[Cynthia S]

p.s. – hope this works – occurs to me you’d want to know – Brian and I both scored as “physical touch and quality time” as our highest Love Languages.

[Cynthia S]

Spyce,

James sure found a gem in you. Thank you so much for all of that.

I’m on my way out to a road trip with a girlfriend but here’s the short version of how Brian and I met.
He and I both had posted a profile on Zoosk online dating site. He sent me a heart. I checked out his profile which wasn’t super detailed but enough for me to reply and I got a message back but he seemed to be slow with his typing
or knowing what to say so I suggested a phone call and he immediately shared his number. I called him and was
blown away. By which I can say is that the minute I got on the phone with him I could FEEL the strength of his
soul and said to him OMG – this has never happened before – I can feel how very SWEET you are!! He got quiet
and when we talked about it later he said he thought to himself – “oh man I’m in trouble with this one”.

Truly Spyce – I mean I really felt the power of his very sweet energy. It was amazing. We went on to have something like 14 one hour phone conversations – many of them HIM calling me – over that month (August 2020) and Sept and October
before his fears slowed him down. We met within a few days of our first phone call. He told me right away about his
cancer history and I asked about noting that he wasn’t listed as divorced so I knew they hadn’t finalized it. When we
scheduled to meet we met up at a hot dog place nearby that had outdoor tables given covid. But fairly quickly I was
pulled in and he was visiting at my place regularly – about twice a week. He did start telling me quickly that he felt
we should slow down – we were going too fast. I didn’t totally “get it” at first – I realize now he was speaking his truth and I wish I’d been clear on how much he needed slower but he also told me regularly “how good” I was to him like
he was pretty amazed.

The first time we met was funny. Something made me bring (never did this before but after our long phone convos I was inspired somehow to do this: I brought the book Five Love Languages and get this – he took it home and polished it off
by the next day! Told me “you have no idea what you did to me – I was in tears reading it” so I think it definitely struck a cord – about him possibly missing some of that in his earlier relationships and then said to me “it just makes me like you even more that you shared this book with me and it was important to you”.

He sat across from me at first at the picnic table – but then came over to sit next to me – really was very sweet from
the start.

🙂
I have to run but that’s most of it !
Talk later –
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Spyce,

Thank you so much for all of your feedback and support and uplifting words. I am clear I brought much much more to this relationship than I have in previous relationships and of course the more you invest the deeper the pain can be. I also wonder that given the confused past Brian appears to have had that he attracted me into his life right now. We both appear to have invited in MORE – we both wanted a higher level or relationship and yet he seems to not be able to trust in it right now.

Please hang onto that vision of me being loved and cherished – it is what I voiced this morning just before meditation – that I wanted a partner who will match the love I put out – who will be a full partner. I know the YET is there. Not clear what it will take to get me to a point where I can let go. Right now it hurts to let go and it hurts to hang on. I have times when I am at greater ease with trusting in things being provided to me if I let go.

I know that the connection with Brian is not just any connection. I also know the Universe can provide the path for me to get from here to where I want to be and deserve to have in my life. I also pray for a path that allows Brian and I to move through this in a loving way.

I’m not clear on what it is in my messages that has you seeing me as unusual but appreciate your support so very much. I was reflecting the last few days that I don’t know that I feel my family (brothers and others) knows me very well – they have their “view” of me but I don’t think it meshes well with what I know of myself. I know some people are blessed to have family they are close to – just haven’t had that come readily in my family. I am however very blessed with some wise beautiful woman friends. A couple who have even been able to keep an open heart listening to me even though I know all of them are wishing I was in less pain and not in any relationship with someone who doesn’t fully step up. They are undertandably frustrated that Brian has not been maintaining consistent communication with me. Of course in this situation anyone bashing him is not really helpful to me. So I count my blessings that I’ve got friends ranging in ages from their 30’s to 60’s that have all been able to listen and just let me know they care.

I’m also very grateful for your availability and commitment to getting back to me with such thoughtfulness.
Thank you Spyce, have no doubt if we met we’d get along well. 🙂
Have a great week ahead – seeing a couple of my friends this weekend – will update you later
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Hi Spyce,

I agree with all of that and my head gets it. I’m also aware that I’m still so invested and attached to him in my heart
by my own choice that I am not quite to the point of letting go. In my past when a guy wasn’t a good partner it was clear
in ways that included verbal and emotional exchanges that were not caring, were overtly abusive, crossed the line in
louder ways. None of them were as sweet with me – none of them. None of them were consistently so playful with me.
Brian is this mix of gentle, sweet, sensitive soul and yet I agree – the scales are tilted toward his needs and not providing
the emotional support I need.

