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Is that something i am imagining because of my ‘wounds’?! If there are core wounds caused by women, it’s impossible to view women clearly. Since you like color, let’s see if this makes sense…let’s say there is a color representing your view of women and coming into this world, it was purple. Then women abused you and added the color black to it and turned your purple into a dark, dark plum. Now, your view of women will always come from that dark dark plum color until you do deeper healing work to clear out the black color. We ALL are tainted in some sort of fashion though. We ALL have positive and negative experiences with men and women and that’s just part of life. Again, it’s important to understand that any perspective or belief we carry, will always be tainted by both nature and nurture.
However, in a formal setting, during a service in Church – it is totally repulsive. And for a woman to grasp for something that rightfully belongs to a man, is ugly. I think that’s the big argument about the church and the bible. There are hundreds and hundreds of bible scholars and then on top of that, thousands of opinions about what verses mean and say and debates about what God REALLY wants. In my personal opinion, no matter what I ‘believe’ I know I believe it because it resonates for me, but that doesn’t mean it’s true. How do we REALLY know what’s true? You could take the top of the top bible scholars/theologians/priests etc. and put them in the same room and they will be able to debate/prove their perspective with VALID study, logic, and reasoning. That’s the reality of any field of study. So who is right? No one and everyone. The bottom line then becomes this…does it matter? The people that show up at any congregation or any church are going to be there because what is being taught resonates for them and helps them feel guided in a way that makes them feel like becoming a better person. So your perspective about a woman trying to be where a man rightfully belongs and that it’s ugly, is just a belief you have invested in because it feels comfortable for you. That could easily be debated with all kinds of proof as to why that is not actually ‘true’…and of course could also be debated with all kinds of proof as to why that is actually ‘true’ also.
I heard a quote once by a philosopher that said “Belief is where thinking stops.” He was implying that once we BELIEVE something, that’s actually when we stop exploring ALL the other possibilities that exist that both support and contradict that belief. If you think about it, there is not a single thing on the face of this planet that anyone and everyone can agree upon, believe in, or support. That means there are endless possibilities and perspectives, right? So once we believe in something, that means our spirits have settled on something because it resonates for us – and that’s about the only ‘truth’ that is real for each person. People have a REALLY hard time with this concept though and I understand it. It’s hard to know how to have a belief and also have it be fluid and shiftable and changeable all at the same time. It doesn’t really matter though. Again, we all live in the way that help us be the best version possible of ourselves, each day. That’s all that truly matters, right?
Heidi
You didn’t offend me at all! Besides, if I were offended, then that is something I take responsibility for and will not push that onto you. I have strong boundaries, so you can trust that if there is ever a time that I need something different from you, I will communicate that to you – and I hope you will honor me the same way 🙂 I’m only allotted a certain amount of time each day to respond to posts. Your posts typically take up the whole time, which is totally okay. Sometimes I have to respond to other posts and not yours, so that’s why it can take a few days for me to respond sometimes. This one is going to be short because I’m out of time, but I will come back tomorrow.
I said it’s not in their nature, at least, not in a public setting, So why is it not in their nature? I completely see both men and woman having it in their nature to be leaders. I think it just depends on what kind of leader and what is required of that leader. Male leaders will be much better in certain areas and vice versa for women, but BOTH are needed, required and capable. I guess I’m wondering what you think women are missing in their nature, that men have – that makes them a natural leader.
that it will be effortless to find the good, once the core is healed. BUT how does one go about doing that? Basically, it’s doing deeper healing work with someone who is skilled and can guide you. You can only do so much on your own. There is always a point where you need someone objective and skilled to take you where your subconscious won’t go on your own. I have a coach I have worked with for 20 years and she takes me places I can’t get to. I know A LOT about healing, releasing etc. and I’ve learned that the catacombs of the psyche are freakin scary and accesses some of the most intense emotions a human can feel. It’s important to have a guide and support for doing deep healing work.
I’m sorry this is so short! I have a lot more to share and say, per usual, but I’ll leave that for later. I always look forward to your responses!
Heidi
Hi Jacinda,
Thank you for being here! It’s so scary to watch your marriage be threatened by another woman. How does he know her? What does it mean they are “hanging out?” Have you and your husband talked about this? Can you share what he has said about his reasons for hanging out with her?
Do you feel he is heading in the direction of asking for a divorce or having an affair with this woman?
First, I want to invite you to refocus your thoughts. There is no need to outwit her. She is not the problem, she is just a symptom. Turn your attention onto yourself and your partnership and decide what you are willing to do to turn the situation around.
