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Please tell me if you think this is way off base, because I’m seriously considering sending it, but will wait for your input before I do.
“ I don’t know, babe. I’ve got to be honest. Everything about our conversation this morning felt like a big push in the opposite direction from everything we’ve said and shared up to this point. It left me feeling confused, and honestly like I’m dating a 21-year-old bachelor who doesn’t know what he wants and is terribly afraid of commitment. I don’t feel good about it. It doesn’t feel like the man that said he was looking for a partner in every way, or that said he thought it was attractive that I was thinking about our future. I want you to know what you want from this, and I want you to feel good about or, or I don’t want to be a part of it. No matter how much I love, appreciate and respect you. I want someone who isn’t afraid of what the future might hold together. I want to feel cherished and honored and loved. And I need to feel like one sentence isn’t going to break the fabric of our relationship for weeks at a time.
I don’t like that my daughters are spending nights at a house, and seeing me go to bed with someone who has no plans of building a future together. What kind of message does that send my daughters? Your daughter? I don’t feel good about it at all now that we’ve had this talk.
I will still come see your parents Wednesday, if you’d like, and you are still welcome at Kaelen’s birthday Saturday. But after that, k feel like a little time would be good to figure out what you want from this, because I really don’t feel like you know anymore. And that’s fine. I just need you to figure it out so that we can both feel safe again, or we won’t be able to make this work.”
As far as what I asked for – I told him if I cry because we’ve argued, all I need is a hug. I told him that if he wants me to feel like a priority to him that at least some of our time together needs to be non-negotiable. I also told him that shutting down and not telling me what’s going on in his head isn’t a very healthy way to keep communication open.
I didn’t say anything about moving in together or marriage, because I didn’t know how to respond to it, because I was so shell-shocked when he said it. I still don’t know how to feel. Why invest so much time in getting to know each others families if he has no plans of ever combining them? I don’t get it, honestly. He even wanted to take a picture with all of our kids together. When we started dating, he said he was looking for a partner in every way, and this just felt like talking to a completely different man that I don’t know or recognize.
He basically said he needed space, and time for other things. And for me to be understanding of that.
I wish I could’ve read this before the conversation was over… but oh well. I just feel really betrayed right now. Like he was telling me one thing and now he’s saying something else. I think it’s really obvious that he’s scared as hell and I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it besides backing off.
He told me that I need to take care of myself, and I agreed, but also said I have a lot going on because I’m homeschooling a kid and watching a toddler all day when they’re not with their dad. He said he feels responsible for being available when I don’t have the kids, and maybe that’s because it all changed all at once when he got scared. Suddenly he wasn’t available anymore, and I didn’t know how to handle it or how to respond, because it was an entirely new dynamic. Rather than him running to me the second he could, he was reluctant to spend time together, reluctant to tell me how he felt about me, and reluctant to be open about how he was really feeling. He talked to his best friend about it long before he talked to me, and that bothers me because I wish he’d come to me first, at least – especially considering early on in our relationship, he told me that one of his pet peaves was running to others to talk about relationship problems before coming to each other.
I also told him id like him to take better care of himself, rather than trying to treat his body like it’s immortal – like complaining that he’s worn out, and then kayaking for four days in a row and not eating properly. He agreed that I was right.
I don’t know. The whole conversation felt like a breakup event though it wasn’t. I wish I knew how to wrap my head around it jn a better way, and now k don’t even know what to say to him or what to do.
So I helped out by cleaning up his house this weekend, and it made him feel like I was in his space too much. He did say he appreciated it but wished that I had spent the time for myself. He said that I spooked him when I asked if he wanted me living with him eventually and I shared how it made me feel. He said he’d felt responsible for my feelings and my time lately and that with that and being spooked that he didn’t feel as safe. He also said he didn’t think he’d ever want to get married again, and that his house is a refuge for him. We talked about how to be there for each other and give each other what we need while also providing space. He said he didn’t want to lose himself, and I said k didn’t want him to either, because then he wouldn’t be the person I fell in love with anymore. I explained that the last few weeks were stressful for me too and I was struggling to juggle my emotions and needs and processing what was happening between us.
I asked him if he thought he needed some space and time to figure out what he needed from our relationship, and he said no, that he just needs to feel like he’s not responsible for me.
I’m glad we talked, but feeling uneasy still. Maybe you can help me unpack this.
