[Vino]

lol 🙂 Thank you for not giving me the answer Heidi! 🙂

and i love how you’ve described the process as a treasure hunt, because that’s the way i see it too. you’ve given me an awesome checklist to go through! So, i’ll number my responses.

1. i absolutely LOVE encountering triggers. (unless i’m too tired for it and get annoyed lol 🙂 ) For the past 4 years, i’ve been working on myself so much that i hardly get triggered, so then, when i DO get triggered, it’s exciting for me, because i have found a space to explore. 😀

2. i like seeing new perspectives and new feelings as flowers along the way. I’ve been noticing this more lately, when i suddenly feel something i’ve never felt before and i pause and wonder what it is. I think it’s SO ABSOLUTELY AWESOME to come across a new feeling or new perspective. Personally, i don’t think it’s truly new — it was just hidden under all the junk and i’ve just uncovered it. But it’s so good to find space to bring out and enjoy the hidden treasures!

3. So then you can ask…where have I felt this before? Who in my life has made me feel like this a million times? I actually came up with this idea several years ago, when i invested in my first coaching class. They were trying to help us to manage our intense emotions with the idea that we absorb ideas and thought patterns from those around us, so a lot of them aren’t even our own, so we can reject these things by saying they are not ours. I found SOME value in idea, because i started to recognize similar thought patterns in others and wondered if i’d adopted their thoughts at some point. HOWEVER, it was too much of a leap to reject all of my thoughts and feelings as if they were all from someone else, because they sure as hell felt like my own, SO, i decided i would ACCEPT them as my own and use them as a magnet. Meaning — whenever an intense thought or feeling came up, i would sit with it, and use that intensity as a flashlight to dig into my past, and find ALL other moments in my life when i had felt the same, so i could group them together and get a bigger picture of what is causing that intense feeling. i called it ‘fishing’. And when shared my idea with my coach, she was quite surprised that i had found a way to USE my feelings instead of outright just rejecting them as ‘not mine’.

So, i developed a positive relationship with my feelings and thoughts and it doesn’t matter to me whether they are my own or that of others. Regardless of their source, i have found enough value in them that i’ve been carrying them around, so that’s good enough for me and i use them all as tools to dig into myself.

4. I ALWAYS ask is “Okay God. Show me the truth about my feelings. Show me the truth about what is being triggered within me.” And then I just leave it and let it percolate and stay open for the answer whenever it chooses to arrive.
This is so cool that you do this! i’ve been doing this as well, ever since i became Catholic. I invited God into EVERY part of my life, including areas of life that i would have to later confess as sins. i invite God into it, and i ask him to show me what’s at the root of my sin. i explore my intense desires and thoughts and feelings with him ALL the TIME, no matter if they are ‘good’ or ‘bad’. And i absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE doing this! There are places that i can invite only God into, because of how massive the confusion is in that area and it would take a million years to get enough of a grip on it so i can communicate it to another person. But, with God, it becomes SO EASY because he can already see everything and i don’t need to explain anything to him, so … OH, i LOVE exploring with God!

5. So I’m being the “mother” to myself in a moment where someone else emotionally vommited all over me. And it’s those moments, where we have the opportunity to love and support ourselves, in the face of rejection, that self-love truly grows.

OMG! i absolutely LOVE this! Because you just triggered me! lol 😀 i can’t STAND the thought of ‘mothering’! i would never, ever, ever ‘mother’ myself. i see where you’re coming from — you’re creating a space to love yourself and build yourself up. But the last time i felt rejected was when JB told me to never write to him again over 3 years ago. THAT is when i dug into my rejection wound, because i never wanted to become so weak when i got rejected.

There’s also the contrast between where the rejection comes from. IF it’s from women, i don’t see it as rejection at all, and it doesn’t affect me, mentally or emotionally. When she was trying to tear down my character, i listened carefully, and used it as a checklist to see if there was any truth to what she said. NONE of her words reached ANY of my emotions. And this is actually what concerned me — underneath my ability to care about people, AM I a cold dead person? How did i go from feeling compassion towards her to becoming SO COLD towards her in a space of just a few weeks? Is it possible that this would happen with others too? Like my children and JB? IF so, what can i do to prevent it from happening with people i truly care about? Also, how can i tell the difference between when i ‘truly’ care about someone and don’t truly care – as it turned out with her? There was obviously something that was different because i felt no remorse about walking out of her life.

6. And if you say yes, when you really want to say no, then you are not having integrity with yourself first and foremost. I know for me, I didn’t have much integrity in what I said, and it made sense once I started my treasure hunt on that topic specifically. Now, I’d say it’s one of my strongest qualities.

This is excellent! i think this is where the problem began. When i met her, i told her i wouldn’t be available for two weeks because of the holidays, my kids being there, my schedule was different from usual. I said this, because i needed time to think about whether i truly wanted to work for her or not. HOWEVER, i allowed myself to feel sorry for her and wanted to help her as much as i could. So, when she said, “Oh, i wish we could get started sooner…etc…” i thought – what harm would it do? SO i agreed to go for a few hours the same week.

Secondly, i told her that don’t always assess my own abilities 100% accurately, so i give myself UPTO 3 months to assess whether a job fits me or not. Well — i didn’t need that long to see that it was an ill fit, but she wasn’t willing to accept my assessment of my own abilities and wanted explanations. I wasn’t willing to give her explanations, because it’s none of her business and also, it’s taken me a TON of work to know myself and there isn’t time in the world to explain my inner workings to anyone else. You either believe me or you don’t. I don’t have time to waste on explanations. SO, when i refused to give her explanations, she started to make wild assumptions like i had a mental illness or some other horrible thing going on that made it impossible for me to work for her.

I also didn’t offer her any of the insights that i had gained about HER because i knew she wasn’t in a receptive space. The VERY FIRST time my hackles raised was when i had agreed to give her 4 hours on my day off (Jan 1st) – and she called and left a message with instructions and said: “Be prepared to stay longer”. She had crossed a line there. i called her back and told her i wouldn’t stay a minute longer than i’d agreed to ahead of time and she wasn’t too happy about it. SO, that day, i had no intention of working for her when i got there – i wanted to be decent and ‘break up’ with her face to face. However, when i got there, she was in no condition to talk. So i spent 4 hours building up her strength with meds and food before she could even speak. I would’ve left at the end of the 4 hours except that she started to discuss the schedule for the rest of the week and i said – yeah, about that — i actually came here today to tell you i cannot work for you. And that sent her into a bit of a shock.

Now here’s the thing – i totally understand where SHE’s coming from. She needs to control her interactions with others and she needs to be in charge of the whole arrangement, because she’s the one who needs all the help. So, i didn’t label her a narcissist even though she’s exhibiting every sign — it IS a work relationship and not a personal relationship. So, it’s none of my business what her problems are.

7. This is a bit of a stretch. While all of it may be true, you are operating under the assumption that they are consciously aware of any of this.

i didn’t mean that they were conscious of what’s going on underneath them. But hatred and meanness and bullying is deeply entwined with jealousy and envy. and you’re right – it makes sense that they do not have the strength to look into themselves. However, if i ever found myself in a situation of adult vs child — i would take the side of the actual child. i do that at work — they aren’t actual children — i take the side of ‘children’ by accepting their story as fully true. BUT i also don’t tear down the other staff. I tell the kids that what happened to them was unreasonable. But i also show them how easy it is to BE unreasonable when you have x, y, or z going on in your life. A bunch of them have taken to watching how i handle situations.

i have one girl, who pointed out that the other student wasn’t truly answering the question i had asked her, but i just observed and let it go. And i told her, that the other girl probably didn’t even realize that she wasn’t answering my question. Later, i recognized another reason for why she may not have answered my actual question – it could be that there wasn’t enough trust established yet, for her to feel safe enough to tell me the naked truth.

BUT – i’m the one who has done more digging, so i’m the one is better equipped to know others are coming from. I used to think it unfair that i could change my perspective to see things from another person’s point of view, but they didn’t have the decency to spend some time to see how i see things… but i’ve decided that they are just not able. So, many times, i don’t even bother looking for opportunities to share my perspective – unless they express interest. Instead, i ask them questions that i’ve asked myself countless times in order to dig into myself. So, although it seems like a random conversation in which i’m interested in them, i’m making them dig into themselves. is that sneaky? lol 🙂

So, if i were having a conversation with one of those mean women, i wouldn’t at all judge her actions. i would absolutely ask her more questions about WHY a child is driving her so insane that she had to react that way. And i would ask her many ‘what if’ questions to see if she’s open to other ways of handling a wild child. I don’t expect people to understand or even accept what i’ve noticed about Wild Children. They have very kind and gentle hearts. They are not wild from a place of malice. They have a LOT of energy and they need discipline so they can direct all that energy in ways that don’t harm them or others. But one must never forget that they have tender hearts. i think we all start out with tender hearts and then, we get wounded and jaded over time.

i have to get ready for work! 🙂

~ vino

[Vino]

That’s why I explore all of my decisions, searching for the core root energy/program/belief that is sourcing a desire, choice, behavior etc. That’s what helped me become quite masterful at reading the subconscious signals within myself, as well as others, so I was able to “read between the lines” so to speak. At first, it was more of survival mechanism I developed, because I could tell what I should REALLY expect compared to what people were presenting to me. Now, it’s just a skill I have and I don’t need to use it to “protect” myself from getting hurt anymore.

THIS!! i have been doing this a lot lately – exploring my decisions so i can understand my ‘instinct’ better.

I got myself into a situation that my have some negative repercussions. End of december, i agreed to work part time for a disabled woman. A few times a week, to help her get ready in the morning, when she’s generally weaker. She regains her strength after she’s had her meds and breakfast. So, i thought it would be something simple and when i met with her, our conversation went smoothly and she was in the stronger period of her day, and was very pleasant. I tried to tell her i wouldn’t be able to start right away because my kids were home for the holidays and the schedule at work was different as well, so, i wouldn’t be available till the new year. However, she was very persuasive, and said she’d really love to start as soon as possible so she can start getting stronger because she had a lot of paperwork that needed to get done and she could really use the help. SO, against my better judgement, i agreed to get started sooner and made time for her during the winter break, when my kids were home. After the 3rd or 4th visit, i started to notice something inside of me that was hitting the brakes SO HARD and i felt my heart going cold towards her, and began to dread going to her.

SO, on Jan 1st, which was my day off, when i had agreed to help her for 4 hours (and she asked for 2 more hours and i refused) – i had made up my mind that i would go, not to work that day, but to tell her i cannot work for her. Well, when i got there, she was having a bad day and was quite weak and unable to talk, till after she’d had her meds and food. (her other aide was there to help me learn as well). Well. when i was leaving, she brought up the schedule for the rest of the week, and i told her i had hoped to have a chance to talk to her, but wasn’t able to as she wasn’t strong enough to talk, but i couldn’t continue anymore. She was devastated. We spoke for about an hour, and again, because i had signed a paper that said i’d give her a minimum of a 2 week notice, i agreed to come for 2 more weeks. I wasn’t able to go in again, because i got the covid later that week, and missed another whole week of work (and 25% of my paycheck). So when i finally went back to her, last Saturday, i gave her my resignation letter, dated from the day we had our phone conversation when i’d told her i was quitting.

