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Hey there!
I’m glad you talked about how you feel about slowing down. Let’s break this down a little bit.
The truth is, BOTH of you are sharing information and exchanging energetic connections. You BOTH are going to create an “idea” or “fantasy” about who the other is, according to the information and shared feelings. Yes, it is what it is and neither of you can do anything about what is happening right now, so it’s all you both have. You guys are doing what anyone else would be doing. So what does it mean to slow down?
It just means staying grounded in reality. What does that actually look like in action? It means catching yourself and even him, when you start to go down planning for the future. Your mind has been planning your entire future with him. It sounds like his mind is doing the same thing. This is the part where it gets dangerous because you guys are energetically bonding in some very deep ways by planning the future together – and you have not even met yet. So what that looks like is…instead of him saying “I want to have a family ‘with you'” a healthier way to say that would be “I want to have a family.” Instead of you thinking how to manage your bank accounts together and how to have a conversation about that, you want to instead just learn about his relationship with money. It’s not that you don’t plan future stuff together. It’s fun! But the things you plan would be things less serious and that only couples who have been together awhile are able to talk about, because they truly know each other. Planning things like travel, events and adventures are good things to imagine with him. Other than that, until you meet and really get to know each other, other things are best not discussed until you are able to meet and spend time with each other. What Kanya was basically saying was that there is sooooooo much to learn about him, that discussing having a baby together or how to manage money together is putting the cart before the horse. It’s FAST and forward kind of talk without enough information to know if you guys even like each other in person. Does this make sense what we are saying about slowing down a bit?As far as the money beliefs he carries, tell me your thoughts about the 5 things you listed. I’m curious to see what YOU think about them. We will definitely keep talking about them, because I am seeing some potential red flags here as well.
“Then he paused for a good while, and when I asked what he wants to say. He mentioned that he wants me to always look good and great.” How did this make you feel? What was your very first, initial reaction inside when he mentioned this?
Heidi
Hi Emilie
I LOVE how you guys were able to connect and just be comfortable with each other. It sounds like you have re-connected in a good way. I think you are right..without the “pressure” it allows you guys to just be. Nice!
Schools started this week for where I am at. Many schools are online now and some are opening up to “in person” again. I don’t know how this is going to go. It’s a risk for sure. I’m not much connected to the news either. I find it best to stay away. The depressing commentary is not something I want to listen to personally. I hear plenty of updates from my clients and that pathway is okay for me :).
We do things “bigger” here in the U.S., don’t we? The think I noticed most is how BIG our meals are! They are like double and triple the size compared to many other countries. Fascinating! Our homes are definitely bigger as well. I wonder why. I wonder how all of that got started in the first place.
Heidi
“Lastly – the men who hurt me – tried to re-bridge the gap. the women did not. So, i’ve been valued more by men than by women.”
This is an interesting story you have created around your experiences. Think about it though. If you carry an energy code that women cannot be trusted and women will not value me, then those are the exact experiences that will come into your life. Our “codes” are like magnets. What if you changed that code? You could have completely different experiences with women if you wanted to!“You cannot love a person, if you don’t also respect them. I don’t understand why women don’t understand that!” Love and respect are very different things. That’s why a person can feel love without respect – or at least “believe” that what they are feeling is love. I could talk about this very topic for HOURS! Basically, most people choose who to connect with from their woundedness and NOT from a clear, divine, high conscious place. The majority of people think that just because they feel those “feelings” of connection, the chemistry, the draw to another person, that they should follow that feeling. The first thing I always coach people on is to question those feelings and DO NOT let them lead you. The truth is, there is always going to be a percentage of those feelings coming from our woundedness. The goal is to have a small percentage coming from that space and a LARGE percentage coming from clarity and self-love. Basically, when someone is able to “love” another even though they do not respect the person, they have chosen to “love” from a place of woundedness – they just are not aware of that.
