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This is great info! Thank you for sharing!
I completely understand your desire to want to share life and create memories with someone more meaningful. It’s normal and natural and it’s a much more powerful experience. I was the same way at your age. It feels good to grow roots with someone and go through life together.
Flirting needs to be authentic for it to work. Meaning, you need to FEEL sexy, FEEL attractive, FEEL your divine feminine and THEN you flirt. That way it doesn’t come off as desperate or awkward or like you are trying too hard. Again, watch and observe Anna. Watch movies where the woman is flirting and you will see that confidence is leaking out of her pores. Angelina Jolie is a good one to watch! Watch “The Tourist.” That’s a beautiful representation of flirting.
Think about the things that you wear sometimes. Every outfit we put on will make us feel differently. So make sure you have outfits that make you feel sexier. What are the hairstyles that make you feel more sexy and confident? How would you do your makeup differently if you wanted to feel more confident and sexy? What shoes would you wear? If you don’t have things like that in your closet or know how to do your hair and makeup to shift your mood, then this is a good place to start.
Flirting is also about being connective. It can be about laughing and little touches and strong eye contact or it can be being a bit more mysterious, throwing out little signals enough to get his attention, but also making him wonder what’s happening. It can be subtle or overt. There’s a range. It can be something as simple as a smile or as complicated as using your whole body to communicate something to a man. It’s fascinating really, but I will tell you it’s about practicing. Fliritng is a skill. The skill is not necessarily how to flirt, but more about how to take that feminine energy within you, light it on fire and decide how you want to express it. What kind of game do you want to play with that energy? What kind of ways to do you want the man to feel?
Is this making sense?
What’s the update on him and Anna? Are they still having fun and doing a FWB thing? Are you and he still talking?
Heidi
Wow Marla, it’s usually not this easy! lol. How are you doing/feeling about your choice? Have you completely ended it yet? What’s the update?
Heidi
Hi Pam,
Welcome to the forum! I can see why you are struggling with your husband. It’s really difficult to feel good about yourself when your husband is commenting and flirting with other women. Let’s see what we can do to help! I just have some questions first.
Was he like this from the beginning of your marriage? If not, how long has this behavior been going on?
Have you talked to him on a deeper level about how this is affecting you? Has he shared his side of the story with you?
Does he watch porn?
How is your sex life together?
Does he flirt with you? Do you flirt with him?
Other than this particular behavior, do you enjoy/like your marriage with him? Do you think he feels the same way?
Is there any indication/evidence that he goes beyond flirting and takes action and cheats?In order for you to feel secure, it first and foremost comes from within you. Relying on your husband, or any other person for that matter, to help you feel good about yourself is not a source that will last and is a source that is unstable. Learning how to love and value yourself, regardless of the circumstances and person sitting in front of you, is a lifelong journey. Self-esteem comes from the inside and begins with us forgiving and releasing the hurts/traumas from the past and forgiving ourself for our limitations. Traumas, hurt and the stories we hold onto as our reality are the blocks that keep us from feeling good about ourselves. That’s the deeper work that needs to be done in order to truly improve your relationship with yourself. Have you ever worked with a Therapist or a Coach? Is that something you would be willing/interested in doing to help you navigate this journey?
Heidi
Amanda! This is great! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are connecting more deeply to yourself and you are still continuing to live your life. It’s definitely a step in the right direction! Tell me, what kinds of things are you doing to take care of yourself? What are you doing to focus on yourself?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Thank you for sharing so much more detail. I am getting a much more clear picture about how you are experiencing your life and it’s wonderful!!!
I’m sooooooo glad to hear your son is finding his balance and that you guys are connecting much more. I’m curious. You said him going to Ethiopia really changed him. Why is that? What do you think he got there that helped him shift?
I can see you are having a brand new experience with JB on soooo many levels. You wonder why you aren’t possessive of his time and his attentions like you have been before. First, I think you have grown tremendously and have become more confident in yourself. Second, I think that JB has helped fill you up in many different ways. Each relationship has a soul bank account. So how much “money” is in that bank account at any given time, can influence the dynamics of the connection and how each person feels about it. That’s why the concept of “small things often” is really powerful. Small acts of love, attention, kindness, gentleness etc. OFTEN is what keeps that bank account full and growing. So whenever there is discord and challenge, there is PLENTY of “money” in the account to handle it. So my guess is, you feel like the bank account between you guys is pretty full. It’s nourishing, it’s empowering and it makes you feel very connected therefore, there is no “neediness” for attention from him. Does this make sense?
