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Hi Anna,
So I’m a little unclear about what you exactly want from him. From what you are saying, it sounds like you want a deeper, more open connection. It sounds like you don’t feel wanted by him, in a way that makes you feel secure in the relationship. Yes?
It is exactly what’s missing: he never talk about feelings. Does he never talk about feelings about you, or his life in general? It sounds like he holds his cards very tight to his chest. Someone who doesn’t share his feelings and his experiences about his life with his partner, is someone who doesn’t feel safe inside to be vulnerable. Do you know much about his childhood and his relationship history? It might give you some insight into why he behaves this way.
What’s important as well, is for you to get really clear about what you want in a relationship. Do you feel okay dating a guy who doesn’t share his feelings? Is this a side of him you can accept? If he is like this now, he will always be like this – unless he digs into his woundedness and works on releasing the “baggage” that is causing him to keep his feelings locked up. Not sharing feelings is NOT a simple behavior change…it requires a deeper experience and connecting with all the fear and hurt that is being carried inside. Is he the kind of guy that would do this kind of work on himself?
I really want to encourage you to stay connected to yourself. Your concern and focus is all about him and trying to do and say the “right” things so you don’t scare him away. That’s you changing yourself to accommodate him. That’s you making him and his feelings more important than yours. This design of relationship will not last and you will slowly lose more and more of yourself, the longer you live that way. You want him to love, respect and desire you JUST AS YOU ARE! You want to feel like you can be 100% yourself with him and that feels safe and cozy for you. Right now, your fear of losing him is what is driving your actions. What do YOU want? I would invite you to face your fear and really step into who you are with him. If it doesn’t work, then you will deal with the hurt and loss and you will get back up and try again with someone else. If it does work, then you know you are being chosen for exactly who you are.
Thoughts?
Heidi
oh wow! the attack on the church was from a terrorist group??? Man….that’s so intense! People are so on edge these days, having things like that happen can really tip people over the edge. I’m wondering how much the pharma industry is making right now through dosing out anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I bet those sales are through the roof right now!
I know yesterday people were sooooo on edge. Some of my clients couldn’t even talk about the election. They had stomach aches and some people were just plain angry. Right now (it’s Wednesday morning) they are still counting votes. So far, Biden is in the lead, but not by much. I’m pretty sure he will win, but you never know. Today is going to be a very interesting day as it gets closer to the end.
Heidi
Hi Luisa,
If you understand what you are doing, then you connect better to what you are actually saying. Whenever someone is struggling, one of the best ways to help them out is to remind them of their higher self. By that, I mean, you talk to the best parts of themselves and get them connected to that part. It’s empowering!!! It’s you holding a vision of him when he is struggling with that for himself. This is what I would say (because it’s my personality) “I know you are struggling right now. It’s hard when _______________________. But what I know about you is that you are very resourceful. I have no doubt that you have everything in you to deal with this situation. I’ve watched you do it many time before and you will do it many times again. You are a strong guy, you are resilient and I know that you will somehow figure out how to get through this situation.” It’s helpful to remind them of specific parts of themselves so they don’t feel like you are just using words you can say to anyone. Even use specific examples of previous times you watched him work through something and that it all turned out okay.
Another technique is validating mixed with curiosity. Many times when someone is sharing about their difficult day, they just need validation and to be listened to – nothing else. That in and of itself is a very powerful technique. So when he shares about his difficult day, you say things like “Oh wow…I really see why you have had such a hard day. It sucks when______________” So first you want to validate and then you want to get curious and ask questions. When you ask him more questions about why his day was difficult, it will make him feel like you are actually interested in what he is saying and it will help him feel much more supported. People LOVE being asked questions! SO you can say something like, “So I’m wondering, you really reacted strongly to _________________________. Tell me more about it. What specifically about __________________________is making you so angry?” If you don’t really know what questions to ask, then don’t worry about it. Just being with him and validating him and how he is feeling is enough.
Does this help give you some other ideas?
Heidi
Hi Manasavi,
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your question with us!
It’s always sooooo confusing to women when a man gets close and then completely disappears. There are always reasons though. Let’s see if we can figure this out.
More details would be helpful. It sounds like you guys had a friends with benefits type of design. Sex, but no relationship…and then you developed feelings for him, but it doesn’t sound like that was something he wanted. Did you guys ever talk about your relationship? What you wanted, what he wanted, where it was heading? How long did this “fling” last? Do you have any idea as to why he stopped meeting you?
Usually what makes a guy disappear faster than anything is a woman who is wanting more from him than what he is willing to offer. Do you feel this might the case with you guys?
How long has it been since he disappeared? What have you done to reach out to him? He has not responded at all to you contacting him? Also, what are your ages?
