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Yeah. I can see that now. The love bombing is so obvious it practically smacked me in the face. He wanted to go so fast and make me feel like his whole world so quickly.
But when it came down to it – he didn’t have the courage or the wherewithal to actually do anything with those words.
I was vulnerable because I had just gone through my divorce, and I’m suspicious that he was attracted to that now, that he knew I’d be an easy target. Maybe not consciously, but he knew.
And when we broke up and he said things like we were in “different stages” and “different places,” it occurred to me that he’d always thought that and never had any intention of sticking around for the longterm.
I’m angry about it now.
I know hurt people hurt people, but this was wrong.
I guess I just need to give myself time to grieve and realize that it’s just not going to happen because it wasn’t supposed to. It still hurts, but it’s getting better. There were days that I would collapse on the floor and hold my arms around myself as tight as I could. That’s passed.
I just need to fill myself up and realize that I never should’ve let someone in that close that fast, and that in the future I need to keep my kids out of the loop for much much longer (they’re devastated, and angry with me, and I understand).
It hurts to let go of everything we planned. The trips we were going to take together. The concerts. The outdoor trips. The time with the kids together. The fires we were going to have. We planned so many things in the future and him saying I did all of that honestly hurts the most, because most of it was his idea. He was always the one pushing and planning. He pushed for the kids to be together. To meet my parents. To make trips and plans. For me to get our weekends without our kids lined up so we could see each other more. He started showing up at church with his daughter.
Him saying I pushed this now is like an alternate reality that he’s placed himself in, and there’s nothing I can do to help it.
I honestly think his anxiety and PTSD got out of control and he just wanted less to do, and I was the thing to go. And I guess that’s ok.
I never should’ve let everything go for him. Or let him take up all of my time. I regret so much of how I handled it.
This was our last conversation. After I couldn’t keep my mouth shut:
He told me there was nothing left to say and accused me of planning our future (even though outside of the simple question I asked that I told you about, I never did). He said my life hinged on nothing but him and my kids (also not true, I just didn’t have time to adjust after he wanted to spend every second with me).
I don’t even know if there’s a point in hoping anymore.
I’m devastated. My kids are devastated, and he’s emotionless and cold.
I’m also clearly going back to and realizing every situation where I contributed to this – there were so many. The more he pulled away the more I clinged. And we both know that that has dire consequences. It’s so obvious now. He got triggered, stonewalled, I got triggered and freaked the heck out. One of it was healthy. I wish I’d had the strength to give him the space he needed then so that we wouldn’t have gotten here, but I wasn’t equipped or ready, because I didn’t even know this was a habit of his until it happened, so it felt like meeting another face with the same name, and I was horrified.
I plan to read both books, and will probably read them by the end of the week.
Can you help me understand the difference between pining and missing him so that I can understand and correct myself when I’m going about this the wrong way?
He’s different since I told him to take the time that I needed and I wasn’t giving up on him. He’s looked at every story I’ve shared on both Facebook and Instagram, and hasn’t done that in weeks. He’s coming up on the weekend and will have some time to finally relax for the first time in almost two weeks.
I plan to return to myself and my habits of journaling, meditating, taekwondo, strength exercise, sunshine, and devotions. All things I used to do regularly and definitely let go.
I have definitely had several breakdowns of tears and panics, but keep trying to work through them.
I have no idea what I’m going to say when he finally does contact me. There’s also the possibility that the time won’t help, but I feel like this isn’t over. We have too much to offer each other, have built too much together to just simply walk away from this because we both got triggered and were assholes to each other about it instead of dealing with it in a healthy and safer way.
How will I trust him again?
How can I trust myself?
How do I not allow him to take up all of my time again? And why is it so hard and scary for me not to let him?
How do we step back into this safely and in a smart and healthy way?
And lastly – how do I know I’m not stepping back into something that is simply on his terms and not mine?I feel a little better today. Still activated, still hurting.. he responded and finally said he was stressed, tired, busy and his daughter was still sick.. he said he didn’t have the bandwidth to respond right now, and I said that was okay, and to take his time (for now), because I wasn’t ready to give up on him yet. I spent the evening without my kids just relaxing on the couch, and realizing that I don’t do this enough. I wrapped all of my alone time around him and his daughter and forgot how to be by myself, and I actually enjoyed it.
I miss him, though. And I hope he can sit down and relax long enough to realize he’s being nuts, and I’m not going to reach out anymore.
I don’t even know if I should’ve said that. I just didn’t want him to feel like not answering in a certain timeframe was some kind of ultimatum, because that just seems like it would make it worse rather than better.
I typed out a whole response, and I think it disappeared for some reason… I never heard back from him. That was almost 24 hours ago.
My mom thinks he just needs time, but I’m losing hope.
I extended him the longest olive branch I possibly could in those messages, and I hoped at least for an “okay” – or literally anything to let me know he’s not giving up on us.
