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Today, I’m having a hard time getting past the pain that I was in, in my nearly 20 years of marriage. I came across the words: “Status quo” in a video I was listening to, and it triggered me. When we were at the mediator’s, and working out living arrangements, he wondered why he couldn’t continue living in the house. (the deal we worked out, was that he could have the house, however, I wanted the house till the kids were done with high school – 2 yrs.) He didn’t want to move out and back, or pay rent for 2 yrs. He thought it could be worked out so we’d be officially divorced, but continue to share residence till I moved out, after the kids were done with high school. So, what he said was, among other things, that if he stayed, it would ‘maintain the status quo’. For whatever reason, when he said that, I felt some kind of intense rage in me. I held all the rage in and calmly replied: “I don’t know what ‘status quo’ you are talking about. Whatever it is, it’s not doing anything for me and I can’t think of a single thing that I want to continue to maintain.” To this day, I have no idea what ‘status quo’ he was trying to maintain. It makes me mad whenever I think of it. Because it makes me think, that the reason he always found a way to delay the divorce is because he wanted to maintain whatever it was that he was getting out of it. What was he getting out of it? It makes me mad, because, it was costing me, and he was getting something from it. It was causing me pain, and he was gaining something from it that he valued. It was killing me every day, and he wanted to keep it alive for 2 more years. What was it?!
I’ve had opportunities to share my pain with some friends. Not in person. Online. Most of my memories have faded. But still, I feel like my pain has somehow not been acknowledged or ‘seen’. Why? What needs to happen before I can move on? I was in a lot of pain. I hid it all and I smiled every day. For my kids. His mother was in tears when she found out we were getting a divorce. We were friends. She liked me a lot. I called her when I found out he’d told her we were getting a divorce. She cried. She asked me why. I told her I couldn’t tell her, because he was her son, and she loved him. And that it was enough for her to know that I just couldn’t be friends with him anymore. She has never called me back. My mom wanted to know what happened between us. I told her the same thing. I told her I didn’t need to give her reasons to hate him, because he was still a part of the life of my children. And I didn’t want her to hate someone whom my kids love. She understood. When my brother-in-law (my sister’s husband) was here over thanksgiving, he wanted to meet him. I arranged for them to meet. It doesn’t bother me that others treat him well and with respect. But I can never tell them how deep the pain was.
For the most part, it’s gone. When it surfaces, i’m surprised. Why does it come up every now and then? Why today? The pain, was because of the false image I felt I was forced to project, to keep others happy. I had to pretend I was a part of a ‘family’. I had to pretend I was ‘his wife’. I hated going out as a family. Because I didn’t want to be seen as a family. I didn’t want to be seen as connected to him. So, the places we went to together – family gatherings, vacations, church, or even out to eat… extreme pain. But to the children, we were a family. So, I played along, while inside, I was shredded and bleeding. Everyday. I know now, what was causing the pain. Some of it anyway. Because at some point he verbalized it. It was his utter lack of respect for me. Towards the end, when I was feeling strong enough to ask questions and willing to listen to anything he had to say without retaliating or defending myself – one day he told me there are different levels of humans. And I was a lesser human than he was and didn’t deserve to be respected. I was honestly speechless. he actually believes such things!! One day, he told me I wasn’t worth being a friend to, that those I always considered my friends, had only befriended me out of pity, not because they valued me or wanted to be my friends. He said that even my family was glad I lived a continent away, so they wouldn’t have to put up with me.
These were some of his thoughts. And I had lived with the effects of such thoughts for 20 years. I’m glad his thoughts surfaced at the end, because, if they hadn’t, I would’ve always second guessed my feelings. What do you suppose he was getting out of a relationship with someone he despised so much? He wasn’t physically abusive, and the emotional abuse was subtle, and always left me slightly confused and wondering what had happened. At one point, I wanted to keep a written account of everything that was happening, so I could figure it out later. But, it was burdensome, to live like that. So, I just let it go, because I didn’t want to remember. I didn’t want to hold on to all that poison. I needed to be happy, for the children. I needed to be happy for me. And for that I had to forget. I had to keep forgetting. But the pain would build up, even though the details got smudged. When you add pain to a surface that hasn’t healed yet, it hurts more. I hate him so much. I wish I could beat him up. I wish I could tell the whole world what a horrible human being he is.
But can you imagine how that would destroy my beautiful children? He is their father. And if they know, all the things he said about me, it would hurt them so much. I wish he would walk away and take himself out of their lives. I don’t like that he’s still a part of their lives. My son chose to stay at the house when I moved out. My apartment is small. Just one bedroom – which my daughter has. He wouldn’t have any privacy if he lived with me. i don’t want him to have any more influence on them than necessary. But, I spent a lot of time with my children, and both of them, are more like me than him. Now they’re old enough that they won’t be easily influenced. But still… i don’t want them to pick up bad habits from him on a subtle level, because they’re open to him.
But, for me… i need to heal from this pain. I didn’t think it was still in me so sharply. why is it still so raw? i was being used to maintain a status quo! I’m glad i broke it, whatever it was. I want to destroy it some more. that’s why i need to know what it was, so i can make sure it’s totally destroyed. A status quo cost me 20 years of my life. i hate that status quo!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Kanya,
I guess I went from defending Fun Guy to defending myself… lol 🙂 So, I have a lot of patience and tolerance, but i’m not a doormat. I’ve always stood up for whoever I thought was being unfairly accused – I made many enemies in nursing school because the girls couldn’t figure out whose ‘side’ I was on, because I switched sides depending on who needed a voice. Plus, I could see all sides! I just couldn’t let one person, get picked on by a whole gang. I’ve always felt like no one has my back when i’m down and weak though. Anger got me through a lot of weak times.
Angry? Passionate? Clear? Or strong? idk. I guess I can come across as not having any convictions or boundaries because of how relaxed I am, but in truth I have very strong and very deep convictions that won’t easily be swayed. I do have a lot of uncertainty about my relationship with men, because, in truth, I don’t know what I want for long term – I do know, more and more, what KIND of a man I want it with! does that makes sense? Lol 🙂 But… also…. there’s a reason for the confusion…
For instance – with JB – we haven’t met yet. And that’s the biggest issue. BUT – I can SAY ANYTHING To him and he won’t run away! I’ve had outbursts that I over reacted in, and when I apologized, he wrote back. He didn’t disappear. And when I can’t explain myself accurately and take back what I said, he doesn’t disappear. I was upset about something in one of our conversations and didn’t think twice about expressing myself exactly how I was feeling, and by the end, I was feeling very emotional and mentioned that to him, and he wrote back, even though he did say he hates it when women cry and doesn’t ever want to make me cry, he DID write back instead of disappearing! I don’t have to filter my emotions for him, and that’s big for me! It means, no eggshells to worry about!!!! I HATE Eggshells! And I really, really, really hate that I haven’t met JB yet! He’s not a weak man although in some ways, I think he might be. But I need to meet him to figure out what it is and if it’s a deal breaker or not. And it will be extremely hard, because just as the negatives in him will become clearer, so will the positives…!
