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Hi Michelle,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your story with us!!! It’s so interesting that you guys have stayed in touch for this long, never having met before. I’m curious, how did you guys meet in the first place?
I understand your concern about staying connected amidst all the challenges that have recently shown up. Women tend to get SUPER stressed and worried when the level of connection changes. It sounds like you guys are still connecting, but maybe just not as much. I imagine with everything he is dealing with, his capacity and time to connect may just be more limited at this time. Losing a parent and then having to take care of another parent turns a person’s world completely upside down. He is having to literally reshape his identity and his life. Have some patience. It’s not unusual for a guy to a withdraw a bit and go in his “cave” to manage the stressors in his life. One of the best things you can do is NOT push for more connection, but instead be super supportive. A man who is in his cave will come out much sooner if he is left alone. As a partner, your job is to just keep checking in, offering support and helping wherever you can. If you express worry or concern about the relationship, it just adds to his stress and will make him want to retreat and stay in the cave longer.
Being that he is going through a very intense time in his life right now, what kinds of things can you do to support him? There are so many creative things you can do for him, even though he is far away.
Heidi
Rhonda, you are doing such a great job grounding in the truth and God and keeping your head up, despite the uncertainty of your future. I really am proud of you. It’s not easy what you are going through. I have no doubt you will be provided for, but it sure is a challenge not knowing how and when and where that will happen.
Being gracious as a 2nd place winner says a lot about someone doesn’t it?? It definitely is a quality to look for in a guy!
Heidi
Ooooohh!!! This makes sense. I understand now. Well….I have to say….I will be holding the vision for you to find a company to work for that will truly value you and appreciate you and feel you are irreplaceable!!! Any company that puts money over people in the way you are talking about, is not a company you want to be connected with anyways. Yuk!! You are so much more valuable all the money in the world!
I didn’t say tap dancing…lol! But I gotta tell ya, the fact that you remember it that way put a big smile on my face!!! I love it!!!
I love that you at least keep getting on the treadmill. Keeping the movement and exercise going is really important! Well done Rhonda. One day at a time.
Heidi
Oh! Yes, the timeframe is important. I would wait 2 weeks. He needs to feel your absence in his life and he needs to feel like you are truly respecting his request for space. If you text too soon, he will interpret that as you being pushy or needy and not holding up to the agreement.
When you do send a pic or video, make sure to send a little text with it, similar to what I wrote above. Simple, short and sweet and something that doesn’t require him to respond.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Oh Rebecca,
I am sooooo so sorry! I know you are deeply hurting right now. He is letting his fear get in the way of a beautiful love and connection and that is just so heartbreaking. I know you will be crying and your heart will be hurting for a while.
I hope he responds sooner than later to maybe bring some closure from his end. I know you didn’t want to end things this way, but it took great strength to really fight for what you need in your life. His behavior is childish and full of fear and he was not being a good partner. You did everything you could and you finally reached your limit. You needed some closure and you honored that. Well done! You fought for yourself and that always is a beautiful and very important act of self-love.
As far as him deleting photos and videos of you, I would invite you to let that go. He gets to do what he wants with those things. Besides, if he chooses to hold onto those memories of you guys as a couple, it might actually bring him back to you, as he remembers how amazing it was to be with you and how much love and care was exchanged. Is that a request you might be willing to release?
What are you doing right now to care for yourself???
Heidi
Hi Faith,
I know Spyce has been helping you through this. Isn’t she amazing??
I just thought I’d pop in with this last question. I get the awkwardness you are worried about when you see him again.
It’s a simple truth that you need to connect to. When YOU are comfortable within yourself, the people around will be as well. When you are able to completely let go of what happened, then there is nothing inside of you to feel awkward. Truth is, we are human and we all make mistakes and do embarrassing things and it’s just normal. We all get hurt and are misunderstood. When we are able to forgive ourselves and others for being human and messy and completely release it, all is right with the world. So the goal is for you to let go of the negative energy, thoughts, feelings and release them and then love yourself – even your messiness – and hopefully even chuckle about it one day….then you will just be your beautiful self whenever you run into him. He is going to be whoever he is and it will all work out as it’s supposed to. It may be awkward for a few times, but it will work itself out. What matters most is how you feel about yourself when you are around him. As long as you stay connected to your amazingness, stay grounded in your confidence and be okay with whatever shows up each time, it’s all good! No need to avoid him, no need to pretend, no need to be anything other than who you authentically are each moment. That takes great strength and courage, because sometimes those moments where we are being ourselves, are not so pretty. So what! It’s just part of life and it’s all okay. No one is dying, the world is ending because we are being messy. It’s all fixable and moldable and changeable. A woman who can love herself in that way, be present and authentic in every moment…is a woman who truly impacts this world and the people around her. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine seeing him and feeling confident, centered, grounded and empowered??? Imagine feeling like all is good. Imagine feeling like whatever happened, it’s in the past. Today is a new day to create new experiences and you have the power to create whatever you want. Hold that energy within you!!!