I am giving this the winter into spring to see what unfolds. I suspect he and I will get to a point where we agree to part because
he is not on the same page – not feeling he can open himself up to the work it would take to build a future together. Right now
my free time has been significantly tangled up taking my cats to the vet – was back there today – have to get them back for one thing or another again two more times in the upcoming month. So I’m mostly spending social time with friends as I’m able and I do have a few things planned including seeing a musical, taking a road day trip and visiting with a friend coming up from FL.
Just as I needed the visit and talk he and I had over a week ago – I hope he and I can share a few more visits and talk some more. And my wish would be for us to find a gentle path full of appreciation for all we have shared – I do see that as very possible – even if we let each other go. The truth is it will be him letting me go – NOT me wanting things to end between us. At least I’m not
there emotionally yet. I have moments when I am nearly there but mostly I am still very connected to him.

Will see what the upcoming month reveals. Grateful for my friends, you and my therapist. ROI – I keep raising the bar and for sure Brian
brings much more that I really got in the past – sad to say – we are much more compatible on so many levels – and there is so much more laughter.
So I’m certain either I will see something shift in him (I know – very unlikely) OR I will have someone truly remarkable in my future – because he will be Brian plus emotionally available and ready. Cool that you’re from NY – yes I love New York – I live in the Western New York area north of Buffalo. It is gorgeous here in the fall. Have been here my whole life and will always be a NY-er. 🙂

xoxo
Hugs
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

oh and one other note – our exchange about his 6 month exams – cancer scans – was stressed. he didn’t want to talk about it and was aggitated when I inquired – he has never done that before with me – not that there was any bad news but he said he’s trying not to worry and doesn’t want people asking him about it – reminding him. I also gather the woman MD who normally assists the specialist and is in his exams – was not there with Brian this time around which means he likely discussed much less. She tended to tease out of him much more. and I also think he’s still pretty anxious and trying to push it all aside. so it sounds like the specialist didn’t tell him there was anything new showing up on his scans but I don’t think Brian asked as many questions as I would have liked him to. so I think that is a factor here but it’s more than he is feeling up to facing head-on right now so I will just have to see how things go with that – right now he’s looking ok.

[Cynthia S]

Hi Spyce,

Glad to be on to catch your message – I’m in NY and EST – not sure what timezone you are in. It’s 12:30 midnight for me. I’m usually in bed by now.

My thoughts after a few days. My dear Brian is not easy – I so appreciate your positive regard for me because I am all too aware of how many
triggers I still have to work on and how keeping the door open here may not be the “right” – healthiest path? But my heart is in this and our
exchange was positive and he was affectionate and that answered a big question for me. Had he backed away and let go completely? – or did he
still care for me? I know he needs to learn to push himself further if he wants to work through the deep issues he has with trust and commitment. He commented again about how many times he has felt rejected – his word. I responded by telling him I thought that his history put me in a challenging spot because his “story” is that he will always get rejected and that if I stay – then it would make him wonder – what’s wrong with Cynthia that she stays when everyone else leaves? I put that out there for him to chew on to counter balance his expertise at lining up all the reasons why a relationship isn’t right.

After the visit, I went back to James’ materials on how to communicate with men – have actually found some of that helpful to add to my knowledge bank – there is no question I tended early on to want to fix, wait on and over give – none of which was good and definitely NOT what he is needing – he is trying to find a path to a stable direction and needs to feel his own ability to problem-solve and find his way.

Overall Spyce, I feel more at peace because it is clear to me that we care for each other. We love each other. How will this unfold over the winter and spring? – I will ride it out WHILE also adding some visits with friends and theater and painting and other activities that feed MY soul into the mix. The widower I met with called a few days later and asked me out on another date. I really am not open to anyone else’s touch right now so I will need to let this man know I am open to doing something like meeting for coffee or dinner or lunch but not as more than friends. On
top of the rest – I got lab results on my cat Gabriel that indicate his kidney disease has progressed and I’m waiting to hear from the vet on BP results from Monday and so I know my time with this fur baby is limited over the next few months. Will be challenging emotionally since I’ve had Gabriel since he was 10 weeks old and he is 17 now.

