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Hi Rhonda,
I want to encourage you to find a DIFFERENT way to deal with your fear of rejection. In the past, you have called friends and did activities outdoors. All those things do is manage your emotions. It does not heal the wounds you carry, so the triggers will ALWAYS show up again – and as you have experienced, the relationships end up shifting and falling away. Deep down, you do not believe you deserve to be happy nor do you trust in that. So in a way, it’s a GREAT thing that you are not at home having access to your normal ways of dealing with your triggers. Now, you have to find a way to DIRECTLY deal with the emotions that are coming up. Yes, having a written conversation with that terrified part of you is a good start! Robin is a great guy so far and is worth fighting for. So fighting for yourself on a deeper level is going to be important so you don’t sabotage the relationship away. Maybe now you would consider working with a therapist/coach? You have a lot of deep stuff the Robin is GUARANTEED to stir up. Why not have someone right by your side to help you clean up the gunk that ends up surfacing?
Maybe also look at this a different way. Instead of thinking about you chasing the guy or the guy chasing you, reframe it. It truly is not about chasing at all. The CORE place you will have strength is connection to yourself. It’s the belief that you are SPECTACULAR and that any man would be lucky to be with you. You KNOW you are high quality, worth loving and knowing and worth fighting for. If a man sees that, he does, if he doesn’t he doesn’t. Either way, it doesn’t change…EVER. When this belief is active in the core of who you are and running at 100%, there is no chasing…there is just being present in the moment and trusting that whatever shows up and happens, it’s all going to be okay. I know a part of you knows this about yourself, but another part of you does not and is still living A LOT in the past. Just something to think about.
I know you are worried about your passport. I don’t blame you. You can help yourself by closing the door to the thoughts about whether you made the right decision. It is what it is. There is nothing more you can do about your choice, so let go and let God. He knows your heart’s desire. Pray about it, ask for expediency and ask for peace that no matter what happens, you will find joy and gratitude for whatever is showing up in your life. TRUST you will be okay no matter what happens.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I get why you are freaking out. This freak out you are having is to be expected, considering all that you have gone through in your life. There are still deep places that haven’t been resolved for you, so what is happening right now is those unresolved things are just coming up.
Remember this:
1. Your emotions are NOT facts
2. Don’t believe any of your stories or judgments that are happening right now
3. Know this will pass
4. Do NOT make any decisions right nowYour first order of business to create safety for yourself. You have a very scared little girl right now. So as the adult, talk with her and let her know everything will be okay. Comfort her, validate her, give her voice. Let her feel and say what she needs right now. As the adult, DO NOT get wrapped up in her story. No different than when your kids would come home from school super upset about something and instead of getting upset WITH them, you just listened and helped them through their feelings. Your little girl needs you to listen and validate her. Where is this fear coming from? Where has this happened before? She has been carrying this fear for a looooong time. What does she need from you?
This is NOT the last time this will happen, so this is just a PERFECT opportunity for you to learn how to handle your triggers in a healthier way and not bury them. Work WITH them. I know it’s uncomfortable and not fun, but whatever you don’t deal with will just come up for you to deal with down the road again. Robin is going to trigger soooooo much stuff in you, so you might as well start finding your healthy ways of dealing with those triggers.
As far as Robin goes, yes he is pulling away a little bit, but it just sounds like he is going into his cave. This is pretty typical behavior for men when they get stressed. He may be disonnecting, but not specifically from you. The cave to a man, means he is connecting deeper INTO himself, which means he needs to take that outward connective energy he has with you and turn it into himself. So instead of defining it as “He is pulling away from me” you want to define it as “He is connecting to himself.” Your job is to be a partner that supports that. YOU need to stay consistent in your patterns, even if he isn’t. That helps him feel safe that you will be there when he gets out of his cave. It will make him feel supported. So DO NOT change who you are. Yes, give him space, but YOU need to stay connected to keep letting him know you are there. So again, keep texting him and doing your good morning thing. Keep responding when he reaches out. And for right now, expect that his pattern of communication will be a bit different and just go with the flow.
There ALWAYS is light in the darkness Rhonda. You may not be able to feel or see it, but if you take a breath and comfort yourself in your panic and darkness, the light will appear for you.
Heidi
Hey there!
