Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Blanca,
Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Are you still feeling more at peace and grounded in your choice? Are you completely moved out? How are your interactions??
Heidi
I understand how you feel.
For now, I would give some space for a bit. You have used the hero instinct 2x. You want to make sure you don’t overuse it because guys have a limit, especially when they know it’s being used to try and re-connect with them.
Do you think you can disconnect for 1 or 2 weeks? He needs to feel his life WITHOUT you. There is no way for him to feel the full consequences of his choice until he feels your absence. Then you can reach back out again, but let’s take one step at a time.
The challenge with these phrases and techniques in your particular situation, is that he has admitted to not having feelings for you. Whether that is actually true or not, doesn’t matter. If that is the story he is sticking to, these techniques will not have as much influence, because there is no momentum here.
How long are willing to work for this guy? It’s important that you get clear about this so you give yourself an ending. If he doesn’t respond by a certain date, you need to work on letting go and moving on with your life. Obviously if he does respond, then all is good! Let’s hope that is what will happen here!
Heidi
Hi Yingshui,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge and questions with us!
Your poor heart! I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. Breaking up feels awful. It’s such a powerless feeling to watch someone you deeply care about, slip through your hands.
I understand your desire to somehow help him find his way back to you. There is just one BIG problem….his fantasy of this other girl. For him to stay connected THIS long to a girl he knew for only 3 weeks and who rejected him, is telling you he is NOT emotionally available for you….or anyone for that matter. He turned this girl into a BIG fantasy and that is very dangerous. It’s a good thing that girl rejected him again, because he would end up attaching himself to her in many unhealthy ways. He has put her on a pedestal and that NEVER works out. This fantasy he carries around with him also keeps in a safe little bubble. It prevents his heart from being available and getting hurt again. It prevents him from having to risk again. It prevents him from really moving forward. He tried with you, but as you are experiencing, his fantasy is occupying his heart more than you are.
It’s good to stay away. He needs to figure this out. She rejected him again, so let’s see what he does with that. He was right to break up with you because he can’t give you what you so deeply need…a pure, open connection that can grow. In essence, he is caring about you enough to protect you from him. He cannot give you what you want and deserve…at least for right now.
There is nothing you need to DO to get him to come back. He will come back if he is inspired to. Like you already know, he tried AGAIN with that girl even after a year of dating you. He WILL take action if he feels inspired to do so. That means giving him space and letting him feel his life without you. This, more than anything, is the most important part to feel. If he doesn’t miss you, doesn’t want to come back, feels good about his choice, then you need to honor that he is not the guy for you. If he feels like he can’t live his days anymore without connecting with you, then he needs to feel and notice that and come fight for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Abbegale,
Thank you for sharing more detail.
I’m wondering if he is just scared, but on a subconscious level. If he has been burned many times and not really released all the previous hurts from those moments, then his heart is not going to be very available. Yes, there is a wisdom in going slow, but when going slow comes from a place of fear, it really mucks things up.
I know this may be hard to understand, but I have seen it MANY MANY times, especially in dating. Someone starts to actually get what they want and then they sabotage it, most of the time unknowingly. A lack of feeling is one of the ways to do that. If this is happening for him, I know this may sounds strange, but if he was really bonding and connecting with you that weekend, it would cause his walls to come up and prevent him from feeling into that connection and allowing it flourish.
If there wasn’t ANYTHING between us, then shouldnt ge have been able to give me specifics as to WHY? my gut feeling is that I believe this is coming out of being guarded still. If he is this guarded, which is highly possible, then do you REALLY want to spend your time chasing after a guy who is emotionally unavailable? If he is this guarded, all that means is a TON of work for you, just to get his attention, just to get him to kiss you, just to get him to have sex with you, just to get him to commit and so on. It would be like stepping into a situation where you are trying to CONSTANTLY figure out how to move that dam boulder up that hill. It will take all your attention, all your energy and in the meantime, it will mess with your self-esteem in BIG ways. Yes, you guys had some fun and a great connection. I understand how powerful this was for you to experience these deep conversations for the first time. But let me ask you this…if you got to have deep, soulful conversations quite frequently with men, would you be holding onto this guy so tight? A guy who is NOT inspired to move forward with you romantically? There are PLENTY of guys who are deep and soulful. I have met tons of them, but I require that from a guy if I am going to spend my time with him.
