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Hi Katy,
This is great stuff! Thank you for staying connected with us and continuing to ask for guidance in learning about yourself!
Here is something that may be difficult to understand through this platform. Most people get it when I can teach them in person. Let’s see how this goes.
Just because you don’t feel something, does NOT mean it’s gone. Just because you do feel something, does not mean it’s true. So just because you don’t feel the hurt, the pain, the resentment etc. about him, it does not mean those feelings are gone. Since you have had years of pushing your feelings down and that was a way your system coped through life, my guess is, you most likely buried the hurt etc. You felt it for a few days and then they were gone. You felt some of it, but to be honest, after talking to a guy every single day for 5 months and getting really close and feeling him in your life every single day, to not feel hurt about his choice after a few days does not do it justice for how hurtful his choice was. If you were really connected to all that you feel, you would have several days in a row where you cried. You would need several days of anger and hurt and frustration and working through all of it. Also, another symptom that you are more connected to him than you realize, is how much you are still thinking about him. You are still bringing him into your life on a daily basis. You are counting the days of no contact. You still use quite a bit of your mental, emotional, spiritual energy on him. You are still hoping for some kind of future with him. You want to be friends??? If he ghosted you like this, are you sure you want to invite someone like that into your life, even as your friend? Reality is, you are NOT over him and you need more time. You haven’t closed the door in your heart to him. Your heart is still open to him and as long as that is happening, friendship is NOT possible. When you are willing to REALLY let him go, then the real healing can begin. THEN you might have more access to those feelings of hurt and pain.
What do you feel about this?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Thank you for sharing all you have. It’s very honest and raw and I truly appreciate that.
I’m just going to address one thing here.
“Bottom line is – I can’t think of a single good reason to be friends with a woman, if i could be friends with a man instead.”
First, why does it have to be either/or? It wouldn’t need to be being friends with a man instead of a woman. It’s about being freinds with EVERYONE.
Second, this isn’t about being friends with women, because you are supposed to for any reason. This is about you, bottom line. You are working so hard to heal yourself. I will tell you from experience, you will only get so far as long as you hold onto your beliefs about women. Rejection of women is a rejection of yourself. Believe me, I understand all you feel about women. I too have struggled a VERY LONG time with female energy. I grew up with boys, 2 brothers and a strong narcissistic father, I was abused by both men and women (the women were far worse) and the majority of my friends have always been male. The past 5 years, I have been slowly working on healing my relationship with feminine energy because I want to heal myself. I want to come into relationship with myself. I don’t want to carry any resentment, judgment, fear or resistence towards women anymore. Not for them, but for me. It’s not the kind of person I want to be in this world. AND I know that should I choose to hold onto any of that, it is an energy that will keep me limited and stuck and will only continue to attract negative experiences with women into my life. No thank you! I am done with drama, I am done with life being “hard,” I am done with suffering and I am done struggling. That means that I have to be willing to shift and transform anything that carries hurt, judgment, resentment etc. You are not a victim Vino. Blaming other women for your hurt is the story you CHOOSE to hold onto. These women were just being human – no different than you. You have caused a lot of hurt and pain towards others as well. It’s a part of life. If you want to choose to invest in the story you created, you absolutely get to do that. If you want to create a life that is more full of joy, internal peace, self-love and connection, freedom and empowerment, all the beliefs you carry will need to shift. You cannot give life to those beliefs AND have a joyful, vibrant. They are split energies. Yes, they can co-exist and yes, you can have moments of joy and laughter and vibrancy, but you will always be limited. If there is 1 waterfall sourcing 2 rivers, they will have a certain level of flow. If you shut down 1 river and have all the waterfall flow into 1 river, it’s that much more powerful. I’m sure you get my point.
So my question to you is this….what’s the point of healing and doing all of this work on yourself if you want to hold onto hurt and resentment and pain and fear about anyone? It’s like being on a hamster wheel. You can do all the work you want on yourself, but if you don’t face the core, root issues and if you don’t choose forgiveness and if you don’t face the anger and resentment you carry, then you really won’t get anywhere. You will just continue to attract experiences that support your beliefs. It’s the same exact thing your son is doing. He is depressed because he is not letting go of the past. Depression is anger turned inwards. There are ALWAYS consequences to holding onto any negative energy and giving it life, so the truth is, the only person you are hurting is yourself.