“And in one swell swoop, she forgot all of that hard work, and saw me as weak and frail because i was able to explain to her what depression truly feels like! I hate that! it grosses me out! I don’t need her sympathy or empathy or even her ‘love’ whatever that means! at times like that, the only thing that has any value is RESPECT! And she only knows how to respect men. Specifically – Dad.” So it sounds like you are following in the footsteps of your mother of only being open to respecting men and not women. I know you are further along than your mother in that area, but you struggle with the same thing she struggles with. No doubt she has contributed to the codes you carry about women, beyond the sexual abuse you encountered from women. I’m so sorry for what you have had to endure in your life. It’s awful, all the way around. The effects are scary and you lived your life anyways, you moved forward anyway and you have picked yourself back up a million times over and you will again. Well done Vino!
“But, i really need to be at a totally dead end before i ask for help. And i don’t see anything wrong with that. You see… when i get to that dead end place… i will trust you to such a degree that i won’t question anything you say. I will blindly do what you tell me, because i KNOW i need your help.” This makes me kind of sad, to be honest. Asking for help is a way to bring in support to help you relieve the load you carry. It’s like you want to carry this million pound load on your back, all the while there are people ALL AROUND YOU that could help you release what you are carrying, but you are saying “NO WAY! I would like to stay in my suffering and deal with all by myself, until my legs and body collapse and I can’t take it anymore. And then by that point, you are in such a desperate state and in HIGH NEED of restoration, that you will give your power and authority away to someone you choose to accept help from. It doesn’t have to be this way Vino. A healthy person has a LOW PAIN TOLERANCE!!! A healthy person has no interest in suffering any longer than they have to and will constantly seek help and support from others to help them clear and collapse the emotional weight they are carrying. Yes, you can do a lot on your own and yes, you should! AND…why wait until you collapse to reach out for guidance?? To me, that makes your life that much harder. To me, that is being in a strong relationship with suffering and not healing. The suffering serves you somehow. Doing it all by yourself until you collapse is serving you somehow and is a pattern that actually can cause more harm than good. ust something to think about. I’m not trying to change your mind. Just intending to shine a light on the patterns that keep you limited and stuck in your life. I personally want to get through my own patterns as fast as possible. I don’t want to waste any more time than I have to, dealing with wounds from my past and the programs that live in me. Having help just accelerates my healing 100 fold! There is no way in a million years, had I decided to do most of the healing on my own, that I would be at the level I am at today. The freedom I get to feel, the emotional stability that just naturally lives within me now, the trust and love I carry in myself, the peace I feel in my life….it’s worth every penny I have spent to have help to get here FASTER! Truth is, there just are some things you cannot clear and heal on your own.
Good stuff coming out Vino. Thank you for continually sharing your journey with us.
Heidi
Hi Katy,
I thought this was a very wise and observant statement that you made:
“I think that’s when I could finally tell myself that I’ve tried all that I could, yet it just won’t mend. That’s when I completely give into the fact that there’s nothing more I can do. I realized that this does end up being an unhealthy pattern for me AND for the other person. However, I guess you could say I’m selfish in only thinking about coping for myself.” This is just a coping mechanism. We all have our ways of trying to relieve the suffering. Again, our feelings are NOT facts, yet we give them soooooo much authority in our lives that it’s common to allow them to lead us into unhealthy experiences. Bottom line is, we are ALWAYS making decisions based on either pain or pleasure. We want to relieve the pain or we want to feel the pleasure. So your particular emotional system keep trying to “save” relationships that are not healthy for you, in effort to avoid feeling the pain of a breakup. The goal is, allowing ourselves to feel the pain and being okay with it. It sucks, of course, AND it’s only temporary and will be relieved in a much faster way by dealing with them head-on instead of trying for the quick fix of trying to save a relationship. That path will just ADD TO the pain even though it would temporarily relieve the pain if you got back together. By dealing with the loss of a breakup straight on, you are loving yourself. You are releasing what no longer serves you, you are strengthening your resilience and teaching yourself that it’s okay to hurt AND you know how to heal and get back up on your feet. Knowing you can handle pain when it shows up, drastically increases your self-trust and a feeling of safety in your life. Instead, you are searching for “him,” whoever he may be at the time, to create that feeling of safety for you. If you keep searching for “him” to fulfill you, in whatever way he is willing to, you are guaranteed to have a very tumultuous relationship in your future and most likely a breakup, because you are choosing “him” from a place of woundedness and needing “him” to complete you vs. you completing yourself, being so full of self – love and KNOWING that you do not need anyone to feel fulfilled and happy in your life. Imagine choosing a guy from a love abundant mindset. What if you had 5 guys that were chasing you and 1 of them, let’s say ghosted you. Do you think it would bother you so much, knowing you have 4 other guys that were chasing after you and treating you well? You might feel a little pinprick of rejection, but I doubt you would go chasing after him, because you have plenty of your needs being met right where you are. That’s how you want to fill yourself up, ON YOUR OWN – as if your self-love and self-care was sooooo strong and fulfilling that when someone doesn’t show up in a way that is respectful and honoring to you, you are completely clear and okay that you need to release them and go your own way. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I’m so sorry for all the challenges you have had to face in your life. You’ve had a hard life in so many ways and much of those wounds are still affecting you today. It’s hard isn’t it?
