Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Sharon,
Thank you for sharing more details. It’s helpful!
It sounds like his plate is really full right now and that is what is influencing him the most. My guess is, he is scared to connect with you. He may really like and not want to mess this up and end up disappointing you. You said he got his retirement statement and then went radio silent. That most likely is really influencing him as well.
For men, they NEED to produce something in life. It’s part of the core of how they function. Even if a guy were to be the stay at home dad, he would naturally be attracted to doing projects around the house or get himself involved in creating something. For women, we are driven at our core by relationships. We are the caretakers of our relationships. This is one of many differences between men and women. With that being said, he is facing retirement, it sounds like there are some challenges and uncertainty at work in some sort of way and it’s going to flip his world upside down. He has had an identity for a super long time through his work and his ability to produce and now he is nearing all of that ending. For men, it is life-changing – in a different way than it is for women (generally speaking of course). From everything I know, when a guy doesn’t have his feet grounded in who he is in this world and in his career, he is NOT AVAILABLE for a new relationship. I’ve personally experienced this along with helped a lot of women through this same scenario. Men just have a really hard time trying to start or maintain a newer relationship when his job situation is not solid and doesn’t feel good. Your guy is having to deal with the ending of his job – retirement. So…with that being said, I would continue to expect that he will be present with you, then not. It’s going to take some time for him to get through this “once in a lifetime” kind of phase that shifts your entire identity. Everyone responds differently, but your goal is to just continue to be a good support. Maybe get him talking about it whenever you get the chance. Keep it light, stay connected and let him know you are there, not needing to force anything, not pressuring – just being patient. That’s the best way you can support him through this. When he feels that from you, you will be someone he turns to for support. For example, he may be feeling crappy one day and then decides to reach out just to say “hi” to you so he can feel better. You may not know that is what he is doing, but that action, in and of itself, is building connection. It’s building trust and safety and creating a feeling in him that he can come to you when he needs to feel better.
Does this make sense??
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I do get up very early. I usually hop on here around 4am, because I have soooo much to do in my day. It takes me 15 to 20 minutes to get going this early, but let me tell ya, my mind works double time in the morning, so I just try to take advantage that while I can. 🙂
Thank you for sharing all of your thoughts! I completely understand everything you are saying. You do have a part of you that is confident, super fun, very wise, a fighter, intelligent and has great internal strength! I had that part of me too. What I am referring to, however, is another part of you that works against you. The part of you that carries low self-esteem. I’m speaking about the part of you that has your foot on the break while the strong part you has your foot on the gas. Again, much of what I am talking about lives in you on the subconscious level. You would not be connected to it or feel it – yet it influences you every single day. Like I said before, there are a million little symptoms that are the language of the subconscious which lets us know what we are carrying deep inside – BUT we have to understand the language of the subconscious if we are going to connect to what we are carrying deep inside. As a simple example – you are quite a catch Rhonda, yet in your profile descriptions, you spend some effort trying to “convince” a guy that you are a catch. So one part of you knows you are a catch and another part of you doesn’t. That comes out in HOW you express yourself. I know you haven’t really been taught HOW to behave. You have some strong programming in your behavior, so the part of you that was programmed is terrified to be yourself. That part of you is what influences what shows up in your life. Here is a quick example. My friend was doing a session on herself around her relationship with money. She was working deeply to connect to her beliefs about money and she all of a sudden remembered a moment with her father when she was young. She worked on healing that moment, which was when a core belief was created, and then worked on embracing a healthier version of male energy. About an hour after her session and healing work, she went out to run some errands and she had 3 different guys literally hanging their heads out their car windows (at different times) checking her out. This NEVER happens!!!! That’s how quickly things can change when you shift from deep inside. What you carry, all the low self-esteem, all the deep beliefs about yourself that live at the core (alongside the strong and positive self) act like an energetic beacon and will attract to you whatever your strongest beliefs are. So one of the most obvious signs of what you carry in your subconscious, is what is being reflected to you on the outside of your life. Your friends, your finances, your health, your career, your love life etc. So for example, when I was younger going through my 20s and 30s, I attracted A LOT of clients that were hard for me. They were emotionally draining and high maintenance – not very peaceful souls. In my early 30s, I spent a handful of years doing some seriously deep dive work on myself, cleared a lot of baggage and now, every single one of my clients is amazing. No more high maintenance, emotionally draining people. That is a reflection that I cleared up my energetic beacon. Now, I have other areas I am working on cleaning up as well – but it’s a forever process, right? Healing and growing is a lifetime process.