My main tip for dating someone who has a high level of notoriety is to not view them that way. It’s easy to put them on a bit of a pedestal because of that and what someone like that needs more than anything, is someone who will keep them grounded. His “high profile” life is an illusion. Meaning – he is not more special than the next person just because he happens to be known by more people. He is special because of who he is, not what he does. You are special because of who you are, not what you do. So just make sure you keep seeing him as your equal – which you already do, so I would say you are offering him exactly what he needs. With that being said, appearances are going to be more important for someone high profile. Meaning, what he presents to the world has a higher consequence. I don’t know what his life is like, but I imagine he would need someone he can take to events that knows how to “work a room” and knows how to represent him well – no matter the situation. But again, I have no doubt you would be able to hold the spotlight like he would need you to.
“I am just waiting patiently on the sideline to be ready to catch them when they fall. Letting them know that you will be there no matter what. I feel that’s true love.” Yes! Love is very much like this. It’s letting your person be who they need to be. You can offer guidance and communicate your needs, but ultimately giving them space to still live their own life instead of trying to control the outcome. We all control because we want things OUR way. So letting go of control is being peaceful and accepting of whatever shows up. THAT is why trust in yourself is so important. When you have trust in yourself that you will be able to get through anything, you can let go of control. You are doing a great job!!!
Anything yellow flags yet? Things you are noticing to be cautious about?
Heidi
Hi Leondra,
I know it’s hard! It’s terribly difficult to give someone you love, the space they need. What kinds of things are you going to do to focus on you right now? How are you going to help yourself through this?
Heidi
Hi Mel,
I’m so glad to hear you have great parents! Being that you have been told you are “too nice” is telling you that people are not feeling your boundaries and your connection to your honoring your needs. Our greatest gifts are ALWAYS our greatest weaknesses. So your great and amazing gift to always see the best in a person, hurts you as well when you choose to see the best in a person even when the worst of that person is harming or mistreating you. So it’s important for you to keep that in balance. You need to also be able to see the worst and decide from that space, whether or not they get to be in your life. Who a person is, in their worst, still needs to be respectful and honoring of who you are and anything less than that, invites a lot of chaos and challenge into your life, no matter how wonderful and nice they are. Just something to think about.
Yes, I do suggest sending a closure type of message. He needs to know you are cutting the cord and you need to say it. You can say something like “I just wanted to let you know that I have shifted. I am no longer wanting to participate in this design of on and off type of connection that we have had going on. So I’m just creating closure and letting you know that I’m not available anymore and moving on. I wish you the very best and very thankful we crossed paths. Take care!”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Hopefully, your pool time “in the mountains” was regenerative!
There are ways to talk about religion without needing to go directly into it. For example, you can talk about some of your earliest childhood memories and being in church and what that was like for you and how your perspective changed about church and God over the years and then ask, how has your perspective changed about religion and God over the years? You could ask about what he believes happens after someone dies. Where do they go? What’s the process? You could ask what his top 3 core values are in a relationship. See if spirituality / religion is in there. It is for you, but my guess is, it won’t be for him.
Those are just some ideas of ways to gather his perspective without directly going into it. Just a thought.
Heidi
You DO need to keep staying with it! Every time that part of you wants to run, you stop and talk to her. Let her know that she is safe. Let her know that even if he does hurt her, you will be okay. Let her know that it’s okay that she is afraid. Maybe journal with her and give her some space to tell you what she is feeling at the moment. It will help you connect deeper with that part of yourself.
Keep pushing about the faith thing. Ask little questions about it here and there. Waiting until you guys are in person is a silly excuse honestly. It’s going to be quite a while before that happens and your faith is VERY important to you. That is not a subject I would be putting on the back burner. You guys are talking face to face, so his excuse is more of avoidance than anything. This may be deal breaker for you, so it’s important that you get to know this part of him sooner than later. It’s obviously not a big part of his life, nor that important, but it is for you, so maybe consider saying something like that to him and see how he responds.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Mel,
Welcome to the forum! You are asking some great questions and I am so glad you are reaching out.
How long have you been dating? Just curious.
First, I would love to encourage you to really look inside of yourself. Your reaction to him being unavailable and then getting pulled back in so easily, has a lot of information about how you feel about yourself. My guess is, you have had a rocky childhood. Maybe abandonment or neglect issues? Or parents who were abusive in some way?
