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Hi Rebecca,
It sounds like you are moving really well through this. I love the loooong walks, the fitness competitions with work and that you are writing down your thoughts. I do have other suggestions, as you are now on a rollercoaster ride. You are going to have some great days and some really, really hard days. There are layers and layers to letting go of someone you really love, especially with the kind of connection you guys had together.
I would suggest learning EFT, TFT or tapping. They are all pretty much the same thing with slight differences. Just type any of those words into youtube and you will give a plethora of videos showing you how to do it. You can even type in “TFT for a breakup” or “EFT for anxiety” etc. There are specific patterns/sentences for specific challenges as well.
I like a lot of Michaela Bohem’s techniques. One technique, in particular, is called nonlinear movement. It’s also an effective way to move emotion through the body and to work with all kind of feelings. I posted a link in my previous post.
I would suggest to also wrap your mindset around doing as much nurturing for yourself as you possibly can. Take bubble baths, put flowers around your house, dress up, do mani’s/pedi’s with your girls, watch movies that are light, nurturing and encouraging, get a good novel you can sink into etc. When you care for yourself on a daily basis, it helps put money in the soul bank. So on those days that are extra tough, you have enough in your soul bank to make some pretty big withdrawals to help you during those difficult times. Does this make sense?
As Spyce mentioned above, he is not 100% avoidant. Make sure to take any “system” you learn about human behavior as just a drop in the bucket. Some drops are much bigger than others though, however NEVER is any one method the FULL and COMPLETE truth about any one person. That’s why I’ve studied many, many different types of systems, so I have several different perspectives to draw from. A method I LOVE LOVE LOVE is called the enneagram. Wow! Now THAT is a system that takes years to study and helps make sense of all of our crazy behaviors. You can also add that one to your list! lol.
I know you asked if we thought he might be surprised by your decision. I’m actually surprised, so I imagine he might feel the same way. I’m curious though…why do you care? What does it mean to you if he surprised? What does it mean to you if he weren’t surprised?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing! Let’s keep breaking this down.
You say this: But my looks are well above average, i have a sexy body shape that attracts pretty much every guy and gets me complments from men and women alike. i’m a smart kind woman (what all people i know say about me, including him) my situation is good (work, health and stuff, have a graduate degree). i’m damn sure i’m not the random average girl you meet everyday. Then you say this: i feel like i’m too late to try and make him see me, make him choose me… nothing works. Do you see the difference in these statements? If you didn’t know this person and just read these sentences, would you think it was 2 different girls? You absolutely have confidence AND you don’t. The part of you that is confident is the adult part of you that is connected to the truth of who you are. The part of you that carries low self-esteem, is the part that carries all the hurt, wounds and lies. So these parts end up having quite the battle. This part of you that carries the low self-esteem is pretty strong…stronger than you are giving it credit. A confident woman who truly knows her worth, would NOT choose to stay with a guy who is cheating and lying and would NOT be saying “How can I get him to choose me?” That’s a low self esteem comment. That is putting your power in HIS hands. That is putting your value in HIS hands. An empowered woman who is aligned with her value, DOES NOT compromise her value away. She loves herself more than any connection with a guy who doesn’t treat her the way she deserves to be treated…she does not negotiate away her needs.
Are you able to see that although you have a very confident, empowered, beautiful vision of yourself, you also have a side to yourself that is pretty strong, that gives your power and your value to other guys? This is definitely a main reason why you keep attracting this kind of guy. This thought/belief: that gets me thinking i’m never going to make it, never succed in love … and it just hurts too much. tells you everything you need to know about why you keep attracting guys that are not valuing who you really are. This is a stronger belief than you realize. If you want to shift things around, you need to really get to know this belief. When did it start? Where did it come from? What are all the layers and feelings that live within this belief? How can you transform it into the truth?
nothing works. feel like i have to give up but it breaks my heart just the thought of being without him. Nothing works because you are dealing with a messed up guy. You keep trying to be more or different when the issue lies with him…not you. His cheating and lying ultimately is an expression of his lack of integrity and authenticity. Why he is like this, who knows! I guarantee though, the reasons lie in his past, way before you came along.
I understand the thought of being without him feels painful. You have a choice though and it’s not an easy one. If you stay with him, you also get to stay in pain. It won’t end because he will continue to lie and cheat and you will continue to snoop and you will continue to always try this and that to get his attentions. There is that pain. Or there is choosing to breakup and deal with that kind of pain. This pain at least will end. This pain will slowly dissipate over time and you will heal. This pain is a healthy pain that can be transformed into self-love and healing. So no matter which path you take, you are going to hurt…it just depends on the kind of hurt you want to deal with.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Faith,
You keep circling round and round trying to guess and understand and interpret all that he is doing/saying. This is a pretty common trap people get wrapped in. The thing is, you CANNOT know what he is really doing or feeling. Trying to play the guessing game and spending so much energy wondering “why” is more about you trying to control the situation and make sense of it, because you are hurting and wanting to get out of pain. So your brain overanalyzes, overworks and overthinks everything about what happened, what to do next and what the possibilities are.
