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Hi Marilynn,
Basically, the more you are available to him and the one who is initiating, the less he will be interested. One question you can ask yourself is this…”How do I want to be treated and valued?” If you want him to show you more respect, you have to treat yourself in that way when dealing with him. You can use that as your guide as to how you choose to connect…or not connect with him. Do not “hope” that he will treat you with respect, require it. Make it standard and accept nothing less than being treated like gold…as you should be!
The messages you sent were great by the way! Light, funny, engaging. Well done! Now it’s time to back off, which you did. Stay away for a while and keep dating, keep living your life and don’t expect much from him. If he reaches out, then great! If not, then you are getting a very clear signal from him that he is not interested in offering you what you want. And that’s okay! It’s nothing personal. Are you willing to stay away for a few weeks?
Heidi
Hi Colleen,
Were you surprised that he doesn’t feel any romance towards you? You said you saw it coming. How were the kisses? Did he ever try to take things further? Could you physically tell that he was getting turned on at all when kissing you?
He might have some big blocks to his own sexuality. Maybe he is gay, maybe he is impotent, maybe he has some strong religious beliefs and doesn’t allow himself to feel sexual or romantic towards women. Who knows…but with the little you have said, I’m wondering if there is some very strong sexual dysfunction going on for him.
Do you know much about his past relationships?
Heidi
Hi Leila,
Thank you for sharing your questions and challenge with us. You are definitely dealing with something very difficult and there are a lot of layers to a situation like this.
First, what are your ages? Second, do you know much about his relationship history and how his past relationships worked?
I know you really like this guy and want to hold onto him. I want to suggest that you slow down quite a bit. You barely know him. There is still so much to learn about him, which some of those things could be deal breakers….or maybe not…you just don’t know any of that important stuff yet because that kind of stuff takes time before it’s revealed.
You said: I just wanna be happy, start an adventurous journey with him w/o holding back. I wanna be light and fun again. But obviously he doesn’t know that. The thing is, you are just being you. So what if things got a little heavier with whatever you went through. You cannot change that, nor can you control it. I know you want to be light and fun again, but the heavy stuff is going to come back in. It’s just the cycle of relationship. What’s more important is that someone is willing to go through that WITH you and it sounds like this guy is not ready. From the sounds of it, it’s not just a break…he is going to date again and go live his life and see how he feels in December. I understand your fear about him forgetting you. Truth is, if he were to forget you, would he be worth fighting for anyways? It just means he wasn’t that invested in the first place. You want a guy who has nothing stopping him from wanting to be with you – and it’s natural for him…his attentions are nothing you have to earn or do to be….his attention towards you is because he likes how he feels around you and he wants to keep feeling that way. That is not how this guy feels and it’s not your fault. It sounds like he has some stuff going on and he just doesn’t want to commit right now.
The hero intinct thing worked, but you ended up using it too much and caused him to step back. He IS NOT interested in connecting with you right now…maybe occasionally, but not in the way you are wanting. So it’s important to give him that space and use the hero instinct sparingly…otherwise he will know what you are actually doing. So yes, I would suggest to leave him be for right now. He will respect you so much more when he knows you are okay without him and not trying to pull him back him. He needs to know you are still going to live your life and do fun things. That will be so much more appealing to him!
I would not count on him being ready in December. I think it’s important for you to play the long game here. It might take awhile, but he is worth fighting for, then it means having a lot of patience, even when he is dating other women.
How do you feel about taking this approach?
Heidi
Hi Marilyn,
Welcome to the forum! We are glad you are here.
I can see why you are really confused! He definitely sent a lot of mixed messages.
I’m a little confused. Have you ever met him in person? I imagine you probably met him online and started connecting that way. How long were you guys connecting before he said he wanted to call it quits?
I’m wondering why you are wanting to fight for a guy who is not clear about what he wants. Don’t you want a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know you? Don’t you want a guy who KNOWS he wants to be with you?