That’s amazing how your relationship with God has grown for you. Your connection with God is changing your life. It’s bringing more peace, more clarity and mostly a feeling of safety. Wow!!! This is spectacular! There is a confidence in you that I have not hear from you before. Everything you are doing, is helping you become more and more expanded. I LOVE the volunteer position you are going to sign up for. It’s perfect for you! I LOVE that you are following the “no-resistance” policy to make these kinds of decisions in your life. You really are doing such an incredible job connecting deeper to yourself and God.
Yes…you are a completely different person compared to your very first message. I’m glad you went back and read that so you can see how far you have come!!!
JB is so blessed to have you in his life. He is definitely connected to you and you are a BIG part of his life. Whether it ever turns romantic or not, the connection you guys have created together is healing right now.
Heidi
Flirting is really difficult for people who come from any type of trauma, so you are not alone. If you understand that flirting is about accessing your vulnerable, feminine side, then you know what energy to work with. Flirting is energy. Again, it’s less about what you say and mostly about how you say it. It’s can be anything from a giggle and being shy to confidently making eye contact with a guy across the room. I know you don’t want to seem stupid in front of a guy you are trying to impress, but maybe view it differently. The RIGHT kind of guy will be completely flattered and love that he can see you are a bit uncomfortable because he makes you react. Haven’t you seen it in the movies where someone tries to be flirty or sexy but instead it comes off as silly, awkward and ridiculous??? Most people find that endearing and funny. So even if you act silly or say something stupid, the RIGHT guy will actually find it cute and be attracted to you for it. If a guy finds it “stupid” and unattractive, I PROMISE YOU…he is a guy you want to stay away from anyways.
Flirting takes confidence. So the place I recommend you start developing your feminine confidence in smaller ways that bring you some attention. To start, how do you feel about how you look and your appearance? Do you get a lot of people looking at you? What would you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10? 10 being a knockout, 1 being unattractive. How do you dress? Do you dress plain? With color? Creative? in fashion? Don’t care? Do you like to dance? How do you feel about your body?
This is just a place to start. Also, I LOVE this woman. She is a powerful teacher who helps women connect more deeply to their feminine energy…which of course leads to flirting. https://www.michaelaboehm.com/
Heidi
Hi Marla,
Welcome to the forum! I can understand why you are confused and not sure what to do. It’s important for you to be VERY clear about what you want. He essentially wants to be friends with benefits. Is this something you want to participate in? It doesn’t sound like it, but you are also not sure if you want to let him go.
He admitted to something missing, so this is important to pay attention to. Whatever it is that is missing, it’s not about you specifically. Imagine that we all are a puzzle piece. We all have different shapes and sizes. When we come across another puzzle piece, sometimes it’s not a fit at all, sometimes it’s a partial fit, sometimes it’s an almost perfect fit and sometimes it is a perfect fit. It’s not about the “other” puzzle piece entirely. It’s about the fit together, so his feeling like something is missing is about your puzzle piece shape and size, but also about his shape and size. There’s nothing to blame or change, it’s just what is. As we grow and learn, our puzzle piece shape will change and shift, so at this moment in time, he is not feeling like you are a perfect fit. He is not feeling the potential like you are. So for now, I would suggest letting him go and moving on. If you feel like you are not ready for that, then your option is to participate in his design and become a booty call. Sometimes a deeper connection can get ignited from that design, but most often, men won’t respond in that way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Great questions! Yes, your need to be more competitive and tough would partly come from your history. It’s also just your natural coping mechanism. I have the exact same response. That will never change about us and it’s a GREAT quality! So what is important to do instead is to develop the female side so your energy comes more into balance. This woman has been really helpful for me and thousands of other women as well. Here is her website: https://www.michaelaboehm.com/ Her book is fantastic! She offers a handful of ideas at the end about how to handle emotions when they come up. Her specialty is tantra and her specific lineage of tantra is about “the full experience of life through the body.” It’s such a powerful way to connect with feminine energy, by getting into the body more. If you don’t resonate with her, let me know!
Feel free to message him anytime. You can always say, “Listen…I know there wasn’t much chemistry going on at our date, but I did enjoy the friendship side of things. I had fun connecting with you, so if you ever are bored and want to go grab a drink or grab some lunch, I’d be interested!”
