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UUUGGGG! I had a long message as part 2 to my previous response and I lost it! I’m soooo bummed!
One thing I would like to suggest as an experiment is to start asking men what they think are the best qualities of women. Since you are much receptive of men and their opinions, maybe they can start to help you see women through their eyes. Just a thought.
I can’t remember where I’ve heard this or even why, but I’ve heard it several times. 4am is the spiritual hour. I used to wake up at 4am every day and there really is something different about it. I wake up at 5am now and it’s definitely different. 4am is tough, but when I would do my spiritual/healing work, I always felt it to be very potent at that time!
It IS tough to view people that activate your irritation, judgment, arrogance etc. as serving you in a way. Well done! You are incredibly strong to really embrace and explore your truth the way you do. I always teach that anything someone triggers in you, starts and ends with you…therefore there is NOTHING that someone can make you feel that isn’t already inside of you…they just happened to be the person to trigger it and shine a light on it so you can be connected to what you are carrying inside of you..both positive and negative. My mom told me this years ago: “You never know what a son of a bitch you are, until someone else is in the room.” So true! By ourselves, we are great, right? When someone else enters into our space, they are then able to reflect back to us different stories, feelings, emotions, insecurities, greatness etc. that lives within us. EVERY experience and exchange with someone else, even if it’s just for 30 seconds, is an opportunity to connect and know ourselves. You are doing an incredible job!
In all honesty, i don’t know what to think about men teaching and learning techniques of how to take advantage of women. Whatever those techniques are – they are only used on women who are desirable in some way. What is desirable is different to each set of eyes. What is THE MOST POWERFUL is a woman who KNOWS and FEELS her value
Oh goodness. He IS getting closer to you isn’t he? Of course, it’s getting more difficult!!!! Let’s talk about that a bit.
Even though he hasn’t really said anything specific, he sure is behaving like a boyfriend. What would you like to say? What exactly do you want to know? What exactly do you want from him?
I know this might be a hard question to answer, but what do you feel is happening inside of YOU that you are starting to feel like you are losing your patience so to speak? I know he is getting closer. You are actually starting to get what you want. I think it’s still a good idea to keeping waiting and let HIM come to you with this conversation and I understand you are wanting more understanding about what he wants. What if it just kept going the way it’s going? How would that make you feel? What if he doesn’t say anything for another 4 or 5 months and you guys just keep having wonderful cuddle/sex and he just doesn’t say anything. How does that make you feel?
Heidi
I get it. One thing to REALLY understand about men is that when their work situation is not in order, they really are TERRIBLE at relationships (generally speaking). If you understand that the core of a man is built around his ability to produce, you will better understand what makes them tick. If a man’s job is threatened, non-existent, challenged or not in order, EVERYTHING in their life will start to go downhill. It is so so important for their well being that their work life is going the way they desire, in order for everything else in their life to run more smoothly. It is a HUGE deal for many men to be able to pay for dates and if they can’t, they feel like a failure. So I imagine that you remind him of what he cannot do right now and I also imagine it makes him feel bad about himself. For us ladies, going to do the simple/free things is totally fine! We don’t care, but they do! For us, the core of our self esteem is built up connection. As long as we have people to connect with and those connections are going well, we are pretty happy. That’s why we are considered the relationship caretakers so to speak (again, generally speaking). While you are happy just connecting with him (that is our nature) he is NOT happy not being able to provide (goes against his nature). Hanging out with his friends is different. He can just buy a drink for himself and call it a day. He doesn’t have to worry about paying for you. Does this make sense?
I think it’s a good idea to ask for help again with something or invite him somewhere next time you see him. Maybe invite him to volunteer somewhere with you or a free movie in the park or a free dance lesson before the dancing at a club begins. You guys need to have some fun again and it needs to be a free event so it doesn’t stress him out. If he not responsive to the idea, he is either SUPER SUPER stressed or his feelings for you have changed.
Thoughts?