So…if there is an area of your life where you don’t feel satisfied, where you are not getting what you want, where you are frustrated – it’s reflecting back to you that you are carrying some deep, subconscious beliefs that are at odds…1 foot on the gas, 1 foot on the brake. And it takes some skill and time to break all of it down and really get at the core beliefs that have their foot on the brake and align it and integrate it with the part of you that your foot on the gas. Does this make sense?
Heidi
I LOVE LOVE LOVE everything you have shared. There are many, many layers here, so let’s just start with 1.
Firts, WELL DONE!!! I’m so glad you noticed that your thoughts were “He missed out on me” instead of “What’s wrong with me.” That is a HUGE HUGE step!!! You are growing and that is all that mattered!!!
I’m so glad you are not dating Dave. Stay away! Anyone who is still bitter after a decade, is someone who is not willing to truly forgive and heal. He will be no good in any kind of relationship.
I’m not sure which guy you are talking about in the last sentence, where you sent a response and he didn’t answer back.
Okay…so let’s do a little deeper dive here. Do you feel like you are fun to be around? Do you KNOW you are interesting? Do you KNOW that you are worth knowing and loving? These are not questions to answer with your mind, but instead with your heart. From everything you have shared, you have a lot of fear and programming that is the undercurrent of how you express yourself. I’m just going to be very honest here. Most of how you say things in your profile and how you ask your questions about guys, it’s leading with the energy of trying to CONVINCE someone of your worth and value. So for example, “How do I approach a man so he wants to get to know me?” You are asking for some sort of way that you can ACT and BEHAVE so he wants to get to know you vs. just KNOWING you are – therefore just being yourself is enough. Do you see the difference?? I can tell you from YEARS of experience…I mastered all of the ways to get a man’s attention and boy was I successful. BUT…that’s all I got was attention and nothing much more than that. Sure, I had a few quality relationships and yes, my self-esteem, worth and value were all connected to the attention I received. Yes, it felt good too and that’s why I kept doing it…it worked. But let’s look at the root here…I needed those other guys to give me, what I wasn’t giving myself – which was value, love, being seen, being recognized. They were my source of self-esteem. I knew it too. I didn’t realize how much they were my source until I moved to Tenessee and experienced a few years of nothingness. No flirting, hardly any dates, no one looking at me. I felt so powerless and a level of lonely I had never experienced before. I’d had dry spells before and knew that was the normal dating curve, but this was different. Even in my dry spells, I still noticed heads turning, I still new small ways to get little doses of attention. But in Tennessee, none of that worked. I felt anonymous. I felt like I could walk down the street naked and no one would notice. It was the first time in my life that I was truly left with just myself. I had to ask the question, “How do I know I am a female, unless a man let’s me know that?” I realized how much I defined even my femininity by the attention I would get. Yikes! It was painful to connect to the depth I had relied on men. Much longer story shorter….now I have finally aligned with my deeper self. I am my own source of self esteem, value and love. I do not seek nor need attention. I do not need a man to want to know me, because I KNOW I am worth knowing whether he thinks so or not. I am just myself now. I don’t do any of those special techniques I used all of the time to catch their attention. I am just myself and I get rejected all of the time! LOL. But you know what? I’m okay with that, because it’s about quality, not quantity. Each time I experience rejection, I get to practice connecting back to my own value. It strengthens me. It was A LOT of work and deep healing to get where I am today, but well worth it!!!
I’ve said a lot and I have no idea if I am getting my point across or if you understand what I am trying to reflect back to you. We obviously will keep talking this through and Kanya will have her wonderful wisdom to share as well.
In summary, you get a man to want to know you more by being someone you truly like to be around. Meaning, if I don’t like hanging out with myself, then why would anyone else? There is no technique or method out there to catch a man’s attention, that can replace the super power of self-love, self-confidence and self-respect.
Heidi
Hi Candace,
Welcome! I’m glad you are here reaching out and asking your question. You are quite intelligent to slow down, ask for advice and really think this through. Well done!
