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Hi Elizabeth,
Welcome! You are asking a great question. Your situation is not uncommon. It’s a very typical response for man that when he feels overwhelmed at work, their relationships skills tend to go down the drain, especially if it’s a new person they are just dating. Men truly get completely consumed by work. It’s part of their design…it’s not a bad or wrong thing…it’s just a natural part of a man. So him needing to take the pressure off of himself is a normal response.
The very best thing you can do is to just stay in touch every once in awhile. Let him feel like he has plenty of space and no demands from you. Check in with him every once in awhile through funny texts, occasional meetups for happy hour and just leave it at that. Still go live your life. Still keep dating and DO NOT rely on him to change his mind anytime soon. At some point, he will be ready for something more in his life, but it may not be with you and you may already have moved on…who knows. Either way, stay connected in a friendly way, have fun flirting with him and helping him be more playful in his life and just see how everything goes from there.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Rose,
I am soooooo sorry for what you have had to endure in your life. It truly is unspeakable the capability of many people on this earth. I too have the kind of background where I shouldn’t be functioning the way I do. I understand the cycle you go through and I understand feeling like you will never get through it all. I want to encourage you though. It’s not about getting through everything, it’s about clearing enough of the gunk/baggage/trauma that you get to live the majority of your life in peace, joy, happiness, love. That’s what I get to experience now. I love my life! Yes, I get triggered and in fact, I just had a really rough week, but I met with my coach and I was able to clear all of it sooooo quickly, that I’m back on my feet again, stronger. I would love to refer you to my coach. She used to be a therapist in California but gave up her license when she moved to another state. She has her PhD. I have never come across anyone as brilliant as her, especially when dealing with traumas and the super dark stuff. Her methods are fast too! Maybe she would be a good person to connect with, to guide you through to the next level of healing. If this interests you, let me know and I will reach out privately to give you her contact info.
How did the holidays go for you guys?
Heidi
I would suggest NOT to ask then. If you really want to get to know him and see if he truly is relationship material, just watch, observe and see who he REALLY is naturally without you pushing, prodding, questioning or initiating much. By stepping back and just seeing who he really is, will give you a lot of information you need, to see if he is even able to offer you what you want. Does this make sense?
Is he still being connective?
Heidi
Absolutely people break the cycle. You can break any cycle you want. Some are easier to break than others though. Usually what determines how long we stay stuck in a pattern is how deeply that pattern was engrained in our system as a child and how many times you have gone through that pattern. The more deeply engrained, the longer it can take to shift it. I used to have a pattern of only being attracted to the “bad boy” type. Oh man…that one took a while. I grew up with a father like that, so I had A LOT of practice being familiar with that pattern. Now, I have no interest at all. HOWEVER…it’s important to note that you CAN fall back into it. In the brain, as a certain pattern shifts, the old pattern will no longer light up and a new pattern will get established. Although the old network pattern is not being lit up, it is still there and always will be there. Therefore, it has the potential to be lit up again. That’s why you will find alcoholics who have been sober for 20 years, drink again. So although I have no interest in dealing with the “bad boy” type of guy anymore, I do still get tempted sometimes. I just have that part of me that is stronger and wants something different, that keeps me in check.
Here is a good movie to watch. https://www.imdb.com/video/vi3774611737?playlistId=tt0399877&ref_=tt_ov_vi
When it first came out, I had to watch it a handful of times to understand everything they were talking about. Now…the information in this movie has been expanded upon in huge ways and more common knowledge. This movie is a good foundation to build off of. One of the people in the movie (dr. Joe Dispenza) has written several books since then and has a HUGE business with the meditations and retreats he puts on. He could be a good person for you to continue learning from. I also like Gregg Braden, Michaela Boehm, Debbie Ford. I know Kanya has a lot of amazing book suggestions as well. We got ya covered with anything you want to know!!
But basically, releasing old patterns and creating new ones is about healing…forgiving and releasing what doesn’t serve you and then replacing it with the truth. It’s one thing to learn and have the knowledge, but it’s a completely different thing to LIVE what you know. For example, people KNOW that eating ice cream every night is not good for them, but they do it anyway. People KNOW that it causes stress to spend more than they make, but they do it anyway. Knowing and educating yourself is the first step, but then the REAL journey is getting that knowledge into action and BECOMING that knowledge. That’s when the healing has taken place. For example, I remember one time in my 20’s, I got stood up on a date. I got so upset, I went to a friends house and we bashed on guys while eating ice cream. I was upset for an entire week and couldn’t shake it. Even then, I KNEW it had nothing to do with me. I KNEW that I was quite the catch and that if a guy didn’t know that, he doesn’t get to be in my life anyway. But that’s not how I reacted, right? All my low self-esteem came up and all this deep hurt. Since then, I’ve done so much work on myself and I’m so much more connected to the truth that if I good stood up on a date today, of course my ego would get bruised and it would hurt, but I would be able to process that so fast and let it go, because the truth is in my cells, not just my head. Does this make sense? Is this helpful to explain the path you are on a little more?
