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Hi Michelle,
The very last statement you made about sums it up. Your nervous system, your limbic system, all your systems are functioning at such high levels to deal with your life, that anything peaceful and easy would feel “boring” to you. There has been quite a bit of research on this topic actually. If someone is so used to a certain level of stress, when something easy or peaceful comes around, the nervous system was found to go into a “depressive” state. Interesting, right??
With all you have been through, of course you would continue to attach to a man who wasn’t available for you. I guarantee you would most likely sabotage a relationship with a guy who gave you everything you wanted. I have seen people do that a million times!!! My coach once said “The number one reason people don’t get better, is they start to get what they want, but their system is not set up to be happy.”
Your heart is NOT what is holding onto this guy…it’s wounded, sad, hurt little girl energy that is wanting to hold onto him for dear life and ignore how he is treating you. Of course there are some great things about him too, but it’s just not enough. So you can either put your adult self in the driver’s seat, put your little girl energy in the back seat and let her know that she will be okay and you will love her and take care of her through this loss….or you let her drive and continue to expose yourself to hurt and dysfunction. It’s really that simple, but VERY FAR from being anything easy to do. So it really about your pain tolerance. If you are sick and tired of hurting, then you know what to do. If you are willing to step back onto the rollercoaster, you get to do that too! God knows, I’ve done that a million times…and I learn my lesson each time. You are the only one who knows when you are done.
Heidi
Well done Rose!!! That’s fabulous that you found a way to communicate how you feel without putting him on the defensive!!! This is such a HUGE game changer in relationships. No, it doesn’t fix everything, but it sure supports much more healthy interactions. That must have felt really good for both of you!
I know that only time will tell, but take it day by day. Each day will bring you the information you need. I am always asking for the truth, so in my mind, I say “show me the truth about this situation…or this person…or myself. I ALWAYS get something that comes across my path, sometimes painful, sometimes amazing that helps me know the direction I need to head in. Stay open and listen and watch all the things that come across your path and you will be guided on a path that will serve you well.
Heidi
It depends. Do you want to continue a relationship with him? Or are you ready to let go of him and how you guys interact with each other?
Heidi
Shoot! I am just now seeing your reply after I responded to the other thread you started. I thought your situation felt really familiar and now I know why…lol. Go ahead and respond to the other thread and we can keep continuing on that one.
As to your last question, what kinds of things bring pleasure and laughter into your life? For me, I spend a lot of time with dogs, walks, hiking, super yummy meals, fresh flowers ALWAYS in my house, I go drive around and look at xmas lights, I find ways to help people, I make cookies and pass them out. Maybe some of these things will give you ideas.
I cannot answer for you whether this guy is “the one” or not. What I can tell you is that when you “love” someone, YOU need to be included in the situation. So I would ask you, is it loving yourself to stay connected and give your heart to a guy who doesn’t seem very committed to you? Is it loving yourself to chase after a guy who hasn’t contacted you for 6 months? Is it loving yourself to be in a relationship where there is a lot of fighting, uncertainty and ups and downs? I know there are a TON of good things as well. Studies have shown over and over and over again that a healthy relationship is based on how people treat each other in their worst moments, not their best moments. So whenever I gauge whether a relationship is loving for me and for him, I base it off of how we treat each other in our worst moments. Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Remember, reply to this in the other thread you started!
Heidi
I’m excited for you Jodie! 2021 is a great way to start fresh and new, letting go of what doesn’t serve you for your highest and best good. I know soooooooo many people that feel very ready to shed the junk of 2020, so you will be part of the collective really releasing the baggage.
Please share some of the things you want to put on your vision board!!!
Heidi
Hi Katerina,
Welcome to the forum! It sounds like you have quite a confusing situation.
Let’s first talk about you and I want to guide you in that direction because you and your reactions are all you have control over. I imagine you want to stop arguing so much, yes? I imagine you want a bit of a different design in the relationship, yes? I’m wondering if he just reached his threshold. I’ve seen many situations where the guy is just so sick of dealing with the fighting, nagging or feeling like he is never enough, that they just walk away. Has he ever mentioned feeling like that with you? Is there a possibility of he may have found someone new?
Regardless, let’s talk about what YOU can do to become a better partner. If he ever does come back, you want to show him that you are working on becoming a better teammate with him. That you will NOT hang up on him and instead you will work through things with him in a more respectful way. You want to show him you are learning new ways to communicate. You want him to feel like being in relationship with you is easy. What other things can you do to show him you are growing and working on yourself? When a guy sees and feels changes like that, he is more likely to want to come back vs. step back into the same old patterns that don’t feel good. Thoughts?
