Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Rhonda,
You have created quite the story around what is happening. Do you recognize the contradictions you are having about it? First, you say it’s his work and that he is really stressed. Then you say he is avoiding you and that it hurts every time he says he has to work late. I’m pointing this out because it’s soooooooo important for you to recognize your patterns, your shut down, your own reactions to his choices. You wanting to just pull away quietly is your way of sabotaging of the relationship. Just as you were noticing that he hasn’t healed from his past, this is you not having healed from your past by just pulling away, offering friendship and ending the relationship without having ever used your voice or trying to work through it with him in an open and authentic way. It’s exactly my pattern as well! No judgment from me and I hope you know that. I’m just bringing it to your attention for you to notice and be aware of yourself. Well done for coming here to ask us first before making any decisions! That’s what makes you smart and a great partner to be in a relationship with! Well done!
My suggestion is to have a conversation about it. Be honest. Say things like “I have noticed over the past few weeks we have connected much less and work is always the reason for you. I will admit to feeling like you are avoiding me or maybe it feels like you are starting to lose interest. It also felt like you were not very excited to be able to meet up. Basically, I am feeling you pull away and I admit that I am taking it a bit personally. That’s my issue, but I do want to talk about it. What’s happening for you?”
How does saying something like this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Sahi!
This is great stuff!
3. I wonder, since he is open to the therapist thing, maybe I will continue to remind him about this. I almost wonder if I should tell him about the conversation we just had and that an expert is suggesting that he is holding himself back by not seeing a therapist and hurting not just himself but the relationships he is in because of it. No. DO NOT say anything. First, you are putting yourself in a “motherly” type of role by telling him that. It’s an energy of you trying to “fix” him. You already gave him the name of a therapist. That’s enough. If he finds out you were talking about him, all he will hear and feel is that you are not happy with him and he is not enough for you. Lay low for awhile. Things that might be helpful would be if you listened to a podcast that you found fascinating and you share it with him or books that you come across that could help. Here is a great book: I even highly suggest women to read it. So maybe you can purchase the book, start to read it and leave it out on the table so he sees it.
The goal here is for HIM to feel like it was HIS idea to grow. If you keep offering ideas, he will internalize those hints that you are saying he needs to be fixed. So dropping a few hints is great, but then let it go OR find ways to drop hints that make him think he was the one who stumbled across it. Maybe even consider YOU going back to therapy. There are things you can work on in yourself and him watching you do it, sharing with him your experiences and what you are learning, may give him the courage to take that step himself. Who knows! Does this make sense?
As far as your choice to keep working on the relationship with him, you sound very clear and that is the most powerful place to be. Your goal now is to keep working on yourself, staying present, staying in gratitude and figuring out ways to love yourself even deeper. A healthy love DOES NOT exclude you. Many women will fight to stay with the man, but in that choice, they are not loving themselves. “Loving” the man means they are rejecting their true needs and desires and that is NOT love. I’m not saying that is what you are doing. I’m saying there is potential for that to happen, so just make sure you are staying very closely connected to loving yourself. When you are making decisions, you can ask yourself “Is this choice that I am making, loving to myself and to him?” That is a good guiding question.
Heidi
It’s impossible to NOT be afraid of losing him, but there is a way to keep that fear in the back seat instead of the driver’s seat. Working WITH your fear is important. One thing I do when my fears come up, is I remind myself of who I really am and I tell myself the FULL story.
When fear shows up, the story you are telling yourself is, “If I say or do_______________I could lose him.” Using this technique that I call “finish the story” would look like, “If I say or do_________________I could lose him AND I will be okay. AND I am resilient. AND I am valuable and loveable and I will love again, because I can.” It’s allowing your fear to exist AND also reminding yourself of the truth. That is a way you can immediately begin working with your fear of losing him.
Hopefully this helps a bit. Feel free to just keep sharing here…vent, share your thoughts, share your fears, your insecurities…we are here for you through this whole process. Use us!
Looking forward to your updates!
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more details! This is really great!
one more question…But also know we come from two different economic backgrounds so he always feels a bit nervous that he is not as well established as he needs to be. Does he love what he does for work? Does he feel like he has a good purpose in life?
This ABSOLUTELY is a huge influence on a man’s ability to connect deeply. For men, being solid and happy in their career means EVERYTHING to them. Their ability to produce in this world is the #1 instinctual drive and core of their self-esteem. For women, it’s all about relationships. We are the relationship caretakers and when this area is not quite going the way we want, we tend to get all messy. So the instinctual drives are very different between men and women.
