Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Lily,
Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I just have a few questions. How long were you sleeping together? Did something happen that would have caused him to distance himself? What was the text that you sent him that was immature? Did he respond to that text? Is there any communication at all happening right now?
What do you want with him? It sounds like you want an actual relationship and not a casual friends with benefits kind of thing. Is this correct?
It is a pretty big red flag that women tend to stalk him after breaking things off. There’s 2 reasons that would happen. 1. He is attracted to women who are very clingy, needy and have a lot of low self-esteem and in essence that allows him to always kind of have the upper hand or 2. he is really doing things to have women fall very deeply for him (while he is not falling for them) and then they get shocked when he breaks things off. I could be wrong, but nonetheless…it’s pretty fishy that this is a pattern in his life and would instantly cause me to be VERY cautious until I knew more about him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
OMG, thank you for asking about my surgery! That’s very kind of you. I just had it this last Monday. Whew! Everything was way better than expected. They were prepared for the worst and booked the room for 8 hours, but instead it was very easy and took 3 hours. I just cried when I found out. This phase of my life is finally coming to a close and all that’s left is to heal. It’s been a VERY long year! Thank you again for asking.
So with both I strove to be “perfect” to minimize the punishment. This is a STRONG program running in your system and will function automatically, most of the time without you even knowing it. It will express itself in many different ways, but I would say that maybe the strongest way it manifests is making sure you are not a burden to anyone and making sure you communicate (in various ways) that you can do everything yourself. Thoughts on this?
I’ve been reading that men love it when a woman makes him feel like a real man, makes him want to protect her. I don’t have the foggiest clue how to do that. Would like to, but don’t know how. You know how Rhonda. You do it all the time with your questions, your laughter, your flirting, your compliments. I think you might be overthinking this one. The analogy I like to use is dancing. When you do any kind of ballroom dancing, the guy leads and the woman follows. That’s all it really is. It’s feeling safe in a man’s arm, letting go of your own male energy and tapping into your female/receiving energy. Men do love that, but they also love a strong woman who can self-guide as well. It’s literally a dance and knowing intuitively how to just be comfortable in both the male and female side of yourself and when to use what.
I’m a little confused about you feeling paralyzed. You feel paralyzed when you are heading back to work or when you are coming home for a quick respite?
Do you actually like Barry and have an attraction to him?
Heidi
Hi Melanie!
Thank you for sharing more personal details about yourself. I’m so so sorry for what you have had to endure in your life. Although it’s a relief for you that your father has passed, it’s still a really big deal and impactful. I’m glad to hear you are going to work on clearing more layers around this.
As far as your vet is concerned, I think I’m a little confused. It sounds like there is some kind of special connection between you and him, but he has a girlfriend. You talk as if you somehow are messing things up between you guys, but he is not available to begin with, so there is nothing to mess up. Is he planning on breaking up with her or something? Have you guys had any kind of discussion about dating or being together?
I’m very clear on what’s going on, I am just very, very hurt. Do you mean you are hurt by him or you are feeling very hurt in general?
I do not like spending my entire life working through things in therapy and losing every man I love to somebody who has never been abused or hurt because they’re easier. This is a very interesting story you have created in your mind. It sounds like you believe things didn’t work with these guys because you are too hard to deal with, considering your past. Where is this story coming from? Things don’t work out because they just don’t. It’s nobody’s “fault” per se, it’s just what happens when 2 people are not able to combine their worlds together in a way that works well. It sounds like you are still giving your past a lot of power in your life. Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Oh man! I know how hard this is. I know how badly you want him to want to be with you. It definitely would hurt to have him go away for a week and not include you in those plans, especially when that was the original plan. I’m so sorry!! I know that hurts your heart!
I am a bit torn, he wanted to be alone, I give him the space by not reaching out to him so much and yet it seems that he wants to feel needed and validated by me, why is it like that? What you are doing is great with him. Him needing space doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. This statement is more black and white thinking. He can have a desire to be alone AND still love you and have needs of wanting to be validated and appreciated. When love is involved, it’s never black and white. It’s always very dynamic. So what you are doing by giving him space and making him feel supported in his choice is working! The fact that he initiated dinner with you is wonderful! That means he is connected enough and feels safe enough to want to be around you and that’s a good thing! He isn’t completely disconnecting from you. So keep doing what you are doing.
Remember what Spyce said? Don’t forget about you! As much as he has needs right now, so do you. So it’s a fine line trying to figure out how to support both him AND yourself in this whole process. Obviously supporting him right now just means at its very core level, acceptance of his choice. What about you? Being that he is not really available to meet your needs, what are doing for yourself? How does his choice affect what you feel about the relationship and him?