You are wanting to step back into a situation where the guy was really only responsive to the sexual part of you. He even gave his friend your number. That, in and of itself, is a HUGE red flag. This guy is NOT emotionally available. He most likely said what you wanted to hear, so he could have sex with you. It’s a pretty normal thing that guys do and it works all the time. It’s not that hard to figure out what women want to hear and it works most of the time.
At least he admitted to not being ready for something more serious. You are somehow making it your fault as if you did or did not do something in the “right” way. The truth is, it doesn’t really matter. There is no right or wrong here. If he was a guy who was actually interested in something deeper with you, nothing would have stopped him from moving forward. This guy, DOES NOT want what you want…period. No matter how you behaved, it wouldn’t have changed the situation. Let’s even take this a little further. Let’s say you did act differently and did get more from him, he still would have been playing games with you and he still would have ended up breaking it off.
Are you sure this is the kind of guy you want to fight for and invite back into your life? If yes, that’s totally okay. Just have complete awareness about who you are inviting into your life. You will stay much more empowered that way! I’ve done that many times where I, very knowingly, stepped into a situation where I knew there were going to be a lot of games, the guy was emotionally unavailable and that I was going to get hurt. It happened every time. I had some things to learn though and I knew it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I think what Kanya was referring to, is that exercise can help clear the mind and body so you can see relationship stuff with more clarity. Does that make more sense?
Sitting all day is so against what our bodies are designed to be. Our bodies are meant for movement. When I have to sit at my computer all day, I will set an alarm and every 50 minutes, I will get up and do some type of movement. I usually have my rebounder close by and I bounce for about 10 minutes to some good songs, I will do lunges/pushups/jumping jacks etc. to just move my body. It’s makes all the difference in the world with my productivity!
Heidi
Hi JC,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your struggles with us. Let’s see if we can help bring some clarity into your situation.
I’m curious…what makes you feel like you can’t walk away? You don’t feel strong enough?
How long have you been dating? What are your ages? Do you know much about his relationship history?
Just something to think about. It’s NOT true, healthy love when you love someone at the expense of yourself. A healthy love is when loving someone is ALSO loving to yourself. You cannot exclude yourself from the equation. If you do, then the love you feel is full of all kinds of woundedness, hurt, lies and low self-esteem. You have chosen to love a guy who doesn’t know what he wants…or he does know what he wants and you are giving it to him. You have taught him that he can treat you however he wants. You have taught him that your identity, value and worth are wrapped up into him. You have taught him that you will always come back, no matter what he has done.
People treat us exactly the way we teach them to treat us. The first place to begin here, is for you to start to connect to and know your own value. When you truly value, care and respect yourself, then the people around you will start to align with that. Those that don’t, will fall away.
He also deserves to be accepted for WHO HE IS. You love him, yet you are wanting to change him? Do you really feel like that is love? If you stay with him, it’s because you accept him for EXACTLY who he is and not for who he could be. Staying with him means that he is just going to keep taking you on this rollercoaster ride. If you are not in enough pain to leave and get off the ride, then you will stay until you feel like you can’t take it anymore. If you break up, you need to equip yourself with support and a plan about how to stay away and not allow yourself to be talked back into taking another ride with him.
Thoughts?
heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I’m sad this is happening and that this is how you feel with him. I understand your decision and it makes sense and it sounds like you are very clear. It’s still sad.
I want to encourage you to take ownership for how you feel though. Instead of you directly ending it, you are now putting the decision in his hands and that’s not fair. You have not been honest with him. He probably has no idea how you feel and that you are at your end. Instead, you are phrasing it as “I wonder if it would be best FOR YOU….” instead of taking ownership of what is best for you. I’m wondering if you set it up this way to see if he would fight for you. What if he comes back and says he doesn’t want space and he never asked for it? Then what?
