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Last year, when i was getting to know her, i was telling her how difficult it was for me to think of putting a price on the things i’ve learned, because i got them for free through my friends and other random people in my life. You haven’t received everything you have learned for free! You pay for this membership and have learned here. You paid for your coach and have learned on that platform. You have paid for other programs and have learned from those programs. We pay for someone else’s knowledge all of the time! Whatever program that exists, there was a lot of time, mistakes made, energy and effort put into creating those programs. And the hardship that was overcome to come up with the information in the first place is hard won, for any good program with effective information. The same would be true about any program you create. People are paying for all the effort, time, your other investments and the “blood, sweat and tears” you have endured to even come up with your program. Your wisdom is worth someone else buying from you.
God doesn’t deliberately give us polluted things. How do you know this??? What if there is a lesson God wants you to learn through a polluted source?
i don’t need an abundance of men, i need an abundance of money, and ONE good man! lol 🙂 Anyway – this is how my brain sees things. Does it still seem limiting to you? You are the only one who can truly know if your beliefs are limiting or not. It’s all so personal. There are people who believe that attaching yourself to a religion and learning about God through that religion is a limiting way of knowing God and yourself. But for you, it’s expansive and healing. So again, it’s all about perspective and what resonates for you.
I mean, if God is my father, why should i learn to communicate with him through someone else’s ideas? Isn’t that what you are doing through church? Whoever is up there teaching to the congregation, is teaching THEIR perspective and teaching from their own personal experiences and teaching from their ideas and helping you learn about God and how to strengthen/develop a relationship with God. There are somewhere around 33,000 different variations/paths of Christianity. Some are similar and some are completely different, but what it all comes down to is people gravitate towards ideas/ways of living that resonate for them. So why can’t Stacie have good ideas about how to improve communication? My guess is, if she were a guest speaker in your church on Sunday, you would have listened, yes?
I’m curious to know what your perspectives were about being provided for AND what they are now! What was the energy that you had behind being provided for? And how did it connect with God? In my 20s, my perspectives about God were much more limited. I had God in a box, therefore my life and everything in it had a box. I had very clear places that everything fit into. Everything had a place so to speak. This was my way of controlling everything, so when something happened and didn’t fit into a perfect little box, it drove me nuts! LOL. So being provided for, needed to fit into certain ways and look certain ways for it to be from God. Now, I’m much more expansive. Now, I look at EVERY possibility and see truth in every perspective and source. I see God everywhere and in everything.
So, after reading about her, i just sat there speechless and wondered why God cares about such tiny, minute details of my life? Sure, they matter to me, because they affect me directly — but it doesn’t affect anyone else does it? It’s funny you say this when just before you talked about God blessing you with your hair. Wouldn’t you say your hair is a small, minute detail in the grand scheme of life? Why would you think that God doesn’t care about something like that? Every blade of grass and every ant and fly is accounted for in God’s world, right? We may THINK certain things are minute, meaningless details, but if you then apply what you THINK to what God thinks, then that’s assuming you know what God feels and thinks. That’s quite an assumption! So – when i see God blessing me with good hair, then how can i doubt that he will also me with other things that are actually necessary for life on this earth? Many people would dispute this, right? It’s all about the perspective we choose to align with. Being “provided for” means different things to different people. By the way, you might want to check out Deva Curl. I have naturally curly hair and it wasn’t until I came across this product and hairstylist trained specifically in the Deva Cut method, did I learn about how to care for my curls. It was a complete game changer! It was the first haircut in my life that actually turned out the way I wanted! Not all of their products work for my hair, but some do. It’s just fun to experiment with them! https://www.devacurl.com/blog/devacut-before-and-after/
Heidi
Wow! That’s so sad how controlling Alex is allowing her mom to be. Her mom can be as controlling as she wants, but Alex participates and agrees to that design. Yikes! I can’t imagine what kind of mother she will turn out to be, if they have children. It would be a very good thing for Trav to get away from that kind of energy. It may even be contributing to his need to step away from his old beliefs. It could be activating a need to rebel. Which, in a way, is pretty healthy for Trav to do! I sure hope his passport comes through and that he can be with you for Christmas and maybe even move there!
You are officially vaccinated! Wow! How do you feel? You must have resolved it somehow in your mind/heart to move forward with that choice. Good for you!