Heidi
So, i’ve heard from men, that a man is fully capable of taking advantage of a woman and he’ll see how much he can get with the least amount of effort. However, this is true of most people in most situations, so, i still don’t see how it’s unique to men. I think what makes this particular quality more true for men and probably what was being referred to, is sex. Men are driven by sex more than women (generally speaking) so men will say, do, be whatever they need to be so they can get laid. There is actually a whole movement out there, just for men, teaching men how to get exactly what they want. This book really popularized the movement: https://www.amazon.com/Game-Penetrating-Secret-Society-Artists/dp/0060554738 There are a GAZILLION videos, blogs etc. teaching men specific techniques, basically preying on a woman’s vulnerabilities. It makes me sick to my stomach what they do. It’s so incredibly dishonoring to another human being. Don’t get me wrong….although this is a movement created by men, I don’t hold it against men in general. Women has their own movements and techniques as well. It just makes me very sad that a person would be at such a low level of consciousness and that they perpetuate it. And enough people live at that low level of consciousness that it’s actually a very large movement. It’s a human problem, not a male or female problem.
Thank you for explaining a little further. So let me see if I understand correctly. You guys were dating for a few months (after 2 years of being friends). When you got back from vacation, he kept saying he wanted to take you out, but he wasn’t picking a date and time, so that upset you and you responded by ignoring him. Eventually you apologized, but it hasn’t been the same since. You guys are only seeing other in person and there is no texting or contact otherwise. Is that correct?
Has he talked to you at all about what is stressing him out at work? It sounds like maybe you guys went back into the friend zone. You connect when you see each other, but that’s it. He may be less available because of work and not because you pulled away. It’s not uncommon for men to pull away when their work life is not going smoothly.
Have you texted him? Have you tried to set up a date yourself? You can say something like “Hey…I know you have been stressed at work. You need some fun to balance it out. Let me take you out on Saturday night. There’s a comedy show we can go to. It’ll be good for you to laugh!” Then when you take him out on a date, you can apologize again, but a little better this time. You can say something like, “Listen…I really want to apologize again for being distant. I got really insecure and it was really immature of me to behave like that towards you. I didn’t like that I did that. I know you said it was okay, but I just want you to know that I didn’t like how I handled it.”
How do you feel about this approach?Heidi
I’m still not clear. It sounds like he has expressed that he really misses you, you expressed the same and you kissed him. This is something you can build on, yes? Has he texted you since?
Guys don’t respond very well to passive aggressive behavior. Most guys just bail when their girls behaves in a way to communicate their feelings instead of just being straight up. When you apologized, what did you say? What did he say?
Heidi
Hi Yasmeen,
How frustrating! It’s really difficult to deal with someone’s insecurities and perceptions that are not true for you. It sounds like he is turning this into a really big deal. I just have a few questions.
Are you from different cultures?
How old are the both of you?
How long have you been together?
Has he been cheated on in the past?
What kinds of pictures were you liking?
Is this a typical response he has when he is hurt? Does he tend to shut down and disconnect when there is any kind of argument?
What’s the current status? I know you are broken up, but are you guys talking at all?Heidi
Hi Dara!
Welcome! We would love to hear some details about your situation. What’s happening for you? Why is time of the essence?
The 12 word text is basically just activating his hero instinct. You are asking him to help you with something. The exact words are not important as it’s more about the concept. So you just text something like, “Hey…I need your help with something” and wait for him to respond and then ask him for help with something. It can be asking for help to move something, asking for ideas, asking for advice…you just have to figure out what he is knowledgable about, what he would be good at helping you with or what he is passionate about where he would feel good offering you advice. Give him a “problem” of yours to solve and then you really appreciate him for it. Does this make sense?
The 12 word text is not always appropriate, so if you share your situation, we might have some better solutions for you.
Heidi
Hi! Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have a really great story! He is attentive, caring, connective, honest, communicative and helpful for you. It sounds like you guys have a solid friendship to build off of. You guys are off to a really great start!
