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Hi Faith,
You keep circling round and round trying to guess and understand and interpret all that he is doing/saying. This is a pretty common trap people get wrapped in. The thing is, you CANNOT know what he is really doing or feeling. Trying to play the guessing game and spending so much energy wondering “why” is more about you trying to control the situation and make sense of it, because you are hurting and wanting to get out of pain. So your brain overanalyzes, overworks and overthinks everything about what happened, what to do next and what the possibilities are.
How about you give yourself a rest. For right now, the ONLY thing you do know that is factual…is that it’s over. Everything else is unknown. Let yourself rest and have closure in the facts…it’s over. Feel into that, work with all the emotions that come up about that first. Allow yourself to deal with the loss, the hurt, the changes in your mindset and whatever else comes up. THEN you can take the next step. The more you allow yourself to accept what is and stop trying to interpret what he thinks or feels, the more peaceful you will feel inside, the more clarity you will have and then you can decide if you want to be friends or not. But until you deal with the ending, everything else will be jaded, you will stay confused, you will spend all your mental energy looping round and round analyzing his behavior and you will stay stuck in the trap.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Huyen,
Checkin in on you again. We are here for ya! Let us know how you are and what’s going on for you.
Heidi
Oh goodness! I wonder what happened!!!
I would try to call him and if he picks up, just ask him what he meant by that text. You can say “I’m so confused. I don’t understand what your text meant. Can you explain it to me? I’d like to understand.”
If you call and he doesn’t pick up, you can leave a voice saying something of that nature. Wait a bit and then you can text him.
How does this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Becky,
Thank you for sharing all of this!
You guys had such a wonderful connection and it sounded so nourishing and wonderful. That kind of love is darn powerful. It’s normal to question your decision and hope that he comes back and fights for you. I sure hope he does. I have no doubt the pain of the loss of you in his life will be quite impactful, but now the real test is active….would he rather stay in that pain and suffering and does he has so much low self-esteem that it will stop him from fighting for more in his life….or will he finally get off his ass and let his connection and love for you win. He has quite the battle to face right now.
I love everything you are learning. There are soooooo many perspectives to view a relationship through. Here are a few other amazing resources for you:
You are on a journey of growth and healing right now as you deal with this loss. What kinds of techniques or skills do you have to help you through this? You not feeling anything as you drove by his house, may be more about your subconscious walls going up and going numb as a coping mechanism vs. feeling resolved. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jamie!
I love that you came here to vent! It’s great to get ALL your feelings out and give them a voice in a safe place.
I used to be highly involved in the athletic world, so what you are experiencing is quite normal. It really is the only way to stay in the industry. It requires a TON of hours, high drive and constantly being on top of things to make sure they run smoothly. Football is an especially intense sport that has a very high demand, but it sounds like he is doing really well!
You wanting more time with him, is normal as well. Wanting to go out on dates is a good thing! I also understand him being too tired though. When you work with athletes and as a trainer (which I also do) it takes everything out of ya most of the time. It’s constant talking, coaching and motivating, which requires an insane amount of energy. So at the end of the day, making the effort to go out on a date feels like too much. Sleeping and resting and doing nothing each night and on the weekends is how you restore and regenenerate. My suggestion is…find out what really fills him up and plan dates doing things that require little effort. For example, he may LOVE comedy, so find comedy shows to go to. He may LOVE nature, so find ways to play in nature…maybe hikes, sports etc. Maybe he loves movies, so find movies to go to. Here are some other tips. Plan dates in advance so he can keep his energy up at the end of his day for the date. Your best bet to get him out is to go straight from work and don’t have him go home first. It will help him keep his energy up. Also make the dates short. Long nights after work are tough. Even if you plan to go get an ice cream and go for an easy walk, then head home, that works!!!
As far as you feeling scared about being enough for him, this is great!!! It is showing you the places that you feel insecure, which is such a wonderful opportunity to work on yourself! Personally, if I don’t feel insecure and intimidated by a guy, I know it won’t last. I have such a strong personality and high confidence, so if a guy can make me feel insecure and intimidated, I LOVE it because I know he has to be a quite the catch to activate those things in me. So how do you plan on dealing those feelings?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Heidi – Love your name 🙂
Welcome! You are asking a great question! Let’s explore this further, because I imagine there are a lot of layers to your situation.
What EXACTLY are you feeling insecure about when it comes to his ex wife?
What is his and his ex’s relationship like? Why did he lie to her? What is he afraid of?
How long have you guys been dating?
When he talks about his ex every 3rd time, what is it about?Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your story with us!!! It’s so interesting that you guys have stayed in touch for this long, never having met before. I’m curious, how did you guys meet in the first place?