Norway is gorgeous. What about Switzerland??? OMG the Swiss mountains are breathtaking as well. Have you been there?? New Zealand would be amazing as well. Yes, crazy expensive to go there!! It sounds like it’s on the bucket list though 🙂
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
It’s helpful to get those personal texts, doesn’t it? If you end up talking a bit, make sure you use that as an example as to what will help you FEEL connected, even though he is in his man cave and what will help you feel more at peace while he is isolating and facing his mortality.
Maybe mention this to him as well (you know best of course). There are 2 BIG differences between men and women….the core energy from which we operate from and develop our self-esteem from. For men, their ability to PRODUCE in this world is essential. Men need to DO something. A man without a job is pretty useless in every area of his life until he gets situated. If a man becomes the stay at home dad for the kids, they will eventually be driven to find projects at home to complete. That is what fulfills their identity and purpose more than anything. For women, our ability to CONNECT is essential. We are the relationship caretakers. As long as our relationships are good, as long as we have connections in our lives, we can operate in our lives. If you take away connection, our whole world spins out of control. That’s why stay at home moms feel more natural. Moms are caretaking the relationships with teachers, other moms, the kids, the neighbors, the babysitters etc. So…my point in saying all of this, is when a man enters into his cave, especially for any extended period of time, it’s a level of disconnect – which triggers us in a very different way compared to a man. Even though we may know it’s not personal and it’s an essential/healthy thing, it doesn’t change that it touches on the very core of our nature – and that’s just plain uncomfortable. It will activate our low self-esteem thoughts and will also activate our primal need to want to take care of the relationship even more – which is counterproductive to what the man actually needs. It’s important for men to understand what they are doing when they disconnect and it’s important for women to understand what is being triggered when they go into their caves. The whole cave thing can be more peaceful if there is a respectful and honoring retreat and even an understanding about what is helpful. So your guy understanding that him calling you “baby” and making his message more personal, buys him A LOT more time in the cave very easily. Even if he doesn’t do that, cuz sometimes even asking for something that simple might be too much, you can at least understand that your primal nature is being triggered and it’s an energy you can directly work with more effectively. Hopefully this is helpful.
Heidi
Wow! This is all so beautiful! You are experiencing all of these shifts and starting to identify what’s happening for you. I’m thinking there is a teaching program in here somewhere. You are REALLY good at creating “boxes” to explain what is happening. I’m starting to see a system, so to speak, that may be something you could put out into the public if that interested you at some point!
You are only as strong as your support is. It’s interesting to me that people are ok with looking for emotional, mental, spiritual and even physical support from God, but not financial support. Well, i can’t say anything till my supply comes in, right? But when it does, i expect it to be as abundant as the air we breathe! And pure too! Who wants polluted air?! Unless God is the source for all of my needs, i will not be fully Free. I’m going to question this some. I get what you are saying whole heartedly. AND…why can’t God source you or anyone even through “polluted” sources? The truth is, first and foremost, it’s our job to look at the stories we are creating around something. If something is “polluted” I guarantee you can find MANY people who look at the same situation and not call it polluted. It’s all about perspective, right? And even if your perspective is that it’s polluted (i.e. alimony from your ex) whose to say that it was not a source from God? Why not? Wouldn’t you say that might be putting a limitation on what God does in our lives and how we are provided for? I really wrestled with these questions personally in my 20s. My father was my main source of income while I worked on getting through graduate school etc. It was INCREDIBLY difficult because it tied me to him and it gave him power in my life that felt so toxic…hence I chose to work on my perspective about being provided for, my perspective about my dad and my view of God “providing” for me. It was really interesting what came through for me as I went down the rabbit hole of all my stories…even the story I had about God and how this energy interacted with me. Just something to think about.
So I take you back to this…what does it feel like for you to be a billionaire and financially limitless? Imagine that life, what it would look like, feel like, who would be in it etc? Even imagine that you are NOT sharing this money with other people. You only share it with those who are closes to you, but other than that, you just get to enjoy the lifestyle however you want, without having to think about others. Some parts of your vision could feel amazing and wonderful and some parts might feel uncomfortable. Explore what comes up for you.
Heidi
Good job! I’m not sure if you are doing this or not with your compliments and appreciation, but it’s always the most powerful when you give specific examples. So instead of saying, “I feel protected by you” you would want to say “When you do…….I feel really protected and safe with you.”
