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Hi Maria,
It sounds like he is not really motivated to move forward into something at this point. I imagine, being that you guys have a history, that it wouldn’t really be a light, easy dating experience like it would be with someone brand new. He may feel that if he goes on a date with you, he is opening the possibility for a deeper connection. That may be something he is not ready for. With a dating app, he can have all kinds of hookups with no strings attached whenever he has time. This is just a guess of course.
He keeps using work as an excuse, which it may be valid or not. Who knows. What you DO know is that he has canceled 2 or 3x times now. Here is just a general rule of thumb: Once is just once. 2x is a weak pattern and 3x is a strong pattern. This is important to pay attention to because 2 or 3 occurrences of the same thing (especially all in a row) means he is going to do it again. The reason why he cancels doesn’t matter. What you are seeing is that he is not following through on his word. That is about integrity. He KNOWS his schedule. He KNOWS when he gets off work and when his days off are. If he has no time and is so busy, why go on a dating app then? If he doesn’t have time, then he is a workaholic, which means he is not available for dating or a relationship anyways. My point being, is that you are making excuses for him and you haven’t even gone on a date with him yet. I would say it’s not the best start. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Hi Wendy,
There is a lot of important things you have shared and I want to go through it bit by bit.
I am so afraid that he may get fed up with me and I would lose him. It’s so important to face our fears. It’s the only way to get control over our emotions. If you really dig deep into your fear of losing him, you will find some kind of story you have created. Fear is about the future. Fear is a feeling we create around a made up story…something that hasn’t even happened yet! So it’s time for you to imagine fear as a part of you, imagine sitting down to dinner and having a conversation with yourself. What’s the story you have created? Why did you choose this particular story? What’s the worst that you imagine happening? What you said here is what is driving your fear, so it will help you connect to that REAL REASON why you are afraid: I guess it comes from being betrayed by my then husband and it went on from there. I never felt that I was good enough or pretty enough. During my youth I lack self confidence and it made shy away from a lot of things. I still am not sure how I got married in the first place.
The thing is, when someone doesn’t have a STRONG internal love, they will rely on outside sources to feel loved. There is nothing wrong with using outside sources for validation or love, but when it becomes the dominant/main source for feeling confident and valuable, fear of losing that source becomes soooooo big! The real truth is, if you lose him, YOU WILL BE OKAY!!! You have been single for 15 years. You KNOW that you are okay without a man in your life…yes?He is the only man who has ever made me feel so special when he is around. Let me give you a scenario. Imagine that you had MANY men, all throughout your life, tell you how special you are, how beautiful you are and made you feel special and like a queen. Would he really be that special to you? Probably not. It’s like you have been in a desert without water for soooo long and all of a sudden, a guy comes up to you and offers you water. You drink it instantly and make him the hero, without really looking at what was in the water. You didn’t look to even see if the water was clean. All you know is that you got some water and this guy gave it to you and he saved you. But if you were walking in the desert with a full supply of water all of the time, the guy that offered you the water would not be your hero and rescuer, but instead a regular guy on your journey. You have been soooo starved for love and connection, yes? I know you have done a ton of healing work, which is amazing! Now you have another level that it’s time to face. I want to encourage you to invite a man into your life from what I call a “love abundance” mindset. Meaning…you have so much love flowing in and out of your life (sourced by you), that you don’t “need” a man to fill you up. If a guy comes and offers you a drink of water, you can take or leave it. You don’t need it though, because you already have an infinite supply of water. From this mindset and way of living, you are able to see each person (friend or lover) from a place of clarity vs. a place of scarcity. Right now and the way you are talking and how you view him, you are coming from a place of scarcity. That’s why this fear exists. It has nothing to do with him. It has to do with YOU not being your own source of love and knowing, in every cell of your being, that you are going to be totally okay without him. If you knew that, through and through, you would have control over your fear and instead of your fear controlling you. I’m not saying you won’t be afraid. It’s normal and natural to be afraid, but it’s an empowered woman who takes control of her fear by facing it. It’s a victimized woman who let’s her fear run the show. Which one do you want to be?
