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OMG! What a great story! Thank you for sharing!!!
Process emotions? I really don’t feel anger very often. Really don’t remember being angry with my boys. The ex isn’t worth thinking about. Parents? After all they went through while growing up, I can’t be angry with them. Sometimes I think I’ve lost the ability to feel anything…..Ha Ha except depression when I’m tired. Depression is anger turned inward. So although you don’t feel anger outwardly, you are more angry than you think. You just gave me a list of excuses as to why you don’t feel angry. They are all valid AND there is another side of you that was harmed by all those people, very deeply. It’s that part of you that carries the anger and hurt. There is a BIG HUGE world of emotions/programs/beliefs hanging out in your subconscious that I hope at some point you really start to access. I have no doubt that once you tap into all of that and transform the heavy emotions you carry, the depression will go away and you will feel like a completely different person.
I’m excited you get to go home too! I know how happy you are when you get to be there.
I am feeling better! Today is my first dr. appt. post surgery, so hopefully I will get to say goodbye to this catheter and I’ll start to be able to have more movement and energy. I had a tube coming out of my back that drained my kidney for 5 months that got removed right after this 2nd surgery, so I’m really looking forward to being tube free! Lol. You’re excited to go home and I’m excited to be tube free! It’s the simple things, right?
Heidi
Luckily my parents are still on good terms and we‘re still together as a family sometimes, but it‘s still not easy for me. WHat exactly is difficult for you?
I have shifted quickly when letting guys go. Sometimes, it just takes one thing that you hear or learn about that person and it’s enough to tip the scales in the other direction. Tim wasn’t 100% invested anyways. Most likely, he had a percentage of hope about her, but then learning something new about her, just caused him to finally be able to accept the truth and disconnect from his fantasy completely. We shall see though. Time will tell. I think it will be normal between you guys. I think you guys will just continue to grow closer together. He obviously has an incredible amount of respect for you. I have no doubt he will continue to connect and you guys will find an even deeper rhythm together.
It’s always uncomfortable knowing that you are going to hurt someone on purpose. You just need to look at it a little differently. You are hurting him by NOT being honest. Pain is always a great motivator. It’s possible that you disconnecting will cause enough hurt that he actually chooses something different for his life. Who knows. Either way, it’s a caring thing to do for yourself AND for him when you are authentic and honest. So even though it will hurt him and be uncomfortable, it’s much better than leading him on.
I would do it over the phone. If he lived a lot closer, it would be different. Traveling 5 hours for either of you, only to break up, is a lot and it’s not the smartest thing to drive after a breakup. There might be a ton of emotions that come up…who knows. It’s better to be safe. Do it over video if you want to do it in person. He may just say okay and get off quickly or he may want to talk more.
Stay away from pointing the finger at his drinking or anything he has done wrong. Stick with talking about yourself. “I just don’t feel like you are available in the way that I really need to feel good about moving forward.” “I need a man who is more available.” “I have a certain vision of the kind of relationship I will thrive in and there are just some things missing with us.” Make sense?
Heidi
What EXACTLY are you doing to forgive yourself? Being positive is NOT forgiving yourself. It’s just a bandaid. I gave you some resources. Have you looked anything up?
So if something changed these last few months, I’m wondering you think it has to do with your cheating. Has he directly said that to you? Have you talked to him specifically about these past few months and how it’s changed?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
I’m sorry the sex didn’t turn out so well with Paul. Give it some time. It can be really awkward at first. That’s the challenge with fantasies…they are typically way better than the real thing. You and Paul sound like you are good communicators, so it’s really about talking to each other about the experience, what worked, what didn’t work and then try again. Or try again and teach him during sex. I’m glad to hear you had a great conversation though! It’s great you guys are getting to know each other outside of the bedroom.
Everything you want Anna is about being in a relationship with someone. Right now, you don’t know enough about either guy to know they would be good partners. So for now, just keep things moving slowly. With Paul, you guys have agreed to a FWB kind of thing, which can really mess up the path of stepping into a relationship. If you want a relationship, then slow things down with Paul as well. I’m glad to hear that Ricky finally asked you for coffee. I get that you are nervous. That’s okay! How do you not be awkward? You stop worrying about it. Imagine yourself sitting in front of him, feeling confident in yourself, feeling like a queen, feeling centered and grounded, feeling relaxed and just having fun. He’s just a guy Anna. He’s no superhero. He is just as human and messed up as the rest of us. Take him off that pedastal and make him your equal, because that’s what he is. When are you meeting for coffee? I’m excited to hear how it goes.
