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omg! i realized something during the course of the day! I realized that my decision to NOT tell JB to let me know when he’s going to call ahead of time, has actually kept the lines of communication open without adding an undertone of obligation or responsibility! It has maintained the fun and the freedom in our communication!!!
Plus, he’s super respectful anyway. The first time he called, even though it was a planned call, he still asked me if it was a good time to talk! and i told him, of course it was, i knew he’d be calling, so i’d made myself free at that time… and he said – that’s true, but things happen that we don’t plan for.
So, if ever there’s a time that he calls and i can’t talk… he won’t be upset about it! But, telling him to not surprise me, because i didn’t want to miss a call from him – now that would’ve been a super bad idea!!! i’m so glad i didn’t do that!!!!
~ vino
I am anxious today!!! or maybe i’m excited. lol 😀
i went to my first BJJ class yesterday!!! and my teacher has high hopes for me, because i learned how to shrimp in one day! And he was proud of me, and even made me show off my shrimping to the others because not many others get it on their first day. 😀 I learned two more things that i’ve playing through my head.. the one move, he said is NOT a strength move.. but i don’t get how it’s not… I like how i don’t feel dumb for asking questions and how he answers them too! I had a few what if questions, so he demonstrated my what ifs! 🙂 I absolutely LOVE IT!!!
And this morning… i noticed i’m walking with more confidence! After just one class of BJJ!!! i guess i was made for this too!!! lol 🙂
I’ve been having more thoughts of JB as well. The thing you said about how slow he’s been with me. BUT… as frustrating as his slowness has been – has it not also been of great benefit to me? You remember how i was a few months back! I truly was needy! And i wasn’t able to see how to NOT be needy. Now, i know how to stop and think about what i need and look for ways to take care of myself. Isn’t that a very helpful thing to have learned?? Without that skill, i would’ve been a great burden in any relationship. So, why has he been so slow??? I honestly don’t know! it could be that he’s full of baggage, BUT – it could also be because he was waiting for me to grow up just a little bit more!!! isn’t that possible too?
he has strengths that i don’t have and i have strengths that he doesn’t have. I think there’s areas in his life that he needs to grow up in too. But i can’t help him with that, and he’s going to have to want to do that growing up on his own. I DO know that he is open to learning from anyone, through anything. He said something on one of our calls, that’s identical to a thought that i’ve had in my own mind for years – about learning and teachers. Anyway… i won’t know anything about him for sure till i actually meet him face to face.
I DO know one thing about myself though. I know that i cannot have a casual relationship with him. Some months back, i was weak willed enough to be willing to make an exception for him. But, i know myself better now. It isn’t just because i value myself more that i cannot have a casual relationship! It’s very specific to him!!! i cannot have a casual relationship with HIM because he means too much to me!! i don’t know how to explain that, even to myself! the best i can come up with is – there seems to be some kind of an easy balance right now. Adding anything will require us to rebalance things. This rebalancing would require both of us to work together, and if we’re not on the same page or if we don’t have the same goals and desires, it won’t work. So, whatever we add – we’ll need to be able to step back from, if it doesn’t work. And physical intimacy isn’t an easy thing to step back from!
So…. it’s a very good thing that we’re going slow! Phone calls were a good addition – it’s an easy thing to step back from… and it’s also an easy thing to add to – by frequency or kind of topics, etc etc. There’s a ton of things that are easy for me to write about, but harder to say out loud. I was pleasantly surprised that i was able to speak to him without anxiety destroying my presence of mind. There’s also a lot more control when you’re writing to each other, because you can take your time with a response, and delete all the things that don’t sound right. But when you’re talking… you can’t delete anything anymore or even think things through for a few hours before responding. So… there’s less control… more anxiety. So far, he’s the one initiating calls. But, he’s the one who has a heavy work schedule, not me, so i wouldn’t feel comfortable calling him.
i WAS going to tell him that as much as i love surprises and it was EXCEEDINGLY exciting to get a surprise call, i’d prefer to know exactly when he’s calling, because i don’t want to miss it when he calls and i also don’t want to spend all day waiting for a surprise call. I decided i wouldn’t tell him that! and also, that i wouldn’t wait for his call! But, instead, call or message back, if i DID miss a call from him! (see, i’m really growing up! lol 😀 )
well. i’ve got stuff to do. But i do like talking about him. lol 😀
~ vino
Heidi, i just finished listening to the video you shared!!!