If you have challenges with communication, then read some books, watch videos etc. to learn how to communicate more effectively. What EXACTLY do you feel you struggle with when it comes to communication?
The same is true about money – learn new ways to relate to it – develop some new skills – learn the deeper WHY behind the struggles that are happening.
The thing is, these are symptoms as well. There are ALWAYS deeper underlying issues sourcing whatever challenges show up in a relationship. First and foremost, are you connected to those deeper aspects within yourself? Do you think he is willing to learn and grow with you?
Heidi
I’m a little confused. Can you explain to me what the current status is? Are you guys broken up, but you still talk a lot? Is Louise still in the picture?
When you sent him the emails, what did you say?
When you say “Closure to the old relationship and fresh beginings to the new one” are you referring to starting fresh with a new relationship with him? That’s really not possible until you both work through the deeper core issues that have caused all the breakups in the first place. I really wish it were that easy to just wipe the slate clean. I imagine we probably wouldn’t have a 50% divorce rate if we could actually do that. The thing is, whatever causes discord in a relationship can only be changed/shifted once the deep core wounds are shifted. Those core wounds are what drives you to smoke, be a workaholic etc. and what drives him to be an addict. Those core wounds are what cause you and him to break up every once in a while. We ALL have a bunch of core wounds that cause drama in our relationships and there is not way to get rid of all of them. It’s learning how to connect with those core wounds, clearing what is ready to be cleared and developing a skill set to better handle when those wounds get triggered, so you don’t hurt your partner.
Have you ever worked with a therapist? Do you think he would be willing? Couples combined with private therapy is such an incredible way to really make powerful strides in how you relate to each other.
Heidi
There is so much to explore isn’t there? And it’s endless and limitless. It will last you a lifetime! Your interest and curiosity is going to last you 100 lifetimes! LOL. I love it. It’s beautiful and dynamic and adventurous. Thank you for sharing all of this.
There is a lot you said on the last page, but I’m only going to address 1 thing you believe – women are not good leaders and it’s not in their nature. I can understand from your experiences and why you would feel that way. The nurses in your school sound awful. I have had experiences like that for sure. I remember playing with a women’s pro soccer team for 2 weeks. I was an instant threat to them. It was in New York and they all packed into houses so they could afford it – so that created clicks. Oh my! By the end of 2 weeks, the amount of gossip, stories, back stabbing, etc. between the houses was horrible. I had a whole personality I didn’t even know about by the time I left! LOL. YUK! So I get it. Women at their worst, are very damaging. I do want to say though…women at their best are incredibly powerful. Being a leader is sometimes activating male energy, but it’s also activating feminine energy. A good leader, an effective leader, a powerful leader, an inspirational leader – uses BOTH their masculine and feminine sides. The feminine energies are the listening, the communicating, the inspiring, the connecting, the encouraging, the insightful, the advice giving etc. ALL those qualities are so important for a leader to possess in order for others to truly want to follow and to keep the masculine in balance. Pure masculine is someone like Hitler – on the dark side of course. Pure masculine energy, either way, can be damaging as a leader. Pure feminine doesn’t inspire followers. So an effective leader, whether in the form of a female or male, embodies and is in relationship with both energies. I have come across some incredibly powerful female leaders and it’s just as beautiful as a powerful male leader. It just looks different. There have been some powerful women in history who have changed the course of history because of their leadership. I’m sorry you have yet to experience one. Knowing your life though, and how things show up, I’m sure you will come across a female leader that you can respect and be inspired by, just as much as a man. Oprah? Brene Brown? Michaela Bohm? There really are sooooooo many to choose from.
It isn’t that i have a WALL! it is that i have NO BOUNDARIES at all! SO, in an effort to stay separate and not lose myself in the others, i harden myself and create as much physical distance as possible. If that’s not possible, i create mental and emotional distance. so, yes, there is fear – fear of merging with the other. This is why i feel unsafe with other women, with Indians and Ethiopians and others who share similar cultural outlooks. Do you see how you DO have a wall now? You don’t feel safe, so you naturally put a wall between you and everyone else. You’ve created physical and emotional distance. We all do that, of course. It’s just our natural coping mechanism. I love your color analogy! It’s a great way to explain how you are feeling. I want to invite you to go a little further with it though. You have a bit of a black and white thinking about it, so maybe explore it further in this way and see what you come up with. I know it’s still possible to exist and know yourself even if your colors are mixing in with another. There is a healthy way to merge with someone else. Here is an example. Let’s say I am Blue and my partner is yellow. Then we form a relationship which is a 3rd entity/energy we create together. So I am blue, he is yellow, the relationship is green. I know that I AM in that green. I KNOW how and what I contributed to make that green. I KNOW I am green too…not just blue and he is green and not just yellow. My point being, is it’s still possible to have boundaries, know yourself and mix with someone else. If you do not have boundaries, then yes…you lose yourself and you have to stay separate in order to know who you are. But once you accomplish feeling cozy with your boundaries and knowing who you are no matter who you are around, then you can mix colors with anyone and not lose yourself. However, part of the boundaries you ARE learning is the kind of energy you DO NOT want to mix with because it’s draining and unhealthy…like your mom’s energy. In healthy, conscious, more aware and resonant relationships, mixing colors is so fun, expanding, healing and transformative.