Before he was known as a womanizer. I do want to trust him, how do I deal with this before it gets out of hand. I believe that he loves me because as you say he keeps coming back but what if it is only for sex. He makes sure that he takes care of my needs before he allow his to be met. He is not a selfish lover. Here is another perspective about trust. Instead of putting your trust in him, take it back and trust in yourself. The reality is, in ANY relationship, trust will be broken. It’s normal, it’s natural, it’s part of being human. When the trust is broken in the relationship, you need to be able to fall back onto the trust you carry within yourself. That trust says “No matter what he does, I trust MYSELF that I am resilient, resourceful and I know how to heal. I trust MYSELF that I will be okay.” That’s the foundation you build everything else off of. So instead of focusing on trusting others, you need to start building trust within yourself first and foremost. If you keep focusing on “other” you will spend the rest of your life letting fear consume you. You will never find peace in any relationship, because the issue is within you and you will carry it with you always, into every relationship. And FYI…if he is/was a womanizer, there is an underlying lack of respect he will ALWAYS have towards women. Just because he keeps coming back, DOES NOT mean he loves you. A womanizer KNOWS that he waits for the woman to finish first before he has his pleasure, because otherwise he won’t get invited back. He’s an experienced lover Wendy. None of these things have any meaning towards love.
He tells me stop stressing over things. I text him my worries and fears, he reads but he doesn’t respond. I wish he would text me back so I would know what is going on in his mind. What worries and fears are you texting him? This is basically you reaching out to him and wanting HIM to fix YOUR fears. That’s your job, not his.
There is someone else who cares about me, I care about him too but I am so in love with this one. My other friend can probably provide me with material things and so on but he is not my neighbor. I guess I could be contented if I had to choose him but I would always wonder about my being with my neighbor.
this is a lot and I am confused. Again, you are considering this man, just because he is choosing you. You get to do something like that, but if you are looking for passion and love, it starts with you loving yourself first and foremost and facing your fears. This guy that wants to give you everything deserves to have that returned to him. Maybe consider saying “no” since you do not feel that way towards him and give him the gift of freeing him up to search elsewhere for someone who feels the same in return. Just a thought.I know this is a lot that I shared, but it essentially, I’m saying the same exact thing, just in different ways. It’s time to start loving yourself more and to face your fear.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
It is strange isn’t it, when you find yourself crying over a guy who treated you with quite a lot of disrespect and harmful words. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon, especially for women.
So you think i suffer because of my past, not because of me being confused from his changing of affirmations and rude, painful words? Yes. Someone who has strong, inner self-esteem would have walked away the very first time it happened. An emotionally healthy person DOES NOT tolerate mis-treatment on any level, regardless of the connection they may feel for someone. Not to say it would be an easy thing for them, but ultimately, they are so connected to their inner wisdom and inner love that they choose themselves over a connection that is not healthy and nourishing. The reason you stayed connected as long as you did is because you are used to being criticized. Even though it hurts every time, you are used to it because your mother has taught you to be used to it. Your psyche would have paired love and criticism together. Meaning, deep deep deep down, there is most likely a part of you that doesn’t know love without criticism. And being that your mom is still in your life and criticizing you, it just keeps getting reinforced over and over and over again. Us humans, we are always attracted to what we know, what we are comfortable with and what is familiar. The same is true when picking out romantic partners. We will pick a partner that keeps us in that familiar zone. You are used to being criticized, so he was the perfect guy to match that energy you carry. By the way, none of this is a conscious choice. It’s coming from your subconscious mind. For Our subconscious beliefs and programs are what has the BIGGEST influence into who we attract as a partner. The way that you know what lives in your subconscious what your deeply rooted beliefs are, is to look at the patterns in your life.
So let’s explore this a bit. What would you say are the common traits of all the men you have attracted into your life romantically. Your mom said you always choose men that aren’t good. Is this true? Are they always emotionally unavailable in some way? Do they tend to be critical? Do they play games? ARe they afraid of commitment?
What about your father. What is your relationship like with your father? That also has a STRONG STRONG influence into a woman’s life and the kind of man she chooses to connect with.
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and we will help in any way that is possible. Your story is actually not an uncommon one for your age. You guys are 19 or 20ish, yes?
but relationships are complicated Relationships don’t have to be hard or complicated. I know PLENTY of relationships where everything is pretty easy and great most of the time. Of course, there are hard times, but not often. How hard or complicated a relationship is, directly depends on how complicated the people are. Know that you have COMPLETE choice and control in the type of relationship you want to participate in! People who believe relationships are complicated or hard attract exactly that, so I would hate to see you head down that path of a false belief.
I know you are still quite young and don’t have a lot of experience, but I’m wondering if you notice if it’s a pattern of yours to become “deeply attached” quickly. For you to be deeply attached to anyone only after a month, is something of a “caution” flag. Getting to know someone and giving them your heart takes time. Over time, you see the different sides of a person, you see how they treat you when they are stressed, you see how they treat others while out and about and you see ALL of these things over and over and over again so you begin to see patterns. This information is so crucial so you know whether or not you are fundamentally safe to open up to someone. I always coach people to choose who they give their heart to, based on how the other person treats them under stress. Meaning, when you see your guy at his very worst…when he is stressed, angry, hurt, feeling rejected etc. you see that he is still respectful. He doesn’t become abusive or harmful towards himself, you or others. He doesn’t ghost and stonewall and run away, he actually stays and works through things. When you KNOW and have seen and experienced the worst side of someone and can feel safe…then that person is someone who you can go deep with and know that the foundation of the relationship is workable and strong. Just something to think about in the future.
