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Hi Emilie,
Wow! Your heart must have sank upon reading that for the first time. Tell me more about what your initial reaction was. What were your thoughts? What were your feelings?
Your response was great! I love that you closed it out with wanting to talk in person. SO IMPORTANT! He will have some time to really consider what is happening for him. You made some really good points, you were very adult about it and not crazy emotional at all and also talked from a space of truth and clarity. I bet he appreciated it.
Now that you have had some time to live with this, what are you doing with this information you have? He is not as invested as you are, right now. It sounds like you are in a place of wanting to go deeper and that you DO have those feelings for him…and he does not. BUT….like you said, it sounds like you both truly appreciate each other. I remember it starting out really strong, but I’m really wondering if his lack of feelings is connected to the stress of everything that has happened in the world and how everything has changed. I’ve hear that quite a bit actually. COVID has disrupted every aspect of life and men, being so much more linear thinkers than dynamic feelers like women, can easily shut down and go into survival mode – which means they don’t have much access to their feelings. Generally speaking, men don’t handle relationships and feelings very well at all, when stress is higher – especially when it triggers survival instincts.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Wow! This is surprising news! What a really fun update! It sounds like you guys are having a great time getting to know each other. I LOVE that you are taking it slow (in your mind) and waiting until you guy meet up. So he lives in the same area as where you live? What app did you meet on?
So tell us a bit more about him. He said he would go to church with you, but it doesn’t sound like he is particularly a guy who is a Christian. What are his spiritual beliefs?
Does he have any kids? What depth of conversation are you guys going to? It sounds like he is playful and fun. Is he able to be serious and talk about deeper things as well? I LOVE that he is expressive and not afraid to tell you what he feels about you. Any “caution flags” you have noticed yet?
Heidi
Hey there!
So when it comes to people, it is EXTREMELY difficult to find a person who doesn’t have an issue with money in some form or fashion. This is a bit of a tricky subject to navigate. Let’s first get clear though. If I understand correctly, the non-negotiable is a guy who makes enough money that he can support himself and he does not rely on anyone to help him out. It would just be a bonus if he made enough money to be able to support the “family” which is you and your kids – but this aspect is NOT a non-negotiable…am I understanding this correctly?
As far as money issues, they come in all shapes and sizes. For example, he may not overspend, but what if he is so frugal that he doesn’t really know how to spend money? Or what if he has a tendency to buy a lot of stuff? Or what if he tends to give it away a lot? Money, like love, like food, like health etc. is an area that people ALWAYS have issues with. It’s inherent and comes from our parents and our experiences growing up then gets more and more shaped by life experience. What would be a good thing is for you to take a look at your own relationship with money. What areas are you really great with money and what areas could use some work?
Heidi
Hi Kim,
So what does this mean for you? What are you going to do to help yourself focus more on yourself and get your needs met instead of looking at him to make you feel better? What is your plan?
Heidi
One day at a time, right? Sometimes 1 breath at a time…I hope you were able to make space in your house in the way you needed to.
So here is something to pay attention to. It’s the language of your subconscious. You sometimes feel like a “burden.” That has nothing to do with them, right? It’s all inside of you and there is a story about you feeling like a burden somewhere – and it tends to get activated every once in awhile. My suggestion is, instead of looking to the other person to “re-assure” you so you can feel better about the situation, why not dive deeper into that story and explore it more? Your goal is to transform that “burden” story into a story that you are valuable and worth knowing…all of you, not just parts of you – and re-assure yourself.
It’s a lot of work, I know. You are working on soooo many things in your life right now and doing some incredible stuff. I just wanted to point out 1 more way to get to know yourself.
Heidi
It sounds like he is still learning a lot about himself. The younger years are A LOT about exploring and trying different things, dating different kinds of people and really figuring out who the heck you are. People end up bringing out different sides of us and that is why dating different kinds of people is really helpful in learning more about yourself. My guess is, he is just being a typical person his age. It sounds like you were more interested in being more serious and building a future together. My guess is that was not really his mindset.
