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Actually, no. I’ve always been very lenient with myself, except that, i’ve always thought it was WRONG to be kind to myself. I’m confused, so maybe you need to explain this a little more for me. You say you are lenient with yourself YET in the same exact sentence you believe it’s “wrong” to be kind to yourself. Do you see how those come across as contradictory? Wouldn’t you say that oppression is about making yourself small. Smashing down your greatness, making yourself less than. You have made SEVERAL statements over the past few posts talking about how you are less than everyone and everyone can always do things better than you. Even this statement “Is this really true? why would anyone make a trip just for me? What can it possibly mean?” it was just too much for me to take, so i put it aside to marvel at it. It was like being given a gift that was too costly, and i just have no clue how to even hold it. is revealing how little you actually think of yourself…which to me is you being oppressive towards yourself. If you TRULY believed how wonderful you are and how valuable you are in this world, to EVERYONE, then you wouldn’t be surprised that someone would come for a visit to see you. It seems like you can receive God’s love, but you are not able to BE God’s love. Meaning, you can receive it if it’s coming from him, but there really is not a lot of self-love. God can love you as much as you want, but that doesn’t change that YOU have to be able to also see yourself through God’s eyes and see your greatness. It seems that is a missing piece here. Just my thoughts and maybe I am misunderstanding.
So, basically, it means, there are no victims, because those who are being abused in some way are choosing to be in that situation. If it is true that there are no victims, then it must also be that there are no oppressors. I understand your point. Let me expand a little further. First, I didn’t realize she wasn’t here in the U.S. Yes, you are correct in that there is a lot of help here for people wanting to get out of the situation. It’s different in other countries. Being a victim or an oppressor is an attitude. Children, in my mind, are the only true victims as they don’t have a choice and also are not developed enough to be able to choose an attitude or mindset. In this one movie, this was a great debate between a teacher and gang members. The teacher was arguing that there is always choice and a gang member said something like, “not if you have a gun pointed at your head.” And then another student said, “Well then, the choice is in how you want to die. You can choose to any mindset you want even if you have a gun pointed at your head.” There is also another movie I really like about The Hurricane who was a black pro boxer. THere was a white cop who was ALWAYS after him and eventually pinned a murder on him that he never did. There was a scene where he was in jail and he talked about how he found a way to feel “free” even though he was in prison. My thoughts are that we can be a victim for a moment, in the case of rape, murder etc., but the mindset we choose after those moments (if we are still alive of course) is where we have the choice to stay a victim or heal. Every single moment in life has lessons for us, right? My main point is, being a victim or being an oppressor is a mindset, beyond any moment of a crime. Your friend Reeta wasn’t willing to stand up for herself and deal with the consequences of that choice. So her choice was to instead stay in the situation and continue being abused. Does that make her a victim? She eventually found a way out, right? Could she maybe have done that sooner? Were there any other opportunities or things she could have done to get out of the situation? Only she knows that. Either way, she stayed in it and she got out. Hopefully, she has helped herself heal, forgiven, let the past go and learned from all of it so she doesn’t get into that situation again. I wish we could talk about this in person because there are soooooo many layers about this particular concept that are extremely difficult to express through typing. I do however understand your point of view and understand why you think the way you do. When you get down to the nitty gritty, it creates a certain perspective. I have a tendency to look at the BIGGEST picture I can find about a situation and it actually changes perspective. Imagine if you had a bird’s eye view of a situation. A bird’s eye view sees EVERYTHING whereas a person’s view on the ground only sees what is in front of them….2 very different perspectives, right?
All of my judgmental attitude towards people comes from this cultural way of thinking – the way of seeing some people as superior and others as inferior. Of course! It’s really strong social programming isn’t it?
so there’s no more fear of emotional pain. And, it’s not ‘myself’ that i trust, but God, because i know that no matter the situation, He will supply me with all the resources i need to heal. In fact, i’m so sure of this that i feel i can’t even be hurt in this area anymore. Why not have trust in yourself as well. God can provide, but YOU have to be the one to take actions and actually go through the situation, so having trust in yourself is crucial. You think you can’t be hurt in what area? With women??
Also, i don’t connect to women emotionally, so they can’t cause me emotional pain to start with. Only men can do that. So i tried to think of what exactly i am protecting from other women? They cannot destroy what they don’t have access to, so what is it that i feel like they have access to? If you don’t connect to women emotionally, then wouldn’t you say there is a “wall” there? Wouldn’t you say that there is a “block” of some sort preventing you from connecting with the majority of the human race? This statement you make is full of fear, from my viewpoint. Walls or blocks of any kind are about protection. There is a fear of being hurt, so a wall goes up so you can protect yourself from being hurt. If you are THAT numb that you can’t connect to other women, then that just tells me how wounded you have been by them in your past….enough to cause you to not feel anything (being numb). What are your thoughts on this?