Heidi
How are you feeling? How are things going with your guy? Are you starting to shift how you feel about yourself and cheating? Let’s keep talking about this!
Heidi
I’m curious….what is your baseline number (1-10) that is your standard as to how you want to feel about a man? I don’t mean just the attraction level, I mean the whole darn package? Meaning, is 5 your standard? If you at least feel a 5, that’s enough for you to move forward?
As far as your anger, I am more referring to how you process your emotions, not how you deal with someone in person. Do you ever tap into your anger when you are alone? Maybe when you have thoughts about your parents? Your kids? Your ex’s?
Sounds like Liam’s went well then. That’s very nice of him to help you out.
Heidi
Holy smokes!!! This is HUGE!!!! First, what an incredible person you are to be so honest with everyone involved and just straight up. No games, no hiding, no bullshit. Wow! I have an incredible amount of respect for you! You handled everything so beautifully.
I’m so sorry to hear that Tim doesn’t have more feelings for you. Again, I think it is still very possible, but will take more time. Now that he is TRULY letting go of Anna in his heart, that is one BIG barrier that will be gone soon. I love it! And I love that he wasn’t scared off by your feelings for him. I love how he appreciates you and I love how he is still making plans with you. His words of how important you are in his life are followed up by action. He truly means it!
Gosh, I am so sorry to hear about both of your parents. It’s very challenging and changes your entire world. My parents made it about 20 years. I love that you got to cry together and really bond through a very sad experience. You both can help each other through this and even bring some healing.
So tell me how you are feeling. What are some of your thoughts about all of this? How are you feeling now that you finally told him everything?
Heidi
Hi Alice,
So good to hear from you again and get an update. Thank you for sharing all of this!
First, I see you looping around and around in your mind about A and why he is doing what he is doing. It doesn’t matter anymore. Your energy is focusing on something that is over and closed instead of truly disconnecting from him. What you are doing is another form of addiction in the process of letting go of someone. And yes, disconnecting from that “drug” is so similar to what addicts go through. There have actually been studies on comparing breakups and drug addictions. So every time you start trying to “figure out” what he is doing and why and what and how etc. stop yourself and say “It’s over. I want more from my partner. It’s over.” Make sense?
As far as R goes, you are falling back into the same pattern with him as you did before. And you are even considering going back to him, knowing he is not healthy for you nor what you want. How about doing something different this time? How about you rescue yourself instead of him? How about you be okay with him being depressed and angry and let him just have his life that way? How about you turn your focus towards yourself? These guys cannot offer you what you want, so it’s time for you to start filling that void they left, in a healthy way. Turn your focus 100% on yourself, close the door on both of these men and say goodbye. Love yourself enough to fight for a love that nourishes you, excites you, is full of passion and romance and growth together. Fight for that! You deserve to have that experience!
Heidi
Thoughts?You are asking some really great questions! There are a lot of layers in the answers, so let’s keep this dialogue going as you discover yourself.
The thing is, with 3-4 relationships in the past also destroyed because of my trust issue, I kind of want to try another different route Tell me more about this. How do you feel your trust issues ruined the relationships? Are you saying that if you didn’t have trust issues, you would still be with any one of those guys?
Maybe I should also try to have open relationship because it seems that my wishes for monogamy only resulted in ‘suffocation’, breaking up, abandonment issue, etc. This is NOT a reason to try open relationships. Dealing with one person is plenty of work in and of itself. Dealing with multiple people is a whole different animal. I’m not against them at all, but open relationships, done in a healthy and respectful manner, requires that you, first and foremost are SUPER solid in yourself, are willing to face your fears, your low self-esteem, your insecurities etc. If you are not willing to really dive deep into those aspects of yourself, open relationships can be quite harmful and cause even more low self-esteem and problems. With what you are dealing with, I would say this is not the best path for you. I want to encourage you to face your trust issues first, shift your belief and experiences about love and THEN if open relationships sound interesting to you, then go for it. Your wishes for monogamy can absolutely happen for you. So let’s look at what’s happening in your experiences. How do your trust issues sabotage connection? Give specific examples? What have your past boyfriends said to you about it?
