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It sounds like there is still a lot to learn about him though. It sounds like you have him up on a bit of a pedastal. Yes? You say you look up to him. What does that mean? You say you see him as a great guy to have deep relationship with, but what makes you think that? At this point, you have a very limited picture of who he really is, so that’s a pretty big statement to make considering you haven’t spend much time with him.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Wow…what a story and what a challenge you are facing! I love how much you guys really are able to connect and care for each other! It sounds like the good stuff is pretty wonderful! I’m so sorry that his coping mechanism of shutting down is ending this relationship. I always tell people, you choose who you want to let into your life based on their WORST and NOT their best. Our worst sides will make or break a relationship – regardless of how amazing everything else is. This has been studied over and over and over again. Just like you are experiencing, no matter how amazing things are, his worst side – that side of him that will run instead of face his problems, his fears and his hurts – is what is ruining and sabotaging the relationship. The thing is, this is his coping mechanism. My guess is, he is completely okay with never getting married. He knows he runs, so it’s much easier to do it unattached. He will be like this for the rest of his life. I know you would do ANYTHING for this guy, but that’s a bit of a red flag. If you are willing to do anything to keep him, that makes me wonder where your limits and boundaries are for yourself. If you are willing to choose connection with a man who isn’t willing to work through his stuff and who needs to run and disconnect every time something gets hard…if you want that over loving yourself and caring enough about yourself and how that affects you…then you are making him more important than yourself – and that also is what will break a relationship. It’s just something you may want to think about and consider.
Now…in regards to getting him back, let’s talk some strategy here. It sounds like it’s a common pattern of his to run away for a while and eventually he returns. So this time it may take longer, but eventually, avoidants do end up connecting again. My guess is, the stress of his mom’s health is also contributing to the intensity of his reaction. Check out this website: https://dianepooleheller.com/ She has one of the most helpful and comprehensive classes on attachment styles and how to work with them, that I have ever seen. This may really benefit you as you continue to connect with him and learn different ways to confront him. He is still going to run, regardless of what you do because at this point, he isn’t doing anything to change how he handles stuff, but you may be able to find ways to bring him back in a lot sooner. It’s quite the dance and always going to be a lot of work.
I love that you did a photo shoot for him!!! That is soooo amazing and such a beautiful gift. I hope that eventually, he will truly be able to appreciate the vulnerability you showed him.
For now, keep giving him space and work on yourself to get back connected to the truth of who you are and the truth that you are going to be okay. Your anxious style of attachment means you need to work really hard to feel grounded and safe within yourself, even when your partner is not connecting. It’s about you knowing you are safe and okay, even if he isn’t connecting. When you can rejoin yourself with that truth, it changes the entire energy of the relationship and can bring you guys back together much sooner than later. Don’t underestimate the power you have to shift the energy of a situation, even if you guys aren’t talking. So let’s talk strategy about how you can help yourself for right now. What can you do in the next 5 days to really love yourself, comfort yourself and feel okay about being disconnected for the moment?
Heidi
Hi Lili!
I LOVE that you feel that you are growing from all of this. Personally, I believe that makes you powerful. You are taking this situation and using it to serve you instead of letting the situation ruin you. Well done!
And yes, this seems to be the max he has reached in the past, just caring about someone, its important for him to mention, to do. Somehow, at the same time, he seems to really hurt the same people. He wants to be a nice guy though weirdly. This is just called a split. I talked about it before and I totally get it, because I was the same way. I had sooooooo many parts of me that wanted opposite things. I wanted to deeply love and connect, yet I would sabotage every connection. I wanted to be understood and seen, yet I wouldn’t share my inner desires. Your guy absolutely has the desire to connect deeply. The older he gets, the stronger that desire will most likely grow in him. However, he has a whole set of fears that he has lived with for so long and that have designed his romantic life for decades. Those fears are what cause the split. Like I said before, they end up taking turns in the drivers seat of his life. We all tend to have splits of some sort. People want to be healthy, yet they eat pizza and drink wine every night. People want to be wealthy, yet they spend money on frivolous things. People want to be in love, yet they don’t learn how to communicate or they cheat. There are a MILLION scenarios of people having 2 sides of themselves – 1 side that is what they deeply want and 1 side that works against that. It’s fascinating really and THE BIGGEST problem that people deal with. It’s so confusing for most people, understandably. That’s where understand the subconscious and learning how to navigate that vast and very powerful part of ourselves is necessary.