I’m not clear what exactly you would like feedback on. Are you having some challenges or concerns you didn’t mention? What would you like advice about?
Heidi
I’m a little confused, so help me understand better. You felt you should have waited and you were worried he would not contact you again. It sounds like everything is all good! You have spoken several times and he wants to take you out again. What are you worried about?
Heidi
But when it’s given to you — there’s an element of delight or something, that you can’t create for yourself. One of my very favorite things about you is how you are able to connect into the depth of what most would consider such “simple” things. You are absolutely spot on with how you are viewing this!!! You have this beautiful site to be able to not just see a beautiful flower, but to see the colors, the designs, the shape…everything about it to know WHY it is beautiful to you. You are seeing FAR beyond the presentation and that is truly where you will find the joy, the magic, God in EVERYTHING.
All this combined together in my mind and made a interesting soup, that i’ve been sipping for a few days. Plus the question you gave me to work on – I thought you’d help me find 5 things, but you don’t want to! lol 🙂 hahaha! I was tempted, but I was stopped. It has to be YOUR perception, not mine if it is going to feel real for you. I love this analogy by the way. It IS a soup isn’t it?? All kinds of different things thrown together, create a certain flavor to sip on and play with. Beautiful!!!!
but i DO know many men who’ve been wounded by women, Me too! A LOT! And vice versa, right? Humanity still has a lot of growing to do and love is one of the messiest places we all show up. Love is one of the most personal emotions one can experience and because of that, it’s able to tap into our best and our worst in a matter of seconds. I think that’s why I have studied it so much. I had a super horrible childhood so when I was old enough to start liking boys, I started seeing how messed up I was. Dating and love and relationship became the platform for me to know myself. I was endlessly curious about myself and others. Dating was the perfect platform for me to see my triggers, to see where I was stuck, to see my stories about myself and others, to see my patterns…and of course the more I knew myself, the easier it was for me to see others.
i totally believe he’s a jerk, but she won’t leave him, so i don’t respond to her complaints. Obviously, she’s not in enough pain to change her life. Why not respond? Why not see if you can help shift her mindset into a higher perspective? I get it… I personally am not interested in listening to someone complain and act like a victim. I usually give it 1 or 2 chances of showing them another way through my questions are comments, but if they are so stuck in their own story, I will stop listening and just send them good vibes. Some things that have worked in the past is when I ask, “Tell me what you DO like about him.” or “Tell me what IS working for you guys.” or “It sounds like you are really struggling with the same issue over and over. What can you do to shift this?” or “I hear you. Do you feel like you can love and accept him just as he is? I imagine he has complaints about you as well. We are all messed up in a lot of ways, but we need to figure out how to accept it if we are going to be in relationship, right?” Stuff like that. Maybe give it shot if you feel like. When I decided I wanted to be a Coach, I just started experimenting in situations like this to see what worked and didn’t work. I would play games and see if I could influence the situation and in what way. It forced me to get REALLY creative. Just a thought.
So, i would NEVER talk to her about a man, not even the other men i worked with, because i don’t want to add more negativity to her already negative lens. Absolutely! You don’t want to encourage the gossip and the low vibe perception. So maybe share things about other men that are positive and start to fill their hearing with the GOOD things men do.
FullStaq – Keala Kenai’s program. They’ve already set me up with a sales funnel and we practice with their product. We are free to promote anything we want. I’ve never heard of this program. I’m so glad you love it and resonate with this! I’ll look it up!
It churns my stomach, when one woman complains about a man, and they all start ‘stoning’ him and all the men in their lives too. So, i never present a man to be ‘stoned’. I get it. I’m curious….does it churn your stomach if a woman is being “stoned?” I grew up with men my whole life and holy smokes…they are gossipy and stone women ALL THE TIME! I find that most men do not truly respect women. Yes, women give them reasons for that perception, but it takes 2 to tango. It’s never JUST the woman or JUST the man. It’s ALWAYS both who create and influence a situation.
