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Hi Angela! Let’s see if we can sift through this a bit and help bring more clarity.
In terms of the girl he is talking to, do not give her or her presence power.
I HAVE NOOOOO IDEA HOW TO DO THIS! I DONT KNOW WHAT I SAY OR DO EVEN ILLICITS THIS? WHAT ARE THE EXAMPLES OF THIS? OF DOING IT AND NOT DOING IT? The most powerful way to do this is to connect to yourself – through self-love. Basically, you are giving her all kinds of power in your mind that she is better than you somehow and it brings up your insecurities which then causes you to respond to him in ways that show him you are not supportive of his path. Truth is, she is just different than you. Not better, not worse. She cannot replace you – she is just making him feel different than how you make him feel. Knowing you are valuable, worth fighting for, worth knowing and worth loving – whether or not he chooses you or fights for you – is the ultimate goal. When you view yourself that way, you are keeping your power – keeping your value – in yourself, instead of handing your power and value over to your guy and letting him determine what you are worth through his actions and choices. Does this make sense? So what Kanya is saying, is to stop acknowledging her and comparing and being threatened by her. Every time he brings her up, keep the focus and attention and on you. Redirect the conversation by saying something like “I hear that she is nice and that must feel good for you, since I haven’t been so nice. I get that now. I am really learning a lot about myself and the kind of girlfriend I have been….”When he says she is nice, you can respond with something like “I know that things haven’t been great for awhile. Without realizing it I think I stopped enjoying our time together and wasn’t always nice in the way that you deserve. I can see that was a mistake on my part and I’m so sorry I didn’t treat you better. Just so you know, I am committed to making changes so that you know how much you mean to Me.”
HIS IMMEDIATE REPLY WAS DONT DO IT FOR ME – DO IT FOR YOURSELF – WHAT DO I SAY TO THIS? You agree! He is right. Permanent, true and authentic changes happen when your motivation is to change because you want to be a different person. He wants you to WANT to be a different person. If he believes he is the motivation for change, he knows it won’t last – and he is correct. The changes people make for other people don’t last, until those changes actually become part of the person. So keep communicating that the loss of him is helping you learn a lot of new things about yourself. As hard as it is, you are seeing where you have been limited and that is not the kind of person you want to be with him, or anyone for that matter. Then tell him the kind of person you would like to be in the world. What is your vision of yourself? What kind of girlfriend would you like to be?? Have you ever thought about this?You don’t need to get a response or conclusion in the moment. The Relationship Rewrite talks about this process taking time and patience.
TIME, YES.
PATIENCE IM NOT SO GOOD AT LOL
HE DID SAY I CANT DO THIS RIGHT NOW RE: WORKING THINGS OUT – AND HIS REASON IS BC HES TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE – AND ITS NOT RESPECTFUL OR FAIR THAT PERSON
LIKE OMG OMG OMG WHAT THE DO I SAY TO THAT????!!??!??? Again, he is right. It isn’t respectful and he is just holding a boundary and being the kind of person that makes him feel in his integrity. So you say that and acknowledge it. You can say, “Wow…I love the integrity you have. I have a lot of respect for that actually, even though it breaks my heart into pieces. I really want to be better at respecting and honoring your choices and trusting your path, even though it causes my heart to hurt. So I will respect your choice and continue to grow and work on myself. I have a lot of things to work out and again, losing you has truly made me realize this and I will forever be grateful.”Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi HT,
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s pretty awful being ghosted like that and just completely ignored. Whether or not he is getting back together with his ex, he was emotionally unavailable since the very beginning. Those kinds of guys are VERY difficult to be in a relationship with. You are constantly left wondering about how they are feeling about you, about their life, about their day. And just as you experienced, they will have occasional days where they unleash everything they have been holding inside and the person on the receiving end just gets bombarded and mostly feels shock. He is not the kind of guy who can sustain a healthy relationship. He is quite fragile and young in emotional maturity. Now you know some of the signs to look out for as you continue to date!
