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Hi Rebecca,
It’s totally okay that you told him he is an avoidant. Listen….you gotta be you. You learned something new about him and about you and you shared that with him. If he cannot handle you just being you and if something like that pushes him away, he is so fragile and truly is not a good match for you. It sounds like you presented it in such a great way! It’s not like you were pointing fingers at him. You did a good job! Again…if this pushes him away, then that is information you really need to know about him. You weren’t attaching or blaming or being critical. You were sharing what you learned. It’s all good! That’s my opinion at least. I’m sure other people would say differently, but I always come back to this…you need to be loved, valued and chosen for who you are. So this part of you that reached out and shared what you learned, is part of who you are and deserves to be valued and loved. Plain and simple.
I LOVE that he got the cake and that he smiled! That’s wonderful!!! It sounds like it opened the door up a little bit. Keep giving it time. He will come around.
As far as living together and what avoidant behavior would look like, it would be finding ways to get away from you. So yes, driving somewhere or if he has his own room, like a man cave, he would go in there and shut the door. Avoidants just need to get away. My guess is, he may want to move in, but he doesn’t trust himself. I used to feel like that. I wouldn’t commit, because I knew what I could be like and I didn’t want to hurt someone. I imagine he has some of the same feelings. Keep being patient and remember that his disconnect has nothing to do with you. I know that is so hard and I know you also have your own limits. Keep working with any fears or low self-esteem that surfaces.
Heidi
How did you apologize? What did you say?
I’m wondering….is there anything you need advice about? It might be good to have a deep conversation about something that is happening in your life right now. That might help re-create the connection. I would still suggest to wait a week or 2 before bringing something up though. Still give him space and time. How long has it been now? 1 week? 2 weeks?
You can even say in a few weeks, “I miss my friend. I understand that what I did really sucked. My insecurities definitely got the best of me. We haven’t really talked since then. I have something I’m dealing with and normally you would be the person I turn to. Can we talk? If you still need some time and space, I understand.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Yay! I’m excited you guys are still going on this trip!
Keep being patient. Just keep staying present and enjoying the new connection that has emerged. DO NOT ask him about his feelings yet. You want to instead learn how he feels through his actions right now.
So let me ask you this…this part of you that keeps wanting to have “the talk”….let’s connect with that part of you. What is she feeling?
Heidi
But he’s not aware that I know the truth so I’m not setting a standard (or lack of) that it’s okay to cheat and lie… You are setting the standard for YOURSELF. This has nothing to do with him…it has to do with you. Through your actions, you are basically saying “It’s okay that my boyfriend cheats on me. I’m willing to look the other way. My needs do not matter. I will just give him whatever he wants and keep chasing him.” You are basically abandoning yourself. If you don’t have standards in yourself first, you cannot require them from other people. Again, how you treat yourself is how others will treat you.
SO, what i would love to know (and do), is how to make him appreciate me more, love me more ? be irreplacable ? These things you are looking to accomplish begin within you. It’s all about the energy you emit and the actions you take. Like I said previously, it starts INSIDE OF YOU! If you want him to love you more, you need to love yourself more. You want him to view you as irreplaceable, then you have to KNOW that inside of yourself. When a woman has high love and self-respect, she will attract a partner that treats her as such. It’s less about things you do or say and it’s more about the energy you put out. You can tell if someone has self-love and self-respect just by watching how they walk…have you ever noticed that?
You say he is more romantic with her. My guess is, she may have higher confidence. How do you feel about your body? How do you feel about yourself when having sex with him? Are you comfortable flirting with him? Let’s just start here and let’s keep exploring.
Heidi
I would be interested to hear this story you have about the non local guy and the advice he gave you! Please share 🙂
What are you wanting Fung? It seems you are okay with being casual but then you are comparing guys as to who would be more promising for a commitment. What do YOU want?
But what should I bear in mind when I hang out with him so that I won’t turn him away? Matching with the right kind of partner is important! In my opinion, the best way to filter out who is a good partner or not, is to just be yourself. You want a guy who is really attracted to you because of who you are. He is interested in the things you have to say, he thinks you are beautiful, he wants to spend time with you…all those things are natural and easy for him. It’s not about what you do or don’t do. If you do something to turn this guy away, then he is not a good match for you. You want to find someone who accepts all of who you are…the best parts of you AND the messy bits of you too. A guy who can go the distance with you, can sustain all of the up and down moments with you, because he will know you are worth it to him.
