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Oh wow. You can hear the conversations next to you? Lol. I wonder if they know that. It sounds like you are in a pretty tough industry, especially for women…yes? Do you have any idea why they would not want to keep you on? You’ve received so many compliments about your work. Do you think it’s because you are a woman?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
These phrases are actually not from our course. We promote other people’s courses and products in our emails, so those phrases come from someone else. I would reach out to that company to see if they are willing to share what those phrases are.
Heidi
You guys are really beautiful. I love all the wonderful things you did for each other that was caring, loving and connective. It’s a shame he is allowing his fear to be bigger than all the good stuff. He is reaching his limit of happiness (which is a good thing) because it is a moment of either fighting for more or going back into old patterns. We each end up with many moment like these where we have choice to break our limits and expand or go back into old patterns. You have fought through so much and developed a safety within yourself to face your fears. He has not quite done the same…at least not in the love department. Who knows though. He may come around. The longer he lives without you, the more he will realize how much he is missing out on. I have no doubt he feels rejected, somewhere in that psyche of his. Whether he is connected to it or not yet, who knows. Either way, just keep imagining his light, his strength, his courage and clarity keeps magnifying within him. Still keep holding a higher vision of him. It will impact him!!!
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more!
I love that him and his ex are still able to connect and be kind with each other. That’s sooooo so important! It’s not unusual that he is afraid to hurt her. Everyone has that fear to hurt someone they care about. Do you know much about their marriage? He somehow has this picture in his mind that she is fragile or something. I’m wondering why. He doesn’t want to tell her for fear he may hurt her, but he that is just an excuse. Does he TRULY believe she cannot handle the truth and the hurt? It may hurt her, but it doesn’t mean she won’t be okay and it doesn’t mean she can’t handle it. So I’m wondering what he thinks will happen if he hurts her? Is that a question you might be comfortable asking him? The thing to truly understand here, is if she is actually fragile or is he just avoiding (like most people do). If she is fragile, what is he afraid she will do or will happen if she finds out? I’d be interested in learning more about the story he has created in his mind around this. I think this is what is important for you to find out.
Go out on a date, put a nice dress on and look and feel your best, go somewhere romantic and bring up the topic. You can say something like, “There is something I’m curious about. I’m wondering if your ex is pretty fragile emotionally. I know you are worried about hurting her by telling her you are dating again. What are you afraid will happen if you tell her the truth?” Or something to that affect. Make it a conversation to learn about him. Let him know you are asking not because you need him to say something, but because you are just interested in learning more about him and how he thinks. You may discover that he is just avoiding and that he is not very good at being honest when it comes to bigger things. Isn’t that something you would like to know about him? If he is lying to her, he will lie to you as well. Not that it’s a deal breaker…we all lie sometimes. But it’s just important to keep your eyes open about this.
It sounds like he is really investing in you. He may be a guy who shows his love more through actions than words. He may be afraid to say it. Either way, it sounds like he is going a bit slow and that’s okay! I think it’s a great thing that you want him to say it first. I’m a bit old fashioned and feel the same way, however make sure you just keep going with the flow and don’t let something like that stop you from being who you are.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Gosh…that sure doesn’t feel good when people are avoiding you and not just being straight up. That drives me nuts! It’s their own fear of confrontation and their own fear of being honest and worried the other person may not be able to handle it. I see it soooo much in the dating world with all the ghosting, games and gaslighting. It’s sad really. Being honest and authentic is not easy all the time though. It takes an incredible amount of strength, especially when it may hurt someone or cause an argument. Still…it’s an important and valuable quality to develop.
4 more weeks!!! I’m seriously so curious how what next for you!
Heidi
Hey there! I’m sooooo curious when your trip is. I believe you might be on it right now or it’s very close. Where are you going by the way? Any place new? What do you have planned for the time that you will see your guy?
Can’t wait to hear what happened!!!
Heidi
Hi Liza,
It sounds like you got some more clarity. How are you feeling about your decision to let this guy go?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
It sounds like you are moving really well through this. I love the loooong walks, the fitness competitions with work and that you are writing down your thoughts. I do have other suggestions, as you are now on a rollercoaster ride. You are going to have some great days and some really, really hard days. There are layers and layers to letting go of someone you really love, especially with the kind of connection you guys had together.