I’ve been toying with the idea of going to visit him, because i’m tired of waiting for him! Plus he’s distracted now, with his mother being sick and falling and stuff, so who knows when he’ll have time now?! idk. I like that I don’t have to pamper him by hiding my feelings regardless of how strong they are. Or how needy they are!
So, no matter how well I think I know what my ideal relationship should feel like… I still get confused when I test it next to a man. Although, to be honest, it’s only in the last few days that I’ve said it out loud – that I have to matter to him as much as he matters to me. That he has to be able to give me space just like I am able to give him space. Anything less, then it will wear me out eventually, because the give and take won’t feel equal. But, knowing what my ideal standard is DOES give me greater emotional strength and it sure helped me distance myself from Fun Guy really fast.
~ vino
Hi Heidi,
my parents’ marriage was arranged, as was all their siblings and the generations before them. My parents had a good marriage. I believe the percentage of good arranged marriages, meaning – it’s a relationship not a business partnership – is about the same as that in the west, that doesn’t end up in divorce. Anyway. it’s irrelevant to me, I don’t really care, as long as nobody arranges a marriage for me! lol 🙂
I must say, it bothered me when you said my Fun Guy has no integrity. I don’t believe that of him. However, I am aware that I haven’t met him and that I don’t know anything about him. I just believe he is good, and not weird like the guy who asked me if I was married although it clearly states in my profile that i’m divorced. I didn’t answer him. I asked him if he’d seen my profile. He said he had, but he assumed I was married because I was busy and didn’t keep messaging him back or setting a date to meet, and he goes on to say he doesn’t mind if i’m married, just wants to be honest upfront. I said, if my profile wasn’t being honest then what made him think the messages would be honest?! then he said he’s the kind of person who speaks his mind and believes that honesty is the best policy, yada yada yada. That kind of person gets under my skin and annoys me. He comes from the place of not believing or trusting another person. Even though he believes in honesty, he doesn’t believe that others do! What kind of weird world view is that?! I am an extremely honest person. And i choose to believe what others tell me about themselves, unless it can be proved false. There was nothing false about the Fun Guy. if he ever writes back to me, i will write back. BUT. I figured something out that will help me ‘see’ better for next time – I was trying to figure out why it hurt. It was the same kind of hurt as with JB.
It hurt because I didn’t matter to them as much as they mattered to me. I do not believe i was devaluing myself in valuing them as much as i did. I tested that too. It is in my nature to value a man. I do not want to lose that. And i believe, that i value women just as much, but i have to do it consciously, because it hasn’t yet become automatic. I would never ever minimize the pain a woman suffers because of a man, or make excuses for him because he is a man. No. That is just wrong. So… no, i cannot accuse a man of lacking integrity or being all kinds of unkind things, with no proof. However, I DO know that there are different levels of ‘mattering’. My children matter to me more than my co-workers, or anyone else, for that matter.
So, the problem here is, these 2 men started to matter to me too much too soon. I just need to figure out how I allowed that to happen, seeing that they are total strangers! It’s like a baby rattle snake – it doesn’t know how to control how much poison to release, so when it bites, it’s releases ALL of it’s poison all at once. However, the adult rattle snake, knows how to regulate the amount of poison it releases, based on the size of the prey. I need to judge the level of mattering and release my own interest based on that, and not just jump in at 100% as if every man like Fun Guy & JB is the last man on earth. You can laugh at me if you want, i see the joke already. lol 🙂 I didn’t tell you about the man i was talking to before i started talking to JB… he was the last man on earth too. ROFL 😀
Oh, i noticed another subtle feeling rising up in me when i was hurting over Fun Guy! I wanted to ‘run back to JB’ because he has become familiar to me now! I had to remind myself that i haven’t met him yet! I feel like i know him!!!! i had an interesting exchange with JB some time before his mom got really sick. I got an annoyed message from a man and i didn’t understand what he said, so i asked JB what he thought it meant. And instead of answering my question directly, JB said: “So, you’re looking for more than one man, meaning me and another, to satisfy your sweet tooth?” I actually laughed when i read that, i thought it sounded like he was jealous. He must’ve thought the same thing, because he followed it up with how he doesn’t get jealous, but he just needs to know if he’s not the only one. See why he confuses me? But, I’ve decided, he can say anything he wants, and i won’t take it seriously till he works out how to meet! And even then, if he’s going to be so extremely busy that i only get to see him once every 3 or 4 months…. that’s not an ideal relationship for me!
An ideal relationship for me, is one in which i matter to him as much as he matters to me. He’d have to be able to make time for me, like i’m willing to make time for him! And also, he has to know how deal with all the times that i’m going to say or do the wrong things that might drive him away, and he should be interested enough to not be driven away. Otherwise, i’d have to be living with this constant tension of having to watch myself so closely that i dont’ drive him away! I’m not interested in dating a teenager! A man has to know how to deal with imperfections! I’m willing to give him room to say & do the wrong things, or in the case of the men that i have run into – room to not say and not do anything! lol 🙂
I have a lot of good qualities that are naturally a part of me that make me a very easy person to get along with. I even have a few qualities that men should appreciate – i don’t nag, i don’t back-seat-drive, and i don’t try to change anyone except myself! I think any man should feel fortunate if i’m interested in him! I’ve done a lot of work on myself and i have the ability to make a place more peaceful, just by being there! So, whatever neediness is left in me… is not such a huge man-repellant, and i’m not going to apologize for it, or pretend it doesn’t exist. I’m sure it’s all on it’s way out anyway. Ten days, ten years, i dont’ know, but i know it’ll all be gone. And i’m not going to be worth more then than i am now! If i cannot be seen apart from my weaknesses, then i am not being looked at properly!
That is what’s in my heart, and that is how i see myself and that is what i believe. I don’t know why i’m angry.
~ vino
I think I lost my Fun Guy. He just stopped writing. He asked me to pick a movie, I watched the trailers of a 8 or 9 movies that are playing in the area and told him what I thought of each one and he said he really liked the way i’d reviewed them. And then… he had a busy week, but he asked me which days work best for me and it sounded like we were making plans to meet and watch a movie. We talked about other stuff, and he mentioned he was taking care of his elderly mom and said he’d tell me more when we met, and stuff like that…
I got overly excited about the idea of actually going out for real, and I started to come up with ideas of how I could make things easier – since he commutes all week, I told him, we didn’t have to go to a theater that was close to me, I could drive half way. I thought I was being considerate and helpful.