And the truth is, no matter how much you reassure him or communicate that to him, it still might not be enough to counteract his fear, his insecurities and need to pull away so he is not a “burden” to you. He obviously has some type of VERY POWERFUL story about himself and cancer and love and the only way past that story, is through it. He may not be willing to really look at it. So the most you can do is continue to communicate your needs, your feelings and your support and accept that it just might not be enough. You can only do so much, right? He might sabotage this connection so much so that he will push you away completely. Who knows. When death is knocking on our door, we feel things that nothing else, but death, can activate. He has some very BIG things he needs to face.
If he doesn’t know how you can best support him, then give him ideas. For example, you can say “Okay…so you don’t know. Is it okay that I send you funny messages? Can we have a date night at least once a week? Can we talk on the phone at least once a week?” It’s important for YOU to be clear about what you want and then tell him how you would like to support him and see if that feels okay for him. Either way, navigating something like this requires a lot of communication. You can even ask him “When I am sending you something and you are not responding, what is happening for you?” Get curious about his day, his thoughts and feelings and see if he is willing to share with you. I would probably start the conversation by saying “I am at a bit of a loss right now and I need your help. We haven’t been connecting as much as we normally do, and that’s okay. What will be helpful for me is to understand what you are thinking and what is happening for you, if you are willing to share. I love you so much and I want to connect with you all of the time and I understand how that might be overwhelming for you right now. I want to better understand what you are going through and how to best support you. Would you be willing to help me?”
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Valetta,
It’s so confusing, isn’t it??? That’s what makes dating so difficult. You are just getting to know someone and you start to get used to them being a certain way and then they change.
I”m wondering, is he initiating contact with you? Meaning, is he texting you? Is he asking you out at all? Or are you the one always starting the conversations and planning something to do? How did you meet him?
I’m sorry to say this, but I’m wondering if he is dating another girl as well or maybe a few girls. You have only known each other for a month so it’s not unusual to keep dating other people until you really feel like you want to really commit to someone. He obviously is not feeling the same way as he did when things first started out, so something has caused him to shift. Do you have any idea what that might be?
Heidi
Wow! What an interesting update! You are so brave and doing some really good work…more than most people.
I agree…I have thought MANY MANY times, why don’t they teach us about relationships in school? It is a LIFE SKILL to know how to handle emotions, feelings, failures, heartbreaks etc. and not one educational institution teaches us how to deal with any of it! AND…there are MANY reasons, both healthy and unhealthy that we choose who to go deeper with…both in friends and lovers. Why aren’t we being taught how to differentiate what is driving us into certain situations???
Most people that I work with (post-breakup) have very little understanding about why they chose the person they chose and why they ignored all the red flags that were guarantees a breakup was in their future. The pain is a wake up call isn’t it?? Most people just hurt, bury the hurt and then go pick the same kind of person again and again and again with no clue that THEY are the common denominator. It’s so much easier to be a victim isn’t it?? You really are doing a great job getting to know yourself and understanding your choices and taking back your power. Well done!
Let me know how the exercise went! I’m really curious!
How are you feeling about R’s fling now? Now that you expressed your anger and hurt, do you feel more resolved about her?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
You are quite the trooper. It is not an easy path that you have chosen to enter into. It takes great strength! My guess is, he is waiting for you to bail, like his ex-wife did, especially considering that his diagnosis is currently getting worse and he is having to look at further, more intense types of treatment. It’s not surprising he would pull away more. It’s terrifying what he is facing.
I want to suggest another option. What about just asking him straight up? You can say something like “I notice you have gone more into your cave the past month or so. I don’t have an issue with that. I just need a little guidance from you. I’m just not sure what to do. I want to reach out quite frequently and I want to visit and be with you and I’m holding a lot back, because I’m not sure how to best support you right now. Can you offer a little guidance as to the best way to support you right now?” Also, if he is dealing with a fear of you leaving him like his ex when things get really tough, one thing that can be helpful is every once in awhile, letting him know you are still committed and you want to go through whatever happens WITH him, because he is worth it. Whenever someone’s fears and low self-esteem starts to show up, it’s helpful to remind them they are worth fighting for and remind them WHY they are worth fighting for.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I’m sorry to hear about Trav and Alex. Sounds like they have a lot of work to do with each other. Contentious relationships are always such a gift in our lives. It shows us where we are rigid, controlling, judgmental and limited. Fun right??? LOL. Most people won’t do the work though. I’m glad he at least has you to vent to. Having a safe place to release is sooooo important. I know it’s concerning for you that he believes God doesn’t exist. I personally think that is a very important step. I too rejected God for a period of time and chose not to believe. I learned so much and it was an important part of my growth. It helped me re-set and re-design my views and my beliefs. Sometimes stepping completely away is a very helpful thing. I know this would be hard for you to understand as you have never doubted the existence of God, but holding space for your son to go through this is going to be a very powerful thing for him. As scary as it may be, trust his process. How come they are moving to NY? I really like the idea of you being able to support him and maybe get into graduate school. It sounds like he really needs a boost.
