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Hi Emmi,
Well done! I want to commend you on paying attention to this!!! Most people just push things like that under the rug. NOT GOOD!
So there COULD be something going on here. It’s worth investigating for sure. It sounds like his love language is through acts of service and/or quality time. His words of affirmation is on the low side. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check this out: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
My guess is, he has a lot of fear. He most likely has an incredible amount of fear around being vulnerable, authentic and honest with his feelings. Why? Who knows. Have you talked about family history? What’s his relationship like with his siblings and parents? What’s his past relationship history? What wounds is he carrying around about love?
I know for me, when I was younger, I definitely would not express my feelings. I kept them inside all the time. Guys would be the ones telling me they missed me and sometimes I would say it back so I didn’t cause an awkward moment. Then I learned to just say “thanks. It’s nice to be missed.” Now…I can actually FEEL that I miss someone. I had so many fears and so much baggage around being vulnerable, that I actually didn’t FEEL a lot of things. I’m wondering if he is dealing with the same thing on some level, so he uses words that agree with you, but aren’t really in alignment with him. I’m wondering if he is responding like that to give you a little something to say in return, which is better than admitting to him not feeling anything at all. BUT…just because he may not miss you in the same moment you miss him, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. He obviously is enjoying your company and completely enjoys creating things with you. The deeper and more connected you guys become, the more the fear will show up. So what you are sensing is the BEGINNING of his fear showing up. Whether or not he is connected to it, who knows.
Either way, your suspicions are worth exploring and paying attention to. You are not being picky, you are being SMART to pay attention. This is your heart we are talking about! It deserves to be honored, protected and cared about in the way you deserve, so when you pay attention to symptoms like this, you are just being cautious and aware about the kind of person you are inviting into your life.
If this makes sense to you, I’d be happy to share ways that you can begin to uncover what is happening for him, without him really knowing it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emmi,
Well done! I want to commend you on paying attention to this!!! Most people just push things like that under the rug. NOT GOOD!
So there COULD be something going on here. It’s worth investigating for sure. It sounds like his love language is through acts of service and/or quality time. His words of affirmation is on the low side. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check this out: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
My guess is, he has a lot of fear. He most likely has an incredible amount of fear around being vulnerable, authentic and honest with his feelings. Why? Who knows. Have you talked about family history? What’s his relationship like with his siblings and parents? What’s his past relationship history? What wounds is he carrying around about love?
I know for me, when I was younger, I definitely would not express my feelings. I kept them inside all the time. Guys would be the ones telling me they missed me and sometimes I would say it back so I didn’t cause an awkward moment. Then I learned to just say “thanks. It’s nice to be missed.” Now…I can actually FEEL that I miss someone. I had so many fears and so much baggage around being vulnerable, that I actually didn’t FEEL a lot of things. I’m wondering if he is dealing with the same thing on some level, so he uses words that agree with you, but aren’t really in alignment with him. I’m wondering if he is responding like that to give you a little something to say in return, which is better than admitting to him not feeling anything at all. BUT…just because he may not miss you in the same moment you miss him, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. He obviously is enjoying your company and completely enjoys creating things with you. The deeper and more connected you guys become, the more the fear will show up. So what you are sensing is the BEGINNING of his fear showing up. Whether or not he is connected to it, who knows.
Either way, your suspicions are worth exploring and paying attention to. You are not being picky, you are being SMART to pay attention. This is your heart we are talking about! It deserves to be honored, protected and cared about in the way you deserve, so when you pay attention to symptoms like this, you are just being cautious and aware about the kind of person you are inviting into your life.
If this makes sense to you, I’d be happy to share ways that you can begin to uncover what is happening for him, without him really knowing it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
ha! You sure are going down the rabbit hole. Well done! I’m glad you are connecting to this truth. Yes…it’s your imagination. JB has always been a fantasy and always will be until you guys actually interact in person.
I think that you have imagined and wanted a guy for so long that JB keeps you company. From what I know about you through this forum, there are a lot of empty places inside of you and you, like all of us do, try to find ways to fill up those holes. JB fills up some holes for you. That’s why you keep the idea of him alive. Anytime we use and source, outside of ourselves, to fill those holes…we have to make sure that outside source stays active somehow. That’s the problem with using outside sources…they fail. Always. The goal in life, is to fill those holes yourself, from the inside. That way, when people fail you, it doesn’t break you, send you into depression or anxiety, send you into a tailspin of low self-esteem or emotional over-reactions. It’s like being the oak tree of your own life. Oak trees are DEEPLY rooted and strong. So when a storm comes by, it’s solid, fluid and still standing once the storm passes. Someone who uses other people, things, jobs, money etc. (outside sources) to fill their holes, their oak tree is NOT rooted very deep and therefore when the storm happens, they fall over and disconnect from their strength, power and the truth of who they are. The good thing is, we can always get back up, right? My oak tree has fallen over MANY times, but each time I grow deeper roots…so now I don’t fall over so easily. And when I fall over again, I know how to recover so much faster these days because I am getting better and better at filling my holes myself.