First, your need for them is very high right now, because you are not able to meet your own needs. I obviously don’t know the nature of your situation, but what I do know, is probably the most important thing for you right now, is to find a place of your own, where you feel safe, respected and are able to take care of your basic needs. Relying on other people, your gym etc. to get your needs met is creative and resourceful for sure, but that can only last for so long. How do you feel about creating a plan to get yourself into a better environment somehow? If they are feeling sick of you, I would say it may be more about your situation vs. you personally. They are carrying the burden with you. I imagine that if you went to them and said, “Okay guys. I can’t do this anymore. I need to fight for myself and create a different situation. You guys have been sooooo amazingly helpful during this time, but I can’t keep doing this to you or myself anymore. I need your help. Let’s brainstorm about all the possibilities I have and make something happen.” They will respect you for fighting for yourself. They will find new purpose with you, instead of constantly needing to rescue you.
How do you feel about that approach?
Heidi
Oh man. My heart is breaking with you. It’s such an awful feeling to have to hear something like that.
It’s time to release and heal. It’s not true that you will always love him. Love comes and goes all of the time and it changes into a lot of different forms. I love my last boyfriend still, but not the kind of romantic love I felt with him. I feel more of an appreciation kind of love for his life. You can turn off romantic love. That’s where healing comes in. You can heal the hurt of rejection, you can heal the hurt about the loss of the dream of your future you created with him. You can close the door of your heart to him, spend some time with yourself and love and future yourself like crazy and THEN….when you are ready, you can open your heart back up again to new possibilities. People go through this process all of time. That’s how people can find love again after being widowed or divorced. People lose love and find love many times over – it’s part of the life journey. I know right now it doesn’t feel like that is possible and that’s okay. Your focus right now is to start to help your heart heal from the loss. You are worth fighting for, even though he didn’t behave that way. You are worth loving, even though he isn’t choosing to love you. You are valuable in this world, even though he doesn’t want to support that by being in with a relationship with you. It’s important for you to get connected back to the truth of who you are and not let HIM define your value by his choices.
Stay connected here and empty out. It’s hugely helpful! Share your anger, your hurt, your sadness, your frustrations. Write it all out here!! We are here to help you through this and have a TON of ideas of how you can support yourself right now.
Heidi
Hi Jas,
Welcome! You are asking some really great questions, but of course the answers are far from simple. Let’s see if we can sift through some of this to help bring clarity for your next best steps.
First, when you say you were “needy” after having the abortion, what did that look like? How did you act and behave with him? What was it like going through that with him? What were his feelings about all of it? How are you currently doing about your choice? Do you still have some feelings to work through or do you feel resolved?
Second, it’s really important you pay attention to what he is saying. “I feel numb, no energy to look at the things we discussed.”; “Relationships take energy and effort, and I can’t give you what you want.” He is overwhelmed about something. His system is shutting down because he cannot handle the amount of whatever it is that he is carrying on his shoulders. He is in survival mode and when a guy in a survival mode, they are typically not available for connecting – even if they are married. For men especially, when their job is not in alignment with who they are when it’s not going “as planned,” when they are questioning their job – they tend to crumble in some way or another. If you understand that the core of a man is about his ability to produce, it makes sense. A man’s core self-esteem is truly wrapped around his ability to produce, provide, support his family/himself etc. A man NEEDS to make something in this world. Even if he were a stay at home dad, you would find him looking for “projects” around the house. For a woman, our core self-esteem is wrapped around connection – relationships. If you were to take away our ability to connect and nurture the relationships in our lives, we would crumble. So at our very natures, we operate differently. What matters most to us, is very different. Men typically need to disconnect for a bit and go into their “cave” to process what is happening for them. Us ladies love to connect and talk. We tend to process much better as we are talking and connecting. A good book to really get a deeper understanding is “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” The book is so old, but far from outdated. He really talks about the fundamental differences of how we handle our lives and ways we can support each other through it.
I want to encourage you to keep doing what you are doing. He needs to be in his “cave” and figure some things out. It sounds like there are some challenges about his job, he most likely is carrying feelings about the abortion, he is doing a “life review” kind of thing (which is pretty common when you get around age 40) where he is looking back going “Who am I and what have I created in my life?” He sounds quite uncomfortable inside of himself, which means he is not really available to care for the relationship in any real way. It also sounds like he doesn’t have a good skill set about how to handle all of it, so his best option is to just go hide. Right now, you are learning about who he truly is. You are seeing how he handles stress and what he does with it. You are experiencing that he needs to go into his cave and disconnect completely instead of facing everything head-on WITH you in his life. You are seeing his coping mechanisms.