As far as responding, it’s important you acknowledge what he said, not for him, but for you. This is not about owing him anything. It’s about creating closure. When you don’t respond, it leaves this energy out there of “unfinished business.” He will keep wondering if you got his text and you will keep thinking about him because you haven’t officially acknowledged the ending. There is something very powerful about creating closure with words. It helps completely close the door on your heart, in his mind and then you move forward. You don’t need to say much. Keep it simple and say something like, “I got your text. I think it’s a good choice. I’ve really seen how you and I approach life differently. I wish you the best as you navigate all that you are going through. Take care.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
What a wonderful connection you made for yourself! I have had so many of those moments in my life as I was growing up and starting to understand my patterns and where they came from. It takes GREAT strength to see the truth and give it life and not ignore it or bury it. Now that you have a deeper understanding of your patterns, you can start to work on forgiveness and releasing the lies that have held you captive all these years!!! I truly am really excited for you! You just up-leveled your ability to have healthier experiences.
Your non-negotiable list looks great! It’s a good starting place. Now, under each of those qualities, I want you to get specific and detailed about what each quality means to YOU. So to you, what does it mean or look like to be courageous and have high integrity? What does it mean to be an effective communicator? How do you know someone is an effective communicator? Write out your definitions for each of your items. And make sure you don’t combine each quality. Make each quality it’s very own category. So don’t come active and loves nature. Those are 2 very different things. Give each quality a special place. And keep in mind, this is not a wish list. This is a non negotiable list. So as you write out the description of each quality, really ask yourself if this is a non-negotiable quality or is it something you would like to have, but could be okay if it wasn’t part of the equation.
Then come back and share what you have learned about yourself. And I’m also curious about what 2 qualities you DO NOT yet possess.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Let me explain a little further. Your friend’s advice was not to “chase” after him so to speak. My advice to talk directly about it could seem like that, but it’s all about the intention and energy behind the conversation. It would be chasing after him if you were trying to get him to be different by asking him to be more connective for you. The way I am suggesting to approach it is to have the intention just to learn about him – that’s all. You are not asking him to be different, you are not wanting to get anything from him – you are just wanting to learn about him – you are just being curious about a behavior you are noticing. That’s not chasing. When you approach a subject in that manner, most of the time, if done well, it will maintain the openness, he will not feel like he is not being enough and he will naturally want to talk about it because it feels really good to have someone WANT to know about you. And many times, it’s a great way to bring awareness to the guy and he will NATURALLY feel inspired to want to shift the behavior all on his own, without you requesting it. Men are VERY driven to have a happy woman on their arms. He may ask if his lack of connectionless bothers you in some way and it’s a good time to be honest about it BUT make sure you own it as your own insecurity. You can say something like, “Sure it’s difficult sometimes. I’m a woman and we LOVE to connect, especially during times of stress. And I just miss you. I really have enjoyed getting to know you and being around you and it all just changed overnight. It also bring up some of my insecurities from the past, so it is an opportunity for me to work on myself.”
Does this make a little more sense about how to approach this if you decide to talk about it?
Heidi
Hi Sara,
Let me clarify a bit more. The hero instinct is always useable, but what I meant is you have to actually know someone well enough to know what you could ask for help with. Being that you have never met him and it’s been such a short amount of time that you have talked, my guess is, you know very little about him to be able to ask for advice about something. So since you know he likes music, do you know what kind? Is there a genre he is really attracted to? You could use that as a way to ask for his help. You could say something like “I’m putting together a playlist. I remember how much you like music. I would love some advice on some songs. What group would you suggest for me to look up for…..”
The thing is Sara, your relationship sounds like it barely got off the ground, so he may not even respond to that, as there isn’t enough of a connection to get things started. He knows he doesn’t want a long distance relationship and there is not much you can do about that. I”m wondering what is making you want to fight for this guy you barely know vs. just releasing it and moving on with someone who doesn’t have resistance.
Heidi
I get it. Why not video conference?
What if you don’t look at it as a confrontation. It’s really just a conversation where you are being curious and wanting to learn more about him.
So you could start by saying something like, “So listen. I would love for you to teach me a little more about you. It seems like when your stress level gets higher, you seem to go a bit quieter. I’ve noticed that since this pandemic and the isolation that is happening, you have reached out less and have become more introverted. I am quite extroverted and I know this time has been challenging for me in that way, but I also heard how introverts are loving this “quiet” time. It’s so interesting to me. So it made me wonder about you. Is that what you feel like? Do you feel like you are just going more inward and want to be quieter and less connective?”