If you truly want closure and you truly are done, it would have been best to do it in person and not through email. It would have honored him and the relationship you guys have built. So why not just message him and ask him for a conversation? Let him know that you feel complete with the experience with him and you’d rather move forward just as friends. Take charge of your needs and don’t put the power in his hands and sit and wait around for a response. Make sense?
Heidi
Oh wow Vino! You are having some amazing breakthroughs! Thank you for sharing everything!
I’m sooooo glad Marci is able to help you connect deeper with yourself and your life and where some of the core issues are coming from. It’s fascinating isn’t it?? You are doing such great work and seeing some HUGE differences in your life…even with your reactions to JB. It’s quite beautiful, as I know you have worked so hard to get here.
I’m so sorry about your son. It must be scary for you. Are you going to Ethiopia with them or just sending them alone? Do you feel it will help him? What are your thoughts on the next steps in helping him?
Heidi
Hi Luisa!
I love that you got those perfumes! Now go out and test them! See what the general consensus is from the guys around you. I do know many men who cannot stand perfumes of any variety. Scents can be triggering in both good and bad ways, so just make sure you always ask. It’s hard for someone to be blunt and say “I can’t stand your smell” so if I am going to wear any kind of scent around someone, I always ask them if they like the scent or not, just to be considerate.
Heidi
Hi Georgette,
Yes! It makes complete sense and I can see why you would believe this way. There is a deeper truth here though. We all come into this life with a different emotional structure, which means we respond to the same exact situations VERY differently. His children are NOT your children. It’s an ENTIRELY different situation, different parents, different emotional makeup, different resources, different friends etc. The truth is Divorce DOES NOT CAUSE these challenges. What causes the emotional challenges in our lives, is the story we end up attaching to a situation. That story is where the stress lives. There are thousands of people who have gone through divorce, abuse, neglect, abandonment, homelessness etc. and they don’t have addictions or attempted suicides. There are thousands that do as well. So again…it’s not about the actual situation that causes addiction or suicide, it’s the emotional response and story that is attached to the situation. Your youngest most likely was born being EXTREMELY sensitive which means that EVERYTHING that happens in her life is going to feel much harder than it does for most. It’s not your fault that she is choosing what she is choosing, although I know that is not what it feels like for you. If you had stayed together in an unhappy marriage, who’s to say she still wouldn’t have these experiences in her life. She would have ended up with 2 very unhappy parents who are trying to stay together for her? No kid respects that and all you are role modeling is to sacrifice your needs for others. Is that what you would have wanted to teach her? You guys getting divorced was role modeling to her that it’s important to fight for your happiness, even if that means breaking up. Is that such a bad lesson?
There are a million ways I could spin this. I’d like to invite you to create a different story around divorce that empowers you. Here is the story you have created about divorce: The kids may be hurt or angry if they find out but in the end I do think they will see how much their parents gave up just so that they could have a decent childhood, instead of one where they felt at fault or unloved or neglected or whatever else children of divorce feel. I could throw a penny and hit someone who grew up in a divorced household and they don’t feel neglected or unloved. Children do have to process the split, of course and they do have heavier feelings about it. But HOW they respond, whether they become a victim or empowered by the experience, has to do directly with the emoti.nal structure they came into this life with. It’s the nature vs. nurture thing, right? It’s both. You can provide the most amazing, nourishing, loving home and provide the best nurture you can, but that DOES NOT override your daughter’s nature. Your daughter’s nature is what responds to her life in the way she does. That’s why I’m inviting you to create a different story around divorce. That is HER experience, it does not have to be yours.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Are you willing to start to care for your needs more? You are just as important and valuable as the next person. This is such a great time for you to start to know and practice that with yourself.
