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Hey there!
Wow…you shared soooo many of your wonderful thoughts, it’s great! There is A LOT to unpack here, so I’m just going to go through some things that really popped out.
“I don’t know why I end up finding “unavailable” guys more attractive somehow.”
This is actually quite common amongst the females. Many guys know that if they treat the girl like “shit” (in other words, be emotionally unavailable), the girl will end up chasing them – and so much of that is true! I know treated you well, but he still is unavailable, so the concept still applies. I won’t go into the layers of why that technique actually works, as I could write a whole book about it. What you need to understand is the basics though. The behavior and situation you accept is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. So picking guys who are unavailable tells you how much you are not very kind and loving towards yourself. I used to have this issue. I only dated the “hard to get” kind of guys. I never was treated poorly, but I definitely had an attraction to that “bad boy” type – the guys that always had a line of girls after him – that guy who knew it and that guy who you could never “get” because he was so emotionally blocked off and carrying a ton of wounds – hence the “bad boy” energy. Super super long story short, I KNEW that was the kind of guy I wanted because if I actually got their attention, I was FINALLY valuable enough. It was a huge self-esteem boost. This pattern was created by having an unavailable father. Basically, I lived with a lot of low self-esteem in certain areas of my life and I did what most people do and searched for the guys to give it to me. It wasn’t until I started to truly care about how I was treated, truly care about my heart and value my heart, that I was able to change my pattern. I switched from “bad boy” conossuer to being attracted to the nice guys. Before I shifted, I used to try to date nice guys and I had a pattern of only lasting 2 weeks before “boredom” set in. The boredom was just a symptom of my very muddied up subconscious beliefs about love, about myself and about men. So…you have your own muddied up subconscious that drives you to find guys that are unavailable, because you basically don’t feel safe to do anything otherwise. What you wrote here: “I think I am also afraid of what would happen if I seriously started dating a single guy – what if he’s not the right one and i end up wasting time and emotions?” This statement is a strong clue about beliefs and fears you are carrying around with you. Truth is, there is no one “right one.” There are many “right ones.” I’ve fallen in love a handful of times over my life. I’m in my mid 40s and single. I LOVE my life. I don’t mind a bit still being single. My life is so full of great people, great activities, I’m learning and growing a lot and I feel very complete. Whenever a guy shows up that actually inspires me to want to have a long term experience with, it will be because he ADDS TO my life – not because he fills any holes I feel. That’s the recipe for success. Does it guarantee longevity or “forever?” Nope…nothing guarantees that. Love is a risk any which way you look at it. It’s just the reality. It’s scary, it’s unpredictable and it’s so darn powerful and beautiful and it can transform you if you let it. Even though it is a risk and scary, it’s about trusting yourself that you are resilient. You can handle it if something doesn’t work out. You can handle it if a relationship falls apart. You can handle when your boyfriend hurts you. All that pain you are so scared of, actually offers you many moments to get to know yourself, get to know the wounds you carry and get to develop a skill set that helps you process the pain. That’s if you want to grow and learn from the lessons life brings you.Maybe I’m so desperate for affection that I’m even ok with a sex-only “relationship”. YEP! You are spot on about this!
I think about how I have “descended” to this, when in the past I used to stay strictly away from married and attached guys – but somehow I am numb – maybe the cynicism has taken over. Numbness is a sign of you protecting your heart from feeling everything that you carry. It’s a more extreme version of emotional survival. By the time someone gets to numbness, they have been through soooooo much in their lives, that their emotional system has to “shut down.” It’s a HUGE RED FLAG! You don’t want to be numb about anything! You need to fight for yourself and work on releasing all that you are carrying inside and healing the wounds that brought you here in the first place – if you ever want a chance at having a healthy relationship. As long as you stay numb, as long as you keep going for guys that are unavailable and not caring about your own heart and not caring about how your choices are affecting other people, you will spend many more years feeling lonely and numb and never attract the kind of experience you truly want with a man.
I’ve said a lot and there is so much more to say. Thoughts??
Heidi
Hi Dalia,
Thanks for sharing more information. If you want a committed relationship with him, that means you need to behave in a way that supports the kind of relationship you want with him. Committed relationships have a higher form of communication. It’s deeper and it’s more connective. So this is the perfect time to really test this out. You get to learn about him and who he is when you ask him questions like this. If you do not feel safe just saying and being yourself, then I wonder why you want a committed relationship with a guy you don’t feel safe to be honest with.