Yes, your comment about relationships was VERY mental. I have realistic expectations of a relationship and that I understood that there might be challenges between me and my partner but I was willing to work through them. This is a great comment, pure male energy, so all you have to do is add the female energy to balance out the statement. So you could say something like “I feel like I have pretty realistic expectations for a relationship. I know that with romance, love and friendship, also comes the challenge of 2 worlds colliding which means conflict is inevitable. I am passionate and love very deeply which means I am also committed to working through challenges that show up. Besides, some of the best sex ever is makeup sex, right?? ;)” What do you think about this statement?
Heidi
Hi Kimberly,
I get the pain you are dealing with. Disconnecting from a strong connection is one of the hardest things to do. It hurts!!! It’s why most people will stay connected, despite their needs getting met. It’s a tough choice. You either stay and deal with the hurt of not getting your needs met or you leave and deal with the hurt that comes with disconnection. The only advantage to the latter choice, is that there is an ending to the hurt and pain. Time will help the heart heal. The first choice is a neverending pit of pain that gets built up over and over and over again…with no end in site. So as difficult and as painful as this is for you, there will be an ending to this pain because you are choosing more for yourself. The gifts that will come out of this for you are many and now that you have finally chosen to love yourself more than the connection with him, the gifts will start to reveal themselves. I’m really proud of you. I know how hard this is for you AND you are a resilient woman. The strength it takes to disconnect is also the same strength that will bring to you a man who NEEDS that kind of strength and will be able to offer that in return for you.
It’s going to be uncomfortable at work probably for a period of time. It’s okay. It will most likely be awkward, but the more you become comfortable with it, the faster it will become easier to interact only at work. I suggest journaling, yelling, crying, coloring, dancing ALL of your feelings. Whenever you feel something…DO something with that feeling. It creates movement instead of letting it get stuck in the same place, which slows down the process of healing.
I’m glad you are still out there dating. Just have fun and make it a good time to learn about yourself. Instead of looking for the whole package right now, just let yourself heal, enjoy the attention, learn about who you are and what works and doesn’t work with each guy you meet. That’s how I used dating. I discovered my judgments, insecurities, strengths, weaknesses, yucky patterns, powerful patterns. I dated all shapes, sizes and cultures in efforts to discover who I was in front of many different types of guys. Dating is such a great way to get to know yourself!
Heidi
Great! It sounds like you have a good grasp on the power you are feeling. Understanding how men operate is a pretty big game changer, isn’t it? Learning how to talk with them, understanding their general perspectives and needs in life and learning how to flow with them is so important. I was lucky in that I grew up with 2 brothers and 4 boys that lived a few houses down from me. Constantly being surrounded by male energy gave me insights about them starting from a very young age. Because of that, I always ended up with more male friends than female friends. Being around men, talking with them, understanding them has been effortless for me and because of that, dating was always easy for me. I’m so glad you found this course so you can understand them on a deeper level and which will make your dating life so much easier. You are already seeing how this new information can really shift the dynamics between you and them.
You didn’t respond at all about what I said about the divorced guy. How did what I say feel for you? I know you don’t want to let him go and truth is, you don’t have to. You can keep chasing him if you want to. You get to design your life however you want to. I’m just curious about what you feel you want to do about him. Let him go or try and stay connected?
Heidi
Whoaaaaa! Vino!!!! I’m soooo glad to hear from you!!! It sounds like a lot has opened up for you and you are feeling a brand new level of joy! What do you think has brought you to this place. If I remember correctly, you started working with a coach.
JB has been such an interesting experience for you. Is it just a friendship? I know you have more romantic feelings towards him, but I’m curious if he has ever expressed anything more than friendship towards you. Either way, he is adding some great energy into your life. Feeling safe with someone is soooooo important and I know that is something you have never felt before. It opens up a whole new world doesn’t it? I just have a GIANT smile on my face. Reading about everything you are learning, what JB is bringing into your life and how happy you are, makes me so happy!
How is your son doing? Is he stable? Is your relationship with him getting any better? And your daughter? How is the job hunt going for you? Have you settled into any ideas of what direction you want to head in for your next job?
Kanya is no longer here 🙁 I miss her! She was a great coach. So it’s me and Spyce now. She is super fun and brings a different vibe to the forum compared to me or Kanya so it’s a good thing! I will encourage her to get to know you if you decide to keep posting.