Again, I understand so much about how you feel about women – more than you realize. I just want to encourage you that none of this is about “other.” It’s truly only about you and how you want to feel in your life. I finally found someone specific to help me through healing the disconnect that still exists in me with female energy. I actually start on Monday. I want to heal. I’m NOT looking forward to it because of all the stuff I need to uproot, but I AM looking forward to how I will feel when I am done. I will feel more free, waaaay more empowered, I will become MORE of who I am and I will only get to enjoy my life that much more. And my life is already pretty badass. I love my life! AND I don’t want to hold onto the past anymore and I know this piece around female energy needs to be addressed more.
You are a powerful woman Vino in many, many ways. Imagine if you freed up all that energy you carry that is stuck in the past and it became part of your future and full of vibrant, powerful life energy instead of full of resentment, anger and fear. Your life would be soooooo much different! Your relationship with your kids would be that much stronger. Your ability to attract a male partner in your life that is more healthy will be that much more possible.
But of course, you get to resist and reject everything I have said. It’s your life, it’s your choice and it’s your design.
Heidi
Hi Katy,
I wish working more was a way to heal things! lol. I think if that were actually true, we would have a much healthier culture!
Unfortunately, the ONLY way to heal is to feel into what is coming up and work with it directly. When you distract yourself with work, it’s a nice break, but the feelings just end up getting buried and stored away in a nice, little, cozy box waiting for you to get triggered again and it will pop right back up again. We don’t forget…ever. The memories, the feelings, the smells, the sounds – all get stored in our body, brain, spirit and subconscious. The lack of feeling pain is NOT a sign of healing – unless you directly worked with and shifted that pain. Most people don’t want to take that path, because it’s hard. The rewards however, are AMAZING and life changing!
There is so much more to say, but I don’t want to overwhelm you. So let me know your thoughts on this and we can keep talking about it!
heidi
Hello there!
Welcome! You are asking a great question. It’s not uncommon for financial differences to break up a couple. It’s actually one of the top 3 reasons why people get divorced. Money is a HUGE part of each person’s life…whether they have it or not. Every single person has beliefs around money that are healthy and not healthy and whether a person wants to face those issues inside themself or not, is up to them.
It sounds like traveling and having a partner that is financially abundant is important to him. I’m wondering if maybe from past experience, he had a relationship where he paid for everything and maybe that didn’t work out too well. Regardless, it sounds like this is a pretty important issue to him. Maybe there is a way for him to still travel on his own, but then once a year, you save up enough money to go with him? I’m also wondering if there were other feelings he was having about your future, but not sharing them. He can say it’s about “money” because that is something you cannot fix at the moment, so it’s a way to end things without you trying to find loopholes in his reason. His reason is a pretty clearcut reason and you can’t really argue it.
I’m sorry this has happened. It’s so hard to be cut out so quickly out of someone’s life, especially when things are going so well. It’s important for you to see this about him though. If he cut out this quickly and easily, my guess is he is carrying around a lot of fear and he would have found some reason to end things at some other point. Better sooner than later.
Thoughts?
Heidi
It’s interesting that some of your friends believe he is still into you and that you should just go for it. What makes them think that? What are your thoughts on that?
Rejection, especially coming from a family member, is so impactful isn’t it? I’m glad you are connecting into it and learning how to shift that energy. We will all experience moments of rejection for the rest of our lives, so clearing the past and present makes it that much more manageable when it shows up again. Just curious, how exactly are you working on that aspect in yourself?
You know…there is a lot of truth to what you are saying that it’s believed more is better. It’s an old paradigm that I have no doubt is still influencing social behaviors today. Can you imagine living in a time where being fat was considered luxurious and a sign of being rich?? lol.
Heidi
Hey there!
