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Hi Jasime,
Thank you for the update. How about you share with us about how you are going to start the conversation. What and how you express your feelings can make or make a conversation, so let us help you craft something that is healthy and will hopefully lead you in the direction you want.
Just some things to think about. When confronting, it’s important to be VERY VERY VERY clear about what you want from. Men respond much better to SPECIFICS and black and white instruction. Women many times will get so lost in their emotions and then men get frustrated because they have no idea what to do. For example, you might say “I want more connection.” Well what does that mean? Connection to a guy is VERY different than connection to a woman. So instead saying “When I expressed some of my frustrations with you initially, I felt dismissed and like you were not really interested in what I was saying. That does not work for me. If you want to stay in relationship with me, I need to feel like you are interested in what I am saying. I would like to have conversations about what I’m struggling with and get your help with understanding your perspective as well. That will make me feel so much more connected with you and will inspire me to want to work through anything with you.” Get the difference?
I would not say anything like “It’s not fair what you are doing to me.” That’s a victim statement and will shut him down. Instead you say, “When you pull away and stop communicating with me, it hurts. I can handle being hurt by you because it’s just part of being human. What I will not handle is you not caring about how I am feeling. It felt like every time I tried to talk to you about what was going on for me, you blew me off. I felt very dismissed and that makes me feel like I don’t have a partner.” In this type of statement, they are “I” statements and you are sticking with how “I” feel vs. how “you” made me feel. Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Blanca,
Thank you for sharing more. More details are helpful along with your perception and the stories you are telling yourself about what is happening. Let’s look at a few things that stood out for me.
I wonder if he is right about running away from me and I’m the one with the problem? This is your story. Something is “wrong” with you and that’s why this and other relationships have not worked out. There is nothing “wrong” with you. Our patterns and limitations are areas of our humanness where we are less effective in situations, but truth is, that is just a normal part of humanness. Relationships don’t last because there is nothing wrong with people. Relationships last because 2 people decide, on a daily basis, they want to go through life with the other person and they are saying yes to working through hardships together. That’s what’s missing here. There is nothing “wrong” with you…he is not willing to do the work. If he is not willing to work through his fears and your fears TOGETHER, that is NOT a partnership. What is “wrong” is that he is not a good match for you.
I coach people to pay attention to the WORST in someone before deciding to invite them into the deep parts of your heart. How do they handle stress? How do they treat you in those super stressful moments? How do they treat themselves and others? Their worst is what will make or break a relationship. He is showing you that in his worst, he runs away and ends the relationship. He blames you for his feelings and is not willing to do otherwise. Do you think that is something you are able to love and work with for 20 years? If he were to never change, are you able to fully accept and embrace this coping mechanism of his?
Let’s look at the fact here. You have an issue that triggered him. He is not running because you have an issue. He is running because he doesn’t want to work through the issue with you. He is using YOUR issue as an excuse for things not to work. He will ALWAYS end up single at some point because EVERYONE has issues!
The thing is, he has been able to keep two long term relationships (one lasted 16 years and the other 12 years) before we got together. I on the other had, was married for 12 years, 20 years ago and since have not been able to hold a relationship longer than 2 years. Do you really think that how many years together is an indicator of success??? It’s like saying how much you weigh is a determining factor of health. Nope! It IS an indicator of some sort but NOT the full story. There are PLENTY of skinny people that are so incredibly unhealthy and thicker people who are very vibrant and healthy. Long term relationships DO NOT equal a healthy relationship. For all you know is that both parties stayed together for so long because breaking up was too hard to do, so they stayed unhealthy until they couldn’t stand it anymore. I’m 47 and haven’t been in a relationship longer than 3 years (which happened back in college). Does that mean I have something “wrong” and dysfunctional in me? If you look at just the math, of course! But if you knew the full story, who I was and how I live my life, you would say, “That makes so much sense!” Of course there are limiting beliefs and patterns in my life that play into why I haven’t been in a looooong term relationship, but you know what? I am working on all aspects of myself ALL THE TIME! I’m growing and healing and that is best that I can possibly do. I feel like I am a hugely, powerful successful person, especially in relationship. The levels and understanding I have with love run VERY deep, so the relationships I do have, are beautiful and fulfilling with EVERYONE. My long term person will show whenever he does and I guarantee you, it will be a very powerful and transformative and exciting adventure. The same will be true for you, but you have to keep fighting for that kind of love. A high vibe, healthy, nourishing, vibrant love doesn’t just show up. You have to EARN THE RIGHT to experience love at that level. The only way to have that is to face your fears, clear your limiting beliefs, forgive yourself and others along the way and accept nothing less than being treated with the utmost respect, honor and kindness AT ALL TIMES. It takes WORK to be the kind of person than can hold the space for a powerful love like this. You are on your way, he is not. You are at least willing to look at yourself and your patterns. YOu are willing to learn, you are willing to communicate, you are willing to walk away from an unhealthy connection, you are willing to grow. THAT IS THE PATH!!! He is none of these.
