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Whoa! To send a message saying “soon our eyes will meet” and then say his niece died of Covid…yikes!!! This guy is definitely someone you want to stay away from. He may be a scammer or just really messed up. Either way, I would suggest to stay away. He has provided you with enough evidence to know he is not someone you want to continue with, so DO NOT connect at all anymore.
You can simply say, “Hi Russell. I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through. I just want to be honest and create closure. I’m not interested in pursuing our connection any further. I wish you all the best. Take care.”
You seem to be very clear that he is not your person, so why leave the door open to him if he starts to chase you???
Thoughts?
Heidi
What great questions!!! It sounds like you guys are navigating the path really well so far. I love how much fun you all had during New Year’s. Those kind of events are so important. He needs to EXPERIENCE having fun while being sober. Well done for helping to create that for him!!!
You can ask for little things for help. For example, when you guys are together, maybe you are on the couch and you say “Honey, my feet are killing me. Would you mind rubbing them just for 2 minutes each?? You seriously would put me in heaven.” Then after he does it, make sure to REALLY appreciate him for it. Or you could ask for his opinion on something or advice about a challenge. Even if you have solved it or don’t need his opinion, do it anyways. Take those moments to learn about what his advice would be. Even though you don’t need, it’s still you learning about who he is and him getting to feel helpful in your life. You could ask him for ideas about presents, meals to cook, outfits you wear. They are all small and silly, but what it will do is generate a feeling of him being part of your life and him feeling like his opinion matters to you. Obviously you don’t want to bombard him with all that small stuff…just insert things here and there. See what he does with it. It’s all an experiment…so just see what works and doesn’t work and then go from there.
I think it would be a good thing to ask him to share how he feels about you when he is sober. It might be terrifying for him to be that vulnerable, but you can present it in a way that can feel non-threatening….hopefully. You could say something like, “You know what would just put the hugest smile on my face? I’ve never heard you express your thoughts about me while you were sober. You’ve said some amazing things to me under the influence though, so I know it’s in there. I understand it might be a bit scary for you. It’s not a deal-breaker or anything. I think you are amazing regardless. I just wanted to bring it to the forefront of your mind that if you ever want to put me on cloud 9, or if you want to have sex (smile when you say this part and be kind of flirty), then telling me some nice things you feel about me is the secret.” Then just leave it at that. It’s not putting him on the spot right then…it allows him time and space to let it percolate a bit and then you just sit back and see what happens.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Pamela,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us! There definitely are a lot of reasons to be confused.
I want to encourage you just to straight up ask. NO ONE can know what he is thinking and feeling. Yes, we can make educated guesses, but what’s the point when you can just ask him directly. You need to hear it FROM HIM! He needs to say it. There is plenty of evidence that would make it VERY appropriate for you ask about what is actually going on. If he is still with his girlfriend, then you know that he is being HIGHLY inappropriate by connecting with you as much as he is and being flirty. Isn’t that something you would want to know about him? If he is not with his girlfriend, he maybe really enjoying your company but just not ready to take things further just yet (which would be the smartest thing to do – but unlikely). Either way, your “friendship” is not pure friendship. Male/female TRUE/PLATONIC friends do not text that much, they do not flirt with each other and they do not have extended staring at each other moments. There is chemistry and action to support that chemistry, so you guys are not just friends. It’s important for you to get clear and make sure you both are on the same page.
Asking him for clarity is more about you taking care of your heart and bringing your mindset into alignment with what is. If you lose him as a friend because you ask, would you call that real friend anyways? If he bails and ends things because you asked him, then I say again…this is information you need to know about him. Yes, it’s a risk, but one worth taking!