You want to go to Norway??? I love that! Why Norway?
Heidi
Numerology has a looooong history and science to it. It really is fascinating! You should check out this book. It’s really fascinating and fun! https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1788173473/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&psc=1
I’m curious…you say you are not ready for anything more with JB, or any other man for that matter. What does having your “cocoon” have to do with dating? What is having your home “ready” going to do to make you ready for something more with a man?
So, why did I give away the money??! I love how you are exploring this question. It’s such a powerful one and has many many layers to it. You will slowly start to discover all the stories you have about money and where they started and where come from. The majority of your stories will be programs you have from the church, your parents and society. One interesting thing I personally discovered is how I CRINGE at the work “rich” but I open and respond to the word “abundant.” I have some beliefs that “rich” people are entitled, narcissists, money is the most important thing to them and they are empty miserable souls. My point being is you will start to discover your stories/beliefs about money and the little nuances of it, when you step into where it’s uncomfortable to go. You obviously are pretty comfortable not having a lot of money so imagine that you are a billionaire. Just start there and see what comes up for you. What parts of you like that or don’t like that and why? What are the stories that make you like it vs. not like it? Write it all down as you play with these ideas.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are full of magic!!! That is so true about you! And that will come out in your food too! I think that you feeling like you finally are creating a “home” has opened you up in such beautiful ways and there is going to be a lot more magic that will unfold for you!!!
Heidi
Hi Barbara,
Thanks for clarifying the 1.5 years. LOL! I wondered if that was a typo. So glad to hear it was!!!
Whenever I’ve asked why a relationship ended, he tells me they left. It sounds like this is the key as to what is stopping him. It’s a valid fear and one that most people have, especially with divorce in the picture after 15 years. Love is a risk, right? I’m wondering if you can be okay with his “I don’t know” for a bit. I think there are some things for YOU to work on with that. My thoughts are, you are wanting some level of a guarantee. You are wanting some level of assurance from him. The real truth is, your relationship is only good IN THE MOMENT. There is no guarantee, even for tomorrow. Tomorrow is uncertain, right? What if you really worked with the fact that FOR TODAY, he wants to be with you. Is your relationship fulfilling? Does being with him make you happy? Do you like how you guys work together? He obviously has some fears to face, but I would also say you have some fears to face as well. Can you guys just table the “future” talk and stay present and give some space to work through your different fears about the future? The fact that he is willing to go to therapy for you is fantastic! That’s movement and that deserves some time. You DO NOT know where the relationship is going. You are just head to head with one of his biggest fears. If he is willing to face it and work with it, then doesn’t he deserve some time?
He says he’s afraid of being hurt. So am I but I’m believing in him so I do it. Let’s talk about this statement a bit. Of course, he is afraid of being hurt and so are you. Instead of wanting him to believe IN YOU so he can move forward, what if you encouraged him to believe in himself?? This is essentially about trust and when we put our trust in other people, we will 100% be disappointed at some point…we are human and will let people down. First and foremost, it’s about putting trust in yourself. Whenever I am facing a fear I say to myself, “I trust in myself. I trust that I will be okay, no matter what happens. I KNOW I am resilient. I am strong. I am resourceful. I know how to heal and I know how to move past the hurt. I trust in who I am and how I show up in my life. No matter what happens in the future (fear is always about the future), I TRUST I will be okay!” This keeps me empowered. I am NOT going to rely on anyone else to behave in certain ways so that I can be comfortable and feel good in my life. That is giving away my power. That is relying on others to make me happy. Instead, I accept who people are, in all of their humannes, and I take responsibility for how I respond to their humanness. What I’m suggesting is talk to his “higher self.” So I would say something like, “Yes, I understand you are afraid of getting hurt. The truth is, I am going to hurt you and you are going to hurt me. There is no guarantee that we will last. Who knows! What I do know is that whatever happens, you are a resourceful person. I know that you made it through your divorce and somehow made it into my life and are able to love again. I know that despite the hurt you felt from your breakups, you chose to love again. I know that you will be okay, no matter what happens and so will I. I know you are the kind of man who doesn’t give up on his life and his happiness. So it’s okay that you are afraid. That just tells me you want to be more cautious and make smarter decisions. I love that about you. I’m afraid too so how about we just take one day at a time and be afraid together. What I will commit to is myself and facing my fears. Can you commit to the same thing and then we will just see where we land?” Thoughts?
