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Hi Krista!
Welcome! We are glad you are here sharing your questions with us. It sounds like you guys are going through a lot, but there is still a strong connection.
I think the best path for you is to continue getting to know yourself. You guys don’t want to enter back into the same patterns that caused a lot of chaos as before. So if you spend your time working and healing those patterns you brought to the table, THEN having another go at the relationship could be something you propose. It sounds like you have a hard time communicating and it sounds like you have more co-dependent tendencies. What are you specifically doing to work on those patterns? Co-dependent behavior is “meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself.” You end up making everyone else more valuable and important than you. Staying silent and not asking for your needs, communicating what you want and expressing your thoughts and feelings is pretty common for someone who is co-dependent. Have you explored this in yourself? Have you read any books about it? Have you looked into your past to see where this behavior was created and how to work with it?
If you haven’t done any work on healing these parts of you, you guys will get back together and then end up right back here where you are now. I imagine that is not what you want to have happen.
Heidi
Hi Dania,
I have a few more questions. How far away have moved from him? Is it a plane flight away or is it driveable? It doesn’t sound like you guys discussed anything about continuing the relationship after you moved.
My guess is, you both are looking at this “relationship” in very different ways. He, most likely, is not viewing it as having potential. You moved and are creating a very separate life than him and he accepts that and is moving on. You are still holding on, trying to make something work with him. With the lack of response he is having, he might be dating someone else or he just might have had the mindset to enjoy you while you were there and then let you go once you moved. You know how people will get really intimate and close with someone when they are on vacation? There is a certain freedom that people have to get close with someone they know is leaving, because it’s just a short term experience. I’m wondering if that was his mindset when you guys met and now that you have left, he has let go.
How often are you initiating with him? Do you guys ever talk on the phone or video chat?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Thank you for asking! For me personally, it’s so sad. It hurts my heart that something like this happened. No, it’s not the first and not the last, BUT George having his life taken away is sure waking up a lot of people. There have been many who have lost their lives and no one noticed, so at the very least, the loss of him is impacting people – worldwide – and thank goodness! It makes me sad that so many people are choosing to handle their reactions with hatred and anger though. So much disdain floating around. In my personal circle, many of my clients are struggling. They feel tired, confused, not sure what or if or how to express what they feel and obviously feeling “pressure.” To me, I take these times as a gift for me to work on myself and forgiveness and healing my own judgments and struggle. Unfortunately, that is not everyone’s approach – as we are seeing from all the riots. Every day, I am sending good vibes out into the world. There’s a lot of tension here. What are the conversations like there?? What kinds of thoughts and feelings are people having about it?
I’m excited to hear about your move. I love that he is helping you and I love that you have massages set up! It sounds like the makings of some good bonding time!!! Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hey there!
Gosh…you are asking some great questions!
Let’s address the non-negotiable list first. I’m not sure what James said in the article, so it’s hard for me to fully understand his point of view. Personally, I still hold VERY strong, that there is no flexibility in the non-negotiable list. It is exactly what it says…non-negotiable. These are the core characteristics that exist in a relationship that you truly cannot live without. There are no compromises. That’s why it’s really important for you to spend time with it and make sure that what you are requiring is truly non-negotiable. For example, I CANNOT and WILL NOT ever work with a man who is not inspired and has his own drive to grow in his life. If a man does not have the strength or desire to face himself, know himself, dive into his limiting patterns and learn about who he is and how he can transform – there is no way in a million years we would ever last. Another way to look at the non-negotiable list is this: would you ever be flexible with a man hitting you? Let’s say he is a super great guy. He takes care of you in many, many ways, but when he gets angry enough – which only happens occasionally…maybe just a few times a year – he hits you. Is that something you would ever feel okay about?? I imagine your answer would be no. There is a solid line drawn there. It’s NEVER okay for a guy to hit you – under any circumstance. That’s how solid the line needs to be drawn with your non-negotiable list. James may have been talking about a different kind of list. People often mistake the qualities on the non-negotiable list with the qualities they want to have and they are actually very different things. I “want” a guy who loves to be playful with sports. I “want” a guy who is financially successful. Are those things important to me? Absolutely!! Are they non-negotiable? Nope. So hopefully this brings you more clarity. Let’s keep talking about it.
