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Thank you for sharing more info.
I’m sorry to say this, but he is just not that into you. You are the one driving the relationship here and most men don’t respond nor respect that very much. You barely know this guy and yet you are ready to be SUPER serious with him and you said you are “madly in love” with him. I guarantee that is waaaaaaay to fast for this guy….for most guys actually. People like to EARN love. It makes it feel more real.
So my guess is, he likes you, but how intensely you feel for him is causing him to be cautious and slow things down….and rightly so.
If you are willing, would you be open to talking about your feelings for him and why you are moving so fast? Is this a pattern of yours? Do you tend to fall hard, fast? How old are you both?
The first way to start to turn this around is to stop texting him and let him take the lead. If he wants to talk to you, he will reach out. This is important for 2 reasons. First, it gives him some breathing room and it gives you a chance to see what the connection actually would feel like at HIS speed, not yours. That’s important to know. Second, it also gives him a chance to chase you. This is REALLY important for most men…in a healthy way. If you are available all the time for him (especially in the beginning) he doesn’t have to really work for you. Most guys instinctively like to chase a bit. Make sense?
Lastly, there is a BIG RED flag that he isn’t interested in you visiting him. I’m wondering if he is already taken. This may also be a reason he isn’t as responsive with you. It’s sad to say, but a poll that came out about a year ago found that somewhere around 50% of people on Tinder were already in serious relationships. I know that may not be the app you met each other on, but it’s a common thing these days. There are a lot of reasons why this is happening. Regardless, it’s REALLY important to always google the person and gather as much info as you can and to also verify they are single. Whenever I am on a dating app, I become a member of a site where I can get background checks on people before I meet up with them. I have come across sex offenders, restraining orders etc. and I’m always so thankful for finding out first thing. Point being, you are ready to jump in with this guy and you barely know him. So find out more before you start pursuing him.
Heidi
I also feel like it’s my fault that his hurting I mean if I didn’t do it there wouldn’t be any hurt but do I deserve to be punished I don’t think so breaking my integrity is already enough punishment. We ALL make mistakes, we lie, we break our integrity, we hurt the ones we love very deeply. It’s inevitable and will ALWAYS be true. The measure of a good partner is how well they are able to accept our humanness, forgive and work through the challenges. Again, it doesn’t mean they stay with us, but we do want to have a partner is more interested in letting go of the hurt instead of holding onto it…no matter what the end result is. It’s not his right to punish you. There are consequences to your choices of course, but if he, or you for that matter, hold onto these negative feelings in order to punish, teach a lesson, hurt or whatever…then that’s where the disconnect will continue to be sourced from.
So it sounds like you need to develop a much stronger skillset to handle stress. That is the gift in all of this. Talking to him, listening to music or dance are NOT strong enough skills to handle the worst moments of life effectively. It’s not working for you because you because those are not healing skills. Those things manage your emotions, they don’t actually heal anything. So let’s build your toolbox a bit. How do you feel about journaling? Here is another resource: https://www.qoya.love/ Here is a book: https://www.amazon.com/Dark-Side-Light-Chasers-Reclaiming/dp/1594485259/ref=asc_df_1594485259?tag=bingshoppinga-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=80539280274815&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4584138866829365&psc=1 Here is another person to learn from. Her book is FABULOUS and has all kind of skills of how to handle stress at the end: https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/ This is a very powerful technique as well: https://eftuniverse.com/
There are a TON of people out there, sharing ways to move through the most difficult moment’s in life. Yes, it’s great to use your guy to talk to, but more importantly, when he is not available you need to know how to work through your own stuff. If all you ever do is rely on sources outside of you, you are going to be one miserable person and you will never learn how to source yourself. This situation can really help you connect more deeply to yourself if you want to.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I’d come home feeling bad from the way the kids had treated me and my mom would tell me it was my fault. So it’s your mom’s voice that contributes to you thinking that you must be doing something wrong if you are still single. How about you journal about that. What if you wrote that statement as if you were mom and then reply to that statement as you. Have a conversation back and forth between your mom’s energy and you. Get it all out. Say everything she would say and then respond to it. See where the conversation takes you!
5 doesn’t sound like it’s much of an attraction. Do you feel it is a 5 because you think he isn’t interested in you? Do you think it would go up if he showed interest?
Gosh, I sure hope that guy comes through with a job offer. That would be great wouldn’t it?
