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Hi Cynthia,
The first thing you want to think about, is what do you hope to accomplish by telling him this? If it does resonate with him, then what? What are you wanting him to do for you? If you think about it, he is the one cheating and lying and you are worried about how HE might feel by expressing your feelings??
I also want to connect you back to yourself first and foremost. By choosing to stay connected, you are ignoring all of the hurt and bad feelings that come with this situation. Continuing to connect, you essentially are disrespecting yourself. I know you want to stay connected in order to hopefully get him to come back, but there are consequences to that path. Part of those consequences, is you end up disrespecting yourself, as you don’t have strong boundaries as to how you are treated. If you don’t have those strong boundaries for yourself and how you are treated, why would you expect that he would treat you better, than how you treat yourself? Yes, he is disrespecting you for sure. It’s awful and it hurts. It’s supposed to. It just seems that maybe in the process of you trying to stay connected to him and maybe get him back, you are losing parts of yourself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Darlene,
We would love to help you, but we need more details. Every situation is so different, so the guidance we offer is not the same. What happened? Have you met in person? How long did you date for? Are you guys still stalking to each other or has he completely cut off?
Share as much detail as possible.
Heidi
Hi Ching,
I understand you want him back. I am trying to help you connect back to your confidence, as that is so important if you are going to get him back. You said you used to be confident. When you are desperate and begging him to stay, it is a very unattractive quality to a man. The more you chase him, the more he will run the other direction and lose respect for you. That is why I want you to connect to your own power. This is much more attractive to a man. When you have confidence in yourself, when you treat yourself with respect, when you know how valuable you are, it can really draw a man closer. That is the direction I am leading you in.
Your focus needs to be getting your confidence back. That was who you used to be when things were good. So it’s time to get that back. What kinds of things can you do to help yourself feel good about who you are? How can you get your confidence back?
Heidi
Hi Zuzana,
For some reason, I thought you had told him that you would love to meet up for lunch and being a good friend for him was what you were interested in. I might be confusing you with someone else.
So in a few weeks, you can send him a text saying something like, “Hey…I know you have a lot going on and a lot of things you are trying to figure out. This book was really helpful for me with my children and thought it might help you. I know you don’t have much room for romance right now and I accept that. I’d love to be that supportive friend though. I’m game for meeting up for lunch every once in awhile. I have a good listening ear and am pretty good at problem solving should you want some ideas 🙂 Or…of course we can just talk about life in general. My friend hat is officially on. The ball is in your court.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Ching,
I’m sad that you have lost your confidence. I’m sad that your husbands opinions of you are so harsh. If you really think about it, everything he says about you, do you see in him as well? Right now, he is being stubborn, opinionated, controlling…yes?
I would like to invite you to expand your purpose. You have a purpose beyond having a clean house taking care of your children. Your are more than a mother, a house care taker a wife and a dental assistant. Those are just things you do. Your presence matters. How you feel about yourself, affects every single person you come into contact with. Your smiles matter to people. Your caring heart matters to people. You do make a difference in every person’s life.
I’m so sorry that your husband is rejecting you so intensely, but I think it is time that you know you are valuable, even if he doesn’t think so. I asked what makes you a good mother. From the little I know, I would say that it is important to you that your children are happy. You make sure the house is clean so that your children have a home that feels good to them. That means you care about their comfort, you care about their safety, you care about how they feel. Having a clean home is one of the ways you love them. What are some other things you do for them?
As far as your husband, how he feels and experiences you, has truth in it. He says you are controlling and opinionated. Do you feel this is true? If yes, how?
Let’s keep in mind though, he most likely is with another woman at this point, from what you have noticed, so he is breaking your agreement as husband and wife. I’m not aware of any woman who wouldn’t have a strong reaction about that. Let’s say he does come back. Would you say that you really love being married to him? Is he a good husband? Do you like him as a person? Is he someone you really respect and want to grow old with, happily?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Did your osteopath give you any ideas about how to re-strengthen your leg so the injury doesn’t come back? That’s an important part to healing, as I’m sure you already know. Maybe consider going to see a physical therapist or a trainer who specializes in injuries. Once an injury occurs, that pain pathway becomes an easier target for future disruptions, so it’s so crucial to properly strengthen the entire chain again, as soon as possible. You probably already know this though.
What cookies are your specialty?? Do you have a favorite kind?