Here’s my favorite beatboxer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47I3eTv94wk I especially like this video of his – although it’s one of his earlier ones… but his face and his whole demeanor is an exact contrast to the words he’s singing that it’s totally awesome and hilarious! i don’t think the guy could look sad even if he truly as!!! lol 😀
Do you think there’s a rule that you have to have a pretty face in order to beatbox successfully??!! lol 😀
i’ve often watched how they twist and scrunch up all the muscles in their faces but the never stop looking good no matter what shape their faces are in! lol 😀 😀 😀 So, my theory is that good looks is an unspoken prerequisite. lol 😀
Thank you, Kanya & Heidi!!!
Heidi – I LOVE belly dancing!!! i feel like i was made for it! i am going to keep looking for someone who can teach me in person, because i think that’s the best way to learn, especially if it’s something new and you don’t know what the movements are supposed to look like or feel like inside yourself. I am definitely uncoordinated! lol 🙂 But, the instructor is good, she breaks down the movements and explains what’s happening with your muscles when you create a movement and of all forms of instruction, i’ve found that kind to be the most helpful, because i know we all have the same muscles! lol 🙂 So i listen closely and watch closely, and then stop the video, close my eyes, and feel my body and create the movements. i’m practicing figure 8’s with my my hips right now, and the ‘maya’ was extremely hard and incomprehensible at first, but was i started to get the picture in my mind, my body was able to follow along. i get thrown off when arms are added… but i noticed that my arms, can ‘draw’ the movement that my hips are making, and not only does that increase the accuracy of my hip movements, but it also adds arms to the hips without feeling like two different bodies! lol 🙂 It does make it hard for me to follow along at the same pace as the video though, because i need to stop it and embed each part into my body before i can add to it or change it up.
What you said about BJJ being pure male and belly dancing being pure female…. i totally LOVE that!!! i don’t know why it sounds so good to me!
Kanya – to answer your question about my new me – yes – i can see it at work with family & friends! when i talked with my mom last week – i told her, to be prepared to hear about me being in the hospital or dead. Because, innocent people are getting beaten up on the streets and if something like that happens right in front of me, I WILL STEP IN! i’m so disgusted with what’s going on and i’m getting angry!
OMG! Heidi, Kanya… you guys are NOT going to believe what i just did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i went to a rally in the town over. A rally to show support for the police. Almost talked myself out of it, because i knew there was a possibility that there’d be rioters to disrupt things and i could get shot and that would be that. I wondered if i should say goodbye to my kids before i left… i didn’t do that. But, i did tell them where i was going and asked if they wanted to come along, which they declined, because we are divided in this matter. I had told JB i wanted to go, and he said i should, because it would be great to be with like minded people, and he said there’d be no trouble. I also told the BJJ instructor i was going, because he’d texted me just as i was headed out the door and asked if i was still interested in learning BJJ after having had time to think about it for a while. And he said it was important to support good people.
ALSO – there was a church right next to the park, that i found while studying the map, and i got EXTREMELY interested in it! So, i thought i’d go early and hang out at the church. However, i got super nervous about the whole thing, and my gut forced me to stay close to the bathroom till i had just enough time to get there in time for the rally! it’s a good thing i had looked at a few other places where i could park, because the roads that surrounded the church were blocked off, and i couldn’t have parked there as i’d planned!
