[Cynthia S]

Spyce,

Sent you a note (yesterday I think) and don’t see it here but hopefully you will see it. I’m off here in a couple days so wish you well and thank you for all the support – please drop me a note as you are able to my email. Gabriel is fairly stable, got a couple text messages from Brian so time will tell. Went on another date with a match from Its Just Lunch tonight – was a nice dinner – not thinking there is much of a connection there but shared my number.

Happy New Year!
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Hi Spyce,

My days are just flying by – it’s nearly 1am here and I should be in bed but keeping thinking I’ll do one more thing!
Yikes.

Gabriel – is half human I think. He is a very special fur child for sure. When we lost his brother Sam to heart disease back 5-6 years ago – I came home from the vet without him and Gabriel knew. He came up behind me and wrapped his front legs/paws around me from behind!! I swear – just was amazing and not something he’d every done before. He knew I was heartbroken and Sam was gone. Sam had his chest fill with fluid and we drained it but it filled back up in less than a week and the prognosis was there was not anymore we could do – and he wasn’t able to breathe. It happened very fast. Of the three littermates – Sam, Trinity and Gabriel – Gabriel has always been the leader. His sister is feisty – talkative and a riot but he is just this regal soul – strong willed and gorgeous.

Time for some rest – have a great rest of the week!
Hugs
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Hi Spyce,

Talked to my vet today and things are a little more stable with Gabriel for the time being and we set plans to try to get him to cooperate for a blood pressure check in a couple weeks from now. So fingers crossed. Appreciating the time we have together right now. Have to just watch for best quality of life day to day. Yes Gabriel has a special relationship with me – definitely the most special of all the animals I’ve had over the years. So will be a very tough loss. thanks for your understanding.

I have to share – if you don’t know of Antonio Borrello – he has a youtube channel I am now subscribed to – he is a doll. Psychologist – very down to earth – very straightforward. Just watched several of his videos tonight. He has over 1 million subscribers and should.

He’s also done some joint live sessions with Helena Hunt that are where I first learned of him and enjoyed his answers to questions called in. Brian – right now I’m just focusing on my own life and less on him. I need to get myself in order and my days fly by – I have so many things I’m into (not the least of which is Gabriel right now). The holidays and winter weather all are here full force right now so I just ordered a few things and sent out a pkg today and wrote close to 50 Christmas cards (phew! – told myself I’d do fewer this year but somehow I have new people to add to the list which is good and it’s a big task). If Brian shows back up – I am clear I will let him know he is very special and dear to me and I am very special and dear to me too 🙂 That I am going to let him call – I’m not going to initiate calls as much as I had been – that is all of course if he resurfaces. If not – I will move on. I love him dearly and I’m clear my capacity for love is huge. I also have a clearer definition of what I deserve now – which doesn’t preclude me being giving but it does require that I get to receive too.

I definitely feel blessed by the love Brian and I have shared and I know he is who he is – comes with quite a history which is making it difficult for him. He’s the only one who can decide if he will decide one day to make himself enough of a priority to work on healing some of his emotional woundedness. I’m also clear that where I am it is not helpful to hear other’s analysis of him or judgements of him – combination of protecting myself and feeling protective of him – even though I recognize those who care about me want more for me. It just doesn’t help in any way for me to hear judgements. The work I’m doing with my inner critic and my inner child as well as Briana MacWilliam’s cognitive mapping -> creative arts therapy approach IS helping.

Well it is late here – so I will sign off for now – thank you for keeping in touch – hope your holidays unfold well and are joyful.
Hugs
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Hi Spyce,

Biggest things right now is I think my time with my very sweet Gabriel is likely coming closer to his passage
over the rainbow bridge. He was very upset by the latest trip to the vet and I hope to talk to her tomorrow
but he is looking less comfortable to me and before we have a painful event like a blood clot or more – I am likely to have to decide to let him go soon. It is breaking my heart. I cannot imagine life without him after our 17 years together. I’m grateful I will have his sister for some comfort but there will be a tough time ahead for awhile. And I’m not sure how she will do without him for company when I am not home.

Brian sent me the red rose emoji on Thanksgiving but I’m not sure if he made his way down to FLA and have not heard more from him. I’m missing him and also getting more clarity on what I desire – what I need in a relationship. Which includes not having to chase after all his good parts but instead wanting him to find himself pushed to give me more because he cannot help but want to – because he values what we have and wants to nurture it.

I’m glad you will be able to reach out – not sure what happened to that last post I made – why it doesn’t show up here but I’m glad you saw it. I’ll be here through Decemeber.

Thank you so much for all your caring and support –
xoxo
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Hi Spyce,

I created a reply to your last post but don’t see it here so resending. My Thanksgiving was okay with my brother – pretty quiet. My sis-in-law is a great baker and cook so it was a feast. Glad you had a nice one.

Lots I’m doing with online classes in addition to my therapy with my personal therapist to work on myself. Journaling, painting, taking a variety of online classes and I’m also subscribed to a weekly writing prompt to encourage writing about your life for one year. Has been challenging and I’m not all caught up but very thought provoking – asks you to write about everything from vacations to memories to noteworthy historic events to relationships. Trying to reorganize how my daily routine flows – used to be in bed by 11 every day but have slipped into later nights and so trying to get back on track. I’ve participated in weekly as well as full week online classes this past year on everthing from the Astrology and Numerology for 2021 to exercises to unravel the related components of Attachment Theory.