From his actions and how he is handling everything with you, it sounds like you both are on the same page about how you feel about each other. Love is in the air for sure!!! hehe!!
What I have done sometimes in the past about $, is I have given my boyfriend at the time $50-$100 towards our entertainment budget. So whenever we went out, he paid for everything, but the money I gave him, helped pay for it. I experimented with that at first and found it felt really good for both of us. Just a thought and maybe something to try. Otherwise, you are wise to listen to him and respect what he wants in this particular area 🙂
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Thank you for sharing everything you have and being a bit more vulnerable. I truly appreciate that!
“I noticed it too, as I wrote it down – that I forgave the man and not the woman. I can’t trust either one of them with my heart again. However, the more I tried to figure it out, the only thing that I could think of was the Silliness Factor.” I’m glad you noticed this! Well done! Bottom line is though, no matter what someone has done and their reason, every single person deserves to be completely forgiven. Whatever it is you choose not to forgive, the person who pays the price the most, is you. Remember, forgiveness does not mean you forget and let the person back into your life. Forgiveness is releasing your negative thoughts and feelings around the events and person. You stop holding onto the hurt and anger and you replace that with indifference and even sometimes compassion, as you connect to the deeper truth about who they really are and the their own wounds they carry that influenced how they showed up with you. Obviously there are some things that are way more difficult to forgive than others, but that does not change that you still choose to fight for forgiveness.
“She destroyed the best years of my life.” I understand this is how you feel. You have been through a lot with her and she definitely has a lot of limitations. I’d like to offer an expanded view of this from a few different ways, as this is far from simple.
1. Remember there are always 2 perspectives and experiences. Your perspective about your mother is based on your eyes, your level of development at the time you are perceiving whatever is happening and all of it is tainted by whatever colored glasses you are wearing. Meaning, every single one of us has a specific lens of which we view world through. This just means that as we are experiencing a situation, so is someone else…through their lens. They wills see and feel and gather different information than you will. No one is ever completely right or wrong about a situation. Each person’s perspective is true for them and can easily contradict the other person’s perspective. Another way to explain this is imagine looking at a bouquet of flowers. You are looking at one side and your mother is looking at the other side. You are seeing roses and sunflowers. On your mom’s side, she is seeing daises and tulips. Both of you are right! No one is wrong here. It’s just about perspective. My point in saying all of this, is your perspective about your mother is coming from a very limited understanding about who she is and why she did the things she did. You don’t really know what was deep in her heart about how she mothered you the way she did. She has a story too. She has wounds too. She did the very best she knew how with you, with whatever it is that she was taught and how she was treated along with all the wounds she carries. On top of that, you came into this life with certain sensitivities that would cause you to respond in the way you have. Another kid, with a different emotional matrix, might have skated through your life not having as strong of a reaction to your mother. I have watched kids completely lose their **it over something so darn small and other kids that just hardly get phased by things. My brothers and I responded sooooo differently to the same exact parenting. Why? Because we came into this life with different emotional matrices. If a person were to look at me, they would believe my mom was the best mother in the entire world. If they were to look at my brothers, they would wonder what kind of mother she was to have turned out boys that are so angry and emotionally shut down. So what kind of mother was she really??? She was both. The difference in the results of her children, was how we chose to react to her limitations as we became adults and capable of processing our hurt. I chose to forgive and release and they didn’t. Is that my mom’s fault??? Vino, your mom made your life more difficult, but NOW…it’s 100% in your hands how you choose to feel. It’s not your mom’s fault that you are still angry at her. It’s not your mom’s fault that you carry resentment. You are an adult now and get to choose how you feel. I grew up having the kind of life that I would never wish on anyone. I grew up surviving things that would break most people and do. I am part of 1% of people who are high functioning and didn’t get destroyed. The thing is, as I look back at my life, I wouldn’t change a thing. Because of the amount of harm caused, it caused me to have to fight for my health. I had to fight to learn to feel safe to love. I had to fight to release the anger and rage I felt. I had to fight to release the shackles of hatred and resentment towards those who caused me harm. And you know what? I won. I am free. Of course I will always have triggers for the rest of my life. Everyone always does, but what I do have is the skill set to handle it. What I do have is myself. I KNOW, that no matter what someone does to me, I can heal. I know I am resilient. I know there is nothing I cannot forgive. I know I will always fight for my joy in life. The darkness and limitations of other people WILL NOT STEAL MY JOY! We all have those choices in our lives. I’m glad I turned out to have the very strong warrior maiden energy in me. I would not have made it otherwise. And funny enough, my mother is the one who role modeled that for me. The times that I was breaking and giving up, she came along side me and carried the vision for me. She was that voice that told me to never ever quit and let anyone steal my joy. She told me to always forgive, no matter what. She forgave me in all my horribleness, so she showed me what forgiveness looks like. I know you mother may not be able to offer you those things, but that doesn’t take your choice away to forgive anyways. Here is ancient Cherokee Parable:
An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life…
“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.“One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.