“I’ve felt love could be blinding, just like with me and my ex-husband when I first met him that I missed his red flags. So I am a little bit afraid not to stick to my list and end up settling.” Love can be blind for sure. That’s why it is sooooo important to know yourself VERY well and to also have a good support system. As clear as I am about what kind of man I am looking for, as well as I know myself, I also know that the chemistry that appears can be blinding and entirely consuming. So I have my backup. I have my friends and coach who I submit to. Any guy who comes into my life that inspires me to want to connect deeply with, is going to have a gazillion “tests” to go through. It’s like a job interview – except it is your heart. Before I ever let a man in on the deepest level of my life, I must see him under stress. That’s the number 1 thing I always look for – how does he treat me, himself and those around him, when he is under high levels fear, hurt, anger etc. If he is respectful and navigates that stress with wisdom, forgiveness and wanting to honor the highest possible outcome – then green light! If he is harmful, mean or plays the victim – I don’t care how fun and caring and connective his is with me – it’s a solid red light. How a couple functions under stress is what makes or breaks any relationship. If – in the worst moments – you treat each other with respect – then it’s always workable. Anything less than that causes harm and I’m not interested in that. Under my high levels of stress – I am still respectful, I take ownership, I choose forgiveness, I am a very good communicator. I’ve done a lot of work to become that person, even in my worst moments – so I expect and require the same kind of treatment. Can it still be messy and full of drama??? Absolutely! And that’s okay. I just draw the line with being harmful. You never truly know someone’s full character until you have seen them in their worst. So when you are looking for a long term partner, you want to feel 100% safe with them, even when they are at their worst. This is just the starting place. I’ll leave it at that, as I could write an entire book on your questions. So let’s just take 1 piece at a time.
Yes! You interpreted correctly about filling up your love tank vs. being co-dependent.
“I think if I have found the love of my life, I will be okay with either lifestyle.” Whether or not you find and have the love of your life, you can be happy. You want to envision your life, either quiet and small or huge and expansive and KNOW that you feel fulfilled, happy and well-nourished – whether a man is part of it or not. You DO NOT need a man to have a great life!!!
“The humble lifestyle will probably be more appealing to me. Because I recently read about this couple that I’ve admired for a while because they have great venture together and seemed happy just announced their separation. This made me wonder if women with great visibility and career will always end up losing their loved one. A big part of me doesn’t want to believe that and a part of me know that I can’t predict the future nor any relationship I will be in. All I can do is cherish every day as they come to me. Maybe that’s enough for my happiness? Just choose to be happy and maximize each day.” Correct! That couple broke up because their time together needed to end, for whatever reasons. DO NOT connect their separation to her being visible and having a big career. There is no truth in that statement! If that is part of what caused the separation, it’s not because of the career itself, it’s because of the story each person created about the career. Just like money in and of itself is not “the root of all evil” it’s the person holding the money that can make it the “root of all evil.” Remember, it’s all about the storied we create about what’s happening. Those stories are either full of lies, fears, limiting beliefs and baggage or they can be more clear, expansive and open to change. The choice is yours.
Your vision is important. How you play with it, is up to you. Your only job is to step into it, explore it, experience it and express it – and truth is – it will be expressed in a million different ways before you leave this earth. So you will go through phases where it’s big and you reach 10 million people and phases where it’s small. Instead of focusing on HOW it’s expressed – whether to be big or small or reach 10 million people or not – you want to just focus on living your vision each day. Work on not being attached to the numbers and size of your vision, but instead the quality of your vision and yourself – let the rest of it fall away and be secondary. This allows for the universe, God, Jesus – or whatever you believe, to better guide you and source you in ways you cannot even imagine. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hey there!
It sounds like you had a wonderful meeting! That puts a HUGE smile on my face! There are so many layers here to address, but I’m going to just address 1 of them.
