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Hi Jacinda,
Thank you for sharing! It does sound like you have a big beautiful heart! That is quite a gift! Not everybody is like that. So in your list of what kind of wife you would like to be, you didn’t mention anything about taking care of yourself. It is soooooo important for someone who gives a lot and loves to take care of others, has a good balance of taking care of themselves as well, so they don’t empty themselves out all of the time. I’m wondering if you think that is selfish. You listed that as something you didn’t want to be, but I’m wondering…do you think you are selfish? If yes, what makes you think that about yourself? Selfish and self-care, although the act of both is the same – are NOT the same energies. Selfish is more like a narcissist where you are ONLY caring about yourself and it has damaging energy to it. Self care is thinking about yourself and serving yourself in order to keep your balance, in order to love yourself, in order to fill yourself back up to counterbalance how much you are putting out.
Where do you lack confidence? Everyone is confident in certain areas and not in others. So what areas are you confident about in your life and what areas are you not confident in?
You say you are not good at conversation. Give me an example.
As far as banter, it may not be the kind of person you are. I know PLENTY of people who just don’t think that way and that’s okay! I know your husband may enjoy that from you, but let’s stick with working on things that make or break the relationship – banter is not one of them.
How have you guys played together? This is REALLY important. What kinds of things have you done together that make you both laugh, bond, have fun etc.?
Heidi
You get to a stage where he wants to join you when YOU are stable and strong within yourself. You may know a lot, but I’m not seeing where you are putting it into practice. Knowing is not doing or being. So let’s just start with this. What kind of girlfriend do you want to be? How do you want to behave and feel as a girlfriend? Don’t think about him in this question…only think about yourself. What kind of qualities and characteristics do you want to embody that make you feel REALLY good about yourself?? Now…what’s missing? I’m sure you embody a lot of the qualities you like, but I’m sure there are some qualities you want to be, but are not. What are those qualities? What is stopping you from being those qualities? What would it take for you to start to embody those qualities? What skills do you need to develop to embody those qualities? What skills do you need to develop and put into practice, in order to support the kind of relationship you want to have? Again, focus only on what feels good for YOU, not him.
Heidi
Hi Gwen,
I’m just going to be blunt here. RUN! DO NOT get involved with this guy. How he treated you in the past, he either is bipolar or borderline personality disorder or seriously wounded. He may be gentle now, but eventually that dark and damaging/hurtful side will come out again. Listen to your body and your reactions!!! You are cautious and protective for a GOOD reason and you want to ignore that?
A foundational quality for ANY relationship to work and last is emotional safety. You DO NOT feel safe with this guy and that is something to pay attention to – it doesn’t matter how you still feel attracted to him. Feelings of attraction can either be sourced by our own unresolved wounds or a clear/high functioning place within us. The thing is – it feels exactly the same!!! So feelings of attraction are NOT what needs to guide us and lead us into love and relationship – it’s just part of the equation. We also need to lead ourselves with logic and real world experiences of that person. And what you have experienced of him is damaging and hurtful and very uncaring. Do you really think that all just went away because he is being gentle right now?? A person like that needs a lot of therapy and probably medication.
So let’s talk about you for second. Do you have a pattern of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men? What is your relationship with your parents/siblings like? Have you ever had experiences of being loved really well by a man??
Heidi
I understand it’s a sensitive area for you. I knew I was taking a bit of a risk heading into the area of talking about belief. I appreciate you stepping into it a bit and communicating really well about how you feel. It’s not a subject we need to talk about actually. You are pretty solid in how you view things and you like how you view things and approach your beliefs. That’s all that matters.
And the reality is, NOBODY likes working under women. Because IN GENERAL, women are Terrible leaders. There is also statistics to prove that single mom homes are less stable than single dad homes. This is especially seen in how well adjusted the children are or aren’t. Are all these statistics biased? Let’s keep talking about this though! There are many kinds of statistics that show an absent father is much more damaging than an absent mother. Isn’t that interesting?? The majority of statistics also show the failure of marriages are caused by the majority of men. Fascinating! There are MANY reasons why these things are stats. Either way, I think it just shows that both men and women have so many limitations and in different ways. It doesn’t make men better than women or vice versa. I think it just shows that we need each other. Where men fall short, women can be strong and fill in the holes and where women fall short, men can support and take care of things.