Face your fears and talk to him about it and find out what you guys are made of. If you lose him over this, then it’s good information to have about him. If you guys get through this, then it will only bring you closer. But by doing NOTHING and suffering inside all by yourself, you get nowhere.
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
I’m so sorry. It IS exhausting! The way the relationship is set up is – you don’t get to exist. His PTSD is running the entire relationship. It causes you to stay silent and it causes you to constantly betray your voice, your feelings and needs. The thing is…he gets to be that way. It’s your choice to participate in this design and it’s not a surprise considering you grew up that way. Staying silent is a pattern you are used to, so you ended up accepting and receiving a guy who matches that pattern for you. It’s safe, if you really think about it. If you stay silent, there is hardly any contradiction or confrontation. You ignore your needs and just let him exist and run the show. This is safe and allows you to just sit in the background and be anonymous…which is how you learned to survive as a child.
I’m so glad you are sharing all of this! If you are ready to change this pattern of yours, it means saying goodbye to living this way and it means saying goodbye to this guy as he will not be able to support you…he only knows how to support himself.
Heidi
Hi Vino!
I love the “feeling cherished” part you came across. You explained it soooo well! “a Knowing so deep, that the little things that flare up and get us annoyed at each other, drop into that Knowing and fizzle out – like dropping matches into an ocean.” What a beautiful analogy! Imagine treating yourself this way! All the limiting beliefs and judgments are so small and insignificant compared to the VAST love you have for yourself.
Let’s talk about what you said before: “I know that i cannot have a casual relationship with him.” “So…. it’s a very good thing that we’re going slow! Phone calls were a good addition – it’s an easy thing to step back from… and it’s also an easy thing to add to – by frequency or kind of topics, etc etc.” The thing is Vino, the “actions” may be slow, but your heart is not slow at all. I don’t know about JB, but I do know women, in general, tend to REALLY latch on and offer their hearts to a man without requiring much more than attention and connection. Truth is, if he were to ghost you and “break up” and end all connection, you would be devastated. There would be NOTHING easy about you taking a step back. You would have a flood of hurt emotions and you would need to deal with everything that comes with a normal break up. Truth is, JB occupies your mind A LOT. Truth is, he is a very powerful and influential person in your life and you are very connected to him. You put all your eggs in HIS basket. AND…you have never even met him and who knows when you will. His slow pace has nothing to do with you. His slow pace has everything to do with HIM. Again…red flags here. My educated guess is he is full of some kind of fear that would prevent him from meeting you in person…or anyone for that matter. Who knows what that fear is, but what it does tell you, is that fear is dominating and controlling his life in a BIG way. And that’s okay! The fear is not the actual red flag. It’s how he deals with is, that makes it a red flag and you never truly know that about someone until you are in relationship with them and see how they function in their life. The little we do know is that the fear is pretty big and strong enough that he has built a fortress around his heart – which essentially makes him quite unavailable emotionally in many, many ways. You haven’t even begun to experience the full impact of how he protects himself. But that’s okay Vino. I get that you are still learning from him. I get that he is offering enough at this point and he is enough for you and where you are at right now. Every path has a purpose. Every path has gifts and lesson. Every path has consequences. Every path brings you closer to expansions if you choose to let it.
“There’s also a lot more control when you’re writing to each other, because you can take your time with a response, and delete all the things that don’t sound right. But when you’re talking… you can’t delete anything anymore or even think things through for a few hours before responding. So… there’s less control… more anxiety.” I get 100% of what you are saying here. It is easier to write. There is more control. Reality is though, it’s not a real relationship. Real relationships are in person and dealing with each other’s limitations and working through them IN PERSON. The safety you feel with JB is somewhat based in fantasy and an illusion about how you guys connect and interact. The interactions you are having with him may very well not translate into real person experiences. Or it may! Who know…you won’t know untol he is willing to meet you.
My intention is not to put a negative spin on JB. Again…I LOVE everything you are doing and learning right now and JB is definitely a part of that process. These are just some things to think about and be aware of, as it helps you get to know yourself, start to understand your deep subconscious and how it influences what you choose in your life and most of all, it helps you be more loving and compassionate with yourself – which is the beautiful journey you are on.
Heidi
Hi Dalia,
Would you mind sharing more details? It helps us know how to better guide you.
What is your current status? Are you guys talking? Dating? Friends with benefits? How long have you been dating? Are you wanting a committed relationship with him?
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome! I’m glad you are here sharing your questions and asking for some help with this.