This is so helpful, and I think you’re right. He always made me feel like a princess before now (which is very very new for me) and then he just stopped and I panicked. Really bad. I realize now that I was overreacting and just need to give him space to function through this. I just hope I can find some creative ways to be there for him since he doesn’t know what to ask for right now. He’s so worth it. He’s the best partner I’ve ever had a million times over, and if k can help him through this, I know that we will be stronger for it in the end. I actually sent him an apology and told him that I realized I was overreacting because I was scared, and that it’s okay that he’s having a hard time, that I just want him to feel safe, and that he’s worth it. I just hope it made him smile.
I’ve really been taking your feedback about being passive to heart, and decided to buy a book on the subject to make sure I’m speaking clearly and directly about how I’m feeling. I did see him last night but we didn’t talk. He was like a shell of himself and completely worn out. It’s hard to see. We both apologized but that was about it. I wish I knew how to be there for him, but I don’t and he says he doesn’t know what he needs and his head is a mess.
We plan to talk about it this weekend. He wanted to call me since we hadn’t gotten to see each other, and I said I’d rather do it in person when we can see each other, and he said he respected that. We had a bit of a spat yesterday. I got mad when he said he was going kayaking for the afternoon, and said something about time magically appearing when it’s convenient, and he didn’t like that. I wished I hadn’t said it even though I was thinking it. He said it wasn’t true, and he was pretty mad at me for it, but he also said he understood why I felt that way.
We talked before bed last night, and I cried. I was just so relieved to hear his voice, honestly. He sounded like a shell of himself. It’s horrible to hear. I just wish I knew how to support him while he’s this busy without getting angry that he doesn’t have as much time for us. It’s hard to reconcile because things are just so different.
He used to wake me up every morning with a message telling me how much k meant to him, we’d flirt and enjoy each other before we started our days. It was like that at night before bed, too. I used to look forward to the texting part of our relationship so so much. Almost as much as our time together. He used to stop by to bring me tea in the middle of the day. Meet me for coffee on my workdays or take me out to lunch. He used to put his phone away when we were together. Words of affirmation and emotional intimacy were just as important to him as they were to me. I feel like I’m dating a different man entirely. I’m trying not to be selfish about this. He warned me that busier times would be hard. I’m just trying to figure out what reasonable expectations are, and if we can make it work with it this way. I want to make it work, I really do.
He keeps saying he’s sorry that things are so busy and that’s he’s just trying to figure out how to balance everything. I just wish when I tell him that I need reassurance that he’d give me something to hang onto while we’re not talking. I miss it so much it hurts.
He sent me a text this morning saying his nerves were shot and he feels like he doesn’t have enough time for everyone. It felt like a prelude. He said he felt terrible for not knowing how to make everything work, but I just didn’t really reciprocate much because he cancelled our date night. I didn’t feel like telling him that I wished k could be there to comfort him like I normally would, because what’s the point?
I was nice enough. I said we’d be okay if we continued to show each other we were a priority, communicated and helped each other feel safe even when we can’t see each other.
Then later he wanted to know how my daughters were doing and some other details, and I just didn’t feel like answering when he said k could open up about it if I wanted. I said maybe later.
I’m frustrated. I’m lost. This is hard.
Horrible, actually. I tried to plan a date where we’d sit down and talk, and he made so many appointments on our date night that he cancelled. I’m feeling pretty cold about it, honestly. This just happened yesterday.
We’ve still seen each other with the girls for another sleepover, but hardly any time alone to connect or talk. And the talks over text in the mornings and evenings are just stale. I don’t know what to do or how to fix it. He keeps telling me he’s sorry he’s so busy and that he’s trying to juggle everything, but he can make time to kayak three times in a week and no time for us. I don’t like the way it’s making me feel. I don’t like that I feel like another task that can’t get done. I feel terrible.
Even when I try to tell him how I’m feeling, he’ll say something like thank you for sharing that with me” without reciprocation, reassurance or telling me how he feels about me, which is odd for him. It’s been weeks since I’ve felt safe. I don’t know what to do anymore.
We are spending the weekend together this weekend, and I am planning on bringing it up this evening. I do find it really helpful to focus on being curious instead of seeking particular answers, because that helps with the anxiety I was feeling about the conversation in the first place. I also talked to my friend about it yesterday and she was helpful in telling me (also) that my thought process about everything happening was perfectly reasonable considering the path that we’re on, and this conversation, too.