Heidi
Communication is so important to make sure you both are on the same page and understand each other. Do you know what it actually means to him that he wants time alone? Did you guys talk about that? What does that look like? What EXACTLY does he want from you? Does he plan on reaching out to you when he feels complete? What is he hoping this time alone will accomplish for him?
What Kanya means by “be aware”, is that it might be him playing more games (not consciously). A lot of people who are split and do the “come closer, but go away” kind of behavior, will just keep doing that as long as they are allowed to. If you keep choosing to connect in these ways and continue to ignore your needs and what you want as well, it’s not a setup or design that works for a good relationship. You say you want to get back together, but is that true if nothing changes? Taking him back means that you are also taking the relationship back…nothing has changed. Is that what you want?
Heidi
Hi Carol,
Welcome! You are asking a really great question.
There really are multiple layers to a situation like this, so it’s hard to truly get clarity without both of you sitting in the room to look at the whole situation. I’ll give you a general road map though. Maybe it will help.
About him: someone who “teases” like that is split. My guess is, he doesn’t really let anyone get close. He may date them and become intimate, but eventually, at some point, the relationship will always end – meaning he will only go so deep. Being split means he has a part of himself that really wants to love and connect deeply and then there is another part of him that is terrified of it, because that part is holding onto past hurts and traumas like his life depended on it. That part will always “protect” him from getting hurt deeply again. There is obviously something about you that makes him feel good. He likes being around you and that’s why he keeps coming back. He flirts and leads you on because he likes the attention – it gives him a “shot” of self esteem – like a drug. A person like that typically lives their life where they are making other people the source of their self-esteem. They constantly are placing themselves around other people that make them feel better about themselves (not that he is aware of this). You would understand why he is behaving this way much better, if you knew about his past. He probably has this pattern. These are my educated guesses as to why he “played” with you.
Let’s look at you now. What is causing you to hold out hopes for a guy who lead you on so many times? There is something in you that you would allow yourself to be treated this way. Here is a guideline to follow….when something happens once, it’s just once. When something happens 2x, it’s a weak pattern. When something happens 3x, it’s strong pattern. So if he pulled away once, that’s okay, but he pulled away again and again and you kept allowing him to come back into your life and connecting into your energy in a way that caused you hurt. You finally have set a boundary and told him you are not going to do this game anymore. WELL DONE!!!! What you want to look at, is what was happening in you that stopped you from setting that boundary much sooner. That is your journey and the part of how this whole situation can serve you. What has he taught you about yourself?
Thoughts??
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I’m pretty sure I’ve talked to you about this before, but being that trust is coming up again, I’ll mention it again. It can also be something you pass onto Robin and may be helpful. I don’t really encourage trusting other people in the sense that “trust” essentially means you believe someone will behave or act or make decisions in a certain way so you can feel comfortable and safe with them. Trust is about safety, bottom line. Reality is though, people will ALWAYS, 100% guaranteed, break that trust in some form or fashion and at some point. Trusting others is an illusion on some level. You can trust that Robin will never cheat on you, but the reality is, he is capable, as is anybody. You can trust that he will stay essentially the same kind of man you are falling in love with, but reality is, life can change people in an instant…he could win the lottery and be changed forever or he can all of a sudden hit you out of rage that got activated somehow. We are all capable of anything if the right mixture of emotions and life events gets stirred up and activated. My point being, is that trusting other people is NOT what is going to help you move forward in life and take risks and love openly and be more connective.
My guiding principle which has made me more solid than ever is this: “I trust myself that no matter what happens to me, no matter who hurts me, no matter how someone behaves that would cause me harm….I WILL BE OKAY!” That trust was built inside myself from years of hardship and watching myself learn and develop the skill of resilience. Resilience is not just about getting back up onto your feet – that’s the easy part of resilience – most people can do that. The hard part about being truly resilient is actually learning from whatever happened – it’s viewing each moment as a gift and figuring out how it served you and the lessons it brought for you. That is what it means to be empowered in your life vs. a victim in your life. It’s the mindset “life happens FOR me, not to me.” When you and Robin don’t trust other people, you keep your world small – that is victim type of thinking. That is allowing all those hardships and all the harm that happened, still have power in your life – so in reality, all those past events are not really in the past – those events are still very much energetically alive in the present. It also means that forgiveness, on all levels, has not happened either. Any lack of trust in others is a protective mechanism – a wall – to avoid getting hurt again, because forgiveness for everyone involved (including the self) has not helped release the hurt and anger. So that fear just ends up growing and causing someone to recoil faster than anything because their belief just gets validated. The moment you activate a certain level of hurt in Robin, he is going to pull away so fast. Hopefully, he will be able to stay and not run and work through it with you though. You both will have that challenge until the energy of the past is released completely. If a life long journey. I know I recoil very quickly and always will. However, the me “back then” with a lot more baggage, would disconnect and move on. The me today, with less baggage, can stand in the hurt, work with it, use it to help me heal FIRST and then I decide if staying or leaving would be the best decision. I don’t run anymore because I’m hurt. I am able to make decisions out of a place of clarity and what I decide is based on whatever path is going to be kind and loving towards myself – basically, the fear never goes away – that’s not the goal. The goal is to get the fear in the back seat and not let it run your life. Building that trust in yourself and building your skill of resilience is what will do that.