And then, he didn’t write for a few days, I didn’t write to him either, then I just sent a short message saying I hope his mom was ok and that he was having a good week. And a week after that, I saw him online and said hello, how are things going? and he didn’t respond. so I told him it looked like he didn’t want to talk anymore so I wouldn’t bother him and for what it was worth, it had been extremely good fun having silly conversations with him. And that he’d made me think about why I hadn’t ever thought of going to a movie without the kids in tow! So i’d take myself to one soon.
But now… I can’t get him out of my mind! He was just so much fun and I wish i’d met him just once! I’m sure i’m a lot more fun in person than in text!
I haven’t heard from JB for a while either, his mother was sick last he spoke to me. But this Fun Guy was a good healing balm from JB. Nobody else I’ve talked to since is as much fun as Fun Guy! :p I tried having a silly conversation with several others. It didn’t work. lol
I don’t know what to think about myself. BUT I seem to have gotten desperate to meet face to face. I’m tired of texting & saying hello to a dozen different men online. I don’t feel like i’m getting a chance to be known if there’s no meeting. But i’m really, really, really bummed about the Fun Guy, because he was so much fun! And I wanted that one meeting with him so badly. So I bent over backwards, to make it easier for it to happen, and – was I devaluing myself when I did all that?! But what if I hadn’t been flexible enough to go with what works best, then wouldn’t he have thought it was too hard to make it work?
Well… it was a rough week. Started to catch a cold or something by Friday. And I was sure I wouldn’t make it to work on Saturday, but I did, and I was able to go on Sunday as well!
I lost the previous post I wrote, answering your questions about how I treat/view myself. It has definitely changed from the past to now. In fact, some things are changing everyday! Have you ever hear of the ‘set point’ in relation to weight loss? Yeah, I know.. you have. Ok. So, its the same with how I view myself – I have a ‘self-worth set point’. There was a time when I didn’t think I was worth being a friend to, that I had to do something in order to earn someone’s friendship and that if I stopped doing it, i’d lose the friendship. That was my lowest, but it never went lower, to where I felt like I didn’t deserve to live, although there were plenty of times I didn’t want to live. So, I was never suicidal. Once I was able accept the friendship of my first few friends my self-worth set point raised to the level of ‘I’m worth being a friend to’. I still saw it as something given to by someone’s generosity, and didn’t expect everyone to be equally generous. But, I also, never dropped back down to the level of ‘i’m not worth being a friend to’, and I had stopped trying to ‘earn’ friendships.
my self talk improved with each step, because I tried to see myself through the eyes of those who befriended me. I looked at myself in the mirror like they looked at me, with a gladness, instead of critically. I stopped trying to puzzle out why people smiled when they looked at me, I just tried smiling at myself too. Now, i’m borderline narcistic! lol 🙂 It’s true though… I actually tell myself i’m beautiful and don’t even cringe when I say it because it’s totally honest, and I would know!
BUT. Upon further analysis – in spite of how much I’ve changed – I have come to realize that i still value men more than women. And, of course, i fall in the camp with the women, so… i tried to dig out if i truly truly value men more than i value myself and… yes. very subtle, but still…. yes. How it shows up – it’s much harder for me to say no to a man than to a woman. At work – all top 3 positions – manager, 2 assistant managers – are men. The remaining managerial/supervisor roles under them, are all women. The men are in charge of the schedules and the whole store in general, whereas the women are in charge of specific sections and areas. So, i mentally switched out the men with the women and tested my obedience level…………………. lol 🙂
Not only did i realize that i DO bend over backwards to help out the men… i began to notice that i actually put myself aside and meet their needs first, before meeting my own. and the more i respect or like a man, the more i disappear! Like one of the assistant managers… i’m sure i have a crush on him… i just like the whole store better when he’s around. He was out for 3 weeks because he was sick. And he got back last week. So… on Friday, when i started to get sick, i told him i may not come in the next day. And he said: “are you really going to call out on my shift” – and i told him, yes, i would call out if i couldn’t stand. BUT. I didn’t WANT to call out anymore! And i realized it’s because I didn’t want to call out on his shift! it had nothing to do with my wellbeing! Or even my financial needs! He was probably just teasing too! None of them expect me to work if i can’t! But, i was ready to sacrifice myself.
Thankfully, i was so exhausted that all i could think of doing was soaking in the tub with Epsom salt and oils. I took my phone with me, thinking i’d listen to some music or an audio book, BUT, i decided i’d listen to silence instead and feel the water and i used to when i was little. I put everyone out of my mind and just rested. and i slept for 14 painful hours after that. Every joint was in agony. One from pulling a muscle a week back. The rest from my fever. I dreaded the morning, because i thought i would be a zombie. But sometime during the night, i learned how to use a pillow differently and found a position that eased the stress on all of my joints and even on my strained muscles. By noon, i was fit to go to work! lol 🙂
Anyway, i got better real fast, because i rested more fully than i ever had before and soaked in the tub shamelessly and slept shamelessly. But, last night, i was restless. I needed to talk to the manager to change my schedule so i wouldn’t have to work both Saturday & sunday every week. I’d wanted to avoid asking him that, because the last time i thought about it, was around thanksgiving, and that’s when we were told the store would close. So, with everyone out of sorts, i put myself into a supporting role, and made myself more available than usual, and didn’t want to add to add to the stress of scheduling. HOWEVER… it’s really wearing me out not having any of my Saturdays and sundays free. The last time i had a scheduling problem, i had zero problems bringing it up with the manager, but then, the store wasn’t closing then! So, i talked to him today, and he didn’t even ask me why, he just said, “Sure! You can have sundays off!” and i wondered why i’d stressed so much about it! i hadn’t wanted to inconvenience him. I know how hard he’s been working to support the team and i know how angry he’s been with all the crap being dumped on us. I even expected him to say No to my request! It turned out that it my lack respect for myself, kept me from speaking up for myself all this time!
So, i have a lot to learn still. About valuing myself, so i can place myself on an equal footing with any man. I know, that a lot of the deferring to the male is a cultural thing that’s passed down through the dna … lol 🙂 I do pick and choose which males i want to defer to, however… there’s no need to minimize myself in order to defer to someone else, right? i actually replayed times in the past when i ‘shrank in size’ when deferring to someone or when apologizing for something. it was not a good feeling. But i did it automatically. Now, since i know that the ‘shrinking feeling’ is literally connected to me devaluing myself… i can watch out for it and nip it at the bud!
