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Oh my goodness! You crack me up! I LOVE everything you are doing! I’ve never gotten a flocked tree before, but have been tempted many times. I’ve never considered the mess it would make! lol. It all sounds fabulous though. You sure are spreading a lot of much needed joy around. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your spirit!
I get it about Robin. You are sooooo much stronger! I’m not sure this would have been your response a while ago. You sound very grounded and centered and connected to yourself. Make sure you really celebrate yourself for that. I celebrate you! You are moving on with such grace and very connected to the truth vs. looking at everything that went “wrong.” You’ve grown sooooo much!
Your dad’s welcome sign sounds like a lot of fun! Did you have fun creating it?? I hope he truly is able to appreciate it!
As far as the guys giving you the silent treatment, if you are willing to share some of the exchanges or some of the things you wrote, we’d be happy to offer some ideas. Otherwise, in my mind, it doesn’t really matter. I haven’t come across a person yet who hasn’t been ghosted or received the silent treatment. It happens everywhere, all of the time. It’s part of the online dating culture and it’s part of the average person’s way of dealing with things.
Heidi
Hi Rose,
I’m glad you are realizing some brand new things! That’s great!
Remember that men love to feel like a hero. Most likely, he is asking that specific question because he is wanting to feel like he “rescued” you or “saved” you somehow by giving you the best life you have ever had. He is looking for a way to feel better about himself. One of the best ways to respond to questions like that, is to give detail, so they know what EXACTLY makes you feel that way.
You can just bring it up at any time and say “You know how you have asked me the question if it’s the best life I’ve known? I was thinking about it the other day. One of things that makes me feel that way is when you………Also, when you do………it makes me feel like a princess or it makes me feel like I”m safe or it makes me feel like I can do anything etc.”
You want to give concrete examples. Does this make sense??
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
I’m glad the links Kanya posted were helpful for you. Maintaining a good relationship is quite tricky isn’t it? It’s a very creative process and as long as you stay curious, open and willing to learn and implement all kinds of things, to see what works and doesn’t work, you are being an incredible partner. Remember though, do not forget about yourself in the process. It’s VERY easy for women to focus completely on making sure the man is getting what he wants and needs and to forget about what inspires them and their own needs and wants. Make sure that you value, care for and honor yourself just as much, if not more than him. The happier and more connected to yourself you are, the less pressure he feels, the more he will be happy in a relationship with you and the chance for longevity increases.
You are doing a great job!!!
Heidi
Hi Tonia,
I’m going to invite you to think about something first and then I’ll answer your question.
Why do you want him back? Do you want him back because having him back means that you won’t have to hurt anymore? That’s the #1 reason why couples get back together. They don’t actually get back together for healthy, clear reasons…they are just wanting to stop hurting. Although, most people would argue that. People will say, “I miss him and I love him. I miss sharing my day with him, I miss laughing with him, I miss my friend, I miss…..We did have a good relationship and I think it could really work out.” Yes, all of that is true but it’s only half the story. The other half of the story are the unhealthy patterns that caused the breakup in the first place. The heartache, the rejection, not feeling listened to etc.
The reason I am wanting you to dive deeper into what you want, is so that you are truly connected to the REAL reasons for you wanting him back. You are conscious that “I do get that I am probably feeding into “bad” behavior” so the next step would be diving deeper into why you are wanting to choose a guy who keeps breaking intimacy and sabotaging. Yes, he has a lot of wonderful qualities and the connection with him feels amazing AND this one quality of sabotaging ruins all of it. It’s a powerful enough pattern in him that it prevents you from truly getting to experience the rest of the good stuff. So what is happening inside of you that you would want to keep choosing an experience like this?
Okay…now let’s talk about your question. You want him back how you were in the beginning….that’s NOT going to happen. It’s important that as you move forward, you deal with WHAT IS and not what used to be. The beginning is gone and done, so let’s figure out how to make WHAT IS, better for you. Let’s talk about the boundaries you want to set. What kind of boundaries are you wanting to set with him? Tell me about how would like to see the relationship work? What do you need from him EXACTLY?
Heidi
I’m glad you feel good about giving him space at the moment. I think that he will feel the most supported by you that way. Make sure that in the meantime, you really fill yourself up with all kinds of pleasurable activities. Do you have any hobbies? Can you maybe connect with friends more? How about getting a few bouquets of flowers and placing them around your space. You can take more baths, read some of your favorite books, watch some good movies that fill you up. Now is the time to really dowse yourself with good stuff so that you can better handle the absence of him in your life for right now.