It’s so good to hear from you and it’s wonderful to hear how happy you are! You deserve to feel this and so much more!
Heidi
All of that is some great information! Thank you! Your English is fantastic by the way. I do understand everything you are saying!
Let’s talk about this a bit: I don’t necessarlily need to explore with a lot of people, if I have the right person I can exlore and make experiences with them. EVERY person you date is the right person. There is no such thing as “the one” as most people like to say. There is only “the one” for that moment. Most people will love a handful of times in their life.
I know that you are saying you want to fall in love and have those experiences with that person. I also want to say though, that every single person that steps into your life, will bring out different sides to you. Each person is a mirror and reflects back to you, who you are. So it’s actually not true that you can make experiences with your person so there really is no need to explore with other people. Exploring is sooooo important for development. In my 20s I went on dates with guys from different cultures, different shapes and sizes and various lifestyles. What those experiences taught me and showed me about myself were things that a boyfriend or a deep love could not have shown me. I discovered my judgments, I learned how to deal with various backgrounds and most importantly learned different ways to communicate, I learned where I was sensitive and fragile, I learned where I was strong, I learned how to set boundaries and the list goes on and on. I know it feels good to settle into just 1 person and grow roots with them. I know it feels good to love deeply. I know a deeper love experience also has valuable lessons however, you can love deeply at any time in your life. You will NEVER get your 20s back. I always like to suggest for people to date a lot and explore who they are during this decade. Try on different jobs, different apartments, try on different guys, different lifestyles, different fashions…your 20s are the time to do that!
In regards to the flirting, it sounds like you guys established a really good friendship, but there really wasn’t much sexual “electricity” between you guys. That’s okay though. Friendship is a key component to solid foundation and sexual electricity can always be added to the equation. Now would be a good time to start flirting consciously. It’s a VERY powerful form of communication and helps the man to view you and want you as more than just a friend. I’m curious…if you are comfortable sharing, how was the sex together? Passionate? Exciting? Romantic? Playful? Did you try different positions? Did you guys switch roles as to who was dominating or leading? Who would initiate most of the time? What would happen after sex? How long would you guys have sex for? How frequent? You don’t have to exactly answer each question. I’m looking for a general picture of what your sex life together was like. I’m asking this because if there wasn’t much flirting outside the bedroom, I wonder what happened inside. I wonder if there was just not enough sexual tension and flirting going on. He is attracted to your friend and she is leaking sexual energy and you are not. Most guys at his age would absolutely respond to that energy. It’s a very important component.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh! and you can always ask him about his experience of you. I’ve done that before and it’s been helpful for me. I suggest saying something like “Hey, so you made this comment to me and it really got me thinking. I really think that I have no clue how I’m coming across. I feel like I am being soft and connective, but maybe I’m not. Would you be willing to give me some feedback about how I come across and talk to me more about what you meant about me needing more heart?”
How does that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Myo!
Soooo good to hear from you! Like always, you are asking some great questions.
It’s so funny that this guy said you need more “heart!” Heart is about FEELING where mind is about THINKING. Yes, your personality definitely tends towards thinking and always will, so it’s not something you want to change. It’s more about bringing your interactions in dating more into balance. It’s about knowing when to be soft, connective, flirty and divinely feminine vs. when to be your strong, masculine, in control energy. It’s male energy (thinking – mind) and female energy (feeling – heart).
My guess is, considering your upbringing, you tend towards allowing the male side of yourself take over. You are very logical, structured, organized in your thinking, purposeful and deliberate. All of those things are really good things. It’s linear and allows you to create a level of predictability and control in the situation. Female energy is more circular, unpredictable, flowy and soft. I know you may feel like you are being some of those things, but my guess is, it’s not a big enough energy in your life to override your coping strategies, therefore the men will feel your masculine side more than anything.
It’s not really a switch to flip on an off at first. Eventually, you will be able to do that, but only AFTER you have full access to both your male and female sides and are suuuuper comfortable with both sides of yourself. There has been a lot of wounding to your female energy, so if you want to develop that side more, it’s about doing healing work, forgiving, releasing, getting to know this side, honoring this side etc. Once you become more in relationship with this side of yourself, your divine feminine energy will ALWAYS be there in the background of everything you do. Men will FEEL that energy from you without you even having to try. Right now, it’s a pretty shut down side of yourself, so like this last guy said, you need more heart. Is this making more sense? Is it helpful?
Heidi
