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Hi Ecaterina,
Thank you for the update!
Holy smokes, you were breastfeeding when you met him? I didn’t realize you had a child that small. Is that your only child, or do you have more? Is the baby daddy involved and helpful? I hope so.
You cried because what he is triggering in you, comes from your past. Whenever we have REALLY big reactions to something that isn’t healthy for us, it’s because it is triggering something from our past. So your emotions are about losing him AND about other hurts you have been carrying for many, many years. Yes, you cried after a guy who wasn’t able to truly connect to the depth and beauty that you are inside and out. I can’t remember what you said, but I do remember we talked about your past and you did have parents, I think, who made you feel neglected or something. Am I remembering correctly? That would be why you felt/feel so devastated. I’m sooooo glad you have cried. And now you look in the mirror and feel how beautiful you are again. That’s so very important!
How are you feeling today? Is there still a part of you that wants him back? Or do you feel really resolved? I know you have completely disconnected and blocked him, but what about your heart?
Heidi
Hey there….it’s been a few weeks. I imagine a lot has happened, so I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Any updates? What’s happening?
Heidi
Hi Sandy,
Just thought I’d check in and see how you are doing. What happening? Any new updates?
Heidi
Hi Fung,
I’m wondering…you have a pattern of choosing to step into relationships with guys you are actually not interested. And then the ones you are interested in, you sabotage it. What do you think this pattern is about? Is this something you have explored about yourself yet?
Heidi
Hi Faith,
I’m glad you are feeling more peaceful about the situation. Again, I want to circle you back around to forgiving him for being limited and human self. It hurt you and that sucks, but more importantly, it gives you the opportunity to recognize he has baggage and wounds and that’s no different than you. Forgiving him allows you to accept, understand and have compassion for his humanness. Is that something you are willing to do? When you can do this, it will just be natural and easy when you guys interact. You won’t have a need to punish him or ignore him and you will just be your natural self. However, he responds is his journey. All you are responsible for and held accountable for is yourself. Does this make sense?
Why are men like this? First, there are plenty of men that are not like this. But in order for you to understand on a deeper level, how about you answer this…why do you cheat on your boyfriend? The answer to this question will lead into your answer as to why he behaved in the way that he did. So first answer the question and I can help you connect the dots.
I’ll tell ya, one of the most powerful ways to understand someone else’s behaviors, is to understand yourself first. Fundatmentally, we are all the same. We ALL have a response to rejection, abandonment, trauma, deceit etc. So once you get yourself, you will understand others, even without them saying a word. That’s why Spyce and I are able to help people with just a little information. We have worked deeply within ourselves first, which then allows us to understand the general dynamics at play with very little information.
Hope this helps a little!
Heidi
Hi Dee,
Thank you for everything you shared. You have been on a serious rollercoaster ride and I imagine you are completely exhausted!!! It’s obvious you guys have a very powerful connection and it’s so incredibly hard to come across something like that and not be able to freely explore it’s potential. Of course you are depressed! Have you considered finding a therapist or coach to help you through this specific situation on a weekly basis??
I’m going to say something that I know will not be what you want to hear. He is NOT available for you. He is spot on with wanting to take some time for himself and figure out how he feels. He is one messy guy and ending a long marriage makes everything even messier. Despite the fact that he is unhappy, it’s still 20 years of investment and bonding with another person. It’s going to take quite a while for him to figure out who he is, separate from her. Your hopes of him hopping out of this marriage and instantly into a relationship with you, no matter how amazing and connected you guys are, you will also be in relationship with his current wife. She is in his mind and heart and she will stay there until he really deals with releasing her completely and going through the steps of loss and grief. He cannot offer you what you want. I’m so sorry! I wish there was something different to say, but this is just the truth. He has communicated to you SEVERAL times through directly saying it and through his ghosting behavior…he cannot offer you what you want. He is not available.
Let’s talk about this statement: I am in my mid-forties and TERRIFIED that I will never get married. This is interesting. What is this about? What are you terrified of? I’m wondering what marriage means to you. Would you mind sharing what you believe marriage will bring into your life?
Heidi
Oh! I thought of a fun question you can ask him!
“Wow! It sounds like you have a really interesting life. I love love love the outdoors and travel as well. In your travels, what is the most interesting or strange food or meal you have ever eaten? p.s. you have a great smile!” How do you feel about this approach?
That’s a fun and unusual question….just another option for ya.
Hi Rhonda,
Thanks for the compliment on my picture! Made me smile!
So when you and Dwayne talk, is it only a few sentences at a time? He hasn’t made any effort to connect more than that?
This new guy sounds great! Your response is kind of disjointed. In 1 sentence you refer to his faith, his smile and keeping up with you. That’s a lot for 1 sentence and they are all incomplete thoughts. There also isn’t much for him to say in return. Remember…1 subject at a time and 1 or 2 questions max. You can say something like, “Wow! It sounds like you have a really interesting life. I love love love the outdoors as well. Where are some of your favorite places to go hiking or kayaking or snowshoeing? I usually take my camera with me when going on hikes. My favorite thing to photograph is….p.s. you have a great smile!” How do you feel about this approach?
