[Heidi G]

Hi Katy,

Thank you for sharing so much more about you! I understand on a such a DEEP level how you feel. Part of your gift is your ability to love and connect with others. It’s part of your core character and the wonderful way you experience your life. Let’s talk about this further though. Your greatest gift (your ability to love and connect deeply) is ALSO your greatest weakness. That is true about everybody. I too connect VERY deeply AND I have had to learn the skill over the years and MANY hard lessons, that since that is just who I am, I have to be VERY CAREFUL not to lose myself in the relationship, take things very slow AND to ALWAYS make sure I am pouring just as much love into myself along the way and to keep checking in with myself. That means, I DO NOT easily invite people into my life on a deeper level. That means I take things VERY slow and DO NOT open the flood gates just because I feel a connection. That means that I am constantly checking myself and asking myself, “Is being connected with this person INCREASING the connection with myself?” If the answer is no, then I reconfigure the relationship and walk away, if need be. Your gift and ability to connect deeply needs to be CARED FOR and TAKEN CARE OF and HONORED. Just because you can connect deeply, does not mean you should. You have a tendency to pour ALL of yourself into a connection and then lose yourself in the process. Everything ends up going to the other person. This is NOT honoring your gift. You just want to fight for him and invite him back into your life because you don’t want to lose that feeling of connection with him, NOT because he is a healthy partner for you that can offer you what you want and need. Reality is, you poured EVERYTHING into this guy and lost yourself while he sat back and received it all, but never TRULY invested all of himself into you. He operates in relationship very differently than you do.

“I just feel everything from regret to hope of what could have happened if the odds were in our favor. So these feelings bring me a stronger urge to want to connect back and see what can be worked out.” Even if the odds were in your favor, you still would have ended up right here where you are. The situation DOES NOT change a person’s coping mechanisms. He is who he is no matter the situation or environment he is in. It may have taken a lot longer before he disappeared, but it would have happened eventually. Or it may have even happened sooner. Either way, he is not a guy built to go the distance with you.

“It’s because now that I know who he is and can be, I can approach him in a different way?” Yes, you know who he can be in his best, but you are ignoring who he can be in his worst as well. Do you want to go through this again? If you are okay going through this again, then, by all means, fight for the guy. If you are willing to have stress with him and have him disappear all of the time where he leaves you high and dry and is not a good teammate you can rely on, then you absolutely get to do that. Things will be great and amazing when it’s all good and things will be very painful when they are not. That’s quite the rollercoaster ride you will be inviting into your life.

“As I was thinking about my character, I also have a tendency to want to take care of people. It’s interesting and makes zero sense because I don’t do this voluntarily, meaning I don’t go out of my way to volunteer to take care of other people’s lives.” Again, an amazing gift you have. What about taking care of yourself? Do you take care of yourself and focus your attention on yourself just as much as you do other people in your life???

I”’m a person who wants certainty, and I wanted my feelings for him to be certain and not just some bubble of emotions in the air. I think it’s the worst because he gave me assurance and certainty nearly every time I was having doubts, and because of that, I think I began to tell myself the feelings I have will be certain and not to worry.” We ALL want certainty. The thing is, it’s an illusion. There is NO SUCH THING as certainty when it comes to relationship of any kind. It’s a risk to love and connect, no matter what. At any time, the other person could shift and decide to walk away or do something harmful to the relationship that would cause it to end. We cannot control what other people do. Love and connection are NOT guaranteed. That does not exist in a relationship. I have seen 50-year marriages fall apart. It takes 2 and because of that, it’s just plain unpredictable…ALWAYS. That’s why it’s really important to stay VERY present and connect to each and every day. What is true, is what is true IN THE MOMENT and does not mean it will be true for the next day. In a matter of seconds, that curveball could come in and change everything, as you have experienced. So trying to have certainty and reassurances from a guy about how he feels and the direction he wants to go with you, is a moot point. That kind of need is reflecting how much you are putting your authority, value and power into HIS hands. You lose yourself in a relationship, therefore you then rely on and depend on the other person for your source of comfort, needs, reassurances, value etc. It’s like you plug into THEM for your source of wellbeing because you haven’t developed the skillset to stay plugged into yourself and be your very own source. When you experience relationship like that, of course it’s EXTREMELY difficult to disconnect and very painful. Of course you want to keep fighting for him, but not for reasons that are actually healthy for you.