She refused to take the house key back. Tried to talk me into returning. Wanted to negotiate an ‘on-call’ contract (which, over the phone, she’d said it would be to buy her groceries in case her other aide wasn’t able to, but she wanted regular help and i told her i didn’t not want to step inside her house again). Anyway. Long story short, she told me there would be consequences for abandoning a case, that it would affect my career negatively and nobody would ever hire me again, and on an on, to which i said i didn’t care, about all that, because my wellbeing matters more to me than career and whatnot. Then she told me i was a dangerous person if i didn’t care and i shouldn’t be working with minors, etc. Well — i had to go to work, so after 40 minutes of this exchange, i put her key on her desk and told her i wasn’t returning, and left.

Well. that’s the end of that. unless she has connections who can stir up some crap for me. And i know i’m only a number to employers so… it’s entirely possible she could get me fired. So, i’ve been playing out court scenes in my mind. And i have a question that i wish i’d asked her. IF i’m such a dangerous person, why on earth does she want me to go back to help her during the weakest time of her day? Isn’t she afraid i’d harm her in some way? Even when she regains her full strength, i’d still be physically stronger than her! Anyway. She can do what she wants. i’m ready to lose all that i have. I don’t have much anyway. And those who know me, know me. So, it’s all good.

BUT — i’ve been trying to figure myself out for the past 2 days. AS i observed the way i handled her, i realized i wasn’t behaving like my usual self. My heart rate was quite high and i was on very high alert and i felt very cornered. The more i thought about my emotions, the more i recognized the Guard Dog. My Guard Dog was RABID! so, i pictured myself walking beside my Guard Dog, trying to see the threat that he was seeing. And also, trying to identify what it is that he’s trying to protect. What was she aiming for, that raised his hackles? I still can’t find it, but it is something of great importance to me.

In relating my story to my oldest, he said the only thing that was obvious at the moment was TIME. That i didn’t have the time for her, and whatever time i gave her was taking away time from myself. And this is true. But why was i protecting my time in such a rabid way? What am i saving my time for? what do i want to spend my time on instead? Whatever the case, now that i’ve ‘broken up’ with her – my Guard Dog has settle down. (he’s a massive, no nonsense bull dog!) i should find him a good name. lol 🙂 He has ZERO humor. And he will NOT be distracted by treats. Gosh, he was just so set and unbudging that he didn’t even care if he was being unreasonable. Whatever line he’s guarding, is a very strong boundary. And this woman, something about this woman, had the ability to cross that boundary, and he wasn’t having it. I took on his single-minded focus on guarding, and lost all compassion for her. I wasn’t going to hurt her, but i sure as hell wasn’t going to let her take even the smallest step closer to me. But i still haven’t figured out what the threat was! How do i figure that out? the reason i want to know exactly what i was guarding is because i want to know WHO my Guard Dog allows in! IS there a place that i’m not allowing ANYONE into? IF so, what is that place? Is it a wounded place? IF it is a wounded place, i want to know what the wound is so i can pull it apart and let it heal.

Talk about an adventure! i wasn’t expecting that at all! lol 🙂

I have no doubt that those female teachers probably grew up in abusive, neglectful homes and were not strong enough to break the cycle. I have found that many people who grew up feeling powerless in their lives, end up in jobs where they get to have “power over,” trying to compensate for the amount of powerlessness they feel. And of course, those kinds of people just continue the cycle and cause a lot of damage.

This is true. But how badly do you have to be damaged yourself that you can turn around and be mean to a bunch of little 7 year olds who had absolutely nothing to do with your wounds? in my opinion, they have absolutely NO EXCUSE for passing on the abuse that they themselves received. Children are little! no matter how nasty and annoying they are, you do not shred their dignity! what defense do they have left when you destroy their personhood?!

omg. i think i just got my answer! they did what they did because they HATE the fact that they themselves have no dignity left and when they see these beautiful little children who are still mostly whole under their care, they can’t stand the fact that they are no longer beautiful themselves! And they’re like: IF i lost my dignity, you can’t have any either! they don’t see them as children who are much younger than themselves… they see them as equals or even greater than themselves! they are full of envy, and jealousy and hate. it isn’t just children that they would abuse, they would try to destroy ANYONE who is more whole than they are!

BUT — i can’t find any compassion in my heart towards such women. even if i know that they were abused themselves and had a hard life. Some of the gentlest people in the world are the ones who’ve been abused the most, so they have absolutely NO EXCUSE for their own ugly attitudes! of course, if they want to change, that’s a whole other story. THEN, i would be able to look at their wounds instead and help them look for ways to heal. Until then, i’m on the side of the Children.

For me, it translates by understanding that when I judge or criticize another, I am judging and criticizing myself as well. When I love another, I am loving myself. There may be different colors, different cultures, different beliefs, different everything…but we are united even from the simple fact that we have 1 thing in common…we are all human living on earth….and that gives us all something in common that makes us united.

I fully agree with this. I used the Disabled Lady as a mirror for myself and checked to see all the ways in which i was like her. I listened to her accusations, that i’m a liar, unreliable, insubordinate, wanting to do things my own way, etc etc… and searched for any truth in all that she said. And in all honesty, there was a lot of truth in what she said. I’ve noticed many times, that the truth, when it is 100% true, can actually sound like a really good lie that is used to control and manipulate! And about being reliable, she’s right about that to. i need to CHOOSE to be reliable — which causes me to examine how i make that choice of when to be reliable and when not to care?! SO — there ARE inconsistencies in me. And she’s right about me being insubordinate too! i AM absolutely going to stand up for myself and that ABSOLUTELY is insubordination. And that’s not going to change. I used to stand up for others, and allow myself to get walked over, and i used to feel abandoned because there was no one willing to bat for me in the same way that i was willing to bat for them. Then, i decided i’d whined long enough and if i could stand up for others, i totally had the ability to stand up for myself too, and didn’t need to wait for anyone else to speak up for me. i am totally worth defending, and i’m not even ashamed of myself for taking my own side against a disabled woman. lol 🙂

BUT — i also thought about what it would take to be ‘one’ with someone like her. Sure, we’re both human and we have that in common. And if we could communicate without triggering each other, we’d find a lot more in common. But there’s no unity between us, because our goals oppose each other. To her, her own well being is important, and to me, mine is more important. She couldn’t understand why i felt like i was giving up mine in order to prioritize hers. This is where a million subconscious things come into play that i can’t list one by one. But i trust my gut. There was some kind of unfair exchange happening.

So — in any situation of ‘unity’, no matter what our origins are, if the place we’re headed isn’t the same, it makes no difference that we came from the same place. To break it down into a more personal area – i no longer have any unity with my own family, even though our relationship is quite healthy. The fact that i’m Catholic, has created a separation in the depth of our spiritual conversations. I don’t even remember what the focus of my spiritual life used to be when my belief system was the same as theirs. There are entire conversations that would sound like gibberish to them and there are things that are extremely precious to me that i would never share with them.

Just like love, there is the most advanced spiritual form of love…agape love, but then once you place love in the hands of the human/ego perspective, it changes the frequency of love which means love has many levels and perspectives. Does this make sense? Not sure if it gives you more to think about or not. I’d love to hear your journey with this one. It’s always interesting!

yes, i believe i understand what you’re saying. We add our own flavors to whatever is passed on to us. For right now, i’ve decided to leave other people out of my unity journey and work on getting myself in synch with God. Since he is the source of love – agape love – if i get myself more in alignment with him, i will find unity with others who are also drawing closer to Him. And i AM curious to know how God loves each of us. i tried really hard to see the disabled lady through a lens of love, but i just couldn’t. That’s why i think there is this part of me that needs more work — why did i feel like it was a me vs her situation? what would need to happen in order for BOTH of our needs to be met? Or is it a lot simpler? like – i was never meant to be in her life at all!!!! simply because i don’t have room for it right now!

Thanks for listening, Heidi! 🙂

~ vino

• This reply was modified 3 months ago by Vino.

[Vino]

Oh! I wanted to also ask you…I’m curious…how do you feel towards women these days? For quite a while, you had an instant need to protect yourself from them and you struggled more with women compared to men. So I’m wondering where you are sitting with all of that these days

so interesting that you’d ask me this! lol 🙂 I was just thinking about it a few days back! The theme of our Bible readings this month is unity. and one of the prayers is based on a prayer that Jesus prayed for our unity – he prayed that God would make us one like he and God are one. It’s a simple prayer, that just reverses the words, and we ask God to make US one as they are one. SO then — i was praying it without paying attention and two nights back, i zoomed in on it and thought about specific people when i prayed it and realized i don’t want to become one with ANYONE. lol 😀 except for JB. And i was ok with it in relation to my kids but i was aware that perhaps THEY Don’t want to become ‘one’ with me. This really got me curious about what my mind was thinking with the concept of ‘one’ that i was open to exploring it with JB but not anyone else.

I think, in relation to JB – being ‘one’ or united, means open to getting close enough to know each other inside out and i’m ok with all parts of what that might entail – no matter if it’s good or bad or ugly, or everything in between. But, with anyone else, i’m very keenly aware of the degree of effort it would take to be so open to letting just receiving a whole person like that and i don’t want to put in that much effort. Especially mutual receiving – which means i would have to be open to GIVING myself without holding back as well, and i don’t want to let anyone that far into my life.

And i don’t think God wants us to have the same degree of depth in all our relationships, i don’t think we’re all equally strong enough to support the same depth… but i am curious about my lack of willingness to even be open to the idea of other deep relationships. I need to know what Jesus meant in his prayer, because according to my definition of unity and oneness, i don’t want to be one with everyone else. lol 🙂

i am capable of showing respect to anyone and everyone and that comes across to a lot of the students as ‘caring’. Which, i do, but how long am i going to remember them when our paths separate? it takes effort to keep in touch and be in each other’s lives.

Does this answer your question? lol 🙂 it seems EVERYONE, including men, have fallen to the place that the women were. lol 🙂

The level of connection, love, and acceptance you have offered him, I’m sure has brought so much peace and healing to his soul…especially considering his job and how much darkness he sees in humanity.

Oh, i got a message from JB last night — he said he’d been rereading my letters to him and was deeply touched. He didn’t elaborate and i didn’t dig. i didn’t even know he saved my letters. lol 🙂

i know a bit of what he went through as a child – for some reason – every year, for 7 years straight, starting from 2nd grade, he had an extremely mean female teacher. He STILL remembers their names! and there’s only one of two reasons you remember a person’s name for this long – they either loved you or they hated you. I am just so mad at those women for hurting a little boy. He wasn’t the only boy they were mean to, but he got the brunt of it. And i know what he’s describing, because it happened in my school too — there was one boy that attracted all the meanness, even if it was the boy next to him who caused trouble. But also, women seem to have such a low tolerance for the energy of a young boy. They never thought twice about the needs of a boy and expected boys to be just as capable as girls to sit down and learn. (which only the physically unfit boys were able to do).