How does that approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hey there!
So glad you like this exercise. It is a great way to get to know yourself and discover what your core values are.
Another aspect of that list that needs to be included, is how he treats you when he is under stress. I coach people that when they are dating someone, they want to observe how that person handles stress in their life. Do they disappear and not communicate? Do they tend to blame? Do they hold grudges? How do they treat themselves? What is their self talk like? This is one of the most important qualities to look for, if you are wanting a long term relationship. You will see their coping mechanisms. You cannot have a lasting relationship with someone who stops communicating when things go south in life. You cannot have a lasting relationship with someone who becomes verbally or physically abusive when he is angry or hurt. So…this is the #1 quality to pay attention to.
The hard part is, many times it will take a while before you see each other under stress in life or before you have your first argument. And usually by then, you are quite bonded, so you end up trying to negotiate a way to stay together, no matter how the person handled stress. So I like to suggest a couple of different questions to get a little window into who they are. I like to ask questions around the subject. Sometimes I am very direct and will ask, “what are you like when you are angry? When you are hurt?” Other times I am less direct. I will ask, “tell me about the worst heartbreak in your life. What did you do?” Or “Tell me about the worst moment or time in your life.” And as they are telling me the story, I pay attention to the energy they feel, the words they use and how they feel while telling the story. If they are telling the story and you can tell there is still hurt lingering there, then you know they are not someone who is forgiving and willing to work on releasing their wounds. They are the type to hold onto the hurt and “ignore” it. You can tell by their words what their perception of the situation is. If they have a victim mentality, their words will tell you that. They will use blaming words vs. someone who takes responsibility for their part in every situation in their life.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
I’m glad to hear you guys were able to connect and that it was a good conversation. I love that he is going to help you with your car!
How about not making any official plans yet, as to how you want to handle the next step. Let this unfold, little bits at a time. You don’t need to decide right now, how you are going to respond after he fixes your car. Right now, you are in a phase of gathering information and having a little bit of re-connection. It’s such an unknown kind of thing right now. So take 1 step at a time, see how things go and then decide how to proceed next. Truth is, you never really know how things will turn out until you try them. You may be surprised that giving him some space after he works on your car, will inspire him to want to connect. Or, you could totally try and show him you want to fight for him. That may work too. But then again, neither approach may work because his walls just want to stay up and he is not willing to be vulnerable. Who knows. Point being, you are not at that stage yet. For now, just keep talking about your feelings here, work with your therapist and have some fun when he comes over to work on your car. That’s all you need to think about.
Heidi
Okay, that makes more sense. So how long will you live there? Hopefully you will like living there. I imagine you would just put most of your stuff in storage?
As far as your guy, I am wondering what is stopping you from being more direct and just asking him about what you are sensing. I imagine he would appreciate an open and honest conversation about what you are sensing.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I’m so glad you are able to see the gifts that LA has for you. I will definitely send all kinds of positive vibes in your direction for you to be able to go back home though! That would be incredible! It sounds like you are bringing a lot of much needed value.
As far as your profile, I know from the past that your intentions are spot on, but sometimes how you communicate them can be iffy and interpreted in many different ways. Communication is hard for sure. It’s taken me many years to master the art of aligning what I say with what I intend in a way that is receivable and understandable to the majority of the population. Even then, there is always room for error and misunderstanding. Communication is usually the top 2 or 3 spot as to why couples will break up. Anyways, men DO want to be needed, but men also want a woman who isn’t needy. This also is a fine art form. In your profile, you don’t want to mention what you need before you even meet the guy. Your profile is meant to just show how you live your life, what your preferences are and your general personality. Once you go out and meet them in person, that’s the time to begin to reveal the deeper layers and more details about who you are that way there can be conversations about what is being said. Remember, your profile is the first impression, so you don’t want to put anything in there that could easily be misunderstood (like “needing” could be construed as “needy”). There is also no need to mention husband or to communicate that you are not up for a 1 nightstand. You simply say “I’m looking to have a deeper connection with someone….” Hopefully this helps. But again, there are a gazillion opinions about profiles and how they should be written. It is an artform. I personally like to teach people to express their character and core values in their profile using story. Stories and analogies are the most powerful way to communicate a concept since it leaves little room for misunderstanding. People are able to get the deeper concepts through story and analogy. That’s why Jesus used parables so many times when he taught.