I don’t know what I should held up as ideals of relationships. Do you think there is a line, or boundary? You get to create whatever kind of relationship you want. Yes there are boundaries, but those limits are different for each person. Obviously,r there are foundational boundaries across the board like no verbal or physical abuse or no active addictions etc. But the rest is open for interpretation. There is a lot of research on what makes a relationship successful though. Here is a very simple article from the Gottman Institute. They have researched love and relationships for over 30 years and have some incredible information! Sign up on their email list and start learning from them. https://www.gottman.com/blog/red-flag-green-flag-what-to-look-for-when-youre-dating/ I also recommend their book “A Man’s Guide to Women.” Even though it’s written for men, it is a really powerful book for women as well. It’s a short and simple read packed full of information about the most powerful ways for men to support women. I actually learned a lot about myself in that book.
Do you feel like you deserve to be treated like a queen? Can you imagine a guy being head over heels in love with you and wanting to spend his whole life with you? Can you imagine laughing a lot and having a guy deeply in love with you and vice versa? Do you KNOW that is possible for you?
Heidi
What are you going to try? What is your specific plan? We would love to know so we can support you. Keep us updated too. Let us know what happens and we can keep guiding you through this phase.
I’m curious…does this approach make sense to you? or are you doing it just because that’s what we said?
Heidi
Did you end up going to Liam’s? How did it go?
You are definitely getting warmer with Dan about what his challenges are. He is a really good person for you to practice with actually. It’s a skill reading people and then figuring out how to bring the best out in them. It’s a very creative process and something I wish EVERYBODY would do with each other. I practiced this ALL THE TIME in my younger years, whether I was dating a guy or not. I always turned it into some kind of game for myself to see if I could shift the dynamics. You may not be interested in that, but Dan is a good way to build your skillset for when you are in a relationship. You are a powerful person. Why not be intentional about it with him? I’m happy to give you some ideas. Just a thought.
So you have felt over a 5 a few times, but with men who were not really available for you. Do you deeply, truly believe that’s possible?
Do you have a side to you that can yell and just be outwardly angry and unleash that energy? In a healthy way of course. I know personally, I am quite uncomfortable with that side of myself. This past year I have been getting to know her more.
Let’s see if we can break this down further.
Would you be willing to go ask your friends their view of your relationship? You said they see you as co-dependent, so ask them what they mean by that. Ask for specific examples. Ask about other things they see as well….what kinds of things work and what they see doesn’t work very well. Of course they have a limited viewpoint, but it’s ALWAYS good to get perspective.
ever since the first break up I’ve kept some reservations on my thoughts as well. Afraid that he might leave me again like this time round.. When you function from a place of fear, that changes all the dynamics. If you play smaller because you are afraid of losing him, you are instead losing yourself. You are making him more important than yourself and that’s where things can really start to head south. You deserve to be known and heard on ALL levels. If you lose him because of it, he is not the right match for you anyways. You have to be willing to love yourself and value yourself more than the connection with him. Thoughts on this?
You say you are co-dependent in the sense that you are available for him anytime he needs you and that’s your choice as a contributing factor to the relationship. I don’t know the details, so I’m going to invite you to check this on a deeper level within yourself. It’s a great rationalization to say it’s your contribution to be accommodating. I’m wondering if the deeper truth is, you are afraid to not accommodate him for fear of losing him or fear of losing connection. I’m wondering if this is a pattern you have whenever you are a girlfriend. I’m wondering if you are so accommodating to him as a way of overfunctioning to make up for how much he doesn’t accommodate you. I’m wondering if it’s how you are trying to get him to love you. It’s important to really look at our patterns/behaviors that create an imbalance energetically. If there is a consistent imbalance, then there is something to explore about it and most likely, there are deep, unconscious beliefs/fears/insecurities that are actually running the show. So I want to invite you to explore this deeper. Were you accommodating to your parents growing up? Your siblings? Your friends? Let us know what you discover!