Are you truly understanding what you are stepping into trying to chase this guy? Are you truly understanding your own need to chase after a guy who is emotionally unavailable and who doesn’t have access to his romantic feelings with you?
Heidi
It will be so interesting to see what happens when Anna gets back. I look forward to hearing the update!
I’m curious…how strong are your feelings for Tim these days? On a scale of 1-10, what would you rate the intensity of what you feel for him?
Red??? Do it do it do it!!!! I’m naturally blond and was my entire life, then one day, driving to the salon, I KNEW I wanted something different and that meant either going blonder or doing dark. NEVER in my life did I think I would pick a dark color, but something shifted in me and I did it!!! I went red. I did a wine-colored kind of red at first, but eventually ended up with more of an auburn, earthy, fall colors kind of deep red. I LOVED IT!!! People who didn’t know I was a blond always thought it was my natural color. I had so much fun with it! It definitely affected my attitude as well. I learned different makeup and colors, my wardrobe changed a bit with colors and it was just an interesting experience. I went back to blond eventually because I shifted inside and now the red is calling to me again. lol. I’m thinking I will do half and half maybe…something more bold and creative. My hairdresser is movie start level, so I can feel safe in her hands. LOL. Anyways, I say go for it! You just need to find someone REALLY talented who can match the right kind of red to your skin tone. And as far as hairstyles, why not get some bangs??? No need to cut the length, but bangs ad a whole different look whether your hair is down or up. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Linsey,
Thanks for sharing more detail! It’s very helpful. Let’s just break down a few things here. There is A LOT to unpack, so I’m going to just cover a few things.
Whenever I get into anxiety mode, I also tend to focus more on the negatives and forget the positives. I just want to normalize this for you. ALL people are hardwired to focus more on the negatives than the positives. There is an incredible amount of research proving this. If you actually read books about behavior change or happiness, you will discover all kinds of things that show how much we all will look to the negative. Just a simple example is a guy who found over 500 words that explained emotion. 62% of the words were negative 38% were positive. Yikes! So just know that you’re normal. Anxiety is fear about the future. Fear will so quickly turn any situation into a hot mess of negativity!
He usually keeps things vague when I ask him a difficult question. When I consistently keep asking him the question he finally gives me more information as to why he behaves like this. It sounds like he is definitely a slow moving guy. It may take a while for him to open to you and share his personal stuff, but you also want to be VERY aware of this pattern that exists. He may be that guy who needs you to chase and chase and chase him before he is willing to give you the REAL answer. This is exhausting! Imagine doing this for 20 years! Imagine ALWAYS chasing him to get the real answer. A person that hides their deeper feelings is someone who doesn’t feel very safe and secure on deep levels. This pattern won’t really change until he works on what is going on for him OR until you decide to no longer participate in this chasing game. Does this make sense?
For me the hardest thing to understand is that he could have a “full on” relationship with his previous gf, but not with me, especially since I believe our relationship is better than his previous one (based on some stuff he said). You guys may function better, but that doesn’t mean anything. He may be holding onto a lot of fear and hurt from his past girlfriend. He let her all the way in and it didn’t work out. You have no idea how deeply that could have hurt him. My guess is, he is a guy that really holds onto things and doesn’t process the hurt, so that then becomes a wall for the next person….you. So despite how much better your relationship is, you are most likely fighting against some pretty big fears of his.
It sounds like your system has been set up to chase after connection, since you carry the fear of abandonment. Have you ever studied attachment styles?? I think this might be a good place for you to start to understand yourself a little better.
Heidi
Hi Abbegale!
Welcome to the forum! Oh my goodness, this is so confusing, isn’t it??
