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Hi Kathy!
Welcome!
The specific advice she asked for is not really an important detail. It’s more about activating his hero instinct. Every situation is so different, so you want to tailor the concept to your specific situation.
What is going on in your relationship? What are you wanting help with?
Heidi
Hi Marilyn,
I love “Calm” and “Headspace” as well! They really are some great apps for meditation. The power of meditation, even for 10 minutes, is unparalleled. Make sure work that into your morning routine – maybe right when you wake up? Or right when you go to bed? The chemicals in our brain at those times are OPTIMAL for meditation.
A workout question you could ask could be, “I haven’t worked out in about 8 months. I know I should build up slowly, but I’m not quite sure if I should just do little bits every day, or do longer workouts a few times a week. Do you have any thoughts on this?”
I’m sorry if I missed this somewhere, but you asked: How would you suggest to how to determine what actions would support getting to my goal? What specific goal are you referring to?
Heidi
How are you feeling about being friends and texting daily with him? I know you were feeling sad. Is that still the dominant feeling?
The subconscious has many, many layers to it. One of the very first and most obvious ways to know what lives there, is to look at your life. Where you have discrepancies between what you want consciously and what is actually happening, that lets you know your subconscious is NOT in alignment. For example, you might want to really lose weight, but you keep choosing to eat unhealthy foods. Consciously you want to lose weight, but subconsciously there is a belief, a story, a program, specific feelings about losing weight or about unhealthy food that is MUCH STRONGER and causing you to eat unhealthy. Another example…if someone wants to have a nourishing, vibrant, safe love yet there is a pattern they have of falling for guys who end up cheating on me, that is my subconscious actually picking the guys. If someone truly wants to be wealthy, yet they spend my money on frivolous things, their conscious and subconscious are not aligned. Is this making sense? Triggers are also a GREAT message from the subconscious. Whenever you have stronger reactions to something, PAY ATTENTION. For example, I worked with someone who hated roses. He had no idea why, he just knew that he “hated” roses. After working with him for a while, we eventually got to the place where he remembered his mom used to always have roses around the house. She abused him. So he connected the smell and the site of roses with her, the parent that abused him (although he didn’t remember being abused at the time). So our reactions to life happening around us, are messages from the subconscious.
I am always noticing patterns in my own life that are NOT in alignment with what I want. I watch where I contract in my life, where I get triggered and then I deep dive into those stories, memories, programs that are triggering me. The best part is, the more you deep dive and understand the what and why of your subconscious, the easier it is to instantly recognize patterns in your date. Because I have been living like this for many, many years, it has helped me to avoid chaos, drama etc. in the dating world – in a REALLY big way. I have a very healthy dating history where I’ve been treated with respect 99% of the time. It’s because of 2 things: who I say yes to beyond dates 1-3, has been vetted. I can instantly sense, see and feel the main patterns running in their subconscious, just by the tone of voice, the words they use and the stories they tell me. And second, because I am highly aware of my own dating patterns, I’ve worked heavily on healing my beliefs about love and men and this has helped me have VERY STRONG standards, across the board, as to who I choose to spend time with. I have shifted A LOT over these past 30 years. Who I date today is VERY different even compared to 5 years ago.
Here the thing about the subconscious. First, you need knowledge. That’s where books, workshops, videos etc. from other experts can help you out. You won’t change anything unless you know what you are changing to and it makes sense for your life. So equipping yourself with knowledge in the area you are seeking to change is the first step. Some aspects of your patterns may shift, but some may still have a strong hold over you. For example, I used to only date bad boys. I read EVERYTHING under the sun about that pattern and I had the knowledge as to why I was choosing that, but knowing it, didn’t actually shift my behavior. When you get to that spot, then it’s time to deep dive into what stories, programs, limiting beliefs are running your choices. That’s where working with a therapist, healer or expert comes in. Deep diving into the subconscious and working on healing what lives there, requires help. That’s why I always have a coach handy. I can work with a lot of stuff on my own, but sometimes, I just need help because the issue is bigger and more deeply rooted. You need a “guide” to help you identify, work with and shift what lives there, especially if you have never done that kind of healing work before. It’s hard, it’s scary, it’s uncomfortable for sure, BUT the kind of relief you end up feeling when you let go of the deep rooted baggage…there just are no words for it.
