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oops! Totally forgot to post the link: https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/conflict-management/
First and foremost, to be respectful in an argument means the person is kind and respectful to themselves first and then they naturally treat others that way. So that means they listen well and they have a curiosity about the situation and their partner’s experience and their own experience of what is happening. They are interested in staying connected with their partner MORE than their need to be right. There’s no name-calling or criticizing or use of harmful words. So with that being the foundation, arguments can take many shapes and that’s okay. Does this help?
Okay – glad you get the tech savvy part. So let’s talk a little more about your statement: resourceful enough to create his own independence to function as a responsible man. What is a “responsible man” to you? What does it mean to create his own independence?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Yes, your feelings are childish because it literally is child energy that is feeling what you are feeling. HOWEVER, never ever discount them as being silly, stupid or insignificant. ALL your feelings matter and have a purpose. You dismissing them and making fun of yourself is your adult side not understanding the core, root reason for what you are feeling. People don’t feel things just because. People feel things ALWAYS because it is connected to a memory and a story about that memory from some other time and it’s just stored in the subconscious. So every feeling we have is a clue and a link to the subconscious. I guarantee you, if you were to really sit with yourself and what you are feeling, you would find that there are valid reasons for your feelings. Whether you take that path or not, I want to encourage you NOT to dismiss them and make fun of yourself. All that does is bury them again and they will just re-appear for a later time. Instead, talk to that side of yourself. Journal about it, let that side have a voice and let that side matter. Treat your feelings with the utmost kindness, compassion and respect as every little feeling matters…ALWAYS! How you are handling your feelings is with judgment.
I totally get how you the old you is wanting to pop back in. It takes MANY hundreds of repetitions for old patterns to go silent and the new ways of thinking to become dominant. I love that you connected to a brand new fear. Most of us are so conditioned to have fear when things are going so well. We don’t trust how well things are going – especially when it comes to relationships and love. Keep working yourself through it. Every time this thought comes forward, say to yourself “I’m okay right now. Things are really peaceful right and that’s okay. I have permission to feel peaceful in a relationship. It’s safe to feel peaceful in a relationship etc.”
And…even though there isn’t much communication at the moment, why not send him a quick message like “Hey…just wanted you to know I’m smiling right now as I was thinking about you. Looking forward to Saturday :)”
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I get it. It’s so hard when we feel our person start to pull away and not connect as much. It’s pretty normal to wonder if they miss us, how much we actually matter to them and us ladies tend to think a lot, “Well…if he REALLY cared, or if he REAllY missed me, he would….”
Of course, part of that statement is true, but it’s also not true. He is having a completely different experience where he is at and having a very different story than you do about the level of interaction you guys are having right now. That’s why a conversation is worth having, at some point. Until then, it’s a great opportunity for you to connect with the part of yourself that is feeling frustrated. If you really allowed yourself to feel that frustration, I imagine you would connect even deeper to a part of yourself feeling sad and alone and not fought for and not chosen. Spend some time with her! Love her! Validate her!!! Do the work on yourself that you know how to do. I know you are only feeling it a few times a day, but I imagine it’s bigger than you think. You have so much going on right now, that you are quite distracted. So that little girl part of you is popping up a few times a day to let you know she needs some of your attention. It’d be wise to pay attention, otherwise it will just compound and become bigger and bigger.
Heidi
Okay great! So let’s talk about this computer and tech-savvy thing. First, it’s important to realize that your experiences with tech-savvy limited men were with men you didn’t feel safe within general, correct? Second, your irritation is a form of judgment, which is about YOU, not them. Third, to believe that a guy who is not tech-savvy is not as much fun, is a false belief. It just exposes a “program” you have running in your mind. So this belief you have going on is not really connected to truth.
Here is a scenario for you. What if you met a guy who was an internationally known speaker. He taught people how to know themselves deeper and to improve self-love and he was very good at it. People love him! He is a dynamic speaker, he is connective, his information helps peoples’ lives and he is very successful. He sucks at computers though, so he just hires people to do that part of it for him. Working with computers is not one of his best areas of intelligence, but he is high in other areas. It’s just how he was born. But he loves, values and cherishes you deeply. He is successful, he is powerful and he makes you feel your most expansive self and vice versa. Are you going to tell me that you would pass up this guy, because he wasn’t tech savvy?