Let’s talk more about the details you have shared and we’ll continue to take you step by step in the direction you are wanting.
First, it’s important to understand that with the kind of background he has, he is carrying an incredible amount of pain and fear inside. That will NEVER change unless he decide to get some help to heal from the traumas. So let me give you a picture of what you are wanting to step into. Let’s say eventually he does end up committing. All that will happen is you will continue to face 1 more wall after another. Yes he committed, but to grow and get to the next level of his heart will take years again. There will be a point at which you hit a wall that will be impenetrable. There will be a point where he will sabotage the relationship. You will NEVER get deeply into his heart and make him feel safe to open up. That is only a journey he can take. You can offer that experience, but you cannot help him feel something that he doesn’t even feel inside himself. I want to give him signals of safety and also quietly signal that he may fear a loss of someone close to him but that I am a steady presence in his life so that he can feel safe when hes ready to make those commitments (I hope that makes sense). This statement is an illusion. You are only a steady presence in his life right now, but maybe not tomorrow or next week or next year. The reality is, love is a HUGE risk. There are no guarantees and because of this, he is maintaining some pretty serious walls around his heart. Someone like this will ALWAYS have another wall for you to have to deal with in some form or fashion. You will constantly be seeking more from him…more emotion, more connection, more growth, more communication. You will always know that he has so much more inside of him than he is willing to give. This is the kind of man you are choosing. I’m not saying you shouldn’t fight for him. I’m just saying that it’s VERY IMPORTANT that you are clear and have conscious awareness of what you are actually fighting for….a very difficult relationship with a guy who is emotionally unavailable and will never be able to offer you more than what he is giving you right now….unless he gets some help. Your journey is about loving him exactly as he is and not for who he could be. I know you see his potential and know what he is capable of, as I’m sure you’ve had many moments of closeness, depth and a powerful connection. I wish those things were enough to make a relationship last. For a relationship to last and be healthy, vibrant and nourishing though, both people need to be committed to themselves and their growth as a person first and then committed to a certain kind of experience with their partner. What he is showing you by behaving this way, is he doesn’t have the ability to forgive. He has become victim to his past. He is not living with his past in the past. He is bringing his past into the present and keeping it all very much alive with all the stories he has created to keep himself safe from getting hurt. Those stories are always going to be way more powerful than you and the love you offer him. We ALL do this in some for or fashion. It’s a survival mechanism. The thing is, he is choosing to keep those stories alive and let fear run his life and as long as he lives like that, you will always be feeling how you are now in some way. He will not all of a sudden change one day…in fact, he will continue to get worse. The longer these stories live inside of him, the thicker the walls become and the more miserable he will be. Going by who he is today and how he is behaving, this the kind of experience you are signing up for. If you feel you can love him for EXACTLY who he is today and not for who he could be one day, then go for it! Be patient, be accepting and keep consciously choosing this experience. That is one of the very best and most powerful ways to support him and help him have a new experience in his life.
I know you want more from him. What I suggest is to practice switching your mindset. It will work for awhile, but eventually you will circle back around to this spot of wanting more from him, because it is in your nature as a woman and as the caretaker of your relationship, to inspire growth. But for now, the way to shift your energy so he doesn’t feel pressure, is to focus 100% of your attention on what he IS giving you. Be in a space of gratitude for who he is in your life. When you are struggling about what he isn’t giving you, remind yourself that he is a terrified little boy, it’s nothing personal and then remember moments where he has really given you a lot and connected with you deeply. Keep forgiving him for his limitations. Keep connected to the truth that even though he is moving at a snail’s pace, he still is having a good enough experience with you to be connected and take a journey. When you shift your perspective to this and take the pressure off of him, your actions will align with this way of thinking and he will feel that.
Keep working towards meeting his family. Keep suggesting for him to meet your family and when it doesn’t work out many more times, let it just be okay. Give it a rest for a while and then try again. Let him be a scardy cat. Your full and complete acceptance of this about him and even you loving this part of him and having compassion for this part of him, is what has the most powerful potential to shift things and create growth.
I realize I have said a lot, so I’ll stop here. There are many more layers and things to say, but let’s see how this makes you feel first and then we can go to the next steps and see what works for you.
Looking forward to your response.
Heidi
Hi Sahasra,
Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your questions with us!
It sounds like you are doing a really great job using the techniques and it sounds like you guys have a really wonderful connection.
There are A LOT of things that play into someone’s speed at which they move forward into a relationship. It’s really important that you understand what his are and what yours are.