Nothing as exciting as growing everyday! lol 🙂
~ vino
oh crap! i just wrote for about 40 minutes, and then clicked on the link to see what the article was and came back and saw that all that i’d written was lost forever! Ugh! i hate when that happens! So, i’ll get back to that.
but about the second article – the author mentions something about arranged marriages- that they last because of the commitment factor. I don’t think the person knows anything about arranged marriages. The goal of an arranged marriage is entirely different from marriage as people seek now. It is entirely, and purely socio-economic. There is a literal exchange of money/goods from one family to another. In India, the brides’ family pays the groom’s family for the ‘privilege’ of becoming a part of their household. These negotiations are done exactly as a business transaction would be done, and there are professionals who you take with you to bargain for the best price. Now, once the bride is sold, do you think she can return home? It would shame her family! She was already a burden to them because of how much it cost them to find a man who would be willing to marry her! She can’t add shame on top of financial debt to her family. In the groom’s family, she is a slave. Its worse if it’s a joint household and she has to live under the rule of her mother-in-law. In exchange for a place to ‘belong to’ and her basic needs of food and shelter being provided for, her responsibilities are to have babies – (sons, not daughters, because that’s in her hands), and to cook and clean and take care of the needs of everyone in the household. If she fails in anyway, she is beaten and abused and in some cases, even murdered.
In African countries, the financial exchange is different – the groom’s family pays the bride’s family for value that she had provided them in labor. Now, this seems slightly more fair, because, at least, the fact that she is a hard worker is valued. And the fact that her family loses a slave is also acknowledged. However, she is still a slave. she is seen as property and treated as such. If she isn’t able to have a son she is beaten up and abandoned. In the one tribe we lived with for a while, if a man dies without fathering a child, his widow was raped by all the men in the neighborhood, till she got pregnant, so the dead man’s name wouldn’t be lost.
So, there you have it. sure, the ‘marriages’ last because there is a commitment factor. And that’s all one needs, right?! lol 🙂
Hi Heidi!
To be honest, I didn’t understand a single word you said! lol 🙂
However, I do have some information on the Hole, that I’m still trying to get figure out what to do with. Over the last few days, I started working on the Homecoming Book. I did the initial Wounded Child questionnaire twice – then/now. And I was pleased with the progress. There are 3 sections to it, 20 questions in each section and this is how I scored: 18/5, 19/9, 20/5. I’m almost normal! lol 🙂
Then, I got into the nitty gritty of things – reclaiming your infant section. I hit a wall there, because it seems it works best in a group or with a therapist. I thought the book was a self-help type of book, so I was quite disappointed about that, and I don’t know how to move forward with it. I’ve been searching online for anyone who uses his methods for therapy, or any groups that are already set up that follow these methods, but I haven’t found anything yet, and it’s SUPER frustrating.
In the Infant questionnaire, there are 16 questions, and I scored 15! That’s too high! I thought my infant life was fine. Actually, it was when I was slightly out of infant stage that my problems began, but I haven’t looked at that section yet. I want to get through the exercises in the infant stage, and i’m too anal to do them out of order!
But, I was working on the first exercise – writing down what the family system was like when I was born till I was 9 months old. My mom often spoke of how stressful it was for her to move to dad’s place. Back in the day, you just moved in with the in-laws, so they didn’t have a space of their own, and dad’s 3 younger siblings were still there. It was a very small house, but they’d all grown up in it, so they all fit in, and she was the new comer. She’d lived in a bigger house, and of course, the entire culture of her family was different. She had to also figure out how to make a home, in someone else’s home… and since my grandma was still there and in charge of the kitchen… it must’ve been quite stressful. She was also teaching in the town over, so she was taking the bus everyday, and her first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. So, when I was born, it was a year and a half after they’d been married. Enough time for mom to have destressed from her living conditions. However, there was a bit of complication at my birth, I had the cord wrapped around my neck several times, and the doctor told my grandmother they could only save the baby or the mother, and asked her to choose which one. I never really thought about that a whole lot till yesterday, when I was writing it all down. I wondered what kind of fears went through my mom at that time! My grandmother could’ve chosen the baby instead of her! Dad was at work, so she didn’t have his support. BUT… I never thought about the fact that NONE of her own family members were present!! Where were all her sisters??!!! She was in her hometown! (maybe they were there… i’ll have to ask to confirm). At any rate, my grandmother told the doctor to go back and save both the mother and the child, and she went into the delivery room and stayed with my mom and prayed, and probably kept an eye on the doctor too! lol 🙂
So… I was not an unwanted child. I was welcomed into the family system. My dad was like a prince among his brothers, so there was the added specialty of being the firstborn daughter of a Noble man. Unlike most indian families, daughters were valued in both my dad’s and mom’s families, by BOTH parents.
So, why all the wounds in the infant questionnaire?! Ok – i’m going to have to do the toddler questionnaire now, because i’m curious if there’s an overlap in the questions.
At any rate. My mom is prone to stress too much. Dad, although a very loving man, was also very reserved and was always too awkward to show affection physically. However, there was one person – who knew no stress and had no boundaries to expressing affection – Dad’s youngest brother! He was out of college, and hadn’t gotten a job yet. Guess who got to babysit me?! lol 🙂 My uncle, is exactly like my dad, minus the reserved stoicism. According to the book, the infant stage is when you bond with your caretaker. It’s usually the mother. But, since my uncle was there all day as well, and he loved to play, and he knew how to bond emotionally, I probably bonded with him at the same time. I know for sure, that as a toddler, he was definitely my choice adult whom I trusted and loved more than my own parents.
I was about 13 or 14 months old when Dad & Mom left the Family unit to go to Ethiopia. And mom told me, at the airport, when they were inline to check in, I slipped away from her, and ran back to my uncle. I never actually allowed that moment to sink in – not as deeply as I did last night. So, what happened to that child that day was – she was separated from the Man who loved her unconditionally. My emotional father. I wonder how long I cried before I wore out and fell asleep. How many days did I search for him, till I forgot about him? My parents, of course, would’ve had no idea, of the magnitude of damage that had just happened to me. In 2 days, there were in a new country, new language, new food, new everything, and they wouldn’t have had time or mental & emotional space, to be there for me. I can see mom’s frustrations and stress rising, and me adding to her stress with my agony. But there’s no way to explain to a 1 yr old any of what happened is there?! I got the same wounds as someone who gets kidnapped!
From other parts of the book… that explained the various defense mechanisms we develop- I saw that my choice of defense was dissociation. I don’t remember most of my childhood. Whatever parts I remember, I don’t remember as being a part of it, only as watching it from outside. I eventually made friends with my dad, because he was a very good man. But I never understood why my classmates literally fell in love with him and would tell me they felt more connected to him than their own fathers, because he was so approachable, so easy to talk to, and so loving. I never felt that. My cousins felt it too, and they’d flock around him, to pour out their hearts to him. It wasn’t until I left school, that I connected with him on a deeper level, when we started writing to each other. He was a writer, not a talker, like me. Growing up, I always felt there was something different about the way my siblings fit into the family and the way that I fit… I was always like an outsider, tagging along. I rejected my mom, because she was too stressful. But I never thought i’d rejected my dad too. But… if you think about it.. it was both dad & mom who separated me from the One who Loved me. And what they replaced his love with, their own stress & expectation filled ‘love’ was a very poor substitute.
