[Cynthia S]

p.s. Spyce – not sure if I shared but when I have gone to Brian directly in the past saying I don’t think it is good for us to go a couple weeks with no communication and that I wanted to know his thoughts – he has consistently replied that “I need to do better” – that he understood on one level that he needed to work toward more frequent calls or texts. But each time he would reply that way and then nothing changed. Then of course there was the night he said to me: “Thank you for not giving up on me – I know sometimes it has to be hard”. So I recognize I need to take care of myself in this to a better degree than I have up until now and if we are to have a full committed relationship – HE will have to decide that is important to him enough to be able ask for help and to talk to me more consistently.

[Cynthia S]

Hi Spyce,

Last year we met in August – spent time together during August, Sept, October, early November and then he called and we talked for awhile and he decided that did want to go down to FLA for a bit as he had the last couple of years. So circumstances were different. He did leave for a bit but there wasn’t the level of worry about a new reoccurrence of cancer at the same level as this is this year. That said, he does have a tendency to let days pass without a text or call and THAT has been the primary concern I have had with him from early on. I had hopes once he returned in March and we were spending regular time with each other that we would be able to move to a more consistent level of contact. I did bring to him more than once my concern with him sometimes going quiet for a week or two. One time he called after a week or so of quiet and apologized and said he had been moody and didn’t want to expose me to that and that was very helpful.

During July he surprised me with inviting me in closer – asking me to stay over at his place for the first time which was a big thing – I stayed with him a couple days two weeks in a row. Really sweet lovely time initiated by him. Then he took a trip to CO with two of his brothers to go to RedRocks for a concert. He got back in August and seemed to go quiet but we did connect and spent time together. His oncology appts then crept up early September and then again in early October and that’s when he disappeared.

So I think he does have commitment issues and it is more than just the cancer. I think what happened with his earlier relationships factors in – but he also hasn’t expressed an openness to workting through his woundedness so he can heal and show up healthier for us and me. He is more avoidant. So I get caught up feeling on the one hand compassion for his circumstances and still feeling he needs to step up a bit better.

If he calls at some point I will want to talk with him – in person. But I know I will want to address some of the things I have not set boundaries with up until now – I cannot keep letting him slide – doesn’t help him heal his wounds or me to heal mine and doesn’t move us into a closer committed relationship. We have been mostly meeting HIS needs in terms of how often we get together. To be fair when I let him know I needed to be able to share my feelings at times and not just protect him from them he stepped up.

I do think he cares for me. I’ve been in therapy and working on my issues on and off for years. He has not. I need to be more involved with his appts and get to know his family but I’m not clear he believes in me and trusting anyone else enough to move us further along. If he does call – given all of that – I will try to talk more about where I have questions and what I see as valuable in our relationship and see what he is willing/able to share.

Thanks so much Spyce – I hope he is mostly just dealing with the terror you describe and maybe will decide he misses me enough to reach out to me but he knows at this point that he has hurt me with not letting me know what his test results showed when I texted and called and stopped over and he still didn’t let me know. It has been clear that I had a strong interest and caring about what is happening.

I am trying to let go of the dysfunction and focus on honoring all that has been so sweet between us and move forward myself. Take care of myself better. I have allowed thoughts and feelings of him to consume me and that isn’t a great place to be.

All input from you valued!
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Heidi,

I’ve been listening to Abraham and Esther Hicks and that syncs up totally with what you are describing about letting go of the dysfunctional parts and I have already thought about if he called – that I don’t want to return to the same pattern of communication that was there before – that it would need to shift. I am mostly focused right now on being the source of my own happiness and holding the feelings that are centered in love and happiness and being grounded in my own happiness and those parts of the relationship that were healthy and uplifting such as both of us being playful.

Talking in recorder is something I’ve done a little of – may pursue that further.