Him needing to have another experience is about HIM and has nothing to do with you. He is just not in the same place as you are and not in a place where he wants to settle down and sounds like that is maybe where your mindset is. Is that correct?
Heidi
Hi Marie,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing all your thoughts and what is happening for you. It’s a lot!!!
I understand the love you have for him and I understand your DEEP desire to help him through what is happening for him. There are some things I see that you are not quite understanding about him and his behavior. Let me break it down a little more for you.
There is this thing called the “upper limit.” Dr. Harville Hendrix talks about it. It’s the limit that we allow ourselves to be happy and it’s directly connected to how much low self-esteem we have. The greater the low self-esteem, the lower the limit – our ability to be happy. I see it play out in relationships all the time. Things are going really well, the connection is deepening and then all of a sudden, 1 person will start to sabotage in some form or another. This brings drama and disconnection into the relationship which keeps that person BELOW their “upper limit” of happy. When someone actually starts to get what they want, it takes them closer and closer to that upper limit. Once that upper limit is reached, their psyche will not allow them to pass that limit, so it then becomes time to sabotage to get far away from that limit. The only way to break through that upper limit is to do deeper work on the wounds, the low self-esteem and the limiting beliefs that are there. My educated guess is, your guy doesn’t believe or feel safe to be happy in a relationship. The moment he puts you on a pedastal and him below you, he is setting himself up for failure. So because he most likely doesn’t believe that he can be happy for a sustained amount of time, he will ruin it. He most likely believes it’s better to just end it now before things get too serious or you guys get more bonded – it’s kind of like ending things early, since they are going to end anyways. Does this make sense to you??? It’s A LOT of hard work raising your upper limit. I used to have a low upper limit and I consciously saw myself sabotaging and I watched myself ruin so many perfectly wonderful experiences. It tools a handful of years to really clear enough gunk out to finally fight for my happiness instead of ruin it.
I’m curious…you say you want to help him before it’s too late. Too late for what? What are you worried about?
Let’s look at this a little more objectively. Here is a guy, divorced and shattered and unhappy in his life and has a limit as to how long he invests in a relationship. Then you come along and he is happy, but ruins it and you stick around and want to help PULL him out of his funk and “save” him. Does this sound like a healthy design for a relationship to you? It’s not your job to save him. It’s HIS job to save himself. You trying to come swoop him up and give him the courage and hope and energy to fight for his life, is actually just enabling him to stay in his funk even longer. He has to find it within himself, to fight for a better life. Otherwise, if he just plugs into your energy to live a better life, what happens when you can’t be there for him? What happens when you actually need him to help you? It’s a formula waiting for disaster.
I understand you love him and of course care deeply about him and his wellbeing. He can barely take care of himself and care about his own needs and you want him to care about your needs and be present in a relationship?? He has a lot of baggage that isn’t going away anytime soon, so it’s about accepting this is how he WANTS and CHOOSES to live his life. Can you accept this without needing him to change?
Heidi
Hi Dalia,
Oh man!!! That must have come as a shock to you!!! I’m soooo glad you finally approached the subject!! Think about it…you are seriously dodging a bullet on this one! YOU were the one that had to bring it up for him to be honest. He didn’t have enough strength to be authentic and honest with you when his feelings shifted. He is a CHICKEN!!! You don’t want a guy like that holding onto your heart. It’s not safe. Honest communication is one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship. He showed you that he doesn’t have the strength to be honest himself and that he needed YOU to bring it up. Yuk! It would have turned into a seriously high maintenance relationship for you!
That being said, it doesn’t change that it hurts and that you were surprised by it. You invested in him and he didn’t follow through. It’s gonna sting for a little bit. What kinds of things can you do for yourself right now that are nurturing and supportive of your broken heart? What can you do to increase the laughter? The comfort? The joy? The pleasure? Every day, you need to be filling yourself up with things that nourish your heart. What’s your plan?