I would suggest learning EFT, TFT or tapping. They are all pretty much the same thing with slight differences. Just type any of those words into youtube and you will give a plethora of videos showing you how to do it. You can even type in “TFT for a breakup” or “EFT for anxiety” etc. There are specific patterns/sentences for specific challenges as well.
I like a lot of Michaela Bohem’s techniques. One technique, in particular, is called nonlinear movement. It’s also an effective way to move emotion through the body and to work with all kind of feelings. I posted a link in my previous post.
I would suggest to also wrap your mindset around doing as much nurturing for yourself as you possibly can. Take bubble baths, put flowers around your house, dress up, do mani’s/pedi’s with your girls, watch movies that are light, nurturing and encouraging, get a good novel you can sink into etc. When you care for yourself on a daily basis, it helps put money in the soul bank. So on those days that are extra tough, you have enough in your soul bank to make some pretty big withdrawals to help you during those difficult times. Does this make sense?
As Spyce mentioned above, he is not 100% avoidant. Make sure to take any “system” you learn about human behavior as just a drop in the bucket. Some drops are much bigger than others though, however NEVER is any one method the FULL and COMPLETE truth about any one person. That’s why I’ve studied many, many different types of systems, so I have several different perspectives to draw from. A method I LOVE LOVE LOVE is called the enneagram. Wow! Now THAT is a system that takes years to study and helps make sense of all of our crazy behaviors. You can also add that one to your list! lol.
I know you asked if we thought he might be surprised by your decision. I’m actually surprised, so I imagine he might feel the same way. I’m curious though…why do you care? What does it mean to you if he surprised? What does it mean to you if he weren’t surprised?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing! Let’s keep breaking this down.
You say this: But my looks are well above average, i have a sexy body shape that attracts pretty much every guy and gets me complments from men and women alike. i’m a smart kind woman (what all people i know say about me, including him) my situation is good (work, health and stuff, have a graduate degree). i’m damn sure i’m not the random average girl you meet everyday. Then you say this: i feel like i’m too late to try and make him see me, make him choose me… nothing works. Do you see the difference in these statements? If you didn’t know this person and just read these sentences, would you think it was 2 different girls? You absolutely have confidence AND you don’t. The part of you that is confident is the adult part of you that is connected to the truth of who you are. The part of you that carries low self-esteem, is the part that carries all the hurt, wounds and lies. So these parts end up having quite the battle. This part of you that carries the low self-esteem is pretty strong…stronger than you are giving it credit. A confident woman who truly knows her worth, would NOT choose to stay with a guy who is cheating and lying and would NOT be saying “How can I get him to choose me?” That’s a low self esteem comment. That is putting your power in HIS hands. That is putting your value in HIS hands. An empowered woman who is aligned with her value, DOES NOT compromise her value away. She loves herself more than any connection with a guy who doesn’t treat her the way she deserves to be treated…she does not negotiate away her needs.
Are you able to see that although you have a very confident, empowered, beautiful vision of yourself, you also have a side to yourself that is pretty strong, that gives your power and your value to other guys? This is definitely a main reason why you keep attracting this kind of guy. This thought/belief: that gets me thinking i’m never going to make it, never succed in love … and it just hurts too much. tells you everything you need to know about why you keep attracting guys that are not valuing who you really are. This is a stronger belief than you realize. If you want to shift things around, you need to really get to know this belief. When did it start? Where did it come from? What are all the layers and feelings that live within this belief? How can you transform it into the truth?
nothing works. feel like i have to give up but it breaks my heart just the thought of being without him. Nothing works because you are dealing with a messed up guy. You keep trying to be more or different when the issue lies with him…not you. His cheating and lying ultimately is an expression of his lack of integrity and authenticity. Why he is like this, who knows! I guarantee though, the reasons lie in his past, way before you came along.
I understand the thought of being without him feels painful. You have a choice though and it’s not an easy one. If you stay with him, you also get to stay in pain. It won’t end because he will continue to lie and cheat and you will continue to snoop and you will continue to always try this and that to get his attentions. There is that pain. Or there is choosing to breakup and deal with that kind of pain. This pain at least will end. This pain will slowly dissipate over time and you will heal. This pain is a healthy pain that can be transformed into self-love and healing. So no matter which path you take, you are going to hurt…it just depends on the kind of hurt you want to deal with.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Faith,
You keep circling round and round trying to guess and understand and interpret all that he is doing/saying. This is a pretty common trap people get wrapped in. The thing is, you CANNOT know what he is really doing or feeling. Trying to play the guessing game and spending so much energy wondering “why” is more about you trying to control the situation and make sense of it, because you are hurting and wanting to get out of pain. So your brain overanalyzes, overworks and overthinks everything about what happened, what to do next and what the possibilities are.