But like I said, you get to fight for him because your life is your design. What I suggest is to just keep giving him space and use this time to learn about yourself, pay attention to your patterns, your DEEP feelings and really break down HOW you want to show up in a relationship. He is NOT the kind of guy who will respond long term to someone he needs to re-assure all of the time. He will respond more to your strength than your need for him to keep you sourced and feeling secure. Give it 30 days. I know it will be a hard 30 days, but a lot of good can come out of that for both of you. Is that something you feel you are able to do?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Katy,

Thank you for sharing more details!

Let’s just address this statement: “All in all, I always told myself I’ll follow my heart. Yes, very cheesy, and if I followed my brain life would have been so much easier to cut people off or move on quicker.” It is NEVER just a heart or just a brain decision when it comes to romantic love. The heart and brain ALWAYS work together and always have an influence of what is happening. DO NOT always follow your heart. I say this because your heart carries wonderful and amazing feelings as well as woundedness, limiting beliefs and low self-esteem. Just because you feel connection and love, DOES NOT mean you should follow that. Would you tell a woman who is being abused and feels LOVE for her husband, to stay and she should follow her heart? Would you tell a woman whose boyfriend keeps ghosting her, to stay because she LOVES him?

Healthy love means that you are NOT excluded from the equation. You may feel love towards him, BUT you are not loving yourself by staying. Would you say that it is a loving thing to stay with a guy who treats you this way? Would you say that it is loving and respectful and honoring to yourself to fight for a guy who doesn’t want to fight for you? Would you say that it is loving towards yourself to hand your heart over to a guy who does not have the ability to take care it? Your heart, your love, your trust is SACRED. You would not be treating it as such, by handing it over to someone who doesn’t have the capability nor the skillset of how to care for it. That’s NOT love. What it is, is connection. You feel connected and drawn to him. And I will tell you this from years of experience, soooooo many times we (all people) will be drawn to someone from our woundedness and not from the healthy parts of us. Just a few years ago, I met a guy who was spectacular. We had an INCREDIBLE amount of attraction and chemistry. However, my brain new that entering into anything with this guy would invite chaos and disaster into my life. I also know myself enough to know that he carried a very specific energy/behavior pattern that was similar to my father’s narcissistic personality. I KNEW that part of my attraction was coming from a wounded place in me that was wanting to be loved and accepted by someone who didn’t have that ability. My point being, is that what you FEEL is not always clear. What you feel is NOT always what is true or healthy.

So I want to encourage you to sit with this for a bit and explore and connect to that part of you that wants to connect to a guy and give your heart to a guy who is not emotionally available, highly insecure, very fragile and would take you on a rollercoaster ride. What is happening for you, that you would so easily discount the disrepect he is showing you and ignore it, just so you can keep connecting with him? What is happening in you that you would treat yourself with such disrespect by fighting for a guy who doesn’t want to fight for you?

Let me know your thoughts!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Vino,

Maybe it’s time you really start being fully and completely honest with yourself. Let’s look at your first paragraph. Your reaction is letting you know how much you are hooked into him. You say you can’t imagine him truly liking you so you are comfortable keeping it as friends not ready to meet yet. How about admitting that you have fallen for him big time. How about admitting that you want to be in a relationship with him and then taking action to set that course in motion. You are not aligning your thoughts and feelings for him with your action.

And did you take a closer look into your reaction about your phone not ringing? That “spoiled” child reaction was not spoiled at all. That’s a judgment. That reaction was a wounded little girl reaction. Dive into that and connect to what was REALLY happening. What was true about how she was feeling at that moment?