As far as Dan is concerned, why do you think he behaves that way? What do you think he is deeply needing? We all behave in certain ways because it serves us somehow. How do you think it is helping his life by being the “drama queen?”
It’s actually not hard to stay in bed. I was worried about that too before I had these surgeries, as I’m a very active person. But after surgery, I wanted to stay in bed. I didn’t have the energy to move much. It felt comforting and peaceful more than anything. It’s different than an injury like you had. Those are easy to try and push through, but when your belly gets cut open, there’s no moving past that discomfort. I’m curious, why do you think you ignored your body the way you did and didn’t respect/honor the healing it needed?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
I’m glad you found your FWB guy. It sounds like you are really clear about that.
As far as Ricky, you are doing what feels comfortable for you. You know you would end up really attaching yourself to him, so it’s best to stay out of the FWB zone. Who knows, you may end up liking Paul more than you think. You are going to get to know Paul in a different way now. I have a lot of experience with FWB situations and I’ll tell ya…I was surprised sometimes by the feelings that would pop up for me. It’s important for you to really listen to those and don’t be dismissive to any of yours or his feelings as you guys create this situation.
Keep getting to know Ricky slowly and keep letting him take the lead. Having Paul may take some of the pressure off of Ricky needing to be something specific in your life. We shall see!
Heidi
Hi Chantelle,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story! I just have a few questions.
So you basically have known this guy for a few months, correct? Are you moving to his area because of him or were those plans in motion before you met him? How much do you initiate contact with him compared to him initiating contact? Are you able to go to his area and visit him? What kind of sick is he? Like a serious illness or like a flu/cold kind of thing? Is he still active on that dating app? Did you happen to share your VERY strong feelings for him?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more of your story.
It’s great that you recognize what lead to you breaking your integrity. Now the next step is 1. work on forgiving yourself and 2. creating a healthy skill set to handle your low self-esteem moments (you will have them for the rest of your life).
I know you miss that connection and I know you love him. The thing is, whether he is able to truly forgive you or not is about HIS path now and not yours. Mistakes happen. Cheating happens. It IS possible to heal from this, but he has to be willing. If he isn’t, that’s not your fault. It’s HIS choice and to be honest, if he isn’t willing, then it’s better that you know this sooner than later as he may not be the best partner for you. Your choice deserves to be forgiven wholly and completely.
Now…full and complete forgiveness doesn’t mean he will open his heart to you again. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It’s about releasing the negative feelings around the person and event. As long as he is still hurting and guarding his heart because of that hurt, he still has some forgiving/healing to do. He could end up truly letting go of the hurt and betrayal, but still may feel like he doesn’t want to open up to you again. If that happens, that’s not about you and instead about him. For right now, it’s important that you don’t keep beating yourself up for HIS hurt and his limitations. Focus on yourself.
What stops you from forgiving yourself? Do you feel you don’t deserve it? Do you feel it’s your fault that he is hurting? Do you feel like you deserve to be punished?
How do you feel about yourself in general? On a scale of 1-10, how much do you like yourself on average? What do you do to help yourself through stressful times?
Heidi
This is sooooo common!!! Men DO NOT do very well holding a lot of plates in the air. For most women, the more stressed out we are, the more we tend to connect and strongly lean on our man. For men, it’s the opposite. The more stressed they get, the more they tend to pull away and go into their cave. This makes them feel soooo overwhelmed and being that they don’t have much power over what happens at work or school, the one thing they DO have control over is the relationship….so many times the guy will end things to reduce the feeling of overwhelm. It’s funny too, because a lot of times the guy is feeling guilty and creating this HUGE amount of pressure from the relationship, but it’s mostly in their heads.
This is just one of the big differences between men and women. Women, generally speaking, are so much more easily oriented to relationship than men. We are the relationship caretakers. Men are more the providers/producers. It’s a beautiful difference between us when everything is in flow.
So it sounds like meeting up is a possibility, yes? Make sure it’s on a day where he has some space. If he has a lot on his mind, he won’t be very present for you. It’s important that we go over how to approach this. Spyce and I have all kinds of tips that can help make your conversation go a bit more smooth.
Let us know!