So if I understand correctly you are able to get my email from my registration information when I purchased BeIrrestible program? Yes keeping in touch via email sounds good – I have cancelled after this month of December for the forum.

Hope you have a beautiful holidays.
Hugs
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Hello Spyce,

I’m glad you had a good Thanksgiving with family and friends. I saw my brother and sis-in-law and nephew – a small gathering – amazing feast – my sis-in-law is a great baker/cook.

I have already considered the points you raise. Had been thinking about my shifts in how I engage in relationship and that I’d hope to approach some conversations with Brian about what I have learned about myself and how I initially engaged and what I’d raised before to him about it not being good for us or me or him to let so many days go by without communication. I did raise that issue really early on. He acknowledged it. But yes how things started were with him and his needs being the priority and not really talking WITH me about how he was doing throughout. He struggles with it. I’m doing more work with Briana MacWilliam and all her sharing about insecure attachment/disorganized attachment. She shares that those with disorganized attachment who are fearful – have protective ways of responding and part of what they need is to take time to themselves. Time alone.

DO I think under different or A or B circumstances that he’s going to become someone different? No. The only way I see forward in a partnership with him is if HE reflects on his feelings and how he handles them AND feels he doesn’t want to lose me and is willing to dig into some deeper understanding. I agree – and had commented in an earlier email to you that the not “in love” with me is just protective on his part – that he really is – but fully recognizing it would require more of him.

His wife did not have children with him. The most recent relationship of 7-8 years living together and him having cancer in the midst of that. I am sure he has had a part in what was not happening in each of his relationships – no doubt. I do see it. I think he allowed me in closer than he expected to and has more feelings than he anticipated. HE has to figure out what he does with his actions and feelings now. I sent him a text on Thanksgiving that just said “Dear man – sending a big hug and wishes for many smiles and quiet joy today no matter what state (NY? FLA?) you are in. Counting my blessings, Cynthia” – I got a red rose emoji back from him.

What I do see clearly is that I know I want close to if not daily communication in a relationship and he needs space for periods of time. I can do that as long as I know it isn’t personal – it is just him being him. What I would need is him deciding I am important enough to him to tell me he wants me, loves me and wants us to work on things.

So I will give it the next couple months – and work on myself in the meantime. I have work to do on ME.
Thanks Spyce – my plan is to stay here for the next month – then I may leave the forum since its a monthly extra cost but I will
let you know. Have to go for now – on zoom with my therapist shortly 🙂
Have a great week,
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Dear Spyce,

So nice to see your post tonight. Thank you for sharing so much about your parents – I cannot imagine losing parents in your twenties – takes a special kind of strength to move through that. One of my former students – now in his early 20’s – lost his mom when he was out with her one day – just the two of them and she suffered an aneurysm. He has been sent an angel in the form of a beautiful young woman and I’m so grateful he has that in his life. I’m very proud of him for making it from age 8 when he lost her to graduation from high school into his adult life in positive ways. Losing my mom as I’d known her into a person with pervasive brain damage was a different kind of loss – she was here but wasn’t the person I’d known.

I do talk to my mom and I could probably write letters to them both. I’m mostly feeling less of a need to talk things through with the two of them and more just right now recognize and give myself credit for all of who I am.

Cell phones and texts and emails have so changed the landscape from when I was growing up as far as commuicating goes. I have a few friends who don’t answer texts for hours or days – not at all a reflection of who they are or our relationships so I get what you share about having to let some relationships go. It becomes a little trickier as you get to retirement and have lots of friends who are still raising kids and or working full-time so less free. Most of my friends are still working full-time. I really want a male partner who is close to my age so I can have someone to share more with – I get to have lunch with some of my friends or do things with them but several live a few hours drive away so it just isn’t easy to get together. My friend Jenny is coming up to NY from FLA this week and we plan to get together before she goes back but I’m fairly certain she isn’t vaccinated and our local covid rates just started creeping up here so a mask mandate just got re-implemented for the county I live in. The past year of hibernating made it clear that being without social contact wasn’t great for me – or any of us. The time I had with Brian was a godsend in the midsts of all that so I’m sure that is part of what is making this all challenging for me too. (Not clear what is causing the increase in our local cases and I’ve been Pfizer vaccinated and got booster). Thanksgiving and Christmas last year Brian was gone to FLA and I wasn’t vaccinated so I spent it alone. This year I will see my brother and his wife and my nephew – just a small gathering.

It’s true I’ve given Brian many chances. I understand you saying he doesn’t deserve my love. Not sure love is always a matter of deserving it although my heart opened to him for all he DID do to deserve it. Last fall he left fairly abruptly for FLA and I heard little for a couple months and certainly could have not taken his call or re-engaged with him based on lack of deservedness then. If I hadn’t talked to him and forgiven and kept an open heart I would never have had so so many beautiful shared times with him between March and September. And I don’t regret any of it.

I think how much time and energy I give moving forward does correlate to his deserving- ness. If I deny myself a full loving partnership for a long period of time I would agree – that wouldn’t make sense given how he’s pulled back in the last two months.

Right now his spot in my heart and my love for him is strong. It is love for being who he is – faults and all. I do have to do Me right now. I love him for all he HAS shown me over a 9 day 24/7 trip as well as over the past year. I also know Brian is dealing with a high level of fear and I’m not sure any of us can know what it is to get through chemo and a bone marrow transplant and then have to face a return of cancer. I do hear you Spyce and I will look at this all harder if I move to a new relationship or dating again – right now I am in the midst of what we’ve already done and created. Right now I need to breathe for a bit – let my heart heal. There is no just turning off the love I feel right now. As I said – I need to find a soft plush space to let those feelings for him rest and find my way slowly forward. I’ve had difficult endings with men before but each of those partners were much more selfish than you’re judging Brian as being, so I hurt and cried and then left.