“The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
“This same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”The old chief simply replied,
“The one you feed.”2. As far as mothers vs. parents, there are differences. Being a male in this world is very different than being a female. Male energy is about producing, getting things done, accomplishing, setting goals, making money, getting projects done, making sure there is a house and food on the table. So when we are “doing” we are accessing our male energy. The female energy is about “being.” Female energy is about connecting, compassion, caring, nurturing, relationship, playfulness…basically heart centered types of things. Female energy cares about the experience someone is having. So yes, the things you listed for parents to do, is accurate and those are things parents do together. But the father can do things the woman just doesn’t fully understand, because she is not a man. He can help his son and daughter understand how a man thinks and feels his way through life. A father who is energetically balanced, shows his son how to be a man in this world and be comfortable accessing his feminine energy. Meaning, teaching him it’s okay to have emotions, to love, to connect to nurture the relationships in his life, while being a man. And the opposite is true for a female. The specific things a mom provides for her daughter are to teach her how to access both her feminine and male sides, while being a woman. For example, I was a soccer player. The moment I started getting ready for practice or games, I had to put on male energy, as that was what needed to be dominant. But while at practice, I had friends, so my female side would nurture the relationships I had. On the field, my male energy was dominant, but my female energy was constantly staying connected to my teammates so I could stay connected to them. But going to school, or going out on dates, my female energy was dominant. I wore makeup, I did my hair, I flirted, I connected, I wore clothes made for females. So moms help develop the divine feminine energy in a way that no one else can. Moms who are present for their children, know them in ways that no one else can. A good mom has deep intimacy with her child. She knows their quirks, she knows their limitations, she knows their best traits. All the information a mom has about her child comes from taking care of them day in and day out. She will know how guide them in the best ways, to help them accomplish what they need. This is not something anyone else can step in and do, as the mother has intimate details that no one else has. The father takes care of the divine masculine. A man will NEVER understand what it means to be woman in this world, what we feel like in our bodies, what it feels like to navigate this world and vice versa. So moms and dads are supposed to work together to help their kids understand the different perspectives. But a mom can help her daughter with certain things a father cannot, because she is female. The father can help his son with certain things a mother cannot, because he is male. A father cannot walk his daughter through having a period the same way a mom would. A mother cannot walk her son through his first erections and sexual desires the same way a father could. These are just all the basics of course and speaking quite general. I think a good social experiment you might do, is go talk to your peers. Go ask moms that you know that very question. “What do you think a mother can provide for her daughter, that no one else can provide?” Make sure to ask the same about a father as well. I have no doubt the answers will be interesting, but you might start to find some commonalities between all the answers.
I’ve said a lot today and I know I didn’t address everything. There is so much to say, but talking over a computer is a limitation. Hopefully it all makes sense!
Heidi
Hi MC,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing this with us. You are asking some really great questions!
How come you guys haven’t met up yet? What is stopping that from happening? I understand you are told to stay indoors, but this is more recent. You guys have known each other for a few months now, so how come you didn’t meet up before the whole virus outbreak?
First, I want to suggest that you stop telling those other dates about this current guy. If you are going to keep dating, that means you are going to keep the door open to other opportunities. You are closing the door to those new opportunities by telling them about this current guy. It’s not necessary. Go be present with other dates. Keep the door open and allow yourself to experience them fully and completely. You haven’t even met this current guy yet and you are already telling new guys about him. So if you are going to date, then go date and be present with each guy and fully experience them.
You are correct in that this current guy does have some challenges about body image. What he has already mentioned tells you that he struggles with it. I think most people do, but the question is, is he able to look past all of it. Some people REALLY struggle with aging and losing their bodies. It can really start to steal their joy in life as their appearance and body’s ability to perform in life, changes. Some people get sucked into depression about the loss of it and others handle it really well. Either way, what is important is that you just continue to be you and know you are lovable and worth choosing and fighting for, even if you were to gain some weight. If that is something he can’t accept, that is his problem isn’t it?