I actually know MANY people who prefer working under women. I know plenty who prefer men as well. I think it just depends on the area the person is leading. I have been lead by some incredible females as well as males and horrible women and men. Personally, I think it’s just about what kind of person they are instead of what gender they are. I know this is not how you view it and I know you have generally had challenging experiences with women. Again, you have a lot of deep wounds caused by women and that is going to influence the kinds of experiences and feelings you have towards women and how they show up in your life. I do understand how you feel. I understand the lack of trust and safety you feel around women. I understand the resentment you carry, the anger you carry, the hurt you carry because of the damage and trauma they caused in your life. Like I’ve said before – when you are ready to truly let all of that go and heal, you will take the steps towards that. Until then, you will just keep working on other areas of your life where you are able to create shifts and changes on your own.
Heidi
Hi Jacinda,
Thank you for sharing more detail. I’m sooooo so sorry to hear about the sexual abuse you had to endure. It’s awful!!! Have you ever seen a specialist to help you heal from those traumas?
One of the first places to start, is educating yourself and becoming the kind of wife that makes you feel really good about yourself. So what kind of wife do you want to be? What kind of wife do you feel would make you feel really about yourself? Then…what is missing from that picture that you are NOT embodying?
This would also be a good question to ask your husband as well – just to see what his perspective is and compare it to yours.
You cannot change who he is or what he is willing to do. You can only work on yourself. Again, this other woman is insignificant. Your focus is on becoming, living, being the kind of person/wife that puts a huge smile on your face. And wherever you feel you need some work, then you begin to equip yourself better. For example, you struggle with communicating, so finding ways to say things differently, can change the dynamic between the 2 of you. The thing is…he is not going to want to step back into the same patterns, the same marriage, the same ol’ same ‘ol stuff. So it’s about finding ways to shift things for the better. It’s about finding ways to help him associate pleasure, peace, joy, fun, ease, etc. with you.
How are you at appreciating him and giving him compliments? What did you say to activate his hero instinct?
Heidi
It sounds like he is still not ready for anything. I’m not sure what Louise is still doing in the picture, but it’s obvious that she is a player in this whole thing as well. As long as she is still in his life, in the way that she is, you and him will not be able to resolve anything. If you guys don’t get help in some sort of way, all that will happen as you move forward, is the same drama. You may have shifted a lot, but he has to also join you in that growth mindset, or you are going to become more and more resentful towards him. You don’t want that! He gets to be who he is. He gets to be messy, he gets to be confused, he gets to be upset, he gets to have Louise in his life. He also deserves to be accepted, just the way he is. So if you feel you cannot accept him, with ALL of his limitations, feel emotionally safe with him, feel an open heart with him – even if nothing changed – then all you will be stepping back into is a lot of chaos and challenge. You guys have already gone 4 years of on and off again type of relationship. It’s always going to be that way unless you BOTH agree to truly set some goals about how you want to treat each other, learn to listen, develop some new skills, learn how to have a healthier more respectful conflict style and REALLY, TRULY care about how you treat other.
YOU have to set the tone and standard about how you are treated and how you will treat him. Take the lead and start to create a healthier exchange with him – from your end of things. Why not start reading some books, watching videos, educating yourself about how to handle conflicts/communication/boundaries etc. in healthy ways with a partner? Do you think he would be willing to learn that kind of stuff with you?
Heidi
Is that something i am imagining because of my ‘wounds’?! If there are core wounds caused by women, it’s impossible to view women clearly. Since you like color, let’s see if this makes sense…let’s say there is a color representing your view of women and coming into this world, it was purple. Then women abused you and added the color black to it and turned your purple into a dark, dark plum. Now, your view of women will always come from that dark dark plum color until you do deeper healing work to clear out the black color. We ALL are tainted in some sort of fashion though. We ALL have positive and negative experiences with men and women and that’s just part of life. Again, it’s important to understand that any perspective or belief we carry, will always be tainted by both nature and nurture.