As far as your sex life, if his medication affects his libido, it can absolutely also affect how he feels about you. I think it would a valid factor to consider. I don’t know if he has thought about that. What I’m wondering is what exactly is missing for him. I mean, he has this idea about what he should feel with you, so what EXACT thing is missing from that equation? Do you know?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
You are doing some really great work!!! Well done! Any man who gets to be with you will be soooo lucky!
You ask a great question! Yes, it does take practice, but that’s not the whole picture.
First and foremost, it’s about doing it with yourself. “You cannot give what you don’t have.” If you don’t have appreciation and love for yourself, you won’t TRULY be able to offer it to another. I mean, technically you can, but the energy is different. If you are empty of love and appreciation, whatever you offer to others will be weak energetically and most times will not have a clear intention behind it. My point being, the more you fill yourself up, the more you will be able to give NATURALLY. You will know and value and sense when the hero instinct is needed, because you actually have personal experience with it.
I am able to sense and feel the micro moments of every situation because of how deeply I know and connect to myself. Essentially, we are all the same. We all hurt when we get rejected, we all have reactions to abandonment, betrayal etc. So when you know yourself and your own reactions and where all of it comes from, you will also know another. Yes, they have different details to their story, but you will be able to easily sense “Oh this guy is having trouble right now and has trouble allowing himself to be loved (even though he hasn’t said a darn thing about it) and you will then know how to best support him in indirect or direct ways – and you will know this because you have gone through it yourself and you figured out how to love, accept and support yourself through it.
Basically, I’m saying that the most important component to knowing, understanding and supporting another person is doing it for yourself first and foremost. And then of course, practicing it with others. You can practice all you want, but if you don’t know yourself and you don’t have actually experience with what you are practicing, it will not have much meaning behind it. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
He sounds quite confused and is definitely sending you some mixed messages. It’s obvious you guys are strongly connected. But if it’s not quite feeling like he wants it to feel, something needs to shift. It absolutely could be fear. When the fear is big enough, our system will sabotage connection in some way or another. I know I have lost feelings before in the past and I had to REALLY explore the source. It turned out it was my fear that was the source of me losing interest instead of me truly losing interest. It’s quite difficult to figure it out unless you have some expert help though. My point being is that he is having quite the battle inside of himself. He deeply cares about you AND something is stopping him from moving forward. Good job on giving him some space so he can figure it out the way he needs to!
I’m curious about your sex life. Would you mind sharing more about this? Do you initiate and do things that make him feel wanted? When you are having sex, do you feel he is passionate, connected and enjoying himself? Does he initiate? Do you feel you guys have good romance?
Heidi
Hey there…I’m glad to hear you are feeling a bit more safe with where you live. What are your next steps?
Have you ever looked up any meetup groups? That might be an option to open up your social world with like-minded people. I know it’s virtual, but it can still be fun and help you get some of your needs met.
What kinds of projects are you working on?
Heidi
Hi!!!!
Oh thank you for your love and appreciation! You have been so amazing to get to know and work with. It’s truly been an honor to get to be part of all your adventures and mis-adventures on your romantic journey. We love that you get to be part of our lives and we get to be part of yours!!!
That desk sounds amazing! I’ve heard of the standing desks and treadmill desks, but this is the first I’ve heard of a cycle desk. I’m going to look that up! It sounds fantastic! I love how this industry has grown. Sitting all day is so unhealthy for our bodies, so these exercise type desks are such a great compromise!
Are you going to put up Christmas decorations soon??
Heidi
What a great article! Thank you for sharing!!!
That potential job in Alberta sounds like a good thing!!! I’m excited to hear how it all goes!
You sound pretty okay about Robin not responding anymore. I just wanted to check in to see if you notice anything about how you are feeling about being rejected by him.
What kinds of shopping are you going to do???
Heidi
Hi Belle,
Well let’s start with helping you get more clarity with what you want to say.
First, you want to find out what is missing for him in the relationship that he felt he needed to break up. Then you need to also be VERY CLEAR with him about anything you need from him and talk about that. When both people put there needs out on the table, it gives you guys the opportunity to figure out how to get onto the same page…whether that means still moving in different directions or deciding to give it another go.
Is there anything you want from him in the relationship that will help you feel comfortable moving forward? Is there anything you feel you want to say to him about how you are feeling?
If not, then all you need to discuss are his needs and you can open up the conversation with the question I gave above.
Is this helpful?
