[Heidi G]

Hey there!

Welcome! I’m glad you are here sharing your questions and asking for some help with this.

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this loss, especially with how lonely you are feeling. It’s really hard to deal with loneliness. You are doing what most people do – avoid the loneliness and find someone to fill it. Truth is, you have attracted and are attracted to a man who is not available. I guarantee he has done this before with other women as well. The way he approached you, the way it all has played out, he definitely has done this before. He is NOT interested in a relationship. He is interested in sex and THAT’S IT!

I know you felt connected to him and you felt cared about. That’s what makes him so dangerous. He KNOWS how to connect and lure a woman in. He KNOWS what women need and is very good at giving it to them and opening their hearts, which eventually leads to opening their legs for him. He is DANGEROUS! He is not a safe person. Even if he were not married, he would be the kind of guy to stay VERY FAR away from. He doesn’t respect women. He may actually have a sex addiction problem. There is so much you don’t know about him and will never know about him. My guess is, if you got to know him further, you would discover a HUGE, GIANT mess inside of him.

Whenever you make anyone else your “source” for anything, it muddies the waters. You are making him your source for feeling happy and connected – he helps you avoid feeling lonely. What is he giving to you, that you are not willing to give to yourself? This loneliness that you are wanting to avoid….let’s talk about that. What is it about? What are the other feelings that come up for you when you feel lonely? What kinds of thoughts do you have about being lonely? What does it mean about you if are alone?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Kristina,

Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge with us.

I’m a little confused. You and your ex dated for only 2-3 months, he broke up and now he has been dating another girl for about 1 1/2 years? So you have been hanging onto him all this time? Am I understanding this correctly? What is the current status between you guys? Do you guys ever talk? It sounds like it’s okay to message each other occasionally, but it doesn’t happen that often. And he is currently in a relationship?

I am wondering what is keeping you connected to him. I understand you have a feeling in the back of your mind that you guys are meant to be together. What do you think a relationship would be like with him? You dated for such a short amount of time, so it sounds like you don’t know him very well other than through what he posts on Facebook. What about him makes him so much better than anyone else out there?

You say that he doesn’t ever look happy in his pictures and that the happiest you remember him was when he was with you. Have you ever thought that maybe he doesn’t want to be happy? Maybe he isn’t ready to be truly happy in his life and that’s why he designs his life that way?

Looking forward to getting more details!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hey there!

I want to celebrate you as well! You are doing a GREAT job really looking at yourself through this situation and slowly making some good changes in your thinking. That’s not easy to do! You ordered some GREAT new books, you reached out to a therapist and you are here with us, asking for different perspectives. Wow!!! Well done! You are going to get exactly what you need, which is transforming and evolving into more of who you are. I’m excited for you!

Let’s talk a little more about your fear: “I suppose it’s fear that I will lose him as a future friend since we’re talking some now again, and if I take space and create distance from talking with him now, it might ruin that or something, since he’s started to take small initiatives again, with writing and asking me about things.” What do you imagine your life will be like if he isn’t in it? What story are you telling yourself that generates the fear about him not being in your life? Whenever fear is motivating your decisions, you are not coming from a place of clarity. That’s why Kanya is suggesting to give it break and create some space so you can REALLY feel your fears and other emotions and actually deal with him. If you keep alleviating your fears of losing him by staying connected and keeping the conversation going, it doesn’t really allow you space to feel everything you have going on inside. It’s not to say that you guys can’t still be friends or have a future together, but you want that happen from clarity and wisdom vs. fear. Fear changes the energy and the dynamic. You might find that as you face your fears and feelings, that you really don’t have an interest to be friends with someone like him anymore. You might actually find your life feels much better without him in it. Or…you could face your fears and you discover he is someone you truly want to keep investing in – but again, it’s coming from a clear place and not your fear of losing him. This will make the relationship that much better!

Does this make sense why it’s important to create some space and distance from him?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh I’m so glad to hear how much you love belly dancing! I’m still getting used to it. I can feel a lot of stuck emotions in my body, so the dancing is a really good reflection for me. I agree in that it will be waaaay better in person though. Sooooo much to learn, right?

I love the video you shared. It’s just soooo magical to me! wow!!! To have that kind of talent just blows my mind. How do they even figure it out in the first place that they can do it? It’s such an odd and unusual thing. I never thought about it, but you are totally right…they do still look good, even with all the scrunched up faces they make! Haha!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Roxanne,

Wow! It sounds like it went really, really well. I am so happy to hear that he took ownership of his behavior and that he is really caring about you. I LOVE that! And I glad you got to say everything you needed to say. Well done! What do you think the tears were about?