You might want to look up Dr. Joe Dispenza. He has a lot of material out about the brain and re-programming our beliefs that are running our lives. I love Gregg Braden as well. Debbie Ford: Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Michaela Bohm: Wild Woman’s Way, Esther Perel: Where Should we Begin? The Arc of Love….these are all AMAZING women who offer programs, advice and guidance about the deeper side of our selves. There are a MILLION more authors out there in this category. It’s basically the self help genre. See what direction you get pulled in. See what aspects of yourself you are wanting to come more into relationship with and start to educate yourself. Maybe there are coaching programs you want to join. I LOVE Derek Rydall’s coaching programs. He is an incredibly powerful coach. He also has some great books! If you are ready for deeper work and clearing out the baggage, then find a specialist and commit to working with them for a while.
I wrote a lot, so hopefully, some of this helps and gives you some sort of direction.
Oh! and I’m sooooo sorry to hear about your Christmas plans being interrupted by the border closing again. Everything is shutting down as the numbers go up. It’s such a bummer! I sure hope you get that contract so you can go back home! I know how happy that would make you.
Heidi
Correct, reach out to him in 3 to 4 weeks asking for help or an opinion about something. Let’s see if we can find something you can ask him about. Does he have any hobbies or special knowledge about anything? You don’t want to ask advice about buying a dress. He won’t feel like he is being useful with something like that. He will just see that as a manipulative ploy. You want to ask him about something that actually matters and that you truly need help with. So you want to think about something that he knows a lot about or you if you need something fixed at your house (only if he is handy) or moving something heavy. Let us know what you come up with and we can help you figure it out.
If he doesn’t contact you in those 3-4 weeks, then you will reach out and re-connect and see if he ends up coming back to you. If he isn’t responsive, then I would suggest to let this one go. Attraction and wanting to be around you, needs to be an effortless thing Marilyn. There are PLENTY of things to work on in a relationship and feeling attractive and wanted by your guy DOES NOT need to be added to the list.
It sounds like you feel good about this plan. Let us know what kinds of things you come up with that could activate his hero instinct.
Heidi
You are right Rhonda! I’m really glad you are recognizing and acknowledging your choice to exit and the amount of growth you have had over the years. So let me applaud you as well. I get that it was a really big deal for you!! You did something really hard.
It’s not too late actually. It doesn’t sound like there really is closure for you guys. Since he hasn’t really acknowledged what you said or answered you definitively, you can do that for yourself now and create an ending. You can simply say “I don’t really know what your response is to what I wrote, so I’m just going to own this for myself. I feel complete with our romantic journey. I truly do value you in my life and would like to continue a friendship. I will need a little bit of time to sort through how I’m feeling, but would like to come back together at some point and become friends again. Let me know your thoughts.” How does this make you feel?
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that everyone calls you sunshine! I think it’s pretty self-explanatory what it means and how people experience you. It’s great!!!
Yes, the body carries a vibration so to speak and that vibration is sourced by what lives in your subconscious. Our reality is a reflection of what that vibration carries in it…both positive and negative. That energy acts like a beacon and will call towards you experiences that will reflect the energy (or vibration) you carry. There are a MILLION ways to shift what is in the subconscious. If you want some ideas, let me know!
Heidi
Hi Marilynn,
Basically, the more you are available to him and the one who is initiating, the less he will be interested. One question you can ask yourself is this…”How do I want to be treated and valued?” If you want him to show you more respect, you have to treat yourself in that way when dealing with him. You can use that as your guide as to how you choose to connect…or not connect with him. Do not “hope” that he will treat you with respect, require it. Make it standard and accept nothing less than being treated like gold…as you should be!
The messages you sent were great by the way! Light, funny, engaging. Well done! Now it’s time to back off, which you did. Stay away for a while and keep dating, keep living your life and don’t expect much from him. If he reaches out, then great! If not, then you are getting a very clear signal from him that he is not interested in offering you what you want. And that’s okay! It’s nothing personal. Are you willing to stay away for a few weeks?
