Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Wow! Who would have thought that him seeing you dance and kiss another guy would be the trigger for him to fight for you a little more. At least that is what it seems like! This is so great! Sometimes it takes the threat of loss for someone to snap out of their fear. I’m glad you haven’t talked to him about it though. He needs to FEEL this for a bit and find out it’s okay. You are VERY wise to just give him space and not try to push this. I have said this to you before…you are INCREDIBLY grounded in this whole situation! Most women would have been pushing and pushing and pushing because they want to feel chosen, they want to feel connected, they want to feel secure etc. You have done such an incredible job just staying grounded and centered in yourself and allowing him a TON of space so he can just be himself in all of his fear. We try to get women to do this, but most of them just lose it. You are a prime example of how just being patient, available for connection, interested in friendship and still living your life can really start to create a healthy connection and allow the man to come to his OWN conclusions without the woman pushing her agenda on him. It really has been such a beautiful process that has been unfolding slowly over time. No doubt because of you
I know nothing is for certain and I know things are still up in the air, but it sounds like he went a layer deeper with you, so regardless, things are heading in such a beautiful direction at just the right time. I am so freakin happy for you! He would be INSANE not to do everything he can to hold onto you. The way you guys flow together is prime real estate. You can’t get much better than a gorgeous house right on a lake 🙂
Heidi
they tend to USE women and try to control them. (which is in retaliation for women who try to control men — but that’s no excuse). Isn’t it interesting that you had trouble thinking of 5 things that were limiting patterns of men? Everything you did mention is absolutely true, in general. I wouldn’t necessarily agree with this particular comment in the sense that men are controlling BECAUSE women are trying to control men. You are putting the blame on women again and for how men behave. Truth is…EVERYONE is controlling. It’s our human nature to want to control. The past century has been totally controlled by men because it is their nature, not because of women. The more someone tries to control, the more fear they have. So the men in power that are just trying to seek more and more control, are just big, walking, balls of fear and that fear is running their lives. It’s sad really and there are great consequences to their choices.
So, essentially, my kids have been raised by a 12 yr old. We ALL have young parts of ourselves that will always be with us….hopefully. We want that young part to stay playful, silly, adventurous etc. I would say that you ALSO had a pretty strong adult that figured out how to take care of your childrens’ basic needs.
On the flip side – i don’t see my children as lacking in emotional intelligence — and i am not either, so i’m not sure why they seem like children to me and not adults. Child energy is impulsive. I have come across the most professional, adult kind of person you can think of and when it came to being in relationship, he was incredibly childlike and impulsive. His adult side was incredibly high functioning at work and then his child would come out with me. It was fascinating! Child energy that is impulsive, emotional, victim etc. is just stuck energy that hasn’t shifted from “child” to “adult.” Maybe that is some of what you are sensing about them. Life also requires someone to grow up. So maybe because they are still under your care and not out on their own, making their own lives, they feel like children, because they still are. Once they start to establish themselves as an adult by living like and adult, they will grow up more.
What would i have to do to take care of each tree so it bears fruit? I LOVE LOVE LOVE this! I ask myself a lot, “what do I need to do or be today to attract $$$$$ into my life easily and effortlessly right now.” I do get specific with the amount of money as well. So what can you do or be today to bear fruit on your money tree? I personally believe there is an energetic exchange with money. Meaning, as I am provided for, I also need to provide. As I am given to, I also need to give. So I think about “what can I do or give today that will contribute to this world being a better place?” So I might go collect a few grocery carts in the parking lot and put them back with my cart. I might pick up extra dog poop at the park. I might pick up a bunch of trash. I might be extra talkative and friendly with the grocery clerk. I might reduce my fee to help someone with a healing session. I might give my dog some extra love with a long massage. These are all small, little things that are about me “giving” to this world. I am “adding to” this world with a mindset of gratitude. This is my way of being grateful for being provided for as well and that’s the cycle of energy with “money.” It doesn’t have to be money though. I guess I more look at it as being provided for. So I might be extra strapped financially, but then someone buys me lunch. To me, that’s money just in a different form. I am being provided for. So as I am provided for, I also give back in my small ways. Not sure if this concept is helpful for you.