He told me he didn’t deserve to pass from one grade to the next but they pushed him along because his dad was a valued member of the community. So there was that added burden that also held him back – he just wasn’t ready for the next level of material too. Then, when he got to high school, he said something clicked in his mind and suddenly, he was able to understand what he was learning and barely had to study for a test and could easily pass. But, by then the damage was done to his little boy soul. Anyway. I always had a soft spot for the boys in my class who were disliked by the teachers. lol 🙂 One day, i had him write to me about those women and i imagined that as he wrote about each of them, and named them, the poisons that they poured into him, would pour back out. I’m going to have to go back some day and find out if it helped the way i’d envisioned! 🙂 of course, i didn’t tell him why i wanted him to do that, and it’s always been interesting to me that he has so much trust in me that he never asks why i dig into parts of him, he just lets me. that makes me want to protect his heart more. lol 🙂

The attachment that can happen with “stuff” can run soooooo deep for some people. People who have the “hoarding” type of energy are dealing with the “womb” affect. In a very general explanation of this, the womb is the last place they really felt “safe” and “protected” in their lives, so they essentially end up, very unconsciously, creating a type of “womb” with their homes by have a VERY small space to move around in.

i’d never heard it called a womb affect – but i have surely been curious about attachment to stuff. i had begun to notice my own attachments, and i’d dug into why i have trouble letting go of some things and not others, and i had this image of strings attaching me to various things. The less strings i have, the less attached i am. And i noticed that some strings, i can cut, but others, are still too live. my desire is to cut all my strings, because i have begun to see each attachment as a loss of freedom. BUT, i also see the place of it in my life — what is it that i gain from that attachment? And a lot of times, it’s something of value to me — like all my craft books, which i’m never going to get to — i noticed that when i flipped through those endless designs, it created a sense of excitement in me of the possibilities, and that made me feel free. Once i was able to identify the exact feeling i was gaining from each attachment, i was then able to decide if i still needed it in order to feel that way, or if i could let it go. So, when i moved — i let go of 7 to 8 boxes of yarn and several boxes of patterns as well!

BUT — for sure, our attachments serve a purpose! it even creates feelings of being valued – because we connect having certain things as being valued — and for me crafts did that as well – because growing up, i didn’t have access to all these exciting craft things and my parents didn’t think it was worthwhile to spend so much money on ‘just fun’ stuff – so we were limited to the basics of fun stuff — and when i got to the US, i loaded up on crafts because i wanted to try EVERYTHING. BUT, i also felt guilty because of all the money i was spending on myself, so, i didn’t make things for myself – i made things to donate or give away as gifts. Wow. it’s been a long time since i went through that part of myself! i gave away everything i had purchased for others and decided i was going to spend on ME and make things for ME, and i kept only things that i wanted for ME. That was a major purging as well! 🙂

[Vino]

Ok, that makes total sense! one would have to be organized to be able to do business successfully! 🙂

yes, i don’t want the kids to change in ways to please ‘me’. i am a temporary part of their lives, and i want them to take any changes they make WITH them. For that to happen, they have to invite those changes into their lives. If i do contribute to changes in their lives and they go on to use that to affect those in their lives differently — oh wow! What a wonderful thing that would be!!! 🙂

the world of love is a beautiful place, isn’t it?! wow. you learn so much about yourself in there! i used to think that every kind of relationship was different somehow and yet… in the last 4 years, ALL of the lessons i learned from JB’s presence, has ABSOLUTELY changed the way i relate to my own kids too! i’ve become a better mother to them. I became more aware of areas that lacked trust. I learned how to look at them as individuals apart from me, so they could be free to be who they are meant to be. So, in setting JB free, i set everyone free. And i’m never going to attempt to hold on to anyone ever again. I see how crippling that is in a relationship.

How do ‘I’ feel about JB? Oh, thank you for asking me that question! 🙂 lol 🙂

i Do love the man! i would love to have the opportunity to do things for him. it brings me great joy just to see his face and hear his voice. He’s always in my thoughts. My heart is constantly looking for and finding things to share with him. There’s a kind of familiarity that i feel with him, that i’ve never felt before. Perhaps i’ve never been friends with any man for such a great length of time! i have this thing that i feel — i really want to touch his face. lol 🙂 i want to make him some Indian tea. Since it’s the only Indian thing i can do. lol 🙂 Maybe i’ll get the chance to do that when he visits. We’ve always only gone out, or else i’ve been to visit him. I don’t know if he’ll want to see my apartment – which is a total disaster right now, because i don’t have enough space to put away all my boxes.

I also gave away every last bit of furniture and i have absolutely nothing right now. I’ve been sleeping on the floor – got myself and the kids some air mattresses… lol 🙂 A neighbor got me a table. No chairs. We sit on the floor or on our air mattresses. Not exactly a guest friendly apartment right now. The kitchen has hardly any storage, so all my kitchen things are still in boxes. i want to buy myself a house. i’m tired of renting. lol 🙂

But my car has been costing me in repairs ever since i got it, and i just lost a week’s worth of wages this week due to Covid. BUT — i really needed the rest!

JB feels like a treasure to me. i really like having him close to my heart. 🙂 it makes me happy to be free to talk about him. I don’t talk about him to anyone else. I mentioned him to a friend in MN when i went to visit her last July. But, i didn’t want to tell her too much. I told her we were just friends, but he meant a lot to me. I didn’t want her to ask me more questions. but i DID want her to know about him. My kids know about him. But only as a friend. It’s way too obvious that we’re not dating. lol 🙂

on the other hand, they wouldn’t be surprised if i told them we’d started to date at some point.

His presence in my life has become like a gentle, and deep, peaceful lake. He’s just there. 🙂
in my heart, i’ve always been in a relationship with him. From even before i met him! lol 🙂
i would absolutely move forward with no hesitation. 🙂
He makes my heart smile. 🙂

~ vino

[Vino]

Oh Heidi, you’re way too organized with your phrases! an Excel spreadsheet! wow! that’s way too hightech for me! i just write them on pieces of paper! I write them at work too! on scrap office paper! And one time, i collected a whole bunch and mailed it to JB! I’ve been doing my own version of zentangle scribbles too. So i add that to my phrases and words. I made a whole bunch of those and tucked them into a book in random pages and mailed that to JB as well. I have a mind to write some on strips of paper and put them in a jar and pull them out like fortune cookies! lol 🙂 I printed a bunch of quotes i liked at work one day, and had the boys pick one each before they headed out to class. It was very interesting to me how each of them responded. Some refused to take one. Two of the boys who refused to take one — in the past month or so — have learned to trust me and oh, that gives me the feeling of such victory!

Yes… i DO know why i’m different… it’s quite basic — i don’t judge and i also don’t hold a grudge. The kids get a clean slate each day. I see all our clashes as opportunities to untangle something. It’s either miscommunication or it’s a trigger or it’s something else. I don’t blame them for anything. I also talk to them like they are 100% intelligent and fully capable of understanding me. I take them seriously when they tell me something. I show them respect. Perhaps that’s what they don’t recognize. I was never respected as a child, especially by my own family members. They seemed to think that love covers everything. To me, love is meaningless without respect. You can’t say you love someone if you don’t respect them! To say you love and not show respect is gaslighting. I also don’t take things personally. When they throw a tantrum and let loose a bunch of choice words, i am not offended. I also don’t show favoritism. Some kids are naturally able to have deeper and more frequent conversations with me, but that doesn’t make them any more special than the others. I also try to notice things about the kids that may get overlooked and then tell them about it — good things. Like the shy girl who was friends with another girl who got termed (cut off from the program for breaking rules)… i saw the way in which she took care of the other girl’s stuff and defended her when other students said mean things about her. So, i told her how beautiful her friendship for the termed girl was, because everyone deserves a friend and i was glad she was able to be a friend to this girl. she was totally surprised and her eyes lit up in a most delightful way. 🙂

i guess what i’m trying to do is to ‘feed the good wolf’ in all of them. But i’m not looking for things they “DO” – which others also look for and they get points for it, or get a good note in their file, etc. I’m looking for the good in their heart. It’s a bit harder to do, especially with those who are a bit more shy and don’t talk as much. And i don’t expect to be able to do it for all of them. But, i want to show them how to look deeper into themselves, without lecturing them. So i ask a lot of questions too. One question that hit a deep spot with one of the kids was a simple one: What question to you wish people would ask you? and when she answered, her whole body changed, her voice changed. i actually knew what she was going to say before she said it, because i thought of what my own answer would be, and i was right. A genuine: Are you ok? 🙂 there was a lot of pain when she responded but also — i thought — wow — she trusted me with that place of pain! We didn’t speak any further, but we didn’t need to. I also don’t expect the boys to be able to communicate or behave like the girls, and i don’t think they are toxic because of that, so i think that makes a difference too. lol 🙂

My kids are about 3 hours north of me — each in a different college. And yes — the older one, who was struggling — by the time the college thing happened, i had seen how she’d changed and gained strength and i felt such confidence in both of them leaving. I’m not sure what kind of confirmation i was looking for, to know that she’d be ready, but i knew it when it happened! i don’t give either of them a second thought anymore! i know they’ll be able to handle whatever comes their way. There is such a great degree of ease in our relationship with each other, that it totally surprises me! (it just crossed my mind that we probably have very healthy relationships! lol 😀 ) My older one is dating someone! I was surprised at my own response to that news — i didn’t feel the need to protect her. For two reasons — i know my children are fully aware of the risk of intimate relationships and secondly — some kinds of pains are worth going through. So even if their relationships don’t work out — i know — they will get hurt, but they will also learn and they will grow. And besides — they’ve both proven over the years that they are better at relationships than i am, so there’s that too! AT one point, i was worried that my kids’ would be taken advantage of in relationships because of how open-hearted and kind and gentle they are. But — they seem to be a lot wiser than i am with their trust! lol 🙂

The JB Saga — lol 🙂 — last time i saw him was before i moved — before i had a job. He invited me to spend a weekend with him — Saturday/Sunday. The plan was to spend Saturday exploring some of his favorite places, Mass on Sunday, and a leisurely afternoon before i head back. BUT — when i got to his apartment on Saturday morning, he wasn’t there. He’d gotten called in to work. So… i introduced myself to his cat and fell asleep on his couch. Actually, he’d sent a friend of his to make sure i had everything i’d need — she came by, asked if i needed food, etc. lol 🙂 He got back around 5 pm or so, and i’d woken up just a little bit before he got back. So we talked for a bit, and then he got showered and he’d made reservations for us along with two of his friends – the lady who’d come by to check up on me and another gentleman.

That was Saturday — when we got back from dinner, we didn’t do much because he’d had a long day at work. i thought his bed was the guest bed and fell asleep on it. (it was the smaller bed, how could i have known?! lol 😀 ) Next day, we went to church, then we wandered through some of the town and i left later in the evening, around 5 or 6 pm. Like all the times that we met before, it was very peaceful, and unhurried. We talked about everything except our relationship. So, i don’t know what kind of a relationship we are in! lol 🙂 But when i got back home, i thought about the weekend and realized a few things. i realized how AWESOME it was to have gotten to experience what it’s like to be a part of his life in real time. He had made so many plans and all his plans fell through because he got called in to work. This is the story of his life. He mentioned at least one woman who’s left him because of this.