So how are you feeling? On a deeper level…do you feel like you have forgiven him and ready to move forward? Do you feel there still may be some left over hurt feelings inside? Where are you at now with all of it?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

what do you think of belly dancing??? I started doing that about 2 months ago! A good friend of mine used to be a pro belly dancer, so we decided to work together 2x a week over zoom. She would teach me belly dancing for 30 min and in the last 30 minutes, I would take us through a workout. Wow! I am discovering all kinds of areas in my body where I am NOT coordinated and parts that are shut off…just not moving well. It’s so interesting! Being an athlete my whole life, it’s a humbling experience to not be able to coordinate my body. lol! It’s so good for me! What’s your experience so far?

I love that you went to BJJ. It’s also an important way to feel your body. It’s pure male where belly dancing is pure female. It’s such a great way to get to know your body. I totally laughed out loud when you said you’ve never been in the space with guys who were attractive AND fit! haha! It’s a different experience isn’t it? You are having so many experiences and realizations right now, it’s quite the adventure.

I have also always wanted to learn to sing. I wouldn’t be any good at it, but I did have a client once who was a voice instructor and I was AMAZED at the gazillion ways you can use your voice. wow! I’m on track to become a public speaker and I know that learning to use certain tones of my voice are important, especially speaking for longer periods of time. You just reminded me that I may want to look into that soon and start working with my voice.

Here is an INCREDIBLE video of a very talented guy using his voice:

https://youtu.be/-gHgXmMXvAg

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Vino! Woooohoooo! What an incredible thing you did! I want to celebrate you as well. This was such a big deal that you did all of that and that you spoke! Wow! You truly are becoming so much stronger and connected to your authentic and very powerful self inside. All the work you have been doing is manifesting in your daily life. It’s all paying off! You seriously rock!!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Cissi,

I’m so glad you are coming to some realizations about yourself and that you are finally starting to become interested in caring for yourself in a brand new way.

Thank you for sharing more about your father. This pattern you have (co-dependent) is meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself. Co-dependents tend to find narcissists a lot (narcissism is meeting your own needs at the expense of others) so it’s quite the perfect match as long as the co-dependent person stays in the pattern for the narcissist. We all need to have both qualities that are in balance. In relationships, meeting your own needs at the expense of your partner AND meeting your partner’s needs at the expense of yourself – is important. There are going to be many moments of both and it’s okay! It when those behaviors become more extreme and when someone starts to live in one or the other all the time, that it becomes harmful and damaging.

I find that people grab onto certain patterns because of their personality. So the kind of experiences I had, I turned more narcissistic because of the personality I came into this earth with. You became more co-dependent. You have a GIANT heart. Your ability to connect and care about people is most likely one of your greatest gifts! Our greatest gifts are also our greatest weaknesses. So your wonderful gift in the extreme, has turned into something that is harming you, because fear came into the picture. Your fear of being abandoned and rejected infused into your gift of great compassion and connection. That then causes you to care for and connect to others at the expense of yourself. Your fear of abandonment is the driver – the underlying motivator – for why you care about others at the expense of yourself. So the goal is, to face the fears, heal the abandonment energy and then your gift of caring and compassion for others will still be there, but it will be cleaner. Your motivation to care for others will come more from a place of clarity, you will always include yourself in the equation and you will be much more discerning with who you share your gifts with. You won’t let your fear of being abandoned influence your choices to stay connected way beyond the expiration date.

Does this make sense? Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Bee,

Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge and questions with us! It’s interesting.

My question to you is, what is keeping you connected to him? It’s been 6 looooong years. He is not willing to offer you what you want, so why are you still doing this dance with him?

Honestly, HIS reasons don’t matter. You have no control over him. You only have control over yourself. YOUR reasons for staying in this design is what matters. So share more details about what is keeping you connected to such a rejecting situation? Have you dated anyone else in these past 6 years?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Neelma,

I’m glad you are able to connect to some very hard truths. He sounds like he has some strong narcissistic tendencies. He is blaming you for everything instead of really looking at himself and how he contributed to what happened. He even blamed you when he got caught. Someone who blames others, is someone who is not an effective teammate. They are not able to support and stay connected to their partner in the middle of difficulty. They have such a high need to be right at all costs, that there is no partnership when things get tough.

I know how hurtful this was, but I would say it’s a BIG rescue. He is not someone who can offer a sustainable, healthy, nourishing relationship and I’m glad you are seeing that and fighting for yourself.

Well done!

How are you helping yourself through all of this?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Kayla,

So I’m curious. How do you imagine it being different this time around. Open relationships can be extremely complicated in and of itself, but add on top of that, the other girl wanting nothing to do with you. How do you imagine you guys working all of that out? Do you have any idea as to why he is choosing to be with her instead of you? Did he ever talk about his reasons?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Vino,

I’m so glad you felt like connecting in here and sharing all your new thoughts and experiences! Wow! The way you are talking about yourself is so completely different than you ever have before. You truly are shifting and it’s so exciting!

