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Hi Grace,
Thank you for sharing more details. It’s helpful!
My first question is, what is going on for you that you have to get married before 30? Why?
I’d also like to just address this last sentence: “That is why I’m trying to see if there is a way to tell him that its okaay to show those emotions without alarming him. I know I’m still trying to fix him, but I think this feature of showing his vulnerable emotions is important in any type of relationships.” It’s soooooo important for you to really understand that him not wanting to be vulnerable is much more complicated, layered and very deep beliefs and programming that he lives by. Telling him it’s okay to have emotions is not even going to touch it. If it were that simple, he wouldn’t be who he is.
Here is the thing. You are correct in believing that vulnerability is a key factor in any relationship that is going to be healthy and sustainable. You are choosing a guy who doesn’t live that way. Can he change? Well…anyone can change, but most are not willing to do the deep dive work necessary for those permanent changes. He is showing you who he is. If he can’t even be vulnerable and connective with his niece or dog, 2 souls that hardly need anything from him, that tells you how guarded he is. I used to be that guarded and let me tell ya, it took an incredible amount of deep work, persistence and a drive to heal for me to get past the walls I had built up. So it’s important for you to really come to grips with the kind of guy you are trying to fit into your vision of relationship. Your vision of the kind of relationship you want to experience, does not fit with the guy you are choosing. So you have to either change your vision to match him, accept who he really is and understand that he gets to be that way and let him be, or move on.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I understand your fear. It sounds like you guys have a really wonderful connection and when things are good, they are really good.
It sounds like he is just in overwhelm. When people are in that space and it’s coming from all directions, it’s very normal to want to retreat. Now is not the time to ask him for help with anything. Now is the time for you to come in and just support him. Understand that he may need extra space right now. Men LOVE to go into their caves and just think and figure things out. Us ladies tend to do way better talking about it all out loud, as that helps us process better. So your job is to let him be in that cave, leave him alone, trust his process and then bring him meals throughout the day. That’s the concept you want to work with. This is HIS time right now. The best way to help him through this is to trust and believe in him and then provide support in a million different ways. Sometimes men will come out of their cave and want to talk and then they will go back in. If he does come out and talk, you LISTEN. DO NOT PROBLEM SOLVE. Your first objective is to just remind him of his own power and ability to handle everything that is happening. So you say things like, “I see why you are overwhelmed. It’s a lot to deal with. I believe in you. I know that you have what it takes to figure all of this out. I have no doubt that even though all of this is crazy right now, you will come out the other side and be a better man for it. That’s one of the things I love about you….”
You can also support him by making sure you ask for nothing from him right now. Give him all the time and space he needs. Like I said before, do not ask for any help from him about anything. Think about small ways you can support him. Keep his life as drama free as possible. This “friend” of both of yours needs to not be involved in any way in your conversations. Keep her out completely. Focus on making his favorite dinners, packing him lunches, doing extra things to make his life as easy as possible. One thing that is really important to say to him, is something to the effect of, “I know you are going through so much right now. I want you to know that I am okay. You go take as much time and space as you need to figure things out, I just ask that you keep letting me know when you need to disappear for awhile. I will be here each time you get back. I am happy to listen any time you want to talk. Otherwise, I won’t bother you about any of it. I trust that when and if you are ready to share anything, you will. I just see my role right now as being completely supportive of you in any way that I can. Is there anything different you would like from me?”
Men have a really hard time going into their caves because they are afraid it will hurt their women, so by you giving him permission, it will be 1 less thing he has to worry about.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Jean,
If the door is still open for him to stay close friends, then why not give it a shot! I would stay away from talking to him at all about the relationship and how he is feeling. You sharing that it upset you that he was not showing you enough attention or showing enough interest in you, is going to be interpreted by him, that he is not enough. I’m not sure how you said it to him, but either way, it’s a HUGE key as to understand what pushed him away. I know you want to gain his interest back, but before you really go down that path, are you going feel like you are getting your needs met, by him just being himself? That means, whatever made you feel like he wasn’t showing enough interest in you, is still going to be there. Is that okay for you? Can you accept this? Are you able to let it go and not mention anything about it?
Heidi
Hi Cicci,
Thank you for sharing more of your thoughts and details.