It just baffles me he would be so so afraid of deep commitment, because his parents are still married and must have been for at least 60 years.. makes no sense to me! I mean if he was a divorce child or something, I would understand it better.. You’re assuming that his parents have a good marriage. Just because they aren’t divorced, doesn’t mean they love each other well. He can still feel abandoned, have a lack of respect towards women, not feel emotionally safe all because of their parenting style. You are seeing the result of whatever it is that they and others have taught him, so them being married is truly a moot point.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
Welcome to the forum! We are really excited to work with you and help you figure out your situation. Would you mind starting your own thread, so we are able to focus just on you? It helps us make sure that each person gets the personal attention they deserve. So if you could copy this post and create your own thread, we will respond there.
Let us know if you need any help with that.
Heidi
Hi Liza,
Geez! I totally get how the insecurities would flare up after seeing the drama with other women. It sounds like maybe your feelings for him were stronger than maybe you realized and possibly stronger than how he felt about you. I’m wondering if he considered you guys more like a friends with benefits kind of situation. Communication is soooooo darn important and maybe you guys just missed the boat on this one a bit.
Regardless, your insecurities came up and that is something to work with. We ALL have insecurities and always will. It’s just part of life. I tell people that being an emotionally healthy person doesn’t mean you don’t get triggered. It does not mean you don’t feel insecure or that you won’t have low self-esteem. Being emotionally healthy means that WHEN you get triggered and your baggage comes up, you know how to deal with it, you have the skills of self-love and you are able to quickly return back to the truth of what a badass you are! I consider myself pretty internally strong and emotionally healthy. I’ve worked very hard on all of the baggage and I have released and healed a ton. AND…I absolutely still have moments of feeling rejected, feeling insecure and feeling messy. However, when those moments show up, I ask for help, I do my self love, I get connected back to the truth and I am back on my feet pretty quickly. It used to take a lot longer though!
I hope after the healing process he sees me again as a woman worth knowing The thing is, it doesn’t matter if he sees you as worth knowing. You ARE worth knowing and exploring life with regardless. The truth you need to get back connected to is that YOU feel you are worth knowing….even with all of your messiness and the insecurities that live within you. You are worth loving, you are worth having adventures with in life, you are worth loving and fighting for. Once YOU really connect to this and FEEL it in yourself, THEN the kind of guys will start to show up and support this. How you feel about yourself acts like an energetic beacon and will attract men and situations that will support how you feel about yourself. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Fung,
Let’s talk about this statement: I just think men are not very tolerant to age as I am now in my early 30s. I just worry that the older you get, the more difficult for one to get into a relationship. Where does this belief come from? It doesn’t have to be your path or story. If you start to let age determine your relationship and love path, you are letting fear sneak in determine what you do next. The truth is, every single person’s path is their own and there are ALWAYS a million things that are influencing their romantic life. To say that men don’t tolerate age is a judgment and stereotyping. Of course, that is true for MANY men, but then if you look deeper, those kinds of men have common insecurities. There are PLENTY of men who don’t give a darn about age and who are more invested in having a great connection. The kind of men you invite into your life are going to be a reflection of your own beliefs, fears, insecurities, strengths etc. The truth is, whatever you want to believe about men, you will end up attracting towards you. There is a saying I love: “Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right.” So if you want to believe men struggle with age, then you’re right. If you want to believe men are totally fine with age and it doesn’t matter, you’re right.
What EXACTLY do you want to understand about the mindset of men? Each person is so different, but there are some commonalities between how men think and behave and how women think and behave. However, I am ALWAYS encouraging people to understand the general concepts, but to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS understand each person as their unique self as well. What are you seeking to understand about men and why???