Let me ask you this. You guys spent a lot of time together. Did you guys flirt with each other?
You may have felt a connection, but there may have not been any sexual chemistry. There is a difference in guy’s mind.
Another possibility is that something happened that you don’t know about. Maybe an ex-girlfriend walked back into his life or he met someone else that interested him more. Maybe someone close to him died. Maybe he got diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. I know these things sound pretty far out there, but I’ve seen it happen. Everything is going great and smooth in a relationship and then BAM! Out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, one person says the dreaded “we need to just be friends” but doesn’t REALLY share what is going on behind the scenes. I’ve actually seen it more frequently happen with newer couples. There’s not enough trust or time spent together to share such personal information. Something like this is hard to know though.
Has anyone you know seen you guys together? I ask that to see if anyone else saw or felt the connection between you guys and commented on it or validated what you felt with him. There is the possibility that what you felt was being mis-understood OR that he was just playing games…and lord knows there are plenty of guys who know how to play games like this. His response was pretty cold though.
This is a strange situation for sure. Hopefully we can help you figure something out.
Heidi
Hi Linsey,
Welcome to the forum! It’s great to have you here and sharing your concerns and questions about your relationship.
You ask if you are over-reacting. The thing is Linsey, relationships are different for everybody, so one person would say yes and another would say not at all. What’s more important to focus on is whether your needs feel good for you or not.
It sounds like the theme of not feeling important in his life is a BIG deal for you. It’s constantly on your mind, yes? I imagine that there is a lot of anxiety around wondering whether or not he is going to make plans with you, does he see you in his future, why won’t he invite me into his social circle etc. It’s affecting every area of your relationship. So your need of feeling more important in his life is an important need to pay attention to.
I’m curious…is this a pattern you tend to deal with in your life? How is/was your relationship with your parents/siblings?
It sounds like you are both on different pages and I’m not sure he is being completely honest with you. To say “it’s complicated” as an answer to why he doesn’t invite you to meet his friends is a very general answer that is more about avoidance than anything. That seems to be his pattern. From what you have told, I gotta be honest and say that he doesn’t seem very invested or he is an EXTREMELY slow starter, which can be frustrating for anyone. If you want to stay with this guy, it’s about finding a way to accept him for who he is. Instead of having conversations about him making more of an effort to see you and bring you into his life, maybe start to have conversations about his perspective, his feelings, his fears, the stories he has about what it means to introduce you to his friends or have more visits. Meaning, get to the core root causes of why he behaves how he does instead of just looking at the symptom. Something is stopping him from really investing in you, so it’s about you searching for those answers to gain deeper understanding and working from that place. If all he ever willing to say is “it’s complicated” and he is not willing to share more than that, then you have a guy who is just not that interested in being known or knowing you. He is not emotionally available to the level that you require and therefore you have a decision you have to make.
I know there are a lot of good things going on as well. It doesn’t change that you just don’t feel very important or included in his thinking, his life, his plans. You can also look at your own needs and see your needs are coming from a place of insecurity or coming from a place of clarity. Is this a pattern or feeling you have experienced a lot in your life? I know for me, I have very high requirements/standards for emotional availability…higher than most, but I feel VERY CLEAR about that and it’s not coming from an insecurity but instead coming from a requirement in order for the relationship to function at a certain level. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
I totally get it about Dave. I think the best thing you can say is “I just don’t feel the way I want to feel in order to move beyond a friendship. I enjoy hanging out with you as a friend, but that’s the only vibe I feel for you.” The poor guy! Haha! It’s just life right. Dave is chasing you, you are chasing Tim, Tim is chasing Anna and Anna is chasing everyone! LOL! You guys could be a reality show, right???
Eye contact is SO HUGE with flirting. You can make a guy’s stomach drop into his loins with a quick, powerful glance. It’s amazing isn’t it? Guys know this too! It’s probably the number 1 way that 2 strangers end up connecting at bars, parties etc. TONS of people between them, but somehow, eye contact is made and the connection begins. It sounds like you are getting a flavor of it!!! I flirt with my guy friends all the time, but it’s SUPER clear it’s just flirting and nothing more. It’s just fun. You just keep the conversation flowing after a flirty comment so your friends don’t feel like the flirting has to mean anything or lead somewhere.