I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this loss, especially with how lonely you are feeling. It’s really hard to deal with loneliness. You are doing what most people do – avoid the loneliness and find someone to fill it. Truth is, you have attracted and are attracted to a man who is not available. I guarantee he has done this before with other women as well. The way he approached you, the way it all has played out, he definitely has done this before. He is NOT interested in a relationship. He is interested in sex and THAT’S IT!
I know you felt connected to him and you felt cared about. That’s what makes him so dangerous. He KNOWS how to connect and lure a woman in. He KNOWS what women need and is very good at giving it to them and opening their hearts, which eventually leads to opening their legs for him. He is DANGEROUS! He is not a safe person. Even if he were not married, he would be the kind of guy to stay VERY FAR away from. He doesn’t respect women. He may actually have a sex addiction problem. There is so much you don’t know about him and will never know about him. My guess is, if you got to know him further, you would discover a HUGE, GIANT mess inside of him.
Whenever you make anyone else your “source” for anything, it muddies the waters. You are making him your source for feeling happy and connected – he helps you avoid feeling lonely. What is he giving to you, that you are not willing to give to yourself? This loneliness that you are wanting to avoid….let’s talk about that. What is it about? What are the other feelings that come up for you when you feel lonely? What kinds of thoughts do you have about being lonely? What does it mean about you if are alone?
Heidi
Hi Kristina,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge with us.
I’m a little confused. You and your ex dated for only 2-3 months, he broke up and now he has been dating another girl for about 1 1/2 years? So you have been hanging onto him all this time? Am I understanding this correctly? What is the current status between you guys? Do you guys ever talk? It sounds like it’s okay to message each other occasionally, but it doesn’t happen that often. And he is currently in a relationship?
I am wondering what is keeping you connected to him. I understand you have a feeling in the back of your mind that you guys are meant to be together. What do you think a relationship would be like with him? You dated for such a short amount of time, so it sounds like you don’t know him very well other than through what he posts on Facebook. What about him makes him so much better than anyone else out there?
You say that he doesn’t ever look happy in his pictures and that the happiest you remember him was when he was with you. Have you ever thought that maybe he doesn’t want to be happy? Maybe he isn’t ready to be truly happy in his life and that’s why he designs his life that way?
Looking forward to getting more details!
Heidi
Hey there!
I want to celebrate you as well! You are doing a GREAT job really looking at yourself through this situation and slowly making some good changes in your thinking. That’s not easy to do! You ordered some GREAT new books, you reached out to a therapist and you are here with us, asking for different perspectives. Wow!!! Well done! You are going to get exactly what you need, which is transforming and evolving into more of who you are. I’m excited for you!
Let’s talk a little more about your fear: “I suppose it’s fear that I will lose him as a future friend since we’re talking some now again, and if I take space and create distance from talking with him now, it might ruin that or something, since he’s started to take small initiatives again, with writing and asking me about things.” What do you imagine your life will be like if he isn’t in it? What story are you telling yourself that generates the fear about him not being in your life? Whenever fear is motivating your decisions, you are not coming from a place of clarity. That’s why Kanya is suggesting to give it break and create some space so you can REALLY feel your fears and other emotions and actually deal with him. If you keep alleviating your fears of losing him by staying connected and keeping the conversation going, it doesn’t really allow you space to feel everything you have going on inside. It’s not to say that you guys can’t still be friends or have a future together, but you want that happen from clarity and wisdom vs. fear. Fear changes the energy and the dynamic. You might find that as you face your fears and feelings, that you really don’t have an interest to be friends with someone like him anymore. You might actually find your life feels much better without him in it. Or…you could face your fears and you discover he is someone you truly want to keep investing in – but again, it’s coming from a clear place and not your fear of losing him. This will make the relationship that much better!
Does this make sense why it’s important to create some space and distance from him?
Heidi
Oh I’m so glad to hear how much you love belly dancing! I’m still getting used to it. I can feel a lot of stuck emotions in my body, so the dancing is a really good reflection for me. I agree in that it will be waaaay better in person though. Sooooo much to learn, right?
I love the video you shared. It’s just soooo magical to me! wow!!! To have that kind of talent just blows my mind. How do they even figure it out in the first place that they can do it? It’s such an odd and unusual thing. I never thought about it, but you are totally right…they do still look good, even with all the scrunched up faces they make! Haha!
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
Wow! It sounds like it went really, really well. I am so happy to hear that he took ownership of his behavior and that he is really caring about you. I LOVE that! And I glad you got to say everything you needed to say. Well done! What do you think the tears were about?