My guess is, this is a fairly new relationship. How long have you been dating? How old are both of you? Do you know much about his relationship history? What is his relationship like to his parents? What was his childhood like? Many times, people wanting to move faster or slower is really connected to their core, subconscious beliefs about love that got created in childhood. What about you? What was your childhood like? I’m also wondering what your need is to get a commitment from him right now. It sounds like you guys have an amazing connection and things are going well. What’s the rush?
Many times, if you take the pressure off of wanting to meet everyone and truly allow him to take the lead, the guy will relax and all of a sudden, it happens…but it’s so much better because it’s happening organically and not because the girl was pushing. You may not be overtly pushing him, but you would be surprised how much the guy can feel the energy of his girl and what she wants. It’s more palpable than you think.
I’d like to encourage you to first understand what his reasons are for being how he is instead of trying to figure out how to get what you want. I’d also encourage you to dig deeper into your reasons for wanting to go faster. This type of exploration into yourself and into him is what you will want to do for the rest of your life with any partner you have, if you want a successful relationship. Understanding what makes someone who they are is far more empowering than just trying to get them to do what you want so you can be happy. These are the initial steps. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
So I’m a little unclear about what you exactly want from him. From what you are saying, it sounds like you want a deeper, more open connection. It sounds like you don’t feel wanted by him, in a way that makes you feel secure in the relationship. Yes?
It is exactly what’s missing: he never talk about feelings. Does he never talk about feelings about you, or his life in general? It sounds like he holds his cards very tight to his chest. Someone who doesn’t share his feelings and his experiences about his life with his partner, is someone who doesn’t feel safe inside to be vulnerable. Do you know much about his childhood and his relationship history? It might give you some insight into why he behaves this way.
What’s important as well, is for you to get really clear about what you want in a relationship. Do you feel okay dating a guy who doesn’t share his feelings? Is this a side of him you can accept? If he is like this now, he will always be like this – unless he digs into his woundedness and works on releasing the “baggage” that is causing him to keep his feelings locked up. Not sharing feelings is NOT a simple behavior change…it requires a deeper experience and connecting with all the fear and hurt that is being carried inside. Is he the kind of guy that would do this kind of work on himself?
I really want to encourage you to stay connected to yourself. Your concern and focus is all about him and trying to do and say the “right” things so you don’t scare him away. That’s you changing yourself to accommodate him. That’s you making him and his feelings more important than yours. This design of relationship will not last and you will slowly lose more and more of yourself, the longer you live that way. You want him to love, respect and desire you JUST AS YOU ARE! You want to feel like you can be 100% yourself with him and that feels safe and cozy for you. Right now, your fear of losing him is what is driving your actions. What do YOU want? I would invite you to face your fear and really step into who you are with him. If it doesn’t work, then you will deal with the hurt and loss and you will get back up and try again with someone else. If it does work, then you know you are being chosen for exactly who you are.
Thoughts?
Heidi
oh wow! the attack on the church was from a terrorist group??? Man….that’s so intense! People are so on edge these days, having things like that happen can really tip people over the edge. I’m wondering how much the pharma industry is making right now through dosing out anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I bet those sales are through the roof right now!
I know yesterday people were sooooo on edge. Some of my clients couldn’t even talk about the election. They had stomach aches and some people were just plain angry. Right now (it’s Wednesday morning) they are still counting votes. So far, Biden is in the lead, but not by much. I’m pretty sure he will win, but you never know. Today is going to be a very interesting day as it gets closer to the end.
Heidi
Hi Luisa,
If you understand what you are doing, then you connect better to what you are actually saying. Whenever someone is struggling, one of the best ways to help them out is to remind them of their higher self. By that, I mean, you talk to the best parts of themselves and get them connected to that part. It’s empowering!!! It’s you holding a vision of him when he is struggling with that for himself. This is what I would say (because it’s my personality) “I know you are struggling right now. It’s hard when _______________________. But what I know about you is that you are very resourceful. I have no doubt that you have everything in you to deal with this situation. I’ve watched you do it many time before and you will do it many times again. You are a strong guy, you are resilient and I know that you will somehow figure out how to get through this situation.” It’s helpful to remind them of specific parts of themselves so they don’t feel like you are just using words you can say to anyone. Even use specific examples of previous times you watched him work through something and that it all turned out okay.
