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Hi Samantha,
Welcome to the forum! You are asking a pretty common question actually. It’s sooo sad how frequently ghosting happens. I’m glad you at least got an answer from him about how he felt. Many times people don’t even get that.
Now what? Well, you obviously felt the connection was unbelievable, but that was not his experience. He said he felt you were needy. Can you see how that would come across? Can you see why he might have felt that way? Have you ever heard that from other guys in that past?
Heidi
Hi Taila,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing so much detail! It makes it much easier for us to understand how to best guide you.
You are really dealing with something quite complicated with a lot of layers that I imagine both of you are having trouble understanding. It’s very hard what you are going through. Let’s see if we can find a way to get you guys back on track.
First, do either of you take medication for depression? I’m just trying to gauge how much depression is in either of your lives.
First, it’s important to understand that you guys are still really getting to know each other and already, what you guys have been through is A LOT considering it’s only been 7 months. You actually have a really great perspective and I truly commend you with you are handling everything! He is definitely very lucky to have someone who is not doing everything she possibly can to control him. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you express your feelings and also express that you cannot tell him what to do. That is the truth. He gets to do be and whoever he wants and from those decisions, it gives you information about him…and vice versa. It’s a forever process. Even after 50 years of being together, you will know everything about your partner and you will know nothing. It’s a constant learning process and daily choice about how you want to interact with someone, considering their choices and behaviors.
I’m going to address the ex-girlfriend thing. He obviously gets to do what he wants, but there definitely is a part of him that is either in denial or lying to you. From everything you shared, from the very beginning, he has a part of himself that definitely has feelings for her. That’s obvious. From the things you are saying that he said to you, he is clearly still struggling to let her go romantically. He says they are just friends and all they talk about is surface stuff, yet he will also turn around and question why they broke up and question whether he should give it another go. Those types of questions don’t come up for people that are resolved and have closed the door. His actions are NOT aligning up with his words, so OF COURSE you are concerned and feeling some jealousy. He is not completely over her yet. There IS something happening between them. There IS some kind of bonding that is occurring. Who knows what kind of bond, but it’s obvious it’s something that is not appropriate when he is committed to you. And now it’s moving into him wanting to meet up with her, despite what you guys had talked about a week prior. He is definitely confused.
He is split. He has 1 part of him really invested and connected to you. He also has another part of him being sourced by his ex and that is slowly growing. I doubt that the conversations don’t have meaning. They were together for 5 years. Who talks to someone several times a week anyway if it’s all meaningless “how are you” type of stuff? If it were an occasional connection, an occasional lunch, an occasional conversation, that is something more normal and appropriate. Besides, he has already mentioned a few times that he starts to doubt their breakup. sometimes still wonders maybe he’s not over his ex and wonders why they broke up and if he cares for her.
This is not a guy who is clear about what he wants and needs. I have no doubt at all that he loves you and is bonded to you, but I also have no doubt that he hasn’t cleared her out his system completely and is bringing slowly back into his life.So here is the thing…you cannot tell him what to do and you already know that. All you can do in any relationship, is be VERY CLEAR about what you need for yourself in order to feel balanced and good about the relationship. You put those cards on the table and then your partner gets to decide is he wants to pick up those cards or leave them on the table. You then get to decide what your willing to compromise. If he doesn’t pick up some of your cards, you have to be clear if that is okay for you. You need to decide is those specific cards can be re-negotiated, taken off the table completely or visited again at a future date.
Is this a deal breaker for you? Is him starting to hang out with his ex a line you will draw in the sand? This is what YOU need to get clear about. Your guy definitely has some serious choices to make and needs some help. He is confused, his depression is controlling him and he is not truly clear about being your boyfriend. Whether it’s because of his ex or his own messed up relationship with love, who knows. What you DO know is that he is wishy washy and he is not picking up the card you laid down about not visiting with the ex. You have communicated how uncomfortable this relationship makes you feel and instead of really listening and caring about his relationship with YOU….he is instead heading in the opposite direction and growing the relationship with her.