“In general, i am not capable of being vulnerable with women. I tend to try to get a feel for their emotional and mental strength first, before i feel like i can trust them. If i feel like they are weaker than me in any way, i can’t lean on them. I have no desire to change this part of me, even if it is wrong.” I’m curious, you have been deeply hurt by men as well, yet you are more forgiving with them and much more willing to be in relationship with them. Why are you more forgiving with men compared to women? I understand the deep hurt you felt by that woman. It sounds like you still have some forgiveness work to do around her so you can free yourself from that. We ALL have experienced deep betrayals by people. It’s part of the human experience. I would hate to see you miss out on deep, close friendships because you would rather stay angry and skeptical because of this woman’s choice to not support you. I also understand your experience with that psychiatrist. It’s unfortunate. Keep looking though! In my mind, I want to be supported in my life by someone who is objective, can hold me accountable and is able to do deep healing work with me when I get triggered. I’ve had a Coach for about 5 years now and she will be part of my support for as long as she stays working. I wish everyone had someone like that. It makes life sooooo much easier! So don’t give up! You carry a lot of wounds from your life and working to clear as much of that as possible, will bring you an incredible amount of freedom!!! I know you are working a lot on your own too. The combination of all the work you do with a therapist or coach, can create hugely impactful results much faster than you just doing it all on your own. Besides, there just are some things where you need objective eyes and extra help. There really are some things that you can’t process all on your own. So maybe consider opening up to the idea of finding someone that can support you and see what happens. Maybe someone will all of a sudden cross paths with you. Just a thought
Heidi
Hi Rocio,
Oh wow! I am so sorry for what you are going through. I imagine you are deeply hurting and really confused. Let’s see if we can figure this out. I just have a few questions first.
1. Why are you guys on and off again? Do you keep breaking up over the same reasons? Who usually does the breaking up?
2. Explain a little more about this sex thing. If I understand correctly, his need for sex is stronger than yours and it sounds like you are not feeling fulfilled in other areas of your relationship, so maybe that is why you are being less sexual with him? What’s your perspective on how he feels about wanting more sex?
3. What do you feel is really missing in the relationship that would keep you guys together instead of going on this rollercoaster ride?Looking forward to your answers.
Heidi
Hi Vino,
This is really interesting. It sounds like there is a part of you really struggling to feel free. I wouldn’t suggest making at least 1 unwise decision a week. I’m not sure what that means for you or if you are actually joking. I get the concept you are talking about. But remember that those “unwise” decisions carry consequences and can really bring drama into your life. It feels like it’s a rebellious energy that you are dealing with. If you are needing to feel that part of yourself rebel, then I would suggest working with that part of yourself. Your need to rebel carries woundedness. Rebellion is not a peaceful energy. Rebellion is a destructive energy and has anger attached to it. Just something to think about.