I do know I deserve regular calls and communication and a man who is able to commit to working through issues – hopefully has already started some of that work before he gets to me. I know that is likely beyond Brian’s capacity this upcoming year. I think he knows I need and want and deserve more than he has to offer so his pulling back is because he knows he’s not aligned with what I am wanting or what he can get himself ready to share.

Of course I deserve reassurance that he isn’t abandoning me just as much as I wanted to reassure him but then again I’m not the one who shares a story that I was rejected so many times – it is so on the surface with him. And my history is of abandonment by my parents but Brian and I haven’t talked about that much – I’ve just suggested that he and I have some similarities in terms of things we need to heal yet. If he returned I would certainly share more of that but right now we are where we are and I need to take care of myself best I can. I know there are things that help and things that make this hurt more so I just need to listen to that direction from my heart and do my best.

Yes I have a lot going on that I deserve support with;and right now that support is coming from my close friends. In my relationship with Brian from early on there was a cancer-related urology procedure he had to go through within the first 8 weeks of us meeting so that took center stage. And the continual need to monitor and go in for scans every 5-6 months as well as him regularly reporting he didn’t “feel well” left me feeling compassion and patient at the start of the relationship. The only way to get further and for me to share more of my needs would be for him to invest more, be willing to risk more of his heart and I do think it’s likely his fears have kept him at a distance in his previous relationships. His girls – the 4 of them are the miraculous gift in his life – because he loves them dearly and I am certain they have taught him and continue to teach him more and more about love and relationships.

So in the last few months as I took my cats in for their annual exam and much of that came up – Brian was not in touch. So right now he doesn’t know I’m going through the latest updates with Gabriel and I haven’t wanted to distract from the direct
issue of us just having communication.

I did get some better news on my cats this week – took Trinity in for a xray to follow-up on her anti-biotic treatment 2 weeks ago and her xrays look good so we’re going to try a dental cleaning and anesthesia and I’ll be praying she does ok with that Dec.23rd (that was soonest we could get her in for the dental). Gabriel is stable for now. He is just in a watch and monitor situation – continuing his meds and loving on him and hoping we can keep him comfortable for months to come. The vet who is taking over his care (my other vet just had his wife give birth VERY early so he’s out for a couple months till their newborn is doing better) – reviewed his needs with me and his tests and this new vet this week said she felt Gabriel is fairly stable for now. So hopefully I won’t lose him as soon as I had feared. Just have to take him in for BP checks every 8 weeks. I do love my fur kids. (Brian didn’t grow up with pets so hasn’t had the experience of loving one as family for a full life-time plus I know emotionally right now he seems challenged to just take care of his own needs). Yep I know Spyce – you’re wanting more for me – I want more for me too. It will come.

I need to get myself squared and settled so when my King shows up I am ready for him. 🙂

Love to you too! Have a good holiday and stay safe!
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Spyce,

Hello and thank you for all that. I agree – sending a card for Thanksgiving really just seems to help me fill the hole for myself of not having contact with him right now – it has less to do with doing it for him. I’m very sensitive to anything I do that feels like grasping or clinging. I sent one text I think over the last 3 weeks since I saw him. I agree he needs to feel missing me – I do think he really shuts off his ability to really connect with those feelings much of the time. When we first started to date he would tell me he missed me but after a few months – he seemed out of touch with that or else just didn’t want to admit those feelings.

I agree that he isn’t acting like a grown man when it comes to how he is acting in our relationship. Something happened I’m fairly certain in his childhood that has left him perpetually stuck and yes until he decides to work on it – he won’t make progress.

I went to a theater production of Jimmy Buffet’s Escape to Margueritaville yesterday with a fellow SPCA volunteer – a young woman age 31 and it was nice to go out but the storyline of the play was about couples and love and being on the beach and it took me right into my feelings for Brian so I’m doing a little better but still vulnerable right now.

Any text I send him isn’t with any idea that I will say the right thing or somehow change him – it really is just me letting him know I haven’t disappeared because of his cancer situation and because of his well practiced story that he is always abandoned. But last fall/winter when he went to FLA it was 2 full months of little communication before he called me and I know it’s likely at this point that he won’t reach out for awhile. He was pretty clear when we visited last at the end of October that he needed time to figure out what he wants to do. I really do think Spyce that he does what he knows how to do – I’m moving more and more toward better groundedness for myself – even if I still have grieving to do and I’m still vulnerable. I am feeling like I want to accept that this whole relationship was a tremendous gift – has moved into better awareness and understanding of how deeply I was affected by my parents behaviors – and I’m starting to shift into a stronger sense of my own worth.

I’m thinking the universe may have him show up again at some point and my response will likely be to present him with a stronger version of myself that lets him know that I KNOW I am worthy and who lets him know I want a strong partner who will be there for me without long absences and who will know he is WORTHY as well. Ask if he is up to working on that? Let him know what I need – that I have great gratitude for all we’ve shared and would love to share more but only if we can both start to shift to a healthier spot with work on our communication and growth together. I am back working on Brianna MacWilliams materials as well as my work with my therapist so I am confident I will make my own progress and as you said – by the time Brian shows up again – I may not see him as someone I can fit with anymore – I’m not there yet. The feelings are still too strong and memories too fresh of all of our intimate conversations and the ways he reaches for me when we are together.