I hope to be able to provide space for him and give him the available space to help me understand his response better, and also show him why it kinda triggered me and made me shut down, too. We’re definitely on the same page most of the time, which, is why this was so surprising, but I’m thinking it’s because he was working and k did it over text in the middle of the day, which may not have been the best time. He’s a much different person when he’s not thinking about a thousand things and what he needs to do next. I’m hoping we can figure out how to communicate and connect better when he’s as busy as he has been, because we’re headed into spring and summer when he’s going to be much much more busy with work and kayaking and we’ll have a lot less time to just “chill,” and have quality time. When we started dating things were slow and it was getting cold out so, he had a lot more spare time and time to focus on us and the future, and was comfortable doing so. I just want to make sure I’m keeping connection and communication open even when things are crazy and we can’t talk all the time so that we don’t become so distant that we don’t know how to communicate and be there for each other like we usually do.
You’ve given me so much to think about, and I appreciate it.
When he asked me to be specific, I said “I didn’t know if you were asking for my help with tbese things because you are picturing me there eventually?” And then he said the thing about us only being together for five months.
But he also bought a bed for his spare room, and had me pick it out so the girls could have a sleepover with his daughter.
He bought concert tickets for June, and is talking about Puerto rico this summer. We go to church together most Sundays with the kids.
It’s all just really confusing me, and that response made no sense. I thought I would at least get a tiny bit of reciprocation, and the lack… well, it hurt.
I immediately shut it down and said that I wished I hadn’t brought it up and that I wanted to change the subject because I regretted bringing it up after he said that, so maybe that’s my fault that he didn’t say more? I don’t know.
I also think we introduced the kids to one another (and each other) way too soon, and I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. It’s putting me in an incredibly vulnerable position when we’re not talking about longterm yet, and I don’t love the way that makes me feel at all. He’s met my parents. I’ve met his. But when this thing came up I just got a flat response of “oh wow” and “we’ve only been dating five months” – no reassurance or reciprocation or anything, and it about killed me.
Ok so now that I am where I am with this guy (things are back to normal and going well, he’s acting like he did when we first started talking months ago).
But we still haven’t had the talk about being exclusive or officially together. I have someone local who’s interested and is going to ask me out. Do I think I’ll like him as much? No. But I don’t know what to do. Like I shouldn’t say no just because we “might” be official soon, but I also don’t want to go and hurt him.
Is there a way to approach this with him to make sure he doesn’t get hurt, and possibly help decide if he’d like to cross that line with me? Or should I just leave it alone and wait for the conversation to organically happen?
Help.
I know that I need to slow down and take more time to think rather than be so reactive (about my anxiety) I can be really impulsive and fiery, and that can be bad for a relationship, because it makes me more likely to feel hurt and defensive, and out the other person in the same position.
Be turned the tv on for different light, because he didn’t like the lamp, but then he was distracted by it. I associate tv with disconnection, and unfortunately have since I was a child. When I was little all I wanted my parents to do was turn it off and connect with me before bed, and that feeling never really went away. I tried to express this to him in a non-judgmental way so that he could see that it was simply me expressing my vulnerability, and not something he did inherently wrong. I could’ve easily asked him to turn it off and turn on some music instead, but I didn’t. Why? Because I was afraid of what he’d say if I did. I let my fear get in the way of having a voice, for fear of what would happen following.
I do meditation and yoga, get up with the sunrise, and some other things to help my anxiety, I’m also in therapy. I’m not sure what he has done/is doing, but I know it’s a big struggle for him that crippled him sometimes. I’d definitely love to talk to him more about and try to help him find creative ways to help his too, while supporting him in doing so.
I can’t even tell you how helpful this was. I also realized I was holding back my own vulnerability (and he wasn’t, and never does) and that that was part of what was holding us back. So not only did I edit the script you suggested, I also admitted that I shut down when he turned on the tv because I’ve always associated that with intentional disconnect. I was devastated, and it made me feel far away from him when we were together. It felt so good to go that off my chest and be fully vulnerable and honest with him, and it also made me realize that I have to stop being so afraid to be vulnerable, even when there’s risk involved in doing so. He hasn’t really responded yet, except to say that it was ok (after I apologized for the long messages) and he’s had a crazy day and work. So just waiting to see what he says now.
I realize that I’ve always struggled to show my vulnerability without being accusatory, so I worked really hard to try and show it without doing so (by saying, I didn’t want you to feel judged, I didn’t want you to feel judged – I let my fear get in the way). It felt really good, and I really feel like I kicked us into a new level by being equally vulnerable with the possibility of risk just like be always is with me. I feel so empowered, and ready for whatever happens next.