So… while i stood there in the midst of strangers, i had this feeling that i should go up to all of them and shake their hands and tell them it was nice to be in a crowd of like-minded folks. But i didn’t. Then, someone went around handing out signs and they were big and awkward, and i didn’t want one but i politely took one. a bunch of important people spoke. A 99-yr old WW2 veteran emceed the meeting. He even sang at one point! He was amazing!! it’s always like finding treasure when these older folks show up, because they have such and incredibly awesome energy to them…!
Anyway – after the appointed speakers had spoken – they opened up the floor for anyone in the crowd to say whatever they wanted to say. And things got super interesting. As various people went up to speak, i suddenly felt like i had to speak. But, i DIDN’T get the usual fear that accompanies these nudges to speak out. I was so calm that i thought i was mistaken about my nudge. What did i want to say anyway? I didn’t know any cops! (except JB, but i don’t really KNOW him!) Then, i looked around at the people in the crowd, and i felt like whatever i had to say would really, really, really encourage them. So, i went up, and spoke!!!!!!!!!! Never spoken in front of a crowd with zero preparation! The last time i’d done it was over 20 yrs ago, and i was a nervous wreck, even with a piece of paper in front of me, AND people whom i knew, in the audience. This was a new place, total strangers, and zero preparation. But, i didn’t have a shred of nervousness in me!
i introduced myself, told them i was from the county over. told them i grew up in India and Ethiopia. that i had never felt safe till i came to this country. That it bothers me to no end when people rip up Americans. Because, if it weren’t for the Americans in my life, i would never have known that my life mattered. And i thanked all of them. and i was done. My voice hadn’t weakened even a tiny bit. my body did shake a little afterwards and i needed to lean for a while on the truck that had all the sound system on it. But… even i knew i sounded like i was used to public speaking! lol 😀 Several folks thanked me for what i said.
i feel like… there’s a very distinct ‘new me’ and an ‘old me’!!!
Wow, Heidi!
your second paragraph there is pure gold! i can attest to the fact that you are able to do what you aim to do – finding the goodness in a relationship and maximizing the benefits and supporting through consequences….! i am thrilled too, that you can see how i’ve changed. I do feel the changes in myself as well!
Gosh, there’s so much i want to write, but there’s a whole bunch of things that i set myself up to do today, and some of those things, i need to prepare for mentally and give myself enough space so i don’t chicken out. A quick update on yesterday – i went to the doctor’s. I am, indeed anemic! however, i got some excitement too. I got myself weighed after a year, and i knew i had lost weight, from how i look in the mirror and how my clothes fit – but i was NOT expecting that I am almost at my goal weight!! I have lost 25lbs from last year!!!! Details have to wait. lol 🙂
The doctor – is an older man, who graduated med school the year after i was born, and the very first day i met him, he had such an air of goodness about him, that i trusted him completely. I’ve never trusted doctors before, and i always try to keep my wits about me and question everything they say, so i don’t get suckered into something that i would have to live with the consequences of for the rest of my life. Anyway… i told everyone else about him, except him. And yesterday, while i waited for him to come to the room, i thought to myself, i really need to tell him how he makes me feel. Who knows if i’ll ever see him again? – so, i did. He wasn’t expecting it. 🙂
Also, i’m not just anemic, i also have very low Vit D levels. I knew that, but i hadn’t connected how deeply it was affecting my body, till my recent experiments with how the state of my body triggers my thoughts. Vit D deficiency creates all kinds of symptoms that are identical to DEPRESSION!!!! Dark skinned people need to stay out in the sun LONGER because melanin blocks the sun to some degree, so the body needs more exposure to make enough vit D. I believe i may have had Vit D deficiency my entire life! I hate being out in the sun!!!