He’d made a reservation, and big plans for valentines day. But, just at the end of his tour, he and his partner made an arrest. That meant, all plans cancelled till that got properly wrapped up. Since he was the junior officer at the time, he was left to handle the entire process while the other guy went off to take his wife to her valentine’s dinner (as it should be!). And that lucky lady who had his interest at that time, couldn’t understand why she didn’t have her valentine’s day dinner and got super upset and dumped him. I also remembered that i’m never comfortable enough in anyone’s home that i’d just fall asleep on their couch. But his home was so welcoming to me! And i was tired. lol 🙂

I write to him a lot. I wrote to him about the weekend, and how it made me feel. i know no one has written to him like i do. i don’t expect him to be able to write back to me the way i do. that’s my thing. i know he reads each letter carefully. my intent is to just let him see my heart. And i’ve shared with him how my heart has changed in the past 4 years — from desperately wanting to be a part of his life in some way to being ok with whatever way he shows up in my life. And this is where God comes in. I’ve told God what i want. lol 🙂 but we all know that a relationship with no free will is no relationship at all.

I think God brought us together for a reason. I didn’t expect my annulment to happen on JB’s birthday! Right from the start, JB had something to do with my healing. Starting from his NAME! I had to overcome a trigger just to let JB in the door. And i let him in because he’s ridiculously handsome, and i thought it was worth the pain of a trigger. lol 🙂 And then, God was back in my life because of JB. So then, i asked God if that was JB’s purpose in my life? To be the reason i returned to God and then go on his way? Or was there something that i was to do for him as well? For all i know, maybe i’ve already been doing something for him! Just as he didn’t have to intentionally DO anything FOR me… maybe he’s changed too, just from my presence in his life. i don’t know.

But — IF he’s meant to be in my life in a more intimate way — i know God will make it clear to him. SO, when this annulment thing happened — i wondered if it’s a sign for JB from God! It could be! who knows! i don’t know if JB’s been asking for some kind of confirmation. i DO remember, clearly telling him, that i am not going to get into ANY relationship with ANYONE, not even him, until my annulment was finalized. So, he knows that was important to me. Maybe, out of respect for me, he has kept things platonic. i’ve seen many couples, who got serious in their relationships before they got annulments and the stress of waiting for the annulment is astronomical for them! There’s also ALWAYS the chance that the annulment is NOT granted, and THEN what would they do with their relationship?! What a mess!! I knew there’s no way my heart or JBs would survive if we got into a relationship and then my annulment was denied. Mostly his heart. I think my heart is a bit more resilient than his. but seeing his heart break would break mine. So, i didn’t want anything to happen. But i also wanted to know if there’s a chance that it could happen! (because my ego needed some boosting. lol 😀 )

well, my ego has been denied. i am still in the place of not knowing if JB is interested in me or not. But, i have also been pulled out of the place of desperation, and i have the strength to wait now. The other day, it also occurred to me that IF JB decides he’s interested in a relationship, it suddenly puts a lot of work on him, you know? To figure out the logistics of our relationship! We are 2 hours away from each other now. More with traffic. What would ‘dating’ look like? i know what i don’t want it to look like! i don’t want it to ever be a burden. or a rule! like — we have to meet x number of times a month. He can make up rules if he wants. I’m happy either way. He did tell me a few weeks ago that he’s planning to visit me before the end of the month. This was before we knew of the annulment.

i guess our adventure continues! lol 🙂 maybe one day we’ll write a book. i still can’t get over the fact that my annulment happened on his birthday! i’m sure that’s a little bit of magical fairy dust from God! lol 🙂

~ vino

Thank you for saying this Vino. It matters

You’re Most welcome!!!! (((HUGS))) 🙂

[Vino]

Happy New Year, Heidi!

IF i’d had time to write we would’ve hit 500 posts last year! lol 🙂

For the past few months, i’ve been collecting phrases that make me feel good. Sometimes, it might just be a word. One of my magical phrases is: “Somewhere only we know”. i find many such phrases in song titles, chapter titles, book titles. I have actually purchased books just because i liked the titles. Like “Relentless Courage”. i DO plan to read it! But oh, the power of those two words together, is simply ASTOUNDING! All this to say — “Be Irresistible” is also one such phrase for me. Every time i see an email – the weekly digest — it sends a tingle up my spine — Be Irresistible! ah, so delightful! 😀 lol 😀

SO — nothing in my life is the same since i last wrote here! Except for God. And JB! lol 🙂 Sometimes i think the two of them are simply two sides of the same coin.

Major moves — new job, new apartment, and a ‘new’ car. Oh, new town too. Further up NY, in the mountains of Catskills. My neighbors grew up knowing each other. They all seem to know how to hunt and fish. It’s time for me to learn how to live in the wild. lol 🙂 Such a small town! i think i met most of them in one day, at the fund raising breakfast for the volunteer firehouse. i think i was meant to live in a tiny town. i feel like i own the place. lol 🙂

i’m working as a residential advisor in a trade school for kids from low income families. And also homeless kids, kids with addictions and homes of addicts. Personally, i think it is detrimental to the well being of kids with no addictions or unstable backgrounds to be clumped together with the others, but … oh well. Can’t change the whole world all by myself, can i? lol 🙂 i wasn’t sure how i’d get along with the kids. But, i seem to be good at building relationships with them. I have an inside informant. She’s one of the students who learned to trust me early on. She tells me amusing stories about the kids and the conversations they have. Seems i confuse them. They can’t figure me out. This is causing them to be a bit afraid of me. lol 🙂 She tried to tell me why i’m different from others they’ve known and she failed. she mentioned one thing – that i never say anything bad about anyone. But she was quick to say that’s not what made me different – it was just one of the things.

Personally – i have only one goal — to touch each student in some way that causes them to rethink all that they’ve experienced in their life so far. Some students only stay for a few days. They can’t handle the expectations and the rules. So, i may only get one chance to speak to them. In that one conversation, i want them to know that no matter what they’ve had to bear, they matter. i also know that whether i directly speak to each of them or not, they will certainly notice how i speak to others, and since i have no agenda, it is easy for me to be consistent in the way i treat all of them. i wish more adults worked on themselves so they’d be a place of safety for all these kids being tossed about by their own dramas!

At any rate. AS much as i love working with them, i’d never consider it my ‘life’s mission’ to help these kids for the rest of my life. i still haven’t found any such ‘mission’ to commit myself to. My kids are both settled for the next 2 years in the colleges of their choice. We left the apartment at the end of August last year. I left my other job in early July. At that time, i didn’t have this job lined up, so i didn’t know where to look for my next apartment. it was a bit of a puzzle to solve – apartment/job/car. once i decided that a car would be the first thing to put my energy into, i got the job. lol 🙂

So — i’ve been in this new town since the middle of september. Still trying to build up some money in my savings. And this week, i’m losing a week because of covid, so whatever i managed to save last month is evaporating. Good or bad, i can’t stress about such things. lol 🙂 And besides, there’s good things that need to be celebrated. ALSO — i believe i brought on this covid by myself. You see, i received an AMAZING gift last week. i received the annulment that i’ve been waiting on. I don’t know if i’ve mentioned it to you before. You know, when God does something, he doesn’t leave out the extra details. The day that i received the decision turned out to be JB’s birthday! So i sit here wondering what that’s about. Why tie my freedom to JB’s birthday? It’s just so, incredibly delightful! I wouldn’t have even started on this journey if it hadn’t been for JB. (my journey into the Catholic church and back to God).

So – what this annulment means to me — it’s a lot more than a pronouncement that the previous relationship wasn’t a true marriage due to missing, necessary components. (like the truth! lol 🙂 ) I’ve pondered often, how i could’ve avoided that relationship. And i know i couldn’t have. if it wasn’t that specific person, i would’ve entered into the exact same kind of relationship with someone else. The decision i made was the result of all the wounds and poisons in me, not just my own, but also everything that was passed down to me, from generations and generations of wounded men and women. We can’t escape from bad decisions. So, while i was waiting for the annulment decision, i prayed for healing for EVERYTHING that contributed to that space i was in, in which i deliberately ignored my heart for something irrelevant that i valued more.

I wonder if that’s why it took so long. There was a lot of poison that God needed to extract from my body, heart, mind, soul… you know what i feel right now? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! i was a bit concerned about that till i realized that a healthy skin doesn’t itch. i feel no intense tug towards ANYTHING. Of course, i could still be in shock that my wait is over. And i wished i could have a few days to simply let this all sink in, and not have to think about ANYTHING at all. Kind of like at the end of the Lord of the Rings — mission accomplished… nothing left to do but sleep for a few days… in peace… in quiet… in a real bed… A few days later, i got a cold. Then my throat was really sore, so i went to the clinic to rule out strep. No strep. But it was covid. They told me to stay home for 5 days. lol 🙂

Anyway. a weekly digest popped up in my feed. and that is what prompted me to get back in here to see if you’re still around. i noticed a recent post by you. so, i know you’re still around… 🙂

You’ve been an integral part of my journey in the past 4 years, Heidi, and i am grateful for you.
thank you.
~ vino

[Vino]

Perhaps we can have some kind of party when we hit 500 posts? lol 😀

I’m doing Robin Nielson’s Hormone reset program. We’re going over a major hormone each day and how they affect each other. So, we’ve done Cortisol, Insulin, Thyroid and Estrogen so far. The daily tests are an assessment of symptoms and she doesn’t tell you what hormone the assessment is for, and we’re supposed to guess which one it is — oh, i’m so out of tune! i have mis-guessed every single one! lol 😀

Oh – i DID get estrogen right, because of the tell-tale symptom of vaginal dryness — i guessed, that would HAVE to be in estrogen’s realm. It’s really interesting to me how there’s a lot of overlap of symptoms of the imbalances in all of the hormones – whether high or low — fatigue and restlessness being a main one.

What happens to the body when it has too much adrenaline? The reason i said i’m running on adrenaline is because of my behavior and mindset in the past several months — each day, i go to work prepared for a fight. At the end of the day, if we’ve made it without an encounter with an angry customer, i feel myself relaxing. And since there are angry customers from before my time as well — i can’t really be at peace at my job ever. So, although i am able to let go of everything when we close the door for the day, i have to pick it up again the next day.

I really like the new manager — he is solid. He’s new to this business so there’s a lot of stuff he cannot do and questions he cannot answer. BUT — it’s really cool to watch how he handles a situation that is totally out of his control, without losing control of himself! The techs have respect for him. And i feel safe when he’s around. I’ve noticed how much i lean on my coworkers when they are there. Even the one tech who has severe mood swings and caused me to leave the shop twice! — i KNOW he is reliable in his work, no matter how shitty his moods are. SO i am able to Trust the work related side of him, even though i cannot trust his relational side AT ALL!

This is the first time i’ve worked in an ALL Male environment. The women are in other departments and we only interact via email or phone. I have to say — i like it. lol 🙂 (have i already said that before? I haven’t gone back to read my previous posts!)

Anyway. The reason i have a mini-vacation is because i gave up one of my days off, the last week of december, because they couldn’t find anyone to cover for me. So, i’m getting that day off tomorrow, and my first PTO on saturday, plus my regular day off today. I’ve decided, i will NEVER, EVER, EVER do that for them again. That week was brutal, and what i lost on my day off, wasn’t replaceable with money and a day off several weeks later. OF course, that might change when i learn how to take care of my body better! But for that week, it was the wrong thing to do – i NEEDED my day off to recharge, and instead i got an extra 12 hours of adrenaline bashing. lol 🙂

i was supposed to meet with JB on Saturday. But he had an emergency and he’s in AZ at a funeral! One day, i’ll have to share with you how i see my relationship to him, in relation to my relationship with God. It’s a puzzling thing to me. But it’s stretching me in ways i never imagined possible. IF things had happened the way i wanted them to, two years back — i would’ve missed out on SO MANY Growing experiences! For one thing, i seem to be a WHOLE LOT better at holding two opposing thoughts at the same time and not falling into despair. The biggest one is — I do not see the value of my life at all and yet I value life, even my own! So, i want to make it better, even though i know it can end in death at any minute! I do not see my daily activities that are necessary to sustain life as futile and never ending and boring. They bring me joy. And i yet, i feel an infinite emptiness that refuses to be filled, and i want deeper, more meaningful joy than what my daily tasks bring to me.