Heidi
Hi Colleen,
Were you surprised that he doesn’t feel any romance towards you? You said you saw it coming. How were the kisses? Did he ever try to take things further? Could you physically tell that he was getting turned on at all when kissing you?
He might have some big blocks to his own sexuality. Maybe he is gay, maybe he is impotent, maybe he has some strong religious beliefs and doesn’t allow himself to feel sexual or romantic towards women. Who knows…but with the little you have said, I’m wondering if there is some very strong sexual dysfunction going on for him.
Do you know much about his past relationships?
Heidi
Hi Leila,
Thank you for sharing your questions and challenge with us. You are definitely dealing with something very difficult and there are a lot of layers to a situation like this.
First, what are your ages? Second, do you know much about his relationship history and how his past relationships worked?
I know you really like this guy and want to hold onto him. I want to suggest that you slow down quite a bit. You barely know him. There is still so much to learn about him, which some of those things could be deal breakers….or maybe not…you just don’t know any of that important stuff yet because that kind of stuff takes time before it’s revealed.
You said: I just wanna be happy, start an adventurous journey with him w/o holding back. I wanna be light and fun again. But obviously he doesn’t know that. The thing is, you are just being you. So what if things got a little heavier with whatever you went through. You cannot change that, nor can you control it. I know you want to be light and fun again, but the heavy stuff is going to come back in. It’s just the cycle of relationship. What’s more important is that someone is willing to go through that WITH you and it sounds like this guy is not ready. From the sounds of it, it’s not just a break…he is going to date again and go live his life and see how he feels in December. I understand your fear about him forgetting you. Truth is, if he were to forget you, would he be worth fighting for anyways? It just means he wasn’t that invested in the first place. You want a guy who has nothing stopping him from wanting to be with you – and it’s natural for him…his attentions are nothing you have to earn or do to be….his attention towards you is because he likes how he feels around you and he wants to keep feeling that way. That is not how this guy feels and it’s not your fault. It sounds like he has some stuff going on and he just doesn’t want to commit right now.
The hero intinct thing worked, but you ended up using it too much and caused him to step back. He IS NOT interested in connecting with you right now…maybe occasionally, but not in the way you are wanting. So it’s important to give him that space and use the hero instinct sparingly…otherwise he will know what you are actually doing. So yes, I would suggest to leave him be for right now. He will respect you so much more when he knows you are okay without him and not trying to pull him back him. He needs to know you are still going to live your life and do fun things. That will be so much more appealing to him!
I would not count on him being ready in December. I think it’s important for you to play the long game here. It might take awhile, but he is worth fighting for, then it means having a lot of patience, even when he is dating other women.
How do you feel about taking this approach?
Heidi
Hi Marilyn,
Welcome to the forum! We are glad you are here.
I can see why you are really confused! He definitely sent a lot of mixed messages.
I’m a little confused. Have you ever met him in person? I imagine you probably met him online and started connecting that way. How long were you guys connecting before he said he wanted to call it quits?
I’m wondering why you are wanting to fight for a guy who is not clear about what he wants. Don’t you want a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know you? Don’t you want a guy who KNOWS he wants to be with you?
You are wanting to step back into a situation where the guy was really only responsive to the sexual part of you. He even gave his friend your number. That, in and of itself, is a HUGE red flag. This guy is NOT emotionally available. He most likely said what you wanted to hear, so he could have sex with you. It’s a pretty normal thing that guys do and it works all the time. It’s not that hard to figure out what women want to hear and it works most of the time.
At least he admitted to not being ready for something more serious. You are somehow making it your fault as if you did or did not do something in the “right” way. The truth is, it doesn’t really matter. There is no right or wrong here. If he was a guy who was actually interested in something deeper with you, nothing would have stopped him from moving forward. This guy, DOES NOT want what you want…period. No matter how you behaved, it wouldn’t have changed the situation. Let’s even take this a little further. Let’s say you did act differently and did get more from him, he still would have been playing games with you and he still would have ended up breaking it off.