There are clearly some things that are out of my control with Brian. The adjustments I’m making are things I need to adjust for myself and moving forward – to be more responsible for my own joy and happiness – to heal those places in me that are still wounded – and to practice meditation daily – which I’m working on actively. Giving him the space he is communicating openly that he needs right now is not easy for me – I miss him after just a few days but as I shared – I am coping much better with it than I was during our first 6 months together. He and I have shared much of what we have because I didn’t let things go quiet – at some point of course he needs to reclaim a more active role – he did that better during our first 60 days together and then again upon his return. But right now we’ve come to a new point where I think we are both finding ourselves having grown once again. Our communication on both sides felt stronger – I was also surprised I ended up with him for so many hours. I had hoped for a half hour to an hour but he suggested we take a drive to enjoy the changing colors in the area and going out to eat and our talk was easier and more direct because afterall we had been through me breaking down crying the last I was with him and then 8 weeks of almost no communication and it all put us in another place.

Have you seen any Red Table talks (youtube)? There is one – very recent on “Real Talk with Men About What Love Is” – worth a watch and I would love Brian to watch it. Touched on how many challenges there are in loving another person – how often “solid” couples face crossroads and make choices about whether to stay or to give up. Often many times within the life of a long marriage.

As Esther Hicks and Abraham remind us – we bring ourselves with us if we leave one relationship and enter a new one. I’d love to continue the work with Brian. I see that there are more layers to peel back with him (and I). He is sounding like he may stay in New York this winter – he has lots of work left to do on his used RV that he got as well as the used car and I think all of that functions therapeutically for him – quiet time to accomplish something – feel good about his abilities and think and choose some directions. He always reaches for my hand when we are out walking. He loves to share things with me. The longer we spend time together and I learn more about his past relationships I suspect I’m going to hear more of how HE contributed to the rejection he refers to. What I’m dealing with – in terms of his behaviors – is of course not a function of ME – but some strong inclinations he’s had for a long time.

I understand that I’m likely to see by the spring that we are still connecting and making plans that move us forward or that he continues to want a ton of space – either way I will share feelings with him and talk with him here and there as I think he can hear it and see what is possible. I told him I wanted us to be a part of each other’s lives – I have not typically wanted to be “friends” with former partners – and don’t generally think that as a rule is very likely or functionally possible – but for now I’m keeping an open mind.

Okay my friend – tossing the ball back to you. Be gentle. lol. I’m still wanting to believe. No matter what he is a gift in my life.
Hugs
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Hi Spyce,

Its 1:00 am and I should be in bed but just got home from 1pm-midnight visit with Brian. Went well. Cancer appears not to be a concern right now. He is trying to be grounded and centered and figure out where he is – he’s still working on that. Once we talked a little – he suggested we grab dinner so we did and then once back at his place again I eventually got him talking some. We discussed dealing with feelings. I shared with him that I had realized that I needed to work on being the provider of my own happiness. I also shared that I felt it was important for he and I to talk – not just have all communication fade away – he acknowledged that – my sense was he hadn’t known what to say because he is still working through things he needs to do on his own – which was part of what I gathered before but helped confirm it listening to him tonight.

We talked about what else has been going on the last 8 weeks and it has been pretty crazy for him – started rehabbing the RV he got – and then thinking he needed another vehicle to replace his truck – he picked up a small used sedan/car and he was out in it shortly after getting it – before he was able to make sure he fixed anything needing fixing and was on his way to a funeral for a family member – when the axel broke and he spun around (clearly has some angels watching over him). So he’s been working many hours on his vehicles. Very interesting metaphorically speaking. He’s very good with repairs but is also meticulous and so each project he’s tackled has taken time. When I pulled up today he was lying on his back in the grass under the used car working on the front end.

I’ve heard in things he’s shared over the months that he is sorting through much. I referred to loving him at one point and he said “you know I love you right?” to which I said I knew it sometimes. He said I just can’t say I am “in love” with you – which he’s talked about before. And later before I left his place – I shared that I thought there were some things that partners can help each other heal and that I thought he and I had some of that potential. He said he heard me and would think about that further – it made sense to him. He said he just didn’t feel like he could tell me he was all in on committing to a future together right now when he feels like he has things to get in order for himself. That he needs some time to sort through things and his one recently retired brother is under foot nearly daily and so he isn’t getting some of what he needs. He shared that he was also worried about his dad – early 80’s – who voiced feeling down and depressed in recent days so he’s feeling he needs to check on him regularly now. I shared my understanding of that given having been through similar passages with my parents. I also learned his one daughter is moving and he’s been recruited to help with the move – local. And another daughter has moved to live with a third daughter in CT. So two of the girls are further away right now but I know they will travel back to NY regularly to visit his parents and him.