Heidi
Wow….That’s a lot. I’m so so sorry you have to go through this. It changes a person. It sounds like you are doing a good job handling it all though. You are learning new parts of yourself and strengthening in a very special way. This last year I have had health issues as well. Not cancer, but definitely some things that have brought me to my knees in tears. It’s a rollercoaster ride for sure. I’ve had soooo many beautiful and wonderful days and some very hard days. It’s all okay though, right? I never know what I will feel each day, but whatever. Even on my hard days, I just ride the wave, because I know it’s just a day and it’s temporary and “this too shall pass.” It always does. I just have compassion for you.
Let us know what you end up deciding about how you want to handle your situation. We are always curious and would love to know what you decide and how it goes!
Heidi
Hi Trisha,
I want to just mention this and I KNOW it’s extreme, but I’m one to always be open to all possibilities. He may have a mood disorder or some flavor of it and it’s gone undiagnosed. Bipolar? Depression? Borderline? I guess when you said he slammed his wallet and keys on the table just because he “forgot” he needed to go to the store….that just seems a bit extreme (IF he was being real and not pretending to get your attention). I just want to mention this so you pay attention. I have a friend who is bipolar and those are the kinds of things that happen for him in an instant and he has no control over it.
He doesn’t seem to care and I strongly believe we make time for those who matter even if we are really busy. Even if it is just a short quick text. This is a HUGE belief for women and not always how men view it. First, it’s important to know that this statement is a story you have created and attached yourself to. It’s not the truth and it’s not a story that everyone aligns with. It’s YOUR truth and you can choose to keep it true for you or you can switch it up and choose a different story. That part is up to you – there is no right or wrong here. What’s important to remember is that he has stories as well and in relationship, we have to deal with each other’s stories when they end up being different than each other and causing hurt. That’s why communication is soooooo important. You have the story that he is not putting in enough effort which means he doesn’t care about you. His story might be that he is putting more effort into you than he ever has with any other girl, so he REALLY cares about you. Can you see how BOTH your stories have truth in them and can exist in the same moment, even though they are opposite of each other?
Another important aspect to keep in mind. Men view relationships and love VERY differently than women on many levels. They are just built different than we are (thank goodness). One big difference is what we operate from in our core (generally speaking). Men, in general, are driven by their abilities to produce in this world. Work, accomplishment, providing etc. is SUPER SUPER SUPER valuable and important to them. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard about men who are working 70-80 hours a week (at the expense of family time) trying to provide everything for their families. They literally DO NOT get why their wife is unhappy. In their minds, they are PRODUCING really well and that makes them feel VERY proud. But to a woman, she doesn’t care about that stuff. Why? Because what we are driven by is connection/relationship. We are the relationship caretakers. To us, (generally speaking) connection and the quality of the relationships in our lives means everything. That’s why it’s easier for women to stay home and care for the children and get involved with the teachers, other moms, volunteering for school events etc….all of that is about relationships. Men (generally speaking) just don’t operate that way. So your guy being focused on homework is about producing in his life. You, being driven by connection and relationship want more of his time. Does this make sense??
The trick here is, understanding your differences and getting creative on ways to meet BOTH of your needs. Have you ever tried the Marco Polo app? I personally cannot stand texting, but the Marco Polo app is something I use soooooo much more to stay connected to my friends all over the world. It’s basically an app to leave video messages with each other. I love it because I am an EXTREMELY busy gal, so it’s easy for me to just prop my phone up on the stand and listen to the messages that were left and then I can respond while I’m driving. Just a thought.He seemed irritated and still in the end didn’t get it. He really seemed to not think he did to make me upset! So it might just be me. Sometimes it’s about HOW you present your feelings. I’m curious, did you happen to ask him about what he was thinking and feeling in that moment or did you just tell him how YOU felt? Sometimes, even after explaining things, your guy is still not going to get it and that’s okay. It’s just part of relationships. So you settle for teaching him what you DO need, instead of seeking his understanding. Guys need it black and white. So what you could have done was said, “it’s okay that you don’t get it. All I need you to really know is that after having sex and connecting that way, I just need……..and then we can go about our days.”
Lastly, I’m going to guess you are extremely sensitive. I’m going to guess that you love deeply and when you love, it’s quite intense. Yes? No? How would you describe yourself?
Heidi
I know this may not be fun to talk about, but this is a good place to be heard about ALL areas of your life. I know the chemo is quite uncomfortable. If I remember correctly (which I probably don’t) you have 6 treatments? Is it every Monday? What happens for you? What’s the hardest part? How does it affect you mentally/spiritually?