So I’m curious…what color would you experiment with? What kind of hairstyle would you consider?
Heidi
It’s so nice of you to acknowledge the work we do here. It makes us all feel REALLY good when someone truly sees what we are doing here and our intentions. You have good “eyes!”
You are almost done packing! It really is turning out so well isn’t it?? You are staying grounded, you feel complete, you are more connected to yourself and you feel ready to move on. Who knows if you will stay friends, but that doesn’t matter at this point. Like you said, one day at a time. You are doing such a great job!!!
Once I get your email from my co-worker, I’ll send you the information for my Coach. I understand you want your mom to know the other side of you. Of course you do. To be realistic, it’s probably not going to happen. It doesn’t sound like that is who she is or interested in becoming. Healing is more about working on the wounds inside yourself and THEN you are able to more fully accept and embrace others for exactly who they are…and it’s more peaceful. It’s about you becoming more aligned and authentic of who you are and accepting the consequences when it rubs up against someone you love and care about. It’s a journey for sure, but I have no doubt you will navigate it with grace and with the very best intentions.
Keep connected to us!!! Hearing your updates are really wonderful!
Heidi
Dave has told me that he really thinks I’m an interesting person and that he likes talking to me.
This was a bit overwhelming for me, What about this was overwhelming?I know you say Dave isn’t your “type.” Slow down a bit. One thing I have learned over the many years of dating, sometimes my lack of interest OR my interest were coming from blocks or old emotional wounds. MANY MANY MANY times I couldn’t “feel” things for guys would treat me really well. Later, I learned that I had some really big blocks and resistance to being treated well. Now that doesn’t mean I would have liked those guys if I didn’t have those blocks. It just meant that it was good for me to slow down and really explore what my different reactions were to each guy on a much deeper level. If you operate from the assumption that “EMOTIONS ARE NOT FACTS” then what you feel for Tim or for Dave could have a mixture of some of old hurts you are holding onto but unaware of. Believe me, I understand your dilemma and at the end of the day, you can only make decisions to the best of your ability. What’s most important is that you stay aligned with yourself, no matter what. I think it’s wise to keep a distance from Dave or to be honest that you don’t feel the same way. Being honest with him will help him be able to let you go.
I was at a party last weekend and tried some of the flirting advice that you gave me, and that I saw from the movie. And I must say, it acutally worked really well. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this! Tell me more! What did you do and what were the kind of responses you were getting! Go job practicing!!!
As far as your hair, I totally get it. I have a hairdresser friend who is movie start status and she said using the right products and conditioners and masks on the hair is SUPER important otherwise it WILL ruin the hair. Diet plays a HUGE role in the quality of your hair as well. So needless to say, even though I get my hair colored a few times a year, it is soooo shiny and healthy because of everything she has me doing for it. Just a thought.
Heidi
There’s something SO, SO, SO satisfying getting excited about something together! This is what is called like-mindedness. It’s actually a VERY important pillar to a successful relationship and a TON of research has been done on this topic. I remember originally learning about it probably 20 years ago. Imagine you are sitting on a cliff, overlooking the ocean right at sunset. It’s beautiful right???? What they discovered though, is that if someone walked up next to you and you said, “Look at this! Isn’t it breathtaking?” And they responded something like, “Yah, yah. It’s nice. We gotta go” you will physically and energetically drop BELOW the mood level you were even before you saw the sunset. Basically, someone who is NOT like-minded (in areas that are important for you) it can actually bring stress into your nervous system. BUT, if someone were to come along and say “Oh my goodness, YES!!! This is a perfect moment and we need to sit her for a while and take this beauty in!” it would actually bring you HIGHER than you could have ever gone yourself. So a like-minded person will ELEVATE you and someone who is not like-minded will STRESS you.