I know you guys have had some amazingly deep and wonderful moments and times together, but he is not able to sustain those and support those. Instead he is sabotaging.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
He’s like a drug to me. When I am with him nothing else in the world bothers me and I feel so important and cared for… I totally get this. You actually are getting a mix of chemicals that give you these feelings and it totally IS a drug that every single person would want to keep getting doses of. It’s beautiful!!! It’s powerful, it’s magical, it’s healing, it’s soooo many amazing things. It also is not so easy to find, is it? How you get to feel around him is special and I can see why you would want to hold on for dear life and not let go.
Let’s talk about you in more detail. Do you typically have anxiety about a lot of things in your life, or is this an unusual response for you? Maybe you tend to have anxiety only when it comes to the romance department. Is this a pattern you have in your past relationships where you tend to have fear about losing them?
For now, I would suggest to not make any quick decisions. Let’s get to know this anxiety of yours. Because the thing is, this anxiety will add pressure and make you believe you need something from him in order to feel okay. The truth is, all that you need lives within you first. If you can get to a place where you feel more clear and empowered, you can then decide what the next best steps are for you. So for now, the best thing you can do is to focus on what you DO have and not on what you don’t have. Appreciate, enjoy and soak it all in when it is happening and then release it. Stay in the present moment. Anytime your anxiety shows up, it’s just a fear of the future and just a story your mind created and is turning into a reality. Remind yourself that the story you are creating about the future, is just a story and bring yourself back to the present moment and connect to what is. And then remind yourself…if, when, how things end up – no matter what – you will be okay. You are resilient, you are resourceful, you know you can heal and you can trust that you will be okay. Try this for a bit and see what comes up for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Wendy,
Oh man! I am soooo so sorry! Am I understanding this right that this woman you keep seeing with him is his ex?
It’s such a bummer that he didn’t have the strength to just be honest and instead chose to lie. It’s sooooooo much more hurtful to be deceitful. I mean it would hurt to hear the truth straight up, but at least there is integrity and honesty in that. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this.
I’m glad to know you have some boundaries. I know you love him and sadly, it’s time to start to release that love. He isn’t the man who can respectfully and graciously hold your precious heart in his hands. He doesn’t have that ability.
I invite you to journal. Or how about writing him a letter and say everything you want to say and then burn it. One technique that worked well for me before was talking into a recorder. I would just press record and pretend it was him and I would lay it all out there…no filter. Some days I was sooooo angry and resentful and other days I was loving and tearful and missed him like crazy. The goal is to get it out. If you keep your feelings inside, that’s the dangerous part and there are BIG consequences to that. The more you let out your feelings through writing, talking, dancing, painting…whatever platform that resonates for you, the faster you will heal. It’s sooooo so important for you to care for your heart right now. Have a lot of compassion for yourself and be gentle. Take baths, put flowers around your house, watch movies and tv shows that are uplifting and encouraging (Under the Tuscan Sun), watch short videos that make you laugh, visit with animals, go sit under a tree and people watch etc. Make sure you really fill your life with things that are nourishing.
Heidi
Hi Faith,
Help me understand this. Why does it matter what his reasons are? He is just being himself and nobody can really know his motives and reasonings about anything he does except for him. He gets to do him and you get to do you. If you were in a relationship, asking “why” and trying to understand the deeper reasons would be a great question to explore with him. But that is not the type of relationship you guys have, so all anyone can do is make an educated guess. Even with that educated guess, why does it matter? Let’s say we did give you the answer to why he is acting the way he is. What would you do with that information? Why is it important? What do you imagine that having this answer and understanding will bring you?
Let’s go back to what DOES matter. You guys are done romantically, so now you have a choice of how you would like to interact. That is 100% based on you. If you are willing to forgive him, you can move past playing all the games and create peaceful interactions. I’m not sure you are really ready for that though. What exactly are you wanting to have happen with this guy moving forward? Do you want to be friends? Are you wanting to hook again? Do you just want to keep ignoring him? What do YOU want? Keep the focus on yourself.
Heidi
I LOVE that article about animal communication! What a spectacular story about the crows! So interesting, right? I’ve had a handful of sessions with an animal communicator with my dog. It’s always been really helpful for me. I almost, at one point, signed up to become trained and certified, but decided to hold off. Eventually, I will do it though.
So being that this new job invitation is in Canada, does that mean you will fulfill the requirements for becoming a citizen? Or is that completely off the table now?
I’m really excited for you!!!! I love that you know this company and that it was a project you loved and that you know a lot of the people being invited back. That’s spectacular!!! I can’t wait to hear what ends up happening.