So we caught up well overall and accomplished what I had hoped for which was some open discussion and honest sharing about our feelings. I didn’t expect a firm declaration of commitment – he was very emotional, and I felt the shift in myself too tonight – better in control of my own feelings. I was able to express things tonight that I often struggle with so I was glad to feel that. I was really glad I took the chance on going out there. I think we both needed it. He knows I’m open to getting together and that I also understand right now he is needing time. He was affectionate with me tonight so that also let me know he is still connected to his feelings for me. He encouraged me to continue to text him. Just before I left I acknowledged that we were in slightly different places when it came to the “I love you” and “I’m in love with you” piece. And he said – something tells me we will figure it out.

I know there’s more work to do and I know right now I will continue to work on my work to be centered and create my own joy and happiness and I’m feeling peace knowing we are both clear that we care about each other and we’re willing to take this one step at a time for a bit. Ok – time for some sleep before I do my volunteer work tomorrow – just ahd to share this update!

Hugs
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Spyce,

Your message made me smile. Yep – my patience is wearing thin. I’m upset with him for handling this this way. Def some immaturity here – – my decision on this has more to do with what I need and also knowing that as you describe he oftens denies or says he doesn’t need or want something but once I’m there with him – things shift. I’m running an errand today and then heading over. Praying he is there and he’ll talk to me. I know he could be gone out of state already but I’ll get a better idea once I’m out there.

On my side – I’m wanting to slap him :/ – beyond me that you could share what we have and he wouldn’t be saying something – anything to me. Last I caught him – he did say – “I am sorry I haven’t called” and said “I don’t know what to say” – which felt like a possible “I can’t deal with this relationship right now”. But I only had a few literal seconds with him that time and so no real discussion. If I don’t catch him today I will likely try tomorrow or Sunday.

Your message was spot on – you’ve been so patient and understanding. Thanks so much.

I just got news from my vet that my sweet boy (17yr old) Gabriel (cat) that I’ve had since 10 weeks old – -likely has stage 3 kidney disease now and he needs a blood pressure check. I’m likely to need to add even more meds into his schedule – already doing every 8 hour meds. So not needing this other drama with Brian.

Makes me mad with myself that I have this big heart connection with Brian – wish I was a little better able to just walk away but I’m not. Update to follow.

Hugs
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Spyce,

listened to Abraham/Esther Hicks just now on “Let It Be Irrelevant What The Other Person Is Doing”

Cynthia 🙂

[Cynthia S]

Hi Spyce,

Thank you for all your giving and thoughtful questions.

Just back from a match/meetup with someone tonight – it was interesting to see how I did with it. I did okay but there was no significant compatibility or attraction. Nice enough hour or so. He was interested in spending more time together so I let him have my number – seems like a good person just not someone for more than a little companionship.

I mostly just know it isn’t in my best interests to sit around waiting for the phone or fixating on Brian so I took myself off of “hold” with a matchmaker contract I had with “Its Just Lunch” and let them schedule me for a meeting with a this 70 yr old widower – just a chance to enjoy some time out. I had really mixed feelings about putting myself out there to any degree given where my heart still is but I gave it a try. As one of my friends said – it lets the Universe know I am open to meeting other people.

Truth is I still feel like Brian’s girl in my heart. I don’t really want to share affection with anyone else and that is a biggee for me – I am significantly a Physical Touch love language girl along with quality time. My heart is half telling me to go out to his place and to try to talk with him in person – the other half of my heart hurts, feels angry and knows I deserve for him to step up better. My head says logically that I should let go more emotionally and my heart worries he thinks he’ll find something easier or better – someone else. My body is having trouble getting to a stable spot where I can stop crying – I get stable and then I tilt again. I’m missing him emotionally and physically. I’m grateful to find that I have been able to go to places we used to go or at least drive by them without a huge visceral response.