I understand your concern about staying connected amidst all the challenges that have recently shown up. Women tend to get SUPER stressed and worried when the level of connection changes. It sounds like you guys are still connecting, but maybe just not as much. I imagine with everything he is dealing with, his capacity and time to connect may just be more limited at this time. Losing a parent and then having to take care of another parent turns a person’s world completely upside down. He is having to literally reshape his identity and his life. Have some patience. It’s not unusual for a guy to a withdraw a bit and go in his “cave” to manage the stressors in his life. One of the best things you can do is NOT push for more connection, but instead be super supportive. A man who is in his cave will come out much sooner if he is left alone. As a partner, your job is to just keep checking in, offering support and helping wherever you can. If you express worry or concern about the relationship, it just adds to his stress and will make him want to retreat and stay in the cave longer.
Being that he is going through a very intense time in his life right now, what kinds of things can you do to support him? There are so many creative things you can do for him, even though he is far away.
Heidi
Rhonda, you are doing such a great job grounding in the truth and God and keeping your head up, despite the uncertainty of your future. I really am proud of you. It’s not easy what you are going through. I have no doubt you will be provided for, but it sure is a challenge not knowing how and when and where that will happen.
Being gracious as a 2nd place winner says a lot about someone doesn’t it?? It definitely is a quality to look for in a guy!
Heidi
Ooooohh!!! This makes sense. I understand now. Well….I have to say….I will be holding the vision for you to find a company to work for that will truly value you and appreciate you and feel you are irreplaceable!!! Any company that puts money over people in the way you are talking about, is not a company you want to be connected with anyways. Yuk!! You are so much more valuable all the money in the world!
I didn’t say tap dancing…lol! But I gotta tell ya, the fact that you remember it that way put a big smile on my face!!! I love it!!!
I love that you at least keep getting on the treadmill. Keeping the movement and exercise going is really important! Well done Rhonda. One day at a time.
Heidi
Oh! Yes, the timeframe is important. I would wait 2 weeks. He needs to feel your absence in his life and he needs to feel like you are truly respecting his request for space. If you text too soon, he will interpret that as you being pushy or needy and not holding up to the agreement.
When you do send a pic or video, make sure to send a little text with it, similar to what I wrote above. Simple, short and sweet and something that doesn’t require him to respond.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Oh Rebecca,
I am sooooo so sorry! I know you are deeply hurting right now. He is letting his fear get in the way of a beautiful love and connection and that is just so heartbreaking. I know you will be crying and your heart will be hurting for a while.
I hope he responds sooner than later to maybe bring some closure from his end. I know you didn’t want to end things this way, but it took great strength to really fight for what you need in your life. His behavior is childish and full of fear and he was not being a good partner. You did everything you could and you finally reached your limit. You needed some closure and you honored that. Well done! You fought for yourself and that always is a beautiful and very important act of self-love.
As far as him deleting photos and videos of you, I would invite you to let that go. He gets to do what he wants with those things. Besides, if he chooses to hold onto those memories of you guys as a couple, it might actually bring him back to you, as he remembers how amazing it was to be with you and how much love and care was exchanged. Is that a request you might be willing to release?
What are you doing right now to care for yourself???
Heidi
Hi Faith,
I know Spyce has been helping you through this. Isn’t she amazing??
I just thought I’d pop in with this last question. I get the awkwardness you are worried about when you see him again.
It’s a simple truth that you need to connect to. When YOU are comfortable within yourself, the people around will be as well. When you are able to completely let go of what happened, then there is nothing inside of you to feel awkward. Truth is, we are human and we all make mistakes and do embarrassing things and it’s just normal. We all get hurt and are misunderstood. When we are able to forgive ourselves and others for being human and messy and completely release it, all is right with the world. So the goal is for you to let go of the negative energy, thoughts, feelings and release them and then love yourself – even your messiness – and hopefully even chuckle about it one day….then you will just be your beautiful self whenever you run into him. He is going to be whoever he is and it will all work out as it’s supposed to. It may be awkward for a few times, but it will work itself out. What matters most is how you feel about yourself when you are around him. As long as you stay connected to your amazingness, stay grounded in your confidence and be okay with whatever shows up each time, it’s all good! No need to avoid him, no need to pretend, no need to be anything other than who you authentically are each moment. That takes great strength and courage, because sometimes those moments where we are being ourselves, are not so pretty. So what! It’s just part of life and it’s all okay. No one is dying, the world is ending because we are being messy. It’s all fixable and moldable and changeable. A woman who can love herself in that way, be present and authentic in every moment…is a woman who truly impacts this world and the people around her. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine seeing him and feeling confident, centered, grounded and empowered??? Imagine feeling like all is good. Imagine feeling like whatever happened, it’s in the past. Today is a new day to create new experiences and you have the power to create whatever you want. Hold that energy within you!!!
Does this help?
