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I totally get it about Dave. I think the best thing you can say is “I just don’t feel the way I want to feel in order to move beyond a friendship. I enjoy hanging out with you as a friend, but that’s the only vibe I feel for you.” The poor guy! Haha! It’s just life right. Dave is chasing you, you are chasing Tim, Tim is chasing Anna and Anna is chasing everyone! LOL! You guys could be a reality show, right???
Eye contact is SO HUGE with flirting. You can make a guy’s stomach drop into his loins with a quick, powerful glance. It’s amazing isn’t it? Guys know this too! It’s probably the number 1 way that 2 strangers end up connecting at bars, parties etc. TONS of people between them, but somehow, eye contact is made and the connection begins. It sounds like you are getting a flavor of it!!! I flirt with my guy friends all the time, but it’s SUPER clear it’s just flirting and nothing more. It’s just fun. You just keep the conversation flowing after a flirty comment so your friends don’t feel like the flirting has to mean anything or lead somewhere.
So I’m curious…what color would you experiment with? What kind of hairstyle would you consider?
Heidi
It’s so nice of you to acknowledge the work we do here. It makes us all feel REALLY good when someone truly sees what we are doing here and our intentions. You have good “eyes!”
You are almost done packing! It really is turning out so well isn’t it?? You are staying grounded, you feel complete, you are more connected to yourself and you feel ready to move on. Who knows if you will stay friends, but that doesn’t matter at this point. Like you said, one day at a time. You are doing such a great job!!!
Once I get your email from my co-worker, I’ll send you the information for my Coach. I understand you want your mom to know the other side of you. Of course you do. To be realistic, it’s probably not going to happen. It doesn’t sound like that is who she is or interested in becoming. Healing is more about working on the wounds inside yourself and THEN you are able to more fully accept and embrace others for exactly who they are…and it’s more peaceful. It’s about you becoming more aligned and authentic of who you are and accepting the consequences when it rubs up against someone you love and care about. It’s a journey for sure, but I have no doubt you will navigate it with grace and with the very best intentions.
Keep connected to us!!! Hearing your updates are really wonderful!
Heidi
Dave has told me that he really thinks I’m an interesting person and that he likes talking to me.
This was a bit overwhelming for me, What about this was overwhelming?I know you say Dave isn’t your “type.” Slow down a bit. One thing I have learned over the many years of dating, sometimes my lack of interest OR my interest were coming from blocks or old emotional wounds. MANY MANY MANY times I couldn’t “feel” things for guys would treat me really well. Later, I learned that I had some really big blocks and resistance to being treated well. Now that doesn’t mean I would have liked those guys if I didn’t have those blocks. It just meant that it was good for me to slow down and really explore what my different reactions were to each guy on a much deeper level. If you operate from the assumption that “EMOTIONS ARE NOT FACTS” then what you feel for Tim or for Dave could have a mixture of some of old hurts you are holding onto but unaware of. Believe me, I understand your dilemma and at the end of the day, you can only make decisions to the best of your ability. What’s most important is that you stay aligned with yourself, no matter what. I think it’s wise to keep a distance from Dave or to be honest that you don’t feel the same way. Being honest with him will help him be able to let you go.
I was at a party last weekend and tried some of the flirting advice that you gave me, and that I saw from the movie. And I must say, it acutally worked really well. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this! Tell me more! What did you do and what were the kind of responses you were getting! Go job practicing!!!
As far as your hair, I totally get it. I have a hairdresser friend who is movie start status and she said using the right products and conditioners and masks on the hair is SUPER important otherwise it WILL ruin the hair. Diet plays a HUGE role in the quality of your hair as well. So needless to say, even though I get my hair colored a few times a year, it is soooo shiny and healthy because of everything she has me doing for it. Just a thought.
