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Oh wow. I am so sorry to hear this Samantha. Your heart must be breaking.
What happened? How did it come out? What did he say about all of it?
Heidi
You can video conference, yes?
You want to think of things you can do together that are playful. You can still play card games, you can play hangman, you can go online and find 20 different questions that are unusual and funny and maybe each time you talk, you go through 3 of them. What about doing kind of a book club? You guys pick a book to read together and then discuss it when you talk. Or do the same thing with movies. You can pick an activity that is brand new that neither of you has done before, go and do it and then come back and talk about your experience of it. It could be something as simple and silly as buying a dozen roses and then finding 12 strangers to give the rose to and then come back together and talk about your experiences. Or find 10 people to give a compliment to. Or maybe you guys decide to go volunteer somewhere and then come back and share your experiences.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
I am soooo so sorry for what you are going through. Of course you feel used. How awful to have to find all of this out. How awful that he was lying this much. You gave your heart and soul into trying to make things work and investing in the relationship and he was not.
It sounds like he is quite split. Meaning, he has a part of him that loves you and deeply cares about you and another part that has a different agenda. To simplify this, an example would be….let’s say you are wanting to lose weight. You know how to eat well and exercise and that part of you is really invested in getting more healthy again and losing weight. BUT…there is another part of you that thoroughly enjoys eating pizza and chocolate and cookies and carbs galore! So you have these 2 different parts of yourself that feel very strongly and yet they oppose each other. So you end up trying to do both, in order to appease both sides of yourself. So you might eat pizza and chocolate only 2 days a week on your “cheat days” and the rest of the time you are going to be healthy. That’s what it means to be split. 2 parts of yourself, that feel very strong and very real, but they oppose each other. It’s pretty torturous actually. It’s a constant battle inside and is a symptom of a lot of unresolved feelings.
My point in saying this, is to help you understand that it’s not that he didn’t love you. A part of him did and probably still does. He just has another part that is working against him and is very strong as well. This is not about you doing anything wrong or not being enough. This is about what he carries inside. He will never be successful in a relationship as long as he continue to live with this split energy. There is nothing you could have done to change this outcome. What he carries inside of himself is intense and deep and most likely, he is completely unaware of all that is happening inside of him. He is aware of his choices and the consequences of course, but I highly doubt he is aware of what is actually happening and what is driving him to make these kinds of choices.
It is sooooo awful to be on the receiving end of this though. It’s completely confusing as he is saying 1 thing and doing another, so how do you know what to believe? You actually believe both. You believe that he did feel love for you and you believe that he also has another part that is sabotaging it.
I’m curious…how did you find all of this out? Did he finally confess or did you end up finding out through other people? And where do you guys stand currently? Are you talking at all? What’s the current status in your mind, as to what you want to do? I know that’s a hard questions being that you were just blind-sided by all this newfound information.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I just want to comment on a belief that sooooo many people have, but is actually not true. I hear people say all the time, “I don’t feel…..so I don’t need to do healing work. I feel resolved.” Just because you don’t feel something, does not mean it’s not there. What I had to learn years ago, was to pay attention to the details of my behaviors, patterns, choices and thoughts. Those are the things that were going to tell me what was really happening deep in my subconscious – far beyond any feelings I was having or not having. This was very difficult for me at first, because I didn’t really “feel” much. At the time, I felt like I had a pretty good life, but I also knew I had some numbness and behaviors that didn’t make sense to me. Once I started doing the deep dive work, everything began to surface and I started noticing all the tiny little messages my subconscious was giving me all along, but I just didn’t know the language. Learning the language of the subconscious is quite a difficult skill, but one worth mastering. It has allowed me to see all kinds of signs and symptoms of other people and what they are carrying deep inside of themselves too. It’s extremely helpful for dating!!! I know what I’m walking into. I’d have to say, I have rarely been fooled in my life because of this skill. I may be shocked by someone’s behavior from time to time, but I usually am not surprised by their choice as I saw the potential in them.
Just as a reflection back to you and time we have spent together here, I would absolutely say there are some deep-seeded feelings of bitterness and anger and negativity with many other feelings that you are carrying around (buried in the subconscious that you are not connected to). You have done an INCREDIBLE job in your life, despite what you carry inside. It’s a lot of work though, isn’t it? Once you deep dive and heal those parts, life becomes soooooo much more effortless and easy, because the undercurrent of your life is more filled with love than anger. Does this make sense?