I’m curious. What affiliate marketing business are you starting? Meaning, what niche? Are you going to help connect people or something? I’d love to hear more about your idea! Who are you learning from? I’ve been involved in all kinds of marketing/business development stuff. I too find people that resonate with me and are great teachers. There aren’t many I respond to, so when I do come across someone, it’s pretty great!
Heidi
Hi Yi,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your questions and story with us. STDs are a really difficult topic and something most people don’t want to talk about or admit to, hence sooooooo many people having them and spreading them. It sounds like you are handling this incredibly well. I know you feel bad about “possibly” passing this onto him, but there is nothing you could have done about it. Like he said, it’s not your fault and it sounds like it’s easily fixable with some antibiotics. This is just life and the risk we take when having sex with someone new.
I suggest just giving him a few days to process this. Do you know if he has ever been cheated on before? Something like this may be triggering him. You reached and suggested to talk, now it’s his turn to initiate. I know this is really hard. The truth is though, if he runs away from something like this, he is not the guy for you. It will just tell you he really is not ready for a relationship and able to offer you what you truly need…which is a guy who can handle something like this. This is a pretty innocent situation, so if he can’t handle this and decides to disconnect, he doesn’t have much capacity for anything outside of dealing with work, family and himself…which is a lot in and of itself. So just give him some time to digest this. He may be pulling away, but that’s not an unusual thing for men to do when they need to process something. You don’t know him very well, so hopefully you will learn that he just needed a bit of time and then he will come back out of his cave and reconnect.
Does this feel okay for you?
Heidi
So interesting!!! I imagine he didn’t like you with that other guy because he is used to having you all to himself. When you are with him, you are always WITH him. Your attention and energy is always really connected to him and that night it wasn’t. He got to feel what it was like for you to disconnect from him and he discovered he didn’t like it. This is soooooo good for him!!! I suppose that is a form of jealousy. Either way, I’d say it was a healthy thing. I’m glad you didn’t apologize.
Oh I’m glad you are learning about yourself! That is always my deepest hope. So bear with me as I pull apart your list. This is usually the point people get frustrated, but it’s important!
1. He should have a positive mindset and care about himself and also about others. What does a positive mindset look like to you? What does it mean to “care” about himself and others. What does that actually look like?
2. He enjoys his life apart from me and stays active. (I don’t quite know how to phrase this in english, I mean that he is actually doing stuff, like enjoying a nice day outside or going out with his friends or something like that, rather than staying home and complaining that he doesn’t know what to do or telling me that he just misses me) So you would make a statement something like this: He has an active and social life separate from me. 3. He is independent and has a life aside of me. ( I agree, it’s similar to 2) same thing.
4. He should have other interests than just partying and going out. What other kinds of interests? Hmm this is a difficult question. I think there is so much more to life than partying and spending all your money in a club. You can do so much more meaningful stuff with your money and your time, like travelling, going on a trip, spending it on a hobby, rather than wasting it on a night of drinking and then not remembering most of it anyways plus not being able to do anything the next day because he’s hungover.
What about something like this: He has a high level of curiosity in his life. He reads a lot of books, has different kinds of interests and is always interested in doing a variety of activities to stay engaged in his life.
5. I think it doesn’t matter too much for me, whether he works out once a week or 5 times a week. He should care enough about his body and health that he feels comfortable. With eating again, I think it’s not necessary that he only eats veggies or never eats a pizza again. But he should be informed what’s good for his body and at least try to include this in his meal plan.
There are a lot of things a person can do to take care of themselves. I think it’s in general important, that he is informed, what’s good for him and also acts on it. Mental health and physical health should be important to him. Now that I think of it, this actually goes together with #1. He is connected to his body. He is aware of what works and doesn’t work for him, he is always wanting to learn how to better care for himself and he acts on that.