Do you really want to fight for someone who doesn’t approach challenge and discord with the same mindset that you do?
Heidi
Hi Blanca,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story and your challenges with us. You are at a very important crossroads in your life. You are finally acknowledging some of your patterns and limiting behaviors that show up in a relationship. That’s the first step! And now you are willing to grow and learn, which is a wonderful place to be.
I’m curious. You said you saw some of your mistakes that you are recycling with men. What are those mistakes you have identified?
It seems BOTH you and your ex have the same exact story about “love” and relationship, but expressing it with different flavors. He defines love and commitment by meeting your family. The same is true for you, but you require stability first. The thing is, you BOTH have stories that are dysfunctional. His need to meet your family comes from a place of woundedness. He is not feeling safe in the relationship unless he meets your family. That request is controlling. He is wanting things to be HIS way in order to feel secure in the relationship. A healthier person would not need to meet your family in order to feel secure in the relationship. They would be able to accept the relationship as is and if they are feeling insecure, they look for what’s happening on the INSIDE of themselves and not require, demand or threaten the relationship if they didn’t get what they wanted. You, on the other hand, are also not feeling secure in the relationship. You are wanting something from HIM (more stability) before you move forward. So you see, you both are doing the same exact thing to each other, just in a different way. He is trying to control by wanting to meet your family and you are trying to control by wanting more from him and not allowing him to meet your family. Both are dysfunctional and coming from a place of fear. You BOTH have specific stories about what love and commitment is.
The truth is, who cares if he meets your family? Guys I date meet my mom all the time because she is a huge part of my life. For me, a guy meeting my mom DOES NOT mean things are serious and stable and going somewhere. I know many people are like you where they put HUGE meaning on the boyfriend meeting the friends and family. My point being, is you can create whatever story you want to create. If you want it to be a serious event, then understand the deep reasons why you choose that story. If you want to make it a non-issue and not a big deal about meeting the family, then understand the deep reasons for that story as well.
You can only work with yourself and deal with your reactions to his demands. I will tell you, it’s a BIG RED FLAG for him to end the relationship because he is not getting what he wants. This is just a foreshadow of what will show up in the future. He is NOT being a team player. He is NOT spending time trying to understand your needs, your desires, your fears, your challenges with his request. He is NOT looking at himself and working through what is triggering him. Instead he is running and blaming you. So despite your “mistakes” and failure in any given relationship, remember that you are not the only one participating here. The other person is ALSO responsible for their mistakes and the failure. So make sure you are only taking on your side of things and not blaming yourself for the entire failure of the relationship.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
It’s a very hard reality to face. The real truth is, you need to do what feels the best for you. Sometimes that means that you are not ready to let, despite the pain he activates in you. No matter what me or anyone else says, you are the only one who knows when you are ready to let go. I have stayed MANY MANY times past the expiration date, despite the hurt it would cause. I would know the truth and I would know exactly why I was staying. I had a very high pain tolerance during those times, so I wouldn’t let go until it was just so bad I couldn’t stand it anymore. So you get to stay and keep trying to fight if you want. I just tell people, if you want to stay, then make the best of it. It’s going to hurt, he isn’t going to change, you will keep being rejected. So to make this the most purposeful decision, learn about yourself. What’s the CORE reason you would stay in a situation where you are not treated like gold? What is your relationship to pain? What stories are you telling yourself about love? You say you love him, but is it REALLY love if he treats you this way? Love is NOT love if you exclude yourself from the equation. Would you say that loving him is ALSO loving yourself? These kinds of questions take you on a journey inside of yourself and turn any challenging situation into something more purposeful.