Heidi
Hi Nadine,
It’s good to know you are working on your insecurities! It’s a forever process isn’t it?? This has been a good opportunity for you to discover where there are still some unresolved issues still hanging out.
As far as your text to him, I would again suggest to stay away from your feelings about him, your situation and what you want. Your message is not the type of message that most guys respond to. Let’s break this down a bit:
“Looking back at our experinces together, I ended up really looking at my part in it and I would love to share with you how I believe I understand fully why you walked away and how you were taking care of your needs.” Guys naturally don’t want to sit down with a girl they just broke up with so she can share with him her experiences. It’s a gushy, possibly complicated conversation where he will imagine she is going to share ALL her feelings and hope that he joins her. This is just not how most guys are built.
“I just wanted to let you know that I miss you and our connection and I would like to find out where what we started can take us. You enrich my life in so many ways and I would love a fresh start between us, taking things slow. I have many more adventures for us in mind 😉 I am excited to hear your thoughts on that.” Again…guys typically don’t find it enjoyable to talk about the relationship. In this paragraph you are talking about getting back together and starting up a relationship again and wanting to talk about it. This approach doesn’t inspire a guy to want to connect. If anything, it will push him away. Remember, guys like to chase. Guys respond to a woman who is internally strong. He has an impression about you that you are needy. This message has a bit of that flavor to it with wanting to talk all about your feelings and his feelings and everybody’s feelings. Guys interpret that as needy and too emotional for them.
Your first step is to just make contact, not ask for anything from him and show your inner strength.
So here may be another text you like instead.
“Hey…it was nice running into you the other day. I know it was a bit awkward since we just broke up. It’s okay though. I’m all good and wanted to you to know that I have nothing but good thoughts and appreciation for you. I learned a lot about myself being with you – and still learning! It’s good for me. Anyways, if you are ever up to grab a coffee or something at some point, I’m game! Otherwise, know I am always sending you good vibes. Take care.”
How does that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Britanny,
Have you met any of his friends? What are they like? Has he had any recent challenges with his job? Do you suspect at all that he met someone else?
Usually when there is a sudden shift like that, something has happened that you most likely don’t know about. Men tend to get super spooked when something goes wrong with their jobs or they are facing something pretty big they don’t feel ready for. Getting married and having a child that is unexpected is a HUUUUUGE deal. How old are you guys?
Is there a plan that has been talked about where he is going to move out? At this point, what are the next steps you guys have planned for now that you are broken up?
Heidi
Hi Sandeep,
It sounds like you feel that her being an extrovert means she is maybe more fun for him than you are? I also am an introvert and let me tell ya…being an introvert is a very powerful thing! What’s most important, more than anything, is that your partner VALUES everything about you. Your partner should appreciate and love that you are introverted. He should value your honesty, your authenticity and he should absolutely have NO hesitations whatsoever, that you are a good match for him.
For whatever reason, this guy doesn’t feel this way. So my question is, what makes you want to fight for a guy who doesn’t see you like a sparkling diamond that he wants to treasure and value and take care of with everything he’s got?
Do you feel that you are possessive? Can you see why he might be feeling that way?
Heidi
Hi Amy,
I would like to encourage you to make a different kind of list. Instead of looking at the outcomes, it’s much more powerful and clear if you look at the kind of person you are choosing. Outcomes are unpredictable and there is no way you could even predict all the possibilities.
What is MOST important is that when you are deciding whether or not to let someone deeply into your heart, your life, your essence, you have to really look at their character, both positive and negative and see how they size up to being the kind of person/partner/boyfriend that suits you BEST. It means looking at their very best and very worst qualities and KNOWING you could respect, love and value all of it. It’s being able to look at the WHOLE person and accept them exactly as they are and not needing them to change, in any way, shape or form and you would feel completely nourished, cherished and valued.
