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Hi Helen,
Welcome! I’m sorry we missed the other post! Thank you for re-posting and bringing this to our attention.
There are a lot of dynamics happening in your situation, so let’s see if we can sift through all of them and get to the core root of things.
Here are some questions I want to start with. It seems like you are a bit confused about what you actually want with him. You say that you didn’t want anything serious with him, but all of your reactions, even you coming here and asking for advice, would suggest something different. I have had MANY experiences in my life where I actually didn’t have strong feelings for a guy but then I would watch myself reach out, initiate, flirt and take action to bring him closer to me….even though I didn’t FEEL that way. My actions and feelings were not aligned and that is something to REALLY pay attention to and explore. If you truly didn’t want much from him and just wanted to be casual and truly just wanted to be his friend and felt 100% aligned with that, you wouldn’t spend much time thinking about it or even asking for advice about it. You would feel peaceful, complete and resolved. So let’s talk about this a little more. What is happening for you? How do you REALLY feel about him? What do you REALLY want with him? I don’t know what it is, but it feels like something inside of you feels unresolved. Is that what it feels like for you?
To directly answer your question about being friends, it’s quite simple actually. No flirting, no romance, occasional talks, occasional hangouts and that’s about it. How often you guys connect will be a rhythm you both will figure out over time. Since this guy has trouble being honest and authentic, trying to develop a friendship will be a bit of a rollercoaster ride, as he has broken trust and you don’t know when you can believe what he is saying. So as you guys step into a new design of friendship only, it’ll take some time to figure each other out and to find the sweet spot that works well for both of you. Does this make sense? Is this helpful at all?
Heidi
Well done!
I want to suggest a book: https://www.amazon.com/Wild-Womans-Way-Potential-Fulfillment/dp/1501179888/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1603279965&sr=8-1
This is my top favorite book for women. I also love this book, because she offers several, very practical and easy techniques to move emotions and ways to deal with stress. Check out her website and maybe you will respond to a method she created called “non-linear movement.”
is that i don’t want to have to go through this phase again, at least not for him.. If i have to, at the least, it would be for another relationship. I would be even more bold and say “I will not go through this again.” Not that you won’t face challenges again, but that you will handle them very differently next time. You will honor and listen to yourself much sooner. You will have a lot more self-esteem and self-love which will cause you to respond with much more compassion and care for yourself. You will stay so much more connected to yourself and not exclude yourself from the equation of connection.
Enjoy your NYE, your jog, your lists of dreams and releasing.
Heidi
Sounds like there was some great movement and a really good conversation that left you both feeling pretty good about the next steps. So was it agreed to meet with a therapist? What’s the plan or next step?
This is great news! Thank you for sharing!
Heidi
Ha! 86 days eh? It’s going to fly by, I know it! So where are you citizen then? You are saying that you have to be in Canada for 7 more months to become a citizen? Am I understanding correctly? Do you have to be there for 7 months straight or can those 7 months be split up?
I hope you hear from Russell as well. Are you physically attracted to him? Where does he live? I can’t remember if you said.
Happy NYE…I hope it’s peaceful and easy for you today!
Heidi
I totally get it. Having that kind of curphew really changes so many things! We don’t have a curphew, but nothing is really open. Restaurants are open for takeout, but all the lobbies are pretty much closed. The shopping centers and stores are open, but only allowed 10% capacity. I have a friend in Florida who says everything is open. People are just wearing masks and hand sanitizing, but other than that, everything is pretty normal. So strange to have so many different countries/states respond to this so differently and then of course, everyone individually has their own personal response to the whole thing. It is going to take a while for things to shift back to any kind of new normal.
Your almost neighbor guy that you’ve been talking to for a long time…you have never met in person?? It sounds like there are a couple of guys to keep you entertained for just a bit, but I get it…with how Covid has shut everything down, it changes the dating scene sooooooo much.
Enjoy your very peaceful and mellow NYE today!