Okay, about how you guys “argue.” You are nice to give 2 days! I’m all about resolving things quickly, but of course there are just some things that need to be discussed over a period of time. Issues get resolved so much faster the deeper someone knows themselves and the better they are at working with their reactions. The bottom line is, even in the worst moments, no matter how they show up, respect and kindness need to be a the core of how you treat each other. The foundation is safety. You want to feel safe and for them to feel safe with you as you argue. MOST IMPORTANT!!! So how you portrayed this arguing was great! Here are some great blog posts that cover a lot of different topics about conflict. Dive into it a little bit deeper and let me know what you think!
Thank you for referring your friend!!! I hope she joins us!
Heidi
Hi Marina,
Welcome to the forum. We are glad you are here sharing your questions with us. Let’s see what we can do to help.
First and foremost, it is soooooo important to understand yourself, your tendencies and your behaviors through this. Your insecurities really put a lot of pressure on him and I imagine, that as amazing as you are, he may have felt a bit overwhelmed at with your neediness. I say neediness because that is what it feels like to a guy when a girl gets upset if he isn’t as responsive or connective as she would like. Combine that with the stress of the job, it’s a HUGE load to handle, especially for a man. A man’s career is everything to him. They experience their careers very differently than women do. I have found that when a man is not quite settled or peaceful in his career, he is AWFUL in a relationship. ALL his focus is about work, what to do etc. and it consumes him. Being that he is now wanting to focus on starting a new business, I imagine he may feel like he just wants to focus and not be “pulled at” by a woman who is “needing” his attention. This is just an educated guess about what might be happening for him right now.
So it’s important for you to really look at your neediness and your insecurities that showed up for you when he pulled away a little bit. Where did those feelings come from? I imagine this is a pattern of yours in relationship. It sounds like a pattern that originated in childhood. Have you ever really looked at it from that perspective?
I want to encourage you to address this, because it’s not just going to disappear. These exact same insecurities will show up again and again and again until you address them. If you want to fight for him and you want him to feel peaceful and confident with you that you are okay and solid if he isn’t always connecting the way you want, then you need to get to know and work on the insecurities that show up. He won’t want to walk back into the same kind of design. You accused him of breaking your trust and put him in the situation of having to “earn” your trust back, when in reality, he was just honoring what he felt in the moment – and that is a healthy thing. He should have left early if he didn’t feel comfortable and wanted to slow things down. He gets a gold star for his choice! That is the kind of man you want! You want a guy who listens to himself and is willing to take action to support his own needs – even if it hurts your feelings.
Does this make sense?
When you text him next, I would suggest staying away from talking about your feelings. I would stick to creating a new vision for him. For example “Hey there. I just wanted to apologize. Looking back at our experiences together, I ended up really looking at my insecurities. Insecurities really suck, don’t they? 🙂 Anyways, I really connected to how I ended up putting my insecurities in your hands to fix – and that just is not okay. That is not the kind of person I want to be. Those are for me to handle and deal with and not for you. I actually respect that you walked away early on my birthday weekend. You were honoring what your needs were, even though it hurt my feelings at the time. Well done! That takes strength and it just shows me you have good boundaries and you take care of yourself well. I could actually do a lot better in that category for myself, so I am working on that. So again, I just wanted to apologize for my messiness. I miss our friendship so I am still here if you would like to reach out. I would also love to support you through building your new business, so feel free to reach out and bounce ideas off of me. Hope you are well!”
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Emmi,
Well done! I want to commend you on paying attention to this!!! Most people just push things like that under the rug. NOT GOOD!
So there COULD be something going on here. It’s worth investigating for sure. It sounds like his love language is through acts of service and/or quality time. His words of affirmation is on the low side. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check this out: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
My guess is, he has a lot of fear. He most likely has an incredible amount of fear around being vulnerable, authentic and honest with his feelings. Why? Who knows. Have you talked about family history? What’s his relationship like with his siblings and parents? What’s his past relationship history? What wounds is he carrying around about love?