Sexual energy as a whole system means that sexual energy is NOT just about sex AND the expression of our sexual energy is a reflection of our spiritual body, our emotional body, our physical body, our mental body. So you can tell how healthy or not healthy someone is as a whole, through their sexual energy. Sexual energy is another FANTASTIC system to expose our strengths and weaknesses in our whole system.
The first place I would guide you down, from what I know about you here, is diving into your thoughts, feelings and beliefs about feminine energy. You don’t have the highest opinion of women in general. Your struggles with women will affect your sexual energy because you are not aligned with feminine energy therefore you are not aligned with yourself being a woman. You are all tied up in a ball inside about your sexuality, therefore you aren’t flirty. That can also be a place to start with JB. Start flirting with him and pay attention to how, even the thought of that, makes you feel. Actually, this area of your life could be a GREAT place for you to start using your “body” language techniques to explore deeper into yourself. Why not take yourself through a system of discovering your divine feminine energy, getting more deeply connected to your sexuality, freeing yourself up where you are stuck and write down your process and results. THEN you can create a whole program around it and coach other women through it. Just a thought that came to me as I was writing it.

Anyways…watch a bunch of romcom movies and notice the different sexual energies being expressed through the female character and notice how it’s different than the male characters. Find pieces of you that resonate with the different expressions and what doesn’t resonate for you and explore the why behind it.

Those are just a few places to start.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Vino,

I’m going to address 2 things here:

” i don’t like talking about them, because i get super depressed when i think about my fantasies, because i’ve had them for as long as i can remember and i’m probably too old now, for any of them to come true. So, until i meet a man who is serious about me, i’m not even going to think about them.”

Let’s talk about your fantasies and flirting. It makes me sad that you don’t allow yourself to have your fantasies! Your sexual energy is sacred, beautiful and is a system that needs to be used and nourished – just like our muscular system, our creative system, our imagination, our spirituality etc. Our sexual energy is a WHOLE SYSTEM full of layers of so many things. First, you DO NOT need a guy to explore this part of you. I”m not just referring to masturbation as that is just a small part of this system. It’s your relationship with yourself, your divine feminine, your spirituality. Sexuality runs deep and is a system that needs to be cared for and tended to ALL THE TIME. It is a system that is no different than muscles. You snooze, you lose. So…it’s naive thinking that if a man enters into your life that you finally feels safe with, that all of a sudden your sexual energy will turn on. That is NOT how it works. You have PROGRAMMED yourself to stay shut down in that area and not allow that part of yourself to be explored and freed, so it doesn’t just “turn on” like a light switch. It will take a while for you to get to know that part of yourself, even when a man does show up that wants to explore with you. Besides, what you imagine is a HUGE part of bringing it into reality! It keeps your visions and needs ALIVE!

“What if I was meeting with JB at a certain time, and something like this happens? I”d show up with a heaviness in me, and pass it on to him. So, isn’t it fair, that he fully knows and is willing to take that risk, of having me show up with in a sour mood because of my kids?! (I know.. there’s a million things that can turn a person sour… but… kids are different, in that i can’t cut myself off from… and that’s why i feel like they’re an issue, and a restriction on MY freedom and availability).”

Look Vino…so what! So what if you show up grumpy because of your kids. Kids are NOT different. Sour is sour, pain is pain, hurt is hurt. It doesn’t matter the source of any of it. It’s just life. No, he will NOT be able to fully understand life as a parent, but that does not make him any less capable of understanding and being supportive. You will NOT be able to fully understand his life as a cop. Reality is, NONE of us can fully understand each other because we are not in each other’s shoes. We can connect deeply and understand through having common experiences, but the best we can all do is to have compassion, understanding, patience and a curiosity to learn about each other’s experiences.

What I am seeing you do is come up with A LOT of reasons why you can’t be close to him or any man for that matter. You are carrying A LOT of fear and putting deep meaning on things that are creating walls. If you go back and re-read everything you wrote, you might a lot of fear present. You don’t want a casual relationship but you don’t want a serious one either. You THINK that’s what you want, but in truth, your subconscious beliefs and fears are putting up walls all over the place. Just something to think about and notice 🙂

I know I have come on a bit strong in this one. Hopefully, it is more helpful than causing you to feel defensive. Let’s see 🙂

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Katy,

Welcome to the forum! I am soooo sorry for what you are going through. It’s awful to feel soooo connected to someone and then all of a sudden they disappear. You both were REALLY connecting and getting deeper, so to have the rug pulled out from under you, is shocking and extremely painful.

