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Hi Yasmeen,
How frustrating! It’s really difficult to deal with someone’s insecurities and perceptions that are not true for you. It sounds like he is turning this into a really big deal. I just have a few questions.
Are you from different cultures?
How old are the both of you?
How long have you been together?
Has he been cheated on in the past?
What kinds of pictures were you liking?
Is this a typical response he has when he is hurt? Does he tend to shut down and disconnect when there is any kind of argument?
What’s the current status? I know you are broken up, but are you guys talking at all?Heidi
Hi Dara!
Welcome! We would love to hear some details about your situation. What’s happening for you? Why is time of the essence?
The 12 word text is basically just activating his hero instinct. You are asking him to help you with something. The exact words are not important as it’s more about the concept. So you just text something like, “Hey…I need your help with something” and wait for him to respond and then ask him for help with something. It can be asking for help to move something, asking for ideas, asking for advice…you just have to figure out what he is knowledgable about, what he would be good at helping you with or what he is passionate about where he would feel good offering you advice. Give him a “problem” of yours to solve and then you really appreciate him for it. Does this make sense?
The 12 word text is not always appropriate, so if you share your situation, we might have some better solutions for you.
Heidi
Hi! Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have a really great story! He is attentive, caring, connective, honest, communicative and helpful for you. It sounds like you guys have a solid friendship to build off of. You guys are off to a really great start!
I’m not clear what exactly you would like feedback on. Are you having some challenges or concerns you didn’t mention? What would you like advice about?
Heidi
I’m a little confused, so help me understand better. You felt you should have waited and you were worried he would not contact you again. It sounds like everything is all good! You have spoken several times and he wants to take you out again. What are you worried about?
Heidi
But when it’s given to you — there’s an element of delight or something, that you can’t create for yourself. One of my very favorite things about you is how you are able to connect into the depth of what most would consider such “simple” things. You are absolutely spot on with how you are viewing this!!! You have this beautiful site to be able to not just see a beautiful flower, but to see the colors, the designs, the shape…everything about it to know WHY it is beautiful to you. You are seeing FAR beyond the presentation and that is truly where you will find the joy, the magic, God in EVERYTHING.
All this combined together in my mind and made a interesting soup, that i’ve been sipping for a few days. Plus the question you gave me to work on – I thought you’d help me find 5 things, but you don’t want to! lol 🙂 hahaha! I was tempted, but I was stopped. It has to be YOUR perception, not mine if it is going to feel real for you. I love this analogy by the way. It IS a soup isn’t it?? All kinds of different things thrown together, create a certain flavor to sip on and play with. Beautiful!!!!
but i DO know many men who’ve been wounded by women, Me too! A LOT! And vice versa, right? Humanity still has a lot of growing to do and love is one of the messiest places we all show up. Love is one of the most personal emotions one can experience and because of that, it’s able to tap into our best and our worst in a matter of seconds. I think that’s why I have studied it so much. I had a super horrible childhood so when I was old enough to start liking boys, I started seeing how messed up I was. Dating and love and relationship became the platform for me to know myself. I was endlessly curious about myself and others. Dating was the perfect platform for me to see my triggers, to see where I was stuck, to see my stories about myself and others, to see my patterns…and of course the more I knew myself, the easier it was for me to see others.
i totally believe he’s a jerk, but she won’t leave him, so i don’t respond to her complaints. Obviously, she’s not in enough pain to change her life. Why not respond? Why not see if you can help shift her mindset into a higher perspective? I get it… I personally am not interested in listening to someone complain and act like a victim. I usually give it 1 or 2 chances of showing them another way through my questions are comments, but if they are so stuck in their own story, I will stop listening and just send them good vibes. Some things that have worked in the past is when I ask, “Tell me what you DO like about him.” or “Tell me what IS working for you guys.” or “It sounds like you are really struggling with the same issue over and over. What can you do to shift this?” or “I hear you. Do you feel like you can love and accept him just as he is? I imagine he has complaints about you as well. We are all messed up in a lot of ways, but we need to figure out how to accept it if we are going to be in relationship, right?” Stuff like that. Maybe give it shot if you feel like. When I decided I wanted to be a Coach, I just started experimenting in situations like this to see what worked and didn’t work. I would play games and see if I could influence the situation and in what way. It forced me to get REALLY creative. Just a thought.