I know for me, when I was younger, I definitely would not express my feelings. I kept them inside all the time. Guys would be the ones telling me they missed me and sometimes I would say it back so I didn’t cause an awkward moment. Then I learned to just say “thanks. It’s nice to be missed.” Now…I can actually FEEL that I miss someone. I had so many fears and so much baggage around being vulnerable, that I actually didn’t FEEL a lot of things. I’m wondering if he is dealing with the same thing on some level, so he uses words that agree with you, but aren’t really in alignment with him. I’m wondering if he is responding like that to give you a little something to say in return, which is better than admitting to him not feeling anything at all. BUT…just because he may not miss you in the same moment you miss him, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. He obviously is enjoying your company and completely enjoys creating things with you. The deeper and more connected you guys become, the more the fear will show up. So what you are sensing is the BEGINNING of his fear showing up. Whether or not he is connected to it, who knows.
Either way, your suspicions are worth exploring and paying attention to. You are not being picky, you are being SMART to pay attention. This is your heart we are talking about! It deserves to be honored, protected and cared about in the way you deserve, so when you pay attention to symptoms like this, you are just being cautious and aware about the kind of person you are inviting into your life.
If this makes sense to you, I’d be happy to share ways that you can begin to uncover what is happening for him, without him really knowing it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emmi,
Well done! I want to commend you on paying attention to this!!! Most people just push things like that under the rug. NOT GOOD!
So there COULD be something going on here. It’s worth investigating for sure. It sounds like his love language is through acts of service and/or quality time. His words of affirmation is on the low side. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check this out: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
My guess is, he has a lot of fear. He most likely has an incredible amount of fear around being vulnerable, authentic and honest with his feelings. Why? Who knows. Have you talked about family history? What’s his relationship like with his siblings and parents? What’s his past relationship history? What wounds is he carrying around about love?
I know for me, when I was younger, I definitely would not express my feelings. I kept them inside all the time. Guys would be the ones telling me they missed me and sometimes I would say it back so I didn’t cause an awkward moment. Then I learned to just say “thanks. It’s nice to be missed.” Now…I can actually FEEL that I miss someone. I had so many fears and so much baggage around being vulnerable, that I actually didn’t FEEL a lot of things. I’m wondering if he is dealing with the same thing on some level, so he uses words that agree with you, but aren’t really in alignment with him. I’m wondering if he is responding like that to give you a little something to say in return, which is better than admitting to him not feeling anything at all. BUT…just because he may not miss you in the same moment you miss him, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. He obviously is enjoying your company and completely enjoys creating things with you. The deeper and more connected you guys become, the more the fear will show up. So what you are sensing is the BEGINNING of his fear showing up. Whether or not he is connected to it, who knows.
Either way, your suspicions are worth exploring and paying attention to. You are not being picky, you are being SMART to pay attention. This is your heart we are talking about! It deserves to be honored, protected and cared about in the way you deserve, so when you pay attention to symptoms like this, you are just being cautious and aware about the kind of person you are inviting into your life.
If this makes sense to you, I’d be happy to share ways that you can begin to uncover what is happening for him, without him really knowing it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
ha! You sure are going down the rabbit hole. Well done! I’m glad you are connecting to this truth. Yes…it’s your imagination. JB has always been a fantasy and always will be until you guys actually interact in person.
I think that you have imagined and wanted a guy for so long that JB keeps you company. From what I know about you through this forum, there are a lot of empty places inside of you and you, like all of us do, try to find ways to fill up those holes. JB fills up some holes for you. That’s why you keep the idea of him alive. Anytime we use and source, outside of ourselves, to fill those holes…we have to make sure that outside source stays active somehow. That’s the problem with using outside sources…they fail. Always. The goal in life, is to fill those holes yourself, from the inside. That way, when people fail you, it doesn’t break you, send you into depression or anxiety, send you into a tailspin of low self-esteem or emotional over-reactions. It’s like being the oak tree of your own life. Oak trees are DEEPLY rooted and strong. So when a storm comes by, it’s solid, fluid and still standing once the storm passes. Someone who uses other people, things, jobs, money etc. (outside sources) to fill their holes, their oak tree is NOT rooted very deep and therefore when the storm happens, they fall over and disconnect from their strength, power and the truth of who they are. The good thing is, we can always get back up, right? My oak tree has fallen over MANY times, but each time I grow deeper roots…so now I don’t fall over so easily. And when I fall over again, I know how to recover so much faster these days because I am getting better and better at filling my holes myself.