There WAS something else that came up from the mediations today — to story was about Jesus, going to Jerusalem, and he was passing through Samaria. He sent some disciples ahead of him to make preparations but when the samaritans in that village found out that he was staying there on his way to Jerusalem, they didn’t want to host. And i was wondering about that, because a part of me felt like the reason they didn’t want to host is because they were offended that he was only visiting with them because they were on the way, and not because he was making the trip solely for them. Could that be true? Of course this could be true…but it could be something else. Only the people that were there and involved really know. Does it matter though?
I still don’t see how a deeper relationship with a woman would look like. Yes you do. Reeta is someone you were deeply connected to. I’m not saying that you need deeper relationships with women though. I’m more looking at your general mistrust and general attitude towards women. You give men so much more leeway, patience, understanding than you do women. I mean, why not tell a woman at your work about JB? What’s so bad about that? It allows another co-worker to know you a little more. Is that so bad?
Heidi
I’m glad you guys agreed to not drink. Well done!
Of course he has issues as well, but whether or not he wants to do the work to resolve them is a different story. Is he willing to read books, go to seminars, find a therapist etc.? What are YOU willing to do to begin to heal and change?Your neediness is insecurity and being driven by fear. What are you afraid of that makes you needy?
Heidi
What incredible questions you are asking!!!
Here is a great podcast to listen to: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3Pko0IqPJkh46q0xX67Jdx?si=m5tWpISwQiOnLWE8uHFLWg&dl_branch=1
First, your need for revenge is of course the ego, but go deeper. What is the “ego” needing? How will revenge serve your ego? Your need for revenge is about him hurting you and you want to hurt him back. That is child/wounded energy and thinking. What does your child energy REALLY need? And lastly, the way to resolve this is through forgiveness. Forgiving is about giving up your need for revenge. Forgiveness is about letting go of the story, the hurt, the betrayal etc. and only being left with peace about what happened. Are you willing to forgive him and her? But it is not an excuse, is it? It is just a sign of emotional immaturity and distress. Just as you have a need to hurt him, he acted from a need to hurt you. Yes, it’s emotionally immature. We all have those feelings. A true adult though, will handle those feelings personally and not allow the childish energy to take over and cause harm. He doesn’t have enough adult energy to control those BIG feelings that the wounded child part of him carries.
So, the conclusion is that we are such complicated beings, and that maybe we should not have expectations of anybody. To be so grounded, that whatever anybody does, does not faze us. Of course things are going to phase us, no matter how emotionally healthy or grounded we are. I personally consider myself on the high end of emotionally healthy and it’s because of 2 things: 1. I am resilient. When I get hurt, I quickly deal with my feelings, emotions, stories etc. and I always choose to forgive. And I do it pretty quickly. I have an incredible coach to help me with the bigger things and I have a skillset to be able to handle the smaller things. So WHEN I get triggered, I know how to heal. 2. I have cleared so much baggage and that results in 2 things: Triggers happening only occasionally instead of frequently and when I do get triggered, I recover quickly. My point being is that emotional health to me is not about NOT getting triggered, it’s about having healthy responses to triggers and not choosing the victim mentality. Does this make sense?
Accepting that we are flawed, that at a certain point anybody can dissapoint us. But is this realistic? Can we function like this, and still be involved with life? Can a life partnership function like this? Yes, we are flawed. Yes we will be disappointed and will disappoint the ones we love. Yes, we can function like this and still be involved in life like I just explained. Yes, a healthy relationship can function like this. I think the podcast I shared above will be a good example for you. I personally loved it!
How about commitment, shared goals? Don’t they become expectations? How to navigate this? What type of life can this be? For a certain reason, the phrase “with eyes wide open” comes to mind. Can we really gain such clarity? How? It’s important to have shared goals and dreams. Absolutely expectations come into the picture and not all expectations are a bad thing. Some expectations are crucial for a healthy relationship. For example, I expect that whomever I am with, to treat me with respect. I will ALWAYS expect that and if someone doesn’t align, then I have a choice to make don’t I? These are standards. When it comes to shared goals and dreams, it’s about staying in communication about the expectations, the plans, the timing of when and how you will meet those goals together. Reality is, someone may bail or not show up well…the point is not to get sooooo attached that you are not also able to go with the flow and stay open to changes. It’s more about the level that we get attached to something or someone being a certain way, that it doesn’t allow “flow” where problems can arise. Flow is about acceptance, eyes wide open to see and feel and be aware of all the dynamics and not being attached to an outcome. Does this make sense?