So, i would NEVER talk to her about a man, not even the other men i worked with, because i don’t want to add more negativity to her already negative lens. Absolutely! You don’t want to encourage the gossip and the low vibe perception. So maybe share things about other men that are positive and start to fill their hearing with the GOOD things men do.
FullStaq – Keala Kenai’s program. They’ve already set me up with a sales funnel and we practice with their product. We are free to promote anything we want. I’ve never heard of this program. I’m so glad you love it and resonate with this! I’ll look it up!
It churns my stomach, when one woman complains about a man, and they all start ‘stoning’ him and all the men in their lives too. So, i never present a man to be ‘stoned’. I get it. I’m curious….does it churn your stomach if a woman is being “stoned?” I grew up with men my whole life and holy smokes…they are gossipy and stone women ALL THE TIME! I find that most men do not truly respect women. Yes, women give them reasons for that perception, but it takes 2 to tango. It’s never JUST the woman or JUST the man. It’s ALWAYS both who create and influence a situation.
You understand the unspoken subtle wavelengths of the people in whose communities you grow up in. I understand. You have a VERY strong intuition and look at how it saved you!!! This is so cool! I find it so fascinating that you are so resistant to touch, yet you became a massage therapist! HAHAHA! If that doesn’t say something about you, I don’t know what does. This just made me smile and it is such a testament to your the beautiful strength you carry inside. I wonder what is going on here for you. Do you have any idea?
after about 5 minutes, the nurse suddenly came over and asked ME if i wanted some food that that a previous patient had ordered. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this story! It’s so beautiful. How about instead of listing 5 negative things about men, how about you list 5 positives about female energy.
Heidi
Man, I feel sad for your friend too. The wedding is over and she is STILL being a “negative nancy” (just a phrase we have here in the U.S. – LOL) She is REALLY missing out on the whole point of the wedding.
This guy is interesting. For being so “casual” you guys are really NOT being casual. I wonder if he feels the same way as you do. You don’t sound very excited about him. Like you said, you feel comfortable, but you are not sure you like him like him. DO you know why? The other guys you knew you liked pretty quickly. Is there something missing with this guy? Maybe you aren’t very attracted to him physically? I’m just curious. Either way, I LOVE how he is treating you and I LOVE how you guys are interacting. It’s really beautiful and a good reminder for you as to how you can be treated. He definitely, so far, is doing the gold standard! Soak it up!
I hope you have fun at your party!!! I bet everyone is looking forward to it. It’s been so long!
Heidi
I LOVE that you get to go home this weekend AND you get your new camera lens. With all the Fall colors, you should have a lot of fun!!!
So once everything is “organized” and running smoothly, you are going to look for a new job? I can’t remember when your contract is complete with this place.
I’m so sorry about the woman who is stabbing you in the back. That’s awful. Most likely she is just jealous, but it doesn’t change that it hurts. Whenever you come across my mind, I will remember to send her some healing prayers. She has to be a pretty miserable person to spend her time trying to hurt. I feel really bad for people like that.
Have you talked to Travis yet about moving in with you?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Of course you are a wreck! I’m so glad you are reaching out to friends and working with your therapist on all the triggers. This is not something to do alone. You are an incredibly strong and wise woman and you WILL heal. It takes doing the deep work and it takes time. You are doing both, so you will end up back on your feet, even stronger.
This is an interesting video about breakups. Not necessarily your situation, but he offers some interesting things about WHY we feel how we do when there is a breakup.
I’m curious. Has he responded to your letter?
Heidi
Hi Miss N,
Gosh, I am soooo sorry for how you are feeling right now. I think the majority of women know EXACTLY how you feel. It’s so awful to open yourself up to a man in that way and then have him disappear right after. You end feeling used and so easily discarded and fooled.