Another technique is validating mixed with curiosity. Many times when someone is sharing about their difficult day, they just need validation and to be listened to – nothing else. That in and of itself is a very powerful technique. So when he shares about his difficult day, you say things like “Oh wow…I really see why you have had such a hard day. It sucks when______________” So first you want to validate and then you want to get curious and ask questions. When you ask him more questions about why his day was difficult, it will make him feel like you are actually interested in what he is saying and it will help him feel much more supported. People LOVE being asked questions! SO you can say something like, “So I’m wondering, you really reacted strongly to _________________________. Tell me more about it. What specifically about __________________________is making you so angry?” If you don’t really know what questions to ask, then don’t worry about it. Just being with him and validating him and how he is feeling is enough.
Does this help give you some other ideas?
Heidi
Hi Manasavi,
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your question with us!
It’s always sooooo confusing to women when a man gets close and then completely disappears. There are always reasons though. Let’s see if we can figure this out.
More details would be helpful. It sounds like you guys had a friends with benefits type of design. Sex, but no relationship…and then you developed feelings for him, but it doesn’t sound like that was something he wanted. Did you guys ever talk about your relationship? What you wanted, what he wanted, where it was heading? How long did this “fling” last? Do you have any idea as to why he stopped meeting you?
Usually what makes a guy disappear faster than anything is a woman who is wanting more from him than what he is willing to offer. Do you feel this might the case with you guys?
How long has it been since he disappeared? What have you done to reach out to him? He has not responded at all to you contacting him? Also, what are your ages?
Heidi
Communication is so important to make sure you both are on the same page and understand each other. Do you know what it actually means to him that he wants time alone? Did you guys talk about that? What does that look like? What EXACTLY does he want from you? Does he plan on reaching out to you when he feels complete? What is he hoping this time alone will accomplish for him?
What Kanya means by “be aware”, is that it might be him playing more games (not consciously). A lot of people who are split and do the “come closer, but go away” kind of behavior, will just keep doing that as long as they are allowed to. If you keep choosing to connect in these ways and continue to ignore your needs and what you want as well, it’s not a setup or design that works for a good relationship. You say you want to get back together, but is that true if nothing changes? Taking him back means that you are also taking the relationship back…nothing has changed. Is that what you want?
Heidi
Hi Carol,
Welcome! You are asking a really great question.
There really are multiple layers to a situation like this, so it’s hard to truly get clarity without both of you sitting in the room to look at the whole situation. I’ll give you a general road map though. Maybe it will help.
About him: someone who “teases” like that is split. My guess is, he doesn’t really let anyone get close. He may date them and become intimate, but eventually, at some point, the relationship will always end – meaning he will only go so deep. Being split means he has a part of himself that really wants to love and connect deeply and then there is another part of him that is terrified of it, because that part is holding onto past hurts and traumas like his life depended on it. That part will always “protect” him from getting hurt deeply again. There is obviously something about you that makes him feel good. He likes being around you and that’s why he keeps coming back. He flirts and leads you on because he likes the attention – it gives him a “shot” of self esteem – like a drug. A person like that typically lives their life where they are making other people the source of their self-esteem. They constantly are placing themselves around other people that make them feel better about themselves (not that he is aware of this). You would understand why he is behaving this way much better, if you knew about his past. He probably has this pattern. These are my educated guesses as to why he “played” with you.
Let’s look at you now. What is causing you to hold out hopes for a guy who lead you on so many times? There is something in you that you would allow yourself to be treated this way. Here is a guideline to follow….when something happens once, it’s just once. When something happens 2x, it’s a weak pattern. When something happens 3x, it’s strong pattern. So if he pulled away once, that’s okay, but he pulled away again and again and you kept allowing him to come back into your life and connecting into your energy in a way that caused you hurt. You finally have set a boundary and told him you are not going to do this game anymore. WELL DONE!!!! What you want to look at, is what was happening in you that stopped you from setting that boundary much sooner. That is your journey and the part of how this whole situation can serve you. What has he taught you about yourself?
Thoughts??
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I’m pretty sure I’ve talked to you about this before, but being that trust is coming up again, I’ll mention it again. It can also be something you pass onto Robin and may be helpful. I don’t really encourage trusting other people in the sense that “trust” essentially means you believe someone will behave or act or make decisions in a certain way so you can feel comfortable and safe with them. Trust is about safety, bottom line. Reality is though, people will ALWAYS, 100% guaranteed, break that trust in some form or fashion and at some point. Trusting others is an illusion on some level. You can trust that Robin will never cheat on you, but the reality is, he is capable, as is anybody. You can trust that he will stay essentially the same kind of man you are falling in love with, but reality is, life can change people in an instant…he could win the lottery and be changed forever or he can all of a sudden hit you out of rage that got activated somehow. We are all capable of anything if the right mixture of emotions and life events gets stirred up and activated. My point being, is that trusting other people is NOT what is going to help you move forward in life and take risks and love openly and be more connective.