I get how your mind loops through all of those thoughts. It’s pretty normal. The truth is, he is not available for the kind of relationship you would like to create with him. The truth is, even IF he didn’t get your messages, what would be stopping him from reaching out to you? Don’t you want a guy who is EXCITED to talk with you and create plans with you? Don’t you want a guy who has nothing stopping him from wanting to know the depths of who you are? Don’t you want a guy who reaches out and initiates with you all the time? That’s the kind of guy who is available. This guy is not interested in anything deep or connective. AND he knows that someone like you (who accepts his behavior) will stay hooked long enough for him to get his needs met. He for sure knows how to talk to a lady. He says all the right things and treats her in an amazing way and it keeps them hooked. Who knows how many other girls he is doing this to, besides you. So…being that the truth is, he is NOT available, you now have to decide if you want to continue participating in this design. It’s SUPPOSED to be torture for you, because your system is letting you know it doesn’t feel good to be treated this way. He is playing quite the game and it would suck for any woman! However, a woman who deeply loves and respects herself, WOULD NOT participate and move on pretty quickly. That’s the core issue here…you are not respecting yourself, therefore why should he respect you? You are wanting him to care, connect and fight for you in a way that you aren’t even doing for yourself. You cannot ask someone else to do or be something for you that you are not willing to do for yourself first and foremost. Does this make sense?
Heidi
It sounds like you are having a great experience so far! I LOVE that you both are having moments of upset and expressing them and figuring out how to work through the small stuff! That is sooooo important!
As far as getting him to be chattier, get creative with your questions. For example, instead of saying “how was your day” (that’s a socially programmed question that typically gets a socially programmed answer – “fine”) you could say, “if you could rate how much liked today between 0 and 10, what would it be? Maybe he says 6.5. Then ask, what would have made it a 10?” Or you could ask, “tell me about your favorite moment that happened today.” Or “did you learn or notice anything new about yourself today?” Or “Tell me about the parts of your day that made you feel successful.” Does this help?
I’m not sure what you mean about how to deal with a guy who is “high profile.” Tell me the specific things that make him high profile. I understand his job is more on the secret side, but I’m not sure exactly what you mean.
Remember, trust is about YOU, not him. He wants you to put your trust in him, but it’s truly not about him at all – at the foundational level. You want to build trust with YOURSELF that no matter what he does, says or chooses, you KNOW you can trust in yourself that you will be okay. You are resilient, wise, strong and will figure out, no matter what, how to heal from any hurt caused by him. When 2 people view and practice trust from that space, the relationship can then hold a higher capacity for risk – as it’s VERY risky to fall in love and become that connected to someone. You guys are already exchanging the love word and haven’t even met yet. You guys are risking quite a lot already and it’s all okay! You both will keep figuring out bit by bit. His need to have you trust him more is also his own insecurity and is about him, not you. And as far as the father issues, I don’t know a person who doesn’t have a dad issue. It is sooooooo common. It’s sad. The dads have really been unavailable for a long time. Their role and the wars have really caused a lot of dads (generationally) to be emotionally messed up in a lot of ways. I think the dads today are finally starting to step up in a much more healthy way. At least more of them are, but it’s still quite the work in progress. So it’s NOT your issue following you, it’s just where we are at in the world.
Heidi
I’m getting a much more clear picture about how you want to use the body. Tell me more about this. HOW does this happen? WHY does this happen? How long does this take? “As you learn to listen to, and appreciate your body and all that it does to protect you – the way you see yourself begins to shift!!! And you get to the place where you just KNOW you are awesome!”
As far as JB, I can’t specifically say what he is doing to be romantic, but he is talking to you A LOT. He said “think of me” while he is at work. That’s not a friend thing to say. He is bonded to you for sure. I GUARANTEE he has thought of you romantically and having sex with you. If he hasn’t, then he is gay or something else is going on for him. Him choosing reading over texting you, does not mean he doesn’t make room for you in his life. It means he is really good at making sure he gets his needs met and reading must be really important for him. He is probably really good at keeping balance in his life. Women have a much harder time with that component as we are falling in love. We tend to give MUCH MORE of ourselves, because of how we are built. We are the caretakers of our relationship, men are the providers. He DOES make A LOT of room for you in his life considering how frequent and how long you guys talk and text. You are more valuable to him than you realize. He may want to put you in the “friend” category, I don’t know. But he sure is bonding to you. Have you ever tried flirting with him?