First and foremost, be kind to yourself. There is NO WAY for you to know how a guy is going to respond after having sex with you. Regardless, there is ALWAYS a risk. Dating is a risk. Love is a risk. This whole darn process is a HUGE risk as we all navigate trying to figure out how and if our different worlds will work well together. And it’s VERY important that you forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met. You are human, you took a risk and it didn’t work out the way you wanted so far. Be super gentle, forgiving and kind to yourself. Fill your house with beautiful flowers, go get a mani/pedi, take a bath, go have some fun with friends, watch a funny movie, go get your hair done, make a super delicious meal, go for a walk somewhere beautiful etc. Do things EVERY DAY to fill your beautiful heart back up again. Remind yourself that you are loveable, amazing, worth knowing and worth fighting for, even if this guy doesn’t think so. Get yourself connected back to the truth and take back your power.
I just have a few questions. Tell me more about what happened. Did he leave right away? How do you feel the sex was? Was it fast, long, short? Did you feel that during sex he was connective with you or did you feel he was more connected to himself? Did he say anything afterward? How did YOU feel during sex? What is the current status between you guys? How old are both of you?
Heidi
Wow! Who would have thought that him seeing you dance and kiss another guy would be the trigger for him to fight for you a little more. At least that is what it seems like! This is so great! Sometimes it takes the threat of loss for someone to snap out of their fear. I’m glad you haven’t talked to him about it though. He needs to FEEL this for a bit and find out it’s okay. You are VERY wise to just give him space and not try to push this. I have said this to you before…you are INCREDIBLY grounded in this whole situation! Most women would have been pushing and pushing and pushing because they want to feel chosen, they want to feel connected, they want to feel secure etc. You have done such an incredible job just staying grounded and centered in yourself and allowing him a TON of space so he can just be himself in all of his fear. We try to get women to do this, but most of them just lose it. You are a prime example of how just being patient, available for connection, interested in friendship and still living your life can really start to create a healthy connection and allow the man to come to his OWN conclusions without the woman pushing her agenda on him. It really has been such a beautiful process that has been unfolding slowly over time. No doubt because of you
I know nothing is for certain and I know things are still up in the air, but it sounds like he went a layer deeper with you, so regardless, things are heading in such a beautiful direction at just the right time. I am so freakin happy for you! He would be INSANE not to do everything he can to hold onto you. The way you guys flow together is prime real estate. You can’t get much better than a gorgeous house right on a lake 🙂
Heidi
they tend to USE women and try to control them. (which is in retaliation for women who try to control men — but that’s no excuse). Isn’t it interesting that you had trouble thinking of 5 things that were limiting patterns of men? Everything you did mention is absolutely true, in general. I wouldn’t necessarily agree with this particular comment in the sense that men are controlling BECAUSE women are trying to control men. You are putting the blame on women again and for how men behave. Truth is…EVERYONE is controlling. It’s our human nature to want to control. The past century has been totally controlled by men because it is their nature, not because of women. The more someone tries to control, the more fear they have. So the men in power that are just trying to seek more and more control, are just big, walking, balls of fear and that fear is running their lives. It’s sad really and there are great consequences to their choices.
So, essentially, my kids have been raised by a 12 yr old. We ALL have young parts of ourselves that will always be with us….hopefully. We want that young part to stay playful, silly, adventurous etc. I would say that you ALSO had a pretty strong adult that figured out how to take care of your childrens’ basic needs.
On the flip side – i don’t see my children as lacking in emotional intelligence — and i am not either, so i’m not sure why they seem like children to me and not adults. Child energy is impulsive. I have come across the most professional, adult kind of person you can think of and when it came to being in relationship, he was incredibly childlike and impulsive. His adult side was incredibly high functioning at work and then his child would come out with me. It was fascinating! Child energy that is impulsive, emotional, victim etc. is just stuck energy that hasn’t shifted from “child” to “adult.” Maybe that is some of what you are sensing about them. Life also requires someone to grow up. So maybe because they are still under your care and not out on their own, making their own lives, they feel like children, because they still are. Once they start to establish themselves as an adult by living like and adult, they will grow up more.
