[Cynthia S]

Not sure what is happening with my posts. Last two I tried to post didn’t show up here. Will see if this one posts.

Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Heidi,

Yes that is helpful. I know he’s been in a passage needing to redefine his purpose – we’ve talked about buying a camper and travel but with this possible health issue hanging over him – I think he’s been torn and has said he’s been more distraught recently than ever in his life before. And depressed. His energy and how he’s felt has been in recent months has been up and down too.

I sent him a short text today and asked him to let me know how I can best support him. I’m going to share a card with him over the next week in which I give lots of examples of “why” I’m with him and include meaningful moments we’ve shared. I can include a reference to how I feel his caring when he does things like call me “baby” in his texts or leaves me a rose emoji.

He definitely has days when he is better able to talk directly about things – just not in the last few weeks. He tends not to want to make plans until the day before or day of – because he doesn’t want to disappoint me if he doesn’t feel well so I am waiting to let him know I would like to visit after his October 6 appt with the oncologist until the day before.

It definitely does trigger me – for me is for sure related to abandonment I am still working through from my relationship with my parents – just not a really close relationship with my father and grief when my mom became disabled after a brain injury as well as their struggles with communication. I’m reading John Gray’s book Men Are From Mars now – and interested in trying his love letters. Once I read John’s explanation of the cave – it helped me alot – not sure how I never read his book until now! Brian and I have talked about the 5 Love Languages but I wish I’d understood the cave piece more in-depth sooner. I have already adjusted my vibe and I’m sure he feels it in my messages and will be helpful overall with the energy between us being more peaceful.

Thank you Heidi – have a great day
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Heidi,

Thanks for those additional ideas – I’m considering everything based on what I know of how he handles things as well as the Relationship Rewrite suggestions and John Gray’s perspective.

I ended up considering stopping by to see him today but had promised only to do that if he was expecting me so I texted before I got there and let him know I was nearby and if he was home – was hoping to see his blue eyes for a quick hello. He texted back fairly quickly. “Not there baby will talk later my hands are full thanks.” So it was more personal than he’s texted lately given him calling me “baby” – definitely not cold or dismissive but definitely wasn’t quite the right time for him.

I acknowledged his text and said “Ok sweetness – kiss and hug sent xoxo”. I’m sending a follow-up including some of what you suggested that I’m noticing him seeming to need more man cave time – that I’m fine with that and asking that he let me know how I can support him best”. I also am going to refer to his upcoming two appts Oct 1 & 6 with the cancer MDs and ask if we can visit after those appts letting him know it helps me when I understand what is happening for him. I also asked for a phone call and asked if he would tell me a story – he likes to ask me to tell him a story and I think that might get a reaction from him.

So I’m glad at least for the text and feel a little better. I’m going to send him a separate card giving him some favorite meaningful moments between us that speak to the WHY he is worth it.

This next two weeks are likely to be tough for us both – in our own ways. I know I can only do so much as you said.

When we are in person with each other he tells me lots – it is the in-between times when he needs to curl up and as he is dealing with his mortality that he understandably doesn’t share as much and he’s not huge on texting.

Thank you for all your thoughts Heidi. Doing lots of praying.

Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Hello Heidi,

Thank you for the reply to my post. I have tried to assure him he is a very special man and guess I find it difficult to find the right way to be clear enough with my examples to him of the WHY he is worth it. I would tell him and have that he is precious to me, that our time together brings me happiness, that his playfulness and intelligence and playfulness are all highly valued by me and that is treats me so well, is protective and sweet and adorable. I let him know many times that he is appreciated. He is retired so not currently working but I’ve let him know how much of a gift I think he was to those he worked with in years past and how great a dad he is to his grown daughters.

I do hope to get clarity from him but I’m not sure he would know what to tell me if I ask him what support he wants right now.

Thoughts?
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Coach Spyce,

Thank you for the wonderful thoughtful reply. I have had to think long and hard about his illness from the start. I know he may die and when we last visited I just referred to us not knowing how much time any of us have in life and wanting to share all we can.

I appreciate your advice that I stay in touch and that he not need to answer. I am considering stopping out to see him with expectation I wouldn’t stay long but just give us a chance for propinquity. He shared last I saw him that he’s had hard time relaxing and that the foot massages I gave him helped him to relax. Love him so much and know I’m committed to him come what may.
Scary to say the least but there are never any guarantees in this life. I’m incredibly grateful for the time we have had so far –
best times of my life.

I will give updates as I can.

Cynthia

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