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Hi Katy!
I’m so glad you are feeling the peace inside about all of this. I’m really glad to hear that your confidence and self love is slowly building.
Would you consider NOT taking him back? Would you be willing to say, “this guy ghosted me. He did not honor or respect me with his honesty. He ran and just bailed. He does NOT get to come back into my life.” The truth is Katy, he is still the same person. Even if he did come back and you guys got back together, he WILL abandon you. Maybe he won’t ghost you and completely disappear, but abandonment can look many different ways in a relationship. His coping mechanism is to disconnect. That is how he deals with his life. The ONLY way for that to change is if he did some deep inner work. So knowing that even if he did want you back, would you be willing to go through this again?
I also just wanted to highlight something. You said: “I guess a part of me is glad that I won’t be too much of a bother if I contact him later on to just simply catch up, knowing that he contacted me first. ” That’s a window into your deep subconscious. It’s a statement of how you feel about yourself. I’m only pointing this out to help bring awareness. Us humans live from what we are connected to consciously, which is only about 20% of the information that is truly there. This means that 80% of our subconscious influences how we feel the decisions we make – meaning, most of what we do, we THINK we are aware of the reasons why, but not really. I specialize in the language of the subconscious. THere are all kinds of signs and symptoms of what’s happening beneath the surface, we just have to pay attention. So your statement about “being a bother” is a sign from the subconscious about how you REALLY feel about yourself in relationship to him. So it’s important to try and catch these moments so you can begin to shift it! Just something to think about.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Okay Vino. I’m happy to keep traveling down this road with you. I love that you want to know and understand how I am receiving what you are saying. Granted, this platform can really create a lot of misunderstandings, so I’m sure that is at play right now.
Here are several of many statements you have made about women, just on this page alone. Here is the thing Vino. I know you believe that it is a very logical approach to how you feel about women. What I have noticed over all of this time, is women are a target for you. Men and women don’t get an equal chance with you. You are NOT neutral about women. You favor men because you feel more safe with them. There is a PART of you that fundamentally does not feel safe with women. Even since you were a child, you wanted to be with the boys instead. There is a reason for that. If you were to objectively read all of these statements, you would see that there is a very strong undercurrent of anger and a lack of trust running at your core around women. I know you FEEL neutral and open to women. I know you have female friends as well. It does not change the energy and beliefs that you carry about women at your core. You DO have a part of you that wants to connect with women, the very best way that you can. So you have split energy. A part of you wants to be friends with them and another part of you carries quite a bit of contempt. The part of you that carries the anger towards women, is that part that I am referring to. I DO NOT mean to insinuate that it’s all of who you are, because I also very clearly see the other part of you that feels open to connecting with women.
“What kind of a relationship DO i want with women?” And my answer was very clear – I don’t.
“I honestly don’t feel the need to bond with a woman on an emotional level. I don’t even know what that looks like. Is it being able to share secrets with each other? vulnerability maybe? no… it feels too dangerous to be vulnerable with a woman. In all my honesty and openness in my communications with you, i have still maintained control. I don’t know if i can go to a place where i have no control, with a woman. It’s just SO MUCH less scarier with a man!”
“I don’t have an emotional attachment to women. I am able to form emotional attachments to men.”
“So – i’m an not rejecting women or feminine energies. I am rejecting toxic feminine energies and women who are full of them.” True…as you should. But you seem to have an aversion to toxic women MORE than men. You don’t treat, view or experience men and women equally. Meaning, we are all just people. We ALL, male or female, should be loved and accepted and rejected according to who we are and the kind of experience we offer to you. The truth is, you have HUGE walls up simply because I am a woman and you would be more accepting of me if I were a man – even before knowing me. It’s a form of prejudice – you behave towards women with the same energy as someone who is judging a person by the color of their skin or the shape of their eyes. This is not a bad or wrong thing Vino. You have a lot of woundedness around women. It’s just something to notice and work on whenever you feel inspired.
“I do approach women with less trust and more caution. But i haven’t cut them out of my life completely. I do enjoy my female friendships. I just haven’t been AS satisfied with them. They don’t ‘hit the spot’. And that is just a neutral observation, not a negative one against women. It’s like saying i like oranges more than apples”
“Every single situation in my past, when i made friends with a girl or a woman, it was simply because it was inappropriate for me to make friends with a boy or a man at the time. I’ve never sought out a relationship with a woman because i wanted to. It was simply because i had no choice. Given the choice, i would’ve chosen the boys and the men – every – single – time!”
“there are very few role models for healthy femininity!” There are a TON of role models of healthy femininity all around you. You just don’t have the eyes to see them, due to the woundedness you carry. You view women through your wounded lens, so that is all you are going to see.