So, my latest theory that i’m testing out is the Source of Energy! I was looking at all the messiness around me and wondering when i’d ever have time and energy to clean it all up. Suddenly, this thought popped into my mind: What if these messes ARE my source of Energy?! Kind of like building up muscle strength with isometric exercises like Bruce Lee did — hardly any external movement at all and yet — on the inside his body he was building more muscle than a body builder does from lifting weights! I suppose eating is similar – it takes energy to eat and digest, but that releases a whole ton of energy into the body! SO — i have a nuclear power plant in my home! lol 😀

I wonder how long it will take me to have a sleek, slim and fit home! 😀 but today, i’m resting. I’m SO SO SO infinitely grateful to have the whole weekend off! I’m getting a hair cut on Saturday instead of visiting with JB. But i wonder if that was just God’s way of telling me to take some time for myself, instead of making time for JB. And so, even though i am deeply disappointed that our visit has been put off – i am still filled with joy! Two opposites again! Does any of this make any sense to you?!

i’m really happy in this space!

~ vino

[Vino]

Hi Heidi!

Happy New year!!! I think i deserve some kind of award for creating the thread with the most posts! lol 🙂 This sure has been a safe place for me! Thank you!

I have the rest of my week off – first ‘vacation’ since i started work. I’m FRIED! i signed up for a hormone reset program and as i do the assessment tests each day, i see how out of whack i am! My corisol levels are messed up. My THYROID is WAY out of whack! i even have some ‘little known’ symptoms – like itchy skin in winter! kind of very specific!!

At any rate. We finally got a manager two weeks ago. He was totally worth waiting for. But, he’s made me very aware of the fact that i’ve been running on adrenaline. I’m So, So, SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO exhausted that whenever there’s a break from customers, i am unable to focus on my other tasks, because my body starts to rest and fall asleep. only urgent demands for attention keep me going!

i’ll probably pop back in to chat a bit more in the next few days!

Just wanted to say hi real quick and wish you an AWESOME new year!!!

~ vino

[Vino]

To love her though, means loving the feminine which means loving the feminine within yourself first. Thoughts on this?

She’s not a metaphor or a concept to me. She is a real woman. I don’t have much thoughts about her. I’ve just shifted from being closed towards her, to being open to whatever she brings into my life. I don’t have a clue what it might look like. I’m sure loving myself more is a part of it. I was at Khol’s during my lunch break the other day, and as i was walking through all the pretty new stuff, i felt the desperate need to cry. I love looking at pretty things. I want to wear something pretty and look good in it. But i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and i didn’t look pretty – in my black work clothes, and jacket that doesn’t fit right. There was a woman who came to the shop that day. She was so incredibly beautiful, and i wanted to keep staring at her. Every part of her face was perfect, plus her hair, her make up, her earrings… and i thought to myself – if we were friends, i’d hate to be in a picture with her, because she’d look pretty from ANY angle, and even if she was wearing a sackcloth, and i … well. I’d just ruin the picture. like i always do.

i DID get aligners to fix my teeth, so i’d be happy with my smile. I’m eating healthier, and walking a lot more and hopefully, i’m getting a bit more fit. But, i don’t have any delusions… i don’t have a clue how my body is going to change. I can’t obsessively look for a solution to my weight problem, like some women do, and then they suddenly find something that works for them. I’m not sure why i am unable to sink into that quest, even though it’s on my mind a lot.

I have a 6 day week this week. They asked me if i was willing to come in 6 days, till they find manager. Or at least only take every other thursday off. I agreed. But my body is tired. I don’t want to give them 6 days. I want time by myself. I want to take care of ME. And part of that means to be able to sleep with no alarm clock to wake me up in the morning. and not having to be nice to strangers even if they are being unreasonable. I truly don’t care about them or their windshield problems. I only care about doing the job i’m supposed to do. It’s interesting to me how some people think i’m very helpful and others think i’m not doing my job at all. I am consistent. I only have so many things i can do for anybody. It’s just that some problems cannot be solved with my tools and others can. But when i can’t solve their problems they get offended, they get angry, and they get super annoying. And the more unreasonable they become the less i want to help them, and the less i care about their problems. But even if i care a LOT, i cannot solve the problems that i am not equipped to solve. Anyway. i need time and space for me.

Yesterday, when i left work, as i was crossing the street, i felt something in my body that i had never felt before. I felt like i needed a hill. It was the strangest feeling/thought. So, i asked myself if i wanted to climb a hill. But no, the statement was ‘i need a hill’. So i took a roundabout route home to the only hilly road nearby and it felt like nothing. So, i tried to think of a steeper hill and planned on just walking and walking and walking till by body had had enough of a hill. But when i got to the top of the first hill and started down the other side, i saw the entrance to a cemetery, that i had never seen before. I’d ALWAYS wondered where the entrance to that cemetery was, but had never seen it before. And like a magnet, it drew me in. EVERYTHING about that cemetery was perfect! The first thing that connected with me was the most perfect tree ever. It was so beautiful it made me cry. so i stayed there, for however long and cried to my heart’s content. i didn’t want to leave.

All I have to say about this, is you actually have no idea if that is true. You have lived with this contempt towards women and ethiopians and indians for soooooo long that you have NO CLUE how much energy goes into sourcing and keeping that contempt alive. It’s so much a part of your life that it’s as natural as breathing. If you were to actually step into those feelings and release them, THEN you would actually have some perspective about how much energy it was requiring from you.

Perhaps you are right. i was contacted on fb by an Indian man who used to live in Ethiopia. He told me who he is and asked how i was. But i have ZERO memories of him, and told him so. He said his wife was my teacher. He told me the names of people he used to work with and another Indian man who he shared an apartment with. I know he was only trying to jog my memory, but i was getting annoyed. I was a kid. What made him think i would’ve been invested enough in the world of the adults around me that i’d remember all that? And why would i keep track of his friends when he didn’t keep track of them himself? If he’d asked questions about MY parents, i could’ve engaged in conversation with him, even if i didn’t remember who he was. But no, he asked nothing about MY family. … and for the first time in my life, i recognized that all my reactions to him were coming from contempt. It is actually easier to operate in contempt because i know how to do that well. So, it takes more energy to create the space for him to be whoever he is and say whatever comes to his mind, and remind myself that not everyone is aware of the fact that a child’s world is different from an adult’s world.

The picture i have in my mind of my life right now is that i’m under water, and i’m holding on to a lifeline of some kind, and all the dirt i’m stuck in is swirling around me, chunks of gunk crashing into me as it breaks apart and swirls around. i can’t see a thing. I can’t feel a thing. But i have a lifeline. So, i’m ok. I’ll get out of this muck somehow. someday. Nobody is in desperate need of my love right now, so there’s no rush. I can focus on myself and cry till i don’t need to cry anymore. Different things make me cry each day.

I had a thought today. it was a good one. i’ve been struggling with feelings of jealousy towards this friend of mine, who is happily married and has time to make fun stuff and donate them. She posts pictures of the things she makes. And i was getting upset. because – who DOESN’T want to be free enough to make pretty stuff and share it? I was having trouble being happy for her, because, in my mind, she has everything in her life, that i think would make my world complete. But i don’t TRULY know anything about her life. So, when this thought popped into my head today, it was really helpful — “There’s so little happiness in the world. Shouldn’t i be happy when someone finds a bit of happiness? and wouldn’t it be amazing if more and more lost pieces of happiness are found and recovered by everyone around the world?!” It’s kind of like an easter egg hunt! there’s bits of happiness hidden everywhere, and we all find little pieces of it here and there. If i get Sad when someone finds a Happy Piece, i’ve just snuffed out the effect of that newly rescued Happy Piece. At least, i’ve snuffed it out in my own world… Now i just have to figure out if i can work with this picture and learn to be happy with others! lol 🙂

~~ vino

[Vino]

Men have let you down continuously as well, yet you somehow are able to leave the door open to men to give each new person a chance to see if they fit into your life. The thing is, this story of “IF i want a relationship, i’d be the one putting in all the effort” is simply a story from the past that you are overlaying on every potential friend you could create with a woman. JB is someone you have had incredible patience with and given him PLENTY of room to be himself and look at the friendship you have created together! Why can’t this happen with a woman? A woman is fully capable of sourcing the relationship, being curious about you, helping you, laughing with you, caring about you.

Yes, men have let me down. They have also lifted me up and been the sole source of my greatest healings – even though i didn’t seek them out. Fr M – the first person to somehow convince me that i’m worth being a friend to. But we came to the place where our paths diverged too, and he is no longer in my life. I used to think i would be totally lost without him. BUT – the Seed of Healing that he planted in me was a solid good one, because it laid a super strong foundation that will never be shaken. No matter what happens to me or how i am treated – i will never ever ever doubt that i am worth being a friend to! I think this is nothing short of a miracle! I believe that just like me, everyone else is worth being a friend to too. BUT – that doesn’t mean i have to be everyone’s friend – i’m not even Fr M’s friend anymore!

JB is in a class by himself. He brought something into my life that no one else ever has. He brought so much that i don’t even need anything more anymore. I don’t even need a romantic relationship with HIM to be happy! lol 😀 this is so hilarious to me. I have no idea what’s going on. I have found SO much healing since meeting JB that i know i’ll be fine even if he stops being in my life! So, every interaction with him has become like icing on the cake. What he planted in me was a curiosity about the Catholic Church. And that mushroomed out of control in no time!

And it’s fully connected to my journey towards finding healing with women too. I find this to be mindboggling. The Catholics are deeply devoted to the Mary, the Mother of God. And i understand all of that, but i do not care for her, because she’s a woman too, and i don’t feel the need for her in my life either. BUT something changed that day, when the priest told me i couldn’t give what i didn’t have. You see, i was trying to find a way to love her, because i felt like i was being extremely judgmental towards a woman who is more perfect than any other woman who has ever lived. WHY did i feel like i had to have walls with her too? it’s not like she’s going to hurt me. But i was under the impression that i had to learn how to love HER, and suddenly, i realized, i could just start with being open to letting HER love ME! Isn’t that where it begins when we are babies? our parents love us first, not the other way round!

Now – i don’t have a clue how this is going to manifest itself in my daily life. BUT – i have gone from saying to her: “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to love you. I don’t feel the need for you in my life” to “Show me what your love feels like so i can love you back, and love my children more fully.” I’ve realized that, my love for my children is incomplete, because the female side of me has been mangled and cauterized. I’ve never felt like a mother to them. I’ve always felt more like an older sister. Even when they were babies. I never felt like a mother. i don’t even know how to explain that feeling. There were many times that i felt like i was simply babysitting! Except that i loved them more than any other kids that i’ve babysat. Sort of like loving your own pet more than the pets you just greet on the street. I used to love kids, in general, and find them interesting and liked to engage them in conversations – but when i had my own kids, i COMPLETELY LOST every drop of interest in every other kid in the world. (Hmm.. now that i think about it, that’s the exact same effect JB has had on me! after he came into my life, my level of interest in other men has dropped to below zero!) lol 😀

I will however, NOT support the lies you want to keep alive in your system. Each person – no matter their gender or race or status – deserves to be seen for WHO THEY ARE and not from the labels you instantly put onto them because of the traumas you choose not to let go of. That’s the truth.