So how are you feeling? On a deeper level…do you feel like you have forgiven him and ready to move forward? Do you feel there still may be some left over hurt feelings inside? Where are you at now with all of it?
Heidi
what do you think of belly dancing??? I started doing that about 2 months ago! A good friend of mine used to be a pro belly dancer, so we decided to work together 2x a week over zoom. She would teach me belly dancing for 30 min and in the last 30 minutes, I would take us through a workout. Wow! I am discovering all kinds of areas in my body where I am NOT coordinated and parts that are shut off…just not moving well. It’s so interesting! Being an athlete my whole life, it’s a humbling experience to not be able to coordinate my body. lol! It’s so good for me! What’s your experience so far?
I love that you went to BJJ. It’s also an important way to feel your body. It’s pure male where belly dancing is pure female. It’s such a great way to get to know your body. I totally laughed out loud when you said you’ve never been in the space with guys who were attractive AND fit! haha! It’s a different experience isn’t it? You are having so many experiences and realizations right now, it’s quite the adventure.
I have also always wanted to learn to sing. I wouldn’t be any good at it, but I did have a client once who was a voice instructor and I was AMAZED at the gazillion ways you can use your voice. wow! I’m on track to become a public speaker and I know that learning to use certain tones of my voice are important, especially speaking for longer periods of time. You just reminded me that I may want to look into that soon and start working with my voice.
Here is an INCREDIBLE video of a very talented guy using his voice:
Heidi
Vino! Woooohoooo! What an incredible thing you did! I want to celebrate you as well. This was such a big deal that you did all of that and that you spoke! Wow! You truly are becoming so much stronger and connected to your authentic and very powerful self inside. All the work you have been doing is manifesting in your daily life. It’s all paying off! You seriously rock!!!!
Heidi
Hi Cissi,
I’m so glad you are coming to some realizations about yourself and that you are finally starting to become interested in caring for yourself in a brand new way.
Thank you for sharing more about your father. This pattern you have (co-dependent) is meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself. Co-dependents tend to find narcissists a lot (narcissism is meeting your own needs at the expense of others) so it’s quite the perfect match as long as the co-dependent person stays in the pattern for the narcissist. We all need to have both qualities that are in balance. In relationships, meeting your own needs at the expense of your partner AND meeting your partner’s needs at the expense of yourself – is important. There are going to be many moments of both and it’s okay! It when those behaviors become more extreme and when someone starts to live in one or the other all the time, that it becomes harmful and damaging.
I find that people grab onto certain patterns because of their personality. So the kind of experiences I had, I turned more narcissistic because of the personality I came into this earth with. You became more co-dependent. You have a GIANT heart. Your ability to connect and care about people is most likely one of your greatest gifts! Our greatest gifts are also our greatest weaknesses. So your wonderful gift in the extreme, has turned into something that is harming you, because fear came into the picture. Your fear of being abandoned and rejected infused into your gift of great compassion and connection. That then causes you to care for and connect to others at the expense of yourself. Your fear of abandonment is the driver – the underlying motivator – for why you care about others at the expense of yourself. So the goal is, to face the fears, heal the abandonment energy and then your gift of caring and compassion for others will still be there, but it will be cleaner. Your motivation to care for others will come more from a place of clarity, you will always include yourself in the equation and you will be much more discerning with who you share your gifts with. You won’t let your fear of being abandoned influence your choices to stay connected way beyond the expiration date.
Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Bee,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge and questions with us! It’s interesting.
My question to you is, what is keeping you connected to him? It’s been 6 looooong years. He is not willing to offer you what you want, so why are you still doing this dance with him?
Honestly, HIS reasons don’t matter. You have no control over him. You only have control over yourself. YOUR reasons for staying in this design is what matters. So share more details about what is keeping you connected to such a rejecting situation? Have you dated anyone else in these past 6 years?
Heidi
Hi Neelma,
I’m glad you are able to connect to some very hard truths. He sounds like he has some strong narcissistic tendencies. He is blaming you for everything instead of really looking at himself and how he contributed to what happened. He even blamed you when he got caught. Someone who blames others, is someone who is not an effective teammate. They are not able to support and stay connected to their partner in the middle of difficulty. They have such a high need to be right at all costs, that there is no partnership when things get tough.
I know how hurtful this was, but I would say it’s a BIG rescue. He is not someone who can offer a sustainable, healthy, nourishing relationship and I’m glad you are seeing that and fighting for yourself.
Well done!
How are you helping yourself through all of this?
Heidi