I love that you are feeling more sassy and want to be more playful! You mentioned that you want to learn more social skills. What skills are you talking about? What specifically are you wanting to learn??
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
It’s a really good question you ask as to whether or not you are actually working through the feelings and doing a good job with them or just burying them. There is a fine line and one that is not easily identifiable without a lot of education and understanding about yourself. You are the only one who can truly know what you are doing. My guess is, it’s a lot of both. From what you have told us, you have grown soooo much! And at the same time, you still notice areas in your thinking and behaviors that cause you challenge. This is normal for everyone though. That’s why growing is a forever thing, right? The goal is to always clear as much baggage as possible when we can – and there-in lies the gifts of our triggers. Our triggers are the symptoms of our baggage. There are MANY layers to deal with when it comes to our baggage. How deep you go determines whether it comes back or not. The coach I work with is a SUPER DEEP DIVER. She has the ability to get at the very core root causes of things and help heal from that place. It’s hard work. It’s extremely uncomfortable and it’s not for everyone – but it is for someone who is ready and willing to do what it takes to release the patterns that are no longer serving them. She charges $200/hour – I keep telling her she needs to raise her rates. I’ve worked with so many different coaches and therapists and she has been able to clear stuff in a few sessions that months of work with other people couldn’t get to. So $200 per session is worth it to me considering the results I get from it. If this interests you, I can get you her info. Just let me know. Her first session she charges $200 for 2 hours. She will spend some time with you and help you clear a target – no matter how intense – so you can feel how she works and then you go from there. She is a pay as you go kind of person. She doesn’t do packages and all that jazz.
I don’t know if you are numb, actually. I’m just reflecting back to you what you have said about yourself. I can understand why a part of you would be numb and it would make sense, considering everything you have been through and the kind of mother you had. There is most likely a barrier of some sort around your heart.
I love that you guys walk the levee. I know it’s about to get real hot soon and it’s going to be tough to be outside. I lived in Florida for a few years and trained a few soccer teams. So many times, I wondered how the heck my girls could stand it to be in that heat and running their hearts out! lol. They were high schoolers though – so much more resilient.
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
It’s heartbreaking having to watch your guy walk away. I’m wondering where this fear of him leaving you is coming from. It sounds like you kept needing his assurances, which to me, tells me that fear has probably been with you for a very long time. Can you think back to a time where it might have started? Did your dad leave? When you were young, did someone close to you die or go off to war or something of that nature?
It’s a lot of pressure to put onto a guy to keep asking him if he is going to leave. It’s basically saying to him, “You are responsible for my happiness and me feeling peaceful in this relationship.” It’s not his job to re-assure you of anything. His job is to make sure he keeps himself happy and being the best of person / boyfriend he can be – and your job is the same. It sounds like he is confused about who he is right now and he needs to go figure that out. When Kanya said that he probably got spooked because things were going well – I’m inclined to agree. I know it sounds contradictory, but it happens all the time. Because things are going so well, it can trigger low self-esteem thoughts and feelings like “I don’t deserve this” “I don’t trust this” “She deserves someone way better than me” “I can’t keep this up. She’ll find out I’m really not that great” I’m wondering if he has awareness around any of these thoughts. It doesn’t really matter though – something in him was uncomfortable enough to need some space and he needs to honor that.
Here is a way that you can word it: “Listen. I need to take some space for myself. I still love you very deeply and want to be with you, but I also want and need to honor your choice and what you need right now. That means I need some space to let myself heal and get my head on right. It hurts a lot each time we talk. I do want to be your friend and keep you in my life, but I can’t do that while still being in love with you. I need to get used to this new way of being and thinking that we are not together anymore. The best way to do that for me is to just disconnect completely for a while and get my bearings. Does this make sense?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Iyoni!
Thank you for sharing more details. This is great information!
Your best friend my have the good intentions for you and is caring for your happiness, but it’s also not a caring nor respectful thing to push her vision of what “happy” is onto you. My guess is, you are spot on. She is wanting you to join her path. I’m glad to hear you standing strong though. Stay that way! Her path is not yours and it’s important you set some boundaries around that. Saying something like, “You know what would be really helpful? If you accepted that this is my path and stop trying to pull me over to yours. I love that you are happy. I love that you are having the experiences that you want. I completely accept and embrace my path too. Are you willing to support that with me?”