Does this help?
Heidi
HI Angela,
I’m glad to hear you are deciding to open the door to having other experiences. I know this must be hard for you.
He may say he is done with online sites, but honestly, I wouldn’t trust a darn thing this guy says. He is too deep into that world to stop his behaviors. Besides, he doesn’t see anything “wrong” with it and that’s okay. He gets to feel that way, but it is not aligned with what you are wanting, so it’s best to move on and connect with someone who is on the same page as you.
I know it will be hard, but your best bet is to close the door completely to this guy. Really spend these next few months letting him go before May. Instead of thinking “we will see what happens” how about really creating closure and saying, “he cannot and does not want to offer me what I need. The door is closed. It’s over.” As long as you keep the door open to him, you won’t ever fully resolve inside. Your energy will be split, which means you are not truly available or open to a new experience. Just something to think about.
heidi
Okay great! It sounds like there was some pretty good closure. He opened up and told you the full story and you just listened. Well done! So I’m thinking that the text above I created, might do the trick in a few weeks.
In the meantime, can you send him some super short funny videos or articles or things that you could say “I saw this and thought of you. It cracked me up!”
What do you think?
Heidi
Thanks for sharing. Let’s work with your fear, because it will definitely ruin things between you guys. Our fears need to faced and dealt with personally and are not meant for others to alleviate for us. So let’s work through this together and see if we can get you to a place a complete peace with things, just as they are.
You are scared to get hurt again. Of course you are! I don’t know a human being alive that isn’t afraid to get hurt. It completely sucks!! So being that this is a very normal and forever kind of fear, it’s important for you to know how to work with it. One of the biggest ways to deal with fear when it comes up, is to talk to that part of yourself that is holding that fear. Imagine that part of yourself as a little girl and you are the parent. If she were to come up to you as say, a 5 year old and says to you “Mommy, I’m scared he is going to run away and stop loving me” what would you say to her as a parent?
The first thing I hope you would do is just love her and hold her and talk with her about her fears. Ask a few questions like “tell me more about that. How come you are so afraid? What are you afraid will happen to you? What’s the worst thing you think would happen?” and then you fill her up with the truth “It’s okay that you afraid. It doesn’t feel good to be hurt. But you know what? No matter what happens, I am here with you. You are not alone and I will always love you. We are partners and we can get through anything together. Even if he did decide to go away, I know it would hurt for awhile, but you and I together will get through it and we will be okay. I promise. We have people that will help us, we have all kinds of things we will do to help us heal and I promise we will laugh and we will love again. We will be okay.”
There is a really powerful exercise called left/right handwriting. Your non-dominant hand represents your little girl voice and your dominant hand represents your adult voice. Have a conversation with her through writing. It’s really spectacular because when you write with your non-dominant hand, you really do feel like a child trying to write. So you keep switching the pen back and forth between hands, having a connecting and conversation with the part of you holding onto the fears and hurts. You want to make sure that you as the adult, DO NOT respond with trying to fix your feelings with logic. REMEMBER you are talking to a CHILD like part of yourself, so your responses only need to be about validating, comforting and reminding her of the truth that she is held by YOU, loved by YOU, supported by YOU, seen by YOU, cared about by YOU – even when others are not choosing her.
This is the truth you need to be showering yourself with daily! Because it is a reality that he could hurt you again and leave. We don’t have control over what others will do…ever. So being that it is a risk to open your heart and be vulnerable and love…that also means that you stay connected to the truth that you also love yourself and no matter what hurt shows up, you are going to choose love for yourself and not give your power away by letting him, or anyone else define your value. You are loveable and valuable and worth fighting for, whether he chooses you are not.
Oh! And when I do my left/right handwriting, I personally like to use GIANT crayons on really big paper. I like to get creative. You can go to a craft store and let that little girl energy pick out what she would like to write to you with. It’s really fun!
And lastly, you how about switching your mindset a bit. You say you want things to go back to how they used to be. How about letting go of the past and keeping your eyes forward. How about imagining that you guys have a clean slate and you are building something EVEN BETTER! You are taking it slow, getting to know each other, having some fun, figuring each other out, bit by bit and all of that is building a BRAND NEW foundation that is going to be stronger than it was before. No need to rush. This part of the process is important. You think that those pet names and the I love you’s means you are in the safe zone somehow and that he is 100% in. Truth is, that is NEVER true. Truth is, love or not, pet names or not, he could leave at anytime, just like you could. That is true for any and all relationships, so it’s important to keep focused on the present, paying attention to all the little details and being in gratitude about what you have RIGHT NOW. Right now, you have way more than you did a few months ago. LOVE that, appreciate it. With your attention focused on what is not present, like the pet names, you are missing what IS there and missing the beauty of what IS there.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
It’s totally okay that you told him he is an avoidant. Listen….you gotta be you. You learned something new about him and about you and you shared that with him. If he cannot handle you just being you and if something like that pushes him away, he is so fragile and truly is not a good match for you. It sounds like you presented it in such a great way! It’s not like you were pointing fingers at him. You did a good job! Again…if this pushes him away, then that is information you really need to know about him. You weren’t attaching or blaming or being critical. You were sharing what you learned. It’s all good! That’s my opinion at least. I’m sure other people would say differently, but I always come back to this…you need to be loved, valued and chosen for who you are. So this part of you that reached out and shared what you learned, is part of who you are and deserves to be valued and loved. Plain and simple.
