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Oh good! I’m glad to hear you are going to get a chance to get out of there! You are going to be soooooo happy!!! Your trip sounds lovely. Is it official then? Do you have the plan ticket and everything?
It sounds like Russell is putting in some great effort. Do you like him? You seem kind of blah about him.
Give Hinge a try. It’s kind of fun. They ask everyone different questions that are really fun. Let me know what you think!
Heidi
Hi Jodie,
We will ALL always have a lot of work to do on ourselves, right? It’s a forever path of growth and learning, forgiving and releasing. A long time ago, I used to think that I was really strong and healthy emotionally because not much affected me. My mom, who is the most amazing therapist I know, said to to me…”Honey…you are numb. That is not strength. Feeling is what takes strength.” I realized that a healthy person is still going to get triggered but they are able to get back up onto their feet quickly. A healthy person has a very low pain tolerance. I used to pride myself on how much pain I could take…lol! Now…whenever pain comes from someone’s dysfunction, I immediately am either talking about it and working through it with them or I’m out. No more keeping my mouth shut and dealing with everything internally. I’m sharing this with you so you have a clearer picture of the path you are on. Becoming healthier means you love your more, therefore you fight for yourself on all levels and you do not tolerate being mistreated…ever. Becoming healthier means that when you do get hurt, it won’t take forever to release the hurt. The more baggage you carry, the easier it is to get triggered and the more work it takes to get over the trigger. THe less baggage, the quicker the healing. Does this make sense?
You are doing such a great job of honoring yourself. You are going to slip many times, but that’s normal and okay. You refocus and get back on track and that’s what we are here to help you do, if need be. You are not alone in this. You CAN create the kind of love, the kind of love, the kind of experiences you want to have. You have everything you need within you to do that….it’s just a matter of fighting for it and activating it and saying no to anything less than that.
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Just thinking about you and the holidays and sending you tons of good vibes! My hope is that you are feeling well loved and cared about somehow.
Heidi
Hi Jodie,
Of course you cried! That was hard what you did and his response was quite disappointing, right? You want him to fight for you! You deserve to be fought for and he just isn’t stepping up to the plate in that way. For whatever reason, he has something blocking him. Regardless, it’s not about you. It’s about whatever lives in him. His limitations are hurtful for you, so yes…it doesn’t serve you well emotionally. All of our limitations cause hurt towards others, but what makes them sealable are when 2 people work through them together. Otherwise, there is not much of a “relationship” there.
The hurt and the loss of him will come in layers. What’s important is for you to reset your mind. When you have thoughts or daydream about him, keep stopping yourself and telling yourself “it’s over.” Eventually you will get it on levels of your system.
I’d also like to invite you to start to think about what I call the non-negotiable list. THese are qualities that MUST be in him and part of your relationship that you CANNOT live without. Once you get very clear about this list, that’s the mindset you date from. Even if 1 quality out of 10 is not met, that means you walk away. That’s how important the non negotiables are.
For example…I CANNOT live without romance. My soul will not survive that. I CANNOT live without animals. Dogs and animals are sooo important in my life, so any guy who wants in, has to love animals as well. I CANNOT live without deep diving into the psyche. I have very high emotional intelligence, so any guy who will work with me, also needs to have high emotional intelligence. I will not respect, nor enjoy a guy who doesn’t know or who hasn’t traveled into the depths of his pain, sorrows, fears, beliefs etc. That kind of guy will never work for me. Does the non-negotiable list make sense?? I don’t want to overload you with all you are doing right now though. You are doing some great work!
Heidi
Merry Christmas Katerina!
Thank you for sharing more of your questions and confusion. They are all great!!! Let’s see if we can go through them step by step and help bring clarity for your next best steps.
The first thing I’d like to invite you to think about, is taking responsibility for all that you feel, instead of blaming him for how you feel.