Heidi
There’s something SO, SO, SO satisfying getting excited about something together! This is what is called like-mindedness. It’s actually a VERY important pillar to a successful relationship and a TON of research has been done on this topic. I remember originally learning about it probably 20 years ago. Imagine you are sitting on a cliff, overlooking the ocean right at sunset. It’s beautiful right???? What they discovered though, is that if someone walked up next to you and you said, “Look at this! Isn’t it breathtaking?” And they responded something like, “Yah, yah. It’s nice. We gotta go” you will physically and energetically drop BELOW the mood level you were even before you saw the sunset. Basically, someone who is NOT like-minded (in areas that are important for you) it can actually bring stress into your nervous system. BUT, if someone were to come along and say “Oh my goodness, YES!!! This is a perfect moment and we need to sit her for a while and take this beauty in!” it would actually bring you HIGHER than you could have ever gone yourself. So a like-minded person will ELEVATE you and someone who is not like-minded will STRESS you.
It’s interesting how you are having other experiences with men and how you are comparing them to JB. JB sounds quite special for you and it warms my heart that you get to experience these kinds of feelings with JB and he is able to hold space for them and keeps choosing to participate.
As far as trust, you really are diving deeper into this! It’s soooooo great! Here is a little tip that may add to your journey. Trust is fundamentally about trusting your SELF. So what you are doing when you head into the worst scenario and fears of driving with your kids, is you are learning you can trust YOURSELF that no matter what happens, it will all be okay. That internal trust in yourself is what makes you be able to relax and let life happen. That internal trust allows you to take risks. That internal trust is about you feeling like you can lean on yourself and that you are resilient. Well done!!!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE all that you are sharing! It’s so good to connect with you again!
Heidi
Hi Blanca,
Wow! I love that you get to be in the phase of peace and deep understanding. Who knows how long it will last. Breakups are a rollercoaster ride and you never know when you get to go up or down. Either way, you are guiding yourself slowly off of that ride in such a beautiful way, so you WILL get there! Good job!!!
As far as your mom, I’m so glad you are connecting to this unhealthy pattern. It’s okay for your mom to be awesome AND limited and harmful. Her beliefs have caused a lot of harm for you and programmed you into behaving and interacting with “love” in a specific way. Your mom’s beliefs have programmed you to pair love and control together. It’s obviously not the full version of love you experience, as you have other experiences and beliefs about love. Your mom’s influence, to this very day, is just part of the story. I’m happy to hear you are willing to look at this aspect! It will shift A LOT for you!
I like this book: Dark side of the light chasers by Debbie Ford.
As far as therapies, I like to guide people towards a therapist/coach that has a skillset to deal with the deeper, core roots of programs/wounds/limiting beliefs. Talk therapy is the LEAST effective type of therapy. So looking for someone with skills like EMDR, Brainspotting, Gestalt etc. would be a good place to start. My coach would actually be a brilliant fit for you. She can traverse the deep aspects of the psyche extremely well. She is masterful with working in the core root causes of our belief systems and creating healing. She does it pretty quickly as well. I’m happy to send you her contact info. (she only works from a referral basis, so she doesn’t have a website). Just let me know and I’ll send it to you privately through email.
Hope this all helps!!!
Heidi
Hi Sono,
It sounds like you are starting to truly accept that a relationship with him may not be to the level of health you are truly looking for. It’s a suuuuper hard truth to connect to and it takes great courage and strength to step into that truth and let go of someone you love and thought you had a future with.
I realized that I was reacting too sensitively from my past traumas so I am working on it I love that you realized this about yourself! We ALL do this and always will. It’s just a normal part of being human. So even if you are sensitive and have over reactions, it’s okay! It’s normal and is to be expected. Healthy people who are connected to themselves will acknowledge it. You cannot help that you have sensitive reactions, but you can help what you do with your reaction. Your unconditional love approach is brilliant and spot on and that’s what you want to look for in a partner as well. When you have extra sensitive moments, you want someone who doesn’t take it personally and is able to have compassion for the wounds you carry. And if your trigger ends up triggering them, then you want someone who has a high enough emotional intelligence to take responsibility for their own over reaction and has the skillset, desire and ability to work through it as well. That’s what a healthy relationship does. Each person takes responsibility for their baggage, they both have a desire to grow and learn from it and they stay connected as each person faces their “shadow” side. It sounds like that is the path you are on and I want to encourage you to keep on that path. There are many, many gifts waiting for you!!!