This is who he is. He gets to live his life this way. He gets to disconnect. He gets to be all wrapped up in his life. The real question here is, can you accept all of that about him? How he is handling this situation is how he has always handled his life. We all have our very own ways to cope with our lives – most of the time not in very healthy ways. I too have a tendency to want to hide and disconnect. I (I’m also an INFP) used to do that all of the time, but I made a choice to not cause harm in that way and really worked on developing a better skillset so that I don’t sabotage relationships every time. Now, even though I still want to run, I have a stronger side of me that makes me stay and fight and face what I need to. It doesn’t sound like he is quite in that place yet though. It sounds like he needs to sift through this mess he feels inside before he make any kind of decision about his life.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh wow. I am so sorry to hear this Samantha. Your heart must be breaking.
What happened? How did it come out? What did he say about all of it?
Heidi
You can video conference, yes?
You want to think of things you can do together that are playful. You can still play card games, you can play hangman, you can go online and find 20 different questions that are unusual and funny and maybe each time you talk, you go through 3 of them. What about doing kind of a book club? You guys pick a book to read together and then discuss it when you talk. Or do the same thing with movies. You can pick an activity that is brand new that neither of you has done before, go and do it and then come back and talk about your experience of it. It could be something as simple and silly as buying a dozen roses and then finding 12 strangers to give the rose to and then come back together and talk about your experiences. Or find 10 people to give a compliment to. Or maybe you guys decide to go volunteer somewhere and then come back and share your experiences.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
I am soooo so sorry for what you are going through. Of course you feel used. How awful to have to find all of this out. How awful that he was lying this much. You gave your heart and soul into trying to make things work and investing in the relationship and he was not.
It sounds like he is quite split. Meaning, he has a part of him that loves you and deeply cares about you and another part that has a different agenda. To simplify this, an example would be….let’s say you are wanting to lose weight. You know how to eat well and exercise and that part of you is really invested in getting more healthy again and losing weight. BUT…there is another part of you that thoroughly enjoys eating pizza and chocolate and cookies and carbs galore! So you have these 2 different parts of yourself that feel very strongly and yet they oppose each other. So you end up trying to do both, in order to appease both sides of yourself. So you might eat pizza and chocolate only 2 days a week on your “cheat days” and the rest of the time you are going to be healthy. That’s what it means to be split. 2 parts of yourself, that feel very strong and very real, but they oppose each other. It’s pretty torturous actually. It’s a constant battle inside and is a symptom of a lot of unresolved feelings.
My point in saying this, is to help you understand that it’s not that he didn’t love you. A part of him did and probably still does. He just has another part that is working against him and is very strong as well. This is not about you doing anything wrong or not being enough. This is about what he carries inside. He will never be successful in a relationship as long as he continue to live with this split energy. There is nothing you could have done to change this outcome. What he carries inside of himself is intense and deep and most likely, he is completely unaware of all that is happening inside of him. He is aware of his choices and the consequences of course, but I highly doubt he is aware of what is actually happening and what is driving him to make these kinds of choices.
It is sooooo awful to be on the receiving end of this though. It’s completely confusing as he is saying 1 thing and doing another, so how do you know what to believe? You actually believe both. You believe that he did feel love for you and you believe that he also has another part that is sabotaging it.
I’m curious…how did you find all of this out? Did he finally confess or did you end up finding out through other people? And where do you guys stand currently? Are you talking at all? What’s the current status in your mind, as to what you want to do? I know that’s a hard questions being that you were just blind-sided by all this newfound information.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I just want to comment on a belief that sooooo many people have, but is actually not true. I hear people say all the time, “I don’t feel…..so I don’t need to do healing work. I feel resolved.” Just because you don’t feel something, does not mean it’s not there. What I had to learn years ago, was to pay attention to the details of my behaviors, patterns, choices and thoughts. Those are the things that were going to tell me what was really happening deep in my subconscious – far beyond any feelings I was having or not having. This was very difficult for me at first, because I didn’t really “feel” much. At the time, I felt like I had a pretty good life, but I also knew I had some numbness and behaviors that didn’t make sense to me. Once I started doing the deep dive work, everything began to surface and I started noticing all the tiny little messages my subconscious was giving me all along, but I just didn’t know the language. Learning the language of the subconscious is quite a difficult skill, but one worth mastering. It has allowed me to see all kinds of signs and symptoms of other people and what they are carrying deep inside of themselves too. It’s extremely helpful for dating!!! I know what I’m walking into. I’d have to say, I have rarely been fooled in my life because of this skill. I may be shocked by someone’s behavior from time to time, but I usually am not surprised by their choice as I saw the potential in them.