I don’t support lies in myself either. And i totally agree with what you have said. However, the reason i have no energy for women has nothing to do with holding on to my past emotions and traumas. That was the source of them, for sure. But i know the difference in my own body when i’m holding on to something and when i’ve let it go. Some emotions even have a taste! Some feel like a snag in the sweater, and you can feel it pulling in certain direction. Others twist the muscles on my face into unpleasant positions.

Every woman enters my life in a different way. i AM open to women – i’m just not going to seek out a relationship with them – that’s an extra step for me right now, and it’s not a priority, so i’m not going to use up energy on it. I have an example of how i let women in that you are familiar with. When i got on this site, i didn’t know anyone. There was another lady on here – unfortunately, i have forgotten her name – she also responded to my posts, as you did. BUT – right from the start, i noticed a difference in your responses. I believe i’ve mentioned this to you before. SO, right from the start, i began to prefer your responses to hers – and this was in a totally neutral setting, as i had nothing to go on, one way or the other, to pass judgement on either of you, and you couldn’t pass judgement on me either. SO the only interaction was my words with both of your words. I felt like you listened deeper and with more compassion than she did. i felt freer with you. your responses always satisfied me, even if i didn’t like everything you said. But her responses, became more and more harder to remain receptive towards. So, to remain in a ‘relationship’ with her, would’ve required more of my energy than i was willing to spend. It’s the same way with the women i meet in real life. I can sense the depth of interest in a person. I don’t hang around where i sense no interest.

The rest of us ladies are doing the very best we can and operating from our own challenges we face – no different than you.

EVERYONE is doing their best. Including the women who hurt me. Most women didn’t hurt me intentionally. A few did, but i found their maliciousness to be amusing. I don’t hold anything against them. If you were to hurt me, i wouldn’t hold it against you. There’s another woman in my life whom i’ll never take offense at – my ex MIL! totally loved her. But she’s turned cold towards me. Of course, it makes sense. she doesn’t know how to remain friends with me when i can’t stand her son. She’s still the same humble woman i used to know. I can never take offense at anything she does or says. When someone hurts me, the power fully shifts to my hands. I have the power to restore the relationship, or walk away, if it’s not worth my effort. So, i’m not afraid of getting hurt.

My lack of energy is just as much physical as it is emotional. It isn’t women who are tiring me out, it is life itself. Each day, i wake up with enough energy for the day. By night time, i am VERY exhausted. I don’t do anything that drains me. The stuff at work, only taxes my brain. I’m still learning how all the details work, and unpleasant customers don’t bother me at all. My co-workers are quite interesting. First time working with just men and it’s really interesting how emotional they all are! i feel like a cold, unfeeling Spock next to them. lol 🙂 there’s been only one guy so far, whom i didn’t want to work with – and it’s not because of who he is but rather, because of how unreliable he was. They’ve let him go since, and i am very happy. I go to work just to work so nobody has been able to ruffle my feathers, even a little bit.

I’m happy to come home every evening. It’s so good to have both my kids with me. My world is very complete right now. And i don’t need anyone for anything. I also don’t have anything for anyone, either financially or otherwise. I have just enough to take care of my tiny little family and not be a burden to anyone. I am counting on God, to fill me up as i need filling. He knows, i’m incapable of effort. He did an interesting thing for me, that still fills me with awe. When i first started writing to you, i wasn’t going to church. I had no intention of returning. God had been causing too much stress in my life. And i didn’t want any kind of stress in my life anymore, except for the ABSOLUTE, BASIC necessary stress to stay alive.

So, when i became Catholic, i kept all my feelers really alert – for the first sign of stress — there were a few moments – like with the annulment thing – BUT each moment of stress also came with a clarity for what was causing the stress. And i found value in going the stress. This has been a totally new experience for me. SO, even now, when i feel like i’m tired of life itself — it sounds like a statement i used to make when i was super depressed. BUT – i am NOT depressed right now. It’s just the honest truth that i see no value in my life. But — just like the foundation that Fr M laid for me — God has laid a deeper foundation in me this time – that my life is of value. And i don’t need to see it or feel it to know that it’s true. This has removed LOADS of stress from my life.

SO, when it comes to this wound of how to relate to women – i know it will heal – with no effort on my part. The mindset shift has already happened anyway. I’ve gone from saying: “I don’t need you” to “I wonder what a woman’s love feels like?” and for me, curiosity is the strongest weapon i have. Even if i don’t actively pursue it, my brain has been launched on a mission to discover the answer, and it won’t rest until it is satisfied. I did an experiment when i was first learning that i’m worth being a friend to — i observed how people treated me – and i received all of them the same way – and i noticed varying degrees of friendliness. I simply returned their friendship back to them, to the degree they gave to me. And i found that most of the folks i worked with were super friendly. I was quite surprised to find out that they all thought I was the one being friendly. lol 😀

AS for my list of lies — i’ve been experiencing something really powerful — i’m ‘hearing’ the truths through others. The most unexpected one was from church – when i was alone – looking at a statue of St Joseph, just happy to be in church, and not thinking any burdened thoughts and i heard these words: “You are not a burden.” The reason i feel it wasn’t my own thoughts is because it came at a time when i WASN’T looking for reassurance that i am not a burden. I had to ponder it for a while to remember that i’ve always felt like a burden to others, a waste of space and oxygen, a source of stress and not joy. And some weeks back at work, it happened again when a manager said: “I care about you” in a way that it felt like he was responding to something deeper inside of me, rather than the conversation that we were just having.

It feels AMAZING to hear the truths in actual voices other than my own, and out loud!

It’s bedtime again – but i have to share this fun little thing — i was quite obsessed with numbers a while back – numbers that repeated or created interesting sequences. I got so obsessive that i couldn’t look at a license plate without my brain launching on a mission to discover a pattern. Then i got busy with something else and numbers dropped off my radar. SO – i was quite surprised when 67 jumped out at me a few days back, when i went to Five guys for a sandwich – my receipt number. I thought – hmm – “consecutive numbers. Cute.” The very next day, i got 67 again! NOW it had my attention! 67 twice in a row! Went from being Cute to COOOOOOL! lol 😀 But it wasn’t till today that JB’s birth year came to mind – 1967. Now those two receipts have become Special, and my brain is picking up 67s everywhere. I only used to pick my own birth year till now. lol 🙂

~ vino

[Vino]

So much to say and think about! But, you are fortunate that i have a headache, so this will be short. lol 🙂

I did a quick search on youtube (because i don’t have the patience to read) – for the ‘root of contempt’. And i came across a Dr Gottman, who seems to be a relationship expert. His work seems to be focused on marriages, BUT – i’ve come to believe that the basic principles of ALL relationships are the same. And he has this list of four things – which he calls the Four Horsemen – which are deadly to a relationship. One of these is Contempt. And from the one or two 10 minute videos i watched, one thing jumped out at me – Contempt seems to be a natural response to betrayal. SO – i tried to remember in what ways i’ve been “Betrayed”.

I still cannot see or even feel the connection between fear and contempt, unless the fear is Fear of not being able to survive. And this is connected to Betrayal – because when trust is broken, you fear for your safety and survival. There’s one thing you mentioned that i KNOW the feeling of – the Powerful SOLIDness and Intensity of Contempt. And how it ‘fills … and leaves no room for vulnerability’. This created in my mind, the image of an oilspill in the ocean. The sludge that forms clogs up everything it touches, creating a thick coating that prevents life-giving oxygen from getting through to the fish. And because it is liquid, it can fill EVERY TINY Space! And it is SO DIFFICULT to remove!

Anyway — i shared my discoveries of this contempt in my heart with one of the priests at my parish as well, and of all the things he said, one thing stuck with me the most — You cannot give what you do not have. (he also said it in Latin, but i have forgotten those words. lol 🙂 ) This was powerful to me, because it worked in several different directions. It worked towards other women — particularly my mom – she could only give me what she had. Whatever i did not get from her, was because she didn’t have it! She’s a generous person, so, if she DID have it, she would’ve given it. On the flip side, it also released ME from beating myself up for the walls i have — i TOO, cannot give what i do not have. I do not know what it’s like to be loved by a woman, so, i cannot properly love another woman. BUT — since i’m the one who explores such things, i’m probably going to discover this love before my mom does, so i WILL, at some point, have more than she does, and be able to give to her!

I don’t want to discuss culture, because that’s a deep pit. lol 🙂 In a nutshell, what you said about culture, i apply to individual people – every person has their dark and light – to varying degrees – and i can accept them as they are. But a culture as a whole is more complex, and there’s absolutely no need to accept any culture at all. For me, it is of utmost importance that what we do (what i do) – doesn’t destroy the dignity of a human being (mine included). The dignity of a person is something that is brought up a lot in the Catholic church. Everything that God ever commanded is designed to preserve and/or restore the dignity of a person. I know for a fact that the Indian culture is not designed to preserve the dignity of anyone. Except, maybe the people of the higher castes. They don’t believe that all people are equal. That’s the what the entire caste system is – the inequality of people – simply because of who they were born to! When you start with such a deep lie as a foundation for your culture, it is like sludge that fills every open space and suffocates the life out of you.

I remembered a few things today — that caused me deep and silent pain at the time. Women do things for each other, to celebrate milestones and support one another. They celebrate together when one of them is going to get married or when she gets pregnant. When she delivers, they gather around her and take care of her and her baby, while she regains her strength. When a woman falls sick, they organize meals and other stuff and make sure that her family is cared for. I always wondered what one has to do to become a part of a group like that. Is there some kind of a sign up sheet or an organization of sorts? There isn’t, is there? it’s what they do for each other when they consider each other friends or family.

I didn’t have the kind of friends or family who thought i was worth throwing a bridal shower for, or a baby shower for. When my 2nd one was born, no one even came to visit. When the first one was born, they did come to visit, but they were like strangers. I was in bed, they sat in the living room. I wasn’t comfortable trying to feed my baby in front of them. I didn’t know how to entertain them or welcome them. And they didn’t know what to say to me. It was super awkward. BUT — i didn’t HAVE to entertain them, did i? I’d just had a baby! But for some reason, i felt like i had to do something for them because they’d come to see me. And i didn’t feel like it! Their visit burdened me.

This is the only kind of ‘betrayal’ that i can think of. I wasn’t accepted as a one of the group. And this ties in with fear of survival, because we are pack animals and we cannot survive on our own. I was rejected by those who should’ve come around me. Were my expectations unrealistic? I remember a bunch of women who DID organize a dinner after i got married – they were from the church that the ex grew up in – so they were women who knew him – and they wanted to get to know me. They got me a gift card for the craft store i fell in love with. They all had questions to ask me. And after that day, they didn’t really care a whole lot. I wasn’t included in any of their gatherings. i was sometimes invited to their bible studies. But none of them ever got more deeply involved in my life. One of them was slightly easier to become friends with and when i overcame all of my own walls to share with her that my marriage was becoming painful, she gave me a book and told me there was a great chapter in it about sex. i never spoke to her again. She never even asked my WHY i was struggling.