I LOVE that he got the cake and that he smiled! That’s wonderful!!! It sounds like it opened the door up a little bit. Keep giving it time. He will come around.
As far as living together and what avoidant behavior would look like, it would be finding ways to get away from you. So yes, driving somewhere or if he has his own room, like a man cave, he would go in there and shut the door. Avoidants just need to get away. My guess is, he may want to move in, but he doesn’t trust himself. I used to feel like that. I wouldn’t commit, because I knew what I could be like and I didn’t want to hurt someone. I imagine he has some of the same feelings. Keep being patient and remember that his disconnect has nothing to do with you. I know that is so hard and I know you also have your own limits. Keep working with any fears or low self-esteem that surfaces.
Heidi
How did you apologize? What did you say?
I’m wondering….is there anything you need advice about? It might be good to have a deep conversation about something that is happening in your life right now. That might help re-create the connection. I would still suggest to wait a week or 2 before bringing something up though. Still give him space and time. How long has it been now? 1 week? 2 weeks?
You can even say in a few weeks, “I miss my friend. I understand that what I did really sucked. My insecurities definitely got the best of me. We haven’t really talked since then. I have something I’m dealing with and normally you would be the person I turn to. Can we talk? If you still need some time and space, I understand.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Yay! I’m excited you guys are still going on this trip!
Keep being patient. Just keep staying present and enjoying the new connection that has emerged. DO NOT ask him about his feelings yet. You want to instead learn how he feels through his actions right now.
So let me ask you this…this part of you that keeps wanting to have “the talk”….let’s connect with that part of you. What is she feeling?
Heidi
But he’s not aware that I know the truth so I’m not setting a standard (or lack of) that it’s okay to cheat and lie… You are setting the standard for YOURSELF. This has nothing to do with him…it has to do with you. Through your actions, you are basically saying “It’s okay that my boyfriend cheats on me. I’m willing to look the other way. My needs do not matter. I will just give him whatever he wants and keep chasing him.” You are basically abandoning yourself. If you don’t have standards in yourself first, you cannot require them from other people. Again, how you treat yourself is how others will treat you.
SO, what i would love to know (and do), is how to make him appreciate me more, love me more ? be irreplacable ? These things you are looking to accomplish begin within you. It’s all about the energy you emit and the actions you take. Like I said previously, it starts INSIDE OF YOU! If you want him to love you more, you need to love yourself more. You want him to view you as irreplaceable, then you have to KNOW that inside of yourself. When a woman has high love and self-respect, she will attract a partner that treats her as such. It’s less about things you do or say and it’s more about the energy you put out. You can tell if someone has self-love and self-respect just by watching how they walk…have you ever noticed that?
You say he is more romantic with her. My guess is, she may have higher confidence. How do you feel about your body? How do you feel about yourself when having sex with him? Are you comfortable flirting with him? Let’s just start here and let’s keep exploring.
Heidi
I would be interested to hear this story you have about the non local guy and the advice he gave you! Please share 🙂
What are you wanting Fung? It seems you are okay with being casual but then you are comparing guys as to who would be more promising for a commitment. What do YOU want?
But what should I bear in mind when I hang out with him so that I won’t turn him away? Matching with the right kind of partner is important! In my opinion, the best way to filter out who is a good partner or not, is to just be yourself. You want a guy who is really attracted to you because of who you are. He is interested in the things you have to say, he thinks you are beautiful, he wants to spend time with you…all those things are natural and easy for him. It’s not about what you do or don’t do. If you do something to turn this guy away, then he is not a good match for you. You want to find someone who accepts all of who you are…the best parts of you AND the messy bits of you too. A guy who can go the distance with you, can sustain all of the up and down moments with you, because he will know you are worth it to him.
I can’t tell you what you should bear in mind so you don’t turn him away. Every single guy is different. Just be yourself.
Heidi
Hi Kale,
Welcome! Glad you are here. Let’s talk more about your situation. You went on 1 date and he said at that point he wanted to be exclusive? Is that how you felt as well? That’s a pretty big decision to make so quickly. What’s the rush? Being that he has not followed through on a second date, it’s pretty fair to say that it would be GOOD to let this guy go. He obviously does not have much integrity with his word and if he already is ghosting you, I guarantee this guy would be a horrible partner anyways. Did you have sex on that first date?
I’m curious what the mental breakdown was about. What’s going on for you?
Heidi