And, i also looked up this menopause link that showed up in my feed. Apparently, there’s 10 different types of menopause. Mine is the type that’s called ‘erratic’. And it causes – foggy brains & exhaustion!!! AND – menopause in general creates a feeling of ‘foreboding’ – as if you’re dying!!!!!!!!! AND i thought the reason for my feelings of foreboding was because i walk through a cemetery every day and in the last week, i saw 4 graves being dug!!! Plus a phone call with my mom during that week and she said things like – ‘I don’t think we’ll see each other again on this side of life’!!! So. i can see how menopause can feel like dying to the body. It is the end of life as my body knew it, after all. But you know, it’s not a bad thing to keep in mind that we’re dying… it helps us keep our accounts with others short – tell people how much they mean to us when we’ve got the chance to do so instead of ‘waiting for a better time’ or allowing our social ineptness to get in the way! lol 🙂
Finally… i went to my BJJ class yesterday – it was just to watch and see if i wanted to do it – participate if i could. I couldn’t have participated even if i tried. There was too much action. BUT. The things i came away with were astronomical on SO MANY levels!!! I’m still unwrapping some of them. But, the first thing i noticed was the instructor. I haven’t seen a man so fit except in movies! Second thing i noticed was one of the students. He looked exactly like one of the actors in the netflix series ‘Arrow’. yes, he was incredibly fit too. And he behaved like the kid in Arrow. lol 🙂 I’ve never been in the same space as incredibly fit men! Good looking, yes… but good looking AND fit??!! There were two young women. Most were men. A lot of them were cops. One dad with his teenage son. Another dad with a 2 or 3 yr old. As terrified as i was to be there… i had a strange sense of calmness, and i was able to observe everything that was going on… and i wanted it to be a part of my life. I’ve never, in my entire life, participated in anything that requires so much physical contact!!! But, i feel like i desperately NEED it for some reason! i need to know how to defend myself! but also… i need to get to know my body. And i can’t think of a better way to get to know it than to use it in all kinds of different ways! So, it’s belly dance in the morning, BJJ in the evening! lol 😀
Oh, i also bought a course to learn to use my voice. To sing! I’ve always wanted to sing! But. I’ve always only been able to croak. My singing voice did surface a little bit when i was in nursing school. But, for the most part, i’ve always believed i can’t sing. But, like the dancing thing, it’s one of those things that i’ve always longed to be able to do. Not to sing for crowds, but to be able to sing the songs i love whenever i want to sing them. So, i’ll always have them with even if i don’t have access to youtube at the moment! So, i can sing when i go on my meditation walks! The intro – was – well – out of this world! for me it was. Stephen Ridley is the name of the musician who is teaching the course. He said (paraphrased) – that anyone can sing, because we all have a voice. But, we’re not all going to sing like the famous singers – because our musical instrument – our bodies – are different and unique! And his goal is to help people find their OWN voices and whatever makes their OWN voices unique! So we can sing like ourselves!!! I could go on forever about the fantastic images his words are creating in my mind and how i can apply them to every other area in my life that i’m currently working on! But… that’s a whole other book! lol 🙂
I just noticed i haven’t said anything about JB. he’s always there in the back of my mind though. His presence is much appreciated, as he stood in the doorway and prevented me from drooling over the BJJ instructor. lol 😀
~ vino
Hi Heidi!!
So good to reconnect with you again!
I don’t have a job yet. I don’t know if you know about it – but in one of the newsletters that came out from James Bauer, was this link to sign up for a 14 day course to discover your life’s purpose – with Stacie Overman. I like free stuff, so i signed up! And i almost quit after the 3rd session, because i was like – “Nope. I really don’t care enough about other people to figure out what i have of value to offer them.” lol 😀 But, i decided i’d stick with it to see where it went. And i had moments of clear thoughts – i DO have something to offer to people. i also have a lot of personal priorities right now. i can work on everything at the same time, i DO have time!! lol 🙂
So, i signed up for more intensive coaching with Stacie, and i have no idea where it’s going to take me! While working on a ‘vision board’ (after a session with Stacie) – i started to write down the things i’d forgotten. Things that make ME happy. Like belly dancing! There was actually going to be a class at the library nearby, except that COVID got in the way! So, i signed up for some good online lessons. And i am also looking for a brazilian jiu jiutsu class to join. I’ve heard back from one coach – they will be starting classes around July 8th. I don’t know how much it’s going to cost, but… there’s some money i need to burn, that i don’t want to take into my future with me!