You wrote: >> I’m actually more interested in hearing more about your life before him. What have your relationships been
>> like over the course of your life? You seem like a very loving person. I can’t imagine that you haven’t
>> felt this with someone else before this

My mom was chronically depressed in part from grief – lost her dad when she was a teen to a punctured lung injury, and later she had a genetic defect that resulted in her being told she’d lose a kidney. All of that plus her relationship with her mom left her with emotional needs and she used me (her oldest and only girl) as a sounding board – creating an enmeshed relationship and a people pleaser and overgiver in me.

I dated a variety of people in my twenties and thirties – lived with one guy – shared a house in my mid-30’s – then moved on from that – very nice guy – just not enough connection. Late 30’s met another man – long story but we were married 1995-2005. We had some good compatibility and did love each other. Was married for about 7 years until some emotional abuse started and I left. Following that I attracted two troubled guys – one I am pretty sure was undiagnosed bi-polar who had rages and mood swings so I left that one after a year or more. Another who was pretty self-centered and I walked away from that one.

I did date a couple guys who were better balanced after those but nothing stuck – no true loves in there. So I’ve been dating but not anyone really special in the last 5-10 years. My 50’s were more about me getting to know myself – and my parents both needed lots of extra attention from 2010-2016 when we finally lost both my mom and then my dad a year later.

Truly Brian showed up August 2020 with a level of connection that I have never experienced before – I didn’t recognize the attachment issues that we both brought to this until we were months in – and that is clearly a big part of what is influencing his decision-making these days as well as complicating mine. With Brian I have experienced more playfulness than I’ve ever shared before – that has been such a source of happiness and joy and he has thanked me for “the happiness”. Plus he’s just so many things I adore – from being sensitive and having a big heart to being an avid reader and super bright while also thoughtful and sweet when we spend time together.

My present day is aware that where he is – is not where I am. He is taking space. But all of what he’s feeling and thinking matters in this and I feel (my head and heart) like I should try to get in an in-person talk with him so he can get past any mistaken assumptions he may have that are not true – so I can share some of where I’m at and we can have a direct conversation.

I know my experience of our time with each other is something I will always have my own memories of – I want us both to have that cherishing of our time. So my conflict is that if I show up and he’s not willing to talk – that I would somehow injure those precious memories – that somehow something I do will make all we’ve shared somehow disappear. He’s chosen not to say we’re broken up at the very least because he doesn’t want to hurt me. Being upset with him or yelling at him – I think he’s gotten more of that from earlier relationships – is not something I’m inclined to do. Maybe he would benefit from a come to Jesus talk with me – it’s something I’m conflicted about – my head says he needs to take some time to figure out his world – I think he has learned to push aside his emotions – so I’m likely more in touch with my feelings of missing him. He would talk to me sometimes on the phone and tell me he hadn’t “planned” on going out or seeing me but once he talked to me on the phone – he would feel reminded of wanting time with me. His avoidance is clearly louder and bigger and better practiced than his faith and trust in opening his heart.

Short-term the cost of just focusing on my positive loving feelings and on what I want to attract in a relationship – giving him time to sort through things – costs me possibly making healing from the heartache a bit more challenging, costs me week to week and day to day but is also moving me to invest more in myself – getting back to my art work and getting together with friends. Long-term the cost is not really being available for any other full romantic relationship with anyone else for longer than if I let him go more completely emotionally sooner. I know I cannot really heal and move more into alignment with what I want with clarity and ease until he and I are back working on our relationship OR I let that go and free my heart up.

My body – is still clenching my jaw – my stomach is doing its best but isn’t at ease. Does any of that tell you more? Lol, yuk. It’s been a slightly busy week – my two senior cats to the vet on Monday – couple of appts I needed to get to
for myself and confusion in-between. So I haven’t been breathing freely. I have been working to get in meditation time daily – hope to keep that up!

If I made any sense at all – let me know. As much as I see some wisdom in letting him be on his own to work things out while also letting him know I am here – I keep cycling back to thinking I should try to catch him and find out if there is in fact a cancer factor in here messing up the works on top of all the rest.

My best
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Hi Spyce,

Getting ready for bed but saw you had just posted – not a word from him – very difficult for me. I am trying to get to a place where I know he is dealing with his stuff and it likely has little to do with me but I know too that where I was at with wanting regular time with him and how my desires for that felt like pressure I think to him – is a mix of things for me. I know as you said I deserve someone who is available to me full-time not just as he feels up for it part-time on his time-table. And ultimately I do think he wants someone to share his life with but won’t get there unless he addresses the healing he still needs to do. I’m not sure how he’s reflecting on all of it – I’m sure he has some understanding of that.