Heidi
Wow Rhonda! Look at you! Your boss actually likes you! At least for now. This is great! This is the power you have within you. You are the ONE person he is being nice to. Hopefully that will spread into other people. Either way, it sounds like you are doing a great job and that he appreciates that. You are one less person for him to yell at.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of going to a dog park and taking action shots! What a great idea! I always meet new people at the dog park, so good thinking! Let us know how that goes!!!
How’s your son doing? Any prospects on a job?
Heidi
But as you so eloquently put it Heidi, I have to earn the right to experience love at that level…I sure hope its attainable! It’s absolutely attainable!!! I see this kind of love MANY times and it’s quite beautiful!!! I’m surrounded by all kinds of couples who love being married, even after 30 years. It’s not the kind of love that I personally would participate in, but it doesn’t change that their love is committed, strong and works PERFECTLY for who they are as couples. Even though I am not with someone right now, I too have had some incredible relationships. Every serious relationship I have had was pretty great. Not great enough to be sustainable, but ALWAYS respectful, caring, connective and offered a lot of learning for both of us. Just like with your current situation, you are seeing the situation with more clarity, sooner than later. You are learning how to fight for yourself on a deeper level. You will better know what to look for in the future. Even though it didn’t last like you wanted it to, there are soooo many valuable lessons in this. DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT let any man steal your dream/vision of the kind of love you want to experience in your life. You are giving “them” your power by becoming hopeless about what is possible. You are more than that Blanca!!!!
Yes, you are in the middle of an emotional storm and it’s not fun at all, especially since you have to still live there for another month. Find ways to get out of the house and nourish your sweet spirit. Maybe you can find a friend’s couch to crash on for a few weeks. Is that possible? The sooner you can get away, the better.
I’d like to offer another type of mantra instead of “he doesn’t love me, he never did, and he never will” I’m not a fan of this mantra because he DID and DOES love you to the capacity that he is able to. It may not be a healthy version of love, but it is a version and flavor of love and connection. Besides, this mantra is about HIM and I personally feel it’s better to put your energy on yourself. So instead, saying something like “He cannot and will not ever be able offer the kind of love I want and deserve.” This is more of a true statement.
By the way Heidi, I respectfully disagree that not introducing him to my family until after the two-three year mark (which is my measure of stability) or after I at least get to experience the reaction to a life stressor, is dysfunctional at all I understand you have reasons for why you choose to wait a while and I have no doubt they are very valid and purposeful. I did not mean to imply that it was dysfunctional. I meant to more convey that you have a story around what it means to meet your family and he has a different story of what it means to meet his family. You being hesitant to meet his family comes from the energy of YOUR story. It’s important to notice how the stories we choose to connect with, end up running our lives and can inhibit deeper truths. I’m sure there are VERY GOOD reasons for not introducing a guy to your family too soon. I also have no doubt there is trauma energy involved with that story. So the goal is, to clear as much trauma energy as possible so you are only left with the truth of a situation. It doesn’t mean your choice would change, it just means your choice is much more clear and you are much better at going with the flow of what shows up instead of being soooo strongly attached to your story to maintain emotional safety. That means that if a guy wants you to meet his family within the first month, you go with the flow without putting any specific meaning to it. Like I said, I don’t have the same meaning on it as you do, so if a guy was hesitant to meet my mom, he is infringing his own beliefs and fears into the situation when it’s not necessary, because I am not putting the same meaning on it as he is. Not that I wouldn’t respect what he needs, but I would also want him to look at what is happening for him on a deeper level. AND…to the same degree, it’s ALSO possible that meeting the family so soon has dysfunctional energy tied to it. Either direction can be unhealthy AND healthy. What determines that is the person and WHY they have the boundaries they have. Are they healthy boundaries or are they full of fear or is it a mix of both?? Who knows! Only that person can answer that for themselves. Does this make more sense?