Heidi
Whoa!!! What an update!!!
My goodness! What an intimate time you guys had together. It wasn’t just sex, it was cuddling and he fell asleep in your arms! That’s a big deal! That’s quite a vulnerable thing to do!
I agree that it’s good to just give that time together a little space and not bring it up. You guys are supposed to hang out again, right? I would wait and see what happens and see how he takes the lead….or not. This is where his actions are going to mean more than words. Either way, from what it sounds like, this birthday visit was probably the most intimate you guys have been, from a vulnerability perspective. My guess is, he is terrified of really falling for you. Really opening up to you is a BIG deal. If he feels that you are someone he could really seriously consider marrying, can you see why he would go suuuuuuper slow? He will most likely feel incredibly conflicted and will hop back and forth between keeping you at a distance and then merging with you. He is a slow starter to begin with, so if he is truly bonding with you, which it sounds like he is, he is going to be even slower. It is soooo incredibly scary to fall in love, especially with someone is so important in your life, right? He is risking losing you in a BIG way, right? You guys are such good friends and to this point, he has never experienced anything “lasting.” Every girl he has ever dated/loved has eventually left his life. I’m sure he does not want to experience that with you. IF he also has hints of feeling like you could really be someone he could fall for deeply, his fears about divorce are going to come up (especially since that’s a recent theme in his life) and his fears about growing up and being the next level of and “adult” and a provider are going to come up (not that he is even conscious of any of that). He most likely just feels a bunch of fear and something stopping him from moving forward. Your patience is crucial!
As far as Dave, if you feel like hanging out, then go for it! No need to tell him anything. He is Tim’s friend, not yours. Let Tim deal with the friendship in the way that he wants. If you do go and hang out, know that it will feed Dave’s feelings for you, so it’s important that you understand what you will be agreeing to. If the topic comes up, he doesn’t need to know that you and Tim hooked up, but you can express that you do have an attraction towards Tim and always have. You wouldn’t be saying anything more than what Tim already knows. If he pushes for more, you don’t need to lie, but you also don’t need to share anything either. You can simply say, “Listen, I am a really private person and don’t want to discuss Tim. It’s kind of my own private world for right now. Would you mind if we talk about something else?” I understand you really like to be honest, but Dave is not really your friend. He is a guy interested in dating you and he is Tim’s friend. So it’s best to just stay out of the way and let Tim handle the friendship. If it’s making you uncomfortable, then talk to Tim about it and you can both agree how to communicate to Dave. Thoughts?
Lastly, I would love to see some of your non-negotiable list! I would love to take you deeper into that process, as it doesn’t stop at just writing the list. I can help you take it to the next level…if you want.
Oh! Any new inspirations with your hair color???
Heidi
Hi Wendy,
Great to hear from you, even if it’s a quick check-in.
You should listen to Aubrey Marcus #326 “Knowing When to Trust Love….” It’s his most recent one I believe and I LOVED it because he and his wife talk with another couple and, in my opinion at least, really demonstrate what a healthy relationship can look like. It’s a fun podcast!
Of course you miss him in your life. That’s one of the hardest parts of a breakup…creating a new kind of day without that other person that filled it in some sort of way. I’d love to hear how the bike ride went!!
Looking forward to hearing more of an update!
Heidi
OMG!!! So funny! I move the snails out of the walkway too! I see them smashed all the time on our sidewalk and it makes me sad. I love that you do the same thing!!! I’m glad someone noticed – I love that he appreciated you for it too! He will now think twice about where he walks because of your kindness!
Yes, feeling A LOT better. Just recently started working out again and my energy is slowly returning. There is A LOT for me to learn about this new body of mine. I have a good year of re-establishing the basics. UGGGGHHH! It’s good for me though. I am beyond grateful I am a Strength Coach and know what to do. I’d be so lost and unaware otherwise. Thank you for asking!
I don’t blame you for feeling uncomfortable. You were very kind to hang out with Roy for a bit of time. I have no doubt he felt your light. What Jesus would do in this day and age might be a bit different than we think. I think it’s powerful and impactful enough just to send them good vibes and prayers without interacting with them!
Canada has a Thanksgiving in October? What is your Thanksgiving about?
Heidi