You asked about talking to my parents – my mom got ill back in her 40’s so her last 3 decades she had limited ability to communicate – she had a viral episode that resulted in pervasive brain damage – so I had started to have more direct conversations with her and then she got sick and much of her ability to think and communicate on the same level was reduced. I did talk to my dad once when I was so angry with him for not working things out better with my mom prior to her illness – because she had talked to me about how upset she was with him and my response back then was to tell her to leave – but she had kidney disease that left her feeling she couldn’t find employment that she could do to support herself on her own so she told me she wouldn’t/couldn’t see a way out. So we never got as far as talking more about OUR relationship and I hadn’t started therapy yet so it wasn’t until after her brain injury that I started my own work and by then couldn’t really address it very well with her. Interesting isn’t it that I signed on with these two adults for my parental units as I came into this life?

Has been quite the ride. But I’ve come a LONG way and now that I’ve met Brian – I’ve come even further. As infuriating as his behaviors are for sure Spyce – and I do feel anger at times – I do know I deserve much better and much much better communication – I am not at all sorry for all we shared this past year plus. It was truly the best of my life. Sweet beautiful time shared. (I did send him a Thanksgivng card – cuz truly that’s just me – sending out cards – I sent several others off to friends and family. Brian has talked to me about his feelings about showing gratitude a few times – highly values it and we often told each other that we appreciated things the other did – and that was some of what I put in his card esp given that it was Thanks-giving.)

It is likely good that he is not communicating right now – I need some time to pull myself up and into a stronger spot. I need some time to grieve the loss and get stronger with being able to go out and really enjoy myself. It isn’t coming super easily right now. I miss him. It is still wild to me to experience someone who has so much he has shared with me while at the same time being so tangled up that he stops communicating.

The guy I met from the matching dating place talked to me briefly a couple weeks ago and I told him maybe I could talk more after Thanksgiving but I really don’t know that I want to do anything with him. He’s a nice guy but I know I’m not ready for anything more with him. He knows my one cat is ill so I may just say that I’m still on hold while I attend to his needs for extra care. I think I’m best off to wait till after Christmas into the New Year and then see where I’m at as far as dating others goes.

Meantime I have girlfriends I can spend time with and I’m thinking that will function best for me for the short-term. I am spending hours of my time pretty much daily – most days of the week – learning more about attachment issues and going through the different units Brianna MacWilliam shares. I reached out to her and asked for direction on what might be best for me next in terms of her many different units online and she suggested one that will be coming up as an offering this week. I started to learn her programs and approach back a year ago and then stepped into a few other things so just now as I’m revisting her posts I see that she is a great fit because she also refers to Abraham and Esther Hicks and EFT tapping and things right up my alley so I’m going to continue to explore that while my therapist works with me on “making friends” with my critical self and my IFS parts.

The upheaval in the world and our country is not making for a light environment around us and not easy for us HSP types. I am pretty appalled by the shootings and violence we are seeing across our country. Tough backdrop to our personal lives.

I agree that I need to be less available to Brian and so I am going to go quiet and put things in his hands. He needs to connect with his feelings for me – a higher felt sense of urgency to communicate with me and not let me go. But I know he
may not get there – and truly am grateful we had the healing time we did with each other when I saw him 3 week ago. I needed that as a sense of caring closure of sorts with him. That darndest thing is seeing all the flaws I see – his likely incapable of doing more self – and still loving him as I do. The men I’ve dated before were either just off timing wise – just out of a divorce or some thing like that or they were additionally very disturbed – with bi-polar or some other angry acting out – and I’ve made it clear to the Universe that I am not to be sent anymore of that abuse. Now I need to be just as loud and clear that I also don’t accept or want someone who will go more than a couple days without a call or text. And that I want a man who will be my man and be available to me as I am to him and who will be all those things that Brian shared with me as well – playful and sweet and artistic and so much more.

Hope you had a good weekend Spyce. I will likely be seeing my younger brother and his wife for Thanksgiving and hoping we all stay safe. Our covid rates locally have spiked again so we’re all back in masks for often. I have had a Pfizer booster and pray we can get rates down again after the holiday. Hope your holidays are safe and beautiful with your King 🙂 and your friends and family.

This Thanksgiving I am very grateful for James and that he found you and put you on my path. So so appreciate you Spyce.
Wishing you and yours a beautiful Thanksgiving.
(wondering – you have any pets?)
Love and blessings
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Spyce,

You also asked where it comes from and where else I do the putting others’ needs ahead of mine? I think it undoubtedly comes from my mom’s emotional needs were front and center throughout my childhood and if my mom got upset my dad would just do whatever it would take to help her calm down. If I was in conflict with my mom he would never try to understand my point of view – don’t think he had any idea how to do that. He would just back up my mother. So that’s where that comes from. Goes back to my childhood and feeling abandonment by my mom and my dad each in their own ways.

I think I have done the putting others’ needs ahead of my own often in relationships I’ve been in. This relationship with Brian is really a turning point for me – I am becoming more aware of my pattern and learning to ask for what I need. That is a really new idea – doing it more regularly.

I think I am pretty assertive advocating for others like my students at school and nudging my friends to go after what they want/need.