You are asking some great questions about that dating program and how it ended up making you feel. First, there is no such thing as black and white “rules” or “guidelines” that fit into every situation. However, there are average ways that people tend to show up in relationships. The pattern JB has exhibited would suggest that he has an incredible amount of baggage, could be playing you, may not be who he says he is…how slow he is moving with you raises an incredible amount of red flags. But like I said, each situation is different and unique. You get to choose your own pace. Your need to connect with him far outweighs those red flags, so that’s what is most important to you…and that’s okay! It’s your journey and you are still getting enough from him to stay connected…for today. There are consequences you will eventually experience by ignoring those red flags, but the truth is, you will get through it, figure it out and be the resilient person you are. I have coached hundreds of ladies in relationships and I’ve just learned that no matter the evidence, no matter the conditions, no one can tell another person when they are done. So I’ve learned to respect their process and trust that whether it’s painful, toxic, fantasy or whatever it is…there is goodness in it and my job is help them find it and maximize the benefits of their choice and support them through the consequences that show up.

I do want to talk a bit about this statement you made: “But every single time a woman moves on from one man, the next woman who dates that man, will have to wait longer for the man to learn to trust her! So, when you get to a man in his late 40s or 50s… you’ve got a very beaten up man! So… just move on??!! to be honest i can’t think of any logical reason for a man to WANT to be in a relationship with a woman! Women are more pain that it’s worth!!!” I want to address this because in reality, none of it is actually true. Men are NOT victims of women. Men do not have trust issues because of women’s choices and vice versa. Trust issues exist because the person harmed has not forgiven and healed. Reality is, all of us are going to mess up, cause harm, make bad choices that hurt our partners. It’s our job to keep learning and doing better and it’s the job of our partners to forgive, release and heal. If a guy has trust issues, it’s on him. If a guy feels beaten up from women in his life, that’s on him – he is the one choosing the women, so there are lessons in it for him. Humans are a pain – not just women. We ALL come to the table with our baggage, our limitations and all of our greatness. I still want to keep encouraging you to find your connection with the feminine energy. It’s such a big part of who you are! I have no doubt you have some great things to say about this 🙂

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Roxanne,

I’m soooo glad it worked out that way! It’s good!

I completely understand your frustration about how he is just disappearing and not letting you know and you how you have already asked 3 different times. What if this time around, you asked him about it. Use your “reporter” mindset and instead of asking for what you need, imagine trying to get into his brain and work on understanding the deeper layers behind his choice to just disappear without you knowing. I’m partly wondering if he is being passive-aggressive. I’m sure that in the moment when you are requesting for his communication, he truly agrees and wants to support you that way. But then, when his emotions get intense enough, his passive-aggressive behaviors will take over and he will not communicate, because that’s exactly what you want from him. Does this make sense at all? Does he tend to exhibit passive-aggressive behaviors when he is upset at all?

So again, ask him questions about what his experience is like when he feels he has to just disconnect and disappear. Do what you can to understand his world and what he is going through. Hopefully, he is willing to share. And I would also suggest trying something different maybe. What if you no longer requested this from him. What if you said something along the lines of “Well, it sounds like it is such a stressful experience for you and the last thing I want to do is add to that stress. I will be okay when you disappear again. It will make it much easier if you just let me know, but even if you don’t, I get it.” I know this would be hard for you, but the reality is, he is going to do what he wants, so it comes down to your choice if you want to tolerate this behavior or not.

Another idea is to maybe suggest a different approach. Instead of needing him to communicate through words, maybe ask him if he would be willing to send you an emoji that is specifically designated to communicate he is leaving for a bit. Sometimes people are willing to do something that simple. When emotions are high enough, trying to communicate and think about what to say can be overwhelming, but if there is some type of simple, brainless “symbol” to communicate what’s happening, it’s much easier.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Roxanne!

I love your text! It’s great! I would still recommend not to suggest a time though. You are letting him know you are ready to come to the table and then you want HIM to come to the table only when he is ready. This is important for both you and him. It’s important he volunteers to step up. It’s important, as a man, that he leads. It’s important, as a man, that he feels it’s HIS idea to start the “meeting.” So again, end your text with saying something like “I’m here whenever you are ready. Just let me know.” Does this make sense?

Everything you want to say and how you are saying it sound great! I would just add in there a specific technique. It’s basically “This is my perception and how I am experiencing this. What is your perception? How do you experience it when I respond like this?” One of the BEST ways to flow through figuring stuff out, is to have on your reporter’s hat. Imagine you are writing an article about it. You need DETAILS. You need to get inside his head as much as possible. So as you navigate trying to design a new way of relating, you ask a lot of questions, about HIM. You get really curious. You want to LEARN about him. Men respond to this really well. They feel listened to, validated and since he tends to feel you are controlling (that’s his perception) he will feel much more like you are listening vs. trying to get him to be a certain way.