Heidi
Hi Rose,
What a great realization!!! Our pasts are quite sneaky aren’t they? It’s because all of the stories, beliefs, feelings, thoughts etc. from the traumas get stored in our subconscious. What lives there is ALWAYS influencing us. Learning the language of the subconscious is really helpful, so then you are empowered to truly shift things. So I’m curious…how was this “expecting the worst” belief playing out in your relationship with him? What EXACTLY were you doing with him?
Does Dave know about how to deal with releasing traumas? I would like to recommend not necessarily leaning on him for this particular kind of help. It sets him up to kind of be in a “therapist” role and that is really unhealthy for any relationship…even if he does know what he’s talking about. It’s happened to me a ton! Because I know so much about healing traumas, I’ve had friends, boyfriends etc. turn me into their therapist and it’s just not a design that lasts. He can, of course, offer ideas of books, movies, techniques etc. and you guys can talk about things, but if he starts to turn into the person you are getting your guidance and advice from, that’s where things can take a turn for the worse. I would encourage you to lean more heavily on experts. Are you willing to go to see a therapist? That is really the fastest way to work through traumas.
Here are 2 books I like:
Heidi
Oh good! I’m glad to hear you are going to get a chance to get out of there! You are going to be soooooo happy!!! Your trip sounds lovely. Is it official then? Do you have the plan ticket and everything?
It sounds like Russell is putting in some great effort. Do you like him? You seem kind of blah about him.
Give Hinge a try. It’s kind of fun. They ask everyone different questions that are really fun. Let me know what you think!
Heidi
Hi Jodie,
We will ALL always have a lot of work to do on ourselves, right? It’s a forever path of growth and learning, forgiving and releasing. A long time ago, I used to think that I was really strong and healthy emotionally because not much affected me. My mom, who is the most amazing therapist I know, said to to me…”Honey…you are numb. That is not strength. Feeling is what takes strength.” I realized that a healthy person is still going to get triggered but they are able to get back up onto their feet quickly. A healthy person has a very low pain tolerance. I used to pride myself on how much pain I could take…lol! Now…whenever pain comes from someone’s dysfunction, I immediately am either talking about it and working through it with them or I’m out. No more keeping my mouth shut and dealing with everything internally. I’m sharing this with you so you have a clearer picture of the path you are on. Becoming healthier means you love your more, therefore you fight for yourself on all levels and you do not tolerate being mistreated…ever. Becoming healthier means that when you do get hurt, it won’t take forever to release the hurt. The more baggage you carry, the easier it is to get triggered and the more work it takes to get over the trigger. THe less baggage, the quicker the healing. Does this make sense?
You are doing such a great job of honoring yourself. You are going to slip many times, but that’s normal and okay. You refocus and get back on track and that’s what we are here to help you do, if need be. You are not alone in this. You CAN create the kind of love, the kind of love, the kind of experiences you want to have. You have everything you need within you to do that….it’s just a matter of fighting for it and activating it and saying no to anything less than that.
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Just thinking about you and the holidays and sending you tons of good vibes! My hope is that you are feeling well loved and cared about somehow.
Heidi
Hi Jodie,
Of course you cried! That was hard what you did and his response was quite disappointing, right? You want him to fight for you! You deserve to be fought for and he just isn’t stepping up to the plate in that way. For whatever reason, he has something blocking him. Regardless, it’s not about you. It’s about whatever lives in him. His limitations are hurtful for you, so yes…it doesn’t serve you well emotionally. All of our limitations cause hurt towards others, but what makes them sealable are when 2 people work through them together. Otherwise, there is not much of a “relationship” there.
The hurt and the loss of him will come in layers. What’s important is for you to reset your mind. When you have thoughts or daydream about him, keep stopping yourself and telling yourself “it’s over.” Eventually you will get it on levels of your system.
I’d also like to invite you to start to think about what I call the non-negotiable list. THese are qualities that MUST be in him and part of your relationship that you CANNOT live without. Once you get very clear about this list, that’s the mindset you date from. Even if 1 quality out of 10 is not met, that means you walk away. That’s how important the non negotiables are.