Heidi
Hi Candace,
First, you are strong enough to embrace his choice. Second, how you are framing this, is way more painful, because it’s full of lies. What’s the truth? Yes, he rejected you. Was it because you were not good enough? Maybe, but so what? He isn’t good enough for you either! It’s not about NOT being good enough, it’s about NOT BEING A GOOD ENOUGH MATCH. You are viewing this as if YOU are the person who isn’t valuable enough in this, when in reality, it was not a healthy relationship to begin with. He doesn’t have the ability to care for and sustain anything healthy with ANY woman. In my opinion, you are being rescued from a really big mess sooner than later.
It’s so important that you truly face the pain of rejection. Otherwise, if you just bury it and try to go from 1 person to the other without dealing with the pain, then you just perpetually keep living in the same pattern, keep picking the same kind of guys who are going to reject you in one way or another and you never get off that hamster wheel. Is that what you want? NO ONE likes to feel pain. But those that face it and work through it, are the ones that are greatly rewarded in their lives…with more joy, more love, more connection to themselves. Those that bury and ignore it, also are greatly rewarded in life…with more pain.
You’ve got to fight for more in your life Candace. You are much stronger than you think! These past 10 years, I have been rejected more in my life than the first 20 years of being extremely successful in dating. Every single time, I used that experience to help me grow even more and become MORE of who I am. Now, despite all the rejection, I love myself the most I ever have, I am loving life more than I ever have and I used every single rejection as a way to catapult me there. It completely sucked every time, but I had help, support and a drive for healing. That is the gift that pain offers all of us…it’s a platform to greatness, expansion, releasing and forgiving what no longer serves us.
Let this guy go and turn 100% of your attention towards yourself! He may reject you, but you need to stop rejecting you. Love and accept yourself and then the pain of rejection is much more workable.
Heidi
Hi Vino,
So I’m curious. What EXACTLY do you mean by listening to your body? How? What is the language of the body that you are talking about and referring to that people need to listen to? Do you believe that most people have the ability to listen to their bodies? Why do you believe the body always speaks the truth and is a source to rely on?
I was saying JB isn’t your friend because you guys don’t behave like friends. You guys are behaving like romantic partners. Male and female friends DO NOT talk almost every day. I mean fundamentally, yes, you guys are friends, but there is something more that is growing between the both of you.
I’m so sorry your hair is getting thinner and that you are feeling older. Why not do something about that? It’s absolutely possible to feel super young, even in your 70s and 80s. Where I live, that population is many times more fit and vibrant than many of the 30 something crowd. Yes, they have minor aches and pains, BUT they look and feel amazing, always going on hikes, bike rides, ski adventures etc. and although they may feel older, they don’t feel “old.” It’s really spectacular to see that population so darn healthy! Hair thinning usually has to do with nutrition. Feeling old has a lot to do with nutrition as well. I know A LOT about nutrition and it can make or break how a person feels. Maybe check out this book: https://www.amazon.com/Medical-Medium-Cleanse-Anthony-William/dp/1401958451
AND…I believe you are giving the outside more power than it deserves. There are PLENTY of people that society would call ugly or unattractive who have found love. Love and connection are powerful. I have dated very unattractive men before because there was something about their insides that made them appear more attractive to me. Energy and how someone feels about themselves is THE MOST IMPORTANT part. You are worth loving and knowing JUST AS YOU ARE! When you TRULY start to know that, men will be attracted to that. I’ve seen it happen a gazillion times to people. I used to experiment all of the time with this for myself. When I was feeling lame and down on myself, no matter how much I tried to fake it when I went out that I was a badass, I never got nearly as much attention as when I would feel aligned and in my power. There were ALWAYS very distinct differences. It taught me how important it was to have self-love.
Of course, you are still going to get triggered! Everything always releases in layers when you are ready to deal with it. It’s okay!!! So what that’s it’s been 2 years. Something may happen even 5 years down the road. It’s normal! We don’t know the depths of what we are still carrying in our subconscious until it reveals itself, so whenever it shows up, you just say “hello, thank you for showing me that you are here. What do you want to tell me and teach me?”