I guarantee that if JB were not there, you would be missing the presence of your kids. You may even be filling your mind with JB so much BECAUSE you miss your kids, so JB keeps you company. It’s a web in there!!!
I applaud you for making these new connections for yourself!
It’s sooooo so sad that people are poisoning cops. It blows my mind! I can’t even imagine feeling okay causing harm to another human being. People that are so angry and respond in that way are being no different than the cops who have caused harm. It just saddens my heart deeply. Imagine angel wings wrapped around JB as he goes out into the world.
Heidi
Hi Sade,
I get that you wish you never would have asked him. But I think it was good for you to get a reality check as to his mindset. Connecting to the level that you guys were connecting, was deep. It’s a very natural response to want to deepen it more, especially for us ladies. We are so much more built that way than most men. It’s so GOOD that you asked. It’s so important to use your voice and ask for your needs. Yes, there is always a risk of rejection and changing things, but it’s you fighting for yourself instead of staying silent and keeping everything in. That’s NOT the way to build any kind of healthy relationship.
Of course he misses you. He will absolutely be feeling the absence of you in his life. You matter. You have made an impact on his life. You guys spent sooo much time together and bonded through friendship, laughter, sex and created a lot of fun memories. Give yourself more credit!!! Just because he isn’t contacting you, doesn’t mean you don’t matter to him. You aren’t contacting him now either, but it doesn’t mean you don’t care. He is having his own experience on the other side, trying to figure out how to navigate this change in your relationship, just like you. I guarantee it.
I get how scary this all is, but it’s good practice. It won’t be the last time you go through something like this. So look at this as a good learning opportunity. The first thing to learn is that your feelings are valuable, deserve to be expressed and heard and deserve to be paid attention to….BY YOU!!!! No matter the outcome!! DO NOT use this experience as a reason to stay silent in the future! You are worth fighting for, your needs are worth fighting for – period. There will be many people who will not agree with you, fight for you, not like your feelings or needs – that’s just part of life. DO NOT give other people the power of defining your worth and value. DO NOT give other people the power to cause you to shrink in your life! So what if he doesn’t respond! You are more than that! You can heal from the hurt. Besides, if that is the kind of person he wants to be, better for you to know that now. You don’t want someone in your life who isn’t willing to talk with you through awkwardness, feelings etc. If he just runs from that, then let him run! He doesn’t deserve you or your friendship and you will have learned more about who he is.
So…I suggest to clear the air with him and have a conversation, but having clarity first is important for you. I’m still not clear on what you want. You say you want things to go back to normal, but I don’t know what that means for you. You don’t want to go back to be intimate right? You just want to go back to being friends? Let’s be real here…that’s not possible right now. You still have feelings for him, so as long as those feelings are there, friendship is out of the picture. You will just end up torturing yourself every time you are around him – but you get to do that! I’ve done that a handful of times in my life and it’s hard. Having a crush on a guy that doesn’t reciprocate is just plain hard.
So if you were to talk with him again, what do you want to say? What do you want from him?
Heidi
Hi Cassie,
I know I haven’t been involved in this thread, but I just wanted to check in. It’s been about a week and you are getting more and more practice living with this new mindset of staying more open. How is that going for you? I’m curious about what kinds of things are you noticing in your relationship that might be different. How are YOU feeling?
Heidi
Hi Kathryn,
Welcome! We would love to help you navigate this in the very best way possible.
I just have a few questions.
1. How was your visit with him in person? Did he come to visit you or you went to him? How long was your visit? How far apart are you guys?
