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Hi Cassidy,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your questions with us. I totally get why you are struggling and why everything is so confusing.
Let’s see if we can help you find more clarity and a way forward that will be helpful!What’s happening for him is called the “upper limit.” The upper limit is the limit of how happy we allow ourselves to be. This limit is directly connected to how much low self esteem we carry. So someone with a lot of low self esteem, programs and stories that carry a lot of lies and trauma – will have a low upper limit. Meaning, they will NOT allow themselves to feel happy for very long. You know when someone is reaching their upper limit when they start to sabotage their happiness. I too came from a lot of trauma and in my younger years when I had a TON of low self-esteem, I would sabotage usually within 2 weeks! So basically, what your guy is doing, is allowing his low self-esteem control his life. The fears he carries, the stories he still hears in his mind and his inability to truly allow love to come in. Basically, his fear is MUCH bigger than his desires to love. His heart will not open as long as he keeps holding onto the stories of his past. His ability to love will always be limited and even if he did decide to move forward with you, there will be a million more walls you will have to face. You say he is the guy of your dreams, but you barely know him and being in relationship with some with this much low self esteem, means you are stepping into a lot of challenge and drama down the road. I know you guys haven’t argued yet, but you are still in the honeymoon phase.
With all of this being said, I’m not saying not to move forward. I understand your strong connection with him and desire to keep him in your life. So let me ask you this…are you willing to let go of needing to know if there is a future with him? Are you willing to just take one day at a time and let things develop naturally vs. needing some sort of prediction of where this is going with him? That is the only way you will be able to keep him in your life at this moment in time.
Here is the thing Cassidy. There are NO guarantees…EVER…about love and relationships. Love is a huge risk, so asking him to decide if there is a future only after 5 months, is quite a lot of pressure. He, nor anyone, not even you, can decide the future. If he is the best thing that’s ever happened to you, why not just keep enjoying it instead of trying to control it into the direction you want so you can feel more secure. Are you willing to let go of controlling where this goes and just be present with him? If you take that pressure off, the odds of him staying with you will greatly increase. You can say something like, “You know…I was really thinking about it. If I’m going to be completely honest, it’s scares me to feel these things I feel with you. Because it scares me, I’m trying to create more safety for myself by asking you where “we” are going. You know what? That’s not really fair. It’s impossible for either of us to know where this is going. I’m trying to control our direction and I’m seeing how it’s causing separation between us. So I propose that we just take one day at a time. What if we just kept hanging out, laughing and playing and talking and just continuing to get to know each other..one day at a time. Can we just do that together? Not worry about the future and just make each day a good day together? All I know is that I want you in my life. My life is better with you in it. I am better because of you. We are good together. There is no reason for either of us to walk in different directions…at least not right now. So for today…can we just relax and not think about tomorrow?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rose,
Gratitude is a powerful thing isn’t it? It helps keep your focus on what you DO have and not what you don’t have. I’m glad to hear that it’s working for you.
I would also suggest to look up on youtube EFT or TFT. Those are also very powerful, yet subtle techniques that can help shift how you are feeling.
This might be a good book: https://www.amazon.com/Artists-Way-Spiritual-Higher-Creativity/dp/1585421472
I want to keep encouraging you to find ways to have a specialist guide you through what you are feeling and experiencing. You have some pretty deep wounds that need some healing. Once you work on those wounds and the baggage you are carrying, you will not have to always manage your feelings and reactions with gratitude and journaling. So maybe consider finding a group to become a part of, go through a book with specific exercises or something of that nature.
It sounds like his heart is opening up a bit more. That’s wonderful! Keep being patient and taking one moment at a time!
Heidi
Wait! What does that mean exactly? Is it automatic that you will get to start on the new project? Is it with the same company you are with right now? And by your excitement, it’s a project you will get to work on from home, yes??
OMG…I’m getting really excited for you!!!
Heidi
Hi Katerina,
Are you willing to meet with a Psychiatrist? It sounds like you are pretty depressed and need some help.
You CAN start over. You are so much more than what you are giving yourself credit for. The only reason you want to step back into this relationship is because he defined you. If you go back, yes, you will have relief from the pain and depression you are feeling right now. You will also be stepping into another kind of pain though, so it’s really one trade off for another. If you can get some help and work through this loss, you will actually be healing, instead of just stepping back into old patterns that have brought you to this very moment. This is a HUGE turning point for you Katerina. You can either step back into the wounds and avoid all that you are feeling right now – nothing will heal – the cycle of rejection will continue – he will break up again and round and round you go. OR…you fight for you life with everything you have in you. There is so much more waiting for you, but you have to fight for it. You have to get some help, you have to decide that HE is NOT going to steal your joy and your happiness. You have given him ALL of your authority to determine how you feel about yourself and in your life. He, nor anyone, deserves that much power in your life.