It’s interesting how you are having other experiences with men and how you are comparing them to JB. JB sounds quite special for you and it warms my heart that you get to experience these kinds of feelings with JB and he is able to hold space for them and keeps choosing to participate.
As far as trust, you really are diving deeper into this! It’s soooooo great! Here is a little tip that may add to your journey. Trust is fundamentally about trusting your SELF. So what you are doing when you head into the worst scenario and fears of driving with your kids, is you are learning you can trust YOURSELF that no matter what happens, it will all be okay. That internal trust in yourself is what makes you be able to relax and let life happen. That internal trust allows you to take risks. That internal trust is about you feeling like you can lean on yourself and that you are resilient. Well done!!!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE all that you are sharing! It’s so good to connect with you again!
Heidi
Hi Blanca,
Wow! I love that you get to be in the phase of peace and deep understanding. Who knows how long it will last. Breakups are a rollercoaster ride and you never know when you get to go up or down. Either way, you are guiding yourself slowly off of that ride in such a beautiful way, so you WILL get there! Good job!!!
As far as your mom, I’m so glad you are connecting to this unhealthy pattern. It’s okay for your mom to be awesome AND limited and harmful. Her beliefs have caused a lot of harm for you and programmed you into behaving and interacting with “love” in a specific way. Your mom’s beliefs have programmed you to pair love and control together. It’s obviously not the full version of love you experience, as you have other experiences and beliefs about love. Your mom’s influence, to this very day, is just part of the story. I’m happy to hear you are willing to look at this aspect! It will shift A LOT for you!
I like this book: Dark side of the light chasers by Debbie Ford.
As far as therapies, I like to guide people towards a therapist/coach that has a skillset to deal with the deeper, core roots of programs/wounds/limiting beliefs. Talk therapy is the LEAST effective type of therapy. So looking for someone with skills like EMDR, Brainspotting, Gestalt etc. would be a good place to start. My coach would actually be a brilliant fit for you. She can traverse the deep aspects of the psyche extremely well. She is masterful with working in the core root causes of our belief systems and creating healing. She does it pretty quickly as well. I’m happy to send you her contact info. (she only works from a referral basis, so she doesn’t have a website). Just let me know and I’ll send it to you privately through email.
Hope this all helps!!!
Heidi
Hi Sono,
It sounds like you are starting to truly accept that a relationship with him may not be to the level of health you are truly looking for. It’s a suuuuper hard truth to connect to and it takes great courage and strength to step into that truth and let go of someone you love and thought you had a future with.
I realized that I was reacting too sensitively from my past traumas so I am working on it I love that you realized this about yourself! We ALL do this and always will. It’s just a normal part of being human. So even if you are sensitive and have over reactions, it’s okay! It’s normal and is to be expected. Healthy people who are connected to themselves will acknowledge it. You cannot help that you have sensitive reactions, but you can help what you do with your reaction. Your unconditional love approach is brilliant and spot on and that’s what you want to look for in a partner as well. When you have extra sensitive moments, you want someone who doesn’t take it personally and is able to have compassion for the wounds you carry. And if your trigger ends up triggering them, then you want someone who has a high enough emotional intelligence to take responsibility for their own over reaction and has the skillset, desire and ability to work through it as well. That’s what a healthy relationship does. Each person takes responsibility for their baggage, they both have a desire to grow and learn from it and they stay connected as each person faces their “shadow” side. It sounds like that is the path you are on and I want to encourage you to keep on that path. There are many, many gifts waiting for you!!!
Heidi
Wow Rhonda! Look at you! Your boss actually likes you! At least for now. This is great! This is the power you have within you. You are the ONE person he is being nice to. Hopefully that will spread into other people. Either way, it sounds like you are doing a great job and that he appreciates that. You are one less person for him to yell at.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of going to a dog park and taking action shots! What a great idea! I always meet new people at the dog park, so good thinking! Let us know how that goes!!!
How’s your son doing? Any prospects on a job?
Heidi