But I thought I had every right to be mad at him for the way he treated me, he was never committed and never counted me in his life. As for my jealousy, he gave me reasons to be jealous. Jealousy comes from insecurity and low self-esteem. Nagging is about feeling not heard and cared about. I know he has behaved in certain ways to activate these things in you. There are 2 things to think about….first, you are CHOOSING to stay involved with someone who is activating these feelings in you. It is not his fault that you are still saying yes to being in a relationship with him even when he treats you that way. Second, everyone responds to situations differently, because of the energy, wounds, traumas etc. that we carry in our lives. So one person may not respond at all with jealousy in a situation and yet you do. What’s the difference?? It’s the beliefs, thoughts, stories we each carry inside…most of it living in the subconscious. So…as your jealousy gets activated, your system is telling you “Hey! I’m jealous and feeling insecure, unloved, not cared about and not supported.” All those feelings are meant for you to look at and ask “Where are you coming from? Who taught you these things? Where did you learn that you are not valuable?” Your feelings of nagging and jealousy are letting you know what lives deep inside of you from all your life experiences and what needs and wants to be healed and released.
Ultimately Katerina, it is YOUR responsibility to love and care for yourself and meet your own needs, not his. For example, I recently had a conversation with my ex that ended up in an argument. He said some pretty mean things. The hurt that it activated inside of me, I dealt with on my own as I know he is not in a place right now to work through anything with me. When I followed the hurt I was feeling, I connected it to the core of something my dad used to say to me as a kid. So I released and healed all my hurt, by myself and have made a very conscious choice that he does not get to be in my life anymore. No more hurt, no guy being unkind and I’m all good and very clear! As hard as it was to come to that decision (we have always been strongly connected to each other), I chose myself over connecting with him. It is ALWAYS our choice to participate or not participate in how someone decides to treat us. None of us have any control over what someone does, who they are or the choices we make, but we do have control in how we respond to it. One of my favorite quotes is by Wayne Dyer: “Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love and send that out to the world. How others respond is THEIR path and how I respond is mine.” How he treats you and responds to you has nothing to do with you. It’s about his stories, limitations, fears, wounds, hurt etc. that he carries inside of himself. Those things are not for you to fix, change or deal with…those are for him to deal with, or not deal with. No matter who he is in relationship with, committed or not committed, he will treat every woman the same until he faces all that heavy baggage he carries. Does this make sense what I am getting at???
So you think I was wrong to hang up on him, I was disrespectful, that this reaction of mine was the game changer, our breakup was my fault? It’s not about “fault” here. It’s about learning how to effectively communicate and resolve conflict. Hanging up on him is not a way to resolve anything. Did that cause the breakup? Heck no. What caused the breakup were millions of other moments that have added up and led to this last moment. Your relationship was not healthy and eventually it reached it’s breaking point. BOTH of you participated in that…so instead of blaming, what you can do is look at what you did to contribute to the stress, challenge and breakdown of the relationship. You can also look at what he did as well, but again…you can’t really do anything about it because that’s HIS side of the equation.
And how can I show him that “I’m working on becoming a better teammate with him and that I want to learn new ways to communicate? FIrst, it’s not about showing him anything. You need to become that person first before you show him anything. Then the next time you communicate, he will automatically FEEL how different you are vs. you just saying some words to get him back. You will be surprised how just you working on yourself, learning more and shifting your mindset, can impact him without ever talking to him. I have seen it over and over and over where 1 person shifts and then out of the blue, the other person reaches out and there is an opportunity for growth together.
But doesn’t he have to work too? Actually, no…he doesn’t. He doesn’t have to do a darn thing. He gets to be whoever he wants to be. He gets to not care. He gets to run from his pain. He gets to be lazy and not do any work on himself. If you want to choose to still be in a relationship with someone like that, you get to do that too. Will it work out and ever be a healthy relationship?