The first thing that needs to happen here, is for you to give him space. No more texting. When you chase a guy like that, he interprets that as “needy” and insecure. He feels your energy of not being okay without him and for most guys, that’s not something they want to take on. They want a woman who FEELS strong and secure in herself. They want a woman they KNOW is okay without him. They want a woman who loves and values herself soooo much that they don’t put up with being treated poorly. You are not demonstrating any of this to him.

Here is something to consider and think about. You barely know him. Who he is on screen is just a TINY TINY sliver of who he is in his life. You started to experience who he is under stress AND you also started to hide who you are by not asking him about what was really going on for him when you noticed patterns and energy changing. You hid, he started to shows signs of disconnect and coldness and now this. This last month, you were starting to see how he handles stress in his life. He showed you he gets passive-aggressive (by being cold). I’m not surprised at all he just cut out. Someone who demonstrates cold behavior is someone who has the ability to cut off connection very quickly. They are highly wounded and have had A LOT of practice cutting ties over their lifetime. People who are cold when they stressed are people who don’t truly invest deeply in relationships either. They are carrying too much fear for their hearts to invest. I know this pattern very well, because it used to be me. It would always shock the guys because I said and behaved and did all the right things to get them connected to me, but I never TRULY invested in return…of course they never knew that until I would abruptly end things. It wasn’t until I dealt with my past and healed my heart that I changed.

Bottom line is, a guy like this is VERY UNCARING with how he handled you. He has just ghosted you without even talking it through with you. So my question to you is, are you sure you want to invite a guy like that into your life? If he has the ability to just cut you out and not care about how that affects you, not honor the past 5 months with a REAL conversation and share authentically what he is feeling, then this is who he is. He is not going to change. If you invite him into your life again, he will do this again and again and again to you. He will take you through cycles of cold disconnected and then return when he feels like it. You will be inviting a seriously challenging rollercoaster ride into your life. It’s awful to be on the other end of someone like that.

I always coach people that when choosing the person you want to share your deep, vulnerable and sacred heart with, you need to choose that person according to their WORST traits, NOT their best traits. The worst of who they are is the most important aspect of a relationship. You have to see who they are under stress, how they treat you, how they treat others, how they treat themselves. If what you see is not loveable, is harmful, is destructive on any level, then that relationship is going to face an incredible amount of challenges. And what he is showing you, is that he is destructive and he is okay with that. I know you love him and that many things were amazing about him as well and that’s why you want him back. I don’t blame you! However, know that you will also be inviting his destructive energy into your life as well and you will never know when it will show up.

So bottom line is, him behaving this way, has NOTHING to do with you. All his reasons in the world don’t matter. His patterns and how he handled this existed waaaaaay before you ever came along and I guarantee this is not the first time he has done this. This is HIS issue, not yours. Whatever you did to trigger it, doesn’t matter. Reality is, we ALL will trigger each other ALWAYS, so the relationship needs to be able to sustain stuff like that. He is showing you he has no interest in that. That is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda,

I want to encourage you to find a DIFFERENT way to deal with your fear of rejection. In the past, you have called friends and did activities outdoors. All those things do is manage your emotions. It does not heal the wounds you carry, so the triggers will ALWAYS show up again – and as you have experienced, the relationships end up shifting and falling away. Deep down, you do not believe you deserve to be happy nor do you trust in that. So in a way, it’s a GREAT thing that you are not at home having access to your normal ways of dealing with your triggers. Now, you have to find a way to DIRECTLY deal with the emotions that are coming up. Yes, having a written conversation with that terrified part of you is a good start! Robin is a great guy so far and is worth fighting for. So fighting for yourself on a deeper level is going to be important so you don’t sabotage the relationship away. Maybe now you would consider working with a therapist/coach? You have a lot of deep stuff the Robin is GUARANTEED to stir up. Why not have someone right by your side to help you clean up the gunk that ends up surfacing?