I can’t tell you what you should bear in mind so you don’t turn him away. Every single guy is different. Just be yourself.
Heidi
Hi Kale,
Welcome! Glad you are here. Let’s talk more about your situation. You went on 1 date and he said at that point he wanted to be exclusive? Is that how you felt as well? That’s a pretty big decision to make so quickly. What’s the rush? Being that he has not followed through on a second date, it’s pretty fair to say that it would be GOOD to let this guy go. He obviously does not have much integrity with his word and if he already is ghosting you, I guarantee this guy would be a horrible partner anyways. Did you have sex on that first date?
I’m curious what the mental breakdown was about. What’s going on for you?
Heidi
Hi Heather,
Welcome! You are asking a great question. It’s understandable that you would feel like you can’t express your concerns for fear he may run.
How about you share how you express your concerns. Communication is quite a complicated artform, so maybe we can give you some tips about how to express your feelings that will help him feel more comfortable. That is…if you want to keep fighting for this. He sounds pretty fragile and that aspect won’t change. It sounds like he has a lot of fear. I don’t know what his marriage or childhood was like. Do you? Can you see why he may be so sensitive?
As far as your currently planned conversation, I’m not sure if you have done this yet, but the best approach may be really validating him, listening to his concerns and fears and validating him again and then making a plan that makes you both feel comfortable. You know he is dealing with some pretty HUGE fears right now. It helps when someone just validates, listens and understands. The formula I like to use is this:
1. Listen: stay quiet and really absorb what HIS reality is
2. Validate: let him know in various ways that you understand how he feels
3. Curiosity: ask more questions. Pretend you are a reporter and writing an article. You need DETAILED info. So ask a lot of questions about his feelings, so you can gain greater understanding
4. Rinse and repeat: going through steps 1-3 several times will help you both get onto the same page and have a really good conversation about what is happening for both of you.
5. Problem solve: once you feel like everything has been said and you both have good understanding, then you start to problem solve. You want ALL the cards out on the table so you can work with all the pieces.Is this helpful as far as how to approach the conversation? Whatever his fears are, it sounds like he is heading into overwhelm, so what is best is for you to just take control and calm everything down. The approach above helps create an open and safe space to just talk and let it all out.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh wow! That is a shock! How come they are terminating you? Is that necessary? I’m a little confused because the project is ending and you are looking for a new job, so what’s the point of terminating you? You are already leaving.
How am I dealing with the depression? Gone pretty numb Yes, numb is my coping mechanism as well. How about dealing with your emotions? Journaling, tapping, dancing….anything! Numb means things are clogged and so built up. How about doing something to get the flow going?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I am just like you…I’m all about honesty. I would rather have is straight and deal with the truth more than anything, so I was not being soft with you at all. And from what Spyce said, she is correct. I am avoidant most of the time. Attachment styles are not a fixed thing…a person can be all the styles…it just depends on the situation, but usually there is a dominant type of reaction. I can assure you that our reactions (as avoidants) are natural, instant and absolutely habitual…no different than your anxious style. We cannot control what comes up and how our system responds to the stress, but we can control is what to do with it. That’s where the skill and understanding comes in. I have done soooooo much deep healing work, that now, when I shut down and disconnect, I am able to work with myself and the situation in a much more healthy way. I am able to communicate what I need now, whereas before, I used to just disconnect and the person on the receiving end would just have to wait until I was ready. It’s awful to be on the other end of an avoidant isn’t it? I will tell you, that for me, when someone wouldn’t put up with my disconnect and they would communicate that to me, it would bring me out of it sooner than later. My anxious attachment stye would get activated. It’s a funny thing how us humans work…lol. I’m not saying that is what will work for him, but there is something to say about having self-respect and standards. It’s good for you to communicate your needs, even if he is in his avoidance. Saying something like “I understand you need to disconnect right now and that’s okay. How about we agree to not break up and just be okay with a bit of distance to allow for more perspective and we just come back together and talk in a few weeks. Thoughts?”
During a time when you are not in an argument, you want to have a conversation where you discuss how to navigate challenges. Again, check out the workshop on attachment styles that I sent you. She will teach a variety of ways of how to navigate the gauntlet.