“she said it wasn’t possible because we’re no longer young and fancy free.” This makes me sad that she said this. It’s not true. No, you are not young in age, but you are young at heart. Being an adult can be VERY fancy free!!! I feel so fancy free all the time! I have no need to rebel, I feel more free and love my life now, more than I ever have. I also don’t have a need to rebel though. Something in you is not wanting to “grow up” so to speak, which is why you are wanting to make “unwise” decisions. Whatever part of you is wanting to break rules and wanting to have adventures that could carry consequences for you – needs to be connected with. But your sister’s belief is a program running in her mind and her belief system that just simply isn’t true.
I LOVE the exercises you did! Well done! I hope you have continued that practice. It’s such a beautiful and powerful way to connect with yourself!!! I’m really proud of you! You really are unraveling a lot of stuff Vino. You are doing some great work!
Heidi
Hi Katy,
My best guess is, there is a disconnect happening here in your system. I’ve experienced that many times before. I will not feel something, yet my actions were showing me something different. For example, I have not been attracted to a guy before, yet I found myself thinking about him, reaching out and connecting and behaving as if I did have an attraction towards him. I also have disconnected from a guy, didn’t feel hurt, yet my actions showed me otherwise. My thoughts/feelings and my actions were not aligned. So from my perspective, all I have heard from you is your hurt and wanting him back – even as a friend. And now you are telling me that you don’t feel any hurt or pain. Sometimes our system will go on automatic shut down as a survival/coping mechanism. That may be why you don’t feel the pain. Truth is, you really invested in this guy. I imagine you planned your future with him. I’m sure you had many dreams of future experiences with him. You truly loved feeling cared about and connected with and having someone you got to connect with. When there is a breakup, the hardest part is the loss of those dreams. You may not miss him or feel the pain of the loss of him specifically, but maybe you would feel the pain of the loss of the dreams you created with him in it. Just something to think about. But it is a red flag that your actions and what you are saying here on the forum do not align with how you are actually feeling. It is something to explore in yourself. Maybe start journalin or maybe start talking into a recorder on a daily basis. Give your feelings and your words a place to go, ever single day. Give yourself permission to express whatever it is that you want to express. Do this every single day for at least a week and see if your feelings and words can align. Keep saying to yourself, “I give myself permission to feel. It’s safe to feel whatever it is that needs to come up.” Then see what happens. Maybe nothing will come up, maybe something will.
These are questions you can ask yourself and see what your answers are:
1. Do you still want to be friends with him?
2. If you found out he was with another girl right now, how would you feel?
3. If he reached back out and wanted to re-connect and if he apologized and wants you back, what would you do?If your initial, automatic answers are no, I’d be okay and I don’t want him back, then your words and feelings are aligned. If your answers are not those, then you are still holding on and still have some feelings in there that need to be resolved, even though you don’t connect to any pain or hurt. Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Tamara,
Welcome! Wow…I am so sorry to hear this. Your heart must be broken. It’s so awful to hear about the man you love breaking his integrity and then not even taking responsibility for it. Ouch!
Would you mind sharing a few more details? How did you find out he was cheating? How long ago was it? Does he actually know that you know? My guess is, if he is not calling to apologize, he is more in an avoidant stage where he is avoiding dealing with your hurt and not wanting to face you.
I do think a conversation does need to happen, but let’s talk about that.
Giving up on the relationship? It depends. It sounds like you were really happy, but maybe he was not. The #1 reason for people cheating is because of feeling lonely. I’m not saying that is his reason, but I think gathering more information about what happened for him is really important.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Yes, your house and your parents were goods distractions. I know you weren’t crying because of rejection, but I also have no doubt that some of the tears had that energy mixed in with all the other stuff. The loss of your parents, the feeling of powerlessness when your painting wasn’t the way you wanted, the tiredness. If you hadn’t gone through a breakup, my guess is, you wouldn’t feel as tired and you wouldn’t have cried about painting. You still probably would have cried about your parents leaving though. 🙂 Unprocessed rejection takes up a lot more room than you think. I get that it would be about the rejection specifically and not about him. Now that you have a little bit of room to breathe, I hope you get to know your rejection and work with it.
Are you nervous about seeing him again? How are you feeling about it? When is he coming over?