Heidi
Hi Katerina,
I’m going to suggest a bit of a different approach than Kanya. Either path will bring you a lot of information. Either path will also bring you a lot of hurt. If you release him, it’s going to hurt like crazy. If you step back into a relationship with him, of any kind, you are just going to continue to get triggered and hurt again, as he is not the person you need him to be for you to feel good about your relationship with him. Neither path is right or wrong, good or bad. Each path is just an opportunity to learn.
I don’t know how HE made that decision so fast. I don’t believe he made this decision so fast. I believe he has probably felt this way for a long time and he finally hit the point where he needed to say it. He finally hit the point where he was not willing to participate in the same design of relationship anymore. Which, in a way, is a good thing. Your relationship was not healthy.
I want to suggest that you start re-building your friendships and your relationship with yourself FIRST, before trying to get him back.
Now I do want to fight for something different in my life and fight for more in a relationship, If this is what you want, you start to make different decisions in how you live your life. You don’t know how? Well, you wanting to choose him over your friends and choose him over yourself by wanting to focus all your attentions on him before you do anything else….well that’s taking you back into your old patterns again. You are making him the top priority in your life…a guy who doesn’t want to commit to you, a guy who quit, a guy who doesn’t fight for you. If you want different results, you need to do what you have never done before…choose yourself over him. Choose people in your life who truly value you, respect you, love you, support you and nurture the relationship in a healthy way. But to start, you have to treat yourself that way first and foremost. NOTHING will change if you don’t shift how you treat yourself.
but I don’t know how and I have zero hopes of finding a new guy. I think it’s quite impossible considering my way of life. Nothing is impossible. Audreay Hepburn said, “Nothing is impossible. THe very word itself says I’m possible.” Another quote I like is, “I didn’t fail a thousand times, the light bulb was an invention with a thousand steps” by Thomas Edison. You have to FIGHT for what you want. You have to make choices that align with what you want. Your world, your life is a reflection of the choices you make. If you don’t like it, then it’s time to re-create yourself out of them and then…your whole life will change. Different people, different jobs, different experiences.
Here is a book that is really great in teaching you how to connect to yourself.
As far as your friends…if you want to repair, you call them up and ask to talk. You acknowledge your choices, you apologize, you ask what you can do to repair the friendship and you create the space for them to share their hurt and feelings with you. If they decide to be friends again, you SHOW them they are valuable and important to you through your actions. You initiate conversations, activities and you build the trust back up again over time.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Donna,
Oooooh how did it go??? What did you say? How did he respond? Where are you guys now and have you come to any agreements? I’m sorry we didn’t get back with you right away! Please update us and let us know what happened.
Heidi
Hi Rocio,
Welcome! I know how hard it is to feel love for someone who behaves like a child many times. It’s a struggle for sure!!!
Let’s talk about this first: “I love this man but he needs to grow up. He is 35.” The truth is, he doesn’t have to do anything. He has the right to be and do as he pleases. He also deserves to be loved for exactly who he is and it doesn’t sound like you are that person to offer him that. You may feel you love him, but it isn’t loving to want him to change who he is. It is loving to accept him for who he is, immature and childish, but love yourself more and simply accept that he isn’t able to offer what you need. It’s not a right or wrong, bad or good thing…it is just what is true. If he is not able to honor, accept and support your boundaries, then you either get to shift your boundaries and keep trying to figure out how to make your relationship work (with him being EXACTLY who he is) or you remain with your boundaries and say goodbye to him. Just remember though, it is NOT true love when you are not able to love the person for who they and when you are not able to love and care for yourself while love them. True love is acceptance. True love is also making love of self more important than love of another. Does this make sense?
Again, there is no right or wrong path here. Only you know what choices and what path you are willing to take right now. And at any point, you might switch paths. What do you feel like you want to do at this point in time?