I guarantee that if JB were not there, you would be missing the presence of your kids. You may even be filling your mind with JB so much BECAUSE you miss your kids, so JB keeps you company. It’s a web in there!!!
I applaud you for making these new connections for yourself!
It’s sooooo so sad that people are poisoning cops. It blows my mind! I can’t even imagine feeling okay causing harm to another human being. People that are so angry and respond in that way are being no different than the cops who have caused harm. It just saddens my heart deeply. Imagine angel wings wrapped around JB as he goes out into the world.
Heidi
Hi Sade,
I get that you wish you never would have asked him. But I think it was good for you to get a reality check as to his mindset. Connecting to the level that you guys were connecting, was deep. It’s a very natural response to want to deepen it more, especially for us ladies. We are so much more built that way than most men. It’s so GOOD that you asked. It’s so important to use your voice and ask for your needs. Yes, there is always a risk of rejection and changing things, but it’s you fighting for yourself instead of staying silent and keeping everything in. That’s NOT the way to build any kind of healthy relationship.
Of course he misses you. He will absolutely be feeling the absence of you in his life. You matter. You have made an impact on his life. You guys spent sooo much time together and bonded through friendship, laughter, sex and created a lot of fun memories. Give yourself more credit!!! Just because he isn’t contacting you, doesn’t mean you don’t matter to him. You aren’t contacting him now either, but it doesn’t mean you don’t care. He is having his own experience on the other side, trying to figure out how to navigate this change in your relationship, just like you. I guarantee it.
I get how scary this all is, but it’s good practice. It won’t be the last time you go through something like this. So look at this as a good learning opportunity. The first thing to learn is that your feelings are valuable, deserve to be expressed and heard and deserve to be paid attention to….BY YOU!!!! No matter the outcome!! DO NOT use this experience as a reason to stay silent in the future! You are worth fighting for, your needs are worth fighting for – period. There will be many people who will not agree with you, fight for you, not like your feelings or needs – that’s just part of life. DO NOT give other people the power of defining your worth and value. DO NOT give other people the power to cause you to shrink in your life! So what if he doesn’t respond! You are more than that! You can heal from the hurt. Besides, if that is the kind of person he wants to be, better for you to know that now. You don’t want someone in your life who isn’t willing to talk with you through awkwardness, feelings etc. If he just runs from that, then let him run! He doesn’t deserve you or your friendship and you will have learned more about who he is.
So…I suggest to clear the air with him and have a conversation, but having clarity first is important for you. I’m still not clear on what you want. You say you want things to go back to normal, but I don’t know what that means for you. You don’t want to go back to be intimate right? You just want to go back to being friends? Let’s be real here…that’s not possible right now. You still have feelings for him, so as long as those feelings are there, friendship is out of the picture. You will just end up torturing yourself every time you are around him – but you get to do that! I’ve done that a handful of times in my life and it’s hard. Having a crush on a guy that doesn’t reciprocate is just plain hard.
So if you were to talk with him again, what do you want to say? What do you want from him?
Heidi
Hi Cassie,
I know I haven’t been involved in this thread, but I just wanted to check in. It’s been about a week and you are getting more and more practice living with this new mindset of staying more open. How is that going for you? I’m curious about what kinds of things are you noticing in your relationship that might be different. How are YOU feeling?
Heidi
Hi Kathryn,
Welcome! We would love to help you navigate this in the very best way possible.
I just have a few questions.
1. How was your visit with him in person? Did he come to visit you or you went to him? How long was your visit? How far apart are you guys?
2. Help me understand your conversation a little more. When you said you spilled your guts, do you remember at all what you said? It’s such a bummer because talking about something so vulnerable and so deep while being drunk is near impossible, so I imagine it just created an awkward situation more than anything. I’m curious why you felt you couldn’t talk to him sober. I know alcohol is “liquid courage” but I’m wondering what is happening in you that you are not sharing your feelings authentically. I know he has been going through a lot in his life, but that does not change giving yourself permission to say how you feel.
3. I’m not clear as to what you want from him exactly. You don’t know this guy very well. It’s only been 3 months and it’s all been long distance with 1 in-person visit. There is soooooo much you do not know about him. Are you willing to slow down and allow more time to get to know each other before giving him your heart and really stepping into something more serious with him?