Heidi
It’s okay that you did the FWB thing with Tim. You are learning about yourself and for some reason were inspired by him. No matter what you choose, the MOST IMPORTANT thing is stay aligned with what feels good for you. The FWB with him worked for a while and you felt okay about it….until you didn’t. That’s how it all works. It’s okay, until it’s not and it’s your job to pay attention to yourself during the whole process and stay aligned and connected to your needs. Easier said than done though! Even if you were to go back and change everything, it doesn’t mean it would shift anything with Tim. He has a thing for Anna for whatever reason, so he may just need to go through that. You just need to be you and that’s all that matters. He may never view you the way you want and I know that would hurt, but you can heal and move on. There will be another guy who is completely taken by you and has eyes only for you and vice versa. Tim just may not be the right guy for that and it really could be that simple.
Have you thought about changing your hair? I don’t know why, but it’s something that keeps coming to mind. I’m saying this because I have experimented A LOT with my hair. I’ve changed colors, lengths, styles etc. many times and every single time it activates a new feeling in me. As you are wanting to step more into your divine feminine expression, changing your hair color or style to be more sassy, creative or whatever…can REALLY help with activating that energy. Just something to think about if you haven’t already.
I know I’m comparing myself to Anna again, but I think that might actually be her problem. Do you have any tips how I could help her with this? It’s not an unusual thing for women to learn a lot about their sexuality/sensuality in their 20s. We are coming into our power during this time. We are discovering how our sexuality can influence situations, boost our self-esteem, affect men etc. Our physical bodies prepare for childbirth with our hips opening up a bit, hormones shifting etc. around our late 20s, so the early 20s, the sexual engine begins to develop to prepare us for children. It’s easy to get wrapped up into the power we have over men and how much that can boost how we feel about ourselves. To have a few guys interested and chasing you makes a girl feel powerful. There’s definitely a big learning curve happening in the 20s. So to help her, have conversations about it. Get to know her past and her relationship with her dad/mom. Is there any kind of traumatic past? See how much she TRULY understands about what she is doing and how it affects the guys she “plays” with. It will help you gauge how much she is truly aware of or even how much you can “help” her. So you can ask questions like, “You seem to get a lot of attention from guys and that makes me curious. What specifically are you doing to get that attention?” “What does it feel like for you to get all of this attention?” “How much do you end up really like these guys? Enough to keep them coming back or do you actually think about wanting a relationship with any of them?” Ask her about flirting. She seems to have it down, so see what tips she might share with you. MOst of all though, the best way you can help her is to just love and accept her for herself. I don’t know how close you guys are, but I know that having a close girlfriend that I could vent to, share my HONEST thoughts with, share my insecurities and still be loved and accepted by her, was HUGE. Us ladies can be quite brutal to each other, so finding ways to support her as she figures out who the heck she is, is beyond important.
Glad you liked the movie! I think Angelina Jolie is quite the master at flirting :). The Holiday is good. Cameron Diaz is awkward at first, but also steps into her feminine confidence. Kate Winslet is more subtle and friend-like, but matches the level of her guy she ends up with. The Ugly Truth is a great movie! As much as the guy character is an “ass” what he says is pretty spot on for how guys think. It’s a good one to pay attention to.
Heidi
Hi Jasime,
Thank you for the update. How about you share with us about how you are going to start the conversation. What and how you express your feelings can make or make a conversation, so let us help you craft something that is healthy and will hopefully lead you in the direction you want.