We’ve both worked on ourselves so much. Him with medication and therapy, and myself with therapy and mindfulness. There was so much hope for a healthier outcome for both of us. We used to be open, and let each other know when we weren’t okay, and it was safe.
I’m devastated. I wish there was something I could do to break through the noise in his head, but I’m out of steam.
My heart is broken. I don’t know what else to do.
I guess it boils down to him getting spooked and overwhelmed, honestly. It was a pretty short conversation. He called and was shaking. He said he didn’t know what else to do. I pretty much said okay and hung up because it was obvious he’d made up his mind.
Then this morning I texted him and told him I was praying for him, and asked what he was going to tell his daughter. He said he didn’t know, and I said is advice would be appreciated…
And then I told him I was angry, that if known this was how he handled stress that I never would’ve introduced him to my daughters in the first place, because it isn’t fair to any of us.
He said:
I’m not giving up when things get tough. I’m walking away from a situation that I’ve realized I don’t have the emotional capacity for at the moment due to both of our busy schedules and the difficulties we have finding time. I’m stretched thin. Super thin. It isn’t fair to either of us.
The thing is you are always following my lead. I was the one making every single decision. I feel like the responsibilities of what we do and how we do it always fell on my shoulders. I’m sorry you’re angry.
And then I sent him these:
What isn’t fair is working through it and figuring it out so that we can make this better for both of us. I know you’re stretched thin. We both are. That’s part of being single parents. We knew that before and while dating. The part where it gets hard is the part where you learn something new about each other so you can be stronger.I don’t care about the time, or how much of it we have. We would’ve figured that out, and it would’ve been okay. I’m sorry if I contributed to the guilt, but you put a lot of that on yourself, too. I’m responsible for filling my time and my happiness. I get that. But just because things are hard doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.
I was letting you lead, because I trusted you. Not to put things on your shoulders. If you wanted me to make more decisions I wish you’d communicated that to me, because I would’ve been happy to share that burden. I was trying to let you be the man in the relationship. I’m sorry if that backfired and added to your overwhelm. It wasn’t my intention.
I don’t care if we ever move in or get married. I don’t care if you want to kayak every weekend until the day you die. None of that matters to me. You do.
Just because we realized we were moving too fast doesn’t mean we can’t slow it down and re-evaluate. I feel like you’re seeing a lot of black and white when there’s plenty of grey to work with here. Wanna be not okay for a couple days? That’s fine. Want to take a weekend away to do something crazy? Do it. Want to scale back to one date night a week and see if we can make that work? Also fine. I just want to make sure that you realize that I wasn’t seeing things as determinately as you were. I love you enough to find balance WITH you if you’re willing to do it with me.
I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to break our kids apart. I don’t want any of this.
He then told me that his daughter was sick again, he was exhausted and packed with appointments, and would sit down and read them and respond to them this evening.
I sent him the one you suggested..
He said he wants to talk on the phone tonight. That he’s tired and his anxiety is amped. I said that was okay and let him know when I’d be available.
I’m really just waiting to see what his tone will be when he calls. I’m willing to work through it if he is. We both clearly have a lot of triggers that we didn’t know we still had, and we’re hopeful we’d both healed more than this when we started dating (because we both said so).
If he lends me an olive branch, I’ll be willing to reach for it, if he can admit that he was a little harsh with me Sunday. I hope that he will. I guess we’ll see.
He finally texted back and said he needed some time last night. Then he said he wants chat on the phone later today. I have no idea what I’m going to say.
I definitely have some insecurities to work through, you’re not wrong about that. I had issues with a non-commital guy before and after my marriage which bring up fears. And I was married to a man who made me feel responsible for his feelings 24/7 for 10 years.
I do feel like he wants me to make more space for what he’s going through than me, but wasn’t sure if that was just my insecurity talking. I felt like everything was on his terms how he wanted it, and he was sticking me in a box in the corner and telling me to stay put. That’s the best way I know how to describe how it made me feel. It made me feel silenced and out of the loop. Were these wrong feelings to have?
I just want to feel safe with each other again. I’ve never felt as safe with someone as I have with him until we hit this massive roadblock, and I just wish I could turn the page.
I wish I could work with a coach but I definitely can’t afford anymore financial burden at the moment. I sent him the text and he hasn’t responded. Now I feel like he’s punishing me for asking for space to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. I guess he’s gonna have to come around or I’m gonna have to walk away. I don’t know what else to do anymore.
I still don’t know what I’m going to say to him when we talk Tuesday. Part of me is angry that he decided all of this without me and didn’t seem interested in my thoughts. Part of me wants to tell him to go away and never come back. Part of me wants to ask if we can just start over. I’ve considered saying that what he said sounded final and not like a relationship with a partner but more like a business proposal with a decision already made prior to meeting. I miss him. I’m scared of losing him. But I’m also scared of approaching this the wrong way, and not saying what I need to say