However, in a formal setting, during a service in Church – it is totally repulsive. And for a woman to grasp for something that rightfully belongs to a man, is ugly. I think that’s the big argument about the church and the bible. There are hundreds and hundreds of bible scholars and then on top of that, thousands of opinions about what verses mean and say and debates about what God REALLY wants. In my personal opinion, no matter what I ‘believe’ I know I believe it because it resonates for me, but that doesn’t mean it’s true. How do we REALLY know what’s true? You could take the top of the top bible scholars/theologians/priests etc. and put them in the same room and they will be able to debate/prove their perspective with VALID study, logic, and reasoning. That’s the reality of any field of study. So who is right? No one and everyone. The bottom line then becomes this…does it matter? The people that show up at any congregation or any church are going to be there because what is being taught resonates for them and helps them feel guided in a way that makes them feel like becoming a better person. So your perspective about a woman trying to be where a man rightfully belongs and that it’s ugly, is just a belief you have invested in because it feels comfortable for you. That could easily be debated with all kinds of proof as to why that is not actually ‘true’…and of course could also be debated with all kinds of proof as to why that is actually ‘true’ also.
I heard a quote once by a philosopher that said “Belief is where thinking stops.” He was implying that once we BELIEVE something, that’s actually when we stop exploring ALL the other possibilities that exist that both support and contradict that belief. If you think about it, there is not a single thing on the face of this planet that anyone and everyone can agree upon, believe in, or support. That means there are endless possibilities and perspectives, right? So once we believe in something, that means our spirits have settled on something because it resonates for us – and that’s about the only ‘truth’ that is real for each person. People have a REALLY hard time with this concept though and I understand it. It’s hard to know how to have a belief and also have it be fluid and shiftable and changeable all at the same time. It doesn’t really matter though. Again, we all live in the way that help us be the best version possible of ourselves, each day. That’s all that truly matters, right?
Heidi
You didn’t offend me at all! Besides, if I were offended, then that is something I take responsibility for and will not push that onto you. I have strong boundaries, so you can trust that if there is ever a time that I need something different from you, I will communicate that to you – and I hope you will honor me the same way 🙂 I’m only allotted a certain amount of time each day to respond to posts. Your posts typically take up the whole time, which is totally okay. Sometimes I have to respond to other posts and not yours, so that’s why it can take a few days for me to respond sometimes. This one is going to be short because I’m out of time, but I will come back tomorrow.
I said it’s not in their nature, at least, not in a public setting, So why is it not in their nature? I completely see both men and woman having it in their nature to be leaders. I think it just depends on what kind of leader and what is required of that leader. Male leaders will be much better in certain areas and vice versa for women, but BOTH are needed, required and capable. I guess I’m wondering what you think women are missing in their nature, that men have – that makes them a natural leader.
that it will be effortless to find the good, once the core is healed. BUT how does one go about doing that? Basically, it’s doing deeper healing work with someone who is skilled and can guide you. You can only do so much on your own. There is always a point where you need someone objective and skilled to take you where your subconscious won’t go on your own. I have a coach I have worked with for 20 years and she takes me places I can’t get to. I know A LOT about healing, releasing etc. and I’ve learned that the catacombs of the psyche are freakin scary and accesses some of the most intense emotions a human can feel. It’s important to have a guide and support for doing deep healing work.
I’m sorry this is so short! I have a lot more to share and say, per usual, but I’ll leave that for later. I always look forward to your responses!
Heidi
Hi Jacinda,
Thank you for being here! It’s so scary to watch your marriage be threatened by another woman. How does he know her? What does it mean they are “hanging out?” Have you and your husband talked about this? Can you share what he has said about his reasons for hanging out with her?
Do you feel he is heading in the direction of asking for a divorce or having an affair with this woman?
First, I want to invite you to refocus your thoughts. There is no need to outwit her. She is not the problem, she is just a symptom. Turn your attention onto yourself and your partnership and decide what you are willing to do to turn the situation around.