He said he doesn’t feel motivated in the relationship. Not Motivated in wanting to make things work. I know this may be hard to hear, but honestly…it might be time to step away. If he isn’t motivated to care for you and the relationship in a way that makes things work and makes you feel valued, then that’s on him. Who knows what the reasons are…only he can determine that. All you need to know is that you are in a relationship that isn’t working. You don’t have a partner putting in the effort to properly take care of the connection. You deserve more than that. You deserve to have a guy who sees you in his life and loves to have you in life. You deserve to have a guy who thinks about you while he is going through his day and is excited to see you when he gets home. You deserve to have a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to spend his life with you. You deserve to have a guy who treats you like his queen. This guy just isn’t there. He has broken up 2x now with now real reason. Are you sure you want to go another round with him?
Heidi
You would say those things in a quiet voice??? You are also are being quite “sweet.” Don’t you want to yell and tell her what horrible mother she was? The way you are talking is very adult like and the point is to access those uncontrolled, deeply authentic (holding nothing back) feelings and words and express them to your mom. So try again. Journal in a way that isn’t so perfect and polite and if you can’t access that part of you, then it lets you know how shut down you really are. Also, how you are trying to cope with the voice is discounting and ignoring it: When her words come to mind I just tell that voice that I’m not buying that message, that it isn’t true and move on to thinking something else. You’ve been soooo beaten down, it’s crucial for you to fill yourself up with the truth. Saying it isn’t true is the first part of the equation, but then saying what IS true is the second part of the equation. You don’t want to ignore the feelings, you want to acknowledge and valide the feelings and then fill yourself up with the truth. You want to WORK WITH the feelings instead of trying to just shove them aside and move on. In essence, that is a level of ignoring yourself. The truth always needs to replace a lie. Our psyche will not let go of something unless there is something to replace it so when you are beating yourself up or hear that negative mom voice, you say “I’m so sorry you are hurting right now. It’s so hard to feel rejected and it hurts. I just want you to know that I LOVE YOU. Even if this other person doesn’t appreciate you, I appreciate you and I will always be here for you. In my eyes, I wouldn’t change a thing. I love you for exactly who you are. You are strong, resilient, beautiful, funny and I love being around you. We will get through this together. You are not alone.” Those are the kinds of truths you want to instill instead of trying to focus on the “other” by saying “it’s their problem, not yours.” Does this make sense?
As far as what ours and other programs say, it’s important to look deeper and beyond the marketing. Look at the concepts. Everything that is taught here is about developing self-confidence, learning the language of men and learning how us ladies can behave in certain ways that create barriers to connection with men…and anyone else for that matter. It’s not about the specific behaviors, but more deeply about the concepts, right? For example, neediness acts as a barrier to connection, right? What is neediness? It’s insecurity. So looking at where you are giving your power away to a man is an important aspect to look at within yourself. I know the marketing and presentation doesn’t really say those kinds of things, but speaking from the inside perspective of this program, it’s much deeper. The whole intent is to empower women and help them more deeply connect to their amazingness and then bring that confidence and self-esteem into the picture with a man. Does it guarantee success? Nope…there is no such thing.
As far as Dan, I know you don’t know the details of his behaviors, but I’m asking you to do a read on him. It’s part of developing your dating skillset. The more you can understand human behavior, the easier it will be to pick up on, even the slightest hint, of feelings, patterns, beliefs etc. on a date. His behavior DOES serve him somehow. I know from your perspective, you don’t see it, but the point is to step into his shoes. How do you think being a drama queen might help him in his life? Your limiting patterns serve you too. How do you think it serves you to be controlling? Make sense? Just make some educated guesses as to why he might be a drama queen in the first place. What might you guess hi upbringing was like?
That cracks me up that 5 feels high for you. Interesting. Have you never felt higher than that? What’s the highest number you have felt? What happened with that person?
What do you need courage for to go to Liam’s? You are not interested, so what do you feel nervous about?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge. It’s sooooo so hard to disconnect from someone we really like. Your concerns are valid and should be paid attention to. If he didn’t drink or drank a lot less, then would you feel differently?
I’m curious, do you just not know what to say or how to do it? What is stopping you from just saying how you feel?
You can be super simple and just say “I don’t feel how I want to feel in order to keep moving forward with you.” Or you can say, “I just don’t see myself being with you long term.”
You have to accept that you will lose him as a friend….at least at first. Eventually you guys might swing back around and become friends after time has passed.
Thoughts?
Heidi