Basically, your concerns are valid. However, none of it really matters until you are able to meet in person. It’s a dangerous thing to build deeper connection with someone you have never met in person. So what’s the plan to make that happen?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I haven’t gotten the chance to watch the video, but give me some time. I’m curious if the video was helpful for you on you any level.
I find it interesting that with the 2 people you mentioned that caused you great hurt, you were able to forgive the man, but not he woman. Just like you are not able to forgive your mother. The relationship you have with your mother, the wounds and energy you carry about her, leak out into the rest of your life and your view of women.
“with my mother… i don’t see how that can work at this point. It’s not a new relationship. What do daughters even need their mothers for? I mean, what does a mother-daughter relationship look like? i don’t need her anymore, as a mother, do i? Also, in trying to envision a scenario in which she breaks my trust, i don’t see myself getting hurt. I see myself hating her. The only other person in my life that I’ve hated is the ex! I don’t like hating people. i’d rather feel pain than hate!”
Let’s talk about those thoughts you have for a minute. In order to enter into ANY relationship Vino, it is guaranteed there is going to be hurt. It is guaranteed there is going to be disappointment, trust will be broken and many tears will be shed. And you will also be doing the same to him. It’s just part of what exists in a relationship over time. In order for a relationship to last and stay healthy, those moments need to be forgiven and the slate wiped clean. The relationship, in essence, needs to start fresh again. You both learn, you both forgive, you both move forward. When someone doesn’t forgive and release their feelings about the past, over time, it just keeps building up until that person literally has NO tolerance for mistakes to happen. Then that pain and hurt that is being held onto, suffocates the relationship and doesn’t allow for humanness to happen…mistakes, hurt, disappointment end up ruling their hearts, which means there is no room for love to come through. Do you see how you are doing this with your mother? No, it’s not a new relationship with her, but it can be. It can become new when you release the hurt. The slate gets wiped clean. It seems you are holding onto her past transgressions so tightly, so you can punish her for the pain she caused. It seems this pain is really serving you well in keeping your heart locked away from her….which is the one thing she really wants from you. So you it’s child energy saying “you didn’t give me what I wanted. You didn’t love me in the way I needed. So I’m going to hurt you back by not giving you my love. You are not going to get what you want, because you didn’t give me what I wanted.” And by the way….I’m just throwing ideas out here. I’m not saying this is all true…I’m throwing out scenarios here, just to see if you connect to any of it.
Let’s look at the other part of your statement. You say, “what do daughters need their mothers for?” Let me ask you this. What do daughters need their fathers for? What do children need their parents for? If you weren’t there for your children and they had to grow up without you, what do you feel would be missing in their lives, not having a mother?
Heidi: “So much of you rebels against anything she was, so your need to be playful and childlike is probably even magnified, to go against what you had to grow up with.” — this actually has me worried. I know it’s ok for adults to be a bit childlike… but – if the child is magnified – now there’s a problem, isn’t there? why is my monster child refusing to grow up? Every stage of life is beautiful. And i don’t want to be a child in a relationship with a man.” Let me clarify here Vino. I wouldn’t worry at all. There are so many other things in your life that are worth paying attention to and working on. Being childish is not one of them. Even if it were magnified, so what!!! So what if you embarrass your guy every once in awhile. If he cannot handle something like that, then he is not someone you want in your life. We ALL have things about us that are challenging to deal with, might be embarrassing etc. If a guy is going to love you, it’s going to be ALL of you, even if you happen to embarrass him for being too silly in a moment where it’s inappropriate. I mean if you think about it Vino, if that is the worst of things, that’s pretty good!!! That’s workable, fixable and VERY FAR from the worst things to deal with. So let it go! Be silly and be fun and just be yourself!
When you think about your next job, maybe you can get more excited by looking for something you feel passionate about. You love to lead and solve problems. You love being silly. You love being connective. You love variety. So what kinds of things can you do, that support those aspects of you? Some other things you can think about are: how exactly would you like your day to be structured? Meaning, work in the mornings, afternoons, evenings? What kind of income would you like to bring in? Would you prefer to be more of a leader of a group and be part of a group, or be solo and work on your own? Do you prefer to work inside or outside, or both? (For me personally, I cannot work somewhere that doesn’t have HUGE windows. I always need to have access to the outside and be able to see nature). My point in asking all of this, is for you to start to dream about how you would like your days to be like. Why not make that happen? Why not get creative and why not start to manifest the things that really nourish your heart and access that passion of yours?