The last few days I decided against driving out to his place again. I did send him a very short text with a photo of me in the St Augustine tee I got on our trip to FLA back in May. So I haven’t heard from him or talked to him so I am no clearer on what he is feeling or thinking. If I text asking if he and I could get together to talk I suspect he’d either not reply or say no. He knows I am here. He’s not reaching out and I’m feeling like he needs to do what he needs to do right now – to figure out his life. Me underfoot wasn’t giving him the space he needed to regroup. And I really do think he is going to continue to find times when he feels very close to me or someone and he’ll pull back because of what he’s gone through in the past with partners leaving.

I miss him and all the sweet ways he showed me affection and caring. I’m hoping he has allowed himself to miss me too. But in the meantime I’m not wanting to hover so I’m going to likely back up how often I drop notes or texts. I’ve felt more anger and hurt the last few days – in waves. Trying to feel it and then let it go – focus on sending him loving energy, focus on what brings me joy in my life.

I thought I was going to go out to his place Friday but ultimately decided I’ve done too much already and there needs to be a better balance – he needs to really know he wants and needs me and needs to step up – I’m upset that he is not communicating with me at all but this is just a more extended version of the pattern he has had off and on for the past year. I would get lulled into thinking he was coping okay because he’d seem fine with alot of close intimate time shared together and then he’d be silent again. I need a man I don’t need to chase after. It does break my heart because I’ve seen and experienced what he has to give.

Does he know how much I feel hurt? – I am sure he suspects and that’s another reason he has backed up – he saw me in tears that last I stayed over at his place and it was hard for him. I wish he was showing me consistently that a few tears from me was something he felt he could and would be committed enough to handle. I think he could handle it if he tried but he’s backing away instead.

He has a big caretaker in him – the part of him that loves being a dad and loved raising his girls. But their mom moved out with them when they were in middle school and he lost a lot of time with them and I know it broke his heart. He still has a close relationship with them – they called and texted him often when he was with me. I know they were high school sweethearts that ended up pregnant with their first and then stayed together for many years – raising three girls before she found someone else and left. They never married.

My choices right now seem to come down to moving forward on my own and just seeing what happens or pushing the envelope more by driving out to see him but he may not even be around if I do. I have toyed with idea of leaving him a audio message in his texts inviting a visit so we could touch base. All of which just wraps me back up in thoughts of him again when what I need most is to get my head elsewhere. So I’m taking it day by day. Meditating. Taking walks.

Thanks for dropping the note Spyce – your support helps.
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

about the holidays – may spend a little time with friends and family but most are busy and I will likely be mostly on my own – will look for places to spend some time for sure.

[Cynthia S]

Hi Spyce,

So appreciate your quick reply – I’m on my way in for volunteer shift at one of our local SPCA’s – one of my passions – animals. It has been hard to get myself there the past 8 weeks – good for me once I do but tough lately to move through the emotional pain. My work with students over the years was a gift – thanks for your kind words.

Yesterday and today are a little tough but I woke up this morning feeling a message that this truly is not at all related to me – what is happening with Brian – which has dogged me the last month – at times feeling if I had just not been quite so focused on him and more on providing my own better centered happiness to myself – that he’d still be communicating – but I’m getting a clear message this morning that he truly is jumbled up with his own stuff and as much as he has wanted to do better for us – there are times when he just doesn’t have it in him to access. And at the same time – he SO gave me what I have needed and hoped to find in beautiful ways many many times so it breaks my heart for both of us that he is tangled up as it appears he is.

SO he was a gift and I’ve recognized that from the moment we connected. And I know he received gifts from me as well. I think presented with his same behaviors – others walked away from him. Of course having experienced that he was left several times – he has difficulty believing in all of what I offered I think – trusting it. My hope is still for us to get to cross paths at least enough to talk a but – he’s been able to do that with me at times when his heart and spirit are a little better settled.

I will be reading your latest message a few times later today – thank you – it has been a big help to have you here to talk to.

I have to run – have to good day!
All my best
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Spyce,

Your level of sensitivity is a gift – thank you. I’m not sure what triggered me yesterday but I did get thrown off kilter a bit. Had put mosts of my tears aside and they are back today. Of course – that is to be expected right now.

I’m very clear that there are opportunities for growth here in this relationship. I have already started some significant dives into my triggers and I am working to clear more of that so I can call in less of it in the future.