Tell me more about the Zoosk guy! I’m curious…why do you feel you need to focus on slipping him some compliments? It’s probably one of the last things you need to think about when you are first getting to know someone. That’s my opinion though. Let’s talk about it more. Teach me about your thought process.
Heidi
Hi Wendy,
I’m glad you created your own post. I replied to it today, so we will just continue our conversation on your own thread.
Heidi
Hi Donna,
Gosh, I am soooo so sorry for what you are having to go through. It truly is awful.
How do I keep attracting these kind of men? You are asking a very good question. The thing is, we can’t know who someone is, until they show us. It’s at that point, we then have a choice as to how we want to interact with them. You chose to stay in a marriage for a loooong time and participate in not being supported. Your husband at the time, did not offer you what you needed. You also decided to stay in that kind of design. Do you know why? Do you understand what was happening inside of you, that made you stay and be treated in that way? Whatever that is, most likely it’s still there and will act like a beacon to bring you other experiences of the same nature. Why? Because that is how we grow…or not. It’s like a fork in the road. You are now having the same kinds of feelings and experiences which means you now have an opportunity to shift it and make a different choice, or continue down the same path as you did before. We ALL have these patterns in our lives that will keep showing up, over and over and over again, constantly giving us opportunities for growth and change and healing…if we choose it.
Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
I understand you being anxious about this connection. I would like to invite you to get VERY CLEAR about what you want. It sounds like you want to head down the path of possibly creating a deeper, more connected relationship with him. Is this something you feel okay about negotiating away? Are you able to stay casual and be a friends with benefits kind of gal? If not, I would NOT suggest an overnight stay anywhere and I would suggest to step away. He is NOT in a place of knowing what he wants, how he feels and of course he is all over the place with his emotions. He is dealing with a HUGE loss, so he has many layers of emotions, thoughts, feelings, fears, insecurities etc. to face and deal with. He is NOT going to know what he TRULY wants and feels for a long time. I have no doubt you bring him joy and a wonderful connection, but that is going to get mixed up in all the other stuff he is feeling right now. It really is important that you LISTEN to him. HE IS NOT READY for the same level of experience as you are. You guys are NOT on the same page.
The question here is about you. Are you okay with being casual? Are you okay with him not knowing how he feels at different times? Are you okay with being friends with benefits? He is NOT going to change. So you need to decide for yourself what is okay for you to accept and not accept. What are YOUR needs that are negotiable and non-negotiable? What you DON”T want to do is negotiate away some important and core needs of yours, just so you can feel this connection. If you negotiate away some valuable and core needs, you betray yourself and set yourself up for failure in the relationship. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Jules!
Good to hear from you again!
Sheesh….I’m sorry you are still dealing with this. First, I would not ignore his texts. You say you want better communication and then you don’t respond to his texts. No matter how you are feeling…angry, hurt, revengeful, frustrated…communication is sooooo important in order to move through whatever is happening. Don’t leave him hanging like that. Make sure you treat him how you would want to be treated.
He also told me he feels like he can’t fully be himself around me and was also feeling “stuck” in our relationship and that’s why he hasn’t expressed his feelings towards me. That and he said he’s bad at communicating. Do you know why he feels he can’t fully be himself with you? Is there something you are doing that makes him not feel safe to be authentic and honest? If he’s bad at communicating and he knows this about himself, the reality is, he hasn’t done much to change any of that. Who knows when and if he ever will, but bottom line, you either accept this about him or you don’t. The moment you start to want to change him or want him to be different, that’s when you need to check yourself.