You asked about your tendency to create a negative story about what MJ is doing. First, it’s normal. We all can have tendencies to create the worst case scenario in our minds, as a way of protecting ourselves. Truth is, whatever story you make up in your mind, it’s not about making that story go away – it’s about embracing it. That story has a message for you! For example, your story about him going away to be with his new girlfriend etc., if you were to really look at it and dissect it, you would find all kinds of other thoughts and feelings. What are those thoughts and feelings?? That’s the key. Those thoughts and feelings (i.e. I’m not good enough and that’s why he is taking her instead of me, I’m not loveable, I’m must not be as much fun as her, I’ve lost him) are letting you know where you can offer yourself what you need, instead of looking to him. Maybe you needed comfort, or validation, or connection. I don’t know, but it’s basically taking the time to connect to yourself and feelings and asking yourself, “what do I need right now?” and then finding a way to accomplish that.
Does this make sense? It’s not about changing the pattern. That comes later. First and foremost, it’s diving INTO your pattern and exploring it further and connecting with it. THEN you can understand more about yourself and make deeper changes that are more permanent.I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are sharing this with him. The more you teach others what you are learning, the more it sinks into you and becomes a part of you! You said: “Also I shared about healthy relationship between two people that have their love tank full on their own so they are giving to one another out of joy and co-dependency.” I’m not sure if this was a typo, so I’m just asking. Did you mean to say co-dependency? Because co-dependency is not part of love. So if we need to talk about this, let’s do it!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Wow…what an intense experience. I’m so sorry you are going through this again. It’s so hard when you invest so much and love someone so much, to have to be torn like this.
It’s simple really – but simplicity is FULL of complication! His feelings are not your responsibility. He is blaming you for all these things that he is feeling inside of himself – it’s called projection. The thing is, you are playing into HIS story by trying to find ways to create solutions for how he feels. He is angry, even when things are good. He carries it with him everywhere he goes and then as stress builds, it leaks out and then occasionally explodes. This is HIS cycle and you are an easy and immediate target – which makes you part of supporting this cycle. It’s not your fault that he is angry. It’s not your fault that he believes you don’t love him or feel like you are a poor conversationalist or that he believes you are not interested in what he wants to talk about. Bottom line truth is, everything he is blaming you for, he feels about himself. Everything he blames you for is an inside look into how he really feels about himself. The only control you have is about how you participate in this. You cannot change him. His issues are FAR beyond learning how to communicate better. He can’t. The anger and depression are SOOOOO strong that he can’t communicate better. You are asking him to care for you, when he can barely care for himself. It just is unrealistic.
What to do next? It’s up to you. This is nothing new and you know that. You can wait it out and then hop onto the rollercoaster ride again or you can decide you don’t want to go through this cycle anymore. No one can tell you when you are ready to hop off. If you still want to get back on, then go for it! You know you will end up right back here again. You just need to wait it out. He will come around again and you guys will have fun and reconnect again. Or…you can decide this rollercoaster ride isn’t for you anymore. So you have 2 choices. You hop back on, or you don’t get on anymore. It’s that simple. He isn’t going to change. You will go through this again and again and again – and that’s okay – it’s your life – your design.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jade,
Welcome! I’m really sorry for what you are going through. Losing someone we love is so very difficult, especially in the beginning.
Let’s talk about this a little more. How long have you been dating? Do you guys live in the same area? Are you going off to college anywhere? I’m just curious if this would end up being a long distance kind of thing.
You mentioned he needs to heal and that you also need to heal. What is going on for you that you need to heal from? What does he need to heal from? What is he angry about?
It sounds like you both have a very strong connection with each other. It also sounds like he needs to space to work on whatever it is he is dealing with. If he is dealing with intense anger towards women, he is VERY SMART to step away and not let that anger come out towards you. Whether you feel you need protecting or not, he knows himself better than you know him. You don’t know the full extent of what he is feeling and thinking, so if he feels it’s best to “protect” you, by not exposing you to what is inside of him, then I would trust him.
I know you want him back while he is healing. Is he going to see a therapist? How exactly is he going to help himself through whatever he is feeling? What is he going to DO for his healing?