I’m glad you talked about how you feel about slowing down. Let’s break this down a little bit.
The truth is, BOTH of you are sharing information and exchanging energetic connections. You BOTH are going to create an “idea” or “fantasy” about who the other is, according to the information and shared feelings. Yes, it is what it is and neither of you can do anything about what is happening right now, so it’s all you both have. You guys are doing what anyone else would be doing. So what does it mean to slow down?
It just means staying grounded in reality. What does that actually look like in action? It means catching yourself and even him, when you start to go down planning for the future. Your mind has been planning your entire future with him. It sounds like his mind is doing the same thing. This is the part where it gets dangerous because you guys are energetically bonding in some very deep ways by planning the future together – and you have not even met yet. So what that looks like is…instead of him saying “I want to have a family ‘with you'” a healthier way to say that would be “I want to have a family.” Instead of you thinking how to manage your bank accounts together and how to have a conversation about that, you want to instead just learn about his relationship with money. It’s not that you don’t plan future stuff together. It’s fun! But the things you plan would be things less serious and that only couples who have been together awhile are able to talk about, because they truly know each other. Planning things like travel, events and adventures are good things to imagine with him. Other than that, until you meet and really get to know each other, other things are best not discussed until you are able to meet and spend time with each other. What Kanya was basically saying was that there is sooooooo much to learn about him, that discussing having a baby together or how to manage money together is putting the cart before the horse. It’s FAST and forward kind of talk without enough information to know if you guys even like each other in person. Does this make sense what we are saying about slowing down a bit?As far as the money beliefs he carries, tell me your thoughts about the 5 things you listed. I’m curious to see what YOU think about them. We will definitely keep talking about them, because I am seeing some potential red flags here as well.
“Then he paused for a good while, and when I asked what he wants to say. He mentioned that he wants me to always look good and great.” How did this make you feel? What was your very first, initial reaction inside when he mentioned this?
Heidi
Hi Emilie
I LOVE how you guys were able to connect and just be comfortable with each other. It sounds like you have re-connected in a good way. I think you are right..without the “pressure” it allows you guys to just be. Nice!
Schools started this week for where I am at. Many schools are online now and some are opening up to “in person” again. I don’t know how this is going to go. It’s a risk for sure. I’m not much connected to the news either. I find it best to stay away. The depressing commentary is not something I want to listen to personally. I hear plenty of updates from my clients and that pathway is okay for me :).
We do things “bigger” here in the U.S., don’t we? The think I noticed most is how BIG our meals are! They are like double and triple the size compared to many other countries. Fascinating! Our homes are definitely bigger as well. I wonder why. I wonder how all of that got started in the first place.
Heidi
“Lastly – the men who hurt me – tried to re-bridge the gap. the women did not. So, i’ve been valued more by men than by women.”
This is an interesting story you have created around your experiences. Think about it though. If you carry an energy code that women cannot be trusted and women will not value me, then those are the exact experiences that will come into your life. Our “codes” are like magnets. What if you changed that code? You could have completely different experiences with women if you wanted to!“You cannot love a person, if you don’t also respect them. I don’t understand why women don’t understand that!” Love and respect are very different things. That’s why a person can feel love without respect – or at least “believe” that what they are feeling is love. I could talk about this very topic for HOURS! Basically, most people choose who to connect with from their woundedness and NOT from a clear, divine, high conscious place. The majority of people think that just because they feel those “feelings” of connection, the chemistry, the draw to another person, that they should follow that feeling. The first thing I always coach people on is to question those feelings and DO NOT let them lead you. The truth is, there is always going to be a percentage of those feelings coming from our woundedness. The goal is to have a small percentage coming from that space and a LARGE percentage coming from clarity and self-love. Basically, when someone is able to “love” another even though they do not respect the person, they have chosen to “love” from a place of woundedness – they just are not aware of that.