6. I never actually thought about that. It’s very hard to see someone not trusting themselves, because I always just worry about not being able to trust other people. With myself (or others trusting themselves), I kind of thought it’s obvious that I should trust my self, because why wouldn’t I? But I do realize that I don’t always trust myself either. Putting your trust in others is giving your power away, right? People will ALWAYS break that trust just because they are human, but if you put your trust in yourself, you have 100% control of that, you know you will be able to get through anything and you are solid on the inside, regardless of what is happening on the outside. This is something Tim needs to REALLY connect to. He is not trusting that he can handle losing you, therefore he likes to keep you as a “friend” instead of allowing himself to fall in love with the best thing that ever happened to him.
7. I think it’s important that someone has a goal, that makes them happy in life. Because I wouldn’t want to be with someone, who is stuck in a dead end job, that doesn’t make them happy and they complain about it all the time. For me it’s not okay for someone to have a job where they are unhappy or unfulfilled. I don’t think that I really wouldn’t care, if his only goal was to work at mcdonald’s and nothing else. But this also goes together with other plans for the future. For example I want kids (this would be another point on the list), and to have kids and maybe a house, you can’t have a job that only pays minimum wage. Got it. So let’s get more specific here. You DO have a need for a certain amount of financial success from him. What is it? Also, if the most amazing perfect guy showed up and didn’t want kids, is that REALLY a dealbreaker for you? Is it ESSENTIAL for you to have children? You are willing to walk away from Tim, for example, if he didn’t want children? What if you end up with a guy who can’t have children?Heidi
How was your camping trip? Any good pictures or animal sitings?
I love how connected you are to everyone there. You have done such a great job really bringing some light into a much needed company. I have no doubt they will greatly miss you when you leave. What is the update on that btw? How is Travis doing?
It’s really hard to transfer your success in your work life to a personal life when you don’t have much of a personal life. LOL. You are living in a place that you don’t love, you are working a crazy amount of hours, you have your kids you are worrying about and you are fundamentally not even happy with where you work. I would say it’s pretty tough to have an abundant love life with all you have going on!
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
Spyce is female 🙂
One of the ways I like to communicate my needs is by using this format: “When you do this……this is how it makes me feel……” It’s a really good way to help men associate their SPECIFIC behaviors to a reaction you are having. With men, it’s really important to get specific. Use specific examples and when teaching them what you DO need, be specific as well. So saying something like “I want to feel more connected with you through this process” is not NOT going to work. You want to say something like “Getting quick updates about what the doctors told you, will help me feel much more connected to this process.” “When I don’t hear from you for a handful of days, I end up feeling a bit lost and I feel powerless. I understand these are my own reactions AND I am still here in a relationship with you and it’s really helpful for me to understand what’s happening for you.” How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Helena,
Welcome! I’m sorry to hear you guys have broken up. I know how hard it is to have to watch someone you deeply care about, slip from your fingers and have no control over it. I imagine it’s also frustrating for you being that he is freaking out about something that isn’t necessary right now.
First, it’s important to understand how men operate differently than women (generally speaking – of course). Men are VERY defined by their ability to produce in this world. It is what sourced the core of their self-esteem. For women, we are defined by our connections/relationships. We are the relationship caretakers of the world. For men, their ability to produce and provide is crucial and defining of their “manhood.” So when a guy doesn’t feel secure in his job/career or feel happy with how he “produces” in his life, he usually is TERRIBLE at relationship. I’ve been through it a ton of times and watched it happen to other women sooo many times. If a guy’s work/job is not in order to the level that he can relax and enjoy his life, he just isn’t very available for a relationship. They shut down, they sabotage, they stop communicating, they get super grumpy etc. So your guy is really struggling and you happen to be a good target.