Maybe also look at this a different way. Instead of thinking about you chasing the guy or the guy chasing you, reframe it. It truly is not about chasing at all. The CORE place you will have strength is connection to yourself. It’s the belief that you are SPECTACULAR and that any man would be lucky to be with you. You KNOW you are high quality, worth loving and knowing and worth fighting for. If a man sees that, he does, if he doesn’t he doesn’t. Either way, it doesn’t change…EVER. When this belief is active in the core of who you are and running at 100%, there is no chasing…there is just being present in the moment and trusting that whatever shows up and happens, it’s all going to be okay. I know a part of you knows this about yourself, but another part of you does not and is still living A LOT in the past. Just something to think about.

I know you are worried about your passport. I don’t blame you. You can help yourself by closing the door to the thoughts about whether you made the right decision. It is what it is. There is nothing more you can do about your choice, so let go and let God. He knows your heart’s desire. Pray about it, ask for expediency and ask for peace that no matter what happens, you will find joy and gratitude for whatever is showing up in your life. TRUST you will be okay no matter what happens.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda,

I get why you are freaking out. This freak out you are having is to be expected, considering all that you have gone through in your life. There are still deep places that haven’t been resolved for you, so what is happening right now is those unresolved things are just coming up.

Remember this:
1. Your emotions are NOT facts
2. Don’t believe any of your stories or judgments that are happening right now
3. Know this will pass
4. Do NOT make any decisions right now

Your first order of business to create safety for yourself. You have a very scared little girl right now. So as the adult, talk with her and let her know everything will be okay. Comfort her, validate her, give her voice. Let her feel and say what she needs right now. As the adult, DO NOT get wrapped up in her story. No different than when your kids would come home from school super upset about something and instead of getting upset WITH them, you just listened and helped them through their feelings. Your little girl needs you to listen and validate her. Where is this fear coming from? Where has this happened before? She has been carrying this fear for a looooong time. What does she need from you?

This is NOT the last time this will happen, so this is just a PERFECT opportunity for you to learn how to handle your triggers in a healthier way and not bury them. Work WITH them. I know it’s uncomfortable and not fun, but whatever you don’t deal with will just come up for you to deal with down the road again. Robin is going to trigger soooooo much stuff in you, so you might as well start finding your healthy ways of dealing with those triggers.

As far as Robin goes, yes he is pulling away a little bit, but it just sounds like he is going into his cave. This is pretty typical behavior for men when they get stressed. He may be disonnecting, but not specifically from you. The cave to a man, means he is connecting deeper INTO himself, which means he needs to take that outward connective energy he has with you and turn it into himself. So instead of defining it as “He is pulling away from me” you want to define it as “He is connecting to himself.” Your job is to be a partner that supports that. YOU need to stay consistent in your patterns, even if he isn’t. That helps him feel safe that you will be there when he gets out of his cave. It will make him feel supported. So DO NOT change who you are. Yes, give him space, but YOU need to stay connected to keep letting him know you are there. So again, keep texting him and doing your good morning thing. Keep responding when he reaches out. And for right now, expect that his pattern of communication will be a bit different and just go with the flow.

There ALWAYS is light in the darkness Rhonda. You may not be able to feel or see it, but if you take a breath and comfort yourself in your panic and darkness, the light will appear for you.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hey there!

My main tip for dating someone who has a high level of notoriety is to not view them that way. It’s easy to put them on a bit of a pedestal because of that and what someone like that needs more than anything, is someone who will keep them grounded. His “high profile” life is an illusion. Meaning – he is not more special than the next person just because he happens to be known by more people. He is special because of who he is, not what he does. You are special because of who you are, not what you do. So just make sure you keep seeing him as your equal – which you already do, so I would say you are offering him exactly what he needs. With that being said, appearances are going to be more important for someone high profile. Meaning, what he presents to the world has a higher consequence. I don’t know what his life is like, but I imagine he would need someone he can take to events that knows how to “work a room” and knows how to represent him well – no matter the situation. But again, I have no doubt you would be able to hold the spotlight like he would need you to.