You understand the unspoken subtle wavelengths of the people in whose communities you grow up in. I understand. You have a VERY strong intuition and look at how it saved you!!! This is so cool! I find it so fascinating that you are so resistant to touch, yet you became a massage therapist! HAHAHA! If that doesn’t say something about you, I don’t know what does. This just made me smile and it is such a testament to your the beautiful strength you carry inside. I wonder what is going on here for you. Do you have any idea?
after about 5 minutes, the nurse suddenly came over and asked ME if i wanted some food that that a previous patient had ordered. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this story! It’s so beautiful. How about instead of listing 5 negative things about men, how about you list 5 positives about female energy.
Heidi
Man, I feel sad for your friend too. The wedding is over and she is STILL being a “negative nancy” (just a phrase we have here in the U.S. – LOL) She is REALLY missing out on the whole point of the wedding.
This guy is interesting. For being so “casual” you guys are really NOT being casual. I wonder if he feels the same way as you do. You don’t sound very excited about him. Like you said, you feel comfortable, but you are not sure you like him like him. DO you know why? The other guys you knew you liked pretty quickly. Is there something missing with this guy? Maybe you aren’t very attracted to him physically? I’m just curious. Either way, I LOVE how he is treating you and I LOVE how you guys are interacting. It’s really beautiful and a good reminder for you as to how you can be treated. He definitely, so far, is doing the gold standard! Soak it up!
I hope you have fun at your party!!! I bet everyone is looking forward to it. It’s been so long!
Heidi
I LOVE that you get to go home this weekend AND you get your new camera lens. With all the Fall colors, you should have a lot of fun!!!
So once everything is “organized” and running smoothly, you are going to look for a new job? I can’t remember when your contract is complete with this place.
I’m so sorry about the woman who is stabbing you in the back. That’s awful. Most likely she is just jealous, but it doesn’t change that it hurts. Whenever you come across my mind, I will remember to send her some healing prayers. She has to be a pretty miserable person to spend her time trying to hurt. I feel really bad for people like that.
Have you talked to Travis yet about moving in with you?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Of course you are a wreck! I’m so glad you are reaching out to friends and working with your therapist on all the triggers. This is not something to do alone. You are an incredibly strong and wise woman and you WILL heal. It takes doing the deep work and it takes time. You are doing both, so you will end up back on your feet, even stronger.
This is an interesting video about breakups. Not necessarily your situation, but he offers some interesting things about WHY we feel how we do when there is a breakup.
I’m curious. Has he responded to your letter?
Heidi
Hi Miss N,
Gosh, I am soooo sorry for how you are feeling right now. I think the majority of women know EXACTLY how you feel. It’s so awful to open yourself up to a man in that way and then have him disappear right after. You end feeling used and so easily discarded and fooled.
First and foremost, be kind to yourself. There is NO WAY for you to know how a guy is going to respond after having sex with you. Regardless, there is ALWAYS a risk. Dating is a risk. Love is a risk. This whole darn process is a HUGE risk as we all navigate trying to figure out how and if our different worlds will work well together. And it’s VERY important that you forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met. You are human, you took a risk and it didn’t work out the way you wanted so far. Be super gentle, forgiving and kind to yourself. Fill your house with beautiful flowers, go get a mani/pedi, take a bath, go have some fun with friends, watch a funny movie, go get your hair done, make a super delicious meal, go for a walk somewhere beautiful etc. Do things EVERY DAY to fill your beautiful heart back up again. Remind yourself that you are loveable, amazing, worth knowing and worth fighting for, even if this guy doesn’t think so. Get yourself connected back to the truth and take back your power.
I just have a few questions. Tell me more about what happened. Did he leave right away? How do you feel the sex was? Was it fast, long, short? Did you feel that during sex he was connective with you or did you feel he was more connected to himself? Did he say anything afterward? How did YOU feel during sex? What is the current status between you guys? How old are both of you?
Heidi