This is now my quest – to find the good in all those whom i have rejected and rebuild by color palette. 🙂 Maybe consider a bit of a different approach. It’s going to be an uphill battle trying to find the good in women when at your core, you have been deeply wounded by them. No matter how much good you find in women, it won’t shift the core wounds. The good you find will definitely make an impact for sure, but it still won’t change the core hurt that lives within you. BUT…if you go straight to the core wound and shift the energy there and heal…then you won’t have to search for the good in those you have rejected. Healing those core wounds will naturally do that for you. You will just naturally see the good, the value, the beauty in everyone in a much more effortless way. I personally and the type to just go straight for the jugular though. I want to deal with core issues first…the ROOT of my feelings and then I work with the rest of the stuff in a much easier, more effortless way. So I’m wondering…what is stopping you from deep diving directly into your wounds around women?
i realized that my kids don’t have to worry about their ancestral patterns – at least, not the ones from my side of the family. I Broke the chains. (at least all the ones i was aware of!) lol 🙂 I haven’t seen episode 6. I’ve watched several of them though. Very interesting topics. Watching her show made me think about what topics I would want to create for my own show. I love that she is exposing alternative methods, treatments, practices, beliefs etc. I LOVE seeing what is possible. I LOVE learning about taboo kind of subjects. I’m guessing you didn’t watch the sex one, since it has to do with only women. It might be a bit much for you at this point. There is soooooo much that passed down through our lineage and it’s up to each one of us to shift what we can. I have no doubt you have shifted a lot so far and now it’s up to your children to shift what they can as well.
Just something to think about with your parenting. Remember that no matter the action or intention, the energy BEHIND those actions/intentions are more powerful than the action itself. For example, if my intention is to make sure my kids feel soooooo loved by me, because I never felt that – then the energy behind my intention is full of fear, hurt, anger, resentment about my own needs not being met as a child and swearing I will NEVER put my own kids through that. BUT….if I want to make my kids feel sooooooo loved because that is just the kind of parent I want to be…then I will impact them differently because I am clear – wounded energy is not driving my desires. Your parents inspired you to be a certain kind of parent to your kids…according to what you DID NOT want to be. Your parents role modeled for you, who you didn’t want to be and you shaped yourself around that. Just something to play around with.
Heidi
Shoot Leah! I’m sooooo so sorry this is happening to you! It always breaks my heart to hear stories like this. Unfortunately, it’s so common!
If I’m understanding correctly, you talked for 6 weeks and never met in person, correct? And then you guys made plans to meet and he bailed. I’m wondering why it took 6 weeks to meet each other?
Here’s the thing…I know you liked this guy. Him disappearing the way he did is a HUGE RED FLAG!!!! Run the other way!!! If this is how he is treating you now, then can you imagine what he is like in a relationship? Yuk! It doesn’t matter if he is angry or hurt about the song! It matters that he isn’t talking to you. In relationships, we make each other mad, we hurt each other, we disappoint each other AND WE TALK ABOUT IT!!!! A person who runs away, ghosts, disappears or puts a wall up, is NOT someone who can sustain intimacy and connection…they are the type that ruin it! He is showing you his really lame side and I’m sorry to say it’s a quality that makes him NOT a good choice for a partner.
I’m wondering if he is married or already in a relationship or if he is just playing around with different women, until they ask to meet up…and then he bails. There is something VERY off about this whole situation! What it is, doesn’t matter. Don’t torture yourself with trying to find out. All that matters is that he bailed for no reason at all and you deserve sooooooo much better than being disregarded so easily by a man. RUN RUN RUN away from this guy!!!
Heidi
Hi Miss M,
Welcome! I understand why you are having such a hard time. He is an addict and there is Louise. It’s quite a confusing situation as you all play the back and forth kind of game.