“I am just waiting patiently on the sideline to be ready to catch them when they fall. Letting them know that you will be there no matter what. I feel that’s true love.” Yes! Love is very much like this. It’s letting your person be who they need to be. You can offer guidance and communicate your needs, but ultimately giving them space to still live their own life instead of trying to control the outcome. We all control because we want things OUR way. So letting go of control is being peaceful and accepting of whatever shows up. THAT is why trust in yourself is so important. When you have trust in yourself that you will be able to get through anything, you can let go of control. You are doing a great job!!!

Anything yellow flags yet? Things you are noticing to be cautious about?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Leondra,

I know it’s hard! It’s terribly difficult to give someone you love, the space they need. What kinds of things are you going to do to focus on you right now? How are you going to help yourself through this?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Mel,

I’m so glad to hear you have great parents! Being that you have been told you are “too nice” is telling you that people are not feeling your boundaries and your connection to your honoring your needs. Our greatest gifts are ALWAYS our greatest weaknesses. So your great and amazing gift to always see the best in a person, hurts you as well when you choose to see the best in a person even when the worst of that person is harming or mistreating you. So it’s important for you to keep that in balance. You need to also be able to see the worst and decide from that space, whether or not they get to be in your life. Who a person is, in their worst, still needs to be respectful and honoring of who you are and anything less than that, invites a lot of chaos and challenge into your life, no matter how wonderful and nice they are. Just something to think about.

Yes, I do suggest sending a closure type of message. He needs to know you are cutting the cord and you need to say it. You can say something like “I just wanted to let you know that I have shifted. I am no longer wanting to participate in this design of on and off type of connection that we have had going on. So I’m just creating closure and letting you know that I’m not available anymore and moving on. I wish you the very best and very thankful we crossed paths. Take care!”

How does saying something like that feel for you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda,

Hopefully, your pool time “in the mountains” was regenerative!

There are ways to talk about religion without needing to go directly into it. For example, you can talk about some of your earliest childhood memories and being in church and what that was like for you and how your perspective changed about church and God over the years and then ask, how has your perspective changed about religion and God over the years? You could ask about what he believes happens after someone dies. Where do they go? What’s the process? You could ask what his top 3 core values are in a relationship. See if spirituality / religion is in there. It is for you, but my guess is, it won’t be for him.

Those are just some ideas of ways to gather his perspective without directly going into it. Just a thought.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

You DO need to keep staying with it! Every time that part of you wants to run, you stop and talk to her. Let her know that she is safe. Let her know that even if he does hurt her, you will be okay. Let her know that it’s okay that she is afraid. Maybe journal with her and give her some space to tell you what she is feeling at the moment. It will help you connect deeper with that part of yourself.

Keep pushing about the faith thing. Ask little questions about it here and there. Waiting until you guys are in person is a silly excuse honestly. It’s going to be quite a while before that happens and your faith is VERY important to you. That is not a subject I would be putting on the back burner. You guys are talking face to face, so his excuse is more of avoidance than anything. This may be deal breaker for you, so it’s important that you get to know this part of him sooner than later. It’s obviously not a big part of his life, nor that important, but it is for you, so maybe consider saying something like that to him and see how he responds.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Mel,

Welcome to the forum! You are asking some great questions and I am so glad you are reaching out.

How long have you been dating? Just curious.

First, I would love to encourage you to really look inside of yourself. Your reaction to him being unavailable and then getting pulled back in so easily, has a lot of information about how you feel about yourself. My guess is, you have had a rocky childhood. Maybe abandonment or neglect issues? Or parents who were abusive in some way?