You also said you needed to work on yourself as well. What is your approach going to be?
Looking forward to your response.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Welcome! I am so sorry for what you are going through, but it sounds like your relationship with him is quite tumultuous. I DO NOT recommend being sex buddies. First, it will hurt – A LOT. You love him and that’s the problem. Sex buddies is okay if there are not deep feelings involved, but that just isn’t the case for you, so first and foremost, you need to honor and protect your heart and DO NOT allow yourself to be used in that way. Second, yes – men have an easier time at being sex buddies than women. It’s just how they are built – it’s not a bad thing though. It’s just different. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings – it just means he would be able to “compartmentalize” much better than you.
I can understand his caution of not wanting to step back into a relationship that was “toxic.” No one should. It sounds like he really loves connecting with you, but he doesn’t want all the added extra drama. You have no control over how he behaves in a relationship, but you do have control over yourself and the kind of partner you are with him. So my suggestion is – NO SEX BUDDIES – but instead meet up for coffee or takeout or something and just get to know each other again – maybe start with just once. I would suggest that you really look at how you contributed to the toxicity and work on what you can do to become better for him and yourself first and foremost. As he sees those changes in you, you might see him start to change his behaviors that added to the toxicity. Does this approach make sense??? Bottom line, it doesn’t matter if you believe you are meant to be together. There may be a strong connection and a knowing, but how it was expressed in reality was not healthy – and that’s the area that needs to be worked on if a relationship with him is going to be possible again. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Shala,
It’s completely understandable how you feel. It doesn’t feel good that he is keeping everything quiet.
Have you ever just directly asked him about what his reasons are? I’m wondering if it would upset his father. The thing is, you want him to fight for you, when it doesn’t seem you are fighting for yourself first and foremost. This has been going on for quite a while yes? So you are upset that he is staying silent, yet it sounds like you are treating yourself the same way – you are staying silent and just going along for the ride, even though this design doesn’t work for you.
When people are treating us in ways that we don’t like, you want to view how they are treating you, as an opportunity to learn and reflect how you are treating yourself….and therein lies the key to change. So he is hiding you from everyone – and because you are participating and agreeing to this design, not communicating how you are feeling and also “pretending” that nothing has happened even though he asked for space…YOU are hiding from him. My guess is, you have a really big fear of losing him, so you hide a lot of how you feel in efforts to keep the peace. Would you agree with this? Would you agree that you tend to stay silent a lot about your deeper feelings of hurt and confusion? If yes, would you say this is a pattern of yours in your life in general?
An ultimatum is not the route you want to go with something like this…at least not at this point. However, a conversation is needed – your experiences, thoughts and feelings do need to be expressed and there needs to be an agreement that there is no more pretending that everything is okay when it isn’t. Are these things you are willing to do and require from him?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
It sounds like you have done some good work on yourself about opening up a little more and being more connective. Well done! Keep working on that!
Here is how you approach the subject of him not giving you enough attention. First and foremost, it’s a great opportunity to really address YOUR reaction. Whenever you look to someone else to source you for your happiness, your value, your worth – you are looking at a temporary source. The bottom line truth is, it isn’t his job to make sure you feel like you have enough attention. It’s YOUR job to first really get to know what you are feeling and start to source yourself first and foremost. Invite those feelings of rejection “to lunch” and get to know them. They have a message for you…they have things to say. So it would mean maybe journaling what you are feeling, talking to someone you trust and has good wisdom about what you are feeling. It’s a great way to get to know yourself and the baggage you are carrying around and how that is being triggered by his behavior. It’s YOUR pattern and YOUR reaction – and you want HIM to fix it for you, so you don’t have to feel it. That makes him your source for happiness. So again, you want to be your own source and not rely on him to fix how you feel.