It sounds like you are pretty clear that you want a relationship with him. First, it’s important to set some guidelines/boundaries that you feel comfortable with. This way you BOTH are on the same page. This is not about him, it’s about you helping to create clear communication as to how you feel comfortable interacting. These are YOUR boundaries and have nothing to do with him. Since you are worried he my be using you, which is very possible, set some boundaries you feel good about. Besides, no one can be used without their consent. He can only use you if you allow him to. That’s why it’s important for you to get clear about how you feel comfortable interacting with him, regardless of whether he is using you or not. So maybe you set a boundary of no sleeping over. That’s a pretty fast forward kind of activity for 2 people that are just taking things slow and bit by bit. Instead, why not go on dates? You said you guys didn’t go out much, so why not create all different kinds of activities to do. Create some delicious food, have a glass of wine and sit down and create a list of everything you guys want to do, both inside and outside. Things like puzzles, painting, game night, making a new meal together, take a dance lesson, do an exercise class together, learn a new language together etc. Then set up a date once or twice a month and start to check off your list.
Stay away from ALL relationship talk. Remember, you guys are getting to know each other again. It’s going to take time. Let go of needing him to commit and take on the mindset that this is a great opportunity to kind of “start over” and just start dating and getting to know each other as if it were the first time. Make this a season full of adventure and being curious about each other and seeing if you guys really fit together in a healthy way. Adding in some fun activities can really bring a great dynamic out in a couple.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Grace,
You are asking some great questions.
You ignore yourself every time you make him more important than you. From how you describe your relationship, it sounds like you have been doing that for 3 years. He doesn’t give you the attention and meet your needs, therefore by staying with him, you are ignoring your needs and wants. You keep wanting HIM to meet your needs when in reality, you have chosen to be with someone, for 3 years, that is not interested in being in the kind of relationship you want and need in order to feel happy and fulfilled.
Even in your final sentences, it was all about him, not you. “…how he feels or what he wants from a relationship. Is there a way I can ask in a subtle way without alarming him?” What about you? You have spent 3 years trying to “get” more from him and you still want to keep trying. You are completely ignoring the fact that he gets to be however he wants and he doesn’t nor should change for anyone. He is not interested in changing or being a better partner for you. You don’t want to “alarm” him by telling him directly how you feel and setting some standards for yourself? To me, that sounds like someone who is more concerned about him than herself – hence you ignoring your needs and wants, so you can stay connected to him. And you get to do that! You get to choose that kind of relationship. However, you are doing him and you a disservice by spending an incredible amount of energy trying to get him to change. It sounds like you have made several attempts already. There is a point in which your words and feelings will just annoy him, because you just keep saying the same things over and over. He will become more and more unresponsive.
Before you talk to him about what HE wants in a relationship, what do you want? It’s crucial for you to get very clear about what you want and need. Then, if you want to open up that conversation, you also have to be prepared that if he does not want to give you what you need or you are not able to offer him what he needs, you guys may need to consider going your separate ways. In order for any relationship to work, BOTH people need to be in agreement with how to function in the relationship. A very wise woman said to me once, I loved my ex-husband so deeply, but I realized I did not love the life we created together. The live you create together is this 3rd, invisible entity in your relationship. There is you, there is him, there is the life you create together. So how you both function on a daily basis, the life you create together needs to be loved, valued, nurtured and supported if a relationship is going to last. Just some things to think about.
So share with me what you are wanting to accomplish with talking to him. What do you want and HOW do you want him to behave and be for you? What kind of relationship do you want to have with him? And…do you feel he is capable of offering what you want? Has he ever been that kind of boyfriend for you? We can then sculpt a way to start a conversation with him about this.
Heidi
Hi Jean,
I understand you feel and believe his choice is inexcusable. What I’m trying to suggest is to look beyond that. If all you focus on is the action, you lose all the wonderful things that are there to teach you about yourself and him. This is an opportunity for you to look beyond his action. That’s why I am suggesting to connect with him through curiosity. Regardless of your belief that he should have contacted you before he left, truth is, you don’t know why he made that choice. You don’t know what is happening for him right now. And pay attention to YOUR reaction as well. Maybe he didn’t trigger you not feeling prioritized…maybe he triggered abandonment or not feeling special or not feeling valuable or fought for. Do you identify with any of those feelings from your past? Truth is, if there is nothing in us to be triggered, it wouldn’t matter how someone behaved because there would be no trigger to activate. So the fact that he has triggered you, tells you there is a subconscious belief, wound you are carrying around that got activated by his choice.