Just as a reflection back to you and time we have spent together here, I would absolutely say there are some deep-seeded feelings of bitterness and anger and negativity with many other feelings that you are carrying around (buried in the subconscious that you are not connected to). You have done an INCREDIBLE job in your life, despite what you carry inside. It’s a lot of work though, isn’t it? Once you deep dive and heal those parts, life becomes soooooo much more effortless and easy, because the undercurrent of your life is more filled with love than anger. Does this make sense?
I love that you are feeling more sassy and want to be more playful! You mentioned that you want to learn more social skills. What skills are you talking about? What specifically are you wanting to learn??
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
It’s a really good question you ask as to whether or not you are actually working through the feelings and doing a good job with them or just burying them. There is a fine line and one that is not easily identifiable without a lot of education and understanding about yourself. You are the only one who can truly know what you are doing. My guess is, it’s a lot of both. From what you have told us, you have grown soooo much! And at the same time, you still notice areas in your thinking and behaviors that cause you challenge. This is normal for everyone though. That’s why growing is a forever thing, right? The goal is to always clear as much baggage as possible when we can – and there-in lies the gifts of our triggers. Our triggers are the symptoms of our baggage. There are MANY layers to deal with when it comes to our baggage. How deep you go determines whether it comes back or not. The coach I work with is a SUPER DEEP DIVER. She has the ability to get at the very core root causes of things and help heal from that place. It’s hard work. It’s extremely uncomfortable and it’s not for everyone – but it is for someone who is ready and willing to do what it takes to release the patterns that are no longer serving them. She charges $200/hour – I keep telling her she needs to raise her rates. I’ve worked with so many different coaches and therapists and she has been able to clear stuff in a few sessions that months of work with other people couldn’t get to. So $200 per session is worth it to me considering the results I get from it. If this interests you, I can get you her info. Just let me know. Her first session she charges $200 for 2 hours. She will spend some time with you and help you clear a target – no matter how intense – so you can feel how she works and then you go from there. She is a pay as you go kind of person. She doesn’t do packages and all that jazz.
I don’t know if you are numb, actually. I’m just reflecting back to you what you have said about yourself. I can understand why a part of you would be numb and it would make sense, considering everything you have been through and the kind of mother you had. There is most likely a barrier of some sort around your heart.
I love that you guys walk the levee. I know it’s about to get real hot soon and it’s going to be tough to be outside. I lived in Florida for a few years and trained a few soccer teams. So many times, I wondered how the heck my girls could stand it to be in that heat and running their hearts out! lol. They were high schoolers though – so much more resilient.
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
It’s heartbreaking having to watch your guy walk away. I’m wondering where this fear of him leaving you is coming from. It sounds like you kept needing his assurances, which to me, tells me that fear has probably been with you for a very long time. Can you think back to a time where it might have started? Did your dad leave? When you were young, did someone close to you die or go off to war or something of that nature?
It’s a lot of pressure to put onto a guy to keep asking him if he is going to leave. It’s basically saying to him, “You are responsible for my happiness and me feeling peaceful in this relationship.” It’s not his job to re-assure you of anything. His job is to make sure he keeps himself happy and being the best of person / boyfriend he can be – and your job is the same. It sounds like he is confused about who he is right now and he needs to go figure that out. When Kanya said that he probably got spooked because things were going well – I’m inclined to agree. I know it sounds contradictory, but it happens all the time. Because things are going so well, it can trigger low self-esteem thoughts and feelings like “I don’t deserve this” “I don’t trust this” “She deserves someone way better than me” “I can’t keep this up. She’ll find out I’m really not that great” I’m wondering if he has awareness around any of these thoughts. It doesn’t really matter though – something in him was uncomfortable enough to need some space and he needs to honor that.
Here is a way that you can word it: “Listen. I need to take some space for myself. I still love you very deeply and want to be with you, but I also want and need to honor your choice and what you need right now. That means I need some space to let myself heal and get my head on right. It hurts a lot each time we talk. I do want to be your friend and keep you in my life, but I can’t do that while still being in love with you. I need to get used to this new way of being and thinking that we are not together anymore. The best way to do that for me is to just disconnect completely for a while and get my bearings. Does this make sense?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Iyoni!