Hugs
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

* that was a typo – it is Brianna MacWilliam not Branna

[Cynthia S]

Hi Spyce,

So grateful for our connection. Yes – know about Attachment theory – NOW. I didn’t before Brian entered my life and then I found out more about it and have discussed it some with my therapist. I was clear soon as I started reading up on it that Brian and I likely had similar wounds and that was why we connected the way we did. That there is a comfort and understanding between us because we’ve both got similar wounds to heal. There is a therapist who focuses on attachment issues online and I went through some of her sessions about Healing Attachment Wounds (Branna MacWilliam). I am clear I am an anxious attachment person hopefully working toward better awareness and healing and Brian seems clearly to be both wanting attachment and then fearful of it so what is considered fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment). My education in graduate school never taught about attachment theory and I worked with kids not adults so my focus somehow never had me reading up or learning about adult attachment theory or issues.

The piece that seems most challenging is the chemical/brain piece and how to rewire that as part of my healing. And yes Brian may not find his way back to working on our relationship.

So here’s a question: why are you willing to wait for him? What do you think is going to happen? And what does your gut tell you will?

Those are good questions. My simple answer to why I am willing to wait for him is because letting him go – is more than I know how to deal with emotionally. My love/need/appreciation for what it feels like when we are together – is why I want to wait. I CAN imagine those areas and ways in which he doesn’t meet my wants and needs in relationship, and recognize that he falls short in terms of his ability to be fully commited and clear about his love for me. I appreciated you saying that I could be a supermodel and a millionaire and still never be enough for him. I feel sometimes like there is a part of him that tells him part of why he doesn’t feel sure about me is because I don’t fit his ahtletic type or beauty type. But he’s also told me I am pretty and always let me know when he liked myj outfits so I think basically it is the attachment issues that are keeping him from fully engagingj in relationship. That breaks my heart for him. Truly. It is so important to me that he be and feel well and have the best life possible. Beyond the above, I am struggling to let go enough to allow another man in. I need some kind of plush beautiful resting spot to place Brian in and fully release him. (As you said too if he came back in 3-6 months or so – that would be a happy surprise – and it is not clear to me YET that I will walk away enough to open myself up for another man to have shifted where I’m at and that I wouldn’t really want to return to the relationship with Brian. Although I have to say I have felt some shifts in my thinking and how I view him – I am starting to value myself more and know if there is a next relationship with someone else – I will be setting different boundaries. And I did things a little differently even with our exchanges when I was with him two weeks ago).

What do I think is going to happen? If I waited in my magical fantasy world he would reflect on his behavior and come back apologizing and sharing some small beginnings of recognition of how he pulls back continually and valuing me fully and wanting to work on us. that’s the fantasy.

What does my gut tell me? My gut tells me and this recent visit clearly showed me he still cares for me and still has love for me but my gut says that given what I am experiencing with my own struggle to heal and how much work it is taking – that I’m not seeing him opening himself up to that. I want so much for him to get there – for his own good – the idea that he could go through his whole adult life not experiencing more of a full loving partnership hurts my heart. But I guess I should take comfort in knowing I gave him a look into what it can feel like to have a woman accept and love you without rejection. I wish he could see it and say it me – but he has lots of questions about love and what it looks like and feels like. Lots of self-exploration to do.

I’m likely sending him a Thanksgiving card and thinking over what I will say in it – I think I will just affirm my love and caring for him. That us maintaining respect and caring for each other is super important to me. That I’m beyond full of gratitude that Papa introduced us. And leave it at that. What do you think?

You’re the best – thank you so much.
Hugs
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Good morning Spyce,

So good to see your posts and I cannot thank you enough for connecting with me here. I agree with all you are saying and agree too that he does want the connection and yet he is still attached to his story – repeats it often – that he has been rejected so many times (while he sits there with a woman who loves him and accepts him (me)). I so appreciate your understanding of where I am at with all of this. And yes I recognize the way our (Brian’s and my) childhood and other wounds mirror each other – the difference being I am actively doing the work on identifying and clearing my own path to my worthiness and Brian needs to do the same but hasn’t found a path to unearth his stuff that feels right for him other than withdrawal/being a hermit.

Is Brian capable? Only if he does the work to heal and opens himself up to trust himself, value himself. He clearly
has some additional stories in this – referred to a part of his past that he hasn’t revealed to me altogether yet when I was there the other day. Didn’t tell me all of it but said enough to let me know there is even more than I already know to his history. I asked for him to tell me more and he said no so it may be there is stuff there that he thinks would make me walk if I knew it and who knows maybe he is right.

I am clear I need to take care of myself by not revisiting the many sweet moments too often right now. It pulls me apart. I had felt in the first 6 months of this year that even when he faded for a week or two he would eventually surface but right now if I don’t communicate by sending a text or trying to call or stopping in – all would be quiet for weeks I think. I’m thinking I want to let him know I need him to call me when he is ready. I think he knows he isn’t ready and needs to right himself – just not sure if he has a full idea of what that can involve to get himself there.

I am clear that I need a man who is going to show up already into his own work – in a very aware and ready way. Brian has some insights and some awareness but doesn’t seem to see himself as worthy enough yet to totally commit to his own work and to work with a partner in a relationship. At least it doesn’t appear so – maybe he’ll show up in a few months and tell me he is feeling more confident and ready. I do think he is right that he needs to do some work on his own which means I need to find my own path for awhile. You’re right of course that no matter who the person was – he isn’t ready to bring himself fully to a relationship yet. It is about him – not me. It is just tough sometimes to remember – I get off track – taking his pulling back personally. I’m best centered when I have clarity that it isn’t about me.