I never re-bonded with my uncle. And my dad – after 4 years of bonding through our letter-writing – he died before I could enjoy our newfound relationship together in person. I lost a second Father. I was 23. He was just 54 yrs old. When I try to remember their voices, it’s my uncle’s voice that I recall with ease. My dad’s has faded away. My uncle, he always called me ‘Child’. The only loving nickname I’ve ever had. He called my ‘my Brother’s child’ or ‘my child’ or just ‘child’. No other adult had a kind name for me. Dad used my name with a ‘ma’ added to it – Vinoma – and I did hear his voice once, at nursing school, when I was too tired to wake up, and the alarm clock failed me, his voice woke me up. But he was still alive then.
Well… Sorry this is so long. But I know now what it is that I lost. And my longing to ‘go home’ makes sense to. Also, why ‘home’ isn’t a place to me, but a person. No matter how I do with this house, it won’t turn into a person. At the same time, I know that there isn’t a single man on earth who’d want to be both a father and a lover to the same woman! That’s just so messed up, and I wouldn’t want a similar relationship with a man, where i’m both his mother and his lover. But i’m also at a loss now. I don’t know what a ‘lover’ relationship even looks like or what it means. It’s obviously, not what will fill my hole.
Anyway, for now, I plan to write to my uncle. And perhaps we’ll talk on the phone although he’s hard of hearing and I hate phones and never know what to say.
Have you read the book ‘the little princess’? when I read it the first time, I completely identified with the girl. I feel the loss of fathers very deeply. I’ve caught myself getting jealous of little children, especially little girls, who have really good dads. I kind of mentally fade into the shadows and watch, and try to feel what the little girl is feeling. and then, I get so intensely jealous. how does one fill up a dad-sized hole?!
I just realized, I forgot about what i’d said about my home being incomplete without the presence of a man.
It’s not unlike the feeling that I have, that my home is incomplete without a dog or many dogs. My dog died about a year and a half back. And there’s a big dog shaped hole in my heart. I’m sure everyone who has lost someone, knows the feeling. This man, that i’m waiting for… I’ve been waiting for him for as long as I can remember. I knew, when I was getting married, that he wasn’t the one. But I thought, I didn’t deserve the man I was truly waiting for.
I’m not as weak as I used to be. I do still get lonely, but my loneliness isn’t as crippling as it used to be. IF I didn’t need anyone else in my life, then what’s the point of building a relationship at all? I used to think I was a loner, and worked better on my own. But I learned that I’m better in a team than on my own. I need people in my life! Not because i’m lonely, but because they make me a better person, they help me remember what is good! Yesterday, at work… they lifted my spirits… and Thursday’s depression was gone, after 8 hrs of very physical work, very little deep conversations, a lot of lighthearted talk and laughter, and each others focused energies.
And, of course, only a man bears the presence of a man. 🙂
Have I ever mentioned the train conductor who was all male? our interaction was limited to when I handed him my pass. But, over the next 2 months or so, I got addicted to our interactions. He always had something witty to say, sometimes, it wasn’t even to me, but the other conductor, or another passenger, and if he caught me listening in, he’d just smile. I don’t even know his name. But he made my days better. 🙂 I was so deeply disappointed when he got transferred, and my train rides weren’t as exciting anymore. The other conductor missed him too. It seemed he needed him to increase his humor levels.
I may not be down in the dumps and in the depths of despair without a man in my life. But… I think my life would be better with a man. That’s why i’m not a nun. lol 🙂
~ vino
Hi Heidi!
After writing to you, I couldn’t stop thinking about my apartment, and I ended up thinking the same thing – that just because something is temporary doesn’t mean it can’t be cozy and inviting! I know a dog can fit in any space! Just that our apartment complex doesn’t allow pets. There are still people who have pets, but I can’t go against the lease with a clear conscience. And I’ve learned that a clear conscience matters to me. lol 🙂
The things I say about men, are based on the feelings that they create in me. They’re not empty words. Women don’t create any kinds of feelings in me. In fact, I feel challenged in the presence of women. The ones I’m able to be friends with, are the ones I don’t feel challenged by. I care about them a great deal, and I value their friendship. We can laugh together and talk about most things ( I cannot talk to them about anything that I haven’t already worked out for myself). I wonder if I feel threatened by women? Growing up, the ability to serve, was greatly valued. The girls and the women were good at taking a tray of drinks or snacks around the room, helping the younger kids eat, dishing out food onto plates, making homes beautiful, taking care of a sick person, cooking and all other traditionally female roles. They just looked so efficient and comfortable doing those things… and I always felt so awkward whenever I had to do any of those things. I would physically become less coordinated. I got jealous of a younger girl for being a natural. It made me feel worse, to BE served and helped by women with things that I should’ve been good at myself.
I’ve also had my fill of women’s presences. In nursing school, I was surrounded by women 24/7. They were difficult to learn from, and to work with. Some of them, challenged me outright. There was one teacher, who had this massive assignment that she liked to give, that takes about a month to complete. I had no problem with the assignment, except that, she said none of us could go home on our upcoming holiday if it wasn’t finished, which was also ok. But then she singled me out, and said I couldn’t go either. (I was the only one from a different country). I said nothing to her in class. But I was done. My friend tried so hard to get me to do the assignment. I told her, even if that teacher were physically blocking me from packing up and leaving, she still wasn’t powerful enough to stop me, and the only way to prove it was to not do my assignment, to see how far she’d go to stop me. I was ready to fight her physically, if need be. But I learned that women fight dirty, and not physically. Many years after school, I found out that they took out their frustrations with me, on my friend, and made life very stressful for her! She never told me anything at the time, because she knew i’d confront them, and they’d take it out on her some more. She was right. I was bull headed back then. I would’ve done anything to protect her from them, and never accepted that my methods would’ve only made things worse. I asked her why she still remained my friend when I indirectly made life difficult for her, and she said she really liked me and I made her laugh. I hated myself for the pain I caused her. I believe, she is the only woman I have truly loved and never felt threatened by. She was very feminine. And she was good at all the womanly things that women are expected to be good at. I honestly don’t know why I never felt threatened by her. Perhaps she was the only woman in my life whose subconscience wasn’t judging me!