If you have challenges with communication, then read some books, watch videos etc. to learn how to communicate more effectively. What EXACTLY do you feel you struggle with when it comes to communication?
The same is true about money – learn new ways to relate to it – develop some new skills – learn the deeper WHY behind the struggles that are happening.
The thing is, these are symptoms as well. There are ALWAYS deeper underlying issues sourcing whatever challenges show up in a relationship. First and foremost, are you connected to those deeper aspects within yourself? Do you think he is willing to learn and grow with you?
Heidi
I’m a little confused. Can you explain to me what the current status is? Are you guys broken up, but you still talk a lot? Is Louise still in the picture?
When you sent him the emails, what did you say?
When you say “Closure to the old relationship and fresh beginings to the new one” are you referring to starting fresh with a new relationship with him? That’s really not possible until you both work through the deeper core issues that have caused all the breakups in the first place. I really wish it were that easy to just wipe the slate clean. I imagine we probably wouldn’t have a 50% divorce rate if we could actually do that. The thing is, whatever causes discord in a relationship can only be changed/shifted once the deep core wounds are shifted. Those core wounds are what drives you to smoke, be a workaholic etc. and what drives him to be an addict. Those core wounds are what cause you and him to break up every once in a while. We ALL have a bunch of core wounds that cause drama in our relationships and there is not way to get rid of all of them. It’s learning how to connect with those core wounds, clearing what is ready to be cleared and developing a skill set to better handle when those wounds get triggered, so you don’t hurt your partner.
Have you ever worked with a therapist? Do you think he would be willing? Couples combined with private therapy is such an incredible way to really make powerful strides in how you relate to each other.
Heidi
There is so much to explore isn’t there? And it’s endless and limitless. It will last you a lifetime! Your interest and curiosity is going to last you 100 lifetimes! LOL. I love it. It’s beautiful and dynamic and adventurous. Thank you for sharing all of this.
There is a lot you said on the last page, but I’m only going to address 1 thing you believe – women are not good leaders and it’s not in their nature. I can understand from your experiences and why you would feel that way. The nurses in your school sound awful. I have had experiences like that for sure. I remember playing with a women’s pro soccer team for 2 weeks. I was an instant threat to them. It was in New York and they all packed into houses so they could afford it – so that created clicks. Oh my! By the end of 2 weeks, the amount of gossip, stories, back stabbing, etc. between the houses was horrible. I had a whole personality I didn’t even know about by the time I left! LOL. YUK! So I get it. Women at their worst, are very damaging. I do want to say though…women at their best are incredibly powerful. Being a leader is sometimes activating male energy, but it’s also activating feminine energy. A good leader, an effective leader, a powerful leader, an inspirational leader – uses BOTH their masculine and feminine sides. The feminine energies are the listening, the communicating, the inspiring, the connecting, the encouraging, the insightful, the advice giving etc. ALL those qualities are so important for a leader to possess in order for others to truly want to follow and to keep the masculine in balance. Pure masculine is someone like Hitler – on the dark side of course. Pure masculine energy, either way, can be damaging as a leader. Pure feminine doesn’t inspire followers. So an effective leader, whether in the form of a female or male, embodies and is in relationship with both energies. I have come across some incredibly powerful female leaders and it’s just as beautiful as a powerful male leader. It just looks different. There have been some powerful women in history who have changed the course of history because of their leadership. I’m sorry you have yet to experience one. Knowing your life though, and how things show up, I’m sure you will come across a female leader that you can respect and be inspired by, just as much as a man. Oprah? Brene Brown? Michaela Bohm? There really are sooooooo many to choose from.