Thank you for sharing more details. This is great information!
Your best friend my have the good intentions for you and is caring for your happiness, but it’s also not a caring nor respectful thing to push her vision of what “happy” is onto you. My guess is, you are spot on. She is wanting you to join her path. I’m glad to hear you standing strong though. Stay that way! Her path is not yours and it’s important you set some boundaries around that. Saying something like, “You know what would be really helpful? If you accepted that this is my path and stop trying to pull me over to yours. I love that you are happy. I love that you are having the experiences that you want. I completely accept and embrace my path too. Are you willing to support that with me?”
It’s important to use your voice and communicate to those around you, how they can truly help you. How else are they going to know how to be effective for you, unless you teach them?I’m glad you are recognizing that the boredom is coming from this quarantine. It’s such a strange time in the world. What can you do about it? Maybe you guys can pull out some board games or card games or a puzzle. You can find some new and yummy recipes to cook together. Find some projects you can do together. What are you doing to spice things up a bit??? Use that boredom to inspire creativity.
As far as couples never arguing, yes – I have heard that before. It’s not common though and it’s a HUGE RED FLAG. Arguing is important. It deepens the relationship. If couples are not arguing, then they are not being authentic about their feelings. Most likely, they are the kind of people who never confront, because they are afraid of the consequences. So you are spot on. It’s unhealthy not to argue.
Heidi
Hi Jody,
Unrequited love is so hard to deal with isn’t it? I’ve had that a few times in my life and it’s no fun. What I’m wondering, is why you think it’s selfish to do what you gotta do to help yourself heal? I mean, yes, it would mean you saying no to yourself and yes to your healing, but wouldn’t you say that is a healthy thing? Being selfish is not always a bad thing. It’s actually a very important thing, because reality is, you are the one responsible for taking care of your heart and it’s important for you to do what is needed to keep it well nourished, feeling safe and secure in your hands. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to step back and allow yourself some time to heal before returning fully and completely as his friend. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Jody,
I’m a little confused. I’m not sure what your definition of emotional intimacy is and what you have read about it, so I’ll just go from what my perspective and how it relates to relationships.
Emotional intimacy is basically vulnerability. It’s having exchanges of all the emotions – from the surface to the deep – and creating a safe space for that to happen. Emotional intimacy exists everywhere! It’s between best friends, romantic couples, family members. Any relationship out there can have emotional intimacy and it’s not just reserved for marriage. In fact, you shouldn’t be getting married if you can’t be emotionally intimate with your person. It’s how you get to know someone – truly and authentically. If my guy hurts my feelings, I am being emotionally intimate by sharing my thoughts and feelings about how his choice hurt me. If my guy is having a hard day, he is being emotionally intimate by sharing his TRUE thoughts and feelings about his day. Emotional intimacy is reserved for relationships that have the safety to be who you really are. Trust is involved as well. It’s a deeper kind of relationship. A best friend is a best friends because you can tell them things that you wouldn’t tell anyone else – that is emotional intimacy. It’s a closeness with someone else through emotions. There are levels of emotional intimacy of course. It all depends on how deep each person can go – and that varies from person to person – which determines the level of emotional intimacy that exists in the relationship. Does this make sense?
No is ever stuck in any kind of relationship. Emotional intimacy or not, there is nothing that says a person cannot break that. The divorce rate is over 50% these days. The majority of those couples were emotionally intimate with each other, but it didn’t work out. So I’m not sure what you are reading that would suggest that someone isn’t “allowed” to get out of a relationship that is emotionally intimate. People do it all the time. Best friends break up, family members separate, couples break up all the time. Deeper connections that require emotional intimacy end all the time.
And no, you DO NOT accept the other person at the expense of yourself. By this I mean that if you have boundaries, core values or other parts of your being that are not being cared for or respected by the other person, then it would be a relationship to walk away from. The standard I like to use is…am I loving myself well, by staying in this relationship? Now, with that being said, everyone has a lot of feelings about everything. We all grow up with different perspectives and experiences, so it is to be expected to hit sever “speed bumps” in a relationship. That’s normal and can be worked through. But when there is purposeful mistreatment, a lack of respect, actions that dishonor the other person – those are reasons and causes for NOT accepting someone else “no matter what.”
Did I answer your question? Thoughts?
Heidi