So here is how you can approach it. MAKE SURE YOU TALK TO HIM IN PERSON!!! This is not a conversation to have over text!!!! Ask him out for coffee or something and let him know you need his guidance about something, but you want to talk to him in person about it. Then when you ask him in person, you can start the conversation by saying something to the effect “So…this is what I need guidance with. You and I have been connecting really well. We have a lot of fun together, we flirt a bit and I definitely feel the chemistry. I’m just not really sure what is going on though. I’m not sure if you still have a girlfriend, I’m not sure if there is potential to date, I’m not sure what you really need right now. I’m confused. I’d love your guidance and I want to make sure we are on the same page. Your friendship is important to me and that’s why this conversation is needed for me. Can you help me out here?”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Here is a website from one of my favorite experts on attachment styles. She offers a lot of great advice on how to work with each attachment style. If you understand avoidant on a deeper level, what makes them contract and what makes them reconnect, it could be helpful for you.
Hi Lili,
Since you are most likely dealing with a narcissist and definitely an avoidant, there are a few things to understand. Narcissists LOVE to be worshiped, so one way to engage him might be complimenting him and telling how much you miss him in your life. Let him know how amazing he is in some sort of fashion. Being that he is avoidant, using the least amount of words possible is best. So maybe send him a text with 3 to 4 short sentences letting him know that you miss him, can we just move past this and have some fun together. Maybe present the idea of playing a card game over zoom or something? Let him know you don’t need to talk further about whatever happened unless he wants to, but you are ready to move past it.
The other approach is to still continue to give space. Wait a week and see what happens. Avoidants need a lot of space and they typically will return to connection as long as there is no threat of confrontation. So maybe in a week, you can send him a funny video, a great article, pictures of a place you want to take a vacation or something light and fun that he would enjoy.
Is this helpful? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rose,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How are things with Dave? Any new developments? Is he connecting a bit more?
Would love an update!heidi
Hi Tera,
I just wanted to check in. How are things going? Did you decide on an approach you wanted to take with him? Any new developments? We would love an update.
Heidi
Hi Katerina,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. What’s going on? How are you feeling? Any new developments? What steps have you taken to try and remedy things with your friends? We would love an update!
Heidi
Well I’m glad you have more clarity about Russell. What will you do if he reaches out again?
Are you going to try that matchmaking service you attached the link for? That might be fun!
I sure would love for you to be able to stay home, sleep in your own bed and have that job that allows you to stay there and grow some roots and not have to jump from project to project. There is a lot of energy output to live the kind of life you are living. I would love to see you rest :).
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I’m so sorry Russell is not responding in the way you are wanting. It’s really hard to not be able to get what you want, especially when you are struggling so much with feeling like you are living in scarcity (with your environment).
The loss of Russell is exposing a mindset you have that is giving you an opportunity to work on! I’m wondering how much “excitement” or “hope” you were putting into Russell because he was the most interesting thing happening in your life. If you were hiking and kayaking and living at home and having lots of contact with your friends, I wonder how depressed you would be about Russell. My guess is, you probably would feel a pinprick of hurt, but you would move on much faster. My guess is, he is sourcing you with entertainment and connection…things you are not getting anywhere else in your life. What about using these last 78ish days working on mastering ways to feel like you are being really filled up? I again, would encourage you to take down your countdown calendar and work on being present. It’s like you are saying in your mind “Only 78 days left of torture” or “only 78 days left of suffering” or something of that sort. So what you are thinking, believing, feeling about where you are at right now, is not working very well. You are more in a mindset of scarcity and everything you don’t have or want instead of in a mind of abundance and focusing on everything you DO have. This is an opportunity for you to develop a new skill that is sooooo valuable in any relationship….learning how to rely completely on yourself for ways to bring joy in your life, regardless of your environment.
Now that Russell is not showing up, you are depressed and you immediately are going back to the thoughts of “what’s wrong with me.” Now is an opportunity for you to recognize how much you are putting your value in the man’s hands. Why is there something wrong with you, just because Russell is not responding??? Why can’t there be something wrong with him? Why can’t it be that you guys really are not a good match? Why can’t it be that it’s just not good timing for either of you? Your thoughts and feelings of depression are letting you know that you have a little girl inside of you that is desperately wanting to loved and chosen BY YOU!!! She needs YOU, not a guy to tell her that is loveable and perfect JUST AS SHE IS! She needs to feel your love. Your judgment of her is what is causing the depression, not Russell. This is the hard work Rhonda, that few people really do, but it’s the healing work.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Helen,
You feel unresolved because of what is in YOU. You do not need him to resolve anything. There have been MANY times that I was mistreated, ghosted, hurt and the person was not available or not really capable of resolving a thing…so I had to create closure all on my own. It’s very possible….and the path I would recommend for you to take.