I get how your mind loops through all of those thoughts. It’s pretty normal. The truth is, he is not available for the kind of relationship you would like to create with him. The truth is, even IF he didn’t get your messages, what would be stopping him from reaching out to you? Don’t you want a guy who is EXCITED to talk with you and create plans with you? Don’t you want a guy who has nothing stopping him from wanting to know the depths of who you are? Don’t you want a guy who reaches out and initiates with you all the time? That’s the kind of guy who is available. This guy is not interested in anything deep or connective. AND he knows that someone like you (who accepts his behavior) will stay hooked long enough for him to get his needs met. He for sure knows how to talk to a lady. He says all the right things and treats her in an amazing way and it keeps them hooked. Who knows how many other girls he is doing this to, besides you. So…being that the truth is, he is NOT available, you now have to decide if you want to continue participating in this design. It’s SUPPOSED to be torture for you, because your system is letting you know it doesn’t feel good to be treated this way. He is playing quite the game and it would suck for any woman! However, a woman who deeply loves and respects herself, WOULD NOT participate and move on pretty quickly. That’s the core issue here…you are not respecting yourself, therefore why should he respect you? You are wanting him to care, connect and fight for you in a way that you aren’t even doing for yourself. You cannot ask someone else to do or be something for you that you are not willing to do for yourself first and foremost. Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

It sounds like you are having a great experience so far! I LOVE that you both are having moments of upset and expressing them and figuring out how to work through the small stuff! That is sooooo important!

As far as getting him to be chattier, get creative with your questions. For example, instead of saying “how was your day” (that’s a socially programmed question that typically gets a socially programmed answer – “fine”) you could say, “if you could rate how much liked today between 0 and 10, what would it be? Maybe he says 6.5. Then ask, what would have made it a 10?” Or you could ask, “tell me about your favorite moment that happened today.” Or “did you learn or notice anything new about yourself today?” Or “Tell me about the parts of your day that made you feel successful.” Does this help?

I’m not sure what you mean about how to deal with a guy who is “high profile.” Tell me the specific things that make him high profile. I understand his job is more on the secret side, but I’m not sure exactly what you mean.

Remember, trust is about YOU, not him. He wants you to put your trust in him, but it’s truly not about him at all – at the foundational level. You want to build trust with YOURSELF that no matter what he does, says or chooses, you KNOW you can trust in yourself that you will be okay. You are resilient, wise, strong and will figure out, no matter what, how to heal from any hurt caused by him. When 2 people view and practice trust from that space, the relationship can then hold a higher capacity for risk – as it’s VERY risky to fall in love and become that connected to someone. You guys are already exchanging the love word and haven’t even met yet. You guys are risking quite a lot already and it’s all okay! You both will keep figuring out bit by bit. His need to have you trust him more is also his own insecurity and is about him, not you. And as far as the father issues, I don’t know a person who doesn’t have a dad issue. It is sooooooo common. It’s sad. The dads have really been unavailable for a long time. Their role and the wars have really caused a lot of dads (generationally) to be emotionally messed up in a lot of ways. I think the dads today are finally starting to step up in a much more healthy way. At least more of them are, but it’s still quite the work in progress. So it’s NOT your issue following you, it’s just where we are at in the world.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I’m getting a much more clear picture about how you want to use the body. Tell me more about this. HOW does this happen? WHY does this happen? How long does this take? “As you learn to listen to, and appreciate your body and all that it does to protect you – the way you see yourself begins to shift!!! And you get to the place where you just KNOW you are awesome!”

As far as JB, I can’t specifically say what he is doing to be romantic, but he is talking to you A LOT. He said “think of me” while he is at work. That’s not a friend thing to say. He is bonded to you for sure. I GUARANTEE he has thought of you romantically and having sex with you. If he hasn’t, then he is gay or something else is going on for him. Him choosing reading over texting you, does not mean he doesn’t make room for you in his life. It means he is really good at making sure he gets his needs met and reading must be really important for him. He is probably really good at keeping balance in his life. Women have a much harder time with that component as we are falling in love. We tend to give MUCH MORE of ourselves, because of how we are built. We are the caretakers of our relationship, men are the providers. He DOES make A LOT of room for you in his life considering how frequent and how long you guys talk and text. You are more valuable to him than you realize. He may want to put you in the “friend” category, I don’t know. But he sure is bonding to you. Have you ever tried flirting with him?

Heidi

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