I also made an appointment to see a doctor! i’ve been excessively fatigued this past week, and it makes me so ashamed of myself when i can’t do the things i want to do. But, i WAS extremely anemic last year from too much bleeding and i did have an unpleasant month last month, so… maybe i’m anemic again! idk. My limbs are like jelly, and i get worn out so fast. my mind is cloudy a lot too.
there was a retirement package that i ordered from Suze Orman. And it got delivered by i didn’t get it. I wasn’t expecting it to be delivered so quickly, because of COVID, so i never checked the tracking till a month had passed! Then, i was so embarrassed, and i wondered if they’d even believe me. I emailed customer service twice and didn’t hear back, and kept forgetting. Every time i remembered, it got harder to call, because it was so long since i ordered it! I finally called yesterday! And the thought that kept me grounded was the memory of my calls with JB. Phone calls make me super anxious. And yet, i had not been anxious at all when i was talking to him! i was able to listen and respond properly. So… i told myself that i DO have the ability to remain calm on a phone call. And what’s the worst that they could say? That they don’t believe i didn’t receive the package. What would i do then? re-order it, because i really need it! Sure it was more money than i usually spend on myself, but it was still less than $80!!! So, i called. And i was surprised that they didn’t even ask for proof that i didn’t receive it!!! lol 😀 they’re sending me another one, and i don’t have to pay for it again.
Anyway. i DO have plans to go work part time at a store. Some of my former coworkers are working at a store that’s similar to the one we used to work in. Seasonal stuff. not as much craft stuff. But, a lot more fun than ugly dollar store stuff and tedious grocery stores. However, before i get myself a job, i am going to SET IN stone – the time slots for my BJJ class, my online belly dancing class, Stacie’s classes, and other things that i have always put aside for the sake of a silly little part time job! I’m the priority on my calendar now!
This morning, i was surprised when i didn’t want to write to JB! i started writing him an email, because there were some interesting things i wanted to share with him after my walking meditation. Before i was done writing it all down, my desire to share ended, so i ended my email, and sent it. I usually wrap things up neatly so it sounds logical. Or else, i delete it completely, because it’s half baked. But… i just sent it! lol 😀 it has become easier for me, to not talk if i don’t want to!
i did feel like talking to you though. there’s relationship videos online that i listened to in the last 2 days, that interestingly – increased my needy factor! The way that happened, was by how judgmental they were towards someone like JB. So, they created doubts in my heart, and i started to wonder where my relationship with JB is headed, and i lost my joy. Do you suppose these videos do the same to other women too? Are they making it impossible for women, to give a man the benefit of the doubt, by putting timelines on the progression of a relationship? They sound SO LOGICAL and LEGITIMATE! Just move on, if such and such doesn’t happen within such and such time frame… etc etc etc. But every single time a woman moves on from one man, the next woman who dates that man, will have to wait longer for the man to learn to trust her! So, when you get to a man in his late 40s or 50s… you’ve got a very beaten up man! So… just move on??!! to be honest i can’t think of any logical reason for a man to WANT to be in a relationship with a woman! Women are more pain that it’s worth!!!
