “I don’t mind approaching relationships with women from the outside, but, I don’t want to get vulnerable and connect on an emotional level. And that emotional thing, is what my mom wants.” You don’t trust and that’s okay. It’s a good place to start. I can’t remember if I have said this to you yet. Trust is something that has to start with you, first and foremost, as your FOUNDATION. I view trust as something I carry myself. So when I am afraid and not sure whether to trust someone else, I switch it around to saying, “You know what Heidi…you are resilient. You have people around you that will help you through anything. You have a skill set to handle hurt, disappointment or whatever ends up happening in life. Trust yourself, that not matter what happens, you will be okay. There has not been a single moment in your life where you haven’t turned your pain into your power. Trust yourself.” That is how I am able to risk in my life. Loving is a risk, ALWAYS. Whether it’s romance, with siblings, with parents, with friends. Trusting yourself that you will be okay, even WHEN they hurt you, is so important. When you put trust in someone else, that’s when it becomes fragile. Reality is, their humanness will break that trust. Their humanness will cause you harm and there is no way around it. Just as you will break their trust and cause them harm. It’s just part of relationship. That is why trusting yourself, that you will be okay no matter what shows up in your life, keeps you grounded and solid. That trust you have with yourself is NOT breakable. It’s constant and solid and something you can ALWAYS count on. Just something to think about.
I imagine you are not comfortable being dignified, partly because your mother was. So much of you rebels against anything she was, so your need to be playful and childlike is probably even magnified, to go against what you had to grow up with. Babysitters are accessing their mothering instincts, so you being playful and silly was just wonderful. You were accessing your nurturing and connective and female energy to create a wonderful experience with that little boy.
You do have a lot going on right now! There is loss in the air around you. It’s hard. Endings are so darn difficult, even if there are wonderful adventures waiting. Whenever there is any kind of change, even if it’s the most amazing change in the world, it always comes with loss. Change is one of those weird times when you can feel completely opposite emotions like excited and sad, at the same exact time. Do you have any plans yet? Is there anything that peaks your interest?
I’m still sending good vibes to JB for his healing. He has a huge change to adapt to as he feels his identity differently now. I’m glad you are there for him.
Heidi
How many more tests does he have to go through? What kinds of things did you learn about his fireman life?
That’s a bummer about your leg. I’m glad you canceled. So many people love to ignore things like that and then make it worse. It’s a major problem in the city where I live. Everyone here is soooo athletic and performance is the most important thing to them, so they ignore the pain. I suppose it helps keep me in business as a trainer who specializes in injuries 🙂 When you went back to the doctor, did they tell you anything about it, or just to rest?
I like the idea of baking biscuits for him. It’s nice! We have a saying that “the way to a man’s heart is through his belly.” I have a chocolate chip cookie recipe that is to die for! About a decade ago, I had a new job as a trainer for these elite soccer girls, but my desk was in an office with 10 other trainers who were guys. They DID NOT like me! They hadn’t had a female in their office ever, so I was quite the intruder. Super long story short, I started baking my cookies and bringing them in as little gifts for different guys as a “thank you” for helping me with something. It worked!!!! Within about a month, they started asking me for more cookies and they started talking to me more. hahaha!
Anyways…Saturday sounds like a really fun and mellow evening. He is definitely into you!
Heidi
Hi Ching,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It is awful to feel rejected like this and very scary.
Is he having an affair? Does he have another woman he has been seeing for awhile? Is that part of why he wants a divorce? Can you explain more why he wants to end the marriage?
The first thing I want to encourage you to do, is to take care of yourself and start to work on valuing the woman you are. When you start begging him to stay through the various ways, you are disconnecting from your value. You basically are begging him to value you. Men will not respect that, because you are not respecting yourself. Men generally respect and want to be around women who value themselves and who have standards and feel strong. What you are doing is completely de-valuing who you are, just so you can keep him. It sounds like you will do anything to keep him. It sounds like you are completely lost and have no idea who you are without him in your life. If you are going to have a healthy love, it’s so important that you know your value, you know who you are SEPARATE than him. Each person needs to have standards as to how they are treated, if respect is going to be part of the relationship. If those elements are missing, marriages tend to fall apart at some point.