“Bottom line is – I can’t think of a single good reason to be friends with a woman, if i could be friends with a man instead. So, basically, i don’t care for ‘completely different experiences with women’. i see no value in it. none at all. absolutely nothing.”
You know you are healed and TRULY neutral when you have NO defenses against women. Meaning, you feel safe, open and willing to connect with a woman, DEEPLY…if she is able to offer a healthy experience for you. She WILL hurt you, she WILL disappoint you, she WILL reject you – at times, because that comes with the territory of ANY relationship – with a man or a woman. You know you are truly neutral when you equally feel the value of deep, connected relationships with men AND women.
Hope this helps and looking forward to continuing this very dynamic topic.
Heidi
Okay! Now it makes sense about painting the “toilet.” hahaha! So is that normally what you guys call a bathroom? Do you all say “I need to go to the toilet” instead? Or something like that…
I love that you are just being present. It is really great that you both are learning how to be around each other and be a good team. It is a good friendship! And I love that you don’t need it to be anything more than what it is. You probably have some sense of how he feels at the moment too, with his house. When you have projects that are sooooo big, they can be all consuming. The heart gets very occupied and makes you less available for dating. You BOTH just want to finish your projects and be done with it. Maybe this is part of the reason why he was emotionally unavailable. Either way, it doesn’t matter. It can start back up again, maybe at some point. Maybe not. Who knows and again, staying with what is present for the moment is the secret to just staying peaceful and I’m so glad that is what you are naturally seeing. You guys can go have a fun dinner and maybe order pizza and watch a movie and just be friends. It sounds quite wonderful!
I’m glad you are stubborn. Your grandma is getting a taste of her own medicine. She sounds quite stubborn as well, so I’m sure she might see some of herself in you.
Heidi
Hi Mel,
I totally misunderstood the married thing! lol. I see now that you were talking about the ex being married and not him.
Let me answer your other post here. Maybe try this: https://www.aprilbeyer.com/services/matchmaking/
It’s actually free. She is spectacular by the way! I’ve been following her for over a decade and she always produces wonderful content. Anyways, it’s the men that pay for her matchmaking service. Then she creates a HUGE database of available women (free to the women) for her to match with her male clients. You will apply and basically, you will either get a call and go through an interview type of thing if she has a guy you might match with, or you won’t get a call. She only reaches out if she feels you could be a potential person for one of her clients. Here is another matchmaking type of service. I’m not sure how they are doing these days though…I’m sure their model has changed since Covid. https://itsjustlunch.com/Here is another dating platform: https://www.jdate.com/en-us It’s for Jewish people (originally), but I have heard such great things about this app from random people over the years. I personally have never gone on there. You do not have to be Jewish btw.
Okay….so let’s talk about you for a minute. I’m sensing that you have some worry about being single at your age. Do you know where this comes from? I’m wondering why it’s a concern of yours. Maybe because you want children? Do you feel having children is a crucial part of your life? I want to encourage you to really face the feelings that are coming up for you. I’m single, never been married and I’m 46. I LOVE my life! I have no need to have a man. Do I want the love of my life to show up? Absolutely!!! AND….I am patient, I am in no rush, my life is very fulfilling and I trust we will meet when we are supposed to. I know the energy the energy you are feeling though. I’ve been there and underneath those feelings, I found all kinds of limiting beliefs and lies I was believing in, which caused me to want to “rush” the process. Finding a guy to fall in love with and create a family and give your heart to, is one of the most sacred and most important decisions of your life. You don’t want to go into it with the energy of “I’m getting older and I need to find a guy.” That energy will most definitely lead you down a path that isn’t healthy. It’s not that you stop dating and looking, but you want to date and have fun, WITHOUT pressure. You want to date because it’s fun, you are opening yourself to new possibilities, but there is no rush, no need to make anything happen before you get “too old.” Maybe consider freezing some eggs, maybe consider that adopting would be okay for you. Maybe consider that you may end up falling in love with a guy who already had a vesectomy or is sterile or who knows! If kids are not essential for you, then you have all the time in the world and your age doesn’t matter. If having your own kids is non-negotiable, then maybe consider the options I just listed to guy you some time and take some of the pressure off.
Let me know your thoughts!
Heidi
Hey there!
I just wanted to check in. I’m sure you are super busy, especially now that you have a guy you are connecting with on a daily basis. Stay connected here! Now, is the most important time for you to keep us in the loop about your guy, so you can have some objective views about what is happening between both of you. I know falling in love is a super powerful experience, but making sure you move forward with your eyes wide open, is soooooo important.
Let’s keep talking about what I mentioned in the last post…his money beliefs and his need for you to always look good and great.
Thoughts on those?