He is also heading into the age of looking at being a provider for a wife and family. He is obviously thinking about that considering what he said to you, so his job and being a provider for a wife and family are very present for him and creating a ton of stress. Does all of this make sense?
Are you guys still talking at all? How long have you been broken up? How deep would you say your relationship was? Did you like your relationship? Do you feel that he was happy with you for the most part, or did you guys argue a lot?
The 12 word text is just more about asking him for his help. It’s about activating his hero instinct. I suggest waiting a bit before using that technique. Help me understand your current situation a little more and then we can go from there.
Heidi
So good to hear from you and get an update. Interesting stuff!!!
You might want to consider purchasing a laser. They are definitely on the expensive side, but it’s one of those healing tools that you will be able to use for the rest of your life. You can go as simple as a class 2 pulsing laser (joovv.com) or something more like a class 3 that is stronger. I’m not sure what companies you have over there that sell personal lasers. Either way, they are spectacular for helping to heal muscle pulls, tendons, arthritis, nerve pain, inflammation, skin lacerations etc. Lasers are amazing and will for sure help your tendonitis heal a lot faster.
I love that you have been dating and that you are learning how to express more of your needs and just going with it and not questioning yourself. Well done! You are being more of your authentic self!
I bet your pup is VERY happy that you are still home a lot! How often do you have to go into work? I’m so glad the borders are open now so you can visit your family. It’s soooo so important these days to stay connected the best we can.
I am sooooo laughing about your current dating adventure! First, I’m curious why your friend was so stressed about her wedding. I always feel so sad for those people that stress so much. It’s supposed to represent a day of joy and pleasure and fun and celebration. I think people can get so caught up in all the details that they lose touch with why they are there in the first place. Do you think she had fun at all?
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are feeling like a princess with him!!! YES! You ARE a queen and deserve to be treated as such. It sounds like you are really having some fun with him. Do you like him, like him or is he just fun for you right now? I’m not sure if you know him well enough to know if you actually like him for real. Is there any other reason your friend would want him to stay away from you? I would say that you would be some amazing “medicine” as a cure for burnout. Whenever there is burnout, having fun is the best thing you can do!
Heidi
Hi Crystal,
Welcome! Wow! You have a really tough situation. It’s awful to discover your partner is cheating and it’s really really difficult to try and save a relationship when your person doesn’t really want to get help.
I just have a few questions. What do you mean he was “locked down” for 16 years? So you feel he is commitment phobic because he is afraid of getting hurt again? What do you mean the lack of passion came from being locked at home with each other for a year? Passion can be explored and cultivated whether locked at home or not, so my guess is, the lack of passion comes from another reason. Thoughts on this?
He may love you deeply, but that’s just not enough to keep any relationship together and working in a healthy way. It’s not your job to help him feel safe. You ARE going to hurt him. It’s important for you to understand that his feeling “safe” comes from within HIM and it is not something you do for another person. Reality is, love is a risk and life is unpredictable. There is no way around that. So it’s HIS job to learn how to feel safe in life, in relationship, in love etc. When there is an internal safety, it allows someone to risk. When there is NOT an internal safety, that person is extremely fragile and will always do things to sabotage connection. I don’t know a person alive who hasn’t been hurt by love, so it’s just part of the experience. If he isn’t strong enough emotionally to work through that and risk again, then his patterns of cheating will not change, no matter what you say to him. Those other girls are his “safety net” in some way. He doesn’t intrinsically believe he is valuable and again…that intrinsic self-esteem can only come from him, not you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Andrea! Welcome. Thank you for sharing your challenges with us. I understand how you want to fix everything and how your realizations about being a better partner for him may really help shift the situation. Let’s take a deeper look into things and then go from there. It sounds like you both have been going through a lot and neither of you really have the skillset to handle everything in a healthy enough way to keep the relationship rolling.
he got upset, saying that I shouldn’t have to ask, that he shouldn’t have to list out things for me. I should just know. He feels it’s a part of my personality, that I can’t inherently make him happy without changing myself. This is a HUGE HUGE HUGE red flag. You are NOT a mind reader, so for him to expect you to know is just fantasy. OF COURSE you are supposed to ask!!! That’s a spectacular question to ask him. He is supposed to teach you how to be the best kind of support for him, if what you are doing isn’t working. We are all teachers to each other NOT mind readers!! He is expecting something impossible.