I know he has only done this when there is distance, but the truth is, whether he is close or far away, this is his coping mechanism and always has been. Distance has nothing to do with it. You will be dealing with this forever. And that’s okay! It’s just about navigating it in a healthy way and you BOTH working together to do this. As long as he is willing and interested, it can work!
As for creating a vision of connection, hold the image in your mind of reconnecting. Imagine him sitting in front of you and you guys having a really good, connective, easy conversation. Imagine holding hands while walking on a beach or a trail and being connected. Imagine FEELING that connection of love between the 2 of you. It’s your design. Visualize whatever you want and visualize many scenarios and have fun with it! This is how you create your relationship energetically. It absolutely will affect him, even though he will have no awareness of it! Does this make more sense?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
I understand your anger. You are carrying quite a bit of hurt and he is an easy target.
I’m also going to be a bit tough with you right now, which I hope is okay. It’s not HIS fault that he treated you this way. He has EVERY right to be who he is. He can treat anyone the way he wants. We ALL have that choice. The truth is, YOU stayed. You want to point the finger at him and blame him and be the victim, but the real truth is, you CHOSE to stay. So for you to tell him it’s not okay, is blaming him for YOUR choices and the hurt you feel.
Ecaterina, everything you are feeling…the hurt, the anger, the mood swings, the anxiety…all of it has lived within you for many years and he just happened to press a lot of the buttons. He treated you the way he did because of carrying a lot of baggage from his past. To say that he has NO right to aft like this. That she hurt him. But it’s not my fault orr the fault of any other woman. That I didn’t deserve it. We ALL do this Ecaterina. It’s impossible not to. We ALL have baggage that we carry around with us from our pasts and whether we like it or not, it affects how we love. It’s just part of the process. The relationships that work are the ones where BOTH people take responsibility for their baggage and they work with it. You brought your baggage to the relationship too and it affected your interactions. Start by looking in yourself and seeing where your past influenced your relationship with him. Let’s explore that further.
When these feelings comes – i read in intrnet some psicholocical explanation of feelings and situations that are similar. Sometimes i cry. I’ve given you many tools and ideas about how to handle your emotions and you are not doing any of them. Reading explanations will NOT make a difference. You are trying to control FEELINGS with your brain and that’s just not how it works…so you will continue to suffer and hurt. Crying is great though, as long as you are helping yourself in a healthy way through the tears. If you truly want to start to heal and let this go, it’s time to start doing things differently. Are you ready to work with a therapist yet??
Heidi
Did you guys ever have a final conversation about all of this? Did you ever get a chance to apologize for snooping? What kind of closure has been created around this situation?
Heidi
Hi Mery,
Thank you for sharing more info. Let’s break this down a bit more…
makes me wonder why don’t I deserve a committed man? but I’m willing to live with that for now, and to forgive. Having a committed relationship has NOTHING to do with you deserving it or not and EVERYTHING to do with you requiring that. It’s about having standards and not accepting anything less than those standards. People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. Yes, he is cheating and lying, however, YOU are choosing to stay in that design and are “willing to live with it for now.” YOU are teaching him how to treat you. If you won’t even stand up for yourself and set some standards, why should he change anything? He is getting everything he wants.
I know this may seem counterintuitive, but a man is much more attracted to a woman who has standards that she doesn’t negotiate away. A woman who stands strong for what she wants and needs creates solid respect in the relationship and that is what is missing here. You don’t respect or love yourself enough to truly ask for what you need, so why should he respect you? He knows he can lie to you and you will still end up in his bed. You are willing to choose the connection with him over your own needs.
It’s normal though. Women are soooooo much more highly connective than most men. Reltionships are soooooo important to us and many women end up losing themselves in order to stay connected. We are all guilty of it, so I completely understand what you want and why you are choosing to stay. I’m not sure it’s possible though, so you may have a tough choice to make. We’ll see.
A relationship that lasts, needs to be built on honesty. You have to set that precedence and start to require it from yourself and from him. How do you feel about just coming clean and saying “I know. I saw your phone and saw the text message exchanges between you and her, so I know you are dating her as well. I don’t want this to be a fight, I just want to calmly talk about it and learn about what is happening for you. We are not on the same page right now and that’s just not okay for me, so let’s figure this out and see where we land.”