Heidi
Hi Michele,
It must feel really awful to have been “dumped” on with a cat situation and him not even checking in. I don’t blame you for healing hurt and wondering if he even cares. That is an answer no one has, except for him. The way he is behaving, it would seem that he really is more connected to his new life and he is not very connected with you and your experience. Does my silence indicate to him I am moving on more?? It’s possible and that may be what he really wants. OR, your silence could end up triggering something in him that makes him feel like he misses you. Either way, there is no way to know as you guys are not in communication. All you have to go by are his actions. His actions are showing you that he is not interested in knowing or caring about what you are experiencing. Your job is to stay focused on yourself and keep doing PIES. Keep forgiving him and keep working on becoming the very best version of yourself, whether or not he is responsive. That is the secret to attracting men. When a woman loves herself, takes care of herself, holds a deep confidence about her, respects herself and lives a full, vibrant life…men want to be around that!
It’s respecting yourself by not reaching out and connecting with him after he dumped a challenging situation on you. Maybe next time, you will decide to not let him dump something on you – which is a great way for him to feel how you respect yourself by having boundaries.
What are some specific ways you are doing PIES? I’d love to hear how you are feeling about yourself and what you are specifically doing to improve your life.
Heidi
I know that must be hard for you. He was so connective and behaving like a boyfriend, but then he just disappeared. It’s confusing and heartbreaking. There is a solution to your situation, but not the one you want. You want him to love you back and you want to be in a relationship with him. The truth is, he isn’t capable. Really think about this….do you want a guy to be your partner in life who has the ability to just up and leave whenever he feels like it, without a word? The fact that he is even capable of that, tells you that when stress is high enough, he will bail. That is NOT a partner. That is NOT someone who is loving. What that is, is a someone who is letting fear completely control their life and when fear is in the driver’s seat, trying to solve a conflict or face challenges in a relationship, will be near to impossible. Is that the kind of man you want to partner up with?
I know you feel like you love him. I know there are some amazing qualities about him, otherwise you wouldn’t have connected with him to this level. AND…you also have to remember that the limitations he has, sabotages love and connection. Love is never enough to keep a relationship healthy and sustainable. You can love him, but that does not mean you would love a relationship with him. Those are 2 very different things. I always coach people to choose who to let into their life according to the WORST parts of a person. Who a person is, in their worst, needs to be workable in a relationship, loveable and acceptable. Is him ghosting you workable in a relationship? No. Is him ghosting you loveable and acceptable? No. By choosing to love him anyway and wanting to invite him back into your life, means that you are not loving nor respecting yourself. It means you are teaching him that he can do whatever he wants and because you love him, he can come back. It means that you are teaching him that he does not have to respect you, because ultimately, you are not respecting yourself.
It’s important you get VERY clear about what you want in a relationship. I’m sure a lot of what he did would be included in that AND would not be included. You can love him, but it doesn’t mean your feelings are to lead you into a relationship with a guy who has the ability to just up and leave without saying a word.
Thoughts?
Hi Kate,
Welcome! I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Of course you are scared! The thing is, you don’t want to rely on him to make sure you feel safe in your life. Have you ever tried finding a community or support group for people who have MS? I used to have a friend a while back who was part of a group and she LOVED it! She had many friends, she had help, she had people who knew the MS community really well and were able to guide her – it was great! She had no one by the way. She was single, no parents or siblings or anyone in her personal life that could help her, so the community she connected in with, really helped her feel safe in her life. I think finding help, beyond your mother and your now ex boyfriend would be the first step in helping you cope with your situation.
I’m sorry that things ended for you. It sounds like he was very particular about what he needed and you agreed to it. It doesn’t sound like there was much growth over the 20 years. Of course you miss him. It will feel like for a while. He’s been part of your life for 20 years. It will feel like something is missing for a period of time as you figure out your new normal. It’s so important for you to fill your life with fun, pleasure, nourishment and self-love while you go through this. From what you are saying, it doesn’t sound like you truly want the relationship back. I think you are really seeing that he wasn’t very invested anyway and is not willing to fight for the relationship. I imagine you would like to be with a man who deeply loves you and wants to be with you and wants to live with you and know every part of who you are. He is not that guy. Are you willing to really let him go?
Heidi