And I’m clear my work in therapy is going to be a process for the next few months at least that will need my attention. I’ve been doing online courses, seminars, reading and working with my therapist so there are times when I just need to journal or meditate or crash. So I think given that part and my need to do that work to bring a fully functional woman to a relationship/partnership – all I can do is let him know how special he is to me – and ask him to reach out when he is ready to. ?

Feeling my way through this day by day.
Hope your CA weather is warm and comfy – we are at a high of 60 today which is a treat – looks like it will be going down
again into the 40’s tomorrow.
Hugs
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Spyce,

Quick additional note – session with my therapist today – beginning work on my critical self and during the session
my therapist commented that it sounded like Brian is trying to let me down gently – doesn’t want to hurt me but is
backing away. I’ve seen this is him and yet at same time recognze him still caring for me. Tough to let go. I know
if he is going to get to a stronger place with me it appears he needs time on his own to come to that – to decide
more decisively that I am important to his life on a more regular basis.

Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Spyce,

Part of what he says in terms of explaining why he isn’t fully committing is that he loves me but isn’t sure he is “in love” with me. I think that is his fear of getting hurt speaking. But he has said that right along so I’m uncertain – I think sometimes that his attractions to me aren’t a complete fit for him but then he is affectionate and warm and reaches for my hand and I just find the puzzle pieces a bit of a confusing thing. Then again he also said as I was getting ready to leave this last time that he cannot commit to the future when he is still figuring himself out.

I am with you on all you mentioned. It is infuriating – oh yes I get there – at times because his habit of not answering the phone for periods of time and retreating is something he’s apparently done for awhile – doesn’t do it as much with his family but he does say he refuses to be tied to his phone so he doesn’t always keep it in his pocket when he’s working outside or doing things but of course that doesn’t explain no calls for days and weeks on end.

How sad to be in a place where the hurt you fear is so big it keeps you from working through discomfort when you have had it demonstrated to you over and over by this woman in front of you that she is devoted and trustworthy. Last I was with him he hugged me and said “you are so worthy”.

So he is at war with himself. I am participating in a summit online this week with something like 40 speakers on the topic of Empaths, Sensitives and Intuitives. Good for me. The first speakers to start the week were Harville and Helen. I haven’t read alot about Imago but listening to Harville Hendrix today it just confirmed what I suspected and told me that kind of process could be really helpful to Brian and I both. Brian has told me a few times too that he doesn’t want to “disappoint me” which I heard Harville Hendrix bring up today in describing the wounds we can carry from infancy. Given what a big reader Brian is I am thinking I may pick up the Safe Conversations book Harville and Helen have out and see if any of that resonates for Brian. The acting as if he could take it or leave it – feels to me like an emotional disconnect that he goes to – a protective mechanism he uses to feel safe. He was not cold at all toward me while I was with him – so something isn’t well put together for him. I think too there are parts of his history he still feels I could reject him for and it feels wiser to just stop here.

My road trip with my friend was just tagging along on a short drive she had to take so I got to eat lunch with her and hang out for some girl time. Nothing exciting but she did say I sounded better after she listened to my updates. It has been hard to share with friends when I want them to know the positive things with Brian while also needing to cry sometimes.

I think he does know he is hurting me and doesn’t want to but he seems to only see letting me go – to find a better partner as a solution – he doesn’t feel sure enough of himself to make the commitment he knows I am looking for. I’ve also given him little if any cause to worry – I have been here unconditionally for him to return to – needed to have set that bar higher up front; and given his history I went easy on all of it.

Another piece with Brian that makes him special is his spiritual awareness – he has chakra cards – and he knows a bit about tarot cards. Things that align with my metaphysical orientation. That coupled with his artistic/creative side makes for quite a unique, delightful guy in my eyes.

Letting go feels like letting go of my heart. When it makes no sense. I totally hear and agree that I deserve a man who is a Brian but able and ready to be with me full-time. Just don’t know how to walk away from this man. I’ve walked away from men multiple times before but by the point I did I knew I had to go.

The way he responded to my asking about his cancer scans – was very defensive and not at all normal so I have to think that even if they didn’t tell him there is more cancer showing up that he is pretty scared to death and rather than talk it through with me – he is hiding from it – as he said to me he is trying not to worry or think about it.

Ugh. I’ve learned a ton this past year. About myself and about being in a committed relationship. The joy and happiness have been a revelation. I texted him that I’d like us to get in a visit before Dec 1. So I may go out this week or next to see if he’s still in NY and hope for a visit. I’ll be happy if he stays in NY for the winter but I’d actually be surprised. Our temps dropped this week and with windchill it isn’t very comfy out there right now. So I’m sure he’s gonna want to get to warmer temps. I’m sure his parents are likely leaving for FLA soon if they haven’t left yet. I have a friend who lives in the Clearwater area and I’m hoping to get to visit her this next few months at some point for a few days. She’s pretty busy but I mentioned to Brian that I expected to be down in FLA at some point and would let him know when that happened.

I will continue to work to unravel my heart strings so I can maintain some balance. Not easy. Thank you for all your
supportive caring words Spyce. I feel pretty isolated at times. Even with my friends – I’ve been on my own too many years – I am ready for a partner to share a home with. I’m sure my friends care and I have a couple friends who are great about calling to follow up and check on how I’m doing or at least text to ask. I guess I still judge myself – I have a man in my life who is not fully making himself available or is unable to right now – that I shouldn’t have allowed that to happen.