Let’s talk about this a bit more. What EXACTLY do you want from him? He is an addict, so that in and of itself equals chaos, drama, and disappointment in various ways…it’s guaranteed and will ALWAYS be like that, as long as he stays in his addiction. You guys have been going on and off for 4 years. You cannot change a problem with the same energy it was created from. So what do you think needs to happen, in order to change the energy and bring the relationship into a state that would make you happy?
Heidi
I honestly believe that once/if he realizes he needs to face these old wounds, if he were to start therapy, and realizes how important it is to take care of his mental health, then he would learn better ways to handle tough times. Of course you believe that! Most people do. Therapy is definitely a good start, but the TRUE work lies within him. I know plenty of people who skate through therapy and never really change. They end up talking and talking and never really taking any action to heal and never really dive into the rabbit hole. It all depends on the kind of therapist he resonates with and it will depend on how much he is really willing to work on the deeper core issues. I hope he decides to take that path. The thing is, how long are you going to hold out for him to take that step? I have no doubt he is a GREAT guy! Here is the thing though…it is NOT our best parts that make a relationship last, it’s actually our worst parts that determine that. Meaning, it’s who we are as a person and as a couple that makes or breaks a relationship. It’s who we are in our worst that either builds or breaks trust. It’s who we are in our worst that either builds or breaks bonding. If things are broken in the worst moments, the feelings of emotional safety will disappear and that will taint all the good times. So no matter how amazing and wonderful he is, it doesn’t change that in his worst, most stressful, hurtful moments, he shuts you out and chooses his anger, resentment, bitterness towards his brother…over a connection with you. That’s so sad to me, but he gets to be that way. It’s actually a common choice in the sense that people typically do choose their anger, hurts etc. over forgiveness. In my opinion, it’s the main reason why the divorce rate is over 50%…people don’t know how, nor WANT to know how to truly forgive and let go.
I wish I didn’t think this way and I could just throw in the towel and be like I’ve had enough, f*** you! But I can’t…maybe I should. I have always had bad anxiety, ever since high school. It is way better now then it used to be, but these situations make me so anxious. It makes it even more of a battle to let it go. Anxiety is about fear of the future/unknown and the more this feeling increases, the higher your need for control and the higher your need for stability/consistency. Have you ever worked with a therapist on this? Are you on medication? Why do you feel you are so anxious?
I wish it were easy to throw in the towel too…it’s INCREDIBLY difficult to let go of someone you believed had potential. It feels incredibly good to connect with someone so deeply, feel comfortable being yourself and begin creating a dream around that person. It’s hard to say goodbye to all of that! It’s going to take some time, so be patient with yourself. It’s okay to hurt and it’s normal to struggle so much…it just means you deeply care and it honors what you and him had together. Try writing or saying everything out loud. I remember 1 breakup I had, I had sooooo many things I wanted to say, so I talked into a recorder over and over and over again…just saying anything and everything out loud…no filtering. Some days I was sooooo angry and other days I would tell him how much I loved him and missed him. Man…it helped take off the edge of wanting to constantly reach out. You need to give all of those feelings a place to go. If all you do is hold it in, you are going to burst, you are going to reach out to him and you will end up pushing him away – and I know that’s not what you want.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Matt is confused, that’s all. Of course, he still has feelings and an attraction towards you, but he also has that picture of you sleeping with his brother in his head…and that picture is stronger in his mind.
Again, remember that this guy is not willing to forgive and he is USING this picture in his mind as a wall to intimacy with you. He literally is choosing his bitterness and anger over you.
Trying to just be friends is silly. As long as there are feelings on either end, there is no REAL friendship. All you are doing is trying to change his mind and all he is doing is trying not to change his mind.
Personally, I would let it go. I don’t care who the guy is, if he wants to choose his fear, anger, bitterness, resentment etc. over ME, over love, over connection, over happiness…have at it! He can marry that instead.
I would personally be pissed and lose all respect for a guy that would make that kind of choice. I get it, believe me. It’s a very hard choice when the story is so damn strong. I also am interested in a man who will face his life and not run from it. I want a man who is a warrior and will protect “us” from harm. I want a man who doesn’t hold onto a victim mentality, but instead chooses a more empowering way of living. He is giving all of his power away to his brother. He is literally CHOOSING suffering instead of forgiveness. It’s a battle that is not meant to be fought by you…for him. You are wanting him to fight for you, when he isn’t even willing to fight for himself. What kind of relationship do you really think you will have with him long term?
I want to encourage you to stop trying to figure out what he is doing and why he is behaving the way he is. That’s just a guessing game that gets you nowhere. Look at the FACTS. The “why” behind what he does, doesn’t matter. It matters what he IS doing. What he is showing you is that he just wants to be friends. His actions and words are lining up with that. So I’m glad you are stepping back and you will get to see what HE does to initiate. Let him take the lead. Let him miss you. Let him feel the FULL consequences of his choice to choose his anger over you. He needs to FEEL the loss of you to truly understand what he is choosing instead. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer!