I’m glad he feels safe with you and vice versa. That’s such an important feeling. I’m wondering why you feel trapped? What’s the story you have put around that? My guess is, knowing that you are 1 of the very few he “trusts” you feel pressure from being in that position. Let’s talk about that more.
Heidi
Wow! How awful to not even want to be outside. I completely understand having to deal with the smoke, but it’s also bearable because I know there is an end to it. There is no end to pollution, so I can see how hard this would be for you! I sure hope you can get out of there for Thanksgiving, even just for a bit. I think it would feed your soul!!
While I really want someone to share my relationship with God, I do not want a religious mate. Religion’s been crammed down my throat till I choked This is really interesting! I didn’t know you felt this way. I’d like to understand more about it, if you don’t mind, as it seems a bit contradictory. You say you don’t want a religious mate, yet you are religious. You view God through a Christian lens and you attend church. Actually, I’m not sure how important weekly church is for you. I’m also wondering, if you don’t want a religious mate, yet you want someone to share your relationship with God (which is through a religious perspective), what exactly do you want? God is obviously a very important part of your life, so what is your standard/baseline as far as what you need from your partner and their relationship with God?
Heidi
Hey there,
He is just being a pretty normal person who has just broken up. There always is a period where you feel a “hole” where that person lived in your life. That hole is pretty uncomfortable for a while. Everyone deals with those holes differently, however it’s not uncommon to reach out and continue to want to connect.
Have you asked him straight up, “I’m wondering why you are reaching out so much. You said you wanted space and I”m giving that to you. But now you are reaching out quite a bit, so I’m just confused. I’m not sure what you are wanting from me. Can we talk about this a little bit? I really am curious and a bit confused and would love your help. I want to be on the same page.”
What do YOU want? He is reaching out and connecting quite a bit, yet you are ignoring him. Is this a game you are playing? Why are you choosing to ignore him? Why not have some authentic conversations with him? Why not develop the friendship more? Why not still connect, but keep some healthy boundaries???
heidi
Wow! I’m impressed with all the things you are doing!!! It all sounds pretty great!
So you guys are on lockdown again for a month?? I’m sure by the end of the month, you all will love and hate each other even more! lol!
Where I live in Colorado, the county locked down 1 more level for a while as well. Not many people are thrilled about it, of course. It’s going to take at least another year to figure out how to navigate all of this! But probably another 2 years before we can all be free to socialize. This will be a powerful time in history for sociologists to study!!!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
So I’m curious…would you be open to him having a relationship with God in his own way? Would you feel comfortable if he chose to believe in God, but didn’t really align with the Christian perspective of who God is?
I’m wondering if he would be more open to explore “God” without a religious lens to it. I know he said he would be open to attending church with you. Have you ever had a conversation about what he thinks God is? Or isn’t? Does he have any kind of perspective as to how God works in people’s lives? Or even just talking about anything that is about God – beliefs, thoughts, experiences etc. Can you have a regular conversation with him about it, just as a curious person and not a Christian woman? No teaching, no judgments, no opinions (unless he asks of course) but just pure curiosity and learning more about him?
Fires are not out yet. The snow helped out some, but not entirely. It’s warming back up again next week, which is not good. I still keep praying for all of them and all the people who have lost their houses. I’m so glad to know the hurricane missed you!!!
So if you have to stay put for the holidays, are you thinking of ways you can still enjoy this time, without going home? I know nothing beats going home though.
Heidi
Hey there!
I know how exhausted you must feel. The thing is, you are supposed to feel exhausted. It’s a sign that the relationship isn’t working. How you both choose to operate in this relationship, brings more challenge than nourishment. That’s when it’s either time to really re-evaluate whether or not you want to stay, whether or not changing your perspectives, skills and knowledge is enough or whether he has what it takes to step up and join you in making this relationship better. So you have a choice to make. He is pretty emotionally fragile or he has very strong narcissistic tendencies. Either way, YOU are choosing him and agreeing to support these patterns for some reason. So I want to bring you back to these questions…what is happening inside of you, that you would fight for and choose to love a man who doesn’t believe nor see you as enough? What is keeping you connected to a man who blames you for his own misery and lack of motivation? He is not going to change. He can apologize all he wants and I’m sure it’s very sincere in the moment, but it’s not until someone takes action, that anything truly changes. And I’m talking about deeper, healing / self awareness kind of work, not simple behavioral changes – as you have learned, those changes are only temporary.