SO. Women have let me down continuously. They don’t even see me as one of them. And i don’t know what i have to do be seen as a woman/ accepted as a woman/ BY other women! lol 🙂 So, i’m at the place where i feel like IF i want a relationship, i’d be the one putting in all the effort. Oh, you know how many of my female friends celebrated my 50th birthday with me? All of us born in 1972 turned 50 this year. And FB was full of pictures of how my former classmates were celebrated.

When you read this – do you hear bitterness in my words? There is no bitterness. There is no disappointment. When i was younger, there was bitterness and a lot of disappointment. But i don’t have time for all that anymore. I’m just making observations. These are just the way things are. I don’t have the extra energy it would require to cultivate a relationship with another women, much less a whole bunch of women. My relationship with my mom wouldn’t exist either, if i hadn’t forgiven her. My relationship with my sister wouldn’t exist if i am unwilling to give her the space to be as contrary to me as she is. She doesn’t give me the same space. She has to argue about everything that she sees differently than i do. So, most of our conversations end with me easing out of the conversation and letting her say whatever she wants.

Anyway. When i went to bed a few nights back, after the last message i wrote to you, a whole series of phrases came up in my mind. These are words i feel (have felt/ to varying degrees) about myself, my body, other women, Indians, and Ethiopians. it was uncanny, how identical they are.

I am disappointed in you.
You embarrass me.
Why do you behave as if you have something to be proud of?
You disgust me.
I am ashamed of you.
I wish you were different.
You’re not worth all this trouble.
I don’t really care what happens to you.
You should’ve known better.
You totally deserve what’s happening to you.
You are SO NEEDY.
Your weakness is repulsive.
You are a burden.
You are a parasite, always taking, never giving back.
You’re not worth giving good things to.
You let me down again.
You keep changing, you are unreliable.
I cannot trust you.
You cause me pain.
I don’t know what you want from me.
Nothing good comes from you.
You’re never satisfied.
You’re never happy.
You whine too much.
You’re so full of yourself.
I don’t want to hear about your pain.
I’m tired of your drama.
You’ll never change.
How can you be so dense?
Why can’t you see it a different way?
Why do you always have to be right?
What makes you think you are better than anyone else?
You’re not even as good as anyone else.
You are utterly useless.
I see no value in your existence.
You’re a waste of space and oxygen.
Everyone’s life would be better if you didn’t exist.
You’ve got nothing of value to give to anyone.
You don’t look as good as you think you do.
You’re not as capable as you imagine yourself to be.
You’re not working as hard as you think you are.
You’re not suffering as much as you imagine you are.
You are a coward.
Why do you need so much attention?
You’re in my way.
I’m not like you.
You’re not a part of me.
Don’t touch me.
I don’t need you.
Stop drawing attention to yourself with your loud voice/laughter/etc.
You’re exaggerating.
i don’t want to be seen with you.
i wish i didn’t have to associate with you.
i am better than you.
you hold me back.
you make no sense to me.
i don’t understand you.
You smell bad.

For some reason, it feels good after writing all that. Perhaps i’ve released all these horrible words from me. i’ve never said any of them out loud to anyone. but i’m sure i’ve communicated these thoughts and feelings very clearly in the way i have behaved. I wonder how many fat cells these thoughts occupied?! lol 🙂

~ vino

[Vino]

Heidi,

i know this topic has come up in the past. It’s got a different angle to it this time.

I’m connecting it with something that i hadn’t connected it with before. The wall is not fear. It is contempt. I know contempt and disgust are related. Is fear also related to contempt?

And here’s the interesting thing – this feeling that i have towards women, is identical to the feeling that i have towards Indians and Ethiopians – in a generalized way.

But the MOST Interesting thing, which i just noticed, in the past few hours is — i have the same feeling towards my BODY!

it’s all in varying degrees and shades, but it is the same – sort of like the different kinds of rice have slightly different flavors and textures but they are all still basically rice.

SO — here’s how my body feels. I used to hate it. It grossed me out because of how out of shape it was, how mediocre and bland and boring. I was neither excessively ugly nor attractive. Neither excessively fat or fit. Just always, out of shape. Every part of me is out of shape. I’ve been praised for being smart, but i know i’m not the smartest. I’m just SO EXTREMELY AVERAGE in Every which way imaginable. My skin is dark, compared to some Indians, and it’s lighter compared to others. Those who are darker than me think tell me i am attractive, and ‘fair skinned’ and those who are lighter skinned, know they are seen as more attractive. It’s disgusting, and disgusting and disgusting to the deepest depths of it!

I’ve been making new friends in the neighborhood. I’m always careful to not make friends as freely with men as i do with women. I know that sounds like a contraction. But i DO avoid men a little bit. It could be a left over habit from growing up — both in India AND in Ethiopia — more so in India – people get this idea in their heads that you are romantically (or sexually) interested or involved, with any opposite sex person you’re talking with. SO, i always keep my conversations transparent, and generic, etc. Or i avoid the age group i’d most likely be attached to — my own age plus a few years. I made friends with those younger than me, or those much older than me. But i avoided most men who were within range of being in a relationship with. The men themselves would misunderstand my friendship, it isnt just onlookers. So, rather than explain that i have no interest in anyone, i just avoided them all. Or kept interactions to the minimum.

Anyway – whenever i make friends with women, i observe myself and my feelings towards them. There is no fear. There is no disgust or contempt. If there is, i cannot make friends with them at all. There ARE women who are extremely disgusting to me, and i don’t waste time with them at all. And i don’t mean their bodies, it’s their behaviors. At any rate. I’ve never not made friends with a women because of how she looks. in fact, women of all shapes and sizes feel very comfortable and safe with me. I had a client, when i was a home-health aide. I had to help her bathe. First time i helped her, she was in tears. She said she hadn’t felt so clean, for such a long time. I thought it had been a while since she’d had an aide. But she said it’s because she felt comfortable letting me help her. She didn’t feel embarrassed and naked, even though she was naked.

So – back to my own body. This wall that i have built. You asked me in a previous post if i have tried talking to my fat. I actually HAVE! I’ve been trying to find out what it is that i’m trying to protect myself from. I’ve been asking my subconscious to tell me in some way, why i’m holding on to the fat when i no longer have fear like i used to. It makes no sense to me.

I used to get excema a lot, when i became a teenager. I haven’t had a breakout in years and yesterday, i noticed it showing up in my fingers again. Is it my body reminding me of the things about me that used to disgust me? I had greasy skin. Pimples every so often. Body odor. Hairy face. And of course, there was all that fat, the ever present fat. I also had this arrogance and pride about me. I can see it in the pictures of myself from those years. Oh, and my voice was quite deep too, because of how i held my body, in a constricted, squished way. I was extremely intolerant towards criticism of any kind, by anyone. I can still feel the humiliated smile that would paste itself on my face in embarrassing situations. I felt even more disgusting and ugly in those moments. And greasy too. Just so much ick in those emotions.

I hated how my body felt and changed when i got my periods every month. (btw the absence of periods at this age is normal – i’m in menopause.. 🙂 ) I was about 11 1/2 when i had my first period. I think i was the first in my class. i hated it. i didn’t know what it was. My first assumption was that i had been afflicted by some kind of incurable disease and was bleeding out from the inside. I prepared myself to die. And i was concerned about my parents, because i thought they might be sad to see one of their children die. But now, they weren’t concerned at all. My mom told me i was a big girl, she poked my breasts and told me i’d be getting big breasts and growing hair in awkward places and i could never play with boys again. The she told dad and he wrote a letter to my grandmother and my mom wrote a letter to her sisters and basically, they announced to the whole world that i was now a ‘woman’. I was embarrassed out of my wits and i hated everyone and didn’t want anyone to ever touch me again. ugh. i haven’t thought about that for a long time. apparantly, its a cultural thing, to announce it to the world. but, since i’d been uprooted from the culture, it’s not something i was familiar with. I was happy with my privacy. To this day, it makes no sense to me, the purpose of telling such things to everyone. they even used to have feasts for it! disgusting. Of course, soon after, they married off the girls! I bet nobody ever took the time to find out how a girl felt about such things! it was just culture so you just bulldoze over an individual, to make everyone else happy. i hate, hate, HATE cultures of the east. They have ZERO respect for an individual. You either get with the program and figure out how to accept everything they do in the name of culture, or you’re an outsider.

Well. I have no intention of embracing any unhelpful culture. Or even speaking a good word about such practices. Just because something is an ancient culutre doesn’t mean it has value. i can list many cultural things that are abusive, disrespectful, demeaning, etc. But why do i hate my own body? THIS is what is unfair to me. i do not WANT to hate my body or be disgusted by it.

i DO love my body a lot more now than i ever used to. I am gentle and kind with myself. In the past 2 weeks, i’ve gained back 5 lbs. i don’t know why. it makes me sad and i cried about it for a while. I wish i could talk to my body. I’m listening now. i WANT to know what i need. i don’t really care about all the women whom i’ve locked out of my life. It’s me that i want to connect with. it’s me that i need to love. It’s me that needs to be loved! every part of me!

I wasn’t going to write so much! lol 🙂 But what a thought — is my fat my wall against women? is it full of contempt? and disgust?! i really want to know! HOW does my fat protect me from women and indians and ethiopians?! what is the root of contempt and disgust?

i better get to bed! 🙂

~ vino

[Vino]

So – even though i know i carry some kind of wound that keeps women out — i’m not interested in changing that. And i’m afraid that God will heal me of that wound in spite of myself. lol 🙂 This is interesting for you to say. How come? Why would you NOT want healing?

I haven’t watched the videos yet. But i wanted to share a bit more about my feelings surrounding these Female or Mother wounds.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are two main types of armor – one is to protect that which is weak or wounded. The second is that which protects something of great value – like a treasure chest for your gold. The first kind isn’t helpful, because it prevents the wound from healing and the weakness from getting a chance to exercise and grow. The second however, is a good armor, and there’s no reason to take it off, except to share the contents of it, or to add to it.

I don’t know the full extent of the wounds caused by women, but i feel they are deeper than those caused by the men in my life. For starters, it’s natural to expect some kind of basic level of understanding and acceptance from others like yourself. I expect no connection or understanding from men. Their experiences are foreign to me, and mine are foreign to them. All we can do for each other is accept how we show up and believe that what we’re sharing about our experiences is true. BUT – i never experienced any kind of support or understanding FROM women. To the contrary, women tore me down, in different ways.

I can FEEL a literal wall between me and women, even if i care about them a lot and view them as friends. I can listen to them, sympathize with them, enjoy conversations with them, etc etc – but it’s ALL superficial to me. it even FEELS superficial. AT moments like this, i’ve paused, and dove into myself to ask – “What would take this conversation deeper, to what doesn’t feel superficial to me?” — and i come to one answer — the focus would have to be on me. I would have to be able to talk about the things i’m experiencing, feeling, learning. I can share areas in which i have already found answers, stability and balance. To go even deeper than that would be to the explore the areas inside of me that are still new to me. For some reason, when women give me advice about some situation, i feel like they have taken the focus off of me, and i shut down.