“And in one swell swoop, she forgot all of that hard work, and saw me as weak and frail because i was able to explain to her what depression truly feels like! I hate that! it grosses me out! I don’t need her sympathy or empathy or even her ‘love’ whatever that means! at times like that, the only thing that has any value is RESPECT! And she only knows how to respect men. Specifically – Dad.” So it sounds like you are following in the footsteps of your mother of only being open to respecting men and not women. I know you are further along than your mother in that area, but you struggle with the same thing she struggles with. No doubt she has contributed to the codes you carry about women, beyond the sexual abuse you encountered from women. I’m so sorry for what you have had to endure in your life. It’s awful, all the way around. The effects are scary and you lived your life anyways, you moved forward anyway and you have picked yourself back up a million times over and you will again. Well done Vino!
“But, i really need to be at a totally dead end before i ask for help. And i don’t see anything wrong with that. You see… when i get to that dead end place… i will trust you to such a degree that i won’t question anything you say. I will blindly do what you tell me, because i KNOW i need your help.” This makes me kind of sad, to be honest. Asking for help is a way to bring in support to help you relieve the load you carry. It’s like you want to carry this million pound load on your back, all the while there are people ALL AROUND YOU that could help you release what you are carrying, but you are saying “NO WAY! I would like to stay in my suffering and deal with all by myself, until my legs and body collapse and I can’t take it anymore. And then by that point, you are in such a desperate state and in HIGH NEED of restoration, that you will give your power and authority away to someone you choose to accept help from. It doesn’t have to be this way Vino. A healthy person has a LOW PAIN TOLERANCE!!! A healthy person has no interest in suffering any longer than they have to and will constantly seek help and support from others to help them clear and collapse the emotional weight they are carrying. Yes, you can do a lot on your own and yes, you should! AND…why wait until you collapse to reach out for guidance?? To me, that makes your life that much harder. To me, that is being in a strong relationship with suffering and not healing. The suffering serves you somehow. Doing it all by yourself until you collapse is serving you somehow and is a pattern that actually can cause more harm than good. ust something to think about. I’m not trying to change your mind. Just intending to shine a light on the patterns that keep you limited and stuck in your life. I personally want to get through my own patterns as fast as possible. I don’t want to waste any more time than I have to, dealing with wounds from my past and the programs that live in me. Having help just accelerates my healing 100 fold! There is no way in a million years, had I decided to do most of the healing on my own, that I would be at the level I am at today. The freedom I get to feel, the emotional stability that just naturally lives within me now, the trust and love I carry in myself, the peace I feel in my life….it’s worth every penny I have spent to have help to get here FASTER! Truth is, there just are some things you cannot clear and heal on your own.
Good stuff coming out Vino. Thank you for continually sharing your journey with us.
Heidi
Hi Katy,
I thought this was a very wise and observant statement that you made:
“I think that’s when I could finally tell myself that I’ve tried all that I could, yet it just won’t mend. That’s when I completely give into the fact that there’s nothing more I can do. I realized that this does end up being an unhealthy pattern for me AND for the other person. However, I guess you could say I’m selfish in only thinking about coping for myself.” This is just a coping mechanism. We all have our ways of trying to relieve the suffering. Again, our feelings are NOT facts, yet we give them soooooo much authority in our lives that it’s common to allow them to lead us into unhealthy experiences. Bottom line is, we are ALWAYS making decisions based on either pain or pleasure. We want to relieve the pain or we want to feel the pleasure. So your particular emotional system keep trying to “save” relationships that are not healthy for you, in effort to avoid feeling the pain of a breakup. The goal is, allowing ourselves to feel the pain and being okay with it. It sucks, of course, AND it’s only temporary and will be relieved in a much faster way by dealing with them head-on instead of trying for the quick fix of trying to save a relationship. That path will just ADD TO the pain even though it would temporarily relieve the pain if you got back together. By dealing with the loss of a breakup straight on, you are loving yourself. You are releasing what no longer serves you, you are strengthening your resilience and teaching yourself that it’s okay to hurt AND you know how to heal and get back up on your feet. Knowing you can handle pain when it shows up, drastically increases your self-trust and a feeling of safety in your life. Instead, you are searching for “him,” whoever he may be at the time, to create that feeling of safety for you. If you keep searching for “him” to fulfill you, in whatever way he is willing to, you are guaranteed to have a very tumultuous relationship in your future and most likely a breakup, because you are choosing “him” from a place of woundedness and needing “him” to complete you vs. you completing yourself, being so full of self – love and KNOWING that you do not need anyone to feel fulfilled and happy in your life. Imagine choosing a guy from a love abundant mindset. What if you had 5 guys that were chasing you and 1 of them, let’s say ghosted you. Do you think it would bother you so much, knowing you have 4 other guys that were chasing after you and treating you well? You might feel a little pinprick of rejection, but I doubt you would go chasing after him, because you have plenty of your needs being met right where you are. That’s how you want to fill yourself up, ON YOUR OWN – as if your self-love and self-care was sooooo strong and fulfilling that when someone doesn’t show up in a way that is respectful and honoring to you, you are completely clear and okay that you need to release them and go your own way. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
I’m so sorry for all the challenges you have had to face in your life. You’ve had a hard life in so many ways and much of those wounds are still affecting you today. It’s hard isn’t it?