I seriously could talk about this stuff hours!!! I LOVE this! You are asking such wonderful questions and there is sooooooo much more to say, so keep asking!
Heidi
Wow! What an incredible weekend! I love that you guys had such a good time together and that he kept saying that! He is experiencing you being involved in his life on a much deeper level and discovering how good that feels for him. I’m sure that’s scary at the same time. You said he keeps saying that he doesn’t want to lose what he has with you, so my guess is, that is his biggest fear. He is afraid that if things don’t work out between you guys (which I’m guessing he thinks will happen) then he is going to lose your friendship and it’s clear your friendship is really important to him. It’s a HUGE risk for him to step into a relationship with you.
It said that it feels less exciting, and that usually people get less of the butterfly feeling, less of the nervousness and that because of that people won’t equate it with interest, love or chemistry I’m not going to 100% agree with this. I have felt PLENTY of butterflies, excitement and passion with guys who were very available. I would not associate excitement and butterflies only with unavailable men. That’s quite a generalization. I understand what they might be referring to and there is SOME truth in it, but I personally would not make a sweeping general statement like that. Each situation and couple carries unique experiences, so I would more recommend to just take it one situation at a time. I also am not seeing how this is true for Tim. My educated guess is that he is just truly afraid to lose your friendship and he believes he will lose it by stepping into a relationship with you. Those are my thoughts at least.It can also be calm and secure, but that many people are not used to that feeling and it takes some time to get used to it that relationships can feel like that too. Again, love can feel like a million different things. Love takes on the shape of the people experiencing it, so it can be calm and secure and passionate and exciting all at the same time! Love is so darn expansive, so I think it’s more important to understand that love will take different shapes, according to who you are and who the other is and love can be molded and shaped into different things as well. Love is limitless!
As far as going to the next level for the non-negotiable list, it’s basically REALLY testing out the non-negotiables. I will ask a lot of questions about your list and really push you and challenge you with it. It’s mainly about going a lot deeper in the understanding of what you are asking for with that list.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ale,
You are asking some of the most important questions to ask, if you are going to make some changes. Well done!
I want a relationship where the guy is all About me, What does this mean exactly? How do you imagine a relationship would feel or look like if he was all about you? In your mind, do you feel this is what a healthy relationship would look like?
From your reading and understanding, what makes you needy? Do you know where this began? Have you always been like this? Or are you feeling this way only in this current relationship?
Would you be willing to stop drinking for now? It sounds like that is a point of contention, so maybe consider taking it out for now until you guys are able to function more peacefully with each other.
Lastly, it’s important to understand that he is NOT responsible for your happiness nor making you feel like you are valuable and loveable. That is YOUR responsibility first and foremost. Your unhappiness is about the stories, wounds, hurts etc. that you have carried inside since you were a child. If you have never done any kind of healing work, all those emotions just keep building and building and building and then when you try to have a relationship with someone, all those stored emotions keep getting triggered. If you really want a healthier relationship where you stop fighting, then would you consider maybe working with a coach or a therapist so you can begin to clear the baggage you are carrying?
I too had a tumultuous relationship a few decades ago, similar to yours. We fought so much AND we were electric together. Our passion was always palpable. When things were peaceful and good, it was REALLY good. Unfortunately the escalation of our fighting and hurt just became too much and we needed to separate. Funny enough, we recently reconnected and caught up (20 some years later) and the chemistry was still instant and powerful and we treated each other sooooooo much better because we both have done a lot of healing work. It was really healing to get to circle back around in a healthy, respectful way. The path you guys are on right now is towards a breakup, unless something changes. If you guys fight when you drink, then stop drinking. Start taking a look at yourself and what is driving you to fight with him and take a deeper look into your insecurities and neediness. Those are the things you can do to start to create some impactful changes.
Thoughts?