Remember these 4 steps:
1. Listen – no talking and truly absorb the energy of what he is saying
2. Validate – this is not about being agreeable. It’s about honoring that he has his story and perception and it’s what is real for HIM. So validating just means you are honoring his experience.
3. Get curious and ask questions about his feelings
4. Problem solve

Steps 1-3 are interchangeable. You want to hang out at those 3 steps first and foremost. THEN you can head into problem solving. This is true for all conflict resolution.

Is this helpful?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Whoa!!! OMG! I just want to take a moment and celebrate you!!! You are doing some HUGE work and facing some of your greatest fears right now. What a moment in time. You are actually shifting. You are no longer just thinking about it, you are taking action. You are using your voice, you are making decisions that are respectful and honoring to yourself, your time, your talent and what you offer. This is seriously spectacular! I am totally doing my happy dance right now for you. This is such a HUGE shift and I am just so proud of you. I LOVE everything you are doing. You are allowing yourself to exist in the situation with MJ now instead of just doing and agreeing to everything he says. Woooohoooo!!!! I have a huge smile right now.

Okay…let’s address the other stuff now:
“Do you have any advice on how to overcome this failure feeling? What should I say to myself when this happens again?” I view failure as just something that didn’t work, but has many lessons for me. So is it really failure then? Failure is my teacher, that’s all. It’s truly that simple. I know we all are so afraid of failing because of the pain and suffering it can activate in us, but what if you just changed the story about what failure is? It’s inevitable and it’s always a part of life. But it’s a GOOD thing. There are things that failure can teach us, that nothing else can – therefore it’s extremely valuable. I am more attached to my growth than I am trying not to fail. Failure is important, necessary and part of our human experience. So what if your mom failed your dad’s connection. So what if you were not able to stay at the #1 spot for MJ. Many times, failure is rescuing us from further chaos. Soooo many times I have looked back and saw that my “failure” actually saved me from staying in something way past the expiration date. Many times failure creates an ending before things get waaaaay worse. This supposed failure with MJ is helping you wake up more to who he is. This failure with MJ is helping you take him off that pedastal you had him on and you are seeing him more and more for who he REALLY is. Whenever you do stop and think about him and all the wonderful things he is and you find yourself getting caught up in that loop of fantasy, remind yourself ALSO of who he is not. Whenever we truly see someone, it’s about ALL that they are, not just the good stuff. If we are going to truly love someone, be connected to someone, we need to see the best parts and the worst parts TOGETHER. Sooooo many people get pulled back into relationships or choose relationships based on all the good about their person. True, authentic connection is based on the FULL picture. It helps keep us grounded, it helps keep us out of the fantasy and it keeps the relationship grounded in reality. Make sense?

“I need to be strong and hold them accountable to be their best self” – this is NOT your job. What does being “strong” even mean? What would that look like in your life? Remember, you don’t need to be anything for anyone else. Your guy can be his best self, even in many moments when you are not so strong. Your guy is solid and doesn’t need you to be anything FOR him. He just needs you to be yourself. He can take care of himself. How does this concept feel for you?

“Also, I feel that I am good at putting a poker face to MJ or guys in general to seal any interest until I am sure about their interest to me and how their character is. I feel that I need to change this. I think leaving my “agreeable girl” image could get messy at first, like you said, MJ is not used to it but if our friendship or relationship is real, he shouldn’t mind me being my real authentic self right?” Correct. If he does mind, then you will learn more about him. He has been used to you being a certain way for quite awhile, so he may have a bit of a protest kind of response, but that’s normal. It’s not to say that he won’t adjust to it. It might take a bit of time, but in the end, you will gain more respect because that is what you are now requiring – because that is how you are treating yourself. He will either align with that or he will fall away. Either way, that is about his path. One of my favorites quotes: “I fill myself up with love and send that out into the world. How others respond is their path, how I respond is mine.” Bottom line is, how you show up in the world and treat people and yourself is all that matters. People will have varying responses to that. It sometimes is good feedback and sometimes senseless feedback. Regardless, you still have to like who you are. There are MANY times I have made decisions that caused someone to hurt, that made me appear to be selfish, uncaring, unkind etc. I’ve heard it all. I’ve understood their perception, but I still stayed strong in knowing what was right for me. I had to be okay that they were hurting. I had to be okay that they were going to have a story about me that I couldn’t change or control. It’s tough, I’ll tell ya, but each time it brought me closer to myself as I chose to love, respect and honor what I needed. I didn’t betray or abandon myself to another person’s needs. That’s integrity. Does this make sense?

I’m going to address your list tomorrow. It still has a lot of that flavor of “wanting.” We’ll talk more about it though.

Heidi

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