I’m not excited about Sarnia for you either….buuuuuut if it can bring you into retirement, you can do anything for a year, right? And I do like the fact that you can get home more easily. That will help. I still am rooting for somewhere that will feed your soul. My prayers are with ya on that one!
Heidi
Oh! I looked up Sarnia and it said it was in Canada. I originally looked it up to be in Michigan but google said it was in Canada. So weird! My mom grew up near Detroit. It’s a pretty intense city, eh? The weather would be pretty difficult, I think. Have you looked up the area to see if there is kayaking close by? I sure hope so because that is soooo so important for your well-being. I would hate for you to have step into another job for a year and not be able to get your needs met again. I know this past year has been soooo difficult for you.
Yes, you can get certified in animal communication. There are many different teachers out there and anyone and everyone has the ability to do it. But it’s like any skill. Some are just gifted and brilliant at it and some completely suck. I have experienced both! lol
Okay….totally agree and it makes more sense about compliments. The compliments you shared are completely appropriate and good ones. In the past, with posts you’ve shared of what you’ve written to some gentleman, some of the compliments were a bit over the top. So I was just checking to see where your mindset was about that and it’s spot on!!! I love how you are describing him. Those are GOOOOOOD qualities. Is he initiating contact a lot? Where does he live?
How many days until you leave???
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
Welcome to the forum! You are asking a pretty common question actually. It’s sooo sad how frequently ghosting happens. I’m glad you at least got an answer from him about how he felt. Many times people don’t even get that.
Now what? Well, you obviously felt the connection was unbelievable, but that was not his experience. He said he felt you were needy. Can you see how that would come across? Can you see why he might have felt that way? Have you ever heard that from other guys in that past?
Heidi
Hi Taila,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing so much detail! It makes it much easier for us to understand how to best guide you.
You are really dealing with something quite complicated with a lot of layers that I imagine both of you are having trouble understanding. It’s very hard what you are going through. Let’s see if we can find a way to get you guys back on track.
First, do either of you take medication for depression? I’m just trying to gauge how much depression is in either of your lives.
First, it’s important to understand that you guys are still really getting to know each other and already, what you guys have been through is A LOT considering it’s only been 7 months. You actually have a really great perspective and I truly commend you with you are handling everything! He is definitely very lucky to have someone who is not doing everything she possibly can to control him. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you express your feelings and also express that you cannot tell him what to do. That is the truth. He gets to do be and whoever he wants and from those decisions, it gives you information about him…and vice versa. It’s a forever process. Even after 50 years of being together, you will know everything about your partner and you will know nothing. It’s a constant learning process and daily choice about how you want to interact with someone, considering their choices and behaviors.
I’m going to address the ex-girlfriend thing. He obviously gets to do what he wants, but there definitely is a part of him that is either in denial or lying to you. From everything you shared, from the very beginning, he has a part of himself that definitely has feelings for her. That’s obvious. From the things you are saying that he said to you, he is clearly still struggling to let her go romantically. He says they are just friends and all they talk about is surface stuff, yet he will also turn around and question why they broke up and question whether he should give it another go. Those types of questions don’t come up for people that are resolved and have closed the door. His actions are NOT aligning up with his words, so OF COURSE you are concerned and feeling some jealousy. He is not completely over her yet. There IS something happening between them. There IS some kind of bonding that is occurring. Who knows what kind of bond, but it’s obvious it’s something that is not appropriate when he is committed to you. And now it’s moving into him wanting to meet up with her, despite what you guys had talked about a week prior. He is definitely confused.
He is split. He has 1 part of him really invested and connected to you. He also has another part of him being sourced by his ex and that is slowly growing. I doubt that the conversations don’t have meaning. They were together for 5 years. Who talks to someone several times a week anyway if it’s all meaningless “how are you” type of stuff? If it were an occasional connection, an occasional lunch, an occasional conversation, that is something more normal and appropriate. Besides, he has already mentioned a few times that he starts to doubt their breakup. sometimes still wonders maybe he’s not over his ex and wonders why they broke up and if he cares for her.
This is not a guy who is clear about what he wants and needs. I have no doubt at all that he loves you and is bonded to you, but I also have no doubt that he hasn’t cleared her out his system completely and is bringing slowly back into his life.So here is the thing…you cannot tell him what to do and you already know that. All you can do in any relationship, is be VERY CLEAR about what you need for yourself in order to feel balanced and good about the relationship. You put those cards on the table and then your partner gets to decide is he wants to pick up those cards or leave them on the table. You then get to decide what your willing to compromise. If he doesn’t pick up some of your cards, you have to be clear if that is okay for you. You need to decide is those specific cards can be re-negotiated, taken off the table completely or visited again at a future date.
Is this a deal breaker for you? Is him starting to hang out with his ex a line you will draw in the sand? This is what YOU need to get clear about. Your guy definitely has some serious choices to make and needs some help. He is confused, his depression is controlling him and he is not truly clear about being your boyfriend. Whether it’s because of his ex or his own messed up relationship with love, who knows. What you DO know is that he is wishy washy and he is not picking up the card you laid down about not visiting with the ex. You have communicated how uncomfortable this relationship makes you feel and instead of really listening and caring about his relationship with YOU….he is instead heading in the opposite direction and growing the relationship with her.