My guiding principle which has made me more solid than ever is this: “I trust myself that no matter what happens to me, no matter who hurts me, no matter how someone behaves that would cause me harm….I WILL BE OKAY!” That trust was built inside myself from years of hardship and watching myself learn and develop the skill of resilience. Resilience is not just about getting back up onto your feet – that’s the easy part of resilience – most people can do that. The hard part about being truly resilient is actually learning from whatever happened – it’s viewing each moment as a gift and figuring out how it served you and the lessons it brought for you. That is what it means to be empowered in your life vs. a victim in your life. It’s the mindset “life happens FOR me, not to me.” When you and Robin don’t trust other people, you keep your world small – that is victim type of thinking. That is allowing all those hardships and all the harm that happened, still have power in your life – so in reality, all those past events are not really in the past – those events are still very much energetically alive in the present. It also means that forgiveness, on all levels, has not happened either. Any lack of trust in others is a protective mechanism – a wall – to avoid getting hurt again, because forgiveness for everyone involved (including the self) has not helped release the hurt and anger. So that fear just ends up growing and causing someone to recoil faster than anything because their belief just gets validated. The moment you activate a certain level of hurt in Robin, he is going to pull away so fast. Hopefully, he will be able to stay and not run and work through it with you though. You both will have that challenge until the energy of the past is released completely. If a life long journey. I know I recoil very quickly and always will. However, the me “back then” with a lot more baggage, would disconnect and move on. The me today, with less baggage, can stand in the hurt, work with it, use it to help me heal FIRST and then I decide if staying or leaving would be the best decision. I don’t run anymore because I’m hurt. I am able to make decisions out of a place of clarity and what I decide is based on whatever path is going to be kind and loving towards myself – basically, the fear never goes away – that’s not the goal. The goal is to get the fear in the back seat and not let it run your life. Building that trust in yourself and building your skill of resilience is what will do that.
I’m glad he feels safe with you and vice versa. That’s such an important feeling. I’m wondering why you feel trapped? What’s the story you have put around that? My guess is, knowing that you are 1 of the very few he “trusts” you feel pressure from being in that position. Let’s talk about that more.
Heidi
Wow! How awful to not even want to be outside. I completely understand having to deal with the smoke, but it’s also bearable because I know there is an end to it. There is no end to pollution, so I can see how hard this would be for you! I sure hope you can get out of there for Thanksgiving, even just for a bit. I think it would feed your soul!!
While I really want someone to share my relationship with God, I do not want a religious mate. Religion’s been crammed down my throat till I choked This is really interesting! I didn’t know you felt this way. I’d like to understand more about it, if you don’t mind, as it seems a bit contradictory. You say you don’t want a religious mate, yet you are religious. You view God through a Christian lens and you attend church. Actually, I’m not sure how important weekly church is for you. I’m also wondering, if you don’t want a religious mate, yet you want someone to share your relationship with God (which is through a religious perspective), what exactly do you want? God is obviously a very important part of your life, so what is your standard/baseline as far as what you need from your partner and their relationship with God?
Heidi
Hey there,
He is just being a pretty normal person who has just broken up. There always is a period where you feel a “hole” where that person lived in your life. That hole is pretty uncomfortable for a while. Everyone deals with those holes differently, however it’s not uncommon to reach out and continue to want to connect.
Have you asked him straight up, “I’m wondering why you are reaching out so much. You said you wanted space and I”m giving that to you. But now you are reaching out quite a bit, so I’m just confused. I’m not sure what you are wanting from me. Can we talk about this a little bit? I really am curious and a bit confused and would love your help. I want to be on the same page.”
What do YOU want? He is reaching out and connecting quite a bit, yet you are ignoring him. Is this a game you are playing? Why are you choosing to ignore him? Why not have some authentic conversations with him? Why not develop the friendship more? Why not still connect, but keep some healthy boundaries???
heidi
Wow! I’m impressed with all the things you are doing!!! It all sounds pretty great!
So you guys are on lockdown again for a month?? I’m sure by the end of the month, you all will love and hate each other even more! lol!
Where I live in Colorado, the county locked down 1 more level for a while as well. Not many people are thrilled about it, of course. It’s going to take at least another year to figure out how to navigate all of this! But probably another 2 years before we can all be free to socialize. This will be a powerful time in history for sociologists to study!!!
Heidi