I’m on way out – thanks for the message!
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Hi Spyce,

I’m kinda all over the place. Doing better than I expected at times but for sure falling apart at times. Miss him so much.
Sent him a light hearted card a day or so ago. Not expecting much in the immediate future – I am feeling clearer and clearer though that even if he calls – that he has some strong wounds and internal struggles with commitment so even with what is joyful and full of goodness between us – that he doesn’t seem to have the beliefs that would allow him to work through his wounds. I hope I’m wrong and he shows up ready to look at what happens for him when we get close.

Meantime I am doing some of the “head” work suggested by Guy in his practice and made a full list of all the ways my guy is not a good match for me and wrote an essay on one of my best qualities so I can use a self-generated positive affirmation and those things do help. My heart still hurts. I am journaling some but am finding it difficult to get moving at times. I talk to my therapist again in a week.

Guy’s videos talk about needing to “let go” and so I am torn still right now. I haven’t completely let go. Part of me wants to allow for the possibility that he could call and we could try to move into deeper waters. I’m right now still allowing for that even though I see all the consistent ways his behavior or going silent has been a pattern from the start that keeps repeating itself but I’m also dealing with all of this blind right now. No idea what he was told by his oncologist. I deserve to be high on a man’s priority list and to have his commitment to work through whatever life throws at us together. He isn’t allowing that yet. Not sure if he will.

So meantime I am getting outside a bit more – sunshine and walks outdoors lift my spirit. I’m trying to clear out a space to do my artwork at my place. I’m getting together with friends. I do volunteer work once a week. And I had been on hold with a dating/matching service and have given them the ok to set me up on lunch meetups. Just to get me out and so I’m not just all focused on waiting for my guy. Our time together was so very special in my life – beyond what I’ve experienced before so I cherish the photos and those things that I have from our time together. I don’t see myself ever getting rid of them. I just need to not sit and look at them – just set them aside as much as I can for now.

I’m upset with him emotionally for now talking to me a little through this. He knows and I’m sure feels I deserve better than all this silence. We were closer than that. He could talk to me more. But I suspect all you and I and Heidi have discussed is what is causing all the silence – his fear of me leaving – his potential cancer.

I just wish I had better peace knowing for sure what was happening with him. But as Guy says in his videos – most of us never get an answer to why someone leaves that is satisfying – he encourages deciding on your own reasons it happened so you have some sense of closure and that’s where I’m at for now. I pray he will talk to me eventually but I know from last fall when he left for FLA that it could be months before he surfaces.

Love him dearly. He was wonderful with me when we spent time together. I am however working on creating my own happiness better so instead of looking to any outside person to bring that happiness – I bring it to all my relationships moving forward.

Sounds good – just need to get there. So appreciate you Spyce for all your caring.
Hugs
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Heidi,

In addition to the TED talk – there is a Lewis Howes interview with Guy that touches on a little more and then also a youtube video Guy has posted about dealing with rejection that breaks down even further the helpful steps for dealing with heartbreak – to balance out our idealized view of relationship to write exhaustive list to refer to actively of all the ways the relationship was not a perfect match – and identifying our positive qualities to use in affirmation to rebuild our self-esteem etc.

I’m actively doing all he suggests – does give very practical helpful advice.

Thanks,
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Spyce,

how do I move forward? how do I heal? what are your thoughts of what to do with all the photos from the last 6
months? pack everything up and put it out of sight?

Ugh. As much as I recognize the things that weren’t a fit – I’m not sure I know how to both value my memories of how great our time was together and let it go.

Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Hi Heidi,

That is an amazing TED talk. Thank you for sharing. Helpful. Need to write my list of all the ways he was
not the right person for me.

Not a peep out of him – hasn’t acknowledged anything I sent since his appointments. Can’t help but be worried that he is not doing well. But I’ve offered my support and he is not accepting it so I cannot do more.

Thank you for your supportiveness.
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Thank you Spyce for all your support and encouragement throughout this past few weeks. I’m a wreck right now but have really awesome friends who have listened and supported me (I’m just sorry they didn’t get to meet him). I am reaching out to friends to do things together and trying to plan outings like to go to theater. I know it will take weeks before all the places we used to go aren’t triggers for me. One day at a time. I’m continuing work with my therapist because ultimately issues and triggers I’m still healing with impact any relationship not just with this man. And I want to be able to breathe and be happy no matter what the man is doing. I’ll be journaling and letting myself grieve in the days ahead.