What would i have to do to take care of each tree so it bears fruit? I LOVE LOVE LOVE this! I ask myself a lot, “what do I need to do or be today to attract $$$$$ into my life easily and effortlessly right now.” I do get specific with the amount of money as well. So what can you do or be today to bear fruit on your money tree? I personally believe there is an energetic exchange with money. Meaning, as I am provided for, I also need to provide. As I am given to, I also need to give. So I think about “what can I do or give today that will contribute to this world being a better place?” So I might go collect a few grocery carts in the parking lot and put them back with my cart. I might pick up extra dog poop at the park. I might pick up a bunch of trash. I might be extra talkative and friendly with the grocery clerk. I might reduce my fee to help someone with a healing session. I might give my dog some extra love with a long massage. These are all small, little things that are about me “giving” to this world. I am “adding to” this world with a mindset of gratitude. This is my way of being grateful for being provided for as well and that’s the cycle of energy with “money.” It doesn’t have to be money though. I guess I more look at it as being provided for. So I might be extra strapped financially, but then someone buys me lunch. To me, that’s money just in a different form. I am being provided for. So as I am provided for, I also give back in my small ways. Not sure if this concept is helpful for you.
I’m curious. What affiliate marketing business are you starting? Meaning, what niche? Are you going to help connect people or something? I’d love to hear more about your idea! Who are you learning from? I’ve been involved in all kinds of marketing/business development stuff. I too find people that resonate with me and are great teachers. There aren’t many I respond to, so when I do come across someone, it’s pretty great!
Heidi
Hi Yi,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your questions and story with us. STDs are a really difficult topic and something most people don’t want to talk about or admit to, hence sooooooo many people having them and spreading them. It sounds like you are handling this incredibly well. I know you feel bad about “possibly” passing this onto him, but there is nothing you could have done about it. Like he said, it’s not your fault and it sounds like it’s easily fixable with some antibiotics. This is just life and the risk we take when having sex with someone new.
I suggest just giving him a few days to process this. Do you know if he has ever been cheated on before? Something like this may be triggering him. You reached and suggested to talk, now it’s his turn to initiate. I know this is really hard. The truth is though, if he runs away from something like this, he is not the guy for you. It will just tell you he really is not ready for a relationship and able to offer you what you truly need…which is a guy who can handle something like this. This is a pretty innocent situation, so if he can’t handle this and decides to disconnect, he doesn’t have much capacity for anything outside of dealing with work, family and himself…which is a lot in and of itself. So just give him some time to digest this. He may be pulling away, but that’s not an unusual thing for men to do when they need to process something. You don’t know him very well, so hopefully you will learn that he just needed a bit of time and then he will come back out of his cave and reconnect.
Does this feel okay for you?
Heidi
So interesting!!! I imagine he didn’t like you with that other guy because he is used to having you all to himself. When you are with him, you are always WITH him. Your attention and energy is always really connected to him and that night it wasn’t. He got to feel what it was like for you to disconnect from him and he discovered he didn’t like it. This is soooooo good for him!!! I suppose that is a form of jealousy. Either way, I’d say it was a healthy thing. I’m glad you didn’t apologize.
Oh I’m glad you are learning about yourself! That is always my deepest hope. So bear with me as I pull apart your list. This is usually the point people get frustrated, but it’s important!
1. He should have a positive mindset and care about himself and also about others. What does a positive mindset look like to you? What does it mean to “care” about himself and others. What does that actually look like?
2. He enjoys his life apart from me and stays active. (I don’t quite know how to phrase this in english, I mean that he is actually doing stuff, like enjoying a nice day outside or going out with his friends or something like that, rather than staying home and complaining that he doesn’t know what to do or telling me that he just misses me) So you would make a statement something like this: He has an active and social life separate from me. 3. He is independent and has a life aside of me. ( I agree, it’s similar to 2) same thing.