Great question! I think it just depends on what you are looking for. Age doesn’t matter if you are looking to just have some fun. If you are wanting something more serious, you’ll be running into a big barrier with the age difference. It sounds like he is just wanting to have some fun. It’s a common mentality for a guy his age. Plus, you are an older woman, which many young guys fantasize about.
So what do YOU want? Have you ever had any one-night stands or just playful, sexual experiences with no strings attached?
Heidi
I remember back in high school discovering why I wasn’t invited to parties very much, despite knowing everyone and being part of the “popular” crowd. One girl told me once that I was too much of a “goody goody” and I thought I was better than everyone. My presence at a party immediately activated guilt/shame in some of the other kids there. I was soooooo shocked!!!! I had no idea that was the vibe I was giving off or that some people felt insecure around me. It was because I didn’t drink, I was Christian, I did what I was supposed to do, I NEVER got in trouble and I was always the person everyone came to for advice and I always had answers for them. So I set myself up to be THAT girl and not the party girl. What that taught me is that people are going to create a story about you ALWAYS and most of the time, there will be a lot of holes in it. The stories people create are also reflective of their own low or high self-esteem. It truly is fascinating, isn’t it?? Relationships are quite the game. I’m curious to see if/how things shift as you start to by acting like you belong.
I love that you are still receiving compliments from people at your work. That is something that has been gravely missing in some of your past jobs. It’s so nourishing to be noticed and appreciated for all the hard work!!!
Good job working with your emotions about Hugo. I know it’s far from easy truly dealing with our reactions to someone we don’t particularly like. Hugo is giving you good practice!!!
I’m so glad to hear that your pup likes him and he likes her (her – right?). That’s a very important relationship as well.
I love how connected you are to your patterns and feelings. Most people would have listened to those feelings of “uncertainty” and tried to do something about it. Feelings ARE NOT facts and that is how you are treating them! YOU are controlling and shifting those feelings, as needed and that’s so beautiful! That is a skill that I spend hours and hours trying to encourage people to learn how to do. Well done! All those scary and uncomfortable emotions will be with us forever, so it’s a lifelong skill we ALL need to continue to develop. He is very lucky to have you! I know I’ve said that before, but up to now, it seems like this guy knows that as well and that makes me beyond happy!!!
How long has this been going on now? A little over a month maybe?
Heidi
It sounds like you have co-dependent tendencies but that you have brought that more into balance…which is spectacular!!! That’s the goal. You will always have those tendencies, especially when life gets more stressful. The skill is to keep it in balance as much as possible. I have no doubt that you are helping to heal his heart though. You’re thoughtful, connective and you like him…just as he is. It sounds like he is doing the same for you. It’s so scary isn’t it??? It’s like it’s too good to be true and waiting for something to go wrong…because it always has. I don’t know how much of that “story” is in your subconscious or conscious, but it is a very common story for the majority of people, when it comes to love. We have such poor role models and most of the time, extremely limited parents, who although loved us the best they could, were extremely dysfunctional. I love that you are still open, no matter what you have been through. I have a lot of respect for you!!!
Just curious…how does he like your pup? Do they get along well?
Heidi
Oh no! How scary that your mom was in an accident! I’m so glad to hear she is okay though. It’s so darn scary isn’t it??? It sounds like Tim was super supportive and wonderful….per usual.
Maybe it’s time for a conversation again. I‘m starting to get more feelings for him and wanting a relationship with him and being closer to him. The fact is, he needs to take responsibility for pulling you in closer to him…because he has done just that. That means there are going to be increased feelings and it’s time he faces that.
What if you said something like exactly what you have just said…”Tim…we have been spending a lot more time together, cuddling, more sex etc. We started as just friends with benefits and I agreed to that. I did have feelings for you from the beginning but I also felt comfortable just letting it be what it was. I have to admit that I’m starting to feel more deeply for you to where the whole friends with benefits thing is getting uncomfortable for me. The idea of you being with another woman, going out on dates or whatever…it would break my heart. So I’m recognizing that my heart has gone beyond the FWB zone and I need to honor that. I’m not saying I need to have a committed relationship with you right now. It just feels like we need to talk and get onto the same page, because I have no idea what you are feeling towards me. All I know is that I am being really vulnerable and bonding with you both as a friend and a lover and I have limits.” How do you feel about this approach??
Heidi