No. But you still get to choose to have the kind of experience. Make sense?Are we concluding that I will initiate with the hero instinct text “I need your help”? It’s up to you. You know who he is. He is not going to change. He is not going to commit – and even if he did, it wouldn’t change that he is just not an emotionally available man. So if you can fully accept that about him and know that you are going to get triggered A LOT with him, then send him the text. If you want to fight for something different in your life and fight for more, then it’s time to say goodbye to him.
I know I’ve said a lot. I hope this helps! Looking forward to your response.
Heidi
Hi Jodie,
That all sounds fantastic!!! I love that you are doing this. Those are all wonderful qualities! Don’t forget to also include things like nutrition, how you guys exercise together, what your spiritual beliefs/practices are etc. I know that it’s possible for a vegan to live with a meat eater, but what doesn’t work is someone who deeply cares about how they take care of their body living with someone who doesn’t. It’s helpful to really be as like-minded as possible in the core areas of our lives….physical (exercise, nutrition, massages etc.), mental/emotional (how you deal with stress, daily practices, having a support team etc.), spiritual (views, practices, support etc.). What about family? I don’t know your age, but do you want children? What about income? What level of income would you like to have to be able to support the kind of life you want to live?
I’m sure you are getting to all of that as you are still creating. I just wanted to throw some things out there to keep the creative juices flowing!
Hopefully your holidays are treating you really well!!!
Heidi
Hey there!!!
Christmas has arrived….feels so fast, right? I just wanted to say that even though your day is almost over by the time I’m writing this, I hope that it was filled with a lot of love, connection and smiles. I hope you were able to spend it with your family. We’d love to hear how you are doing whenever you get a chance. Any plans for NYE? I know it’s so weird to even ask that considering all the shut downs.
Anyways….know that you are missed 🙂
Heidi
Merry Christmas Rhonda!!! I know you are not where you want to be right now, but I hope that regardless, you are filled with peace, love and connection. What are your plans???
I’m glad to hear your profile is working! How fun that a young chap thought you were a beautiful woman. Feels good, doesn’t it???
Have you ever tried Hinge? If not, here’s the website – https://www.hingelabs.co/ A friend of mine has been trying it out and it’s a platform for people who are more interested in a serious experience. She has met some great guys.Anyways…sending you tons of good vibes for your Christmas!!!
Heidi
Merry Christmas to you as well!
I know the feeling! I have been alone on Christmas many times for various reasons. It’s a weird feeling and definitely has a flavor of depression to it. And then of course the pandemic and all the effects of it combined with this breakup sure magnifies everything.
I’m so glad you have some friends to spend it with though. It sounds like you are truly loved by some people. Soak in all that love, connection and support. It’s a wonderful message for you that you matter to this world.
I’m glad you are going to connect more with yourself and you are realizing a pattern that has been at play in your life for a very long time. You are waking up to yourself and that means you are now being more empowered to make changes in your life to support your heart’s desire.
I’m curious…what book were you sent? I just looked up what singles swag is. What a fabulous idea!!!!Heidi
Hi Eva,
This is a great question!
I’m wondering….what is keeping you tied to him? You don’t necessarily need to block him. You can just stop engaging with him until you feel completely indifferent about him. You say you have been friends for ages, but that is not a reason to continue staying friends. Your relationship has changed and is no longer serving you. It’s okay to disconnect completely. He is not being a good friend. If it were someone else you didn’t have romantic feelings for, would you continue to stay connected to this person?
You stay strong in your choices by aligning EVERY SINGLE CHOICE in the same direction. If you have disconnected from him and want to move on, yet still occasionally reach out, you are not fully aligned and there is still a “weak link” that can be broken for you to fall into old patterns. What’s most important is that you decide EXACTLY what you want and then 100% of your actions and decisions align with that.