Heidi
The Ho’oponopono prayer is weird to me in that it is not directed TO anyone, and also, it doesn’t seem to come FROM anywhere. What am i saying sorry for? Who am i asking for forgiveness? that open-endedness made it full of uncertainties for me. IT has the opposite effect of TRUST. I understand why this prayer has no value for you. You weren’t taught the depth of it and where it comes from. It’s actually centuries old and is incredibly powerful. It’s been used in Hawaiin ceremony as an act of forgiveness and conscious choice to sit in front of another who has “harmed” you and choose forgiveness towards them and towards yourself and towards the situation. If you just read the 4 lines of the prayers, it doesn’t make sense and doesn’t feel very powerful. If you read the history and where it comes from, it takes on an incredibly powerful meaning and purpose. The guy who make it popular in the west was a psychiatrist. Yes, the mental prison was in a horrible mess. The guy would read each inmate’s file each day and ask himself “what is in my ‘brother’ that caused him to do these things, that also lives within me?” Meaning, if an inmate was angry, he would look for the anger within himself and then do the ho’oponono prayer (there’s a bit of prep you do other than just saying the sentences). It took 2 years. At the end of 2 years, 10 of the 12 inmates were 100% healed from their mental illness and the prison was actually shut down because it wasn’t needed anymore. That’s the power of any prayer, if used in it’s most powerful, high frequency state. I love though, that at the very least, you found how valuable words are for you and it brought more into relationship with prayers that DO resonate for you.
SO, yeah. don’t do the things you see me do on the outside. There’s a lot on the inside that’s the basis of what i’m doing on the outside and there’s no way i can write all that down. Yes yes yes! YOU are the only one who knows what feels the most powerful, purposeful and helpful for what you are wanting to create. This is such a valuable lesson that all of us need to be reminded of. Being a coach, I have to be reminded occasionally that what I think the person should do for the best outcome, is what is best for them. LOL. The thing is, all I can ever really do is give someone information, ask questions and help them connect to THEIR truth. Then I have to let it all go. I have to let go of the outcome and let them do whatever they want with the information I share. It’s THEIR life and I need to trust in their path.
i hate Indians and their oppressive cultures! they snuffed out her laughter! and the light in her eyes. I’m going to be quite blunt here. I hope it’s okay. You hatting their oppressive tendencies is exactly how you treat yourself. You are incredibly oppressive towards yourself, yes? The thing about your friend is she is NOT a victim. She CHOSE to stay. She CHOSE to be abused. Eventually she figured it out, which is so good for her! It’s awful what she had to endure. However, the culture did not steel her light. She let her light go out. That is one thing that no one can ever take from us. It is the one thing we DO have control over. We can either fight to keep our light alive or we give into the darkness that life presents. I don’t blame you at all for feeling how you feel about the whole situation. Maybe look into this a little more? Maybe look into your hatred toward that culture and see what is in you that acts the same way.
I’m trying to allow myself to feel what it feels like to be seen and chosen by God. He’s been doing some pretty cool stuff in my life. So, i have to think about this and soak it in. This is great! How about taking it a step further and seeing YOURSELF this same way. You can look to God all you want, but also along with that is also viewing yourself in the same way. YOU need to choose you. YOU need to see you. This is all about self-love, right?
i just feel deflated when i feel like someone else has worked harder than i have. Why haven’t i worked harder? What’s holding me back? i can’t compete for attention, because i know i will fail. Even if i win, it would be temporary, because it’s not hard to beat my score. Sometimes, i wonder why God is paying so much attention to the details of my life. I’ve got nothing to give him in return. The thing is Vino, there is no competition. There will always be someone working harder at something than you are. That’s true for everyone. It doesn’t mean that what you do has any less value. You are basing your value in this world on “performance” (which is the divine masculine energy) vs. basing your value on this world by just “being yourself” (which is the divine feminine energy). You ARE enough just as you are. Even if you fail, you are enough. You are enough to recover, to be resilient, to learn, to grow, to become more. YOU ARE ENOUGH not based on anything other than you just ARE. That’s how God views us. We are loved and valued JUST BECAUSE we are his creation…nothing more. If we can actually love ourselves in the same way, then comparing/competing wouldn’t need to happen. We are giving our best in any given moment and some days our best is really awful and some days our best is pretty spectacular. It’s ALL good, right?
Anyway — it’s far too humiliating to be told someone else can teach me how to talk to God better than i do on my own. You are competing again with this statement. How come someone’s teaching has to be “better” than what you know. There are PLENTY of people that I have learned from that know far less than I do and know far more than I do. Everyone is a teacher to me. I don’t compare whose information is more or less than me, I just take in information and see if it works for me or not. There are plenty of teachings that are powerful, yet they just don’t fit for me at the time. So really, humiliation doesn’t need to exist. It’s just about people sharing information and you just decide whether you want to use or reject that info. There is not “better than” that exists in that.