Heidi
I’m glad you are able to connect to this part of you! I’m curious…you felt yourself tighten up and you noticed these feelings of needing to control…what did you do? Did you try and start controlling the conversation? How did this manifest in that moment?
Our need to control ultimately comes back to not feeling safe either within ourselves or with someone or within the situation. It’s about not trusting. If you don’t trust yourself, others, life etc. you won’t feel safe, therefore you will have a high need to control.
So when you think about when you tightened up, where was it that you weren’t feeling safe within yourself?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
It sounds like you are uncovering what you would like to experience at this moment in your life. I’m not sure casual is what you are looking for. With all the things you are listing, I would say it’s not “casual.” You want friendship, respect, sex, treated with dignity, connection, touch. You say you are not looking for all the conventional stuff, but everything you want is pretty standard and conventional. These qualities get established through spending time with someone. Yet you want casual, which seems a bit contradictory. You want to meet up with someone or many someones once a week for sex, but that’s not where it’s really ending. Most of what you keep saying you want is a connection and with connection comes vulnerability. Vulnerability and casual typically do not go together. A friends with benefits kind of thing usually doesn’t last very long. Maybe you can give it a shot with your friend that seems to be interested in you. He seems to be a safe person to at least have sex with and feel safe to be yourself with. Maybe you can become part of a swingers club or something. Those kinds of people have a lot of practice keeping things casual and being sexual with each other. They usually have pretty good boundaries and communication between everyone involved.
Have you explored your sexual needs with your therapist? Sometimes our need to scratch the “itch” is not about sex at all, but about other things we are feeling.
No need to let Ricky know anything about your decisions. You guys are not at that level to where you owe each other any kind of explanation about anything. You guys are still pretty casual at this point.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Alice,
We haven’t heard from you in a few weeks, so I thought I’d check-in and see how things are developing. We would love to hear from you!
Heidi
Hmmmm….so interesting. You definitely are in quite a confusing situation. The sex sounds like it was more intimate this time around, which could indicate his feelings for you are deeper. And how sweet that he says you are too beautiful for him. I love that he says that!
It feels like he is falling for you, but maybe like you said…he is so darn slow, it’s hard to really know. It can be terrifying for guys to fall in love. I wonder what his specific fears are about.
You are staying super grounded about this whole thing and I think it will really pay off for you in the end.
So it sounds like you are ready to express how you really feel about him. What do you want to say? What is there to talk about regarding Anna?
Heidi
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for sharing more details. It really helps to have a more clear picture about your situation.
So were you able to tell him everything you wanted to?
You say you pushed him away. He has a girlfriend and is now living with her, so I’m wondering why you are taking responsibility for “pushing him away” when he was never available in the first place. It sounds like the extent of your connection was flirting when you saw each other and exchanging gifts, but that’s about it. You also know that he wants a family and you cannot provide that for him.
Is it ethical? Well that depends on you. If you look at the facts of this situation and take out the emotions, do you feel in alignment with the kind of person you are with him? Do you feel clear in your heart trying to connect with a man who is already taken? Do you feel in alignment with trying to gain the affections of a man whom you KNOW you cannot give him the family that he wants?
I understand your attraction to him and that you cannot help it. It’s just there and it’s so darn powerful and feels so darn good. However powerful that chemistry and connection are, he is not available for you to explore that with.
So what are you hoping to happen? You want him to break up with his girlfriend and be with you? Is that the outcome you are looking for?
Heidi
Hi Maxi,
So I’m still not clear on your situation. Are you saying you are still living at home with your husband due to medical issues? I’m still a little confused as to how this guy you are not wanting to lose in your life, fits into your married life.
The question is not whether or not he loves you. It’s more about whether he is willing to experience that love. Love is never enough to keep a relationship going. Many people break up, not because they don’t love each other, but because there are challenges with how they connect. This guy seems like he isn’t quite sure how he wants to be with you. He comes close and then pulls away and that typically is a sign of fear. The thing is, are you even able to be in a relationship with him being that you are married? I’m not sure how invested this guy is, if he is still going out and meeting up with other women. So again, I’m not sure what you want from him. Do you want 100% commitment and to be in a committed relationship with him?
I get there are things you need to talk to him about that are bothering you. How about you tell us what you would want to say to him. What are you hoping to happen by talking to him about these things?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
You are asking some really great questions!