Anyway. I got myself stuck in a loop there, because, i DO have needs that i’m setting aside for the time being. And i know, i’ll have to deal with it sooner or later. And for the life of me, i don’t know how. JB is full of all the red flags in the book! in everybody’s book!! lol 😀 i wonder if i’m full of all the red flags in a man’s book? idk. all i know is, no man has ever seen me as worth investing himself in. With JB – he’s still around because i don’t hurt him like other women did. i don’t know what his intentions are, or even if he has any at all. with my hormones being unstable, there are days that i find myself needing him. like today. when i have absolutely nothing to give to him. and i wish he’d think of giving something to me. However, i can sense that he too is depleted. Does that even make sense? it’s not just his job. he got himself a little cat which he picked up yesterday. And the poor thing is all anxious… it’s the first time it’s been on it’s own. So she didn’t sleep all last night.
well. i’ve run out of things to say. I’m going to go cook my dinner and practice my dancing! lol 🙂
~ vino
Thank you, Kanya!
And great questions!!!
One of the conferences that i was on, the speaker said that relationships are either like a crucible or a sanctuary. And although extremely rare, the ideal relationship would be both a crucible and a sanctuary for both involved, because there’s no energy leaks. I thought about my relationship with JB in that context and realized that he’s the biggest crucible relationship i’ve had. He’s able to provide some degree of sanctuary, but that’s unreliable. However, the degree of crucible he can provide is unparalleled, because 1. he’s a man, and i value a man’s opinions and insights. 2. i haven’t found another person i can be so raw and honest with.
so – in terms of the power he has in my life – his role is to just open my eyes to things i haven’t considered before. Like – what do “I” like to eat?! That reminded me that i still haven’t gotten to know “ME” well enough! And it has prompted me to look for other ways in which I’ve been neglecting myself.
in terms of my plans for our communication – since there’s nothing i “NEED” him for – it’s great to have him around to become aware of when i start having those ‘needy’ feelings again. I pull back and ask myself: “Why do i feel like i need to talk to him right now? What do i want from him?” Or “Why do i feel like i need to hear from him right now? What Need do i hope he will satisfy?” and then, i’m able to focus on myself and my needs. He’s just a happy trigger on the side. I like having the communication doors open so there’s no stress of losing his friendship. I don’t need to write to him Or hear from him, to get triggered! lol 😀 So, i can work on my triggers on my own. And when i do hear from him – it doesn’t matter if it’s deep stuff or light stuff or even just a picture and no words. It feels like a delicious desert, and i enjoy it fully and savor every moment. And when i write to him, it’s because i have something to share, not because i’m hoping to trigger a response from him. So, there’s been days when i’ve emailed him every day, although i hadn’t heard back from him. I know he’s busy, and doesn’t always have time to respond. But, i also know he reads every single word i write! It shows in his responses, when he does respond. There’s also been days when i don’t write to him. And i don’t feel like he’ll forget me if i don’t remind him of my existence.
There is also another thing i’m working on – I’ve noticed that he is still occupying a space in my heart – perhaps it’s a doorway – he’s there, and his presence is preventing me from getting to know or even Wanting to know any other man. In the time that i was not writing to him, he didn’t budge from the doorway. But his presence was painful. Now, there’s no pain. I’m waiting for the space to open up naturally. His presence also protects me from falling for another man in a needy way! So, i can use his presence for that as well. Because, he has made me aware of certain things, that i didn’t know i needed in a relationship, my boundaries are more accurate because of him. The only man who can get through that doorway now, would have to be greater than JB.
And I’ve considered the possibility that perhaps he’s blocking me from seeing the greatness of other men? But – i’m not yet in the place where i’m able to give full focus to that question. I still need to establish myself financially, and in other ways, before i am ready to focus fully on a romantic relationship. JB’s presence takes the edge of the loneliness that always made me desperate for a man’s presence in my life. it’s just, so good to have a man to talk to!! 🙂 So, right now, things are perfect – and i am able to focus on myself, and figure out what my needs and wants and desires are, without being distracted by what a man might want from me. so… in a roundabout way, JB has become a sanctuary for me too! lol 😀
Of course, in the back of my mind, i also have the thought that JB might be the man in my future. I’m not against it. But again – even with him – i’m not ready for a more intimate relationship. I need to stabilize myself first.