As far as how to handle this, it’s simple really. It’s about you being VERY CLEAR about what you want, communicating that and then letting him decide if he wants the same things. I told him long distance is a huge decision and if we decide to do long distance both of us have to 100% want to try give us our all. We would have to commit to flying to see each other and become really good at communicating. I know you stated this, but it’s soooo general that he would not have clear picture about what you actually need. So it’s important when communicating, to be specific. What does it actually look like (in action) to give it your all? What does it actually look like (in action) to become really good at communicating? And how do you want to go about getting good at communicating? What do you think good communication is? Basically, you need to get clear and more detailed about what YOU need, in order to stay balanced and feel good about staying in a relationship with him. You lay your cards out on the table and then he gets to either pick them up and put them down. Let’s say you have 5 cards you place down as far as what you need and he picks up and accepts 3 of those needs. Then you have to decide if you can compromise on the other 2 needs or not. What is important here, is that you do not negotiate away your needs in order to stay connected. You need to know yourself SUPER well to understand what you can and cannot compromise on, in order to keep YOU happy. The person you invite into your life on a deeper level, needs to respect, support and honor those needs and vice versa. So I would suggest to get clear and detailed about what you want and need FOR YOURSELF to stay happy and connected. DO NOT talk about him. Meaning, if your focus is on HIM needing to change, you are missing the point and heading down a path of breaking connection. Talk about what keeps you happy and balanced and the non-negotiables that go with that and then he gets to decide to participate or not. Keep the focus on you!
Here is just an example “This long distance thing is going to change how you and I interact and connect. I have thought a lot about this and here is what I know about myself. I love hearing how my guy feels about me. I love being told I’m beautiful and appreciated and that I matter. Hearing the deeper feelings, I am realizing, is actually really important to me. It helps me feel like I am growing and connecting on a deeper level. I understand you have a hard time communicating. I want to continue to move forward with you and grow deeper with you, so you get to decide if communicating your deeper feelings to me is something you want to practice and improve upon….” Does this approach make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Wendy!
Welcome to the forum. I am sooooo sorry for the hurt you have to feel right now. The loss of love is so incredibly difficult, especially when there isn’t a lot of understanding of what happened.
I just have a few questions. When he started to become distant, is there anything you can think back to that may have triggered it? Was it after you told him you loved him? Was it after having sex with him for the first time? Did he talk about anything he felt unhappy with about you or the relationship? It sounds like he was coming over frequently for quite awhile, then said he had feelings for you. Then it sounds like you finally decided to get together, so how long did the new dating/being intimate part last before he started disconnecting? What makes you think he is cheating? Did you guys have that conversation and agreement to be exclusive? It sounds like he just isn’t connecting anymore at all. Can you tell me what your interactions are like right now?
Looking forward to more details.
Heidi
Wow!! I seriously am impressed that the drunk Becky was so well spoken. I would have never guessed you were drunk typing! haha! How fun that you had all kinds of people buying drinks for you! That’s all kinds of love coming in your direction, right when you need it most.
You are spot on with saying, “Only time will tell.” You are doing the very best you know how. You are socializing and moving on with your life AND you are also waiting for him. Of course you are. 35 years of thinking one way, means it’s gonna take awhile to adjust and think another way. The fact that you are willing and open to do that is all that is needed. You are just letting yourself be you, not forcing anything and being in a place of acceptance, no matter what you feel. You are staying grounded and centered in what your needs are and taking good care of yourself. Whatever feelings do come up, at whatever moment, you are strong enough to feel them, acknowledge them and talk to us or your therapist if need be…and then move on. You are doing such a great job! You are doing more than most people would do. You definitely have an internal strength that you have worked very hard to develop and it’s showing right now, in one of the biggest losses of your life. Well done.
So I’m just curious…what is your fear about dating someone local? I totally get how the distance thing allows for space and keeps things super slow and comfortable. I’m curious what some of your beliefs/thoughts are about what a relationship looks like (in your mind) if you lived in the same area.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Thank you for the update! I love that you are connecting with friends and keeping busy and listening to podcasts. That’s so very important! What are you doing to process the feelings you have? Are you allowing yourself some time and space to TRULY and DEEPLY feel the loss of him? What are you doing to directly help yourself emotionally heal? Keeping busy is good, but it can also be a good mechanism of avoidance and distraction. I’m just checking in to see where you are at with all of it.
There’s no way he’s just gonna ghost me after 34 years of history. He just wouldn’t do that. Careful with this belief. The truth is, you know everything about him and you know nothing about him and that will ALWAYS be true. He IS capable of ghosting you completely and never contacting you again. He has never had to face the loss of his mother before and you are now seeing that he is capable of saying goodbye to your pretty kickass and wonderfully nourishing relationship. Carrying this belief that he will reach out again at some point (which the odds are definitely in your favor) will keep you stuck and prevent you from healing. It’s a belief that will keep you holding on vs. accepting what the reality is RIGHT NOW. Letting go completely IS the healing process. If you take this path, you are truly honoring yourself. If he does end up reaching out down the road, you guys will talk and you will decide what is best for you AT THAT TIME. Letting go of him and the relationship fully and completely DOES NOT MEAN he can’t come back into your life at a future time. If you fully allow yourself to heal on all levels and get to the point where you feel no more hurt, no more wanting for him, no more waiting for him…then if he reaches out again, you will be so much more clear to know what is best for you. Thoughts?