Just some things to think about. When confronting, it’s important to be VERY VERY VERY clear about what you want from. Men respond much better to SPECIFICS and black and white instruction. Women many times will get so lost in their emotions and then men get frustrated because they have no idea what to do. For example, you might say “I want more connection.” Well what does that mean? Connection to a guy is VERY different than connection to a woman. So instead saying “When I expressed some of my frustrations with you initially, I felt dismissed and like you were not really interested in what I was saying. That does not work for me. If you want to stay in relationship with me, I need to feel like you are interested in what I am saying. I would like to have conversations about what I’m struggling with and get your help with understanding your perspective as well. That will make me feel so much more connected with you and will inspire me to want to work through anything with you.” Get the difference?
I would not say anything like “It’s not fair what you are doing to me.” That’s a victim statement and will shut him down. Instead you say, “When you pull away and stop communicating with me, it hurts. I can handle being hurt by you because it’s just part of being human. What I will not handle is you not caring about how I am feeling. It felt like every time I tried to talk to you about what was going on for me, you blew me off. I felt very dismissed and that makes me feel like I don’t have a partner.” In this type of statement, they are “I” statements and you are sticking with how “I” feel vs. how “you” made me feel. Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Blanca,
Thank you for sharing more. More details are helpful along with your perception and the stories you are telling yourself about what is happening. Let’s look at a few things that stood out for me.
I wonder if he is right about running away from me and I’m the one with the problem? This is your story. Something is “wrong” with you and that’s why this and other relationships have not worked out. There is nothing “wrong” with you. Our patterns and limitations are areas of our humanness where we are less effective in situations, but truth is, that is just a normal part of humanness. Relationships don’t last because there is nothing wrong with people. Relationships last because 2 people decide, on a daily basis, they want to go through life with the other person and they are saying yes to working through hardships together. That’s what’s missing here. There is nothing “wrong” with you…he is not willing to do the work. If he is not willing to work through his fears and your fears TOGETHER, that is NOT a partnership. What is “wrong” is that he is not a good match for you.
I coach people to pay attention to the WORST in someone before deciding to invite them into the deep parts of your heart. How do they handle stress? How do they treat you in those super stressful moments? How do they treat themselves and others? Their worst is what will make or break a relationship. He is showing you that in his worst, he runs away and ends the relationship. He blames you for his feelings and is not willing to do otherwise. Do you think that is something you are able to love and work with for 20 years? If he were to never change, are you able to fully accept and embrace this coping mechanism of his?
Let’s look at the fact here. You have an issue that triggered him. He is not running because you have an issue. He is running because he doesn’t want to work through the issue with you. He is using YOUR issue as an excuse for things not to work. He will ALWAYS end up single at some point because EVERYONE has issues!
The thing is, he has been able to keep two long term relationships (one lasted 16 years and the other 12 years) before we got together. I on the other had, was married for 12 years, 20 years ago and since have not been able to hold a relationship longer than 2 years. Do you really think that how many years together is an indicator of success??? It’s like saying how much you weigh is a determining factor of health. Nope! It IS an indicator of some sort but NOT the full story. There are PLENTY of skinny people that are so incredibly unhealthy and thicker people who are very vibrant and healthy. Long term relationships DO NOT equal a healthy relationship. For all you know is that both parties stayed together for so long because breaking up was too hard to do, so they stayed unhealthy until they couldn’t stand it anymore. I’m 47 and haven’t been in a relationship longer than 3 years (which happened back in college). Does that mean I have something “wrong” and dysfunctional in me? If you look at just the math, of course! But if you knew the full story, who I was and how I live my life, you would say, “That makes so much sense!” Of course there are limiting beliefs and patterns in my life that play into why I haven’t been in a looooong term relationship, but you know what? I am working on all aspects of myself ALL THE TIME! I’m growing and healing and that is best that I can possibly do. I feel like I am a hugely, powerful successful person, especially in relationship. The levels and understanding I have with love run VERY deep, so the relationships I do have, are beautiful and fulfilling with EVERYONE. My long term person will show whenever he does and I guarantee you, it will be a very powerful and transformative and exciting adventure. The same will be true for you, but you have to keep fighting for that kind of love. A high vibe, healthy, nourishing, vibrant love doesn’t just show up. You have to EARN THE RIGHT to experience love at that level. The only way to have that is to face your fears, clear your limiting beliefs, forgive yourself and others along the way and accept nothing less than being treated with the utmost respect, honor and kindness AT ALL TIMES. It takes WORK to be the kind of person than can hold the space for a powerful love like this. You are on your way, he is not. You are at least willing to look at yourself and your patterns. YOu are willing to learn, you are willing to communicate, you are willing to walk away from an unhealthy connection, you are willing to grow. THAT IS THE PATH!!! He is none of these.