So tell me…it sounds like there are some problems in your marriage. It’s obvious you want to fix things, but he is not. I know you feel like you love him and you are lost without him, but maybe if you find your strength and self respect, he might actually consider not getting a divorce. However, that doesn’t change the problems that exist in the first place. It sounds like your marriage was unhappy. Is this true?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your story with us.
I understand why you would be confused and hurt. He did go from 1 extreme to the other.
There is something you need to understand about men. They are VERY defined by their ability to produce in the world. If a man’s job gets taken away, it can hit their self esteem in a really BIG way. A man’s work is so very important to him. It’s probably one of the most important areas of a man’s life. So when he got laid off, my guess is, he got really embarrassed. Here he had this new girlfriend and now all of a sudden he lost his job, which means he has no ability to be able to provide for her, take her out on dates, buy her little gifts etc. His ability to provide for himself was taken away. So his personal response to that feeling, was to pull away from you. Him breaking up has nothing to do with how he feels about you directly. It’s about him losing the feeling of being a “man” and being able to provide. He got embarrassed, his low self esteem came waaaaay up and he didn’t feel good about himself. He wouldn’t feel good about being a boyfriend, so he cut ties. Does this make sense?
My guess is, once he finds another job and gets settled in it and starts to feel more like a “man” who can provide again, he will open back up to the idea of a relationship with you.
In the meantime, he is still connecting quite a bit with you. Use this time to build a friendship and get to know each other. It’s a great way to slow things down and work on developing a strong foundation like friendship, communication, encouragement and support. He needs to know that you respect him, as he probably is struggling to respect himself right now. He needs to know you believe in him. He needs to know you have confidence in his abilities. He needs to know you still see him as a sexy, strong man that you would be proud to stand next to. You can let him know those things in very subtle ways. Stay open to connecting and let him figure this out while you just continue to be there.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Oh wow! That is really fast! And if I remember correctly, this project is until the end of the year?
Again, I am sooo happy to hear that everyone is really nice. You need that, especially after your last boss. This new adventure will bring a lot of new things into your life. I’m looking forward to hearing about all of it!
Safe travels!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I LOVE that you are not giving up your pole dance class to see him. Soooo many ladies would instantly give that up for the night just to connect. You are still living your life and having your own life, separate than him. Well done!
As far as Valentine’s Day, maybe you say that to him, in person or if you talk on the phone. I’m sure it’s been something that may be floating around in his mind as well, so why not just talk about it? You can say something like, “You know…I wasn’t sure how to deal with Valentine’s Day with you and whether or not to get you a present or whether we should join in the festivities. To be honest, at this point, I’m not really attached to it and am glad we passing through it. I’m not really attached to it in general actually. It’s not a day I typically invest in….” You get the point. It might be a good time to discuss this holiday and get on the same page about it. It’s a moment to learn about each other and how you both feel about this time. Valentine’s Day, as much as it is about love, it also has caused a lot of heartbreak as well, so I like to encourage people to always have a conversation around it if there is uncertainty. It’d be good to learn how each other feels about this day. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Carol,
This is a really good question and I am glad you are asking this. Help us understand a little more about why you are feeling bothered by this.
You say that you are not insecure or jealous, so what is it EXACTLY that is bothering you about this? If you don’t feel threatened by her, then why not just let him handle it how he wants? If you trust him and are not worried about him going back to her, then why care about what he is saying or not saying to her?
I have a feeling that he is being a bit misleading. I would agree that him saying “she doesn’t get to demand anything from me” is NOT saying, “we are over, please don’t contact me anymore.” The fact that they are still having a conversation at all, makes me wonder why. I also find it interesting that he calls her “crazy.” I know many guys who loosely use that term with a woman who is getting emotional, because the guy is stringing her along. So I’m wondering if these are some of your concerns and worries about the situation. I am wondering what is happening for him, that he would still be in contact with her at this point. Is that what you are wondering and feeling bothered about?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I want to encourage you to head in a bit of a different direction with your mother. Trying to see her as a nice old lady is just not realistic. She is your mother and no amount of ways you trick yourself into believing she is something different, will work. Your psyche knows, your heart knows, every fiber in your being knows she is your mother. Yes, there are burned bridges. The fact that you want to see her as a cool, old lady and don’t feel in alignment with identifying her as your mother in your mind and heart, that is a SUPER BIG barrier to your healing. Letting go of burned bridges is not so easy, especially when it comes to our parents. I think it’s such a great path for you to take, to start to really look at your relationship with the word “mother” and your mother. They are one and the same and still need some healing. You are doing such a great job looking at all of this! Thank you for sharing!