As far as “when,” again…that is YOUR choice. If you want something serious and long term, the longer you wait the better. In the beginning, the connection is FULL of chemistry and lust for each other and the relationship doesn’t have much substance. When sex gets introduced during the beginning phases, it’s truly just sex and lust and libido. It’s more physical than it is spiritual/emotional, no matter how strongly you feel connected to someone. The longer you wait, the more there is a chance to truly know who someone is. It gives time to build substance and build the friendship. That friendship then starts to turn that lust into something that is actually real. When sex gets introduced on a stronger foundation of friendship, then no matter what happens during sex (cuz it could possibly suck), there is another stronger energy that is bonding you guys….your friendship.
What I personally like to do is set a time limit. I’ve said this before: “I want to wait 3 months before moving past passionate kissing. If we make it 3 months and still going strong, let’s talk about what we want to do from that point. But it doesn’t mean we can’t talk about it and get to know each other sexually through our conversations. I would love to learn about your thoughts, your preferences, your experiences etc.”
And make sure during those 3 months (or whatever amount of time you choose) that you both get tested for STDs. I know that is not a common practice for most people, but that’s also how things spread and it’s also how relationships that could have been great, have gotten ruined. So it’s probably one of the best ways to show that you both want to protect/respect each other sexually. Just a thought.Heidi
This doesn’t make sense to me. You guys were sexually active, it sounds like there was pretty good communication, he was affectionate with you, responsive etc. yet he doesn’t feel a connection?? So what I’m wondering now is what his definition of a “connection” is. Like Spyce said, people have MANY different definitions about what that is. From what you described, I would say that there absolutely is a connection, but something is happening for him, that it doesn’t feel that way.
There could be a few things happening here.
1. He could be conscious of what is REALLY happening and isn’t telling you. He is giving a VERY general reason why it isn’t working because the exact/specific reason would hurt you too much and he doesn’t want to go through that.
2. He could really just not feel like the connection strong enough. Everything truly is great between you guys, but something is just missing and there is no way to explain it. I for sure have felt that before where the guy and our interactions were great! Nothing was wrong and there was an attraction, but I could just feel something was missing. It really was that simple.
3. He is completely unconscious about something that is blocking him from really loving someone. This happens all the time for people when it comes to love. There is trauma that is living in their system they have no idea about. That trauma will “protect” them from getting hurt. The deep psyche is incredibly powerful in ways that most people have no clue, unless they are aware of their own patterns, beliefs etc. He may be carrying a very STRONG belief that love equals pain (a very common belief by the way) so the longer he is with you and the stronger he feels for you, that other subconscious belief system will come online and block those feelings….literally – and he will have no clue that it’s happening. It has nothing to do with you.I know this doesn’t give you a very direct answer about what is happening or how to fix it. Is there a way to have another conversation about this with him? There are specific questions you would want to ask so you can learn more about what is REALLY happening for him and we help you through that.
Heidi
Hi Jeiqui,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your heartbreak with us. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s so awful to have to watch someone you deeply love, slip through your fingers and not be able to do something about it. It’s such a powerless feeling and it’s awful!
I do have a few questions. You said this last time, he brought up “motivation.” Can you explain that a little more? He is not feeling motivated in the relationship or in his life in general? How is the rest of his life going? Does he have a good job that he enjoys? Are other relationships in his life in good standing?
Friends tend to tell me that I am too readily available to him, compromising too much to him. But, I always thought we are all matured adults that quit playing games, this is the way of handling relationships, isn’t it? Let’s talk about this a little more. Some games are very healthy and important to “play” in a relationship….ALWAYS. It will ALWAYS be important to do things to keep your partner’s attention and vise versa. The relationship always needs to be alive and nourished and that means that you need to play with the energy of it. It doesn’t mean you don’t get to be yourself. It just means you are playing close attention to how it’s functioning and you do things to help “motivate” or “nourish” or “encourage” (whatever is needed) to keep the relationship alive instead of complacent. For example, let’s say your guy is normally really good at giving you compliments. You start to notice that he is shifting. Maybe he is going through a more stressful time at work. So you give him some time and are supportive but let’s say it’s starting to go on for awhile and you are feeling less valued by him. There are several approaches at this point you can take either directly or indirectly. You can be blunt and tell him how you feel or you can start playing some “games” to get his attention a little more to snap him out of it. You may choose to wear his favorite sexy dress and take him out on a date. You may choose to wear his favorite sexy dress and go out with girlfriends, so it makes him think about you all night while he is home. You may choose to start doing less and less to help him in his life so he actually realizes how much you actually do. It’s up to you what you choose to do, but those are the games that are played and always have a healthy place in a relationship. Being direct is not always going to work. Being indirect and playing “games” many times can shift the energy in a good direction. A “game” is only unhealthy when it has unhealthy intentions behind it. Does this make sense?