If you are ready to disconnect, then great! I also want to recommend to listen to your friends and family a bit more. If you value them in your life and you feel they have pretty good perspectives, then pay attention to their opinions. If they didn’t like him, then give that value!!! Love is blind. The chemicals and connection are sooo strong sometimes and we end up ignoring all the caution flags. Them not liking him is a HUGE caution flag! If my mom for example, didn’t like who I chose to connect with, there is NO WAY in a million years he is going to be in my life. My mom is a wise woman and the most important person in my life. If she doesn’t like a guy, she will always honor and respect my choice, but her opinion means something and she is sensing something I am not able to see. We all NEED each other to help keep a clearer perspective, especially when it comes to love. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rosemary,
I am sooooo sorry for what you are going through!
I’m just going to be VERY blunt here. He has crossed the line by becoming abusive. If I understand correctly, he was abusive with you. He is cheating and he has not interest in caring about you or your children. He sounds like a narcissist. If he is, NOTHING WILL CHANGE. This is who he is. I imagine he was like this even when you first met, but you just didn’t notice as much. As time goes on and relationships deepen, the patterns that are buried deep in a person will surface, so that’s why sometimes it will take many years for things to get really bad.
My advice is for you to get away from this guy. He is abusive and it will only get worse. I don’t know if he has abused your kids, but if he hasn’t, they are next. Your choice is to either stay and continue to be miserable or leave now, before things get worse and figure out how to build your life without him. You have to protect your family. Staying in an abusive relationship is putting your kids in sooooo much danger of either being abused by him or losing their mother because dad went too far. Then you won’t be around to protect them at all. So what do you want? He is NOT going to change so that is not an option here.
Heidi
whoa!!! You did it!!!!
How are you doing??? I know how hard this was, but you really are fighting for yourself. You are being a good role model for him even though he may not see it that way right now. He is much more in his victim energy, so he gets to stay there as long as he wants without anyone telling him to be different. Good job for accepting him for who he is and wants to be. His parents need to do the same. You might want to encourage that from them if you speak again.
If he reaches out, don’t respond. Don’t be his emergency contact either. It’s time for you to move on and truly make some different choices and that means completely severing all communication. Once you feel like you could run into him on the street and see him with another woman and not feel hurt about it, THEN you can be friends if that is an option. Right now, your focus needs to be on you and feeling who you are without him. I know ignoring him doesn’t feel good, but it’s okay. He needs to feel like you aren’t an option anymore. You have very clearly communicated that things are over and you have moved out. That says everything that needs to be said, so there’s no reason for him to reach out anymore and for you to respond.
The hardest part is not reaching our or responding of course. It’s SUPER important to be VERY kind and compassionate to yourself. Fill your days with things that engage you and make you happy. Surround yourself with flowers, get an adult coloring book, take baths, read interesting books, learn a new language, start a new project, go visit some animals in the pet store, talk to everyone you meet and start conversations, even in the line at the grocery store. Engage yourself in your life and fill yourself up with everything you can think of. In the meantime, keep telling yourself that it’s over. Period. Then fill your mind with the possibilities that are waiting for you. Imagine a relationship with a high functioning guy. What would that look like? Feel like? How would you guys play together? How would you fight? What would your weekends together look like? What places would you guys go to? Start filling yourself with a NEW vision of a relationship that you WANT to participate in and with someone who expands your life, not contracts it.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Erin,
I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s awful to be rejected like this. You didn’t do anything wrong and his choice to stop talking has NOTHING to do with you. It just sounds like he’s just not in that space to offer more. I know it hurts though. It feels like you were used. That’s why it’s always important to be VERY clear in the beginning about what you want. That way the guy will walk away BEFORE you open up to him sexually. It feels so much better that way. You may still feel rejected, but you won’t feel used, because you protected yourself from that.
How are you doing? How are you feeling?
Heidi
You are soooo welcome! You are one of the few smart people out there willing to reach out for help to gain a deeper understanding of your situation. Most people just take the path of figuring things out on their own and that usually just creates more chaos. I’m honored to get to be a source for you!