You know, I think if you had texted him EXACTLY what you wrote, that would been so helpful for JB. “When my dad died, many people came to comfort us. And it was interesting to note that those who gave the most comfort where the ones who said the least and just sat with us. I wish I could sit just with you. Words seem so inadequate right now, so just know that I’m here.”
We ALL struggle with black holes, no matter how educated, wise or evolved we are. Black hole type of energy is powerful and it’s easy to get sucked in for sure. I have had soooo many moments, and still will, where after the fact, I see what I could have done differently. So tell me, how would you have handled that customer differently so you could feel good about yourself afterwards?
It sounds really delightful playing with that 4 year old. He is lucky to have you running up and down the aisles with him. He is lucky to have you really be able to SEE him for the value that he is in this world. Your ability to just be with him, to see him, to join him…those are wonderful things you are offering him! Those abilities you carry, might want to go under the “mother” definition you are trying to work with. Just a thought 🙂
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I really want to encourage you to slow down. It seems like the flood gates of your heart have opened to this guy and you have only been on 1 date with him. It’s so important for you to keep perspective and protect your heart! Make him WORK for your heart. Focusing on trying to awaken his love and devotion only after 1 date, is really trying to speed things up. It’s important that you see him for who he really is FIRST, before you decide you want to have that kind of relationship with him.
I would encourage you to start with the technique Kanya suggested. Play it cool. Don’t be so available. If he does not make the effort to try to meet up in person, isn’t that something you want to know about him? If he doesn’t try to set up a date and all he wants to do is be flirty and connective over the phone, that tells me he is not a guy who is interested in being that serious. That tells me he is not a guy who is interested in putting effort in to make something happen. YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS ABOUT HIM!!! If he is not willing to invest his efforts into you for whatever reason, beyond flirty texting, then that is not a guy who is worth your time and attention. You don’t want to find yourself in a situation where you are the one making ALL of the efforts and taking the lead. You want a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to see you for a 2nd, 3rd, 20th date. You want a guy who is inspired NATURALLY to want to be around you, not because you are using “techniques” to get his attention. You are worth spending time with, just because of who you naturally are and if a guy doesn’t see or feel or know that, then he is not a good fit for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
I’m curious what kind of closure you need? What EXACTLY do you need to hear from him to feel like closure has happened?
I agree with Kanya in that it definitely sounded like you were breaking up. It sounds like you are very clear that the design was not working for you. Isn’t that closure?
Tell us more about that “sting” you feel when you think about it. What thoughts are there? What feelings are coming up?
In truth, you can create closure and heal that sting, all on your own, without ever talking to him again. Is that a path you are willing to go down?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I really want to encourage you to continue reaching out for help. Maybe a therapist or a coach or a weekend workshop? Something more than books. Something where you get to work on your personal issues with someone who is a specialist. What you are dealing with in your anxiety and high need to control, is not something that just goes away through behavior modification. It’s because those what is driving those issues is deeper. You may be able to make changes for a few weeks or months, but eventually it will start to seep back into your life and affect your mood and your relationship. If you really want to make some permanent changes, that would be the route to go. The more you work on healing the wounds that source your anxiety, frustrations etc. the more clarity and strength you will have access to, which is what I know you want.
Thank you for letting us be part of your journey Melissa. We wish you the very best as you navigate your situation and try to figure things out. We are always here for you, should you decide to come back.
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
Let’s wait a few weeks and see if he ever reaches out to contact you for you lunch. Don’t send him a book. Just wait. No contact at all for a few weeks.
As far as the book, I might choose a different book, because he may take it in the wrong way. Even though it is a book that can help, it also is a book for couples and romance. It’s not a parenting book. He may think you are giving him that book beyond reasons for his daughter. Find a book that is purely a parenting book. That’s a lot safer for right now. Maybe there is a forum you can find for fathers going through challenges with their daughters. Maybe there is a good workshop somewhere. Or maybe a good educational video series. There are a lot of options out there.
As far as what to say, I think it’s more about your actions speaking just as loud as your words. You already have said that you wanted to be friends and were okay with that, but your actions are telling a different story. I think that your actions are going to communicate more than any words at this point, which is why I am encouraging you not to contact him at all for right now.
Thoughts?
Heidi