I would not suggest for you to text him “Show me that you love me.” That doesn’t quite fit for your situation. You can use the hero instinct text though. He may not reply back, but isn’t that something you need to know anyways? Take it one step at a time and keep gathering information. Text him and find out what happens. It’s better than doing nothing, right? Right now, it’s stagnant…nothing is happening, so something needs to change. Give it a shot!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Luisa,
It makes sense what you are saying. The thing about relationships are there are going to be certain “rules” so to speak, but it’s up to you 2 to decide what those “rules” are. Every couple is different. I wouldn’t necessarily say rules need to be established. I would say it’s more about agreeing to the type of couple you are going to be together. It’s about being like-minded and making sure you are on the same page.
SO what kind of relationship DO you want with him? Monogomous? Open? You say you don’t care about titles, but how would you introduce him to friends and family? Titles do help communicate and create a type of container about the type of relationship you have together. Right now, you are just friends with benefits. You obviously want more, but what “more” do you want? Be specific. If you ever do have this conversation with him, you want to make sure you are very clear.
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Welcome! YOu have a pretty tough situation and I’m glad you are here! There are a lot of layers here to talk about, so let’s just go piece by piece.First, although you guys had a great time together, he has been pretty difficult to deal with, yes? I understand there is a connection and that feels amazing! However, beyond the connection, how the relationship functioned was a rollercoaster. Despite how much you change, improve your skills, do better…it doesn’t shift how he behaves. Because he is not doing his own work, he will bring another rollercoaster into your life. You cannot control the rollercoaster. It’s who he is and how he functions in his life. Do you want to invite the rollercoaster experience back into your life??
Let’s just start there…
Heidi
HI Rose,
Yes, you will be okay, no matter what happens. The story you have created about maybe her being the best one for him is not a story that is for you to decide. You are good for him too. She is good for him. Every person that steps into our lives has lessons for us. What I think is important is for you to get VERY clear about the kind of love you want to have in your life and you set some standards around that kind of love.
I know you feel a crazy strong connection with him and love and attraction and chemistry. It’s all some STRONG stuff. I wish that were enough to keep a relationship together. I had that kind of connection with someone before, but in action, it wasn’t healthy. Under stress, he became unkind and uncaring and disrespectful. I had never felt that kind of connection with any man so saying goodbye to him was extremely hard. I would rather be alone than in love and mistreated. When we love someone else, is isn’t TRUE love unless we are loving ourselves at the same time. What I asked myself is “Is loving him also loving for me? Is being in relationship with him treating myself with respect, love and honor?” THe answer was no. It wasn’t loving to me to allow myself to be mistreated. I wasn’t loving myself by exposing my heart to a man who lived with a lot of fear and hurt and projected that onto me….regardless of the connection and incredible chemistry we had with each other. My point being, I want to invite you to think about these same questions. Let us know what you come up with. Let’s just keep talking about this.
Heidi
Hi Theresa,
Wow! There really is a lot happening here and I see where you would feel very stuck. One side deeply loves and cares and wants to connect with him and another side of you is really angry with how you are being treated. Both sides have a lot of truth in them and so it creates this constant battle in your mind and heart….therefore you never really feel completely peaceful and safe with him.
Let’s talk about trust. First, he is in 2 relationships. You and his ex. Even though they are not romantic, they are in a relationship and there obviously are A LOT of unresolved issues between them. It’s interesting how what he is wanting from his ex (an apology) is exactly what he is not giving to you. I’ve watched very “asleep” people get so angry about how they are being treated and they turn around and do it to another person, without ever making the connection.
Here is something to think about. John Gottman did the largest official study on relationships…20 years. He asked “what makes a relationship last?” From his findings, there has always been 1 thing that stood out the most to me. We need to make our choice of who we let into our very sacred space of our hearts, according to who they are in their worst – not their best. He found that couples that last longer 20 years and are actually happy, when they argue and when they are in their worst, they behave in a respectful way towards each other. That bit of information is a foundation – a core pillar – to a solid love that has the ability to last a lifetime.
I imagine that anything you are feeling or reacting to about him, is just going into the BIG pot of stress he feels that is also being contributed by his ex. If she were not in the picture, I wonder if he would be more available for you. Either way, you are learning and seeing how he handles stress. He basically ignores, runs and doesn’t want to deal with your feelings. There are 2 approaches to this. Either learn a different way to express how feel and learn some new communication skills, or understand that this is who he is and you either accept it or you leave.
His trust issues are his own. But what I would suggest is to get curious about his trust issues and create more of a conversation around it, so you can understand it more. Questions like, when did you start feeling like this? What EXACTLY are not you not trusting? What are you afraid is going to happen? What EXACTLY would you like to change or shift so you can feel safe with me? Start digging into it more and you will most likely see a thread that comes from his ex or his past. Understanding more where it comes from can help you have more compassion for his struggles and maybe even help shed a light on that for him as well.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Nakysha,
That must be hard for you. I’m so sorry that he really isn’t initiating much. How are you feeling? What are your thoughts?
Hi Luisa,
Just checking in. Any new updates? What are your thoughts about your next steps with him?
Heidi