It’s not really a long weekend for me. Being a personal trainer, I typically end up working on most holidays because people are off work. No complaints though, especially during this time, so I am still working. No special plans other than my usual drive to somewhere in the mountains :).
Heidi
Hey there!
Wow! You are moving! I’m not understanding completely though. You are moving in with your mom? Or your grandma? Or you are moving to a place next to them? How come you are moving?
I totally get why you would be hesitant to ask your guy for his help. I’m glad to hear he finally finished his place! Is he going to be moving in soon as well?
I think the best way you could ask him for help, is to just be honest. Let him know you are hesitant and why. This will let him know you care about him. You could say something like, “I want to ask you for help with something, but I am hesitant for a few reasons. I want to upgrade my home a little after I move. I know you just finished your house and I also remember that you helped your ex with her house and that didn’t turn out very well. So how does it feel for you for me to ask for your help with this project?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Angela,
You are asking a great question and it sounds like you are having a brand new experience with yourself. This is great!
First, it would be a good thing to stop contacting him. You don’t want to bombard him and not give him the time and space he needs to process everything you are sharing with him. When you are super easily available for him, it doesn’t activate his “hunting” type instincts, which most guys love – although a lot of them don’t really know that about themselves. It’s a good thing for you to become a little unavailable. So for now, do you feel like you could not contact him for a few weeks? Let him feel his life without you in it. That is so important for him to feel.
Second, I imagine that whatever pattern you guys have that is causing you guys to break up and get back together, is just not working for him anymore. I’m not sure what “pitch” you offered to him. Would you mind sharing more about that? Realistically, it’s a good idea to look at ways to heal the relationship so you guys don’t keep doing this. It’s exhausting isn’t it? What kinds of things can YOU do to become a better girlfriend? What can YOU do to change the patterns? What can YOU do to support him better?
Lastly, I think it’s a great thing that you are feeling vulnerable and scared. You are having access to feelings you haven’t had before. It’s so important to feel all kinds of things in a relationship. Our feelings are the messages from our subconscious. They show up to let us know that something deep down is going on and we need to pay attention to it. Would you mind explaining this a little further? Would you say that you typically don’t feel much in your life in general?
Heidi
Hi Heidi!
Welcome to the forum! I’ll answer your question here, but it would be great if you started your own thread. It makes it a lot easier for us coaches to keep track of everyone and make sure all their questions get answered.
You are asking a really great question! I think the best thing to expect is to just let it be whatever it is and see what kind of pattern emerges. Everyone is so different and now that technology is the only way to get to know someone right now, it’s important to have more patience than ever. Everyone’s pattern with technology is different. Maybe he is responding every few days. If that is his pattern, then that’s your baseline. What you want to look for is to make sure there is good initiation. If you are the only one initiating contact, then that would be something you want to start to back away from. Do you guys initiate contact pretty evenly? Have you guys talked over the phone or video conferenced yet? That would be a good next step if you haven’t done so. You can totally have dates over video conferencing. You can play cards, you can have dinner, you do a crossword puzzle together etc.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
Let’s talk about your fear. Tell us more about that? What are you afraid of by being honest?
Heidi
Hi Sara,
You asked about how to use the hero instinct with a LDR. First, it’s important to understand that it this method typically works best when there is an established relationship. It sounds like this is still very new and you haven’t even met in person yet, so I’m not sure what impact it will have.
But basically, you can ask for some kind of advice. Is there a hobby he has that he knows a lot about? Is there a skill he has that could benefit you? For example, let’s say he loves to learn about the stars. You could ask him for advice about telescopes he uses or the best ways to know where to see a falling star. Maybe he knows a lot about photography. You could ask him advice about cameras or lighting. Is there anything you can think of that you could ask him for advice for?
Heidi