4. I know he is distant, but he back at his brother’s and it sounds like that is a very draining place for him. It might be the time to just simply focus on giving him space, supporting and connecting with him when he is able to and making sure you are “adding” to his life, so he can feel that you are helping through this challenging time vs. pulling energy from him. Now that he has a job, I imagine he will be looking for his own place soon, yes?Heidi
I’m glad that resonates for you. I really want to encourage you to get a journal. I too am able to get much more out through typing, but that’s why I like journaling. It slows me down. My hand actually gets tired after writing just one page. It’s so funny! I remember being a kid and writing pages and pages as computers didn’t exist yet. Anyways, writing just takes you to a different place. I FEEL differently when writing in my journal. Different and more deep feelings get accessed for me while writing compared to typing on my computer. It’s pretty common for people to have that experience and there’s a whole reason why, which I don’t need to get into right now. You may find it more therapeutic…or you may not. Who knows, but give it a chance. Go to the store or go online and look for a journal that is beautiful. That journal is going to hold your memories, your emotions, your feelings, your stories both good and bad. Find a journal that is worthy of holding such valuable and sacred words and energy!
Heidi
Okay…got it.
First, make it a guideline and commitment to yourself that you honor your deeper feelings / questions / conversations by doing it in person or over the phone, at the very least. You asking him that type of question over text was not honoring to you, more than anything. It’s a serious and deep question. It’s a very vulnerable question. My guess is, you did it over text because you knew that and texting was a way to try to avoid asking in person and dealing with his response. It’s easier to deal with rejection over text than in person, right? You just threw in that question while planning for a movie. Your feelings are worth more than that! Value them and treat them with respect and honor, as they are meaningful and important.
What would you like to do? You have his answer. He is not ready for more than how you guys were. He viewed you as a friend with benefits situation. How do you feel about that? Is that a design you are willing to continue? I do suggest that you do not step back into that design with the hopes he will change his mind later on down the road. It needs to be a clear decision that you feel good about and not hoping for anything more.
So again…what do you want?
Heidi
I also want to recommend a book: “the hard questions” by Susan Piver. It’s super small and simple, yet quite powerful. I think it will help you on this journey.
Heidi
Hey there,
I totally get the ups and downs of releasing the feelings you have for him. That’s a pretty normal and common experience. Some days are good, some days suck. Some moments you are laughing and other moments the tears come pouring out! Here is the most important thing to remember through this process. Your emotions are NOT facts. Your emotions match a certain story you are telling yourself about what happened. Your story about abandonment, your story about tears, your story about being pitied. These stories have all the emotions attached to them and then take you on that rollercoaster ride. It’s just how we all behave in life. The skill is being able to recognize that they are emotions connected to a story and you have the power to change that story and shift it. I like to recommend completing the story. For example, you might have the story “I miss him. He made my life so much better. I miss laughing with him….AND….he is NOT emotionally available, he is not caring for me in the way I deserve and I want more.” So whenever you tell yourself a story, make sure it ends with the TRUTH. When you keep ending it short of the truth and reality of the situation, you will just keep looping back to same thought. So you end up fueling the fire “missing him” as you go down memory lane vs. stopping the story by finishing with “He is not enough for me.” This is one of a million techniques of course. Does this resonate for you? Maybe try actual writing vs. typing for right now? Writing actually can be very therapeutic and accesses a very different part of the brain. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Sade,
Welcome!
Of course you are confused and dumbfounded! It’s frustrating and hurtful isn’t it??
I just have a few questions.
1. Has he ever had a girlfriend? Do you know about his past and how his relationships were?
2. How did you ask him? Did you guys talk about it in person or over text?
3. Are you initiating any conversations right now or just waiting for him to reach out?My guess is, he just doesn’t want a relationship. He was enjoying the friends with benefits mentality, as most guys do at his age. Committing and making something serious out of something that is working so well already, can make guys run away in a hot second. Women, we are sooooo much more designed for connection and deep relationships and it runs counter to how a lot of guys feel (especially at his age). It has nothing to do with you, but more the mindset that he is in. He most likely was just having fun and enjoying the friendship and the sex and then you attempted to go deeper – which is not where he is at – so he is running away. Who knows if he will come around. There is a lot happening right now and the stress is exponentially higher on so many levels. It’s affecting every single person on this planet in ways they aren’t even realizing yet.
What are your thoughts about what I’ve said?
Heidi
Hey there!
Okay…so you are still heading down the same track of “I want a man who….” “He will….” I’ve never had to teach this over the computer, so bear with me. It’s so much easier in person as there are so many layers / perceptions that I am able to help someone through, right in the moment, that helps bring clarity and depth to their non-negotiables.
For example, in your first paragraph, you say “I like a man to be good at math and strategy to succeed in his career.” So are you telling me that if a guy is not good at math and is on the more illiterate side of technology, that it’s a deal-breaker for you? Meaning, if a guy has all these amazing and wonderful qualities that make you feel your very best self, if he is not good at math, the computer or phone, you wouldn’t date him?