For example…I CANNOT live without romance. My soul will not survive that. I CANNOT live without animals. Dogs and animals are sooo important in my life, so any guy who wants in, has to love animals as well. I CANNOT live without deep diving into the psyche. I have very high emotional intelligence, so any guy who will work with me, also needs to have high emotional intelligence. I will not respect, nor enjoy a guy who doesn’t know or who hasn’t traveled into the depths of his pain, sorrows, fears, beliefs etc. That kind of guy will never work for me. Does the non-negotiable list make sense?? I don’t want to overload you with all you are doing right now though. You are doing some great work!
Heidi
Merry Christmas Katerina!
Thank you for sharing more of your questions and confusion. They are all great!!! Let’s see if we can go through them step by step and help bring clarity for your next best steps.
The first thing I’d like to invite you to think about, is taking responsibility for all that you feel, instead of blaming him for how you feel.
But I thought I had every right to be mad at him for the way he treated me, he was never committed and never counted me in his life. As for my jealousy, he gave me reasons to be jealous. Jealousy comes from insecurity and low self-esteem. Nagging is about feeling not heard and cared about. I know he has behaved in certain ways to activate these things in you. There are 2 things to think about….first, you are CHOOSING to stay involved with someone who is activating these feelings in you. It is not his fault that you are still saying yes to being in a relationship with him even when he treats you that way. Second, everyone responds to situations differently, because of the energy, wounds, traumas etc. that we carry in our lives. So one person may not respond at all with jealousy in a situation and yet you do. What’s the difference?? It’s the beliefs, thoughts, stories we each carry inside…most of it living in the subconscious. So…as your jealousy gets activated, your system is telling you “Hey! I’m jealous and feeling insecure, unloved, not cared about and not supported.” All those feelings are meant for you to look at and ask “Where are you coming from? Who taught you these things? Where did you learn that you are not valuable?” Your feelings of nagging and jealousy are letting you know what lives deep inside of you from all your life experiences and what needs and wants to be healed and released.
Ultimately Katerina, it is YOUR responsibility to love and care for yourself and meet your own needs, not his. For example, I recently had a conversation with my ex that ended up in an argument. He said some pretty mean things. The hurt that it activated inside of me, I dealt with on my own as I know he is not in a place right now to work through anything with me. When I followed the hurt I was feeling, I connected it to the core of something my dad used to say to me as a kid. So I released and healed all my hurt, by myself and have made a very conscious choice that he does not get to be in my life anymore. No more hurt, no guy being unkind and I’m all good and very clear! As hard as it was to come to that decision (we have always been strongly connected to each other), I chose myself over connecting with him. It is ALWAYS our choice to participate or not participate in how someone decides to treat us. None of us have any control over what someone does, who they are or the choices we make, but we do have control in how we respond to it. One of my favorite quotes is by Wayne Dyer: “Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love and send that out to the world. How others respond is THEIR path and how I respond is mine.” How he treats you and responds to you has nothing to do with you. It’s about his stories, limitations, fears, wounds, hurt etc. that he carries inside of himself. Those things are not for you to fix, change or deal with…those are for him to deal with, or not deal with. No matter who he is in relationship with, committed or not committed, he will treat every woman the same until he faces all that heavy baggage he carries. Does this make sense what I am getting at???
So you think I was wrong to hang up on him, I was disrespectful, that this reaction of mine was the game changer, our breakup was my fault? It’s not about “fault” here. It’s about learning how to effectively communicate and resolve conflict. Hanging up on him is not a way to resolve anything. Did that cause the breakup? Heck no. What caused the breakup were millions of other moments that have added up and led to this last moment. Your relationship was not healthy and eventually it reached it’s breaking point. BOTH of you participated in that…so instead of blaming, what you can do is look at what you did to contribute to the stress, challenge and breakdown of the relationship. You can also look at what he did as well, but again…you can’t really do anything about it because that’s HIS side of the equation.
And how can I show him that “I’m working on becoming a better teammate with him and that I want to learn new ways to communicate? FIrst, it’s not about showing him anything. You need to become that person first before you show him anything. Then the next time you communicate, he will automatically FEEL how different you are vs. you just saying some words to get him back. You will be surprised how just you working on yourself, learning more and shifting your mindset, can impact him without ever talking to him. I have seen it over and over and over where 1 person shifts and then out of the blue, the other person reaches out and there is an opportunity for growth together.