“In general, i am not capable of being vulnerable with women. I tend to try to get a feel for their emotional and mental strength first, before i feel like i can trust them. If i feel like they are weaker than me in any way, i can’t lean on them. I have no desire to change this part of me, even if it is wrong.” I’m curious, you have been deeply hurt by men as well, yet you are more forgiving with them and much more willing to be in relationship with them. Why are you more forgiving with men compared to women? I understand the deep hurt you felt by that woman. It sounds like you still have some forgiveness work to do around her so you can free yourself from that. We ALL have experienced deep betrayals by people. It’s part of the human experience. I would hate to see you miss out on deep, close friendships because you would rather stay angry and skeptical because of this woman’s choice to not support you. I also understand your experience with that psychiatrist. It’s unfortunate. Keep looking though! In my mind, I want to be supported in my life by someone who is objective, can hold me accountable and is able to do deep healing work with me when I get triggered. I’ve had a Coach for about 5 years now and she will be part of my support for as long as she stays working. I wish everyone had someone like that. It makes life sooooo much easier! So don’t give up! You carry a lot of wounds from your life and working to clear as much of that as possible, will bring you an incredible amount of freedom!!! I know you are working a lot on your own too. The combination of all the work you do with a therapist or coach, can create hugely impactful results much faster than you just doing it all on your own. Besides, there just are some things where you need objective eyes and extra help. There really are some things that you can’t process all on your own. So maybe consider opening up to the idea of finding someone that can support you and see what happens. Maybe someone will all of a sudden cross paths with you. Just a thought
Heidi
Hi Rocio,
Oh wow! I am so sorry for what you are going through. I imagine you are deeply hurting and really confused. Let’s see if we can figure this out. I just have a few questions first.
1. Why are you guys on and off again? Do you keep breaking up over the same reasons? Who usually does the breaking up?
2. Explain a little more about this sex thing. If I understand correctly, his need for sex is stronger than yours and it sounds like you are not feeling fulfilled in other areas of your relationship, so maybe that is why you are being less sexual with him? What’s your perspective on how he feels about wanting more sex?
3. What do you feel is really missing in the relationship that would keep you guys together instead of going on this rollercoaster ride?Looking forward to your answers.
Heidi
Hi Vino,
This is really interesting. It sounds like there is a part of you really struggling to feel free. I wouldn’t suggest making at least 1 unwise decision a week. I’m not sure what that means for you or if you are actually joking. I get the concept you are talking about. But remember that those “unwise” decisions carry consequences and can really bring drama into your life. It feels like it’s a rebellious energy that you are dealing with. If you are needing to feel that part of yourself rebel, then I would suggest working with that part of yourself. Your need to rebel carries woundedness. Rebellion is not a peaceful energy. Rebellion is a destructive energy and has anger attached to it. Just something to think about.