Now let’s talk about what your friends are saying. They may be seeing that you are co-dependent. Codependence by definition is “meeting the needs of others at the expense of your own.” That is absolutely a healthy part of the relationship, but someone who functions this way most of the time, creates a very unhealthy balance. When you are there to mostly serve him and what he wants, in actuality, he never really gets to know you. How does he know what you want and need if you hardly insert your wants and needs into a situation over him? People eventually do not end up respecting a partner who is co-dependent. It’s a design that can work for a while, but eventually things really get out of balance and various problems will start to arise. What is your view of the kind of partner you are with him? Do YOU feel you are co-dependent most of the time? Are you strong in expressing your opinions, needs and wants and good at asking for things from him?
Heidi
Well, It is hard for me to tell whether i am the one who is being over-jealous, or is he the one who’s being not trustworthy? I want to suggest a different viewpoint. Honestly, it doesn’t matter whether you are being too jealous or he is not trustworthy. It’s most likely both. The deeper and more important question is this: Can you accept him for who he is? This is his behavior and he is not willing to change it. He doesn’t see a need to. He gets to be like this and live his life in this way. Maybe someday he will explore his behaviors more deeply instead of pinning a REALLY SURFACE excuse on it that he is just being “social.” But for now, he is not interested in exploring his behavior, so that means one simple thing…this is what ya get. So again, can you accept him for who he is?
Aren’t men hardwired not to be monogamous anyway? Not true. It just depends on the guy. I know PLENTY of men who are hardwired to fall deeply in love and be monogamous. I know plenty of men who are more hardwired to have multiple partners. Each of us comes to this earth with a different “hardwired” makeup. If you think about it, there is not one single thing, on the face of this earth, that we are all hardwired to be. There is not a single religion, belief about nutrition, money, love etc. that we all believe in and align with in the same exact way. We are all different and that is the spice of life. So what is important for you to honor is yourself. Honor and respect what YOU need in a relationship and then look for someone who aligns with that…it’s really that simple (although complicated, right?).
Your questions in the last paragraph are about you trying to fit this guy into your life and find a way to be okay with how he behaves with other women. What if you just let him be him and you be you. You don’t like his behavior and it makes you feel insecure in the relationship. Would you be willing to accept that this is just who you are and for you to feel safe and secure in a relationship, in the way that YOU are designed, you need a guy who doesn’t flirt and hang out with ex’s at dance clubs? Personally, I don’t have trust issues with men at all. I also would not feel okay with the behavior you are describing, because it doesn’t align with what I want to experience.
He may just be that kind of guy who needs to have a more open relationship and there’s nothing wrong with that. He needs to find a girl who is on the same page and that just isn’t you. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It just means your needs are different.
the course said that we should not be ‘the other option’ apart from the adventurous life he’s having — that he should be able to see us as a PART of their adventurous life. Being part of each other’s adventurous lives will look different to each couple. What is important is to connect to your partner’s version of adventure and be in alignment with it and vice versa. This guy’s version of adventure in his life doesn’t align with yours. You keep trying to fit yourself into HIS version in a way that changes your core values and that just won’t work. It doesn’t make either of you right or wrong. It just means there is a big enough difference that it doesn’t allow for a connection that works for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I just have a few questions. How old are you guys? So both breakups he used the same reasons of “I just don’t feel the same anymore.” What do you understand about this? Does he say that he just stops having feelings or is there something that is happening between you guys that cause him to take a step back? Does he even know? How long were you together before he broke up the first time and how long before you got back together? When you got back together, did you feel his excitement and connection to you? Do YOU feel when he starts to lose interest in you? It’s happened 2x now, so I’m wondering if there is something you can look back and notice about how he shifted? How is the sexual connection?
Heidi