Do you really want to fight for someone who doesn’t approach challenge and discord with the same mindset that you do?
Heidi
Hi Blanca,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story and your challenges with us. You are at a very important crossroads in your life. You are finally acknowledging some of your patterns and limiting behaviors that show up in a relationship. That’s the first step! And now you are willing to grow and learn, which is a wonderful place to be.
I’m curious. You said you saw some of your mistakes that you are recycling with men. What are those mistakes you have identified?
It seems BOTH you and your ex have the same exact story about “love” and relationship, but expressing it with different flavors. He defines love and commitment by meeting your family. The same is true for you, but you require stability first. The thing is, you BOTH have stories that are dysfunctional. His need to meet your family comes from a place of woundedness. He is not feeling safe in the relationship unless he meets your family. That request is controlling. He is wanting things to be HIS way in order to feel secure in the relationship. A healthier person would not need to meet your family in order to feel secure in the relationship. They would be able to accept the relationship as is and if they are feeling insecure, they look for what’s happening on the INSIDE of themselves and not require, demand or threaten the relationship if they didn’t get what they wanted. You, on the other hand, are also not feeling secure in the relationship. You are wanting something from HIM (more stability) before you move forward. So you see, you both are doing the same exact thing to each other, just in a different way. He is trying to control by wanting to meet your family and you are trying to control by wanting more from him and not allowing him to meet your family. Both are dysfunctional and coming from a place of fear. You BOTH have specific stories about what love and commitment is.
The truth is, who cares if he meets your family? Guys I date meet my mom all the time because she is a huge part of my life. For me, a guy meeting my mom DOES NOT mean things are serious and stable and going somewhere. I know many people are like you where they put HUGE meaning on the boyfriend meeting the friends and family. My point being, is you can create whatever story you want to create. If you want it to be a serious event, then understand the deep reasons why you choose that story. If you want to make it a non-issue and not a big deal about meeting the family, then understand the deep reasons for that story as well.
You can only work with yourself and deal with your reactions to his demands. I will tell you, it’s a BIG RED FLAG for him to end the relationship because he is not getting what he wants. This is just a foreshadow of what will show up in the future. He is NOT being a team player. He is NOT spending time trying to understand your needs, your desires, your fears, your challenges with his request. He is NOT looking at himself and working through what is triggering him. Instead he is running and blaming you. So despite your “mistakes” and failure in any given relationship, remember that you are not the only one participating here. The other person is ALSO responsible for their mistakes and the failure. So make sure you are only taking on your side of things and not blaming yourself for the entire failure of the relationship.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
It’s a very hard reality to face. The real truth is, you need to do what feels the best for you. Sometimes that means that you are not ready to let, despite the pain he activates in you. No matter what me or anyone else says, you are the only one who knows when you are ready to let go. I have stayed MANY MANY times past the expiration date, despite the hurt it would cause. I would know the truth and I would know exactly why I was staying. I had a very high pain tolerance during those times, so I wouldn’t let go until it was just so bad I couldn’t stand it anymore. So you get to stay and keep trying to fight if you want. I just tell people, if you want to stay, then make the best of it. It’s going to hurt, he isn’t going to change, you will keep being rejected. So to make this the most purposeful decision, learn about yourself. What’s the CORE reason you would stay in a situation where you are not treated like gold? What is your relationship to pain? What stories are you telling yourself about love? You say you love him, but is it REALLY love if he treats you this way? Love is NOT love if you exclude yourself from the equation. Would you say that loving him is ALSO loving yourself? These kinds of questions take you on a journey inside of yourself and turn any challenging situation into something more purposeful.