So, I think one of your biggest challenges with this guy is you barely know him. You don’t know his TRUE character. You live far apart from each other, have only been dating for 7 months of which 4 of those months he was gone. It doesn’t sound like you have even met in person…and you are already considering him to be the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? AND you are only 21. With just those factors alone, I want to encourage you to slow down your thinking about this guy. Putting your life on hold for a guy who is across the country, not really responding much and in a phase where he is trying to figure out his life after coming home – and hoping that he will change at some point – what advice would you give your girlfriend??
Keep being friends with him, but I would also encourage you to keep the door open to other possibilities. I know he made you feel pretty special and it makes you want to hold onto him and wait for him. That is such a SMALL aspect of who he is. Build a friendship to get to know him, if he is willing and keep dating around. Keep your options open. What’s the rush to be in a long term relationship anyways? You are so young and have sooooo many experiences waiting for you. Marriage is not something you want to rush into. Now is the time where you need to be exploring who the heck you are in your very brand new phase of adulthood. I spent my 20s dating all different kinds of guys from different cultures, sizes and shapes, different interests etc. I always encourage people to do that BEFORE they settle down, so they really get a sense of who they are in front of all different kinds of people. Falling in love is spectacular for sure and I get your desire to have that experience. It’s not going to be with this guy anytime soon. So why not open the door back up to other possibilities? You can still keep the door open for him, but you are also not putting your life on hold for him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Amy,
So it sounds like you are guys are agreeing to just be friends, yes? Do you live in the same area or has this been long distance the whole time?
How are you feeling about your choice to end things? It sounds like it was quite amicable, which is nice. What are your thoughts about the next steps? Are you hoping to get back together? Or are you okay with letting him go as your future “person?”
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I’m so glad you finally cleaned out your tub! Hopefully you enjoyed a nice soak in it and will continue to keep it clean so you can keep using it! I love that you are loving your class and discovering new parts of yourself! Well done! You truly are on a path towards expanding your world.
As far as how you can make money in this world, let’s look at that a little bit. One place to start is by really looking at what kinds of environment you thrive in. For example, do you prefer following or leading? Do you prefer being more solo or working with a group of people? Do you have a preference as to being outside or having a lot of windows around or could you be in a Wearhouse and be totally good with that? Do you like having projects or do you like to work on your own timeline? Do you feel like you need or desire to help people directly or are you okay indirectly? How would you like to spend your day? Do you prefer to start work early and end early so you can play the rest of the night or vice versa? Would you prefer to make your own schedule or follow a schedule? How much variety do you require? How much money do you want to bring in? Lastly, what do you believe you brought to your last job, that a high schooler would not be able to offer. What qualities do you feel set you apart? Basically, these are all questions to help you connect to how you want to feel in your day. For me, I HAVE to make my own schedule and be my own boss. I am an entrepreneur. I need the freedom to design my day exactly the way that I want. I need variety, I need connection to the outdoors and I like to work the first half of my day and play the second half. Hopefully this gives you a little direction to start with…then we can dig deeper into the “how.”
As far as taking away JB’s freedom, that’s impossible. Don’t even give it a second thought. If he feels his freedom is being taken away, that is HIS responsibility to deal with, not yours. You just keep the focus on yourself, your healing and just being who you are. If he wants to define being in a relationship as his freedoms being taken away, then he gets to believe that and he can stay single. In a healthy relationship, freedom is expanded, not contracted. If it’s contracted, it’s a sign of things being out of balance and needs to be addressed and worked through. So again, don’t worry about his experience. He is a grown man and can take care of himself and can ask for what he needs. If he doesn’t, then that is information you need to know about him, isn’t it?
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
Wow…I really commend you for standing up for yourself and then disconnecting. Well done!!! I know it’s not easy. There are a lot of layers when it comes to breaking off from someone you really invested in. I’m so glad you are seeing all the gifts, lessons learned and having good hindsight about the red flags you chose to ignore. You will definitely be much more cautious next time…AND it doesn’t change the grief and hurt you have to go through. This video is quite informative and may also give you some insight into yourself. Hope it helps 🙂
Heidi