This may not be the path of understanding you are interested in going down, so if you have more questions about this, I am happy to discuss it with you. Otherwise I will let it go.
I’m curious, what is stopping you from talking to him about how you are feeling. He found the time and space to communicate with you how he felt ignored. WHy not create some time and space for yourself to talk to him about your feelings?
Heidi
Hey!
Wow! Quite the intense and controlling guy! It’s hard to imagine you married to him, but I can see why that would have happened before you were able to connect to yourself in the way you are now.
First, remember that everything he triggers in you can only be a trigger because of the beliefs and stories and woundedness you carry about yourself. So every single trigger in your life is a window into your subconscious. Each time you get triggered, it’s an opportunity to learn about yourself and do deeper healing work since the feelings are up and being activated.
Second, it’s good that you are moving into a space of acceptance about him vs. hoping and having faith he will change. Acceptance is the place you will find the most peace. Hope is about the future and it’s futile. Start imagining peaceful and easy exchanges with him. Make sure you are practicing true and deep forgiveness towards him. Do everything you can to keep clearing the judgment you have towards him. I know this is easier said than done though. It’s an incredible amount of work. If he is NPD or at least extreme with narcissistic tendencies, then it’s important to understand how to deal with a narcissist to keep the peace. You “manage” them. You play into their game, you give them what they need and you will find an incredible amount of ease comes from it. For example, my father was an NPD. So I knew that if we were ever going to “hang out” it was going to be dinner and a movie. I made sure and planned specific topics to talk about and even made up things to ask for his advice about because I knew if we “colored outside of the lines” of specific topics, we would run into trouble. As long as I stayed within the subjects that were “safe” for him and me, we were all good. The movie was always great because we didn’t have to talk to each other. That’s what it means to “manage.” Now being that he is their father, it obviously is much more difficult than what I just explained, but maybe it can open the door to specific ways to “manage” the relationship. Understand and accept it will be nothing more than this – ever. Does this make sense? We will keep talking about this though. Share some of your ideas on how you can best manage him. Do you have a deep understanding of narcissists and how to be in a relationship with one? There are a gazillion books about it.
And you know, it’s okay if you don’t respond to him. No matter how many excuses he makes up, you don’t have to respond. Responses can short and clear. The more you have emotion, he knows he has engaged you and will get his power fix off of you. That’s how narcissists work. So react all you want, but just do it away from him and in your own space. Anytime you interact with him, you need to be as neutral and unaffected as possible. Seems impossible, right? I get it. But that’s why you have to keep working on your own deep woundedness and beliefs that attracted you to him in the first place. Look at him as your teacher. He is teaching you and showing you all the places inside of yourself where are disconnected and full of fear, hurt and discord. So even in your prayers, send “thank you” messages to him for helping you become more of who you are. Does this make sense?
Lastly, I know you feel the need to protect your daughters as well. Of course you would! If you fear for their safety, then I would imagine taking legal steps to create boundaries is important. I can’t tell you what to do in this aspect as I don’t have a full understanding of your situation, so your therapist is probably the best person to guide you through how and what you can do to protect yourself and your daughters.
As you strategize as to your next best steps, your goal is to keep clearing as much negative energy and fear as possible. This way, whatever steps you take to move forward, you are coming from the clearest, highest vibration possible.
Did I answer your questions? I’m not sure if you got what you needed, so we can keep talking about this.
Heidi
Hi Jean,
So do you see the story he created around you “ignoring” him? That story is what caused him to have a reaction, no different than you having a story about him saying goodbye. The truth about ALL of our stories is it’s coming from a place of woundedness…our stories we create come from the baggage we carry from our past. Truth is, it’s not YOUR job to make sure he doesn’t feel ignored. That’s part of HIS woundedness and something he probably experienced as a kid. So instead of taking responsibility for how he feels, he points the finger at others who activate the emotional network he is carrying around being “ignored.” The story you created around him not saying goodbye was about not feeling like a priority or important…yes? Have you felt like that in your life a lot? Especially growing up?
I’m taking you down this path of thinking so you can maybe carry a different perspective about what happens when you or he gets triggered. It’s a GREAT learning opportunity about the beliefs and wounds that are carried in the subconscious.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Grace,
Welcome! It sounds like you are really going through a hard time and you are confused as to the next best steps for you.