Heidi
Hi Ching,
Thank you for sharing more details. I understand there are things you could have done better. The truth is though, it is NOT all your fault. There is not a single relationship where it is all 1 sided. Breakups always include 2 people’s behaviors, thoughts and feelings. You guys have a really hard situation and you were doing the very best that you knew how, in order to survive. Many times, we learn through causing someone else hurt. Every relationship has hurt in it. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just part of being in relationship. It sounds like you have hurt him, but that you also learned about yourself and were willing to change. I’m sure there have been many times he has hurt you as well. What is most important is that you learn from your mistakes and then move forward.
He does not seem very forgiving and that is his challenge. Ching, your life is worth so much more than this pain. Do not let this pain ruin you. Do not give him all the value that is true about you, and put it in his hands. Meaning, you are letting HIM decide whether or not you are valuable. He is just another person, who DOES NOT deserve to carry that power over you. Truth is, another person would see you very differently than him. Another person may see how amazing you are, how resilient you are, how strong you are, even though you mess up sometimes. I’m so sorry he does not see you this way and that is part of HIS problem, not yours. Your life matters and not because he would choose you, but because you are worth choosing no matter what! This is the kind of role model that your children need to see in you. That no matter how someone else thinks about them, they are still lovable, they are still good people, their lives still matter. Think about all the powerful people in this world that make good changes. Every single one of those people, even though they were doing good things, had people that hated them and had people try to kill them and had people say horrible things about them. Did they quit?? No. Those powerful people kept moving forward to make good changes in this world, even against those people that hated them. That’s what you need to do right now. Your husband needs to see and feel your strength and value, no matter how he feels about you. Your husband needs to see that you are okay without him. Your husband needs to see that you are going to fight to be happy, even though he is not choosing you right now. These qualities are VERY attractive to men. It will take some time, but it actually may end up bringing him back to you. Men are really attracted to a woman who has self respect and that is something really missing in you right now.
So let’s start with this. Tell me about yourself. Tell me about your very best qualities and what makes you a good wife, a good friend, a good mother.
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I’m glad you connected to the blocks! That’s spectacular! You do have such amazing strength to look at all of this!
So let’s work a little deeper here. You said ” I don’t hold anything against her. But, i’m not her little girl. I’m nobody’s little girl!” You DO hold all kinds of things against her. When you say “I don’t mind approaching relationships with women from the outside, but, I don’t want to get vulnerable and connect on an emotional level. And that emotional thing, is what my mom wants.” You don’t trust and that’s okay. It’s a good place to start. I can’t remember if I have said this to you yet. Trust is something that has to start with you, first and foremost, as your FOUNDATION. I view trust as something I carry myself. So when I am afraid and not sure whether to trust someone else, I switch it around to saying, “You know what Heidi…you are resilient. You have people around you that will help you through anything. You have a skill set to handle hurt, disappointment or whatever ends up happening in life. Trust yourself, that not matter what happens, you will be okay. There has not been a single moment in your life where you haven’t turned your pain into your power. Trust yourself.” That is how I am able to risk in my life. Loving is a risk, ALWAYS. Whether it’s romance, with siblings, with parents, with friends. Trusting yourself that you will be okay, even WHEN they hurt you, is so important. When you put trust in someone else, that’s when it becomes fragile. Reality is, their humanness will break that trust. Their humanness will cause you harm and there is no way around it. Just as you will break their trust and cause them harm. It’s just part of relationship. That is why trusting yourself, that you will be okay no matter what shows up in your life, keeps you grounded and solid. That trust you have with yourself is NOT breakable. It’s constant and solid and something you can ALWAYS count on. Just something to think about.
I imagine you are not comfortable being dignified, partly because your mother was. So much of you rebels against anything she was, so your need to be playful and childlike is probably even magnified, to go against what you had to grow up with. Babysitters are accessing their mothering instincts, so you being playful and silly was just wonderful. You were accessing your nurturing and connective and female energy to create a wonderful experience with that little boy.
You do have a lot going on right now! There is loss in the air around you. It’s hard. Endings are so darn difficult, even if there are wonderful adventures waiting. Whenever there is any kind of change, even if it’s the most amazing change in the world, it always comes with loss. Change is one of those weird times when you can feel completely opposite emotions like excited and sad, at the same exact time. Do you have any plans yet? Is there anything that peaks your interest?