She suffered a lot more later in life. Once again, I could do nothing for her. But she was so incredibly strong. She loved to laugh. All the pain she had to bear, didn’t seep into her clear-as-a-bell sounds of laughter. She was physically very attractive too. She always got picked to play Mary in the Christmas plays from the time she started school! she was never proud about that, she just took it in stride like it was one of her responsibilities for being pretty. lol 🙂 I didn’t feel ugly beside her! We Did get into arguments and fights almost once a month. But, 3 days was the longest that we could stay mad at each other. Then, we’d subtly apologize by doing nice things for each other. lol 🙂 we never re-visited a disagreement to establish who was right or wrong, because WE mattered more than the things that irritated us. She’s the first person, I was able to freely disagree with, and still remain friends with. But it had more to do with her, than me. She was the most forgiving, most loving, most patient, most accepting, most delightful person I’ve ever known.
Thanks for helping me remember the one good female relationship in my life! 🙂 Now that I come to think of it… Sophie, in the animated movie ‘Howl’s moving caste’ – is like my friend! no wonder I want to be like her! 🙂 Perhaps I can channel her femininity! 🙂
~ vino
Hi Heidi! “HOME” is a place I belong, where i’m not the guest, and can invite guests to! I need to feel like I belong there, and should already be comfortable there, so I can make others comfortable there, and share with them the things I love. Growing up, it wasn’t my house – it was Dad’s & Mom’s. Later on, it still wasn’t mine, it was the ex’s. I never fit. I don’t think two people can create a homey space together, if they’re not at home with each other.
I wanted to make a home for my kids… a place where they would be safe, and free and at peace. A place where they could download the stresses of the day, of the outside world. It had to be a place they WANTED to return to, because it was happier than all the other places they had to go to. I don’t know if I was able to provide them with that. I know, I never had it. Even school, was more fun for me than home, as a child. And I wasn’t even in an abusive home. I just didn’t fit. I wasn’t welcome. Whenever we visited friends, I never wanted to go back ‘home’. But I didn’t belong at a friend’s house either, I had to leave…
I’ve tried to figure out what would cause me to feel at home in a house… is it furniture? Décor? Plants? I honestly don’t have a clue. But, I look around at my little apartment and I don’t really want to settle here. There’s no room for a puppy. There’s no room for my son. It’s a transit space. But, a small place can also be home, right?
What happened yesterday… well… I got emotionally attached to the Fun Guy, even though we only shared light banter, and I fooled myself into thinking I wasn’t as connected to him as I was to JB. But, he said to me, that I deserve to watch a movie without the kids. And that got me thinking about all the times, I chose to stay with the kids instead of taking some time out for me. Not once, did anyone say to me that I deserved any kind of fun without the kids. I ceased to exist with the kids happened, in the mind of others, and in my own. There was just one tiny part of me that fought to be remembered. My birthday is the 8th of May, and every so often, it’s the same day as Mother’s Day. I completely resent Mother’s Day, when it happens on my birthday. I absolutely HATE sharing MY day, with every other woman on the planet, including my mom. And guess what part of me gets remembered? Since most people forget birthdays, only the ‘mother’ part of me gets remembered. Anyone can be a mother. It’s not that difficult to get knocked up and give birth! (Sorry for being crass, but we wouldn’t have a population problem if having babies is difficult! On the other hand – being me – now that’s a whole other story. I matter more, than my ‘motherhood’. I existed long before I became a mother. And I resent the fact that nobody seems to value ME more than my motherness. (I don’t think I was ever meant to be a mother! lol 🙂 ) I need to be seen as ME. Not as a mother or a daughter or a sister or worst of all – a wife (that may have been different, if i’d been married to a real man)! I’m ok with being seen as a friend.
Anyway – those weren’t my thoughts yesterday. My thoughts were on the Fun Guy, and I was busy trying to wrestle my emotions into submission with logic. I don’t know him! But he’s a man, and he communicates like a man, he has the presence of a man. Men have a unique presence. It’s different from boys and men who never grew up. Yesterday, none of the male managers were at the store when I got there. Their shifts had ended earlier. The store felt like it had lost its basic structure and foundation. I wasn’t the only one who was listless. There have been other nights when the men left earlier and just a whole bunch of women closed up the store. My co-worker likes it when the men aren’t around. I don’t. I like their presence. Even if we hardly cross paths, because they’re busy in their departments, and I in mine… just the fact that they’re around and we run into each other every once in a while, makes a world of difference to me. They light me up. They energize me. They make me happier. They ground me too. I love the way their brain works and how they look at things a bit differently than I do, and can get me out of a stuck path of thinking. Even thought that doesn’t happen every day, it’s just so delightful when it happens.
I find a man’s presence, deeply satisfying. The right kind of man. Not all men have the same kind of presence. The more honest, genuine and full of integrity they are, the better their presence. It is refreshing in some way. And reassuring. Peaceful. Liberating. The ex had none of these qualities in his presence because he was slave to his temper, and was under the impression that he was perfect, therefore he didn’t make any attempts to better himself. I’ve been in the presence of creeps as well. I do not consider them ‘men’. I’m not talking of ‘perfect men’ either, because there isnt’ such a man. But any man who is working at becoming a better version of himself… they have a good presence.
At the store yesterday, a man came by and chatted with me for a while. He was angry on my behalf, about the store closing. He shared his experiences with inconsiderate bosses and owners that he’d worked for. Then he asked if I knew where I wanted to work after the closing. I told him I hadn’t started looking at my options. He immediately assumed that I was married, and that I wasn’t responsible for any bills on my own, and that I had the option to ‘float’ for a bit, and look for a good place to work. I wasn’t offended at any of his assumptions, and I didn’t try to correct him, because the truth is, I DO have ‘float time’. And although I already knew that I wasn’t working there for the money, when I walked around the store later that night, I figured out WHY I was there. The store has been my home. The place I always wanted to go back to. The place where I was me. The place where I belonged and mattered. It’s familiar stuff and routines, were a source of comfort. I had responsibilities, but also freedom. I had no need to pretend, I was known, and trusted and respected and loved, and i had the feeling that the others had my back. That’s why I always went back, and couldn’t leave, even though the pay was pathetic. I wasn’t there for the money. It was a relationship. Not a job. You go to work for money. You build a relationship, for everything else other than money!
My home, is incomplete without the presence of a man. But, more than anything, I just want to do all I can right now, to make myself at home in this little apartment, even though it’s temporary, and too small. When he shows up, there’ll be a space waiting for him.
Today was a difficult day. Lost my joy, and everything else went away with it. Never been so exhausted at work. Couldn’t focus, couldn’t think. Then, a half hour before the store closed, I finished with my work, and decided I would walk through the rest of the store, just looking. At some point, my thoughts began to focus – and I suddenly became aware of my heart’s deepest desire. To create a home. A home for myself and for those I love. A place where we will all be happy and safe. I’ve been in transit all my life. I never dig in and settle down. Something keeps me moving, if not physically, then i’m moving mentally. I don’t have a home. I’ve always had a place to live, but, no place has ever been MY HOME.