If I get a chance to talk with him more I plan to put more out there but I know he can only tolerate so much before he shuts down or backs up – he needs slow. But there are sometimes moments when he is more relaxed with me and we can talk a bit more – I just need the time with him to get there.

Have a good week Spyce. Will let you know any updates.
Hugs
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Hi Spyce,

Actually – although the divorce is not finalized – he has been on his own for 3 years. Beyond me (esp given my own experience with a divorce) that both his ex who was the one to leave and end it, and Brian have not pursued finalizing the divorce. She had a new partner before they split and lists herself on fb as “in a relationship”. Crazy stuff from my point of view – an extra weight he carries with him and he has talked to me several times – always something HE brings up – that he needs to get the divorce finalized. That he feels it is an emotional factor that keeps him from moving forward. That he has goals and finds he doesn’t achieve them and when he asked himself why – that he felt it was not having finalized the divorce. And yet – they split in 2017 (married in 2006). So yes I think he didn’t imagine he’d find me the way he did and at the same time I think he was putting out to the universe a desire for a stable partner who would stand by him and shared with me about his cancer history right up front which to me demonstrated a desire to know I’d not be scared off by that. That he was looking for a new partner not just a light fling.

Yes there are a number of things with Brian that I don’t have clear answers for right now and more to his story than he has shared yet. Physical touch and Quality time are what he scored highest in for Love languages. They are definitely mine. As far as he goes – I can say it speaks to what he is like when we are together. The first few weeks after we met in person we took day trips to Lake Ontario and Glens Falls and watched sports games (he’s into football, hockey, baseball, NASCAR) at my place, he taught me more about hockey since I hadn’t really learned its rules. He went to many local restaurants and out for ice cream near my place. He used to love talking for a good hour on the phone with me. He’s sweet with holding my hand – always reaches for it if we are walking together. As we got into the fall of 2020 – he had a procedure he had to go through for monitoring his cancer that was not fun and the week before he started withdrawing. My first awareness of how much that would trigger me. But he had shared that he had a teddy bear he kept with him during his hospital stay/chemo/bone marrow transplant 4 years ago, so I found a teddy bear and sent it to him at home during the 14 days or so that we didn’t see each other around his procedure in October. Once he felt better we saw each other again fairly regularly – couple times a week – often lacyed scrabble or colored together (adult coloring pages were something he enjoyed doing to relax). But he definitely was a bit more pulled back over the time of his procedure. I saw him during Oct/Nov – he sent me a photo of a rose in his garden at home. Thought we were doing pretty well – then on Nov 21 – about 4 months into our relationship – he called and said he’d decided that he was going to spend part of the winter in FLA as he had been the last few years. His parents owned a house down there and had an extra unit he had stayed in but they were now selling that house for a smaller one and he would no longer have an easy place to stay. But overall I wasn’t too surprised he was talking FLA because he had mentioned it often and had mostly said “but I’m not going to go this year” but in my mind I knew it was still a possibility. He said he’d be back around February – he had an oncology appt to keep here.

When I think over where we’ve grown to be in the last six months I know he and I had barely scratched the surface during the early months together. He was sharing more and more of his feelings and what drew me to him was his intelligence coupled with his affectionate nature and that he was very aware of current events, the news and politics and we were on pretty much the same pages – I was shocked he hadn’t gone to college – he should have – but his dad had influenced him to get a civil service job like he had and so Brian took the test for being a corrections officer and went right into that work. He was an athlete in high school – a wrestler and played other sports – his family had moved every couple of years – and by high school I think he was pretty popular with the girls which eventually led to him becoming a dad with his first daughter and then moving onto the next longer term relationship in which he had three girls although they didn’t marry.

Anyway, in November 2020 I was glad he called and talked with me but he had already decided he was going and hadn’t discussed it with me – so that left me feeling disappointed that he hadn’t felt enough connection and partnership yet to talk it over with me ahead of making a firm decision or even act like what I thought mattered. At end of our phone call I told him I really wanted to see him before he left. I hadn’t asserted myself like that before and he kinda laughed a little when I said it but when I asked what day he was leaving he said he wasn’t sure yet. I texted him later to confirm a possible time to visit and he didn’t answer. This was my first real experience of him withdrawing. He just left and didn’t make time to see me beforehand. I figured out he left and texted asking that he let me know he got to FLA safely and he did send a short text letting me know he was there safely.

While gone I heard little from him during December/Jan. I sent an occasional text and gradually by late January I started getting occasional poetic text messages saying how much he valued me/missed me. What I learned later was he had also been seriously injured sometime after arriving down to FLA – got into some verbal exchange that resulted in him being jumped so him going quiet during December and January was in part because he was recovering. I know this is real because I could feel the injury to his shoulder and collar bone when he got back and he still has some discomfort and pain. Haven’t been able to get him to see an orthopedist – anyway I learned about all that after he got back to our area in March. The week before my birthday in February I was trying to decide if I should mention my birthday again – I had shared it in a texts before he left but didn’t expect he’d remember – but he ended up calling me the week before my birthday (Feb 18). He asked if I would fly down there but at that point the covid vaccine wasn’t readily available and Florida was certinly not the safest place to be nationally so I said I couldn’t see it being safe. So we had some long hour long convos and then by March he started talking about coming back. He ended up pushing his oncology appt back to April but he came home just as I got my 2nd covid shot on March 20th. He asked if he could talk to me while he drove back so I spent a couple hours on the phone with him during his drive back.