Heidi
Hi Katy,
You can talk with us as long as you want to! We are happy to stick with you through this transition period as well. No need to disconnect and go deal with this on your own. We are your support through this journey of discovering yourself, no matter what phase you are in!
If you close the doors completely, you are creating a brand new pattern, which is a great start! Yes, it’s painful and uncomfortable too. It’s never fun to release patterns that are causing you harm, because in some way, they were serving you and are part of how you know yourself. So making this choice to close the door, may be uncomfortable, but it WILL support your vision of increasing your self-love. Basically, all decisions can be made from this one question “Is it loving TO ME, to do….” The answer many times, is not always clear, but it’s an important question to start with as it leads to other places. When you start with that question, it helps you exist in your life and become a priority. This will be really hard at first, because it will feel uncomfortable. If you are feeling comfortable, that would be a sign that you most likely are operating from old patterns.
As you close the door on this guy, how are you going to support yourself? How are you going to process your hurt? How are you going to take care of yourself as you deal with this loss?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Thank you for the update! This is great stuff!
I’m so glad you were finally able to tap into your feelings of the loss. Family leaving, the painting and your ex calling it quits and not even asking how you are…it’s all hard and it sounds like it was hard enough that it activated your tears. Important right?
You still need some time to heal. You may not be directly connected to all your feelings, but if you watch your behaviors and decisions in your life, you will see some things that will show you, you are still carrying some hurt and need more time to heal. For example, you not wanting to deal with guys right now is a symptom of what is happening in your subconscious. Learning the language of your subconscious is one of the most powerful skills that can help you through your life. The subconscious communicates through our behaviors and decisions and if you know yourself well, you will notice when certain things are “off.” That’s about as much of a clue that you will get. So noticing you are not much into dealing with guys right now, would be a symptom. Your job is to then go down the rabbit hole to discover “Am I hurting or am I just needing to rest and take a break?” Once you shine a light and your attention on that “symptom” you will be able to gather more information. My guess is, regardless of how you are waking up to the dysfunctional aspects of your relationship, your heart was invested, you had hope for a future with him and he didn’t want to take that journey with you. Rejection is a very powerful trigger because it can trigger deep, unprocessed emotions that live in the catacombs (deep, small, hidden areas) of our psyche. My guess is, you are probably hurt, more than you realize and although your mind rationalizes it away, your heart has a different story.
Have you worked with your Coach on this yet?
Heidi
Hey there!
“Don’t you think he is quite a healthy type of guy?” I don’t know and neither do you. You haven’t met in person yet. It takes some time, even in person, to start to see ALL sides of someone and how they actually respond IN THE MOMENT vs. over texting or email. This is the biggest danger of getting connected and starting to love someone through long distance. In reality, BOTH of you are falling for a fantasy version of each other. The fantasy is the story you guys are making up about each other in your minds about the kind of person you THINK each other are, but in actuality, you have not EXPERIENCE with each other to know any of it is true. Nothing can replace being in person and seeing and experiencing a person’s initial reactions to their life.
“I have a question needing your advice. How do you talk about finances?” You don’t! You want to talk about joint accounts type of stuff and you haven’t met yet. SLOW DOWN!!!! I know this may feel impossible as you both are already imagining building a life together long term. The chemistry is flowing, the connection is strong and it’s great! Enjoy it for sure AND remember there is a HUGE missing piece here of being in person. What if he is horrible in bed or maybe he kisses in a way that is slobbery and agressive? What if he has a temper? What if he is not a touchy feely or romantic kind of guy? What if what he thinks he is, doesn’t actually show up in real life (I’ve seen this a ton btw)? If you want to talk about money, the more appropriate way to talk about it, is learning about his veiws of money. How does he relate to it? What does he think about it? What are his limiting beliefs around money? What are his good habits and not so good habits with money? You want to learn about his relationship with money – NOT how to manage money together. Make sense?