2. Help me understand your conversation a little more. When you said you spilled your guts, do you remember at all what you said? It’s such a bummer because talking about something so vulnerable and so deep while being drunk is near impossible, so I imagine it just created an awkward situation more than anything. I’m curious why you felt you couldn’t talk to him sober. I know alcohol is “liquid courage” but I’m wondering what is happening in you that you are not sharing your feelings authentically. I know he has been going through a lot in his life, but that does not change giving yourself permission to say how you feel.
3. I’m not clear as to what you want from him exactly. You don’t know this guy very well. It’s only been 3 months and it’s all been long distance with 1 in-person visit. There is soooooo much you do not know about him. Are you willing to slow down and allow more time to get to know each other before giving him your heart and really stepping into something more serious with him?
4. I know he is distant, but he back at his brother’s and it sounds like that is a very draining place for him. It might be the time to just simply focus on giving him space, supporting and connecting with him when he is able to and making sure you are “adding” to his life, so he can feel that you are helping through this challenging time vs. pulling energy from him. Now that he has a job, I imagine he will be looking for his own place soon, yes?Heidi
I’m glad that resonates for you. I really want to encourage you to get a journal. I too am able to get much more out through typing, but that’s why I like journaling. It slows me down. My hand actually gets tired after writing just one page. It’s so funny! I remember being a kid and writing pages and pages as computers didn’t exist yet. Anyways, writing just takes you to a different place. I FEEL differently when writing in my journal. Different and more deep feelings get accessed for me while writing compared to typing on my computer. It’s pretty common for people to have that experience and there’s a whole reason why, which I don’t need to get into right now. You may find it more therapeutic…or you may not. Who knows, but give it a chance. Go to the store or go online and look for a journal that is beautiful. That journal is going to hold your memories, your emotions, your feelings, your stories both good and bad. Find a journal that is worthy of holding such valuable and sacred words and energy!
Heidi
Okay…got it.
First, make it a guideline and commitment to yourself that you honor your deeper feelings / questions / conversations by doing it in person or over the phone, at the very least. You asking him that type of question over text was not honoring to you, more than anything. It’s a serious and deep question. It’s a very vulnerable question. My guess is, you did it over text because you knew that and texting was a way to try to avoid asking in person and dealing with his response. It’s easier to deal with rejection over text than in person, right? You just threw in that question while planning for a movie. Your feelings are worth more than that! Value them and treat them with respect and honor, as they are meaningful and important.
What would you like to do? You have his answer. He is not ready for more than how you guys were. He viewed you as a friend with benefits situation. How do you feel about that? Is that a design you are willing to continue? I do suggest that you do not step back into that design with the hopes he will change his mind later on down the road. It needs to be a clear decision that you feel good about and not hoping for anything more.
So again…what do you want?
Heidi
I also want to recommend a book: “the hard questions” by Susan Piver. It’s super small and simple, yet quite powerful. I think it will help you on this journey.
Heidi
Hey there,
I totally get the ups and downs of releasing the feelings you have for him. That’s a pretty normal and common experience. Some days are good, some days suck. Some moments you are laughing and other moments the tears come pouring out! Here is the most important thing to remember through this process. Your emotions are NOT facts. Your emotions match a certain story you are telling yourself about what happened. Your story about abandonment, your story about tears, your story about being pitied. These stories have all the emotions attached to them and then take you on that rollercoaster ride. It’s just how we all behave in life. The skill is being able to recognize that they are emotions connected to a story and you have the power to change that story and shift it. I like to recommend completing the story. For example, you might have the story “I miss him. He made my life so much better. I miss laughing with him….AND….he is NOT emotionally available, he is not caring for me in the way I deserve and I want more.” So whenever you tell yourself a story, make sure it ends with the TRUTH. When you keep ending it short of the truth and reality of the situation, you will just keep looping back to same thought. So you end up fueling the fire “missing him” as you go down memory lane vs. stopping the story by finishing with “He is not enough for me.” This is one of a million techniques of course. Does this resonate for you? Maybe try actual writing vs. typing for right now? Writing actually can be very therapeutic and accesses a very different part of the brain. Just a thought.
Heidi