It isn’t that i have a WALL! it is that i have NO BOUNDARIES at all! SO, in an effort to stay separate and not lose myself in the others, i harden myself and create as much physical distance as possible. If that’s not possible, i create mental and emotional distance. so, yes, there is fear – fear of merging with the other. This is why i feel unsafe with other women, with Indians and Ethiopians and others who share similar cultural outlooks. Do you see how you DO have a wall now? You don’t feel safe, so you naturally put a wall between you and everyone else. You’ve created physical and emotional distance. We all do that, of course. It’s just our natural coping mechanism. I love your color analogy! It’s a great way to explain how you are feeling. I want to invite you to go a little further with it though. You have a bit of a black and white thinking about it, so maybe explore it further in this way and see what you come up with. I know it’s still possible to exist and know yourself even if your colors are mixing in with another. There is a healthy way to merge with someone else. Here is an example. Let’s say I am Blue and my partner is yellow. Then we form a relationship which is a 3rd entity/energy we create together. So I am blue, he is yellow, the relationship is green. I know that I AM in that green. I KNOW how and what I contributed to make that green. I KNOW I am green too…not just blue and he is green and not just yellow. My point being, is it’s still possible to have boundaries, know yourself and mix with someone else. If you do not have boundaries, then yes…you lose yourself and you have to stay separate in order to know who you are. But once you accomplish feeling cozy with your boundaries and knowing who you are no matter who you are around, then you can mix colors with anyone and not lose yourself. However, part of the boundaries you ARE learning is the kind of energy you DO NOT want to mix with because it’s draining and unhealthy…like your mom’s energy. In healthy, conscious, more aware and resonant relationships, mixing colors is so fun, expanding, healing and transformative.
This is now my quest – to find the good in all those whom i have rejected and rebuild by color palette. 🙂 Maybe consider a bit of a different approach. It’s going to be an uphill battle trying to find the good in women when at your core, you have been deeply wounded by them. No matter how much good you find in women, it won’t shift the core wounds. The good you find will definitely make an impact for sure, but it still won’t change the core hurt that lives within you. BUT…if you go straight to the core wound and shift the energy there and heal…then you won’t have to search for the good in those you have rejected. Healing those core wounds will naturally do that for you. You will just naturally see the good, the value, the beauty in everyone in a much more effortless way. I personally and the type to just go straight for the jugular though. I want to deal with core issues first…the ROOT of my feelings and then I work with the rest of the stuff in a much easier, more effortless way. So I’m wondering…what is stopping you from deep diving directly into your wounds around women?
i realized that my kids don’t have to worry about their ancestral patterns – at least, not the ones from my side of the family. I Broke the chains. (at least all the ones i was aware of!) lol 🙂 I haven’t seen episode 6. I’ve watched several of them though. Very interesting topics. Watching her show made me think about what topics I would want to create for my own show. I love that she is exposing alternative methods, treatments, practices, beliefs etc. I LOVE seeing what is possible. I LOVE learning about taboo kind of subjects. I’m guessing you didn’t watch the sex one, since it has to do with only women. It might be a bit much for you at this point. There is soooooo much that passed down through our lineage and it’s up to each one of us to shift what we can. I have no doubt you have shifted a lot so far and now it’s up to your children to shift what they can as well.
Just something to think about with your parenting. Remember that no matter the action or intention, the energy BEHIND those actions/intentions are more powerful than the action itself. For example, if my intention is to make sure my kids feel soooooo loved by me, because I never felt that – then the energy behind my intention is full of fear, hurt, anger, resentment about my own needs not being met as a child and swearing I will NEVER put my own kids through that. BUT….if I want to make my kids feel sooooooo loved because that is just the kind of parent I want to be…then I will impact them differently because I am clear – wounded energy is not driving my desires. Your parents inspired you to be a certain kind of parent to your kids…according to what you DID NOT want to be. Your parents role modeled for you, who you didn’t want to be and you shaped yourself around that. Just something to play around with.
Heidi
Shoot Leah! I’m sooooo so sorry this is happening to you! It always breaks my heart to hear stories like this. Unfortunately, it’s so common!
If I’m understanding correctly, you talked for 6 weeks and never met in person, correct? And then you guys made plans to meet and he bailed. I’m wondering why it took 6 weeks to meet each other?
Here’s the thing…I know you liked this guy. Him disappearing the way he did is a HUGE RED FLAG!!!! Run the other way!!! If this is how he is treating you now, then can you imagine what he is like in a relationship? Yuk! It doesn’t matter if he is angry or hurt about the song! It matters that he isn’t talking to you. In relationships, we make each other mad, we hurt each other, we disappoint each other AND WE TALK ABOUT IT!!!! A person who runs away, ghosts, disappears or puts a wall up, is NOT someone who can sustain intimacy and connection…they are the type that ruin it! He is showing you his really lame side and I’m sorry to say it’s a quality that makes him NOT a good choice for a partner.