It’s important to use your voice and communicate to those around you, how they can truly help you. How else are they going to know how to be effective for you, unless you teach them?I’m glad you are recognizing that the boredom is coming from this quarantine. It’s such a strange time in the world. What can you do about it? Maybe you guys can pull out some board games or card games or a puzzle. You can find some new and yummy recipes to cook together. Find some projects you can do together. What are you doing to spice things up a bit??? Use that boredom to inspire creativity.
As far as couples never arguing, yes – I have heard that before. It’s not common though and it’s a HUGE RED FLAG. Arguing is important. It deepens the relationship. If couples are not arguing, then they are not being authentic about their feelings. Most likely, they are the kind of people who never confront, because they are afraid of the consequences. So you are spot on. It’s unhealthy not to argue.
Heidi
Hi Jody,
Unrequited love is so hard to deal with isn’t it? I’ve had that a few times in my life and it’s no fun. What I’m wondering, is why you think it’s selfish to do what you gotta do to help yourself heal? I mean, yes, it would mean you saying no to yourself and yes to your healing, but wouldn’t you say that is a healthy thing? Being selfish is not always a bad thing. It’s actually a very important thing, because reality is, you are the one responsible for taking care of your heart and it’s important for you to do what is needed to keep it well nourished, feeling safe and secure in your hands. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to step back and allow yourself some time to heal before returning fully and completely as his friend. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Jody,
I’m a little confused. I’m not sure what your definition of emotional intimacy is and what you have read about it, so I’ll just go from what my perspective and how it relates to relationships.
Emotional intimacy is basically vulnerability. It’s having exchanges of all the emotions – from the surface to the deep – and creating a safe space for that to happen. Emotional intimacy exists everywhere! It’s between best friends, romantic couples, family members. Any relationship out there can have emotional intimacy and it’s not just reserved for marriage. In fact, you shouldn’t be getting married if you can’t be emotionally intimate with your person. It’s how you get to know someone – truly and authentically. If my guy hurts my feelings, I am being emotionally intimate by sharing my thoughts and feelings about how his choice hurt me. If my guy is having a hard day, he is being emotionally intimate by sharing his TRUE thoughts and feelings about his day. Emotional intimacy is reserved for relationships that have the safety to be who you really are. Trust is involved as well. It’s a deeper kind of relationship. A best friend is a best friends because you can tell them things that you wouldn’t tell anyone else – that is emotional intimacy. It’s a closeness with someone else through emotions. There are levels of emotional intimacy of course. It all depends on how deep each person can go – and that varies from person to person – which determines the level of emotional intimacy that exists in the relationship. Does this make sense?
No is ever stuck in any kind of relationship. Emotional intimacy or not, there is nothing that says a person cannot break that. The divorce rate is over 50% these days. The majority of those couples were emotionally intimate with each other, but it didn’t work out. So I’m not sure what you are reading that would suggest that someone isn’t “allowed” to get out of a relationship that is emotionally intimate. People do it all the time. Best friends break up, family members separate, couples break up all the time. Deeper connections that require emotional intimacy end all the time.
And no, you DO NOT accept the other person at the expense of yourself. By this I mean that if you have boundaries, core values or other parts of your being that are not being cared for or respected by the other person, then it would be a relationship to walk away from. The standard I like to use is…am I loving myself well, by staying in this relationship? Now, with that being said, everyone has a lot of feelings about everything. We all grow up with different perspectives and experiences, so it is to be expected to hit sever “speed bumps” in a relationship. That’s normal and can be worked through. But when there is purposeful mistreatment, a lack of respect, actions that dishonor the other person – those are reasons and causes for NOT accepting someone else “no matter what.”
Did I answer your question? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
I am so sorry you are going through this! I just have a few questions. How old are both of you? Did he lose his job at all or have some kind of other stress in his life happen? It’s quite strange to go from 1 extreme to the other without something having happened. Would you mind sharing more detail?
I’m not sure what your question is exactly. I know being that you love him, you may be wanting advice on how to get him back. It sounds like the conversation went really well. Did he seem like he missed you at all? Does he seem to still have feelings for you at all?