I’ve always been under the impression, that a home cannot be created without the presence of a man. Perhaps i’m right, perhaps i’m not. I don’t know. All I know is, that right now, there’s no man in my life. Will I have to find the right man before I can feel at home? It seems wrong to depend on someone else for something that I need so deeply. But how do I go about providing a home for myself? To be honest, I don’t know.
There’s only two thoughts in me right now – I need to go home & I need to make a home.
~ vino
Hi Heidi!
To feel valuable, seen & desirable – do I need a man to feel these things?
Yes and No. No – because – I’ve changed a lot in the past 10+ years. I value others more than I used to, and so, I don’t ‘rate’ the friendship and attention I receive based on who is offering it to me. Some of my most valued ‘relationships’ last a minute or two with a child! If I can connect with a little person, engage them in some way, make them smile, or distract them from a tantrum, it totally makes my day, because we’ve connected and I’ve made them feel comfortable and created trust! 🙂
To me, men are like aliens that I haven’t made contact with yet. lol 🙂 I don’t have any statistics on how men see me or feel about me. Not romantically. I know i’m respected and valued and totally trusted at work. I’m seen as, and treated as an equal. My ideas and thoughts are respected and I am listened to. Even though, i’m far from being in a managerial role, I’ve been put in charge of things, or other younger employees. So, I know, i’m valued, and seen, and trusted.
Desirable? I seem to be desirable to some men on the dating sites – men that aren’t desirable to me! I don’t know what to do about them. Especially if they actually read my profile and start an intelligent conversation, I feel like it’s not polite, but also not in line with who I am, if I totally disregard them. Some men – Asians/Indians/etc – I DO disregard, because I know how their brains work and I don’t trust them. I talked to THREE men yesterday, none of whom I was interested in! I’m not sure why I wasn’t interested BEFORE I started talking to them, but within minutes, they said stuff that confirmed that I can’t have a relationship with them. Now, I don’t know what to do, because they think I spent time with them because i’m interested in them! lol 🙂 And since i’m a polite, understanding person to talk to, it gives more of an impression that i’m interested, when i’m not.
So, now i’m pondering if I should meet with everyone I make contact with ONCE! after all, not everyone can communicate themselves very well online. If anything, i’ll get into the habit of going out without the kids! lol 🙂
but I don’t have time for all that! Plus, some of the men who write to me are depressed, and as much as my heart goes out to them, I cannot get involved, because a depressed person has the tendency to get too attached too soon! 🙁 and since I have a tendency to get depressed myself…. I need to take care of myself!
time to rest for a while! lol 🙂
~ vino
Omg, Heidi! You’re the girl in high school that I envied the most and wanted to be like! 🙂
Did you read the article that was posted this morning? https://beirresistible.com/what-a-cup-of-coffee-can-tell-you-about-your-relationship-mistakes/#more-7385
It has a perfect analogy for what you were trying to help me see in relation to Bossy Trigger Lady.
I think it’s really amazing how one of the things that make your life peaceful is that you’re better at knowing whom to let into your life! That is totally one of the things that makes my life more peaceful too! I was so desperate for attention that I was willing to take ANY kind of attention, including the ones that hurt, because, for the moment, it made me feel like I existed. I always tried to be what I thought people wanted me to be, so I could somehow earn their friendship and keep it. So, I lost touch with who I truly was, and always felt lonely, because the REAL ME, didn’t have any friends! I was terrified, that if my Realness showed, I wouldn’t have a single friend.
It’s a bit challenging to transfer those lessons to a romantic relationship though, and I have found that I fall easily for any kind of attention, and am completely able to ignore any discomfort or pain, for the sweet moments of attention. Which brings me to – an update on my situation with JB. I am convinced 100% that he is completely true, and has every intent to meet with me. At the same time, I have noticed that my emotional connection with him has been weakening. I believe I’ve mentioned that I AM writing to others too, but couldn’t connect with anyone like I did with JB. So, my heart was set on JB till a few days back. I started to notice that I spent a lot more time on him than he did on me. And I wasn’t ok with it anymore. So, it has become easier and easier to NOT write to him, when he doesn’t respond to an email right away, or within a day or two. He’s a very busy man. He had two shifts back to back on New Year’s. He sent me a text when he went in to work, and a message when he got back – he’d been gone for 21 hours! I don’t need anybody’s attention every single day, plus, I like a man who works hard, so that’s not the issue. The issue is, i’m getting mixed signals. I can’t tell how interested he TRULY is, in discovering what kind of a relationship we could build. Some of our conversations are so deep and personal, and then, there’s others, that are a complete disconnect. I know, that part of the disconnect is the lack of direct contact, but, I’ve had enough conversations with so many different kinds of people, that I feel confident in my ability to recognize consistency. He isn’t lying, but he doesn’t know himself deeply enough, to know what he truly wants.
So, last night, I updated my profile again and flipped through more men’s profiles. I ended up chatting with a guy for over an hour. It was entirely different from every other conversation I’ve had to date! lol 🙂 How many different kinds of men ARE there?! The whole entire time, we just naturally slipped into being completely and totally silly! It’s been the most fun connection I’ve had so far! And it ended with him asking me to pick a movie that he could take me to. So, I spent another hour online after we stopped talking, watching trailers of the movies that are currently playing. You know, it’s been 20 years since I’ve watched a movie with another adult, and without the children!
One of the things that I’ve always thought about, while analyzing my relationships, is if it’s possible to have a totally silly relationship with an adult male. The reason that came up, was because my kids and I, completely connect through being silly. There was a time, when I was driving my son home from school, and out of the blue I said to him: “I can’t believe you did this to me! How could even THINK that it was ok to do that?” – He responded without the slightest surprise: “I didn’t have a choice, you’re such a nag and you’re ALWAYS making me miserable” – The thing is, we were just driving in silence, and absolutely nothing had happened, but for about 5 minutes, we had a very heated argument about a non-existent drama, and it was totally hilarious. (I’ve paraphrased our conversation, since I dont’ remember the exact exchange. lol )
Anyway, I remember thinking one day, many years ago, that it would be truly awesome if I could have a 100% pure silly conversation with a man. I wondered if I could overcome my self-consciousness enough to carry it off. With the kids, I already have a solid relationship, so it’s easy to slip into all kinds of conversations because we just know each other. But, I wasn’t sure if it would work in adult friendships, because we don’t have a history of knowing each other. It happens at work, on occasion, but again, there’s direct contact there, and you know who can be silly with you and who can’t. When we were unloading boxes a few days back, one of the other women mentioned that they were all going to get together sometime, close to when the store closes, and she invited me, and then, I said a few things that cracked her up, and she said, “You wouldn’t have trouble finding a job after the store closes… you could be a stand up comedian!” lol 🙂
I was at my divorce support group yesterday morning, and two of the men there, were super depressed. I got a chance to see how adult men deal with difficult situations. It was interesting to note that no matter how much the other man and I tried to support them, they weren’t supportable. I remember being in the same place as they were. They were still in the place where they needed to wallow in and feel their pain. Well… one of them, yes. The other man has had 3 years to stop wallowing and he hasn’t. For the one guy, it was fresh – he had just decided to not talk to a best friend anymore (an hour before he came to the meeting) and it surprised him how much it hurt because it was his decision to stop talking to her. So he was wondering if it was ok for him to grieve his loss. And he was wondering why he even felt such a loss. So, I told him, he had to grieve his loss, and not second guess his feelings. And that the reason he was so affected was probably because she was someone he’d been able to connect with on an emotional level, although there was nothing romantic.