The first thing that is important to understand is that people will treat us the way we treat ourselves. He ignores you. But if you look inside, you will find that you ignore yourself, therefore he will treat you the way you have been treating yourself for what I imagine to be a very long time. You have all kinds of thoughts and feelings that matter inside of you. You have chosen a guy, for 3 years, who is not interested in being in relationship with your thoughts or feelings. That choice, in and of itself, is you ignoring your thoughts and feelings, because you don’t get to exist with him. So you keep getting mad at him for how he treats you, but truth is, he is just reflecting back to you, how you treat yourself. Does this make sense? Someone who highly values thoughts and opinions, someone who KNOWS they are badass, has a lot to offer and they have standards as to how they are treated – someone like that would not tolerate even 1 date with a guy who chooses his phone over connection with her. Does this make sense? The path to your truth is not in him, it’s inside of yourself. As you start to truly value yourself more and more, people will either align with treating you in the same way or they will fall away. So this journey is about you connecting more to yourself, not about changing him. That will never work. He is who he is and he gets to be that way. So your choice is to either accept him for who he is, or love yourself enough to know that you want a different experience in a relationship and you choose yourself over trying to change him and get connection from him. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh man! You have no idea the reservoir you are tapping into! There is incredible depth into the layers of affirmations. We will just start with skimming the surface. I’ve studied this particular topic for decades and there are a lot of opinions about them. This past year, I FINALLY found the “secret sauce” that is so deep and powerful!
First, I would like to invite you to expand your vision about God. Your sister believing that it’s selfish against God by using “I” too much, is her belief that she knows and understands what God would be feeling. How does she know God would consider that selfish? I have explored God my entire life and the more I learn, the more I realize how expansive, magnificent and unparalleled God is. Not a single person on the face of this earth has the ability to understand the depths of what God is thinking and feeling. What we believe about God, comes from our religions, our society, our books etc. Basically, it all comes from other human beings…which in and of itself means what we are being taught is limited. I personally like to have my very own relationship with God. I take information that I read, lectures I listen to, sermons etc. and then absorb it and experience the information in my life and see how it makes me feel, because ultimately, it’s me and God and no one else. We each have our own relationship with God that is unique to who we are…between “parent and child.” As a mother, if you heard your daughter saying “I want to make this level income, I am resilient, I am courageous, I want to leave a legacy of empowering others, I want to feel more love in my life etc…” would you feel like she is being selfish? Personally, that would just put a GIANT smile on my face to see the ambition of her spirit and to get to watch her dream and believe in her dreams. She is using the creative, powerful forces within her to make the very best life possible, yes? Wouldn’t you be proud??? Just offering another way to look at it. We, of course, can keep discussing this. Remember that your sister’s truth doesn’t have to be your truth. Stay connected to what feels right for YOU.
Now…with affirmations, the secret sauce is to be more attached to the feeling than the outcome. For example, let’s say your goal is to be a millionaire. So if you visualize being a millionaire, what kind of person would you be? How would you feel? How would you live your life? Visualize that and FEEL it! Feel it in your body, your heart, your energy. For me, I would be more playful, silly, I would be extremely giving, I would have a lot of adventures in my life, I would have more massages and take care of my body in the very best ways possible. So…as I FEEL all of that as I visualize it, I then let go of the picture of being a millionaire. Truth is, all those feelings are very possible NOW. It doesn’t take a million dollars for me to get to be that kind of person! So I live as if I am a millionaire. I am not attached to being a millionaire so I can feel all those feelings. So affirmations are the same. They have little to no power if you just say something. They have exponential power if you FEEL them, but then release the picture. So basically, by releasing the picture of “being a millionaire” I am saying to God, I feel all of these wonderful feelings and I want to attract more of those wonderful feelings and I trust I will be cared for and taken care of in whatever way that shows up. So in essence, you are living in the feeling tone, releasing the picture of being a millionaire and letting God have unlimited, expansive creative power in your life. Because God is limitless, right? Why put a cap on His ability to support you? I can’t tell you how many ways I have been provided for in ways I couldn’t even imagine. So again, get into the FEELING of being a millionaire, then live your life as if you already are a millionaire. This is how you source yourself! You are not relying on that money to make you happy and fill you up. You already have everything you need within you NOW. You are abundant NOW. And when you live in that feeling tone and act from that feeling tone, you will be amazed what starts to show up for you – far beyond what you could even imagine.