I don’t know a single person alive who doesn’t carry HUGE wounds from their lives. It’s just part of being human. We can still love because WE ARE MORE than our wounds. YOU ARE MORE than this wound you carry. Love is more than the wounds we carry. The quality of love may vary, of course. Your ability and quality of love live at a certain frequency. You will attract and be attracted to someone who hangs out around the same frequency. Then you both love each other at that level of frequency. We all do the very best we can with our ability to love, but our wounds get in the way and limit the kind of love we allow ourselves to receive and give. That’s why it’s important to constantly do the person work, so we can clear away the gunk that acts as a block to love. It’s ALWAYS a work in progress…for the rest of our lives. I sure as heck am not going to wait to love until all my wounds are cleared out. I can still love WITH my wounds. I can still be loved WITH my wounds. So maybe work on shifting your perception??
Heidi
I bet it feels so great to upgrade your flat and to give it a new look! It really is happening at the perfect time in your life! It’s sooooo so helpful to have “projects” and something to focus on during a breakup. I love that you get to have a lot of family time and I love that you are able to talk about it and not feel anything negative. It sounds like you are at peace right now about it!
Heidi
Hi Leondra,
Thank you for sharing your email. It was very thoughtful and heartfelt!! For a guy though, I imagine he might have gotten lost in a lot of it, especially in text form. In general, it’s really important to speak to a man in very clear, concise ways. It’s more their language. So for future reference, you want to JUST APOLOGIZE and not throw in all of the other feelings, confusions etc. because in your email, the apology kind of got lost. Most of your email was about how confused and sad you were. When it comes to apologizing, especially through email, you want to keep it really super simple. Something like, “I just wanted to apologize for my behavior. I am embarrassed with how I handled it and as I looked closer at my reaction over the past few days, I was able to discover what my trigger was. I want to be better with how I handle my emotions, so I don’t keep emotionally vomiting my past on you, as it’s not yours to fix. I am a work in progress though. So again, I am sorry for how I made you feel and I am sorry that you felt you had to push me away. I will give you the space you need and will be here whenever you are ready to talk. I love you.”
Does this make sense?
For right now, you need to NOT call him, DO NOT have anyone else call him either. You are adding “pressure” again which is the exact thing he pushed you away for. So it’s really important that you give him the space he needs and deal with your emotions and feelings on your own and not look to him to make you feel better. It’s not his job anyway. What can you do to help yourself deal with your feelings? How can you help yourself have more patience? Do you have anyone who can help guide you through working with your emotions in a better way?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
It sounds like you are excited about becoming a coach! Do you have an idea about what specifically you want to help someone with? Meaning, what specific problem do you feel equipped to help someone else solve in their life? Knowing that makes a HUGE difference in your path! You can start to create your systems and process around that particular problem. For example, I specifically coach women who are wanting to fall in love. I help teach them the things to look for, help them get VERY clear about what they want and how to date in a very specific way when looking for love – which is very different when just dating around. I also went through a phase where I just helped women through breakups. So again, what problems do you want to help someone solve in their life? Do you want to work with men or women? What age group? What income status? These are things you want to think about.
“I am actually enjoying the slow progress in our friendship. I don’t want to define it in any other way, unless a definition is 100% accurate!” Vino, JB is NOT your friend. You don’t have “friend” feelings for him and that is not how he is viewing you either. Yes, you are building a friendship, but there are romantic feelings involved. You are not ready to meet him because you are afraid. You guys have been communicating this way for months! The longer you guys continue to meet this way, the larger the risk it will be to meet in person. Meeting in person COULD ruin all of it. What if you don’t like him in person? What if he doesn’t like you in person? It’s a new level and THE MOST IMPORTANT level for developing your relationship. You are risking losing him, by meeting him in person. Nothing is truly real until you meet in person. It’s going to take a lot of courage to meet in person, but I still recommend that STRONGLY. The sooner the better. You won’t ever feel 100% ready because of how scary it will feel. You need to do it anyways so you don’t let this fantasy life with him continue to occupy your every day. This is your heart Vino. You are going VERY deep with a man you have never met in person. It’s a powerful connection. You need to care enough about your heart to not continue to connect with someone on such deep levels when you haven’t met him yet. Just a thought.
Heidi