It doesn’t mean you don’t talk to him about it, but it’s with the mindset that you are your own source, you don’t need him to fix you and you just want to understand what is happening for him. You don’t go into the conversation wanting him to change. You want to go into the conversation as if you are a reporter and you need to write a story about him. You get curious and you investigate so to speak. So here is what that would look like. “So it feels like you have been a lot less connective over the past few weeks. Normally you reach out a lot more and initiate more conversations and initiate making plans more, but it just seems like that has shifted for you recently. Is there something going on?” Or something like, “I have to admit, I am feeling a lot less connection and attention from you compared to a few weeks ago. I’m a little sad about that. I miss you. Is there something going on for you? It just seems like you are more stressed somehow. I’d like to hear about it.” This approach is focuses on HIS experience vs. you telling him everything he isn’t doing and how that has upset you….which is all about you. Do you see the difference?
As far as when the month is up, you can reach out with saying something like, “Well, it’s been about a month now and I have to say, I learned a lot about myself. As hard as it was for me to take a break, I am thankful for your strength to request a breather. I decided to make the best of it and really learn about myself and make some changes. Would you be willing to meet up for coffee or something? I’d like to hear about your experience as well. No pressure or expectations on my end – I just want to re-connect and hear about you.”
How does all of this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Michele,
Welcome! I understand your confusion. It’s a strange thing to have him ask you to marry him, move in and then say he wants you to stick around to see if you are “the one” for him. That’s definitely a mixed message.
I just have a few questions. How long were guys together before he asked you to marry him? Do you like your relationship and how you guys have built a life together? Is there anything specifically happening that you would be able to say is contributing to his doubt? Do you feel he is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, considering how he is acting now? Is this a surprise to you that he is really questioning the relationship?
He could either simply be getting “cold feet” and dealing with fear about getting married and making that kind of commitment, or there is something in the relationship that isn’t working for him. More details would be helpful, so we can better guide you.
Heidi
Hi Laurie,
The 12 words work with the concept of activating his hero instinct. So it’s not really about saying the exact 12 words, it’s just about asking for help. So for example, you could say, “Hey. I need your help with something.” Or “I really need your help” or “Would you mind texting me back? I need your help.”
You don’t want to say what you need help with, in the first text. You wait until they text or call you and get connected before you tell them what you need help with.
What’s going on in your relationship that you want to use this technique?
Heidi
Hey! We have that saying too!!! Great minds DO think alike 🙂
I’m glad to hear that the energy is flowing a bit more between the both of you. He sounds connective and responsive. He even asked your advice about a car! That’s a good sign that he is valuing your thoughts and opinion about something like that. I also loved that he offered his help for moving. I’m glad you are accepting his help. It’s a great way to bond. You learn a lot about each other when moving…lol! I broke up with a guy once because of it. Either way, the conversation in the back of your mind will happen when it happens. The moment will present itself and you will find yourself inspired to bring it up…or maybe not. Who knows! There will be plenty of moments that come along to talk about within the same subject. For now, you guys are flowing well together and I’m sure it feels great! Enjoy it!
Heidi
Hi Laura,
I still want to encourage cookies. There are a MILLION recipes out there that are healthy and that he can enjoy. First, it’s standard and not too personal – it’s a safe gift in case he does have a girlfriend and you want to honor that. Second, it IS personal on some level by finding a recipe that is healthy. That lets him know you thought about him. 3rd, a guy LOVES to know a woman has the ability to bake or cook. It’s just one more added bonus and attractive feature.
The 12 word phrase is not in the book. It’s basically asking him for help. You want to say it in your own words but it’s something to the effect of “Hey! I need your help with something….” It’s a way to activate the hero instinct in the guy. You ask him for help, but don’t tell him what you need help with until he responds back. Asking for help is a way to get the guy to respond because it activates his very natural and instinctive desire to make sure his woman is “safe” and to feel like he is taking care of her – being a hero. It’s not something you want to use in your situation. You don’t need it – at least not yet.
First and foremost, you need to find out if he is single. Can you look him up on any social media platform??
I understand your connection is deep and want to pursue this. Just be careful and find out first if he is even available.
Heidi
Hi Yingtzu,
You can email [email protected] and request for your profile to be deleted.
I’m sorry you feel this way. I wish you the best of luck!
Heidi