I cut off many women from my life when i got pregnant for the first time, because EVERY SINGLE woman who spoke to me, wanted to share her own experiences and give me advice on how to deal with things and not a single one of them asked me how I was feeling about my pregnancy. And i had FUN studying how my body was changing and the new things i was experiencing because of the hormonal shifts. I also noticed how women talked more about the unpleasant changes, and it made me wonder if there was something wrong with me, because i was enjoying myself. It seems to me that women bond in misery more than in joy. idk. I can’t bond with them in misery either. I feel like they are exaggerating and over-reacting. I especially hate it when they expect to bond over their disappointments with their men. and call their husbands one of their children! Extremely distasteful to me and prevented me from looking for other things i may have had in common with them.

At any rate. I feel like the Mother wounds in me are two fold. I have successfully protected something in me from being destroyed by the natural poison in a woman. Women use this poison to control each other and make life safer/easier for themselves. I did it too, when my 2nd one was born – i didn’t know how to balance the needs of my older one with the younger one. And i took to making emotional deals — “IF you do this then i will do this for you…” PURE EVIL! You NEVER treat a child this way! I could’ve strengthened his ability to bond instead, by including him in taking care of the baby and learning the needs of a new person and getting to know her better together! Then he would’ve bonded with the baby and also, not felt abandoned by me. Emotional manipulation
creates a feeling in a child, that they have to earn love. And if they can’t, they feel like they are not good enough. This is an EXTREMELY deep wound and very difficult to heal from. (I know fathers do this too, but our initial bonding is with our mothers, so the neglect and abandonment from a mother is deeper, imo).

Anyway. The flip side – mothers are also the ones who provide comfort, more than fathers do. This too, was lacking in my life. I have become who i am without the help of women. I don’t want to let them in, and open myself up to be wounded by them again, even though i know i can heal from any kind of wound. I’m not afraid of being wounded, but, i’ve gotten picky about who is worth the pain.

SO, the reason i say i do not want to be healed from this wound is because i do not want to lose the armor that i have created that keeps women out. i can’t tell the difference between the armor that’s hiding a wound and the one that’s protecting something of value. As long as i am able to bond with my children, and JB (or if it’s not JB, then whoever he may be) – I don’t want anyone else in my life. I also don’t feel the need to share as much as i used to. I feel no purpose in sharing. I feel like, the main reason for sharing is to get attention. And i don’t really want anyone’s attention. Everyone i care about already knows i exist, so i’m all good.

i don’t know if any of this makes any sense. lol 🙂

~ vino

[Vino]

Oh my!!! This brought tears to my eyes!!! Connection BEFORE money. Appreciation BEFORE money!!! Wow! I love that you got to have this experience!!!!

Thankyou for sharing my joy! I wanted to tell my mom, but then, i didn’t want her to get all anxious that i didn’t have to enough to pay for rent at the start of the month. i have a different view of my resources than she does. I appreciate that she isn’t demanding and doesn’t expect me to help her at all. But she does need money right now, and i sincerely believe that my pocket is just the opening to God’s Pocket. lol 🙂 So, i don’t get anxious about money in the same way that i do – for me, it’s just a practical juggling of deadlines and checks and matching things up in such a way that i don’t incur any fees. lol 🙂 For her, it’s an emotional thing, so it’s a much heavier burden to bear.

I love that you are feeling softer as well. Doesn’t it feel wonderful??? ABSOLUTELY! i was trying to figure out why i wasn’t as soft before — and i realized it’s because of two things – i wasn’t safe enough + i wasn’t strong enough. I relied on others to protect me. If there wasn’t anyone else around, i had to become my own protection so i turned into my own armor. But, armor hardens – it doesn’t strengthen. The weakness inside, that needs protection, continues to remain weak, and continues to need protection. So, all of the things that have happened in the past 3 to 4 years, are two-fold – they broke my armor, leaving me extremely exposed and vulnerable, but i also found healing! SO i gained strength, and didn’t have to rebuild my shattered armor. The Catholic church was a whole new and unexpected thing in my life and i have found that to be an EXTREMELY SAFE place to be as shattered as i need to be! i’ve never felt freer in my entire life!  I remember i was offended in the beginning, when JB told me i was of a different religion. Well – it turns out he was right. lol 🙂

There’s a LOT more i want to respond to, but i’m getting super sleepy! But tomorrow is my day off, so i’ll watch the videos and finish off my reply.

OMG! i love the changing seasons! This is something i didn’t grow up with, and i can’t get enough of it. But i think i’ve been enjoying it more in the past few years, and truly observing how my body and mind change with the seasons too. I don’t think i’ll be able to celebrate Christmas in a tropical country ever again! There’s just something so perfect about fall, that prepares the way for winter and something about the unbearable cold and the darkness that makes it just perfect for holiday lights and hot drinks… ah, yes! perfect! 🙂

~ vino

[Vino]

Then one day…there just was a feeling of peace and clarity that showed up about having the surgery. The “no” when away. So then began the adventure – of course not knowing I had 4 other surgeries in the lineup. LOL.

Wow! Aren’t you glad you didn’t know you were saying yes to a whole series of surgeries?! That’s so cool, how you were open to the ‘no’ to turn into a ‘yes’. It’s a very subtle shift, and sometimes, there’s no logical explanation for it, is there?! i love it when it happens, and it’s SO INCREDIBLY AWESOME!

. And I was also shocked how I felt open to all of it. I am incredibly independent and private.

I’m so glad that you were! I think it’s much harder for people to receive than it is to give. (except for those who think the world owes them something – they’re not fun to give to. lol 🙂 ) My Mom has always been a giver and the first time that she was in the place of receiver, it made her super uncomfortable and i pointed out to her that by receiving, she was giving others the opportunity to experience the good feelings that come with being able to give and meet someone else’s need. For me – i’m open to receiving – but i have HUGE trouble making my needs known. Today, i called the rental office and asked if it was ok to pay my rent late, and Carol didn’t even let me finish talking, she said it makes no difference how late my rent is, that i’m one of the best tenants and life happens and there’s no deadline for me. i was totally blown away. I don’t see any of my neighbors as problem tenants.

All the people that showed up and helped, were people I never wanted to “hang out” with nor wanted them to know more intimate details. My heart opened. I was vulnerable and I needed help and instead of resisting and “doing it all myself” I allowed myself to ENJOY receiving to the level that people gave. I am a much softer person after this past year.

I understand about becoming softer! It’s been happening to me too! I’m allowing my kids (and their friend who is living with us) to do things for me! Like preparing and bringing me food or drink… i even ask for it sometimes! And they are actually happy to do stuff for me! It’s a whole other feeling than when my mom brings me food or drink. I feel guilty when mom does things for me. I feel like the Queen Bee when my kids do stuff for me. lol 🙂

What kind of things do you consider ‘intimate details’? for me, health related stuff doesn’t feel intimate at all. It’s heart related stuff that feels intimate to me.

What a gift! Basically, what I am saying is should you ever get into a situation where you need help like your aunt or like me, you will be provided for in ways you can’t even imagine.

I don’t think i’m worried about being provided for. I don’t even need to know HOW, because i know that things shift a lot and whatever i need next month, will shift into place at that time. What concerns me is letting people into my life — like you did — you were able to let in people whom you normally wouldn’t hang out with — that’s a kind of test that i don’t want to even be tested with. lol 🙂

it’s kind of like my relationship with women — i KNOW it’s a wound that’s preventing me from trusting a woman with my emotional world — but, i’m totally happy with not having a woman to share my emotional world with. For example — I can’t think of ANY VALUE in sharing with another woman, face to face, about the adventure my heart is having because of JB! I don’t want my relationship with him to be seen or examined by anyone other than myself. I probably wouldn’t talk to you either, if you weren’t so far away and invisible to me! lol 🙂

So – even though i know i carry some kind of wound that keeps women out — i’m not interested in changing that. And i’m afraid that God will heal me of that wound in spite of myself. lol 🙂 It might be a surprise healing, or a subtle healing, from so deep inside that i won’t even notice my Scab-Armor falling off. So, if i were sick, the people i WOULDN’T want help from would be Indians and Ethiopians. lol 🙂 Thankfully, i have no Indian or Ethiopian friends nearby! Their generosity towards me makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable because i can’t see what strings are attached and i don’t trust them to give without strings attached.

Yes! I understand this feeling now. After all of these surgeries (1/2 my thyroid came out) I gained about 50 pounds. For the first time in my life, I can’t fit into my clothes.

Whenever i see a woman who is as out of shape as myself or larger than me, but full of confidence and sure of herself, i want to ask so badly – “HOW do you do it when you are so fat?” — but i know that’s not a good way to ask that question. Got any ideas?! lol 🙂 I’ve lost a lot of weight since starting work – mostly because i’m forced into an intermittent fasting schedule. It’s easy for me to skip breakfast, and i don’t get to eat anything till after noon. So, i lost over 15 lbs in my first 3 months and it started to taper off. But i’ve been observing my body and watching how it’s shrinking, especially around my belly – which has ALWAYS been big. I’ve been trying to ask my body tell me why i feel the need to be out of shape. What am i afraid of?

I know i can make use of the weight loss i’m experiencing, and tone by body super fast if i do callisthenics or lift weights, etc. But i find those things to be stressful to even think about at this moment. So, i’m just ‘getting to know’ my body. I’m paying attention to my posture, my breathing, the muscles i’m using (or not using) during different activities. I learned that i’m naturally a belly breather and that pushes out my belly muscles! SO, i focus on chest breathing when i walk, when i wake up or before i go to bed, or anytime during the day when i become aware of my breathing. One of the first things i noticed when i forced myself to use my chest muscles for breathing is how my belly goes in and during exhale and holds my spine stable, without having to hold my breath! I really like how my body feels when i’m walking while breathing with my chest muscles. I don’t feel flabby!

I know this is such a basic thing – but it makes me wonder what awesome shape i’d be in, if i had only used each of my muscles for the right jobs, instead of doing a mix and match thing! But somewhere down the line, someone labelled chest breathing as ‘shallow’ and i never stopped to consider that the chest muscles’ basic job IS breathing! AT this rate, i don’t know how many years it will take me to relearn all the proper muscle functions and use my body properly — BUT — it feels more meaningful than just doing a bunch of exercises.

I’ve also been massaging myself. I’ve almost fully gotten rid of a shoulder issue. In the past 2 weeks, i noticed a change in my belly – it has been feeling swollen – so i wondered if i’m experiencing some inflammation. there’s no pain. but it’s not caving in as much as it used to 2 weeks back, when i exhale. And when i massage my belly, i feel the pressure of my hands in a different way. Today, i felt my uterus. It’s most likely swollen a bit, because it has polyps in it. But i thought it may have shriveled up by now, because i haven’t bled in 4 or 5 months. SO – i was quite surprised to find myself bleedin today. Interestingly, i wasn’t upset. I’m just curious as to what my body is upto?

i would like to communicate with my subconscious lol 🙂 i wish i would write myself a letter!! lol 🙂 😀

i found some really fun videos on youtube by this lady called Immi. And she has some of the most gentle exercises on her channel. I am not consistent in doing them, even for a week or two, so i don’t know how well they work. BUT – they all feel good. and they are short – about 15 minutes. Here’s some of her self-care massages: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLlx9n0UuTzKABvQw6SRIqBD-gWfUHJu4j

And – thank you, Heidi! i like talking to you too! 🙂

~ vino

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