4. He should have other interests than just partying and going out. What other kinds of interests? Hmm this is a difficult question. I think there is so much more to life than partying and spending all your money in a club. You can do so much more meaningful stuff with your money and your time, like travelling, going on a trip, spending it on a hobby, rather than wasting it on a night of drinking and then not remembering most of it anyways plus not being able to do anything the next day because he’s hungover.
What about something like this: He has a high level of curiosity in his life. He reads a lot of books, has different kinds of interests and is always interested in doing a variety of activities to stay engaged in his life.
5. I think it doesn’t matter too much for me, whether he works out once a week or 5 times a week. He should care enough about his body and health that he feels comfortable. With eating again, I think it’s not necessary that he only eats veggies or never eats a pizza again. But he should be informed what’s good for his body and at least try to include this in his meal plan.
There are a lot of things a person can do to take care of themselves. I think it’s in general important, that he is informed, what’s good for him and also acts on it. Mental health and physical health should be important to him. Now that I think of it, this actually goes together with #1. He is connected to his body. He is aware of what works and doesn’t work for him, he is always wanting to learn how to better care for himself and he acts on that.
6. I never actually thought about that. It’s very hard to see someone not trusting themselves, because I always just worry about not being able to trust other people. With myself (or others trusting themselves), I kind of thought it’s obvious that I should trust my self, because why wouldn’t I? But I do realize that I don’t always trust myself either. Putting your trust in others is giving your power away, right? People will ALWAYS break that trust just because they are human, but if you put your trust in yourself, you have 100% control of that, you know you will be able to get through anything and you are solid on the inside, regardless of what is happening on the outside. This is something Tim needs to REALLY connect to. He is not trusting that he can handle losing you, therefore he likes to keep you as a “friend” instead of allowing himself to fall in love with the best thing that ever happened to him.
7. I think it’s important that someone has a goal, that makes them happy in life. Because I wouldn’t want to be with someone, who is stuck in a dead end job, that doesn’t make them happy and they complain about it all the time. For me it’s not okay for someone to have a job where they are unhappy or unfulfilled. I don’t think that I really wouldn’t care, if his only goal was to work at mcdonald’s and nothing else. But this also goes together with other plans for the future. For example I want kids (this would be another point on the list), and to have kids and maybe a house, you can’t have a job that only pays minimum wage. Got it. So let’s get more specific here. You DO have a need for a certain amount of financial success from him. What is it? Also, if the most amazing perfect guy showed up and didn’t want kids, is that REALLY a dealbreaker for you? Is it ESSENTIAL for you to have children? You are willing to walk away from Tim, for example, if he didn’t want children? What if you end up with a guy who can’t have children?Heidi
How was your camping trip? Any good pictures or animal sitings?
I love how connected you are to everyone there. You have done such a great job really bringing some light into a much needed company. I have no doubt they will greatly miss you when you leave. What is the update on that btw? How is Travis doing?
It’s really hard to transfer your success in your work life to a personal life when you don’t have much of a personal life. LOL. You are living in a place that you don’t love, you are working a crazy amount of hours, you have your kids you are worrying about and you are fundamentally not even happy with where you work. I would say it’s pretty tough to have an abundant love life with all you have going on!
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Spyce is female 🙂
One of the ways I like to communicate my needs is by using this format: “When you do this……this is how it makes me feel……” It’s a really good way to help men associate their SPECIFIC behaviors to a reaction you are having. With men, it’s really important to get specific. Use specific examples and when teaching them what you DO need, be specific as well. So saying something like “I want to feel more connected with you through this process” is not NOT going to work. You want to say something like “Getting quick updates about what the doctors told you, will help me feel much more connected to this process.” “When I don’t hear from you for a handful of days, I end up feeling a bit lost and I feel powerless. I understand these are my own reactions AND I am still here in a relationship with you and it’s really helpful for me to understand what’s happening for you.” How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