But I don’t know what to say or do to convince him. I fear that he’s already made his decision and won’t even listen to me if I tried. How do I start that conversation? What do I say to get him to try and want to work on things? First, you don’t want to CONVINCE anyone. If he doesn’t want to grow, then he gets to make that choice. To spend your energy “convincing” him to work on things is like trying to convince him that you are worth fighting for. Really? You want to convince a guy that you are worth fighting for? That’s your low self-esteem in the driver’s seat and that’s when a guy doesn’t have respect for his woman. You want to get grounded in your power, your center, your self-worth and work from that space…NO CONVINCING! That is a desperate kind of energy that pushes a man way. He has made his decision FOR NOW, so keep giving him space. He sounds REALLY overwhelmed and it sounds like his feelings are shut off, so space is the very best thing for him right now. Give it some time. Right now, it’s REALLY important for you to continue working on yourself. You are working really hard by making some different decisions to take better care of yourself and that needs to continue. Are you working with a therapist at all about your depression? Do you know where it’s coming from and what’s triggering it? Remember, just like the airlines say…put your mask on first BEFORE putting it on someone else that needs help. You CANNOT try and save a relationship when you still need to keep saving yourself FIRST. There is no way he is going to step back into the same design, so for right now, keep working on yourself and facing your depression, keep giving him some space and really look at how you can become a better partner down the road. It’s not enough to see where you can improve, but go deeper and look at “why” you showed up the way you did. How come you weren’t as supportive of him? How come you weren’t appreciating him to the level he needed? This will help you understand your patterns and why you are the kind of partner you are with him. When you understand these things, it will be easier to shift them in the future.
Are you okay giving him a few weeks of no contact?
Heidi
Hi Nandita,
Thank you for sharing more details. It’s helpful.
I first want to really slow you down. You guys have never even met each other and you are mentioning marriage to him. This is one of the fastest ways to scare a guy away. He obviously is not ready and is not inspired right now. His mom pestering him about it is also a problem. It’s going to cause him to shut down and reject the idea. Her putting pressure on him like that about one of the most important decisions he makes of his life, is not the smartest thing. Also, you are using the “nag” to describe what you are doing about him not being available to talk as often or easily as you want. How are you “nagging?” What are you saying? How are you saying it?
Honestly, it doesn’t sound like he is that interested…at least not anymore. Long distance relationships are insanely difficult as is, but to try and start to build a relationship from scratch, without ever meeting…that just exponentially increases the difficulty.
He is just not that available. Do you REALLY want to spend your time chasing after a guy just to talk to you? He isn’t very available, either because of how he designs his life, he isn’t emotionally available or he just isn’t interested. Any of those reasons is enough for you to walk away. If you were not putting any effort into the relationship, you would probably discover that you guys would talk even less and who knows if and when you would ever meet him in person. That’s important for you to really understand. You CANNOT be the only source to keep this relationship going and expect it to last. He needs to put in effort as well.
Don’t you want a guy who chases you and fights for you? Don’t you want a guy who is available to connect with you EVERY DAY? Don’t you want a guy who is excited to see you and you KNOW that you light up his world? That is what is available for you and what you need to be fighting for instead of fighting for a guy who has had 1 foot out the door since the very beginning. You have needs and it just seems they are not being met. Again, it just appears like you are catering to HIM all of the time. The moment you head into “nagging” energy, just to get him to talk to you…that has to feel awful for you. Do you really want to fight for a guy that you have to nag in order to get him to be available for a conversation???