I am certain too that he has much he could choose to learn within our relationship if he allowed it but that remains to be seen.

He’s very bright and can be very insightful while at the same time – those wounded parts of him still seem to have strong protectors that step up and get in the way of him fully opening up. I wouldn’t necessarily need him to heal all of that to stay in relationship with him but I would want him to at least acknowledge it all more often. He seems at times to feel resentful of my desire to spend time with him once a week – while also sometimes able to apologize for his moods and hermit behaviors.

I need to sort through how much more I want to do – do I just step back and let it unfold however it does? The potential loss feels great to me still. I shared more with him than I have in any previous relationship – he was sweeter and kinder and so playful and so much of what I want in a partner. I was a school counselor for 28 years and I came to tell my kids/students that I had learned over the years that when someone leaves us – it really is a gift because someone better will come into our lives. I know that is true for me now too – just too close to it all right now to step around the heartache.

Thank you for being such a strong support Spyce. This is a time of learning about myself and as you said – time for practicing self-care. I will let you know how the upcoming weeks unfold. Hoping to find distractions from the holidays. With both parents passed – there is little left of traditions.

Love and hugs
Cynthia

[Cynthia S]

Hi Spyce,

Just read your thoughts. Ugh. This all hurts. I have been doing a bit better – having been more real with myself about what he is seeing himself as able to tackle. His not sharing anything at all about his recent doctor visits has me very concerned and of course right now I don’t know if he is still in town or left for FLA. This past spring after he returned to NY – he then invited me to go to FLA with him and we took a road trip to St. Augustine beach and it was a wonderful 9 days. It was a leap of faith but I have had a high level of comfort and trust with him from the start and he was great the whole time. I got sick from a little too much sun and not enough water and he was very attentive. I wasn’t sure how he’d do with 9 days with me 24/7 but he was really truly great and both of us seemed to do really well together.

Today I put on one of the tees I bought while down there and took a photo of myself in it and shared it via text with him. Still no response. My thoughts have been to focus on myself – maintain some contact but give him considerable space. And IF he surfaces then lay it out there. Right now since he hasn’t been calling or answering the phone – just live my life – focus on creating my own happiness. I need to get better and stronger with that anyway. When I talked to my therapist last week she kinda said similar things to me – suggesting I could ask him more questions about what he wants or sees for us, and I told her I didn’t think asking him questions about what he wants would be functionally better than an ultimatum because I’m not sensing he is emotionally able to figure out what he wants right now. I don’t of course need to “put up with” this limbo. I do think that if pushed – the answer he gives would come from being backed into a corner. I get that it then gives me full closure. I’m not quite there. I may get there soon. I’d rather focus my thoughts and energy on the things I was so excited to have in a relationship that he contributed. That I want those things in a partner and focus on the joy I feel when I bring my own joy to the partnership as well. Keep my energy in a more positive focus. More of a Law of Attraction approach. Take care of myself and give him space to deal with things in his own way. The only way we will be able to make further progress is if he decides he wants that.

He has been abandoned in the past and I’m sure he contributed to what didn’t work in those situations – I only know what he has shared so far. If I’m going to tell him what I need – I want to do that in person. Thing is I don’t think he’s going to be able to do much more than he has so far. If I can catch him at his place I may at least be able to find out more definitively what happened with his cancer scans.

I need to pay attention to what feels right for me right now and taking care of myself. In the past I always felt sure he would surface at some point but this last 8 weeks he’s pulled back more and it feels like he’s landed in some space but I’m not sure what he’s resolved to function day to day. He may not want to lose me but that doesn’t mean he is able to do more – as you said – when he started with me he may have hoped he could make things go differently this time. I know he said to me alot in the first weeks that we needed to slow down. In hindsight I kinda wish I’d understood that better and had allowed us to go a bit slower.

So I need to try to get some rest tonight – do some meditating tonight and tomorrow and see where I’m at by tomorrow afternoon. You and Heidi and my therapist have all been supportive but right now the person I need most to contribute to finding my path forward is ME. If Brian shares a little that would be great but I really need to get myself together. Does that make sense?

If I was going to tell him what I need in order to stay I’d ask for him to keep me up on what is happening with his treatment and for us to have some agreement about how I can put out there to him that I need time together for a couple hours during this time when he is feeling so stressed. So if I do manage to catch him – maybe Friday – I can hope to talk with him if he’s up to it. Thank you Spyce. Will let you know what I do over the next week.

Cynthia

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