I do think both of us were very blessed with this relationship – we had truly wonderful times. I know he has put energy into trying to treat each day as his last but hasn’t felt well many days so I agree on one hand that accepting it could be better with me would be something I’d want him to get to – and maybe he’ll get there – right now – it is too much for him to suspend his disbelief.

I’m deeply grateful for the time we had together.
I may stay on here for a another month but don’t think I’ll be on after that.

Many thanks for your compassion and wise words Spyce,
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Spyce,

After therapy session today have resolved that given all his quiet I need to let go and let him work through what he needs to – not saying end it but let him know he has my support and I’d love to have more adventures if/when he invites them but acknowledging his need for space right now.

Will still send him occasional notes but for my own health – until he is ready/able to keep in better communication – I’m just adjusting my own expectations. Esp since I expect he’ll leave for FLA soon. My note to him says:

My dearest Brian Keith,

So much in my heart – just a few things to share right now.

Every second we share is a gift. You are a real source of happiness in my life. Truly the last year – especially this past seven months have been full of joyful play and love (jumping across Eli’s front seat at El Ranchito, teasing me as I stood on back of Eli, watching gecko critters in FLA, the beautiful sunrise, soft service ice cream, tacos, painting together, fireworks, watching ad learning hockey, Sacajawea, Poe, Wordsmithery, foot massages and so many other moments). As I told you I want to be a source of happiness for you and you said I am. That made my heart smile.

Our time in July at your place was special. After Colorado, Roswell appts got closer, you seemed to need more space by end of August.

You dove into juggling vehicles and the RV and tackling things during September. It seemed to take every ounce of your energy. Please be gentle with yourself. I sense you have struggled to keep your energy up and to keep moving forward lately. Whatever your health journey ahead I am still very much here for you (want to be with you, go to appts – you do not need to go through any of it alone). I still want to hear what Roswell told you – it will help me to understand what you are facing. A short text would help me a lot.

I would love to have the privilege of sharing more adventures together – (be a co-pilot in your RV?) – if /when you invite me again. You really are a wonderful human. You are cherished and adored. Perfect? Nope. (Me neither). but what fun you are just as you are!! I am SO grateful for you.

Have no doubt babe, that you have a specially reserved room in my heart – room 422.

With big love and affection,❤️
Cynthia xoxo

[Cynthia S]

Spyce,

So sorry about the loss of your dad.Yes it is my guy who refers to God as Papa which has been sweet to use in texts. I actually felt you were likely a woman but was just curious and given Heidi’s feedback I was wondering if you were a man – might just give me another point of view. I actually think the Men Are From Mars perspective makes some sense. Certainly makes some sense when I consider we had some of our closest time and THEN he pulled back. But of course the potential cancer is another issue.

I know I can’t do this forever and I feel like part of him for one reason or another is pushing me away. Given that we’ve
had some very close moments recently it is harder for me to accept as final.

If he goes to FLA it reduces the contact options since I know last year he didn’t get all his mail until he got back in March.
We had several months apart (Dec-early March) and then resumed talking and seeing each other and he had really missed me and
was more engaged upon his return but this time – right now I don’t know for sure what the health piece is. I texted asking him to please stop by or call but he doesn’t seem up for either right now. I could just go out to his place but timing is everything so if he’s not receptive or there when I arrive – it just would be best for him to okay a visit. But the last I stopped over he said he was sorry he hadn’t called but he didn’t know what to say. That was before I think he got any feedback from his cancer docs this week. That felt like he’d decided to cut things off and didn’t want to hurt my feelings but alot of this may all be wrapped up in the cancer situation.

So right now I’m torn between going out to stop by which likely won’t be helpful to him – but might help me a little – or just continuing to send messages maybe every 7-10 days. Last year when he left fairly abruptly – he did call me before he left and I was smitten enough already to not want to date others.