I’m wondering if he is married or already in a relationship or if he is just playing around with different women, until they ask to meet up…and then he bails. There is something VERY off about this whole situation! What it is, doesn’t matter. Don’t torture yourself with trying to find out. All that matters is that he bailed for no reason at all and you deserve sooooooo much better than being disregarded so easily by a man. RUN RUN RUN away from this guy!!!
Heidi
Hi Miss M,
Welcome! I understand why you are having such a hard time. He is an addict and there is Louise. It’s quite a confusing situation as you all play the back and forth kind of game.
Let’s talk about this a bit more. What EXACTLY do you want from him? He is an addict, so that in and of itself equals chaos, drama, and disappointment in various ways…it’s guaranteed and will ALWAYS be like that, as long as he stays in his addiction. You guys have been going on and off for 4 years. You cannot change a problem with the same energy it was created from. So what do you think needs to happen, in order to change the energy and bring the relationship into a state that would make you happy?
Heidi
I honestly believe that once/if he realizes he needs to face these old wounds, if he were to start therapy, and realizes how important it is to take care of his mental health, then he would learn better ways to handle tough times. Of course you believe that! Most people do. Therapy is definitely a good start, but the TRUE work lies within him. I know plenty of people who skate through therapy and never really change. They end up talking and talking and never really taking any action to heal and never really dive into the rabbit hole. It all depends on the kind of therapist he resonates with and it will depend on how much he is really willing to work on the deeper core issues. I hope he decides to take that path. The thing is, how long are you going to hold out for him to take that step? I have no doubt he is a GREAT guy! Here is the thing though…it is NOT our best parts that make a relationship last, it’s actually our worst parts that determine that. Meaning, it’s who we are as a person and as a couple that makes or breaks a relationship. It’s who we are in our worst that either builds or breaks trust. It’s who we are in our worst that either builds or breaks bonding. If things are broken in the worst moments, the feelings of emotional safety will disappear and that will taint all the good times. So no matter how amazing and wonderful he is, it doesn’t change that in his worst, most stressful, hurtful moments, he shuts you out and chooses his anger, resentment, bitterness towards his brother…over a connection with you. That’s so sad to me, but he gets to be that way. It’s actually a common choice in the sense that people typically do choose their anger, hurts etc. over forgiveness. In my opinion, it’s the main reason why the divorce rate is over 50%…people don’t know how, nor WANT to know how to truly forgive and let go.
I wish I didn’t think this way and I could just throw in the towel and be like I’ve had enough, f*** you! But I can’t…maybe I should. I have always had bad anxiety, ever since high school. It is way better now then it used to be, but these situations make me so anxious. It makes it even more of a battle to let it go. Anxiety is about fear of the future/unknown and the more this feeling increases, the higher your need for control and the higher your need for stability/consistency. Have you ever worked with a therapist on this? Are you on medication? Why do you feel you are so anxious?
I wish it were easy to throw in the towel too…it’s INCREDIBLY difficult to let go of someone you believed had potential. It feels incredibly good to connect with someone so deeply, feel comfortable being yourself and begin creating a dream around that person. It’s hard to say goodbye to all of that! It’s going to take some time, so be patient with yourself. It’s okay to hurt and it’s normal to struggle so much…it just means you deeply care and it honors what you and him had together. Try writing or saying everything out loud. I remember 1 breakup I had, I had sooooo many things I wanted to say, so I talked into a recorder over and over and over again…just saying anything and everything out loud…no filtering. Some days I was sooooo angry and other days I would tell him how much I loved him and missed him. Man…it helped take off the edge of wanting to constantly reach out. You need to give all of those feelings a place to go. If all you do is hold it in, you are going to burst, you are going to reach out to him and you will end up pushing him away – and I know that’s not what you want.
Thoughts?
Heidi