I understand not being able to be friends. It’s actually not possible to be friends with someone you still have feelings for. I always recommend for people to completely separate for a while, to allow for true healing. When you are able to imagine running into him and being okay and peaceful or knowing he is with another girl and it doesn’t bother you, THEN you can be friends. Otherwise, trying to stay in contact with someone you still have feelings for, is messy. You will experience rejection every time you talk, you will have all kinds of hurt feelings happen, so it’s kind of like a slow torture – which is not very loving or kind to put yourself or him in that kind of situation.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Wow! What an early mother’s day present! That IS a huge compliment and one that is so special. You have worked so hard and overcome so much in your life to be the best kind of mom you could be. I love that he said that!
As far as the girl that went missing, I get why she or anyone would want to run and forget memories. The thing is, you can forget the memory all you want, but your nervous system won’t forget. All the feelings of memories are stored in your body. So if you TRULY want to forget anything, you have to face the memory and all the feelings that came with it – and heal. It’s totally do-able. I’ve done it many, many times and I gotta tell ya – it is such a HUGE relief to heal the deep fears, anger, hurt, resentment etc. It feels like a 1,000 lbs. being lifted off. It always feels like I can take this deep breath that I wasn’t taking before. The journey to get there isn’t so much fun, but knowing where it takes me, makes it all worth it. The numbness you feel is just a sign of you trying to protect yourself from feeling all that gunk inside. Maybe someday you can find someone who specializes in helping you slowly take that all apart and release it. If ever you want to take that journey, my Coach is BRILLIANT at that. Her methods work super fast too! And the guys are definitely gonna pick up on the numbness on a subconscious level. Some may feel it consciously, but would have no clue how to define what they are feeling. They may just feel something is “off” but don’t know what.
As far as standing up for yourself, give yourself more credit. Running IS standing up for yourself. You are not putting up with being treated badly, so you run. That IS fighting for yourself. There is NO point in staying and confronting someone who is abusive or treating you poorly. They don’t have the consciousness or ability to take anything you would have to say and care about it. So running is the smartest thing you could do to take care of yourself. You getting fired was an unfortunate result, but maybe it was a good thing. If they didn’t care about how they were affecting you, then it’s a good thing to not work for them anyways. Sometimes the result for standing up for yourself, no matter how good you communicate it, is not what you want, but most of the time is exactly what you need. Using your voice when boundaries are being crossed is ESSENTIAL to a healthy relationship as well. Maybe this is an area you can begin to focus on for yourself.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I will definitely be praying with you that you Worley gets the contract in NB and you get to go. Your soul would get fed soooo much more there!!! I feel your pain! I can’t imagine being somewhere without having access to all the activities that source my happiness. This pandemic thing has caused another level of challenge for everyone. I’m sorry you are stuck. Your path is figuring out how to turn that coal into a diamond and I have complete faith you will keep working on that and getting creative.
It sounds like you have a few things stirring. It’s good for entertainment, right?
I’m curious. You said “That is one set of skills I definitely lack – how to stand up for myself without getting beat up more. Usually when I stand up for myself I pay for it big time.” Do you still believe this is true or were you saying is used to be true in your past, but not true anymore?
Heidi
Hi Renee,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge with us.
I know how hard not feeling safe in the relationship can be to deal with. Your lack of trust is in would make you feel not safe and that’s all you are really wanting.
The thing is, it sounds like you are still carrying around baggage from your past and you are making him pay the price for it – when it’s really your issue. If you want him back, this aspect needs to change. Basically, it’s time for you to let go of what happened in the past. It’s time for you to embrace the hurt, work with it and then say goodbye and truly heal. If you don’t take that path, in whatever way works best for you, then ANY relationship you are in will end up the same exact way as this one. It’s not anyone else’s job to make you feel safe and secure – it’s YOUR job.
So if you want him back, it’s time for you to take some ACTION to heal whatever happened before. Are you willing and able to work with a coach or therapist? Are you willing to read some books and do some exercises with the hurt you are carrying around inside??