So you either get up and fight for more in your life, or you go back to old patterns and stay stuck.
Heidi
Hi Flora,
Oooooh I am soooo sorry for the hurt and anger you are feeling. You were fooled. Your trust is broken not only with him, but within yourself. There is a lot to repair here.
First it’s important to understand that he knows he has deeply hurt you and the level of anger and rage you are throwing his direction, does not really allow him the room to talk with you or even fight for you. He essentially is doing and respecting what you have asked of him, which is to get out of your life. Most people would do exactly that with someone who is so angry at them. Things need to cool down first, before you can have a conversation. You have to be able to provide the space for him to feel safe enough to open up to you. Meaning, he needs to be able to talk and share his feelings without you getting so angry and resentful that you shower him with all of that energy. I don’t know a single person who would want to step into that.
So I think the best thing is to deal with your hurt and the betrayal first…at least enough so that you can have a more calm conversation with him. Once you have reached that point, invite him to have a conversation with you. And then it’s one step at a time from that point on.
So my question to you is, what can you do or are doing to process this hurt and anger that you are feeling?
Heidi
I’m glad to hear you guys are still connecting and talking. Are you guys clear about what it would look like if things worked out? Meaning…what does HE need from you and the relationship for him to feel good about you going back? What do YOU need? You both need some specific things to know what you are working towards. It sounds like there is talking and connecting and more understanding, but not a very clear goal as to what EXACTLY needs to happen for him to feel good about moving forward and the same for you as well.
It sounds like he is scared of your coldness. Is that something he can accept about you? It will show up again and you will say things you don’t mean again, so is that something he is willing to accept and work through with you each time?
I’m so glad to hear you are focusing on gratitude and the things you do have. That’s an important skill and it is definitely helpful! That is one of many skills you will need to rely on when life becomes challenging again, so keep practicing it every single day! Well done!
Heidi
It does make sense. I’m not saying not to talk to him. I’m just saying to help him be on the same page as you. Right now, when he does contact you, even though it’s not often, he is flirting and saying things to lure you in so to speak. He is not really speaking to you in a way that he would speak to a “friend.” My guess is, if you told him, he most likely would not reach out anymore. If he did reach out, at least it would be under the guise of friendship – so either way, everything is more aligned and authentic.
At the same time, I also can see why you just don’t feel the need to do anything. It’s not like he is putting much effort into anything anyway.
Do you get your vacation time this month? It’s 2 weeks, right? Wait…I think I remember you saying that got changed again. It all got changed so many times, I can’t quite remember where it was left at.
Heidi
Hi Emilia,
Welcome! You are asking some great questions!!!
The most important thing is to talk to his “higher self.” Meaning, when he shares his struggles, you hold a vision of him that is hard for him to grab onto right now.
First, when he shares his feelings, DO NOT head into fixing anything. Here is the process that works:
1. Validate how he is feeling. “It’s scary what you are facing right now. I understand your concerns. I can see why you feel that way.”
2. Get curious. Ask him more questions about what he is feeling. “What the hardest part you are facing about this? Why? Are you worried about what people will think about you? Are you worried at all about what I will feel or think about you?”
3. Then VALIDATE AGAIN!!!
4. Talk to his higher self. “You are resilient and resourceful. I know what you are facing is quite scary. I also know that you are intelligent and you will figure out a way to get through this. You are smart, you are a good connector and you know how to make things happen. I believe that about you 100% so I know that you will work your way through this.
4. head into problem solving if needed. At this point, you can say “Would you like some ideas? What is the best way for me to support you right now?And then, in the small moments of the day, make sure you are offering small, sweet compliments every once in awhile. Let him know you appreciate him, let him know he matters in your life, let him know the specifics of how you value him.
Does this make sense? Is it helpful?
Heidi
I’m curious. What is stopping you from ending things with Russell in the sense of letting him know you aren’t interested? Don’t you want to be on the same page?
Heidi
I’m so sorry to hear this. It sounds like he would rather hold onto his hurt than to be connected. That’s not your fault. People use hurt as a coping mechanism to create distance. It’s a way to break intimacy and it’s a way to sabotage. He obviously is dealing with a great amount of fear and as frustrating as that is, it is something he needs to face within himself. He is showing you, by his choice to not forgive, that he has limitations in relationship. He is showing you that fear is pretty strong in his life and is running the show. There is no amount of trying to explain anything that changes that. He has reached his level of intimacy with you and is stopping things from going further. That makes me so sad when people make that choice. Unfortunately is not so uncommon. It’s how most people function in their lives.