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
This is such a tricky situation. I want to encourage you tor really consider what Spyce said and what most counselors will say. YOU need to exist in this situation as well. If all you are doing is thinking about him, his needs, his wants and mostly playing a guessing game because he is CHOOSING to shut down and push you away and not communicate, then you are being pulled into his depression. It’s so important that you maintain yourself and stay connected to yourself through this situation. That means communicating what you need and want as well. It’s tough when you are fighting against a wall that he put up, but remember if he CHOOSES to isolate himself and go through this alone…then he gets to do that. It’s not your job nor your place to convince him otherwise. You can only do so much. It’s natural to give someone dealing with end of life stuff a “pass” with how they treat us because they are literally facing one of the scariest things ever. Just make sure you stay balanced and do not allow yourself to fall into the very easy trap of letting his illness consume you and you putting all of your needs aside.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Nandita,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your story with us. Now let’s see if we can figure something out.
I know how difficult it is to feel so powerless in a situation. He is not responding and it doesn’t sound you did anything to cause his disconnect. Is there anything you think you said to him that would cause him to step back? He said he wasn’t sure if he was marriage material. Did you happen to mention something about that with him?
I also want to really caution you. I know you have been talking for a while, but you have never met the guy. When you do talk, do you ever video talk or is it all over the phone? There really is soooooo much you don’t know about him. What are your ages?
I am quite suspicious of him. To start out saying he wanted a stable relationship to now saying he is so confused. I’m wondering if he is playing some kind of game or not being fully honest about something. To be totally honest, he is not that invested if he is only talking to you every 2-3 weeks. A guy will absolutely reach out and connect and initiate much more frequently than that when he really likes a girl, so there is something a little “off” about this situation.
I am also wondering about YOUR needs. It seems like this entire time, it’s you waiting around for him. It’s him designing this relationship, so you are constantly catering to what HE needs. What about you? It just doesn’t seem like this guy is emotionally available and you keep waiting and waiting and waiting. Is there a point that you are going to stop waiting? I imagine this doesn’t feel very good for you. I imagine you want to be with a guy who wants to connect with you all of the time and who isn’t confused about how he feels about you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Emilie! OMG! I was just thinking about you the other day, wondering how you were doing. It’s been such a long time!
Would love more details!
Where do you have tendonitis? Are you still doing pole class? What happened with that guy back from February? Did you eventually decide to get the vaccine? How is your dog? What do you mean by opening up yourself a bit more and being more conscious about your feelings? With who? And how? Is it working for you?
So good to hear from you! I know I just bombarded you with questions, so don’t feel you have to answer all of them. LOL
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more!
I definitely would say that your parents contributed to your insecurities. It is INCREDIBLY difficult to be an only child and to have been left alone a lot. That IS impactful, so you having a need to “demand” more attention/connection, you not wanting to be alone, you having the kind of insecurities you do, can come from that. It’s not to say your parents were bad. They did the best they could AND they had limitations that really have affected you. First and foremost, whenever you want to heal, it’s important to understand the birth place – the origin – of where your mental/emotional challenges come from. It helps you understand yourself better and make better sense of your world. Second, it’s important to understand you will ALWAYS have insecurities, for the rest of your life. It’s just part of human nature and that’s okay. The goal is to have less of them AND to have a skillset and accountability to handle your insecurities in a healthy way when they do show up. It’s all about resilience here. When I was younger, my triggers would last a loooong time. Like a couple of weeks. I have done so much healing work that now I am able to work through a trigger very quickly…sometimes within an hour. The bigger triggers, I have to work with my coach AND I hardly get triggered anymore. My life is soooooo much more peaceful now and it’s only going to get better! It’s worth it to go through all the tears, the hurt, the challenges that I had to face, to get to feel the way I do on a daily basis.
Here is a great resource. Maybe whenever he gets back, you guys can have a conversation about how you are arguing in a more respectful way: https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/conflict-management/
Heidi