If yes, you can say something like, “Listen. I am so sorry for how I made you feel. It’s not your fault that I have a lack of trust. It’s not your fault that I don’t trust you. I haven’t let go of what happened to me before and it leaked out onto you – and that isn’t fair. I don’t want to be like that anymore. It sucks for me and it’s not fair to you. You have been wonderful and so patient with me and I respect you for putting your foot down and no longer accepting how I treated you. It has inspired me to truly change. I’ve decided to work on it on a deeper level. I am going to read…..or I am going to see a therapist about this. I still think it’s a good idea for me to move out, but maybe you would be willing to still date? I obviously have things to work out and it’s probably best to have some space to do that, but I would still like to see you, if you are willing.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jody,
I like the perspective you are choosing to take. I do want to give you a heads up though – just as life advice in general. It’s not at all meant to change your mind about how you want to handle this, as I think what you are choosing is a really good choice! The general “life advice” I’d like to share with you is that 1+1 does not always =2. Meaning, you always want to be very careful of your expectations. Your brother’s advice is actually a bit skewed in that just because you are there for him to help him pick up the mess, does not mean, nor guarantee that he will remember it. Even if he does remember you being there, it doesn’t mean he will appreciate you for it either. When someone is messy inside, they are trying to work out that mess by stepping into situations that trigger that mess, in hopes it will somehow resolve itself. We all do this unknowingly of course. 80% of our thoughts and decisions are being driven by our subconscious. So, that lack of awareness means your friend doesn’t have the capacity to truly be in relationship with himself and have awareness around his issues – which then means he doesn’t have the capacity to be truly aware of you and what you do for him – or anyone for that matter. So if you are hoping that your choice to be around if the mess shows up will bring you bonus points, you “might” be greatly hurt. Who knows. What’s important most of all, is that you make this choice to support him because it’s the kind of person you want to be in life – it’s the kind of friend you want to be – no matter how someone shows up and not because you are doing it in hopes to get something out of it from the other person. This is one of my favorite quotes: “Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love and send it out to the world. How others respond is their path, how I respond is mine.” W. Dyer
Just something to think about.
Heidi
Melissa! Haha! You crack me up with how you ended your post. It’s quite simple actually. I have always found though, that simplicity can only exist after circling around all the very complicated layers first. It all lays in these statements you said below.
“Here I hear–focus on the positive, show him how you appreciate him for what he does right and he’ll do more of that, and focus on making myself happy and owning that. Correct? If I’m going to stay with him then I need to do these things. But then I also hear from elsewhere–have standards. Communicate your standards.”
A standard is something you are willing to fight for – even if it means you break up. A standard is non-negotiable. A standard is a requirement and anything less is unacceptable. The real truth here is, you don’t have standards because you are constantly negotiating them away, so you can stay together. Yes, the other advice you are getting is important and yes, it’s important to communicate those standards, but what’s the point if the standard you are trying to fight for never gets met? You can only communicate it so many times before it becomes a moot point. Your standards and how you want to be treated and function in a relationship is not possible with the man you chose. So….you have a values conflict here. One value is you want to feel a certain way with him, but he does not have the capacity or ability to be what you want. The other value is, you love him deeply and don’t want to break up. You just keep choosing to fight for the 2nd value. That’s why we keep giving you the advice we do. If you aren’t willing to break up, then all that is left is to work on accepting who he is, change your story about what is happening and work on your need to control.
The problem with the latter is that it is soooooo much work. Like the analogy I gave you before, you have a FULL cup of tea. Every time he does something to trigger you (which happens a lot), that tea starts to spill out of the cup instantly and it’s so much work to manage the mess you feel inside and then, of course, it leaks out onto him because you are wanting HIM to help you clean it up since he was the person triggering you. If your cup were empty, when you get triggered, it’s much more manageable and easy to deal with. It’s exhausting doing what you are doing. The advice we are giving you, which is more about managing the situation and your emotions, is just a bandaid. It doesn’t actually heal anything or inspires permanent changes from the core root causes of the problems you guys are having.
Basically, your cup of tea is full and constantly overflowing with triggers because of what you carry inside of YOU. He just happens to trigger you. That’s why we’ve been recommending therapy for a while now, so you can actually get what you want. You want to be fought for. You want to be thought about. You want to feel valuable and important in his life. The thing is, you cannot heal what you are not willing to feel. You keep wanting him to fix himself so you can feel happy in the relationship, but that doesn’t work because you don’t feel happy in the relationship because of whatever baggage you carry deep inside. You need to feel what is inside of YOU and stop relying on him to fix things by behaving better. He is doing the same exact thing though. You both are in this constant cycle of arguing about the same exact things because neither of your internal environments is changing.
I’m glad you finally have given in and chosen therapy. NOW you are stepping into the possibility of real change here. You can’t solve a problem at the level of consciousness it was created. You can now raise your consciousness and start to heal what is inside of you which means now you have a real chance at creating a very different world on the outside.
Good job! You are being very courageous and fighting for yourself. Wherever this path takes you, doesn’t matter – as long as you are on it!!!
Heidi