I don’t know what healing should look like in this area, as i don’t really see any benefit to being able to be trust a woman fully and be vulnerable in front of her. It’s not about trusting “other.” It’s about trusting yourself. The reality is, man or woman, they will hurt you, right? WE are all human and will hurt ourselves and others. So putting your “trust” in someone outside of yourself is a bit of a illusion. Trusting someone else will behave in a certain way that feels okay for you…means you are believing that person will behave in that way all the time. They may or may not. Who knows. SO the point is about instead staying empowered and trusting in YOURSELF that no matter WHEN that person (male or female) hurts you, you will be okay. You are resilient, strong, resourceful and valuable. So no matter how someone else behaves, you KNOW you can heal, forgive and move beyond the hurt. It’s you and God. You have a strong relationship and trust in God, but the piece that is missing is your relationship with yourself. You are doing some beautiful work in this area though. It’s a very layered and lifetime process, right? Women are reflective of how much you don’t trust yourself. If you TRULY trusted yourself deeply and unconditionally you wouldn’t feel like you needed to protect yourself against them, right?
Heidi
Hey there!
Yes…it sounds like there is more healing to do around this whole situation. What do you feel is not resolved? The betrayal? What story are you telling yourself about the betrayal? What story is feeding your desire for revenge?
Heidi
Wow! That is a really beautiful article. So true! Thank you for sharing it with me!
I have clients who just flew to Ireland last week. I wonder if they on the plane okay. I’m sure if they have any stories, I will hear about it when they get back in a month. It sounds like although you are not in alignment with all the rhetoric/politics going on, you are finding a way to be okay with what is being required. I think this is the most important part. Do what you need to do, in order to find your peace. You sound much more “resolved” about it compared to a month ago, so you are figuring it out. Well done!
It’s time for you to start seeing more of the world! You are going to absolutely love it! Travel will imprint upon you and change you in ways that only travel can. You will love it!
I love how different people are really appreciating you and valuing you there! As crappy as it is to work there, it seems people are pretty good at giving you compliments.
I hope you get more sunshine! It’s sooooo important, right?
Heidi
I feel like the hardships that i overcame aren’t as significant or as big the ones that Stacie overcame. Gosh…I know how you feel. It’s actually a common thing most people feel when they start to put their stuff out there. It’s called “Imposter Syndrome.” People think “who am I to put any of my knowledge out there? I’m not all that special. So many people out there know it better than me or have better experiences or there is so much information on this topic, who am I to offer a program when people can get it elsewhere etc.” Thoughts along this line are quite normal. It stops a lot of people from putting their work out there. So now that you recognize this story you have about yourself, now what? Are you going to hold onto that story or create a new one?
This is one of the reasons i find it extremely difficult to learn from women, in general. I can learn things like cooking and crafting, medicine, fitness, etc, – things that aren’t emotionally charged. But the closer, and more personal it gets, the less i’m able to receive from a woman. So – the spiritual realm of things, is the closest thing to my heart. No woman can enter there. Ever. I don’t even care if she’s a saint and has direct access to God. I can’t have anyone getting between me and God. It’s interesting that some of the thoughts you have are around feeling threatened by a woman. The truth is, no one can get between you and God ever. If that ever happens, it’s only because YOU give your power away, not because of any other person. So really, there is no threat, right? But somehow a woman makes you feel this way…tell me more about this, if you are willing. I know you have struggled with women since the beginning and we have gone through many circles talking about women. Are you willing to go another round?
This isn’t to say we don’t learn from each other, or from sermons and books and bible studies etc. But — all of those things are optional! A Mass is complete even if the preaching is completely taken out of it. This gives us the freedom to learn at our own pace, in our own way. This makes total sense. I understand what this means for you and how you view it. You did a good job explaining it all!But what if you don’t need to learn from suffering? i know that pain and suffering has been a far more effective teacher than pleasure, because pain gets your attention in a way that pleasure doesn’t. BUT – does that mean it’s not possible to learn through unpolluted sources? Through good things? Through pleasure? Funny enough, pleasure is more difficult to learn from than pain. Isn’t that crazy??? I think about that sometimes. We humans are so backward sometimes. We learn from both, always. Pain and pleasure will always exist, many times in the same moment and sometimes the pain is pleasure and pleasure is painful. Either way…you get to choose. If you want less pain, then it’s about making different decisions and designing a life that brings more pleasure and you will learn from that space. Pain will always show up again and you will get to learn again. It’s all just the cycle of life.