What exactely do you mean with setting the guy up to not really emotionally attach? What does set a guy up to emotionally attach then? A FWB situation pretty much means the guy gets to have sex without needing to invest any of his emotions. Men are so strongly sexually motivated and many will jump at the opportunity to get laid without needing to do all the extra “work” of a relationship. So FWB is setting the guy up to get laid without needing to emotionally attach. As long as the woman stays on the same page, it’s all good and works just fine.
Getting a guy to emotionally attach means that you REQUIRE him to invest and that you will accept nothing less than that from him. It means having standards as to how you are treated and accepting nothing less than that. Having a TON of experience, I will tell you that the RIGHT guy will respect that about you. A guy RESPECTS a woman who expects him to invest and doesn’t just open her legs so easily. A guy who doesn’t want to emotionally invest will step aside and go about his way when you don’t offer up your body without work and effort from him. I grew up with 4 boys down the street, 2 brothers and most of my life have always had more male friends compared to female friends. I heard EVERYTHING from men. I was one of those girls that was always accepted as “one of the boys” and they always spoke freely in front of me. That also meant I had several FWB experiences too. Guys, no matter what they say, don’t really “respect” a woman who is “easy.” And by that I mean a woman who has sex easily and then gets emotionally attached. The most successful FWB situations I had, which were a lot, I stayed emotionally distant and even before I hooked up with them, I still made them work a bit and wait. Even after hooking up, he would still have to work to keep my attention. I ALWAYS created a feeling like he had to work for it every single time he wanted to have sex. That means I would require dinner, I would require foreplay, I would require intelligent conversation. Anything less than that and I wouldn’t be interested. It’s how guys work. They NEED to work for it. The game changes as you get older, but the concept stays the same.
I know it sounds like a “game” and it is. It’s an important game though. Even when you get married, it’s important to keep the game going. Just because you are married does not mean either of you becomes lazy. You want to ALWAYS maintain the mindset that you need to work to keep him engaged and interested and so does he. He needs to ALWAYS be chasing you and you need to ALWAYS be doing things to inspire that from him. The game itself is healthy and beautiful, but like anything, the game can become very unhealthy. When I played that game, it was very unhealthy. I had so much low self-esteem and getting guys to chase me was my source of self-esteem. So now I use the same skills but not as a source for my value, but as a way to keep things fun and interesting.
Does this make sense???
Heidi
Hi Julie!
Wow! You are really going through a lot right now. I’m soooo so sorry you are having to deal with this.
Considering his pattern that he tends to just ghost and call it “working on himself” and then decides to sort of return when he feels like, it might be worth really looking at whether you are willing to deal with this pattern. Who knows why he does this and honestly, it doesn’t matter. It’s HOW he deals with stress in his life that matters. So when things get tough enough, he feels completely okay with bailing. What he is showing you, is that you CANNOT rely on him when things get difficult. What kind of father is he? Is he present and involved quite a bit or does he disappear from their lives as well? Either way, you know enough about him to know he is a runner. He also knows enough about you that he can run, but you will take him back, so there really are no real consequences to him running away and ghosting you. YOU are the one teaching him that it’s okay to treat you this way. So if you want things to change, then it’s about you deciding what your limits and boundaries are and then sticking to them.
So what do you want? If you know he is a runner and will disappear when the stress is high enough and that WILL NOT change, are you able to accept this?
Heidi
HI Victoria!!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE how much are participating with other people. This particular thread ended a few years ago, so the people are no longer active. You can just look at the dates above the names to see when they posted, just to make sure it’s current.
Heidi
Hi Brooke,
We are really glad you are here asking for some help. Your desires and needs are good ones and it’s time you start to fight for them.
First, my concern is that he is wanting to meet with you only Friday nights that are late. Are you POSITIVE he isn’t in a relationship already? So far, what he has communicated to you through his ACTIONS is that he is not interested in anything serious and I’m sure is looking for a FWB situation. Many guys will take that route if a woman is open to it. The fact that this guy says all those nice things about you, but doesn’t follow through with any of it in a meaningful way…that just says to me he is a player. Players know what to say and how to say it to get a woman’s attention and to also get her into bed. Women fall for it ALL THE TIME!!! And why wouldn’t we??? It feels amazing to hear how beautiful and sexy and smart we are. And it’s all true, but that’s about as deep as it will go.