If you are ready to disconnect, then great! I also want to recommend to listen to your friends and family a bit more. If you value them in your life and you feel they have pretty good perspectives, then pay attention to their opinions. If they didn’t like him, then give that value!!! Love is blind. The chemicals and connection are sooo strong sometimes and we end up ignoring all the caution flags. Them not liking him is a HUGE caution flag! If my mom for example, didn’t like who I chose to connect with, there is NO WAY in a million years he is going to be in my life. My mom is a wise woman and the most important person in my life. If she doesn’t like a guy, she will always honor and respect my choice, but her opinion means something and she is sensing something I am not able to see. We all NEED each other to help keep a clearer perspective, especially when it comes to love. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rosemary,
I am sooooo sorry for what you are going through!
I’m just going to be VERY blunt here. He has crossed the line by becoming abusive. If I understand correctly, he was abusive with you. He is cheating and he has not interest in caring about you or your children. He sounds like a narcissist. If he is, NOTHING WILL CHANGE. This is who he is. I imagine he was like this even when you first met, but you just didn’t notice as much. As time goes on and relationships deepen, the patterns that are buried deep in a person will surface, so that’s why sometimes it will take many years for things to get really bad.
My advice is for you to get away from this guy. He is abusive and it will only get worse. I don’t know if he has abused your kids, but if he hasn’t, they are next. Your choice is to either stay and continue to be miserable or leave now, before things get worse and figure out how to build your life without him. You have to protect your family. Staying in an abusive relationship is putting your kids in sooooo much danger of either being abused by him or losing their mother because dad went too far. Then you won’t be around to protect them at all. So what do you want? He is NOT going to change so that is not an option here.
Heidi
whoa!!! You did it!!!!
How are you doing??? I know how hard this was, but you really are fighting for yourself. You are being a good role model for him even though he may not see it that way right now. He is much more in his victim energy, so he gets to stay there as long as he wants without anyone telling him to be different. Good job for accepting him for who he is and wants to be. His parents need to do the same. You might want to encourage that from them if you speak again.
If he reaches out, don’t respond. Don’t be his emergency contact either. It’s time for you to move on and truly make some different choices and that means completely severing all communication. Once you feel like you could run into him on the street and see him with another woman and not feel hurt about it, THEN you can be friends if that is an option. Right now, your focus needs to be on you and feeling who you are without him. I know ignoring him doesn’t feel good, but it’s okay. He needs to feel like you aren’t an option anymore. You have very clearly communicated that things are over and you have moved out. That says everything that needs to be said, so there’s no reason for him to reach out anymore and for you to respond.
The hardest part is not reaching our or responding of course. It’s SUPER important to be VERY kind and compassionate to yourself. Fill your days with things that engage you and make you happy. Surround yourself with flowers, get an adult coloring book, take baths, read interesting books, learn a new language, start a new project, go visit some animals in the pet store, talk to everyone you meet and start conversations, even in the line at the grocery store. Engage yourself in your life and fill yourself up with everything you can think of. In the meantime, keep telling yourself that it’s over. Period. Then fill your mind with the possibilities that are waiting for you. Imagine a relationship with a high functioning guy. What would that look like? Feel like? How would you guys play together? How would you fight? What would your weekends together look like? What places would you guys go to? Start filling yourself with a NEW vision of a relationship that you WANT to participate in and with someone who expands your life, not contracts it.
Does this help?
Heidi