Heidi
Wow! It sounds like it was a really great day together. It sounds like he is opening up a bit more and you are too and being more connective and available. This is great! I’m not saying it has to lead anywhere though. I think it’s such a great experience for BOTH of you to be able to re-connect in this way and experience each other in a new light compared to dating. You get to feel more yourself and he gets to feel more himself.
Okay…so I’m confused. You are painting your toilet??? For real??? Or were you joking?
Of course grandma has an opinion. lol. It’s how she feels her value in this world, no doubt. I’m sure she has a gazillion opinions about you. Hopefully some of them at least include what a badass woman you are!
Heidi
Hi Gina,
I’m glad you are able to embrace a different perspective. What I would suggest is to talk to him about it and find out EXACTLY what his experience is. Create a safe space for him to open up and be honest about whatever he is feeling. I don’t know if he will share, but he will at least know that you are interested in learning about him. At the very least, saying something like, “I know you are finalizing your divorce. That has to be hard and I imagine you might be feeling a lot of different things about it. I would love to know how I can best support you through this. Is there anything I can do better for you? I’m a little lost on how to support you, so I’m listening.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Alicia!
Welcome! I’ll respond to your post here, but if you could create your own thread, it will help us keep track of everyone and make sure each person gets everything they need.
I’m soooooo sorry for the hurt you feel. It’s shocking, isn’t it? To connect so strongly and bond and then to have him just pull away as if it is nothing….ouch! That hurts like crazy!
First, it’s important to understand that men experience relationship sooooo much differently than us ladies. You guys moved REALLY fast in the beginning. You were bonding, he was not. That’s pretty typical. Even though you talked quite a bit and then were intimate, he was most likely not putting much meaning on it. He was most likely just having some fun and not taking it too seriously. It tends to take a lot longer for men to bond compared to women. Most women, within the first date are picturing whether or not that guy could be their future husband. Men, on the other hand, are thinking about sex. This is generally speaking of course, but it truly highlights some of the biggest differences about how we date, especially when things first start out.
I’m glad you are finding out sooner than later how unavailable this guy is. The kind of guy who blames you for being “smothering” all the while he is not communicating, is the kind of guy you want to RUN AWAY from. That’s a HUGE red flag right there telling you he is not a good communicator and when you confront him, he is going to blame it on you. You don’t want that kind of drama and rejection in your life. He obviously is not ready, nor willing to truly have a deeper, more meaningful experience with a woman. I know he is rejecting you, but I like to look at it as, he is rescuing you from a really messy rollercoaster ride – with him.
I know it still hurts and it will sting for a while longer, but hopefully this experience will teach you to take things MUCH SLOWER in the future. The slower things develop, the more time there is to TRULY know someone BEFORE getting hooked, especially sexually. Making a guy wait and making yourself to wait before heading into that energy, is soooo healthy for building a good foundation anyways. It gives the “getting to know you” phase more breathing room.
Heidi
Hi Mel!
Welcome! Interesting questions. Yes, matchmakers can work. It just depends on how big the database is and how involved the process is. Everyone is so different.
Are you wanting to fall in love and have a long term experience or are you just wanting to be casual?
There are so many different dating apps and I have heard a wide range of experiences for all of them. I think what is most important is that you use whatever app will align with your mindset. Filling out the eharmony profile is an extensive and mulitple hours kind of thing. People who are willing to go through that have most likely a more serious relationship kind of mindset vs. something like match or tinder where it takes 10 minutes to fill out a profile. You will find more people on those apps that are more casual/hook up kind of mindset.
Share a little more about what you are looking for and we can better guide you!
Heidi
OMG!!! Your floor is done! That is spectacular!!! I bet it feels so amazing to have it completed and I bet it looks beautiful!! yayaya!
Soooo…how was it?? That’s a long day together. Anymore flirting? Im curious…how did you feel inside yourself around him?
Man…your grandma really did a number didn’t she? Meaning, she really impacted and imprinted a lot of negative beliefs. Sheesh! That’s some yucky stuff! I’m glad you are connecting to it and working on re-programming. I’m glad you are breaking the cycle!!!! Well done!
Heidi
Hi Vino,
There is soooo much to say! It truly is a great conversation and even in your reflections back to me, I am seeing how I need to say some things differently. You are a great teacher!
With that being said, we can keep talking in circles about feminine energy, but it seems you are quite set in wanting to believe what you believe about women and that’s okay! You truly are doing sooooooo much work on yourself and seeing and feeling some great results. That’s all that matters anyway. You are doing so much self-discovery work right now that I think dissecting your perspective on women is just distracting. So how about we shelf this topic of women for now and just keep on track with what resonates for you…yes?
Heidi
Hi Mel,
Welcome to the forum! You are asking a great question!