But after looking at everything, i have to choose which path i am going to take, and when i make that decision, i draw boundaries – by rejecting some things, and accepting other things. Since i have chosen the path of the Catholic, i will receive all things, but i will filter them through a Catholic lens, and if something isn’t in line with what is good for me, i will reject it. And if something IS good for me, i will accept it, even if it hurts. This is ultimately what we ALL need to come to. We all resonate with different paths, boxes, beliefs, ways of living, morality etc. The real journey is about knowing yourself and the kind of person you want to be. It doesn’t mean you are more right or wrong or better or anything more than another person, it just means you align with what makes you the very best person. You are doing such an incredible job on this journey unraveling all that you are. You are doing more than most! Well done!
BUT, what if, the Little Things ARE the Grander Scheme of Things?! The only time i’ve heard Little Things presented in the positive way is when in the phrase: “attention to detail”. Everyone always appreciates that. In a way, they are still mysterious to me, because, i can’t answer the question – what exactly IS the significance of my hair?! lol 🙂 I think a little mystery is good! I have no doubt you will discover the significance of your hair at some point. Imagine shaving it all off and you will find out what it means…LOL
An example of something i have rejected would be the Ho’oponopono prayer It doesn’t sound like you reject this prayer. It just sounds like you also found the essence of this prayer in your religion and belief structure, which makes the Ho’oponono prayer “real” so to speak. Am I missing something? I don’t quite understand how you reject it and why.
1. i don’t have ANY issues charging or getting paid from my massage therapy training, and my nursing, or another professional training/education. I wouldn’t have trouble charging for a craft class either. Something is different about personal growth stuff. Well, in the beginning you were comparing yourself to Stacie and didn’t feel good enough. Is that maybe the core program you have about it? You aren’t good enough somehow? I’m sure there are a lot of layers to it though. Producing content to help others and ask for money is a REALLY big deal. I haven’t known a single person that doesn’t have to work through some layers. Men are actually much better at it because they just do it where women tend to think much more about it.
2. i matched the feeling that rises up in me, at the thought of learning spiritual things from another woman. (slightly present with men too, but lesser than with women). It feels the same as being told that my way of communicating with God isn’t good enough, and that someone else’s is better than mine and i should learn from them. So, it triggers my defensiveness. I do not compete. If God (or anyone else) can’t accept me as i am, with my way of communicating, then i’m not talking to him. I will not compete for attention. I’d rather be rejected than get someone’s attention by using someone else’s ideas. This is so great that you are identifying where you are stuck with women! It sounds like there is an inherent competitiveness you may have been wounded by somehow. The idea that you “will not compete” is the rabbit hole you can go down if you want. A woman or man’s ideas about how to communicate with God is just that…just ideas where they are speaking from experience and passing on their knowledge, right? So where is the story coming from that “someone else’s is better than mine and i should learn from them.” This is a low self-esteem story running in your system and is what is activating all your defensiveness. This is the place where healing can occur, right?
Heidi
Last year, when i was getting to know her, i was telling her how difficult it was for me to think of putting a price on the things i’ve learned, because i got them for free through my friends and other random people in my life. You haven’t received everything you have learned for free! You pay for this membership and have learned here. You paid for your coach and have learned on that platform. You have paid for other programs and have learned from those programs. We pay for someone else’s knowledge all of the time! Whatever program that exists, there was a lot of time, mistakes made, energy and effort put into creating those programs. And the hardship that was overcome to come up with the information in the first place is hard won, for any good program with effective information. The same would be true about any program you create. People are paying for all the effort, time, your other investments and the “blood, sweat and tears” you have endured to even come up with your program. Your wisdom is worth someone else buying from you.
God doesn’t deliberately give us polluted things. How do you know this??? What if there is a lesson God wants you to learn through a polluted source?
i don’t need an abundance of men, i need an abundance of money, and ONE good man! lol 🙂 Anyway – this is how my brain sees things. Does it still seem limiting to you? You are the only one who can truly know if your beliefs are limiting or not. It’s all so personal. There are people who believe that attaching yourself to a religion and learning about God through that religion is a limiting way of knowing God and yourself. But for you, it’s expansive and healing. So again, it’s all about perspective and what resonates for you.
I mean, if God is my father, why should i learn to communicate with him through someone else’s ideas? Isn’t that what you are doing through church? Whoever is up there teaching to the congregation, is teaching THEIR perspective and teaching from their own personal experiences and teaching from their ideas and helping you learn about God and how to strengthen/develop a relationship with God. There are somewhere around 33,000 different variations/paths of Christianity. Some are similar and some are completely different, but what it all comes down to is people gravitate towards ideas/ways of living that resonate for them. So why can’t Stacie have good ideas about how to improve communication? My guess is, if she were a guest speaker in your church on Sunday, you would have listened, yes?