“she said it wasn’t possible because we’re no longer young and fancy free.” This makes me sad that she said this. It’s not true. No, you are not young in age, but you are young at heart. Being an adult can be VERY fancy free!!! I feel so fancy free all the time! I have no need to rebel, I feel more free and love my life now, more than I ever have. I also don’t have a need to rebel though. Something in you is not wanting to “grow up” so to speak, which is why you are wanting to make “unwise” decisions. Whatever part of you is wanting to break rules and wanting to have adventures that could carry consequences for you – needs to be connected with. But your sister’s belief is a program running in her mind and her belief system that just simply isn’t true.
I LOVE the exercises you did! Well done! I hope you have continued that practice. It’s such a beautiful and powerful way to connect with yourself!!! I’m really proud of you! You really are unraveling a lot of stuff Vino. You are doing some great work!
Heidi
Hi Katy,
My best guess is, there is a disconnect happening here in your system. I’ve experienced that many times before. I will not feel something, yet my actions were showing me something different. For example, I have not been attracted to a guy before, yet I found myself thinking about him, reaching out and connecting and behaving as if I did have an attraction towards him. I also have disconnected from a guy, didn’t feel hurt, yet my actions showed me otherwise. My thoughts/feelings and my actions were not aligned. So from my perspective, all I have heard from you is your hurt and wanting him back – even as a friend. And now you are telling me that you don’t feel any hurt or pain. Sometimes our system will go on automatic shut down as a survival/coping mechanism. That may be why you don’t feel the pain. Truth is, you really invested in this guy. I imagine you planned your future with him. I’m sure you had many dreams of future experiences with him. You truly loved feeling cared about and connected with and having someone you got to connect with. When there is a breakup, the hardest part is the loss of those dreams. You may not miss him or feel the pain of the loss of him specifically, but maybe you would feel the pain of the loss of the dreams you created with him in it. Just something to think about. But it is a red flag that your actions and what you are saying here on the forum do not align with how you are actually feeling. It is something to explore in yourself. Maybe start journalin or maybe start talking into a recorder on a daily basis. Give your feelings and your words a place to go, ever single day. Give yourself permission to express whatever it is that you want to express. Do this every single day for at least a week and see if your feelings and words can align. Keep saying to yourself, “I give myself permission to feel. It’s safe to feel whatever it is that needs to come up.” Then see what happens. Maybe nothing will come up, maybe something will.
These are questions you can ask yourself and see what your answers are:
1. Do you still want to be friends with him?
2. If you found out he was with another girl right now, how would you feel?
3. If he reached back out and wanted to re-connect and if he apologized and wants you back, what would you do?If your initial, automatic answers are no, I’d be okay and I don’t want him back, then your words and feelings are aligned. If your answers are not those, then you are still holding on and still have some feelings in there that need to be resolved, even though you don’t connect to any pain or hurt. Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Tamara,
Welcome! Wow…I am so sorry to hear this. Your heart must be broken. It’s so awful to hear about the man you love breaking his integrity and then not even taking responsibility for it. Ouch!
Would you mind sharing a few more details? How did you find out he was cheating? How long ago was it? Does he actually know that you know? My guess is, if he is not calling to apologize, he is more in an avoidant stage where he is avoiding dealing with your hurt and not wanting to face you.
I do think a conversation does need to happen, but let’s talk about that.
Giving up on the relationship? It depends. It sounds like you were really happy, but maybe he was not. The #1 reason for people cheating is because of feeling lonely. I’m not saying that is his reason, but I think gathering more information about what happened for him is really important.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Yes, your house and your parents were goods distractions. I know you weren’t crying because of rejection, but I also have no doubt that some of the tears had that energy mixed in with all the other stuff. The loss of your parents, the feeling of powerlessness when your painting wasn’t the way you wanted, the tiredness. If you hadn’t gone through a breakup, my guess is, you wouldn’t feel as tired and you wouldn’t have cried about painting. You still probably would have cried about your parents leaving though. 🙂 Unprocessed rejection takes up a lot more room than you think. I get that it would be about the rejection specifically and not about him. Now that you have a little bit of room to breathe, I hope you get to know your rejection and work with it.
Are you nervous about seeing him again? How are you feeling about it? When is he coming over?
Heidi