Heidi
I think people don’t want to get into relationship right now is because the stress levels are so much higher. People are reaching their limits, going stir crazy, dealing with the political scene etc. Starting a relationship means someone has something to give…they have enough energy to invest and nourish the relationship – of which very few people have any energy left over. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Belle,
I’m curious about something. You said: “giving up, even in a relationship, I feel is an easy route out.” Why do you feel this way? A healthy love is loving someone AND yourself. If choosing to be with him means that you are rejecting your needs, your feelings, your desires – would you say that it’s such a bad thing to “give up?” I would call it loving yourself and loving him enough to just let him function in his life the way he wants without you needing him to be different. From the way you described the relationship, it sounds like you would be fighting for a guy who doesn’t fight for himself and who will always be limited in his ability to love and connect with you. Like you said, there were good qualities as well however, I like to encourage people to choose who to let into their lives, according to the worst parts of someone – not the best parts. Can you accept him and get your needs met, if he never changed? Imagine 5 years down the road and he still hasn’t dealt with his traumas, he still doesn’t really talk through things with you, he still isn’t honest and authentic and you still feel like he doesn’t really know you. Are those qualities you are willing to accept in a relationship?
“but maybe I just need to learn the skill of how to make the man more comfortable to share that inner side of him.” This is an illusion. Yes, you are part of creating a safe space for someone to share their deeper feelings, but ultimately 100% of the responsibility lies on him. For a person to share their inner world, they have to feel safe within themselves and that is not something he has. He will take FOREVER to open up, regardless of you creating a safe place for him.
As far as your conversation, what EXACTLY are you wanting to have happen? What do you feel is important for you to share? I also wouldn’t use the language of “grow with me.” It’s not really the kind of talk a guy responds to best AND he is not the kind of guy who really grows. You could instead say “I’m interested in just seeing where this goes. What do you need to have happen in order for you to feel this way as well?”
Is there anything you are wanting to say to him specifically?
Heidi
Hi Tonia,
You are asking some great questions and I can see why there is some confusion. He is sending you a lot of mixed signals. It’s quite the common game of “push/pull.” Come towards me and then I’m going to push you away. It’s a cycle and it actually creates a ton of confusion AND desire. It takes you into scarcity so that when he finally connects again, it feels soooooooo good and then he pulls away again. Round and round you go. Someone who perpetuates this cycle is NOT interested nor capable of a serious, committed relationship. He has shown you 3x now that he cannot sustain commitment and relationship. The moment he feels “distracted” from his goals, he disconnects from you. There are plenty of guys who are able to be focused and handle their work goals AND be in love. He is just giving you an excuse and while it may feel very real for him, he is doing nothing to try and figure it out and find the balance so he can have both. A deep, committed relationship is not what he is truly interested in right now.
I want to encourage you to think about something. Would you consider it a loving and honoring thing towards yourself to keep chasing after a guy who is not able to offer you what you want in a relationship?? You will be soooooo much more fulfilled with a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to be with you. Don’t you want a guy who plans you into his life? Don’t you want a guy who has a green light to move forward with you because he knows and sees your value in his life??
This current guy is NOT that person. Who knows what his reasons are and frankly, they don’t really matter. What matters is that he has an unhealthy pattern and he is showing you he cannot stay committed right now. He gets to be that way, so if you want to stay connected somehow and keep trying to gain his interest, you need to understand you are choosing his game. The danger here is you believing that maybe he will change. You don’t EVER want to step into any type of relationship hoping for that person to change. You are setting yourself up for BIG disappointment. So love yourself enough to let this guy be who he is and know that it’s not a healthy pattern for you to participate in.
I know this may not be what you wanted to hear. If you would like to still talk about what to do to gain his attention again, let us know and we can offer some ideas in that direction as well.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Marilyn,
I LOVE that you had a good cry. Considering your past, there is a lot to release and a lot of hurt. You loving yourself and allowing the space for yourself to release the tears is sooooooo important. Well done!!!
As far as meditation goes, just keep experimenting. You will find something that works and then one day, you just don’t resonate with it anymore. So you find something new. I prefer to listen to someone talking. I also have 3 specific songs that somehow I get pulled into as well. Just you taking 10 minutes a day is enough. How you spend those 10 minutes will change many times and that’s okay. You are committing to loving and caring for yourself and that is all that matters!
I understand your question now. What Kanya was saying is about first connecting to how you want to feel, then you decide on actions that can support that. For example, if I want to feel love I then start to think of ways I can activate that feeling in my life. Love is about connection, right? For me, animals can make me feel love instantly…and nature. So I go for hikes and I have doggie playdates every week. I also have a gorgeous bouquet of flowers that activates that feeling of love of beauty. If I want to feel creative, I might cook a new recipe, I have a coloring book I love, just the other night, I decorated some sugar cookies. It’s just about getting really creative and purposeful with how you plan your day and you care for your spirit. ALL your needs are important and deserve to be honored! Does this make sense?
Heidi