It’s very likely he has a committed relationship so he doesn’t dare to go any further. What’s your analysis on that? What’s there to really analyze about this? It’s pretty straight forward. Is there something you feel you don’t understand about his choice?
Heidi
Hi Mery,
Welcome to the forum! Hopefully we can help you find some clarity and make some important decisions for yourself and this relationship. I understand how it’s not that simple to listen to other peoples’ advice to just leave because he doesn’t deserve you. The heart is so much more layered and complicated than those super simple answers…even if it is the truth. So let’s talk about everything that is happening and see if you can find some peace.
First, I’m a little confused….I think. You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend and then he has another girlfriend? I know you found those texts, but I was unclear as to whether or not you told him what you found. He denied everything about this other girl, but did you tell him that you saw the proof on his phone?
he is a good man. except this situation he’s the whole package i Always looked for. I have no doubt he is a good man and has some wonderful things to offer you. He also cheats and he also lies about it. If you want a long term, healthy love, this 1 quality is BIG enough that it will ruin anything. I always coach people to CHOOSE who they want in their lives according to the worst parts of the person, not the best. Why? Because it’s how we function in our worst and we treat ourselves and other in our worst, that determines how strong our relationships really are. Can you imagine a friend saying to you…”I love him! He always gets me anything I thing, we laugh all the time, he is such a gentleman, he is everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy and more. The only thing is, he hits me when he gets mad. Or he cheats on me.” All the other good qualities get tainted and ruined by this kind of behavior. At the very core of your insides, you don’t feel emotionally safe with this guy. He is lying and and he is cheating. I wonder how many times he has done this in relationships. I highly doubt it’s the first time he has cheated. The thing is, it doesn’t sound like he is willing to change any of it. He keeps making excuses as to why he needs to stay connected with her for a little bit longer. And you staying in relationship with him and fighting for him, just teaches him that it’s okay what he is doing. Despite his great qualities, he ALSO is lying and cheating and the odds of him continuing this behavior are sooooo high.
So I guess this leads me to wonder….are you okay with that? Do you really expect him to stop cheating and lying? Whatever his reasons are for carrying on this way, he is messed up and NOT interested in having a deep, vulnerable, authentic connection with just 1 woman. Maybe he is more interested in having an open relationship. Is that something you are open to as well?
What is MOST important to decide right now and get VERY clear about, is whether or not you can accept his behavior and if not, what EXACTLY do you want from him? Let’s just start there and we can develop a plan from there.
Heidi
Hey there!
We haven’t heard from you in a bit, so I thought I’d check in and see how you are doing and what your thoughts were about what I said. Have you done any research on narcissism?
Heidi
It sounds like you are stuck because you are letting a bunch of confusing things keep you in this loop of confusion.
How about we just look at what is happening RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW…you guys have decided to end things. Is he trying to still connect? Is he reaching out at all? Is he initiating any kind of contact with you?
Again, whatever feelings that do exist between a couple, it needs to translate into a healthy relationship. Feelings all by themselves, are NOT enough to keep a relationship going. The relationship needs to have many things to have it be healthy. So since you are not really willing to close the door and let this go…let’s talk about the relationship again.
Why were you unhappy? Why do you believe it didn’t work? What is the story you are telling yourself every day? Why do you feel you want to keep things going? Why do you want to fight for him?
Heidi
Hi liza,
This was answered in your other thread, so we will just keep the conversation going on that one.
Holy smokes! That would be quite the gesture to purchase a place around the corner from you. So what are the plans anyway? You guys are long distance at the moment, but is that going to change soon? Do you know when?