It really leaves me feeling unresolved and wanting to be on a better note with him. Truth is, this guy isn’t capable of offering more. Here you are, trying to figure out all of these ways to be on a “better note” with him, but does HE really care? Nope. What is HE doing to resolve things WITH YOU in a consistent, healthy, follow through kind of way? Nothing. So that makes YOU the only one that really cares and the only one to fight to have a small thread of some kind of friendship. He is NOT even friend material. HE is clear. HE doesn’t want to connect with you. I know it hurts and I know it feels awful and activates anger / frustration for you. Because he is a BIG mess, trying to resolve how you feel with him in the picture, is just inviting more mess into your life. It’s time for you to start to say NO to emotionally unavailable men and start to choose yourself, love yourself more than the connection you are seeking from them and break this pattern. He is the perfect person to start this with.
Are you willing to forgive him and release him completely and close the door to any and all contact/friendship/connection with him?
Heidi
Hi Helen,
So I’m wondering…if you don’t want anything serious, you don’t feel like he treated you like a good friend, he isn’t responding to a funny video you sent…yet you want to gain back his attentions? What is happening for you that you are seeking attention from a guy who is not available?
Whatever his reasons, mind games or not, it doesn’t really matter does it? You have enough information to know that he is not responding and he cannot offer you what you want right now. It seems like you are trying to maybe tap into the potential that is there? Which leads me to believe that maybe you want more with this guy than you are willing to admit. Again, what you are saying and what you are wanting to do are 2 completely different things. I’ve been there MANY times and it’s important to get your whole mind, body and spirit in alignment instead of split.
So what do you want? Do you want to chase after an emotionally unavailable guy to see if you can gain his attentions? Or do you want to let this guy go and fight for something more for yourself? Either path will have a lot of gifts and lessons to learn. Either path will hurt. So it’s up to you what you would like to experience.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jules,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your situation with us. It’s tough to let go of someone you get along so well with.
You say it felt like he could have been “the one.” What makes you say that? There is soooooo much you don’t know about him yet, so to give him so much clout when he hasn’t really earned it yet, isn’t really clear.
Whatever he is going through right now, I think the very best thing you can do is just keep supporting him and being friends. I love how honest he was. Who knows if it is from the depression or if he truly just doesn’t have those kind of feelings for you. It really is your choice to wait it out or to move on. Personally, I’m a move on kind of gal. If a guy isn’t crazy about me, then I’m not going to stick around, as I deserve nothing less than that. Everyone is different though. This is about you deciding what you want to experience and then aligning with it. If you want to wait around and find out whether it’s the depression or not, then it’s important to be clear about how long you will wait. If you don’t want to wait around, then just keep being friends and move on with your life. Only you know what you are willing to deal with. Either way, it hurts and there is no way around it.
Trying to counteract depression is pretty tough. Is he on medication? Whatever he needs to figure out about himself and whatever he needs to do to get balanced again, that’s what he needs to focus on, so trying to do any techniques to get his attention right now, probably wouldn’t make him feel very supported. As a friend, keep things light, fun and easy. Just be yourself. Let him figure his life out first and know that he isn’t going to be very available until then.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Amy,
Welcome! I can understand your confusion as he is sending a lot of mixed messages.
Let me just ask you something. Are you sure you want to fight for a guy and gain interest of a guy who lies to you? He is showing you some VERY important sides to himself.
He is making plans and not following through AND he is lying about why he is not able to follow through. Regardless of how much fun you are have had with him or how well you 2 get along, he ALSO is not someone authentic and in his integrity. Are you sure you want to invite this guy deeper into your life??Heidi