I know you want him to commit only to you and you’d rather go about it in an indirect way so you don’t have to expose that you have his phone password. The thing is, honesty is so crucial. If you guys can’t be honest with each other, your relationship will break regardless.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Heather,
Welcome! Wow! You are really in a tough spot. It’s so insanely difficult to watch the one you love slowly start to slip from your fingers. It’s quite the powerless feeling. I’m so sorry this has shown up in your life.
Let me explain one of the core differences between men and women (generally speaking of course). The CORE of a man’s self-esteem is built around his ability to produce. Being able to provide and produce something in this world is one of the most important things for a man. Therefore, whenever a man’s job is on the line or threatened or not in order yet, the man will naturally and instinctively focus all of his attentions towards his career until things are settled. That means everything else gets shut out. So what you are experiencing with him is quite normal for a guy. This is INCREDIBLY hard because it goes against our instincts. For us, the core of what our self-esteem is built around is connection. Relationships are THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in our lives. That’s why the moms are so much more comfortable staying at home and not working. The moms are the relationship caretakers and the dads are the producers. So when the man disconnects from relationship in order to focus on producing, it breaks the heart of their female counterparts. He is totally okay letting go of relationship in order to produce. It has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with him being built that way combined with the fears he is carrying around. Women will choose relationship and connection above all else and sacrifice other things in order to maintain a good connection. Maybe this will help you understand a little more about what is happening for him and for you.
What’s important for you, is to figure out ways that you can still care for the relationship. His mind is soooooo overloaded with his life that he doesn’t have the mental capacity to see it’s not necessary to end things. He CAN focus on his business 100% and still be with you. You are a strong, independent woman and will be okay without his attentions for a year. Now is the time to get creative. He sounds like he is in constant overwhelm and that type of energy shuts people down. You can show him how to be more present. For example, what if you showed up to his house around 9pm or 10pm one night in a big coat with lingerie underneath. Hang out for a bit, be flirty and then take him to the bedroom. Stay the night, leave early the next morning. You are connecting during off work hours, right? Doing things like that every once in a while can keep the connection alive just enough to make it through this year. If you guys are spending time talking daily, that means he DOES have an hour to give to you in person before he goes to sleep. Since he is stressing about daily talking, agree to talk 3x a week for an hour. Get the app Marco Polo. I too am a busy person but this app has done wonders helping me stay connected to my friends. It’s basically video messaging. You record a video and he watched and responds whenever he has a chance. I know for me, I will put my phone on the stand in the my car and listen and send messages back to my friends while I’m driving. It’s sooooo easy AND I’m doing it while driving, which means it doesn’t take away from any work time. That may be something that could help keep you guys connected.
So maybe just let him know, “Listen…I understand this year is so tough with what you are wanting to create. Your drive and commitment to make things work is so attractive! I understand our relationship needs to go on hold for a while and I’m okay with that. You are an amazing man that I want to keep in my life. I can absolutely support you by giving you the space you need to build your empire. So let’s come up with a plan that makes us both feel good. I know you don’t want to talk daily and that’s okay. How do you feel about connecting 3x a week for an hour? How do you feel about planning a date once every other month. I just want one night with you…a dinner, sex, a sleepover and then I’ll come back home. Is that something you can agree to?”
Does this make sense the direction I am heading?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
What are the depression thoughts you are dealing with? What are you doing to help yourself work with those thoughts? How are you handling the depression?
Something will show up for work. It has 100% of the time, right? You will be provided for. I know it’s sooooo much easier to just say that but it’s a completely different thing to feel safety in it so you can relax. That’s the faith building element isn’t it?
Hopefully you hear back from that guy!
Heidi
Wowowow! The time is sooooo close now…I can’t believe it either!!! I truly hope your trip is peaceful and amazing. I am sooooo excited that you get to go hiking!!! I can’t wait for you to get out into the kind of nature that you respond to. You get to fill up your heart!!!
I’m glad the border crossing is going to be that easy. Whew! What he was suggesting, I have heard of and it’s intense, so I’m glad he was wrong.
That guy sounds pretty great! I would just respond to him with some questions like “I love that laughing is important to you. What kinds of things make you laugh the most?” or “I love love love animals and dogs. Tell me about your little guy. What something that he does that makes you laugh?” or “Wow…it sounds like you really like to truly embrace your life. What is something that you do that makes you feel like you are truly living life to its fullest?” What do you think about this approach? I’m not sure if you reached out yet. I would just ask 1 question and keep it at that.
Heidi