My point though, is that you barely know this guy. You may have seen him a lot in high school, but you have only known him romanticly for a month. That is such a short amount of time to feel “deeply attached.” Part of what I’m wondering is that he may have felt that “deep” attachment from you.How about you share some details about your interactions. Were you saying I love you at all? Were you super responsive to him all the time? Did you text him a lot? Did you guys do everything together? What percentage was he initiating contact and making plans compared to you initiating?
Heidi
I have an idea. If you still want to celebrate the “anniversary” how about making it a celebration of 1 more year that he has improved your life…or something to that affect. And you can even say something like “WE have a 3 year anniversary today, but I’d like to celebrate it a bit differently. Instead of celebrating another year together, how about we just honor 1 more year of growth. We both have been through a lot this year, both as individuals and as a couple, so celebrating our resilience and that we are still hear, growing and figuring it out…that seems like a good thing to celebrate.”
Does this concept make sense? Just an idea 🙂
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
It sounds like things are going so great!!! I love hearing this! It sounds like he is opening more and more. I know it’s not to the level that you want, but it is heading in that direction.
Maybe it’s time to have a conversation about the breakup. It is a big elephant in the room. There is a way to approach it where he doesn’t have to feel a lot of pressure. What if you got all dolled up, you guys when somewhere nice to eat and then you open the conversation. You can say something to the effect of “You know, having that period of a breakup was awful for me. Since we have been re-connecting, it has made me appreciate you even more. I just want to check in. I have been really conscious about trying to express more of my feelings to you etc. (just mention exactly what you are working on trying to improve because of what he expressed he needed) and I want to see how it feels for you. Do you feel like I have gotten better? Do you feel like you would like to see more of it? My heart’s desire is to be a really good partner for you. Is there anything else you feel you would like from me? Is there anything you feel you really like that I am doing and want me to continue?”
So it’s a conversation about the PRESENT and not about the future. You want to get the lay of the land in his mind. You want to have a curious energy so you can learn about him.
What do you think about this?
Oh! I love that you want to surprise him with lunch. Can you do that just because and not get attached to doing anything specific about the anniversary? That might make him feel more pressure than he is ready for. I”m not sure , but it’s better to be on the safer side at this point.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Faith,
I suggest not texting any further. You said what you needed to say and now the ball is in his court. If you truly want to not react or make him feel like you want a relationship, then just let it be. All he wants is sex from you, that’s it. He doesn’t want all the over explaining, all the texting, all the extra communication. Let it go.
If he was drunk, then oh well. He will reach out again if he wants to have sex. Reality is I didn’t need to be thrown in such circles. Reality is, he didn’t throw you in any circles. YOU JOINED HIM! You could have easily stopped all of it by just not participating. You joined because you wanted to. You had your own circles happening inside your head wondering what he was thinking and why he was acting the way he was. So you are just as much a creator in all of this as he is.
Does it feel okay for you to not text him anymore and just let it go? Are you able to allow yourself to just be used for sex and nothing more?
Heidi
Oh man Sandy! I’m so sorry you are dealing with pneumonia! Are you starting to heal?? That’s awful!
he claims he’s giving himself to many women but it’s not done anything good for him, A guy who builds his life like this is not really interested in falling in love. He may love a woman for a period of time, but falling “in love” is a completely different level that he most likely will never allow himself to go to. He will only go so far when it comes to attaching himself to a woman. It sounds like he is complete and feels he wants to let you go. He most likely wants to return to his many women scenario and not deal with getting closer and the challenges it presents. It’s easy to manage and detach from women who are just connected to him on the surface.
but I’m not all women as I’ve told him, which still doesn’t do much any good I’m definitely in love with this man, I just don’t know what else to do or say, He has told you to leave him alone, so it’s important to honor his boundary. You may not be like “all women” but he doesn’t care. He is not interested in having a deeper experience with you. You hit his wall. He gave you all he had and now he doesn’t want to give more. It’s not about you saying or doing anything differently, because the issue is within HIM. HE is the one who needs to change. He is the captain driving his boat and he gets to drive it where he wants. You cannot, as the passenger, tell him where to go. Where you want him to go, is somewhere he is not wanting to go, plain and simple.