But doesn’t he have to work too? Actually, no…he doesn’t. He doesn’t have to do a darn thing. He gets to be whoever he wants to be. He gets to not care. He gets to run from his pain. He gets to be lazy and not do any work on himself. If you want to choose to still be in a relationship with someone like that, you get to do that too. Will it work out and ever be a healthy relationship?
No. But you still get to choose to have the kind of experience. Make sense?Are we concluding that I will initiate with the hero instinct text “I need your help”? It’s up to you. You know who he is. He is not going to change. He is not going to commit – and even if he did, it wouldn’t change that he is just not an emotionally available man. So if you can fully accept that about him and know that you are going to get triggered A LOT with him, then send him the text. If you want to fight for something different in your life and fight for more, then it’s time to say goodbye to him.
I know I’ve said a lot. I hope this helps! Looking forward to your response.
Heidi
Hi Jodie,
That all sounds fantastic!!! I love that you are doing this. Those are all wonderful qualities! Don’t forget to also include things like nutrition, how you guys exercise together, what your spiritual beliefs/practices are etc. I know that it’s possible for a vegan to live with a meat eater, but what doesn’t work is someone who deeply cares about how they take care of their body living with someone who doesn’t. It’s helpful to really be as like-minded as possible in the core areas of our lives….physical (exercise, nutrition, massages etc.), mental/emotional (how you deal with stress, daily practices, having a support team etc.), spiritual (views, practices, support etc.). What about family? I don’t know your age, but do you want children? What about income? What level of income would you like to have to be able to support the kind of life you want to live?
I’m sure you are getting to all of that as you are still creating. I just wanted to throw some things out there to keep the creative juices flowing!
Hopefully your holidays are treating you really well!!!
Heidi
Hey there!!!
Christmas has arrived….feels so fast, right? I just wanted to say that even though your day is almost over by the time I’m writing this, I hope that it was filled with a lot of love, connection and smiles. I hope you were able to spend it with your family. We’d love to hear how you are doing whenever you get a chance. Any plans for NYE? I know it’s so weird to even ask that considering all the shut downs.
Anyways….know that you are missed 🙂
Heidi
Merry Christmas Rhonda!!! I know you are not where you want to be right now, but I hope that regardless, you are filled with peace, love and connection. What are your plans???
I’m glad to hear your profile is working! How fun that a young chap thought you were a beautiful woman. Feels good, doesn’t it???
Have you ever tried Hinge? If not, here’s the website – https://www.hingelabs.co/ A friend of mine has been trying it out and it’s a platform for people who are more interested in a serious experience. She has met some great guys.Anyways…sending you tons of good vibes for your Christmas!!!
Heidi
Merry Christmas to you as well!
I know the feeling! I have been alone on Christmas many times for various reasons. It’s a weird feeling and definitely has a flavor of depression to it. And then of course the pandemic and all the effects of it combined with this breakup sure magnifies everything.
I’m so glad you have some friends to spend it with though. It sounds like you are truly loved by some people. Soak in all that love, connection and support. It’s a wonderful message for you that you matter to this world.
I’m glad you are going to connect more with yourself and you are realizing a pattern that has been at play in your life for a very long time. You are waking up to yourself and that means you are now being more empowered to make changes in your life to support your heart’s desire.
I’m curious…what book were you sent? I just looked up what singles swag is. What a fabulous idea!!!!Heidi
Hi Eva,
This is a great question!
I’m wondering….what is keeping you tied to him? You don’t necessarily need to block him. You can just stop engaging with him until you feel completely indifferent about him. You say you have been friends for ages, but that is not a reason to continue staying friends. Your relationship has changed and is no longer serving you. It’s okay to disconnect completely. He is not being a good friend. If it were someone else you didn’t have romantic feelings for, would you continue to stay connected to this person?
You stay strong in your choices by aligning EVERY SINGLE CHOICE in the same direction. If you have disconnected from him and want to move on, yet still occasionally reach out, you are not fully aligned and there is still a “weak link” that can be broken for you to fall into old patterns. What’s most important is that you decide EXACTLY what you want and then 100% of your actions and decisions align with that.
If you are not completely over him and you want to be, then stop responding to him. No contact, no nothing until you feel completely resolved and indifferent. When I am working on getting over a guy, the test I use is imagining that I run into them with another girl. If I have any kind of reaction to that like hurt or jealousy, I still need more time and have more work to do. If I feel completely okay and indifferent, then I have completed the circle and I am complete. At that point, it can be safe to create some kind of friendship, but still tread carefully and stay fully connected to yourself. It’s absolutely possible to get pulled back in again over time.
Does this help?
Heidi