First, the guy who is married is unavailable. I’m wondering why you are even considering him. What is happening for you that you would even be available for a man who is already committed to another woman? That is INSTANT competition and an unhealthy start to a relationship…unless, of course, the marriage is open and there is an agreement.
Second, yes…the kids come first. The older they are, the more self-sufficient they are, therefore he is going to be more available. However, how the family functions is quite varied. Do they like each other? Are they forgiving people? What are their individual relationships like compared to them as a family, even though they are not “together?”
Bottom line is, yes it can completely work and you can fit in quite nicely IF the dynamics between him and his children are healthy. Men especially, tend to not have the best boundaries with their kids after divorce. Men tend to try to make up for hurting the kids by trying to keep them as happy as possible and not have good boundaries. So before you really open your heart to this guy, there is still a lot of information you need to gather, before you really consider involving yourself with a family. Because you won’t be just dating him…he comes with the full package and you want to SEE and KNOW that package is something you WANT to fit into.
It’s a lot of work when kids are involved, no matter what. Is that a journey you are willing to step into?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
All the texts have different purposes. They are all very powerful and helpful, however not 100% successful. Nothing is. There are so many dynamics in a situation and so many things out of your control. There are a million unknowns for each situation, so learning how and when to use the texts, how to customize them, the timing of them etc. is quite the art form. And even at best, they still may not work. Unfortunately, that is the reality of love and especially dating. It’s unpredictable and we really don’t have much control over how things progress.
Learning the texts is so helpful in the sense that you are learning some effective ways to communicate to men. It may not work on this guy, but it could work on the next guy. The texts are a teaching tool to help you understand men a little more and some of the words and phrases that men tend to respond to. Whether they work on your current situation or not, learning to communicate in these ways is a skill you will use for the rest of your life!
As far as your guy, it sounds like he has backed off quite a bit. Is he someone you want to continue getting to know? It’s quite fishy how he is behaving, so I just suggest to tread carefully and keep your options open for other experiences.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Odira,
Welcome! I can see why this is confusing for you, so I’m glad you are here to try and understand what is happening.
The first thing I would like to recommend is to never use the hero instinct when it involves an ex – especially if there is any kind of unhealthy behavior happening. The reason is, you don’t want to have a new guy, who you just met, to get involved with your ex. First, the new guy is going to see that you attracted and were in a relationship with someone who is turning into a stalker guy. That is a reflection of you not choosing very well. Second, when you are not setting strong, healthy boundaries and allowing this new guy to “rescue” you in some sort of way, he will see that you are not taking care of yourself and you are already relying on him to “help” you, because you are not doing that yourself. Men want to know a woman can take care of herself and not rely on him to “rescue” her. Even though they do like to rescue us and we like to be rescued, it is not a healthy behavior to use when trying to disconnect and create boundaries with an ex. You JUST met this guy and already he is seeing the drama that is following you and that your past relationship is incomplete. That is not something most guys are willing to step into. So my guess is, it’s just too much for him and he is not willing to get involved with any of it.
He is also not being very honest, which is a HUGE RED FLAG!!! The fact that he cannot just flat out tell you, “I’m not interested” and instead is making plans with you then not following through, is a guy who is not aligned with his integrity. AND…you are the one that broke it off and then you are wanting to try again…you don’t sound very clear and you are already creating a rollercoaster with this brand new guy. By wanting him back, you are telling him “Sure…go ahead and ghost me, go ahead and be flaky, go ahead and play games….I’ll let you treat you me that way.” That is teaching him that he actually does not have to be respectful of you, your time, your energy, your heart. It’s telling him that he can treat you however he wants and you will still end up chasing him.
Is this what you want?
Heidi
Hi Gina,
Welcome! I understand your question and it’s an important question.
I’m wondering, what is the rush?? He isn’t even officially divorced yet and you are wanting him to commit to the next phase of his life. Have you ever been divorced?? There is A LOT that happens once those papers are signed. It’s quite significant actually. Yes, the relationship is over and probably has been for awhile, but there is something that still happens for someone emotionally and spiritually when they sign the papers to officially break the contract. It’s the end of a dream they committed to with someone. It represents failure. It represents a new identity and label of being “divorced.”
My suggestion is for you to slow down quite a bit. He is going to need some time to process anything that comes up for him. He is going to need some time to feel whatever he needs to feel. It can awhile for emotions and thoughts to surface, depending on the person and how well they know themselves and how strongly (or not) they are connected to their emotions. Right now, he needs your support instead of questioning whether or not he wants to be with you. He needs you to give him space. He needs you to understand that divorcing is a REALLY BIG DEAL! He needs you to honor that he is doing the best that he knows how right now AND he is limited and not able to give you what you want.
Is this something you can give you to him?
Heidi