How about you give yourself a rest. For right now, the ONLY thing you do know that is factual…is that it’s over. Everything else is unknown. Let yourself rest and have closure in the facts…it’s over. Feel into that, work with all the emotions that come up about that first. Allow yourself to deal with the loss, the hurt, the changes in your mindset and whatever else comes up. THEN you can take the next step. The more you allow yourself to accept what is and stop trying to interpret what he thinks or feels, the more peaceful you will feel inside, the more clarity you will have and then you can decide if you want to be friends or not. But until you deal with the ending, everything else will be jaded, you will stay confused, you will spend all your mental energy looping round and round analyzing his behavior and you will stay stuck in the trap.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Huyen,
Checkin in on you again. We are here for ya! Let us know how you are and what’s going on for you.
Heidi
Oh goodness! I wonder what happened!!!
I would try to call him and if he picks up, just ask him what he meant by that text. You can say “I’m so confused. I don’t understand what your text meant. Can you explain it to me? I’d like to understand.”
If you call and he doesn’t pick up, you can leave a voice saying something of that nature. Wait a bit and then you can text him.
How does this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Becky,
Thank you for sharing all of this!
You guys had such a wonderful connection and it sounded so nourishing and wonderful. That kind of love is darn powerful. It’s normal to question your decision and hope that he comes back and fights for you. I sure hope he does. I have no doubt the pain of the loss of you in his life will be quite impactful, but now the real test is active….would he rather stay in that pain and suffering and does he has so much low self-esteem that it will stop him from fighting for more in his life….or will he finally get off his ass and let his connection and love for you win. He has quite the battle to face right now.
I love everything you are learning. There are soooooo many perspectives to view a relationship through. Here are a few other amazing resources for you:
You are on a journey of growth and healing right now as you deal with this loss. What kinds of techniques or skills do you have to help you through this? You not feeling anything as you drove by his house, may be more about your subconscious walls going up and going numb as a coping mechanism vs. feeling resolved. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jamie!
I love that you came here to vent! It’s great to get ALL your feelings out and give them a voice in a safe place.
I used to be highly involved in the athletic world, so what you are experiencing is quite normal. It really is the only way to stay in the industry. It requires a TON of hours, high drive and constantly being on top of things to make sure they run smoothly. Football is an especially intense sport that has a very high demand, but it sounds like he is doing really well!
You wanting more time with him, is normal as well. Wanting to go out on dates is a good thing! I also understand him being too tired though. When you work with athletes and as a trainer (which I also do) it takes everything out of ya most of the time. It’s constant talking, coaching and motivating, which requires an insane amount of energy. So at the end of the day, making the effort to go out on a date feels like too much. Sleeping and resting and doing nothing each night and on the weekends is how you restore and regenenerate. My suggestion is…find out what really fills him up and plan dates doing things that require little effort. For example, he may LOVE comedy, so find comedy shows to go to. He may LOVE nature, so find ways to play in nature…maybe hikes, sports etc. Maybe he loves movies, so find movies to go to. Here are some other tips. Plan dates in advance so he can keep his energy up at the end of his day for the date. Your best bet to get him out is to go straight from work and don’t have him go home first. It will help him keep his energy up. Also make the dates short. Long nights after work are tough. Even if you plan to go get an ice cream and go for an easy walk, then head home, that works!!!
As far as you feeling scared about being enough for him, this is great!!! It is showing you the places that you feel insecure, which is such a wonderful opportunity to work on yourself! Personally, if I don’t feel insecure and intimidated by a guy, I know it won’t last. I have such a strong personality and high confidence, so if a guy can make me feel insecure and intimidated, I LOVE it because I know he has to be a quite the catch to activate those things in me. So how do you plan on dealing those feelings?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Heidi – Love your name 🙂
Welcome! You are asking a great question! Let’s explore this further, because I imagine there are a lot of layers to your situation.
What EXACTLY are you feeling insecure about when it comes to his ex wife?
What is his and his ex’s relationship like? Why did he lie to her? What is he afraid of?
How long have you guys been dating?
When he talks about his ex every 3rd time, what is it about?Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your story with us!!! It’s so interesting that you guys have stayed in touch for this long, never having met before. I’m curious, how did you guys meet in the first place?
I understand your concern about staying connected amidst all the challenges that have recently shown up. Women tend to get SUPER stressed and worried when the level of connection changes. It sounds like you guys are still connecting, but maybe just not as much. I imagine with everything he is dealing with, his capacity and time to connect may just be more limited at this time. Losing a parent and then having to take care of another parent turns a person’s world completely upside down. He is having to literally reshape his identity and his life. Have some patience. It’s not unusual for a guy to a withdraw a bit and go in his “cave” to manage the stressors in his life. One of the best things you can do is NOT push for more connection, but instead be super supportive. A man who is in his cave will come out much sooner if he is left alone. As a partner, your job is to just keep checking in, offering support and helping wherever you can. If you express worry or concern about the relationship, it just adds to his stress and will make him want to retreat and stay in the cave longer.