Why would this guy say all of these things about you for 2 years and never ask you out? Don’t you find that strange? What made him finally ask you out now? And now that he finally had a “taste” of you, he becomes less available and connective and then wants to meet with you again Friday night after work…of which he is just looking to get laid again.
So here is the thing….being straight up about what you want is NOT pushing him into anything. It’s you setting a boundary and communicating what you are and are not willing to participate in. It’s simple. You just say “We’ve known each other for a few years and you’ve always given me the most amazing compliments. You were always making me feel really good about myself. I know we hooked up the other night, but I need to be honest and let you know that I’m not a FWB kind of girl anymore. I’m interested in having a deeper experience. I get the feeling that’s not what you are really looking for right now. So if you would like to start dating and take sex off the table for a bit while we really get to know each other, I”m game. If not, no hard feelings.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Help . I always attract men who just want me for sex and for once , I want a guy who wants to date me and likes being around me THis is about YOU, not them. There are always going to be guys chasing you for what you have between your legs. This is about you finally deciding to align with what you really want and not settling for anything less than that. If you keep saying yes to the guys, they will keep showing up. When you start to say no, not interested, your energy will shift and will start to attract more guys that truly want to know you. I’ve been you are at right now and have gotten past that phase and it’s a completely different pool of guys that show up for me now. I have higher self esteem and more self respect and less fear about hurting their feelings. Because of that, I now REQUIRE respect and REQUIRE to be treated very well, otherwise they will get NONE of my energy. So those are the kind of guys that show up in my life. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Tea,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s a tough one for sure! You are a very smart woman to come here and get some guidance and ask for opinions. Good job!
It’s obvious you deeply care for each other and there is a strong connection. It’s also obvious from what you have shared, that is dealing with an incredible amount of regret, fear and guilt/shame. This is a tough one.
if he wanted to be with me and his feelings were genuine he would be with me. This is actually not a true statement. I have no doubt he DOES love you as deeply as he is able. The thing is, his fear and guilt and shame are BIGGER than his love for you. You are competing against those feelings he carries that are like a million pounds on his shoulders. I will tell you this now…when the baggage is THAT big, you will lose every single time. This has nothing to do with you. His journey is about facing those fears and story he tells himself about his situation. You are a gift for him because now he gets to feel and experience something completely different, which I have no doubt gives him strength. Regardless, I would not believe anything he says at this point about moving forward with you. His guilt/shame is still VERY big and until he deals with those feelings, forgives himself and releases the story he carries about being a bad person, there will be no room in his future for you. I wish love were enough. If it were, we wouldn’t have a 50% divorce rate. So, are you willing to shift what you need from him? Are you willing to take a step back?
Heidi
Hi Kimberly!
I wanted to check in with you. How are you doing? Are you able to hold strong in your choice? Maybe you have wavered and decided to put energy back into the connection again. That’s okay! We are here to help you through all of it, no matter your choice. We would love an update!
Heidi
Hi Victoria!
Welcome! We are really glad you are here!
Isn’t crazy how we do that??? Believe me, you are NOT alone. It’s actually a very common “toxic trait.” I love that you are able to recognize this about yourself.
I’m curious. What do you know and understand about this trait in you? Do you know why you do that? Do you know where it comes from? Are you able to recognize your thoughts and feelings as begin to friend zone the “perfect man?” Tell us more about it!
Heidi
I LOVE that you got Carl to respond! You totally knew the languaging that would inspire him to WANT to meet with you! Well done!!! And then you did the same thing with your boss! I’ll tell ya, you really are mastering the skills of communication. I know you wish you had this kind of success with your dating life, but I can’t think of a better way to practice and get some amazing feedback! You are making men move that normally would not move. This is EXACTLY what you would be doing with dating and being in relationship with someone. It’s all about finding ways to INSPIRE a man instead of push or force your agenda. I just have a HUUUUGE smile on my face for what you have done!!!
What a bummer about the dating agency. It definitely is NOT a good fit! There are others out there, so keep on looking.
Heidi