So you have admitted to being tired. You have admitted to seeing that he is not “mature” enough to support and see and value and appreciate who you truly are. Yes, he is great and you guys have an incredible connection. That’s not enough though. If it were, we wouldn’t be at a 50% divorce rate.
So what do you want to do? Do you still want to keep fighting for him?
Heidi
Hi Luisa,
Thank you for sharing more details. How interesting!
Well done for pulling away and taking care of yourself. Unrequited love is soooooo difficult to deal and definitely is something that bruises the self-esteem. Taking care of yourself and getting back to your center and truth and connecting back to the amazingness that you are, is so very important. Men are highly attracted to women who know that about themselves and who are really good at taking care of themselves. That’s probably why he is interacting more with you. He doesn’t feel the “pressure” to have to take care of you emotionally. That’s a HUGE turn off for men, so being that you basically said “no” to him and pulled away to take care of yourself and are not available to connect again, but more centered and grounded, he is liking that. Good job!!!
I use the hero instinct ALL THE TIME with all of my friends. It’s such a beautiful way to connect someone to the greatness that is within them. It’s a powerful way to reflect back to them, the value they have in this world and in my life. So I love how you want to use it. Use it sparingly though. Meaning, only use it when you are truly inspired. Women have a tendency to overuse this technique trying to get what they want and it changes the energy of the technique…and men can feel that. They way you want to use it, is truly in its best form. You just want to make him feel good about himself and you don’t have an attachment to what ends up happening because of it. Of course you want him to end up having feelings for you, but ultimately, you are giving him experiences of feeling good about himself when he is around you. You are a good friend!!
Heidi
There have been numerous studies that show that people who believe in a higher power live much longer and happier lives. I know it’s difficult for many people to believe in something they cannot see. It’s times like these, when many things are out of control and things are being threatened that people tend to want to reach towards something bigger than themselves moreso than ever. I’m glad I believe in something greater than me. I am so much more peaceful that way!!!!
Speaking of which…any news about Robin? I’m curious how you are dealing with him not being a Christian. Does he believe in anything at all? Is yes, what does he believe? How did he come to believe in the way he does? Does he feed and nurture that belief at all?
Heidi
Hi Baily,
I know you have a “feeling” that he is the person you are supposed to end up with. I get it. Those feelings are super powerful. I want to encourage you to maybe put a different definition on those feelings. The truth is, just because you “feel” something, does not mean you should follow it. Feelings are NOT facts. We are at a 50% divorce rate BECAUSE people are letting their feelings lead them into relationships that don’t work. Feelings are important, yes. But what is more important is that BOTH people have the qualities, commitment, intelligence and desire for growth TOGETHER. That means BOTH people have what it takes to make a relationship last. Right now, who he is, he is not offering that to you. Right now, you are living FOR HIM instead of being your true, authentic self with him, for fear that you might lose him. That’s not a quality that builds a strong relationship either. You are spending your time and energy wondering if you should say something or not, because you are walking on eggshells around him. Your fear of losing him is SOOOOOO big, that you are losing yourself. Would you say that you are being your full expressive self? Would you say that you feel like you can say and be anything around him and it’s safe?
I also want to invite you to think about your age. You BOTH are so young and have a lot of learning to do about yourselves. Him wanting to make something of himself BEFORE he is ready for a relationship is important for him. You wanting to define the relationship and get a commitment from him so you guys can grow deeper together is YOUR focus. He is not willing to join you on your journey, but are you willing to join him on his? Even if he doesn’t see how his father is affecting him, can you accept that this is how he wants to live his life for right now? Can you let go of your path and the experience you want to have with him and just support him on his path? There are consequences to this. Either direction you go, you are dealing with loss. If you support him, you are letting go of your vision of the relationship and letting go of a lot of your needs. If you fight for your needs and your vision and what you want to experience, you will lose him. So really the choice is, what are you willing to lose? Yourself and your vision or him?
I like for people to experiment so they can gather more information. Experiment for maybe 2 or 3 weeks. Completely and wholly support him on his path. Let go of wanting anything from him that doesn’t naturally come out of him. Let go of your vision and what you want. Pay attention. See what happens. How do you feel about yourself? How did he respond? Just gather more info and learn about yourself and him and just see what happens.
Thoughts?
Heidi