Being that he is going through a very intense time in his life right now, what kinds of things can you do to support him? There are so many creative things you can do for him, even though he is far away.
Heidi
Rhonda, you are doing such a great job grounding in the truth and God and keeping your head up, despite the uncertainty of your future. I really am proud of you. It’s not easy what you are going through. I have no doubt you will be provided for, but it sure is a challenge not knowing how and when and where that will happen.
Being gracious as a 2nd place winner says a lot about someone doesn’t it?? It definitely is a quality to look for in a guy!
Heidi
Ooooohh!!! This makes sense. I understand now. Well….I have to say….I will be holding the vision for you to find a company to work for that will truly value you and appreciate you and feel you are irreplaceable!!! Any company that puts money over people in the way you are talking about, is not a company you want to be connected with anyways. Yuk!! You are so much more valuable all the money in the world!
I didn’t say tap dancing…lol! But I gotta tell ya, the fact that you remember it that way put a big smile on my face!!! I love it!!!
I love that you at least keep getting on the treadmill. Keeping the movement and exercise going is really important! Well done Rhonda. One day at a time.
Heidi
Oh! Yes, the timeframe is important. I would wait 2 weeks. He needs to feel your absence in his life and he needs to feel like you are truly respecting his request for space. If you text too soon, he will interpret that as you being pushy or needy and not holding up to the agreement.
When you do send a pic or video, make sure to send a little text with it, similar to what I wrote above. Simple, short and sweet and something that doesn’t require him to respond.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Oh Rebecca,
I am sooooo so sorry! I know you are deeply hurting right now. He is letting his fear get in the way of a beautiful love and connection and that is just so heartbreaking. I know you will be crying and your heart will be hurting for a while.
I hope he responds sooner than later to maybe bring some closure from his end. I know you didn’t want to end things this way, but it took great strength to really fight for what you need in your life. His behavior is childish and full of fear and he was not being a good partner. You did everything you could and you finally reached your limit. You needed some closure and you honored that. Well done! You fought for yourself and that always is a beautiful and very important act of self-love.
As far as him deleting photos and videos of you, I would invite you to let that go. He gets to do what he wants with those things. Besides, if he chooses to hold onto those memories of you guys as a couple, it might actually bring him back to you, as he remembers how amazing it was to be with you and how much love and care was exchanged. Is that a request you might be willing to release?
What are you doing right now to care for yourself???
Heidi
Hi Faith,
I know Spyce has been helping you through this. Isn’t she amazing??
I just thought I’d pop in with this last question. I get the awkwardness you are worried about when you see him again.
It’s a simple truth that you need to connect to. When YOU are comfortable within yourself, the people around will be as well. When you are able to completely let go of what happened, then there is nothing inside of you to feel awkward. Truth is, we are human and we all make mistakes and do embarrassing things and it’s just normal. We all get hurt and are misunderstood. When we are able to forgive ourselves and others for being human and messy and completely release it, all is right with the world. So the goal is for you to let go of the negative energy, thoughts, feelings and release them and then love yourself – even your messiness – and hopefully even chuckle about it one day….then you will just be your beautiful self whenever you run into him. He is going to be whoever he is and it will all work out as it’s supposed to. It may be awkward for a few times, but it will work itself out. What matters most is how you feel about yourself when you are around him. As long as you stay connected to your amazingness, stay grounded in your confidence and be okay with whatever shows up each time, it’s all good! No need to avoid him, no need to pretend, no need to be anything other than who you authentically are each moment. That takes great strength and courage, because sometimes those moments where we are being ourselves, are not so pretty. So what! It’s just part of life and it’s all okay. No one is dying, the world is ending because we are being messy. It’s all fixable and moldable and changeable. A woman who can love herself in that way, be present and authentic in every moment…is a woman who truly impacts this world and the people around her. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine seeing him and feeling confident, centered, grounded and empowered??? Imagine feeling like all is good. Imagine feeling like whatever happened, it’s in the past. Today is a new day to create new experiences and you have the power to create whatever you want. Hold that energy within you!!!
Does this help?
Heidi
HI Angela,
I’m glad to hear you are deciding to open the door to having other experiences. I know this must be hard for you.
He may say he is done with online sites, but honestly, I wouldn’t trust a darn thing this guy says. He is too deep into that world to stop his behaviors. Besides, he doesn’t see anything “wrong” with it and that’s okay. He gets to feel that way, but it is not aligned with what you are wanting, so it’s best to move on and connect with someone who is on the same page as you.
I know it will be hard, but your best bet is to close the door completely to this guy. Really spend these next few months letting him go before May. Instead of thinking “we will see what happens” how about really creating closure and saying, “he cannot and does not want to offer me what I need. The door is closed. It’s over.” As long as you keep the door open to him, you won’t ever fully resolve inside. Your energy will be split, which means you are not truly available or open to a new experience. Just something to think about.
heidi