Part of what he said to me was that he felt he should do things as if he were going to die early. That one of the things he wanted to do was go to Disney again and he asked if I would go with him. So we talked about going to Disney and I started researching planning a trip to Disney. After multiple convos he then suggested we could also go to FLA – maybe a trip to St. Augustine beach which is ultimately what we did. So when he returned we saw each other within a day of when he got back. I learned of his physical injuries and we started doing things together. He had clearly missed me – so he was more available emotionally at first on some levels – but he was also seeming to me to be recovering from the trauma of his injuries and it took awhile for him to feel back to his normal with phyical touch.

Throughout our relationship – it was how I felt being with him – just made me feel content and happy – spending time together that was much of the pull for me. He often melted into me/snuggled during our early time together but I think more recently he has felt unwell – he would occasionally refer to not feeling great – and that it sometimes reminded him of how he felt when he was first diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.

Our convos during March and April were about taking camping and road trips and getting an RV and taking a trip to St. Augustine beach. I thought about the fact that I was walking into this unknown with someone I had only know for a short time and was it safe to? do but from the start with Brian I was at ease and felt safe and that I trusted him at a deep level and he never gave me any reason to doubt that throughout our drive down or back or while in St. Augustine. I’m not a big beach girl but I enjoyed the 9 day trip and driving down with him – he did all the driving. I got sick at one point because I think I was dehydrated and over sun exposed and he offered to go to the local Publix to get me anything I wanted and just was sweet and attentive. At one point we were watching hockey in the hotel room and he was on the second bed when he scooted over to the bed I was sitting on and hugged me and said “I am growing fonder and fonder of you”. He made sand castles – we got up early one morning and watched a gorgeous sunrise together – and remarkably were together 24/7 for 9 days and had no arguments or conflicts.

I love the flirtation between us, I love him taking my hand when we walk together, I love his protectiveness, and his ability to be in the moment. I asked him why he had asked me to go with him to FLA – when he could take anyone. He had clearly given this thought because his response was – you know why? because you show appreciation for our time together and things I do and that he felt others did not. I have been very deliberate and tried to speak to share things with him from the start – to let him know when I had reflected on my own behaviors and wanted to improve them and that I wanted him to always feel respected by me. I don’t see him as “perfect” by any stretch. He didn’t grow up with animals and has never had a cat or dog for its full life span so that is missing in his life experience and so he doesn’t fully get what that is about which I wish he did – and I do think having a dog would do wonders for him but he’s expressed not feeling he knows for sure he can take care of himself let alone have the responsibility of caring for a dog. And I am a big animal lover and had cats in our home growing up and I’ve had 3 cats over the years that I’ve been with when they were put down so my heart in very much in that. But I’ve also seen Brian be respectful with my cats and watched him delight over a dog when we went to Letchworth State Park last fall and he just stopped to watch it with it owners and he got this huge smile on his face.

It is his heart truly that had captured my heart. His heart for his girls, his heart for those he cares for. He has a tender heart. And he can be cranky and say things I disagree with for sure – but the big core things – we are in sync with.
I love his spontaneity singing around me – told me no one else has heard him sing – I think he actually sings more often than he thinks but I think he may do it very rarely around his parents or family. He has written poetry – he is an avid reader which I LOVE about him, he likes to read passages to me – one of the recent times I was over he read some pages from a history of Lewis and Clark to me and discussed Sacajawea with me and also read some Edgar Allen Poe to me. We play Wordsmithery together and he has a creative side too! He is a wonderful painter – a couple of his daughters have come over in recent months and sat and painted with him on canvases for hours – they are in their 30’s 40’s and they come over to do that with him! I’m in awe and it tells me about how he’s connected to them. So here is where Quality Time fits significantly – he enjoyed taking rides together – he enjoyed our 24/7 time together in FLA – he enjoyed hanging out painting canvases with me too during August when I was at his place one afternoon and we set up to paint on his picnic table.

His home is his man cave and he told me early on that no one else came into his place and then in July he invited me over and to stay over. We had two weeks one after another where he shared his place with me openly and said to me as I was leaving the one time “you have no idea how much this means for you to be here”. And during those same two weeks he also told me at one point “how much he was glad I hadn’t given up on him because he knew it had to be hard sometimes”. What followed though was me wanting more of that and him not being ready to continue at that level week after week – he went on his road trip to CO to see the concert at RedRocks with 2 of his brothers and didn’t call when he got back. I gave it a few days and then drove out and he shared every second of the trip with me – photos and how the guys had done with each other. But he’d needed
me to come out there – it could’ve been many more days before I heard from him otherwise. As it was – it was two weeks from when I’d last heard from him.

One of my favorite memories we share is when we ate at a Mexican restaurant during the summer (July or Aug) and as we went to leave after dinner – he cleared the front seat – and dove in – so he rocketed himself into the front seat and flipped himself over so he landed with his head in my lap looking up at me. We just sat there looking into each other’s eyes and with me brushing his hair with my hand. It was a special moment. We inspire each other.

I may have shared that as he left my place one evening he said “thank you for the happiness”. These are the moments, Spyce
that have stolen my heart.

Okay – that’s my writing entry and reminiscing for today. 🙂
Hugs and sunshine
Cynthia

[Author]

Posts