I know you guys have had some amazingly deep and wonderful moments and times together, but he is not able to sustain those and support those. Instead he is sabotaging.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
He’s like a drug to me. When I am with him nothing else in the world bothers me and I feel so important and cared for… I totally get this. You actually are getting a mix of chemicals that give you these feelings and it totally IS a drug that every single person would want to keep getting doses of. It’s beautiful!!! It’s powerful, it’s magical, it’s healing, it’s soooo many amazing things. It also is not so easy to find, is it? How you get to feel around him is special and I can see why you would want to hold on for dear life and not let go.
Let’s talk about you in more detail. Do you typically have anxiety about a lot of things in your life, or is this an unusual response for you? Maybe you tend to have anxiety only when it comes to the romance department. Is this a pattern you have in your past relationships where you tend to have fear about losing them?
For now, I would suggest to not make any quick decisions. Let’s get to know this anxiety of yours. Because the thing is, this anxiety will add pressure and make you believe you need something from him in order to feel okay. The truth is, all that you need lives within you first. If you can get to a place where you feel more clear and empowered, you can then decide what the next best steps are for you. So for now, the best thing you can do is to focus on what you DO have and not on what you don’t have. Appreciate, enjoy and soak it all in when it is happening and then release it. Stay in the present moment. Anytime your anxiety shows up, it’s just a fear of the future and just a story your mind created and is turning into a reality. Remind yourself that the story you are creating about the future, is just a story and bring yourself back to the present moment and connect to what is. And then remind yourself…if, when, how things end up – no matter what – you will be okay. You are resilient, you are resourceful, you know you can heal and you can trust that you will be okay. Try this for a bit and see what comes up for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Wendy,
Oh man! I am soooo so sorry! Am I understanding this right that this woman you keep seeing with him is his ex?
It’s such a bummer that he didn’t have the strength to just be honest and instead chose to lie. It’s sooooooo much more hurtful to be deceitful. I mean it would hurt to hear the truth straight up, but at least there is integrity and honesty in that. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this.
I’m glad to know you have some boundaries. I know you love him and sadly, it’s time to start to release that love. He isn’t the man who can respectfully and graciously hold your precious heart in his hands. He doesn’t have that ability.
I invite you to journal. Or how about writing him a letter and say everything you want to say and then burn it. One technique that worked well for me before was talking into a recorder. I would just press record and pretend it was him and I would lay it all out there…no filter. Some days I was sooooo angry and resentful and other days I was loving and tearful and missed him like crazy. The goal is to get it out. If you keep your feelings inside, that’s the dangerous part and there are BIG consequences to that. The more you let out your feelings through writing, talking, dancing, painting…whatever platform that resonates for you, the faster you will heal. It’s sooooo so important for you to care for your heart right now. Have a lot of compassion for yourself and be gentle. Take baths, put flowers around your house, watch movies and tv shows that are uplifting and encouraging (Under the Tuscan Sun), watch short videos that make you laugh, visit with animals, go sit under a tree and people watch etc. Make sure you really fill your life with things that are nourishing.
Heidi
Hi Faith,
Help me understand this. Why does it matter what his reasons are? He is just being himself and nobody can really know his motives and reasonings about anything he does except for him. He gets to do him and you get to do you. If you were in a relationship, asking “why” and trying to understand the deeper reasons would be a great question to explore with him. But that is not the type of relationship you guys have, so all anyone can do is make an educated guess. Even with that educated guess, why does it matter? Let’s say we did give you the answer to why he is acting the way he is. What would you do with that information? Why is it important? What do you imagine that having this answer and understanding will bring you?
Let’s go back to what DOES matter. You guys are done romantically, so now you have a choice of how you would like to interact. That is 100% based on you. If you are willing to forgive him, you can move past playing all the games and create peaceful interactions. I’m not sure you are really ready for that though. What exactly are you wanting to have happen with this guy moving forward? Do you want to be friends? Are you wanting to hook again? Do you just want to keep ignoring him? What do YOU want? Keep the focus on yourself.
Heidi
I LOVE that article about animal communication! What a spectacular story about the crows! So interesting, right? I’ve had a handful of sessions with an animal communicator with my dog. It’s always been really helpful for me. I almost, at one point, signed up to become trained and certified, but decided to hold off. Eventually, I will do it though.
So being that this new job invitation is in Canada, does that mean you will fulfill the requirements for becoming a citizen? Or is that completely off the table now?
I’m really excited for you!!!! I love that you know this company and that it was a project you loved and that you know a lot of the people being invited back. That’s spectacular!!! I can’t wait to hear what ends up happening.
Tell me more about the Zoosk guy! I’m curious…why do you feel you need to focus on slipping him some compliments? It’s probably one of the last things you need to think about when you are first getting to know someone. That’s my opinion though. Let’s talk about it more. Teach me about your thought process.
Heidi