How about you give yourself a rest. For right now, the ONLY thing you do know that is factual…is that it’s over. Everything else is unknown. Let yourself rest and have closure in the facts…it’s over. Feel into that, work with all the emotions that come up about that first. Allow yourself to deal with the loss, the hurt, the changes in your mindset and whatever else comes up. THEN you can take the next step. The more you allow yourself to accept what is and stop trying to interpret what he thinks or feels, the more peaceful you will feel inside, the more clarity you will have and then you can decide if you want to be friends or not. But until you deal with the ending, everything else will be jaded, you will stay confused, you will spend all your mental energy looping round and round analyzing his behavior and you will stay stuck in the trap.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Huyen,
Checkin in on you again. We are here for ya! Let us know how you are and what’s going on for you.
Heidi
Oh goodness! I wonder what happened!!!
I would try to call him and if he picks up, just ask him what he meant by that text. You can say “I’m so confused. I don’t understand what your text meant. Can you explain it to me? I’d like to understand.”
If you call and he doesn’t pick up, you can leave a voice saying something of that nature. Wait a bit and then you can text him.
How does this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Becky,
Thank you for sharing all of this!
You guys had such a wonderful connection and it sounded so nourishing and wonderful. That kind of love is darn powerful. It’s normal to question your decision and hope that he comes back and fights for you. I sure hope he does. I have no doubt the pain of the loss of you in his life will be quite impactful, but now the real test is active….would he rather stay in that pain and suffering and does he has so much low self-esteem that it will stop him from fighting for more in his life….or will he finally get off his ass and let his connection and love for you win. He has quite the battle to face right now.
I love everything you are learning. There are soooooo many perspectives to view a relationship through. Here are a few other amazing resources for you:
You are on a journey of growth and healing right now as you deal with this loss. What kinds of techniques or skills do you have to help you through this? You not feeling anything as you drove by his house, may be more about your subconscious walls going up and going numb as a coping mechanism vs. feeling resolved. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jamie!
I love that you came here to vent! It’s great to get ALL your feelings out and give them a voice in a safe place.
I used to be highly involved in the athletic world, so what you are experiencing is quite normal. It really is the only way to stay in the industry. It requires a TON of hours, high drive and constantly being on top of things to make sure they run smoothly. Football is an especially intense sport that has a very high demand, but it sounds like he is doing really well!
You wanting more time with him, is normal as well. Wanting to go out on dates is a good thing! I also understand him being too tired though. When you work with athletes and as a trainer (which I also do) it takes everything out of ya most of the time. It’s constant talking, coaching and motivating, which requires an insane amount of energy. So at the end of the day, making the effort to go out on a date feels like too much. Sleeping and resting and doing nothing each night and on the weekends is how you restore and regenenerate. My suggestion is…find out what really fills him up and plan dates doing things that require little effort. For example, he may LOVE comedy, so find comedy shows to go to. He may LOVE nature, so find ways to play in nature…maybe hikes, sports etc. Maybe he loves movies, so find movies to go to. Here are some other tips. Plan dates in advance so he can keep his energy up at the end of his day for the date. Your best bet to get him out is to go straight from work and don’t have him go home first. It will help him keep his energy up. Also make the dates short. Long nights after work are tough. Even if you plan to go get an ice cream and go for an easy walk, then head home, that works!!!
As far as you feeling scared about being enough for him, this is great!!! It is showing you the places that you feel insecure, which is such a wonderful opportunity to work on yourself! Personally, if I don’t feel insecure and intimidated by a guy, I know it won’t last. I have such a strong personality and high confidence, so if a guy can make me feel insecure and intimidated, I LOVE it because I know he has to be a quite the catch to activate those things in me. So how do you plan on dealing those feelings?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Heidi – Love your name 🙂
Welcome! You are asking a great question! Let’s explore this further, because I imagine there are a lot of layers to your situation.
What EXACTLY are you feeling insecure about when it comes to his ex wife?
What is his and his ex’s relationship like? Why did he lie to her? What is he afraid of?
How long have you guys been dating?
When he talks about his ex every 3rd time, what is it about?Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Heidi