I’m still sending good vibes to JB for his healing. He has a huge change to adapt to as he feels his identity differently now. I’m glad you are there for him.
Heidi
How many more tests does he have to go through? What kinds of things did you learn about his fireman life?
That’s a bummer about your leg. I’m glad you canceled. So many people love to ignore things like that and then make it worse. It’s a major problem in the city where I live. Everyone here is soooo athletic and performance is the most important thing to them, so they ignore the pain. I suppose it helps keep me in business as a trainer who specializes in injuries 🙂 When you went back to the doctor, did they tell you anything about it, or just to rest?
I like the idea of baking biscuits for him. It’s nice! We have a saying that “the way to a man’s heart is through his belly.” I have a chocolate chip cookie recipe that is to die for! About a decade ago, I had a new job as a trainer for these elite soccer girls, but my desk was in an office with 10 other trainers who were guys. They DID NOT like me! They hadn’t had a female in their office ever, so I was quite the intruder. Super long story short, I started baking my cookies and bringing them in as little gifts for different guys as a “thank you” for helping me with something. It worked!!!! Within about a month, they started asking me for more cookies and they started talking to me more. hahaha!
Anyways…Saturday sounds like a really fun and mellow evening. He is definitely into you!
Heidi
Hi Ching,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It is awful to feel rejected like this and very scary.
Is he having an affair? Does he have another woman he has been seeing for awhile? Is that part of why he wants a divorce? Can you explain more why he wants to end the marriage?
The first thing I want to encourage you to do, is to take care of yourself and start to work on valuing the woman you are. When you start begging him to stay through the various ways, you are disconnecting from your value. You basically are begging him to value you. Men will not respect that, because you are not respecting yourself. Men generally respect and want to be around women who value themselves and who have standards and feel strong. What you are doing is completely de-valuing who you are, just so you can keep him. It sounds like you will do anything to keep him. It sounds like you are completely lost and have no idea who you are without him in your life. If you are going to have a healthy love, it’s so important that you know your value, you know who you are SEPARATE than him. Each person needs to have standards as to how they are treated, if respect is going to be part of the relationship. If those elements are missing, marriages tend to fall apart at some point.
So tell me…it sounds like there are some problems in your marriage. It’s obvious you want to fix things, but he is not. I know you feel like you love him and you are lost without him, but maybe if you find your strength and self respect, he might actually consider not getting a divorce. However, that doesn’t change the problems that exist in the first place. It sounds like your marriage was unhappy. Is this true?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your story with us.
I understand why you would be confused and hurt. He did go from 1 extreme to the other.
There is something you need to understand about men. They are VERY defined by their ability to produce in the world. If a man’s job gets taken away, it can hit their self esteem in a really BIG way. A man’s work is so very important to him. It’s probably one of the most important areas of a man’s life. So when he got laid off, my guess is, he got really embarrassed. Here he had this new girlfriend and now all of a sudden he lost his job, which means he has no ability to be able to provide for her, take her out on dates, buy her little gifts etc. His ability to provide for himself was taken away. So his personal response to that feeling, was to pull away from you. Him breaking up has nothing to do with how he feels about you directly. It’s about him losing the feeling of being a “man” and being able to provide. He got embarrassed, his low self esteem came waaaaay up and he didn’t feel good about himself. He wouldn’t feel good about being a boyfriend, so he cut ties. Does this make sense?
My guess is, once he finds another job and gets settled in it and starts to feel more like a “man” who can provide again, he will open back up to the idea of a relationship with you.
In the meantime, he is still connecting quite a bit with you. Use this time to build a friendship and get to know each other. It’s a great way to slow things down and work on developing a strong foundation like friendship, communication, encouragement and support. He needs to know that you respect him, as he probably is struggling to respect himself right now. He needs to know you believe in him. He needs to know you have confidence in his abilities. He needs to know you still see him as a sexy, strong man that you would be proud to stand next to. You can let him know those things in very subtle ways. Stay open to connecting and let him figure this out while you just continue to be there.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Oh wow! That is really fast! And if I remember correctly, this project is until the end of the year?
Again, I am sooo happy to hear that everyone is really nice. You need that, especially after your last boss. This new adventure will bring a lot of new things into your life. I’m looking forward to hearing about all of it!
Safe travels!
Heidi