“I really don’t want to mess up this relationship by holding on to my past stories, fear and controlling thoughts. Any suggestions on how to let go of this negative thoughts?” This is impossible. We ALL hold onto past stories and most of the time, we don’t know what we are holding onto until someone triggers us. So it’s okay! It’s not the story that messes up relationships, it’s what we do or don’t do with those stories that messes up relationship. Whenever negative or limiting beliefs come up, deal with them instead of projecting. This is where I ALWAYS suggest for people to have a Coach or Therapist to work with. When you have an expert in your support system, you can work with them to clear those stories so you don’t get triggered as much AND when you do get triggered, you have someone to help you move through it in a much more healthy way. Everyone needs this forever! I used to need it consistently for months, but now that I have cleared so much of my gunk, I only use my Coach every once in a while when I face bigger triggers. BUT…I also know that when my guy shows up at some point, I will most likely be having weekly sessions with her so I have accountability and clarity as I move through something new in my life that is going to bring up and uproot my triggers. Basically, it’s okay to get triggered and have stories. The goal is to heal them when they come up.
This is a good conversation!!! Well done staying connected here and being vulnerable. You really are doing a great job!
Heidi
Hi Katy,
The fact that your main interest is about HIM and not putting your FULL 100% attention on yourself, is a symptom of you wanting to escape what you need to work on. There is NO WAY in 30 days that you will be able to shift this pattern you have. It’s going to take some time for you to truly re-design how you interact with your self and others. You WILL go back to square 1 MANY times. You have decades to undo. And if you do this all alone and without the guidance of someone who is an expert, like a therapist or coach (who can help you accelerate the process), then it could take YEARS.
With that being said, it’s not to say that you can’t practice with him. If he decided he wanted to work on himself as well, then that’s great! If he is someone who is not interested in truly improving his own patterns, then you will just be stepping back into the same exact pattern. It’s no different than someone dealing with an addiction. You are addicted to helping people at the expense of yourself. Would you tell someone coming out of recovery to re-connect with old friends they drank or did drugs with? Or would you encourage them to create a new way of being, new friends to socialize with and a new environment? It’s no different when dealing with emotions and patterns. If this is a pattern you truly want to change, then the very first choice you need to make is for YOU! Would it be a loving and caring thing for YOU to step back into a relationship with a guy who just disconnected like that? Is your reason for re-connecting with him even clear? Or is it your woundedness and VERY STRONG pattern that is wanting to re-connect? These are questions to consider.
No, being friends is NOT possible as long as you have feelings for him. If you were indifferent and didn’t care what he was doing, THEN you could be friends. But that is not the space you are in. How you are talking about him tells me you are in your addiction pattern and you wanting to re-connect will relieve the “withdrawal” symptoms you are having. So I would encourage you to close the door completely and deal with the feelings and discomfort that comes up fully and completely. Let him go. THEN…once you’ve processed everything and do not have a need to re-connect, THEN you can be friends should something like that show up as an opportunity.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Wow…first, what a powerful experience you had going to church and spending some quiet time with yourself. I would do that every Tuesday! It sounds pretty amazing! I wish more churches would offer something like that!
Second, you have finally tapped into some core hurts and loss. Of course their experience is about you too. Every single choice they make and how they interact in the world will affect you. I believe it’s the hardes thing in the world for a mother to learn how to step back once the children have become adults. They are beings that YOU created. They are parts of you, walking outside of your body and living in this crazy world. Even if they weren’t transgender, you still would need to be facing the loss of them as they separate and become their own beings. Maybe reconsider a support group? That’s the place where people WILL listen to you. The moderator controls the conversations and one of their main jobs is to allow space for people to share their struggles and questions. You will have other people there that purposefully will want to listen and support you as they will be able to understand your challenges like no other people can. I bet it would be really powerful for you as you learn how to navigate this. There truly is no need to go through this alone. JB is nice, but he will NEVER be able to understand. Find support!!! What you are going through is HUGE and challenging and it’s the kind of HUGE and challenging that I would be reaching out for support if it were me. You already have some stories around what it would like, but truth is, you’ve never tried it. So tell yourself a new story about how you could feel supported, heard and connected as you go through this layer you are dealing with. How amazing would THAT feel?! Just something to think about.
Heidi