Now, I’m very seriously attached emotionally after the last 6 months and all we’ve shared. If he got news from his doc that they want to do surgery or chemo – I am sure that will rock him. He’d likely be silent but I wouldn’t know what was happening for sure. I could leave an audio message but have no way to confirm he actually listens to it. Texts he has generally seemed to read.

I’m dealing with heartache and part of me says to just go to his place and try to get a hug and info about what he’s been told about the cancer. Meantime my plan for myself is to continue my own therapy – work on my family of origin issues – some narcissism with my parents – and my abandonment issues that this relationship triggers – and go out to do things with friends – get into my painting and artwork.

Ugh. I know he’s not going to be happy if I stop out but I don’t know how else to learn more about his status right now since he hasn’t called or texted. If he was given iffy or bad news – I have a hard time thinking I should leave him alone with that news. He likely wouldn’t talk much to those around him. I do believe he is headed for FLA either way – I think he has a “flight” response and FLA feels safer somehow to him.

Thanks Spyce – I very much appreciate your thoughts and perspective.
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Heidi,

Thanks for reply to my posts and those ideas. I sent off text to him already this morning given that I know he has oncology appt today. My sense is his capacity for taking in my feelings is not strong right now. He has been distraught (his word). I saw him very briefly at his place last week and he looked not at all himself. I tried a phone call last night and he didn’t pick up.

The last couple days I sent simple messages. Today I sent a fairly short but direct message: “Hi blue eyes, This is a tough passage we’re in. I need you to know I am here for you no matter what. I’m asking Papa to take extra care of you today. I’d appreciate update when you are up for it. Hope you’ll consider stopping in or a call. I know you’ll likely head to FLA soon. I just want you safe, happy. You are missed. You really are pretty damn special (yes even when you are grumpy stubborn recalcitrant too). I love you – Cynthia”

We have spoken about Papa (God) several times over the months. I will likely give him 3-5 days on his own without messages from me so he can breathe and take in whatever test results were shared with him today. He knows I’m here and that I love him. I will consider using some of the language about how I end up feeling when I don’t hear from him – when I next text. He has an awareness that it difficult – recently “thanked me for not giving up on him – that he knew it had to be hard sometimes”. But specific emotions like powerless and lost might clarify for him.

This is a bear. My heart hurts. He’s gone quiet periodically throughout the past year but never this many days in a row. I can hope he gets better news than anticipated and calls me later. I’m saying lots of prayers.

Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Coach Spyce,

Wondering if you are a guy or a woman – just curious given your perspective. 🙂 He has heard from me throughout that I want to go to appts with him but told me early on that he dealt with the appts easiest when he didn’t have to worry about someone else’s feelings and taking care of them. We did recently discuss that he didn’t have many visits while he was hospitalized. I expressed that I was now a new presence that would be with him.

I hope you are right – that he is pulling away just because he doesn’t want to scare me away. He right now (we live in NY) seems to be making plans to leave for FLA soon which he has done the last few years prior to us meeting and then again last winter for a few months and then we started seeing each other once he was back – and have had really beautiful time together the last 6 months.

Until late August into September. As his appts started again. Honestly this is all terrifying and depressing for a partner and as you said we’ve not been together super long. He has felt sick a couple times around me and he knows I was supportive and did whatever he needed to get through it. This of course could rise to a whole new level. He’s been through enough (4 rounds chemo, bone marrow transplant) to know he doesn’t want to go through it all again or worse.

Thank you so much for your support! My friends are wonderfully patient and supportive but all have said they couldn’t deal with his long going quiet spells. Tough tough situation.

Will leave update after this week –
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Heidi,

I appreciate your feedback and agree 100%. He’s had a pattern of going quiet at times and throughout the year we’ve known each other has been going for check-ups/scans/bloodwork every 6 months. Away from those weeks he tries hard to stay balanced – just got tougher recently when it seemed after hitting his 5 year cancer free – that one of the meds they gave him may be creating a new cancer. No confirmation quite yet but that may come this week.