All this to say – there was no room for a silly conversation with a man who is in pain. It would’ve inconsiderate on my part to turn things silly, but also, they were just not I a place to enjoy silliness.
JB and I have had a few lighthearted conversations. But nothing that lasted as long as with my Silly Friend from last night! lol 🙂
~ vino
Hi Heidi!!
Trigger Lady – I understand what you’re saying now… she didn’t cause the judgmental attitude I had towards her… I already had the fuel, and she lit it. So, even if she didn’t light it, I still carry the fuel – the judgmental attitude – towards a certain characteristic or behavior – that is a trigger. So, in figuring out what it is about her that triggers me… I can get rid of the judgmental fuel I carry and not get triggered by her or others like her again! Excellent exercise! Thankyou!
Truth is, I don’t want to see her pain, because I don’t care that much. However… I do want to know what it is, because it affects me. So, her pain is, whatever her insecurity… is making her feel like she has to be in control. She could be feeling totally helpless, if she’s not in control. She could be feeling overwhelmed by all her responsibilities and the expectations she places on herself, and what others place on her, and she’s tired from everything she has to do, with no help, and nobody ever thanks her for her efforts. She never has a moment to rest, and if she does rest, she feels guilty. So, in order to meet the demands on her, she feels like she has to control everything and everyone around her. The less able she is, to control others, the more frustrated she gets and the more controlling…. and a vicious cycle is born, that she’s trapped in. And she feels trapped too.
Well… sounds like a described myself… lol 🙂 I had help breaking out of my cycle. Perhaps she triggered me because I have no sympathy for anyone who is like me and who doesn’t make the effort to change.
I suppose I could still be compassionate towards her, because, she was probably not as fortunate as I have been in the kinds of people who came into her life. I couldn’t have changed if someone hadn’t been kind to me…
About Weakness – I wonder if we’re saying the same thing, but from different directions? What kind of things did you take on to prove that you were strong? What kind of drama did you create? What does your peace look like now?
The reason i’m asking is, I feel like my life may have been different from yours. I avoided a lot of activities, because of how much I hated myself. The kind of stress I filled up with, was from the desire to go out and make friends but being too afraid to. So, I always, always, always felt left out. And, of course, I was, nobody really knew I existed because I was always hiding myself. I must’ve, at some point, learned how to hide in pain sight because my sister actually thought I was an extrovert! she said, I always knew what to say to someone and, I honestly don’t remember that at all, and I never had a ‘circle of friends’ or even a circle of one friend, till I went to nursing school.
Anyway – fast forward to now – I do not see weakness or stress as a negative thing. There’s two ways to relate to stress in unhealthy ways – to take on too much and to take on too little – this is from the physical world – which I think, is a parallel of the mental world. You need the right amount of stress to experience growth – eustress. Since the body and mind are connected, the stress slots they share are connected. So, if you are worried about a lot of things, you aren’t going to be able to lift the same weights as on a mentally good day or run the same distance, because your body feels weaker. Weakness, is simply a message, from your body to your mind that it’s time to take a break and de-stress.
There’s an ebb and flow to all things, and ‘weakness’ is like low tide – a time for rest and activities that aren’t as demanding, mentally or physically. Each day is different from the next. I observed how my body/mind works, and noticed that on certain days of the week, I was able more effective physically, and on other days, I was more effective mentally. Time of day too! Mornings are physical, and Evenings are mental. So, if I sit down to read or write in the morning, I fall asleep – my mind is weak at that time. If I try to clean the house or do laundry at night – my body is weak, and it takes too much effort, so I don’t. I cannot make phone calls on Monday, because, my body is at it’s peak on Mondays, and I am too restless to deal with official matters. Tuesday, is my mental peak day, so I can make a call and be put on hold for an hour and it won’t faze me. But, on Monday, I can’t talk for more than 30 seconds without feeling the need to hang up.
Vulnerability is a whole other thing to me! lol 🙂
Vulnerability is the act of stepping out of your armor. You need to be extremely strong to do that, because you are totally prepared to face any negative reaction you might trigger in others. it doesn’t require vulnerability to cry alone in the dark. Vulnerability is the goal – no walls – no armor – just me and you.
Ah, words and definitions! lol 🙂
I have a feeling I still haven’t explained myself clearly enough.
~ vino
PS – I do agree with your definitions of strength and weakness – as facing your fears vs running away… that’s one side of those words. that’s the definition I used for ‘weak people’ – the ones who don’t want to change and choose to stay weak… I think we need to color code our different definitions! lol 🙂
Completely off topic – I just saw something about myself and recognized a thought that drives me – I like a challenge, because I feel like there’s a solution to every problem. Just because an answer hasn’t been found yet, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. I just feel so strongly, that anything is possible!
And i’d be endlessly thrilled to be the one to solve such an unsolvable problem. I remember saying to someone, that it’s entirely possible to live on a minimum wage job. I mean, isn’t it based on some kind of calculations that take into consideration the cost of living and such things?
It just occurred to me, that the reason I have never considered looking for higher paying jobs, could be because I stuck myself into a challenge without meaning to, and now I have to prove it!
I remember, in nursing school, this man that was a long time patient that nobody liked because he was just so grumpy and mean all the time. I had to give him a shot once, and when I was done, he was surprised, he turned to me with the biggest smile on his face, and he said: “You’re done?! I didn’t feel it!” Not only did I see him and his grumpy meanness in a whole new way, I got a high from his comment that was unbelievable!
But, I haven’t done much with my life… for all my desires to Solve the Unsolvable, and Cure the Incurable, and Love the Unlovable and Satisfy the Insatiable… I wonder if I am my own challenge?!