Goodness, there is so much more, but I’m gonna leave it at that and let you ask your questions 🙂
Heidi
Hi Jean,
I know how tough it can be when you have hurt feelings and you want to communicate them. The very first thing to understand is that your hurt feelings come from a story that you created about his actions. That story you created comes from little to know actual facts, details or understanding about what HE is going through, so in essence, your story and reaction to his behaviors are based on little to no information. Second, it’s important to have the mindset that HE is not responsible for you and your happiness. That is ALWAYS your job. I like to encourage people to really work through forgiveness and the emotions BEFORE having a conversation (if possible). This way, you have cleared as much of the emotional junk as possible and you can have a conversation that is much more clear and not filled with hurt, anger, rejection etc. This helps create higher level communication and understanding about each other.
Looking forward to hearing what happened!!
Heidi
Hey there,
Welcome! It’s sounds like you are searching for more clarity, insight and knowledge. Are you confused about your situation? What are you wanting to “get back” that was never there to begin with?
If you can share more details, we will better be able to offer guidance.
Hope to hear from you!
Heidi
Hey there!
I’m sorry we weren’t able to get to your post before his birthday! What did you end up deciding to do?
I think there is something really powerful and transformation here for you. If you understand that people will treat us how we treat ourselves, you will see the gift in this for you. He is rejecting you, but if you think about it, you reject yourself all the time by playing the “nice girl” and not using your voice and being authentic. How is anyone ever supposed to know who you really are, unless you are yourself, express your needs, wants, boundaries, vulnerabilities etc. All anyone will ever know of you is the mask that you present. This sounds like a strong pattern for you. How do you feel about always being the nice girl and not voicing your thoughts, feelings, opinions etc. What is it that you are most scared of, if you start to be who you really are?
Heidi
Hi Jean,
Welcome! I understand your suspicions about him distancing. I’m wondering if there is something stressful in his life that he is not sharing with you. Especially since the riots here, the tensions have skyrocketed and people, in general, are feeling more tired, stressed and just want to hide. A lot of powerlessness is being activated here in the US. People are wanting to get away and many people are just shutting down emotionally. I have no idea if this is what is contributing to how he is behaving though.
I would not suggest to “confront” him so to speak, but I would suggest to have a conversation. If you go into the conversation with the intent to UNDERSTAND him and what is going on for him and to LEARN about him, the conversation will be much more comfortable for him. For example, you would say something like “I just wanted to check in. I’ve notice you have been more distant lately. We haven’t had as much “us time,” it seems our conversations are a little shorter and then when you left on your camping trip without saying goodbye, it just really made me start to wonder if maybe you have some extra stress in your life or if you feel like you need more space. I’m curious and would love to support you in any way that I can….” This way….you make the conversation about him, you are blaming him for hurting your feelings, you still get to say how you feel, but it won’t be a “pointing the finger at him” kind of talk.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hey there!
Thank you for sharing the article! I see where you may have gotten a bit confused. The article really emphasizes being flexible in not needing “perfect” and expecting and preparing for challenges to show up. I completely agree!!! It’s a great article. The non-negotiable list is NOT about perfection. There is no such thing of course. The non-negotiable list is about the basics – the foundation – you build your relationship on top of. It’s finding someone who brings foundational qualities to the relationship. Relationships are not just about the connection. You have to not only love him, you also have to LOVE the life you create together. That life you create together is like a 3rd entity. It needs nourishment, it needs like-mindedness, it needs creativity, it needs all different kinds of things – depending on the couple. I can’t tell you how many couples I have come across that love each other, but don’t love the life they have created. So that’s where the non- negotiable list is really helpful and powerful. That’s why you need to spend some deep, introspective time with it. Maybe look at it in a different perspective. Instead of looking at qualities he needs to have, look at the qualities of the life you want to create together. Again, these are qualities you CANNOT live without in your life. These are qualities that so core and essential to your wellbeing and happiness. Let’s see where this takes you!
I am currently single – and open to whatever shows up 🙂
It sounds like you are exactly where you need to be for your business! I am so honored to get to be part of your path of exploration in your life!!!
Heidi