Heidi
HI Angela,
I’m glad to hear you are deciding to open the door to having other experiences. I know this must be hard for you.
He may say he is done with online sites, but honestly, I wouldn’t trust a darn thing this guy says. He is too deep into that world to stop his behaviors. Besides, he doesn’t see anything “wrong” with it and that’s okay. He gets to feel that way, but it is not aligned with what you are wanting, so it’s best to move on and connect with someone who is on the same page as you.
I know it will be hard, but your best bet is to close the door completely to this guy. Really spend these next few months letting him go before May. Instead of thinking “we will see what happens” how about really creating closure and saying, “he cannot and does not want to offer me what I need. The door is closed. It’s over.” As long as you keep the door open to him, you won’t ever fully resolve inside. Your energy will be split, which means you are not truly available or open to a new experience. Just something to think about.
heidi
Okay great! It sounds like there was some pretty good closure. He opened up and told you the full story and you just listened. Well done! So I’m thinking that the text above I created, might do the trick in a few weeks.
In the meantime, can you send him some super short funny videos or articles or things that you could say “I saw this and thought of you. It cracked me up!”
What do you think?
Heidi
Thanks for sharing. Let’s work with your fear, because it will definitely ruin things between you guys. Our fears need to faced and dealt with personally and are not meant for others to alleviate for us. So let’s work through this together and see if we can get you to a place a complete peace with things, just as they are.
You are scared to get hurt again. Of course you are! I don’t know a human being alive that isn’t afraid to get hurt. It completely sucks!! So being that this is a very normal and forever kind of fear, it’s important for you to know how to work with it. One of the biggest ways to deal with fear when it comes up, is to talk to that part of yourself that is holding that fear. Imagine that part of yourself as a little girl and you are the parent. If she were to come up to you as say, a 5 year old and says to you “Mommy, I’m scared he is going to run away and stop loving me” what would you say to her as a parent?
The first thing I hope you would do is just love her and hold her and talk with her about her fears. Ask a few questions like “tell me more about that. How come you are so afraid? What are you afraid will happen to you? What’s the worst thing you think would happen?” and then you fill her up with the truth “It’s okay that you afraid. It doesn’t feel good to be hurt. But you know what? No matter what happens, I am here with you. You are not alone and I will always love you. We are partners and we can get through anything together. Even if he did decide to go away, I know it would hurt for awhile, but you and I together will get through it and we will be okay. I promise. We have people that will help us, we have all kinds of things we will do to help us heal and I promise we will laugh and we will love again. We will be okay.”
There is a really powerful exercise called left/right handwriting. Your non-dominant hand represents your little girl voice and your dominant hand represents your adult voice. Have a conversation with her through writing. It’s really spectacular because when you write with your non-dominant hand, you really do feel like a child trying to write. So you keep switching the pen back and forth between hands, having a connecting and conversation with the part of you holding onto the fears and hurts. You want to make sure that you as the adult, DO NOT respond with trying to fix your feelings with logic. REMEMBER you are talking to a CHILD like part of yourself, so your responses only need to be about validating, comforting and reminding her of the truth that she is held by YOU, loved by YOU, supported by YOU, seen by YOU, cared about by YOU – even when others are not choosing her.
This is the truth you need to be showering yourself with daily! Because it is a reality that he could hurt you again and leave. We don’t have control over what others will do…ever. So being that it is a risk to open your heart and be vulnerable and love…that also means that you stay connected to the truth that you also love yourself and no matter what hurt shows up, you are going to choose love for yourself and not give your power away by letting him, or anyone else define your value. You are loveable and valuable and worth fighting for, whether he chooses you are not.
Oh! And when I do my left/right handwriting, I personally like to use GIANT crayons on really big paper. I like to get creative. You can go to a craft store and let that little girl energy pick out what she would like to write to you with. It’s really fun!
And lastly, you how about switching your mindset a bit. You say you want things to go back to how they used to be. How about letting go of the past and keeping your eyes forward. How about imagining that you guys have a clean slate and you are building something EVEN BETTER! You are taking it slow, getting to know each other, having some fun, figuring each other out, bit by bit and all of that is building a BRAND NEW foundation that is going to be stronger than it was before. No need to rush. This part of the process is important. You think that those pet names and the I love you’s means you are in the safe zone somehow and that he is 100% in. Truth is, that is NEVER true. Truth is, love or not, pet names or not, he could leave at anytime, just like you could. That is true for any and all relationships, so it’s important to keep focused on the present, paying attention to all the little details and being in gratitude about what you have RIGHT NOW. Right now, you have way more than you did a few months ago. LOVE that, appreciate it. With your attention focused on what is not present, like the pet names, you are missing what IS there and missing the beauty of what IS there.
Thoughts?
Heidi