I do need to find language that allows me to share my needs and wants that feels right. I have a therapist I’m working with on my issues as well. I have found with my guy that when I’m with him he opens up on his own. Recently when over he just starting crying and I was near him and he pulled me close and cried into me for awhile. Not something either of us anticipated or he could have identified well if I wasn’t there. He also thanked me recently for not giving up on him – that “it had to be hard sometimes”. But given that his last partner left him in the middle of his rounds of chemo – even though he’s seen me be consistently there for him so far – I’m sure he has deep wounds yet.

I’m trying to take care of myself – maintain my own life interests – work on myself – and just continue to let him know I’m here and care.
No doubt my boundaries aren’t as strong as I need to get them to be – part of my work. I may lose him through him pulling away at some point but for my own peace of mind I need to know I was clear that I love him and I’m here to support him. I can see he is pretty overwhelmed right now. Not sure what your vision would be of me letting him know my wants and needs but it seems to me it would serve us both best if I share those things a bit at a time. I did tell him on my last in-person visit with him that I loved him, that he and I knew our days in this life were not certain and I wanted to spend as much time together as we could and that I wanted to be a source of happiness in his life. He immediately smiled and told me that I was. I was in tears during that sharing because my feelings got the better of me. He encouraged me to share my feelings because a week or so before that I had told him I needed to be able to show my feelings sometimes – not just be protecting him from having to deal with my feelings. So this week will be telling to some degree – I think he may get more information about his status. I have let him know a couple times this past month that I welcome hearing what he is told by his oncologist. In fact that is a need for me – to hear what he is told so I know what he is facing.

Then as you said I can’t decide for him that I’m to be included in his journey – I can only let him know I want to be a part of his life and the journey going forward.

My heart is deeply invested and I’ve enjoyed the best days of my life with him. He’s been sweet, thoughtful, giving and playful. I know his anxiety takes him down a rabbit hole – he recently blurted out that he had been more distraught recently than ever before in his life.

SO yes tricky. Especially so because like so many men – he has not taken advantage of any counseling for himself since his diagnosis 5 years ago.

Thoughts?
Many thanks!
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

I appreciate all of that. I agree he likely doesn’t know what to say to my request that he let me know how to be supportive. it is more energy output to try to think his way through anything right now. I appreciate your encouragement to do what I feel might be good and try not to be attached to outcome.

AFter his appointment this week on Wednesday I will try to connect. Haven’t felt sure about trying the voice messages – know I could get one to him but I’m not sure how they would feel to him. Still considering. My intuition hasn’t yelled “yes” at me so still may try later. Not sure my android would accept a message back – haven’t tried it enough to know and he has a different phone.

I did reach out many weeks ago for support with local support for caregivers and spoke to someone twice but he was abrupt with me the second time saying “well the two of you are clearly not on the same page” while the first time he has been supportive and said “don’t take his behavior personally” – same counselor on phone. my friends have been very supportive but haven’t met him and I haven’t got communication with his daughters so no help there. I may try for help through support organizations again but I know everyone was impacted by covid and there are not any in person groups as far as I could tell.

thank you
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Okay – think I’m back on track here. I posted a few days back that I was concerned that sharing specific examples of things that menaingful moments my guy has created that I valued to respond to his doubts and wondering why I’m with him – might trigger his worries that he won’t be able to do those things once sick or in treatment again so could “backfire” – the very things he has been doing could convince him he should let me go because he won’t be able to keep them up.

This past week he’s been quiet and I’ve mostly just sent brief messages affirming that he is appreciated and important. I saw him briefly at his place this past week but he didn’t look well and I asked if he was okay and he said no. So he has two oncology appts – one today and one next Wednesday and I will reach out afterwards to see if I can learn what they told him after his updated scans/tests. Feeling discouraged right now – that there is little more I can do. Would love to use the imagination concept that James included in his 2nd case study he shared but right now my sense is he barely has energy to do anything right now. I have asked him to let me know how I can best support him but he’s not offering any reply.

Cancer is such an individual thing and how he is choosing to walk this path right now is something I can support but only truly comfort when he allows it. He was allowing it previously but this past month has been pulled back.

Cynthia

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