Are you sure this is the kind of guy you want to fight for and invite back into your life? If yes, that’s totally okay. Just have complete awareness about who you are inviting into your life. You will stay much more empowered that way! I’ve done that many times where I, very knowingly, stepped into a situation where I knew there were going to be a lot of games, the guy was emotionally unavailable and that I was going to get hurt. It happened every time. I had some things to learn though and I knew it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I think what Kanya was referring to, is that exercise can help clear the mind and body so you can see relationship stuff with more clarity. Does that make more sense?
Sitting all day is so against what our bodies are designed to be. Our bodies are meant for movement. When I have to sit at my computer all day, I will set an alarm and every 50 minutes, I will get up and do some type of movement. I usually have my rebounder close by and I bounce for about 10 minutes to some good songs, I will do lunges/pushups/jumping jacks etc. to just move my body. It’s makes all the difference in the world with my productivity!
Heidi
Hi JC,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your struggles with us. Let’s see if we can help bring some clarity into your situation.
I’m curious…what makes you feel like you can’t walk away? You don’t feel strong enough?
How long have you been dating? What are your ages? Do you know much about his relationship history?
Just something to think about. It’s NOT true, healthy love when you love someone at the expense of yourself. A healthy love is when loving someone is ALSO loving to yourself. You cannot exclude yourself from the equation. If you do, then the love you feel is full of all kinds of woundedness, hurt, lies and low self-esteem. You have chosen to love a guy who doesn’t know what he wants…or he does know what he wants and you are giving it to him. You have taught him that he can treat you however he wants. You have taught him that your identity, value and worth are wrapped up into him. You have taught him that you will always come back, no matter what he has done.
People treat us exactly the way we teach them to treat us. The first place to begin here, is for you to start to connect to and know your own value. When you truly value, care and respect yourself, then the people around you will start to align with that. Those that don’t, will fall away.
He also deserves to be accepted for WHO HE IS. You love him, yet you are wanting to change him? Do you really feel like that is love? If you stay with him, it’s because you accept him for EXACTLY who he is and not for who he could be. Staying with him means that he is just going to keep taking you on this rollercoaster ride. If you are not in enough pain to leave and get off the ride, then you will stay until you feel like you can’t take it anymore. If you break up, you need to equip yourself with support and a plan about how to stay away and not allow yourself to be talked back into taking another ride with him.
Thoughts?
heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I’m sad this is happening and that this is how you feel with him. I understand your decision and it makes sense and it sounds like you are very clear. It’s still sad.
I want to encourage you to take ownership for how you feel though. Instead of you directly ending it, you are now putting the decision in his hands and that’s not fair. You have not been honest with him. He probably has no idea how you feel and that you are at your end. Instead, you are phrasing it as “I wonder if it would be best FOR YOU….” instead of taking ownership of what is best for you. I’m wondering if you set it up this way to see if he would fight for you. What if he comes back and says he doesn’t want space and he never asked for it? Then what?
If you truly want closure and you truly are done, it would have been best to do it in person and not through email. It would have honored him and the relationship you guys have built. So why not just message him and ask him for a conversation? Let him know that you feel complete with the experience with him and you’d rather move forward just as friends. Take charge of your needs and don’t put the power in his hands and sit and wait around for a response. Make sense?
Heidi
Oh wow Vino! You are having some amazing breakthroughs! Thank you for sharing everything!
I’m sooooo glad Marci is able to help you connect deeper with yourself and your life and where some of the core issues are coming from. It’s fascinating isn’t it?? You are doing such great work and seeing some HUGE differences in your life…even with your reactions to JB. It’s quite beautiful, as I know you have worked so hard to get here.
I’m so sorry about your son. It must be scary for you. Are you going to Ethiopia with them or just sending them alone? Do you feel it will help him? What are your thoughts on the next steps in helping him?
Heidi
Hi Luisa!
I love that you got those perfumes! Now go out and test them! See what the general consensus is from the guys around you. I do know many men who cannot stand perfumes of any variety. Scents can be triggering in both good and bad ways, so just make sure you always ask. It’s hard for someone to be blunt and say “I can’t stand your smell” so if I am going to wear any kind of scent around someone, I always ask them if they like the scent or not, just to be considerate.
Heidi