I’m curious to know what your perspectives were about being provided for AND what they are now! What was the energy that you had behind being provided for? And how did it connect with God? In my 20s, my perspectives about God were much more limited. I had God in a box, therefore my life and everything in it had a box. I had very clear places that everything fit into. Everything had a place so to speak. This was my way of controlling everything, so when something happened and didn’t fit into a perfect little box, it drove me nuts! LOL. So being provided for, needed to fit into certain ways and look certain ways for it to be from God. Now, I’m much more expansive. Now, I look at EVERY possibility and see truth in every perspective and source. I see God everywhere and in everything.
So, after reading about her, i just sat there speechless and wondered why God cares about such tiny, minute details of my life? Sure, they matter to me, because they affect me directly — but it doesn’t affect anyone else does it? It’s funny you say this when just before you talked about God blessing you with your hair. Wouldn’t you say your hair is a small, minute detail in the grand scheme of life? Why would you think that God doesn’t care about something like that? Every blade of grass and every ant and fly is accounted for in God’s world, right? We may THINK certain things are minute, meaningless details, but if you then apply what you THINK to what God thinks, then that’s assuming you know what God feels and thinks. That’s quite an assumption! So – when i see God blessing me with good hair, then how can i doubt that he will also me with other things that are actually necessary for life on this earth? Many people would dispute this, right? It’s all about the perspective we choose to align with. Being “provided for” means different things to different people. By the way, you might want to check out Deva Curl. I have naturally curly hair and it wasn’t until I came across this product and hairstylist trained specifically in the Deva Cut method, did I learn about how to care for my curls. It was a complete game changer! It was the first haircut in my life that actually turned out the way I wanted! Not all of their products work for my hair, but some do. It’s just fun to experiment with them! https://www.devacurl.com/blog/devacut-before-and-after/
Heidi
Wow! That’s so sad how controlling Alex is allowing her mom to be. Her mom can be as controlling as she wants, but Alex participates and agrees to that design. Yikes! I can’t imagine what kind of mother she will turn out to be, if they have children. It would be a very good thing for Trav to get away from that kind of energy. It may even be contributing to his need to step away from his old beliefs. It could be activating a need to rebel. Which, in a way, is pretty healthy for Trav to do! I sure hope his passport comes through and that he can be with you for Christmas and maybe even move there!
You are officially vaccinated! Wow! How do you feel? You must have resolved it somehow in your mind/heart to move forward with that choice. Good for you!
Norway is gorgeous. What about Switzerland??? OMG the Swiss mountains are breathtaking as well. Have you been there?? New Zealand would be amazing as well. Yes, crazy expensive to go there!! It sounds like it’s on the bucket list though 🙂
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
It’s helpful to get those personal texts, doesn’t it? If you end up talking a bit, make sure you use that as an example as to what will help you FEEL connected, even though he is in his man cave and what will help you feel more at peace while he is isolating and facing his mortality.
Maybe mention this to him as well (you know best of course). There are 2 BIG differences between men and women….the core energy from which we operate from and develop our self-esteem from. For men, their ability to PRODUCE in this world is essential. Men need to DO something. A man without a job is pretty useless in every area of his life until he gets situated. If a man becomes the stay at home dad for the kids, they will eventually be driven to find projects at home to complete. That is what fulfills their identity and purpose more than anything. For women, our ability to CONNECT is essential. We are the relationship caretakers. As long as our relationships are good, as long as we have connections in our lives, we can operate in our lives. If you take away connection, our whole world spins out of control. That’s why stay at home moms feel more natural. Moms are caretaking the relationships with teachers, other moms, the kids, the neighbors, the babysitters etc. So…my point in saying all of this, is when a man enters into his cave, especially for any extended period of time, it’s a level of disconnect – which triggers us in a very different way compared to a man. Even though we may know it’s not personal and it’s an essential/healthy thing, it doesn’t change that it touches on the very core of our nature – and that’s just plain uncomfortable. It will activate our low self-esteem thoughts and will also activate our primal need to want to take care of the relationship even more – which is counterproductive to what the man actually needs. It’s important for men to understand what they are doing when they disconnect and it’s important for women to understand what is being triggered when they go into their caves. The whole cave thing can be more peaceful if there is a respectful and honoring retreat and even an understanding about what is helpful. So your guy understanding that him calling you “baby” and making his message more personal, buys him A LOT more time in the cave very easily. Even if he doesn’t do that, cuz sometimes even asking for something that simple might be too much, you can at least understand that your primal nature is being triggered and it’s an energy you can directly work with more effectively. Hopefully this is helpful.