If you are not completely over him and you want to be, then stop responding to him. No contact, no nothing until you feel completely resolved and indifferent. When I am working on getting over a guy, the test I use is imagining that I run into them with another girl. If I have any kind of reaction to that like hurt or jealousy, I still need more time and have more work to do. If I feel completely okay and indifferent, then I have completed the circle and I am complete. At that point, it can be safe to create some kind of friendship, but still tread carefully and stay fully connected to yourself. It’s absolutely possible to get pulled back in again over time.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
The very last statement you made about sums it up. Your nervous system, your limbic system, all your systems are functioning at such high levels to deal with your life, that anything peaceful and easy would feel “boring” to you. There has been quite a bit of research on this topic actually. If someone is so used to a certain level of stress, when something easy or peaceful comes around, the nervous system was found to go into a “depressive” state. Interesting, right??
With all you have been through, of course you would continue to attach to a man who wasn’t available for you. I guarantee you would most likely sabotage a relationship with a guy who gave you everything you wanted. I have seen people do that a million times!!! My coach once said “The number one reason people don’t get better, is they start to get what they want, but their system is not set up to be happy.”
Your heart is NOT what is holding onto this guy…it’s wounded, sad, hurt little girl energy that is wanting to hold onto him for dear life and ignore how he is treating you. Of course there are some great things about him too, but it’s just not enough. So you can either put your adult self in the driver’s seat, put your little girl energy in the back seat and let her know that she will be okay and you will love her and take care of her through this loss….or you let her drive and continue to expose yourself to hurt and dysfunction. It’s really that simple, but VERY FAR from being anything easy to do. So it really about your pain tolerance. If you are sick and tired of hurting, then you know what to do. If you are willing to step back onto the rollercoaster, you get to do that too! God knows, I’ve done that a million times…and I learn my lesson each time. You are the only one who knows when you are done.
Heidi
Well done Rose!!! That’s fabulous that you found a way to communicate how you feel without putting him on the defensive!!! This is such a HUGE game changer in relationships. No, it doesn’t fix everything, but it sure supports much more healthy interactions. That must have felt really good for both of you!
I know that only time will tell, but take it day by day. Each day will bring you the information you need. I am always asking for the truth, so in my mind, I say “show me the truth about this situation…or this person…or myself. I ALWAYS get something that comes across my path, sometimes painful, sometimes amazing that helps me know the direction I need to head in. Stay open and listen and watch all the things that come across your path and you will be guided on a path that will serve you well.
Heidi
It depends. Do you want to continue a relationship with him? Or are you ready to let go of him and how you guys interact with each other?
Heidi
Shoot! I am just now seeing your reply after I responded to the other thread you started. I thought your situation felt really familiar and now I know why…lol. Go ahead and respond to the other thread and we can keep continuing on that one.
As to your last question, what kinds of things bring pleasure and laughter into your life? For me, I spend a lot of time with dogs, walks, hiking, super yummy meals, fresh flowers ALWAYS in my house, I go drive around and look at xmas lights, I find ways to help people, I make cookies and pass them out. Maybe some of these things will give you ideas.
I cannot answer for you whether this guy is “the one” or not. What I can tell you is that when you “love” someone, YOU need to be included in the situation. So I would ask you, is it loving yourself to stay connected and give your heart to a guy who doesn’t seem very committed to you? Is it loving yourself to chase after a guy who hasn’t contacted you for 6 months? Is it loving yourself to be in a relationship where there is a lot of fighting, uncertainty and ups and downs? I know there are a TON of good things as well. Studies have shown over and over and over again that a healthy relationship is based on how people treat each other in their worst moments, not their best moments. So whenever I gauge whether a relationship is loving for me and for him, I base it off of how we treat each other in our worst moments. Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Remember, reply to this in the other thread you started!
Heidi
I’m excited for you Jodie! 2021 is a great way to start fresh and new, letting go of what doesn’t serve you for your highest and best good. I know soooooooo many people that feel very ready to shed the junk of 2020, so you will be part of the collective really releasing the baggage.
Please share some of the things you want to put on your vision board!!!
Heidi