You know I was the one who pulled back from him months ago, he just didn’t offer anything I wanted plus all the girls, in hindsight knowing his insecurities, I am starting to realise this really really freaked him out.. I’m sure you are right. There is something about you that makes him want to be a better man. This is sooooo good for him to feel!! He knows what’s possible. I’m sure he is used to feeling pretty numb around women and feeling like they can be easily discarded….but not you. Losing that feeling would be hard for him. He will do whatever he can to make the big gestures and to prove he really does care about you. That’s about all he will be able to do though. It would be easy to get sucked into the trap of thinking he has changed…and not that it wouldn’t be true on some level. But that’s the point…he will change only so much and he will make gestures he can control…like buying a place close to you. What he cannot control is where he will get stuck. He cannot control his fears of deep intimacy. If things were to get VERY REAL between you and him, all his fears would get activated and his coping mechanisms would come online. He WILL sabotage. EVERYBODY does this! You will do it too! It’s just part of the journey of a deepening relationship. As we become more bonded and deeply connected with someone, our insecurities and fears rise and take over. The goal is to have the skills, support system, education and commitment to work with all of it and face all of it. My guess is, that’s where he will get stunted. He has a TON of baggage he has never dealt with and it just keeps piling up. You will learn though. Now that you at least have some education and clarity about who he is and the kind of man you are choosing, you at least have your eyes open. He is not fooling you.
yes please i’d like to be that secure. Wouldn’t we all? It’s possible! It takes a lot of work, a lot of forgiveness and releasing old stuff and it takes commitment. The gift he has given you is to stir up your insecurities. Normally you feel secure because you feel in control of the situation. With him, you don’t. This is a GREAT time for you to really look at those insecurities, find the source and work with it. Talk to that insecure part of yourself and tell her that YOU love her. Tell her that YOU have her, will protect her and that you value everything she is feeling. Over and over and over and over again. That’s where you begin.
Heidi
Hi Liza,
What IS your relationship? You called him “friend” and said you were flirting and he also said you built an imaginary relationship in your mind. So what is the reality? Are you guys just friends who flirt sometimes? Were you guys actually dating?
I don’t know what happened with this social media thing, but Spyce is correct when she talks about it being HIS world and not yours. Why is he needing to explain anything to you? Do you have that kind of relationship? What made you feel you needed to go “snoop” and connect with one of the girls? And it also sounds like you became quite needy with the constant barrage of texting and reaching out to him.
All of these types of behaviors are highly unattractive for a man. Men LOVE women who are very independent and can feel secure in themselves WITHOUT needing to be around. Your actions are showing him the opposite which is the fastest way to push him away from you. I understand you are lonely. A TON of people are feeling that right now. The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself on your own. That way, when you DO connect with you, you won’t feel “needy” but instead you will feel more balanced and connected to yourself. He will respond to that MUCH MORE! That’s how you can build the trust back up with him. SHOW HIM that you are okay being alone. SHOW HIM that you are a woman worth knowing and having adventures with!!! Do you feel that about yourself???
Heidi
Yes jealousy, turning women against each other, clever way of keeping interest perhaps. He knows what he’s doing. The more upset and jealous you got, the more he knew you cared. Men test that with women all the time. Men love when their women become jealous (in a healthy way of course). He loves drama, so of course getting you all riled up would give him the “fix” he was looking for. He is a smart guy! It worked! Can you imagine never getting jealous though? What if you were sooooo secure in yourself and sooooo connected to how amazing you truly are, that he could give all the attention he wanted to other women and it wouldn’t phase you…because you KNOW your value? Can you imagine feeling that way?
The more he feels you pull away, I have no doubt he will pull out everything he knows how to do to keep you hooked somehow. You have an interesting road ahead of you. I’m curious to see what happens next.
heidi
It IS over Ecaterina. He doesn’t feel the way he needs to feel in order for this relationship to work. He has admitted to that in a roundabout way. This ending hasn’t occurred because something went “wrong.” Nothing went wrong. It just didn’t work and he is willing to accept that. You keep telling yourself it’s over until you DO feel it. It’s going to take some time for you to shift. You still have feelings and you are still wanting things to work, but he doesn’t. Love yourself enough to honor his choice and to honor what you REQUIRE in a relationship. He wasn’t giving you what you needed, plain and simple. Are you willing to settle then?
Heidi