I think it will be good to just go meet another guy and have a new experience even though you are not really available right now. I’m sure this guy will want to see you many more times, because you are pretty amazing! Let us know how it goes!
Heidi
Hi Fung,
It sounds like you are getting a a bit more clear about what you want to experience. I want to suggest a bit of a switch in thinking. I find that the biggest issue in dating is people not being SUPER clear about what their non-negotiables are and then settling – allowing the feelings of connection and chemistry to guide them vs. allowing the non-negotiables to also be part of the process.
So how about you create a non-negotiable list. It’s not about what you want, it’s about what you literally cannot live without in a relationship. Let’s say you have a list of 20 non-negotiables. If you meet a guy that meets 19 of those non-negotiables, it still will not work! That’s how serious and important it is to be CLEAR about your non-negotiables. Not a single trait on that list is compromisable. When you are looking for someone to get serious with, it’s crucial that you date from that non-negotiable list. If you want to date casually, the list doesn’t matter. I always tell people though, when you are being a casual dater, it’s the PERFECT time to truly test out your list. For example, I used to have on my list “athlete.” Being that I was a higher-level soccer player, dating an athlete was important to me and at the time, felt like a non-negotiable. But then I met a guy who was not an athlete. He lifted weights, he went on hikes and he was pretty active, but he didn’t play a sport. I realized that dating a guy that was “active” was actually my non-negotiable, not “athlete.” So dating casually is a great way to test out your list.
I like to encourage people to think about the different categories in life: health/nutrition, finances, family, home, spirituality etc. Feel free to share what you come up with. It’s quite the process and will change several times, but we can help you through it.
Heidi
Hi Faith,
Thank you for sharing more of your feelings! I understand the anger and the hurt you feel towards Brian. I’m going to say something that may be a bit hard to swallow. Brian was playing with your emotions to get what he wanted. The reason you are so angry at him is because he is reflecting back to you, how you are treating your boyfriend. You are doing, saying and being what your boyfriend needs in order to keep him hooked. Brian wanted sex from you and behaved in a way to get what he wanted. You are wanting connection, safety and a feeling of family with your boyfriend and you are behaving in a way that gets you what you want. I know you and Brian were after different things, but in the end, neither of you are being authentic, honest and caring towards the people you are using. Brian used you and you are using your boyfriend. So before you decide you want to rip him a new one…take a look at yourself first. I was taught from a very young age, “remember that as you are pointing a finger at someone else, you have 3 fingers pointing back at yourself.” I know this is a hard one to swallow. I have been exactly where you are now, where I was so hurt and angry at how I was treated and then was shown how I did the same to another. It’s incredibly humbling. This again, is where your feelings are not facts. Your angry feelings towards Brian are a reflection of the judgment and anger you carry about yourself. You are pretty darn hard on yourself. I get it though…most people are and you have a lot you are having to manage, especially having bipolar. Have you found a medication yet that helps stabilize you? I know it can be a tricky thing to navigate.
There is no judgment here Faith. Spyce and I both completely understand what you are going through and believe me…as relationship coaches, we have heard it all. Both of us have done enough work on ourselves to be able to provide a safe and non-judgmental place for people to share their vulnerabilities with us. Neither of us judges you. We just understand you. We understand the energy of why you are making the decisions you do. We understand your need to keep your boyfriend for feelings of family and to then venture out and connect sexually with other men. All your choices are just symptoms of what lives in your subconscious. We can teach you to the moon and back and answer all of your “whys” but until you really dive deep (with the help of a therapist), these patterns will just continue. It’s okay though. Your life is your design. When you are in enough pain and willing to do anything to get out of pain, you will start to make different decisions. Unfortunately, that is how most of us operate. That’s why I always say “Pain is a gift.” Pain inspires movement towards healing.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