I LOVE your awareness about yourself and how you are able to acknowledge that you are strongly connecting to a fantasy. The way to keep things “real” is to keep reminding yourself he is human and has a lot of flaws. I know you don’t know what his flaws are quite yet, but in time they will expose themselves. How is the connection between you guys? How frequently are you talking? It doesn’t sound like he has set anything up yet to see you in person. Is he initiating contact with you at all? I personally would not disclose your more personal information until it’s necessary. You guys haven’t even been on a date yet, so I’m not sure how invested this guy really is. If he finally starts to show some real interest and making more effort to see you and connect with you, then you can talk to him about the autism and addiction patterns. At this point, I think saying anything about that would scare him away. Ultimately though, it’s up to you how you want to handle it. I would suggest though, that when you do share this part of you, you want to do it in person so you guys can have an actual conversation about it.
As far as your feelings towards him being “normal” or part of your autism response, it doesn’t really matter where it’s coming from. All that matters is that you stay connected to yourself and honor your needs and staying grounded more in reality than fantasy. The more you can get grounded in reality, it will help balance out the obsessive energy you feel about him. I wouldn’t call your feelings “co-dependent.” At least from what you have explained. Co-dependence is meeting another person’s needs at the expense of your own. I don’t see that happening, but if that is a pattern you have, then it would be a good thing to pay attention to and really watch yourself.
As far as your other friend goes, it’s really wonderful that he already knows everything about you. Do you have any romantic feelings towards him? Have you been out on any dates with him? I know you don’t quite feel the passion and sexual tension with him, as all that is focused on Ricky. But do you have any romantic thoughts/feelings towards this guy?
Heidi
Hi Maxi,
Welcome to the forum! This sounds like quite a difficult situation. Let’s make sure I am understanding correctly.
You are married and have been having an affair for 10 years with this other guy. This other guy is now connecting to a woman you don’t like. Is this accurate?
It’s definitely difficult dealing with another culture. It sounds like he takes a lot of things personally. So what are you wanting from him now? Are you wanting him to dump this other girl and just focus 100% on you? It sounds like you want a full on relationship with him, but I’m wondering what you would do about your marriage.
Heidi
Let’s talk about your anxiety a little more. I can see how this energy would contribute to him taking some space. Is this anxiety something you are willing to face and deal with? It’s a lot of pressure you are putting on him to be your EVERYTHING. Imagine not “needing” him to help you feel safe in your life. Imagine feeling perfectly okay that you can source yourself, no matter what happens. Your fear of having no one except for him is something you deeply want to look at. If he were not in your life, how do you think you would cope? Do you feel like you can take care of yourself? I know he makes you feel safer in the sense that you at least have someone around, but what if you created that own safety in yourself?
Yes, not texting him and letting him come to you is part of what giving space means. It’s hard though because you guys haven’t really talked about what that means to him, so it’s a guessing game at this point. I would say you are doing a great job not initiating as much. I wouldn’t worry about him feeling like you no longer think about him. He is off in his own little world right now. So why not have that conversation with him about EXACTLY what he needs. You can say something like “I know you want your space and I feel like I am giving that to you by not texting all of the time. It’s hard because I so deeply care about you and love being connected with you. I just want to know if you feel supported by me. Am I giving you the space you need? I’m a little lost because I’m not exactly sure what makes you feel like you have the space you need. Teach me what it means for you to have space?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Wow! That’s quite the update!
So you both agreed you didn’t want the FWB kinda thing. It sounds like he deeply cares about you though.
How was the sex? Was it passionate? Could you feel his attraction to you maybe? I know he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship, but I”m also wondering if he DOES have a bit of a romantic attraction towards you. That’s why I’m wondering about how the sex was. If you were guys were strictly platonic and there were no romantic feelings, I wonder why he had sex with you again. Did you happen to tell him how you feel about him? I know you agreed to no FWB together, but I”m wondering if you were honest at all about how you do feel him.
Yes, there are MANY examples of the best marriages originating from friendship. This could very well be the case for you guys. Who knows what will happen. All that matters is that you keep being yourself and whether it’s Tim or some other gentleman, they will love you and value you just as you are.
It’s good that you cleared things up with Dave. Have you thought about dating other people? You may not have the time or energy at this point, but maybe consider putting yourself out there a little more. This actually might give Tim a wake up call.
Heidi
Hi Marina,
Welcome to the forum. Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your challenges.
Let’s start with talking about your “neediness” and making him feel suffocated. Is this a typical pattern you have? Do you have a tendency to easily get jealous?
First, let me validate for you that what you are feeling, I imagine most women would feel insecure if their guy was typically only hanging out with exes and other girls. There is something a bit fishy about that. I understand your concerns.
The thing is, he is not going to change. So if you want him back in your life, that means that he will continue to go hang out with his “friends.” Is this something you are able to accept about him? The thing you DON”T want to do is to try and change him again. You spent a lot of energy suffocating him and being needy. If you invite him back into your life, you would need to figure out a different way to deal with his choices that you don’t like.
Thoughts?
Heidi