Heidi
Wow! This is all so beautiful! You are experiencing all of these shifts and starting to identify what’s happening for you. I’m thinking there is a teaching program in here somewhere. You are REALLY good at creating “boxes” to explain what is happening. I’m starting to see a system, so to speak, that may be something you could put out into the public if that interested you at some point!
You are only as strong as your support is. It’s interesting to me that people are ok with looking for emotional, mental, spiritual and even physical support from God, but not financial support. Well, i can’t say anything till my supply comes in, right? But when it does, i expect it to be as abundant as the air we breathe! And pure too! Who wants polluted air?! Unless God is the source for all of my needs, i will not be fully Free. I’m going to question this some. I get what you are saying whole heartedly. AND…why can’t God source you or anyone even through “polluted” sources? The truth is, first and foremost, it’s our job to look at the stories we are creating around something. If something is “polluted” I guarantee you can find MANY people who look at the same situation and not call it polluted. It’s all about perspective, right? And even if your perspective is that it’s polluted (i.e. alimony from your ex) whose to say that it was not a source from God? Why not? Wouldn’t you say that might be putting a limitation on what God does in our lives and how we are provided for? I really wrestled with these questions personally in my 20s. My father was my main source of income while I worked on getting through graduate school etc. It was INCREDIBLY difficult because it tied me to him and it gave him power in my life that felt so toxic…hence I chose to work on my perspective about being provided for, my perspective about my dad and my view of God “providing” for me. It was really interesting what came through for me as I went down the rabbit hole of all my stories…even the story I had about God and how this energy interacted with me. Just something to think about.
So I take you back to this…what does it feel like for you to be a billionaire and financially limitless? Imagine that life, what it would look like, feel like, who would be in it etc? Even imagine that you are NOT sharing this money with other people. You only share it with those who are closes to you, but other than that, you just get to enjoy the lifestyle however you want, without having to think about others. Some parts of your vision could feel amazing and wonderful and some parts might feel uncomfortable. Explore what comes up for you.
Heidi
Good job! I’m not sure if you are doing this or not with your compliments and appreciation, but it’s always the most powerful when you give specific examples. So instead of saying, “I feel protected by you” you would want to say “When you do…….I feel really protected and safe with you.”
And the truth is, no matter how much you reassure him or communicate that to him, it still might not be enough to counteract his fear, his insecurities and need to pull away so he is not a “burden” to you. He obviously has some type of VERY POWERFUL story about himself and cancer and love and the only way past that story, is through it. He may not be willing to really look at it. So the most you can do is continue to communicate your needs, your feelings and your support and accept that it just might not be enough. You can only do so much, right? He might sabotage this connection so much so that he will push you away completely. Who knows. When death is knocking on our door, we feel things that nothing else, but death, can activate. He has some very BIG things he needs to face.
If he doesn’t know how you can best support him, then give him ideas. For example, you can say “Okay…so you don’t know. Is it okay that I send you funny messages? Can we have a date night at least once a week? Can we talk on the phone at least once a week?” It’s important for YOU to be clear about what you want and then tell him how you would like to support him and see if that feels okay for him. Either way, navigating something like this requires a lot of communication. You can even ask him “When I am sending you something and you are not responding, what is happening for you?” Get curious about his day, his thoughts and feelings and see if he is willing to share with you. I would probably start the conversation by saying “I am at a bit of a loss right now and I need your help. We haven’t been connecting as much as we normally do, and that’s okay. What will be helpful for me is to understand what you are thinking and what is happening for you, if you are willing to share. I love you so much and I want to connect with you all of the time and I understand how that might be overwhelming for you right now. I want to better understand what you are going through and how to best support you. Would you be willing to help me?”
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Valetta,
It’s so confusing, isn’t it??? That’s what makes dating so difficult. You are just getting to know someone and you start to get used to them being a certain way and then they change.
I”m wondering, is he initiating contact with you? Meaning, is he texting you? Is he asking you out at all? Or are you the one always starting the conversations and planning something to do? How did you meet him?
I’m sorry to say this, but I’m wondering if he is dating another girl as well or maybe a few girls. You have only known each other for a month so it’s not unusual to keep dating other people until you really feel like you want to really commit to someone. He obviously is not feeling the same way as he did when things first started out, so something has caused him to shift. Do you have any idea what that might be?
Heidi