Heidi
That is a great poem. It explains what it can really feel like trying to save your own life and what can show up against that choice. It takes GREAT courage to do what you are doing. You are facing a fear and there is NOTHING easy about that. Yet, as you move further and further away from the choices that were slowly stealing your joy and claiming that back, you will become stronger for it. Next time you have to face a fear, you will be able to step into it faster and then even faster the next time. The more you do it, the easier it becomes, in the sense that you are more interested of being on the other side of fear than living in it and you KNOW you can master it, because you have done it so many times. You setting the precedence right now by your choices and strengthening your well being, your self-esteem and your connection to yourself. No guy, no person, no thing could ever give you what you are giving to yourself right now.
How are you feeling these past couple of days? Maybe plan on doing some type of ceremony for the new year. Something like writing down all that you want to release and let go of and burn it. Then write everything you want to create and experience for 2021 and put it somewhere where you can see it. Just an idea.
Heidi
I know what you mean. There is something about having mom around for Christmas. I have had a handful without her and it just isn’t the same. I feel the same about my birthday as well….lol. My Christmas was suuuper peaceful and easy. Hung out with my mom and watched movies, went to the dog park, went on a walk and had soup….lol. Pretty simple…just the way we like it. No plans for NYE.
Wow…8pm curphew. I know soooo many people that are ready to be rid of 2020 and start everything fresh and new. This next year will be very interesting for sure!
Are you still staying active somehow?? Dating at all?
Heidi
I wonder if connecting and talking a lot is the actual trigger for him to be silent for a bit to recover. That sounds characteristic of an avoidant attachment style. Too much talking, too many words, too much connection causes them to retreat for a bit. Have you noticed this to be a pattern of his? Where he retreats the day after a lot of connection?
Here is a really great podcast on attachment styles that might be helpful for you: There are A LOT of great tips about how to deal with the different attachment styles.
I will reach out and send you the info. of my coach.
Heidi
Oh bummer! I’m sorry your trip has been delayed AGAIN!!! Sheesh! I’m glad to hear that there are 3 possible projects opening up for you though…and you would get to work from Calgary! Woooohooo! That’s your official home, correct?
I’m glad Russell is a Christian. I know how important that is to you. Time will tell!
I also found this other app recently. I don’t know much about it, but thought I’d share anyway. https://www.theleague.com/
Heidi
Hi Tera,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your situation with us and for support for yourself! It’s quite a complicated situation you are in. Addiction is VERY tricky for sure!
I don’t have an exact answer for you, as support looks different for each person and each situation. I think the most important aspect that is going to help you both through this together, is to have very good communication. He has no idea what he is going to need, as he never been through this phase before (I think). So he needs to be telling you the very best ways to support him. Also, when a situation arises, just asking him…how can I best support you right now? it’s going to be a day to day journey and sometimes…it will be a minute to minute kind of thing.
Like you said, your job is to care for yourself, first and foremost. That’s difficult in an of itself, because you will very naturally want to help him over yourself. It’s sooooo natural for women to overextend themselves trying to help the ones they love…so you have a lot to learn about keeping your own balance for yourself, even if it means saying no to him.
You also want to face your fears. Your fear: “I’m concerned that he may not always want to ask for the help when he needs it” is valid and will probably happen….many times. There is a lot he will learn about himself through this path. He will learn what he can actually handle on his own and when he truly needs to ask for help…and he most likely will learn these lines through trial and error. It’s a normal part of the path. That’s what his therapist is for! Your job is to make sure you are dealing with your own fears about him, making sure you have healthy boundaries for yourself and just appreciating and loving each day with him and not getting overly focused on the future. Always remind him of his greatness, his strength, what you find is attractive to you about him, why he is valuable in his life. Make sure you appreciate him a lot, ask for his help with things (even though you might not need it) and trust he will figure this out, one way or another. Send him articles, videos etc. of things that might make him laugh and make sure you guys do a lot of things that are pleasurable and bonding….like playing games, making things together, volunteering together somewhere, saving money together to take a vacation etc.
Does this help?
Heidi