I’m sorry he has closed the door. It’s best for you to close the door as well and say goodbye to the love you feel. I know this is not what you want to hear. I’m so so sorry.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
Thank you for the update!
Holy smokes, you were breastfeeding when you met him? I didn’t realize you had a child that small. Is that your only child, or do you have more? Is the baby daddy involved and helpful? I hope so.
You cried because what he is triggering in you, comes from your past. Whenever we have REALLY big reactions to something that isn’t healthy for us, it’s because it is triggering something from our past. So your emotions are about losing him AND about other hurts you have been carrying for many, many years. Yes, you cried after a guy who wasn’t able to truly connect to the depth and beauty that you are inside and out. I can’t remember what you said, but I do remember we talked about your past and you did have parents, I think, who made you feel neglected or something. Am I remembering correctly? That would be why you felt/feel so devastated. I’m sooooo glad you have cried. And now you look in the mirror and feel how beautiful you are again. That’s so very important!
How are you feeling today? Is there still a part of you that wants him back? Or do you feel really resolved? I know you have completely disconnected and blocked him, but what about your heart?
Heidi
Hey there….it’s been a few weeks. I imagine a lot has happened, so I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Any updates? What’s happening?
Heidi
Hi Sandy,
Just thought I’d check in and see how you are doing. What happening? Any new updates?
Heidi
Hi Fung,
I’m wondering…you have a pattern of choosing to step into relationships with guys you are actually not interested. And then the ones you are interested in, you sabotage it. What do you think this pattern is about? Is this something you have explored about yourself yet?
Heidi
Hi Faith,
I’m glad you are feeling more peaceful about the situation. Again, I want to circle you back around to forgiving him for being limited and human self. It hurt you and that sucks, but more importantly, it gives you the opportunity to recognize he has baggage and wounds and that’s no different than you. Forgiving him allows you to accept, understand and have compassion for his humanness. Is that something you are willing to do? When you can do this, it will just be natural and easy when you guys interact. You won’t have a need to punish him or ignore him and you will just be your natural self. However, he responds is his journey. All you are responsible for and held accountable for is yourself. Does this make sense?
Why are men like this? First, there are plenty of men that are not like this. But in order for you to understand on a deeper level, how about you answer this…why do you cheat on your boyfriend? The answer to this question will lead into your answer as to why he behaved in the way that he did. So first answer the question and I can help you connect the dots.
I’ll tell ya, one of the most powerful ways to understand someone else’s behaviors, is to understand yourself first. Fundatmentally, we are all the same. We ALL have a response to rejection, abandonment, trauma, deceit etc. So once you get yourself, you will understand others, even without them saying a word. That’s why Spyce and I are able to help people with just a little information. We have worked deeply within ourselves first, which then allows us to understand the general dynamics at play with very little information.
Hope this helps a little!
Heidi
Hi Dee,
Thank you for everything you shared. You have been on a serious rollercoaster ride and I imagine you are completely exhausted!!! It’s obvious you guys have a very powerful connection and it’s so incredibly hard to come across something like that and not be able to freely explore it’s potential. Of course you are depressed! Have you considered finding a therapist or coach to help you through this specific situation on a weekly basis??
I’m going to say something that I know will not be what you want to hear. He is NOT available for you. He is spot on with wanting to take some time for himself and figure out how he feels. He is one messy guy and ending a long marriage makes everything even messier. Despite the fact that he is unhappy, it’s still 20 years of investment and bonding with another person. It’s going to take quite a while for him to figure out who he is, separate from her. Your hopes of him hopping out of this marriage and instantly into a relationship with you, no matter how amazing and connected you guys are, you will also be in relationship with his current wife. She is in his mind and heart and she will stay there until he really deals with releasing her completely and going through the steps of loss and grief. He cannot offer you what you want. I’m so sorry! I wish there was something different to say, but this is just the truth. He has communicated to you SEVERAL times through directly saying it and through his ghosting behavior…he cannot offer you what you want. He is not available.
Let’s talk about this statement: I am in my mid-forties and TERRIFIED that I will never get married. This is interesting. What is this about? What are you terrified of? I’m wondering what marriage means to you. Would you mind sharing what you believe marriage will bring into your life?
Heidi
Oh! I thought of a fun question you can ask him!
“Wow! It sounds like you have a really interesting life. I love love love the outdoors and travel as well. In your travels, what is the most interesting or strange food or meal you have ever eaten? p.s. you have a great smile!” How do you feel about this approach?
That’s a fun and unusual question….just another option for ya.