Being that he has created a barrier between you guys, what does this mean for you? He is showing you who he is, so now what? Are you going to choose to stay and continue to try and connect? Are you feeling like maybe it’s time for things to come to an end? What’s going on for you?
Heidi
Hi Erica,
Welcome! I’m so sorry for what you are going through. The 12 word phrase is basically a simple phrase of activating his hero instinct by asking for his help with something.
How about you share about what happened and then we can offer some guidance for you. This phrase may not be appropriate, so we may offer some other ideas.
We’d love to hear your story if you feel like sharing.
Heidi
Sounds about right! You know, one of the best ways to shift the energy of an awkward moment is to call it out. Even saying, “man…this is so awkward isn’t it!” It can break the tension. Or you just starting out saying “Wow…I’m really nervous to say this, so please just be patient with me. It might get awkward, but oh well. We can laugh about it.” When you just call it out instead of ignore the awkwardness, it allows the space to work through it instead of staying stuck.
Most of all, before going into the conversation, it’s about you programming in your mind, your heart, your body SEVERAL TIMES a day, “I am loveable, worth knowing and worth fighting for, even if he doesn’t see me that way. I am resilient and resourceful and I will be okay no matter what happens.” Keep reminding yourself of the truth. Every time fear shows up, you say “I honor you. I understand the fear AND I’m going to do this anyway. I will be okay.”
Is this helpful at all?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
It sounds like you are pretty clear about Russell. Are you sure you want to be friends? Even surface friends? It’s okay to cut ties completely. Remember, your energy and the connection you offer costs you. You want to make sure that whoever you send your energy out to and connect with, even on a surface level, that they are someone that is a good receiver and offers something in return as well. Russell might be the kind of guy that would be more draining than anything.
So have you told Russell that you feel complete and not interested in moving forward?
This is exciting that there really are jobs showing up that would allow you to work from home.
Heidi
Hi Tera,
I’m so glad to hear this is helpful for you! Navigating relationships is so tricky and you are one of the smart ones who reaches out for help with experts instead of just asking friends and family.
Let’s first talk about what you are wanting from him. Being that he is an alcoholic, he has A TON of feelings inside of him that he does not want to face. Old hurts, old anger, old resentment etc. It’s all big enough to cause him to feel the need to manage it with alcohol. AND…all that baggage is MUCH bigger than his heart energy. Meaning, he doesn’t have much access to his heart with all the junk he is carrying around. You should understand what that feels like, as you described being “numb” at the end of your last marriage. You feeling numb is a coping mechanism, because it wasn’t safe for you to feel. It’s the same for him. It’s not safe for him to feel vulnerable, open, love, connection. The anger he carries, the resentment he carries, the guilt and shame he carries all get in the way. So you wanting him to tell you he loves you is probably a looooong ways off. And even when he does, it probably will be just a small fraction. He has A LOT to work though and hopefully as he is going on this sober journey, he has a therapist or a group to help him slowly unravel all of what he is carrying inside. It takes a while. And….his focus and attention is going to be 100% on himself. What he is facing is HUGE and is going to take everything he’s got…so the relationship with you, will most likely suffer quite a bit. That’s why they always recommend people who are newbies on the sober path stay single. Your needs and wants may be asking more from him than what he has to offer right now.
Also asking him, or anyone for that matter, to commit to 100% being honest with you, is just unrealistic. We ALL lie, we ALL misdirect, we ALL keep some things private and don’t share. His answer was honest and his answer was more realistic to what you can expect. To me, what he said was he will do the very best he can, but he also is aware of parts of himself that are not so healthy, so it’s likely that he will lie, withhold and sabotage….so it sounds about right as to what you can expect from him.
You asked him to be honest with you, because deep down you are not feeling safe in the relationship. You were reaching for something that might help you feel more secure with him. Maybe it’s a good time to really address how you feel with him. Truth is, he is an emotionally unavailable guy. All addicts are until they become sober and know how to access their emotions. You came from an abusive marriage and hopped into a relationship with an addict. You definitely picked far better this time around, but still chose someone who isn’t emotionally available. So maybe it’s time for you to dive deeper into that part of yourself while he is diving deeper into his parts of himself. If you want to stay with this guy, it’s going to be a lot about supporting HIM on this journey so you need to make sure you don’t lose yourself in the process. That’s why there are support groups for partners with alcoholics. It’s a super tough road to be on the receiving end! Maybe consider asking for help in that way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