“He is smart enough not to sleep around with many women without proper protection or get taken advantage of by gold diggers. He is smart enough to pick his battles and good at providing win-win solutions in relationships.” This has nothing to do with intelligence. For example, being the health and exercise expert I am, most people assume I follow what I know 100%. People would be amazed at how many “trainer” break rooms I have been in where they are hoovering cakes, cookies and doing EVERYTHING we tell our clients not to do. Why? That’s a layered and unique story for each and every person. So a lot of what you have written actually has a flavor of judgment. I can see the beliefs you have about what you think a “good” person is or what you believe the “correct” behavior is. A guy who gets fooled by a gold digger just means that he is foolable. We all are. “He doesn’t have to be super intelligent in psychology but has to have common sense to live through life as valuable citizen.” What does this mean? You say in one sentence that you want a guy with high EQ and here you say he doesn’t have to be super intelligent in psychology. What is a valuable citizen? Again…remember we are talking deal breakers here, NOT your wish list.
So I am going to direct you in a completely different direction. I’m going to give you just 1 question to deal with. When you answer, I will work through that particular category and then we will head to the next one. I hope you are okay with that!
So here is my question: How do you imagine having an argument with him? You guy disagree or feelings are hurt, anger is present…how do you see it getting resolved between the 2 of you?
Heidi
Hey there!
Let’s address this question first: “Can men have that type of heart? Could women be the one with the heart and men with the mind? I always wonder about this and want to set the realistic expectations for men.” Absolutely!!! I have been taught by many of them and have met some in person. Again, remember that you want a man that is whole and complete on his own and vice versa, so if you have the heart and he has the mind, that is not a whole person is it? You are designing a relationship that is dependent upon completing each other. One thing you might want to start doing, is listening to men who are the spiritual leaders in our world. There are MANY men who are out there, teaching empowerment, spirituality, growth, involvement, EQ etc. Finding male leaders and teachers is a great thing! Look for podcasts, youtube videos, ted talks, books etc. where men are talking about the kind of subjects you are interested in. It helps you know what you do and don’t respond to, what qualities you are attracted to and not attracted to and all of that will help you begin to believe and KNOW what is possible to find in a man. Make sense?
Okay….let’s address your list a little more.
You are still thinking about qualities you are “attracted” to and coming from that mindset, although you are getting closer! I love your persistence with this and I love working with you through this.
Let’s talk about intelligence. For example, depending on what school of thought you want to go by, there are many forms of intelligence. I go by the school of thought that there are 7 different types of intelligence. So…with that being said, what type of intelligence can you NOT live without? If a guy what not a certain kind of smart, it’s not going to work…ever. Do you know what that is? In your mind, what do you mean by intelligent?
Same thing with sense of humor. There are many different types of humor. I basically just say that must make me laugh. I don’t specify the type of humor because I don’t care. He just needs to be able to make me laugh and he needs to be the kind of guy that also laughs easily.
Does this make sense?Integrity – doing and being aligned with the core of who they are. Their words and actions are aligned with the kind of person they want to be in the world. In my mind, that means he is someone who, even at the expense of others, he will make sure his own needs are met. This means his word is just as valuable to himself as it is to others. This means that he shows up as the same person no matter the people who are standing in front of him. Does this help?
Wise and generous heart are very different things, although they do crossover. Again, wisdom is knowledge in action. I have a very high level of EQ and wisdom, but I am very low in other areas of life. I can’t tell you where the states and countries are. I am horrible at math and would sweat trying to solve word problems. I cannot remember names for the life of me. Many of the main subjects in school were very hard for me. However, my interpersonal and intrapersonal intelligence is very high, my body intelligence is very high, my spatial intelligence is very high. So….what kind of wisdom can you not live without??? I imagine you are talking about an emotional / spiritual / psychological type of wisdom.
Remember…what is it that you cannot live without? When you speak of a generous heart, what kind of generosity can you not live without? There are people who are generous with money, but not with their time. There are people who are generous with their time and connections with other, but super controlling with money.
Keep working on this!!!
Heidi
Hi Viktoria,
Just to make sure I understand correctly, you both are still married, yes?
I’m a little confused in the sense that you are trying to build a brand new relationship when you are not available for that, so maybe if you add a little more detail as to your thoughts about how that can happen and what you are imagining. He also is still married. Were you thinking he was going to leave his wife?
The foundational logistics of all of this make your situation, in and of itself, incredibly challenging and pretty impossible. Anyone trying to attempt to have 2 serious relationships is crazy to think they won’t break at some point, if there is not an agreement of being polyamorous. Is he cheating? Are you cheating?
I would suggest to be more concerned about the foundation you are trying to build a relationship from vs. whether or not you are going to lose him. Building relationships and love that are built on lies will never last anyways.
So help us understand better what you are thinking, because it seems you are trying to save a sinking ship that has holes in it everywhere – it’s supposed to sink – it’s not saveable.
Thoughts?
Heidi