~ vino
Heidi! Kanya!!! I never got the notifications that you had responded and then so many things were happening, so i never checked back. The reason i checked today, is because of something one of you had said about JB – you’d said that it’s not that hard to make a phone call. If he really wanted to do it, he could do it even if he was at work. (something to that effect – there’s too many pages of messages to go back and check! lol 😀 )
So… a quick update on where i am now…! JB and i continued to write till the middle of April. And we had some super cool conversations with more sharing of secrets (all via email and whatsapp). And then, i had an emotional outburst and he got too stressed and decided he didn’t want to continue any kind of correspondence with me. To his credit, he didn’t say that the night i exploded on him. He slept on it, and told me the next morning. Which was also a good thing, because it’s so much less stressful than being ghosted! But… the pain that ensued was astronomical. I felt like i had been shredded right to the bone, and i wondered why, because – hadn’t i decided i was just going to be friends with him? Obviously, those were just words from my mouth. I can’t control my heart.
After the initial pain wore off in about a week, i examined what had happened, from an angle i had thought of before. I asked myself – What was i getting from him, that when he took it away, i was in so much pain? I mean… we’d only been writing, we hadn’t talked or met, so… what was i truly losing?? And the answer surprised me. Protection!!! that was a big one! i coudln’t make sense of it! What was he protecting me from??!! Certainly not from himself! And i wasn’t in any danger anyway! The second thing i was getting from him – was his masculine energy. My feminine only comes out in the presence of a strong masculine, and i truly like being in my feminine energy. So, my next task became clear – identify the source of this danger that i needed protection from, and figure out how to provide my own protection, so i won’t have to rely on any man for that. And secondly, figure out how to be in my feminine energy, regardless of if there’s a male presence around or not, because, i am a woman after all, and i don’t need a man next to me in order to be a woman!
With those thoughts in mind, i got sucked into several free courses and conferences and bought more books and listened to a ton of audios wherever i could find them… there was no pattern to the things i got drawn into… just a few words that struck a chord would cause me to buy a whole book. then, i’d just read the index and skim through a few chapters and then deal with the explosion of thoughts in my mind. During this time, i constantly checked my emotional and mental state by bringing JB to mind – to test if i still needed him. sometimes i did. sometimes i didn’t. whenever i did, i wrote him a letter. Not to send to him, but to just pour my heart out. There was one strong feeling i couldn’t shake. I knew, he hadn’t blocked me. i also knew he wouldn’t write to me. But then, I also knew, if i said the exact right things, he would write back to me. (sorry that’s 3 feelings. lol 😀 ) My goal was to find a way of providing for myself the things he was providing me with, before talking to him again. I wasn’t sure how long that would take… i gave myself a year. lol 😀 I thought it would be a good time to write to him on the anniversary of his mom’s passing – next February.
I started a journal of my feelings because there were several days that were identical and i wondered if i could find a pattern. I colored each day based on the prominent feeling of the day – and started noticing how my feelings affected my physyical functions and then, i started to walk every morning, and noticed i was walking differently based on my feelings and thoughts, and then i noticed i didn’t always have feelings and thoughts before my body moved in a certain way! There were days when i woke up afraid! And i was still in bed! There were days when i felt like i owned the world. There were days when i felt vulnerable and unsafe and other days when i felt vulnerable but safe! Needless to say, it was a great adventure and still going on… but i’ve located fears, some are real, some are irrational, my body picks up both, and i am able to de-escalate because i recognize what’s happening. I also started to keep track of the different strengths of each day, and the different needs i have in each state. My strongest state is when i’m in my Examiner space… super logical and observing all the data that’s coming in and filing them for future reference. Today, i’m in a mental explosion state, because there’s dots that are connecting! I’m excessively communicative when my brain is exploding. lol 😀 But, my happy space, is the ‘vulnerable + safe’ space – my feminine!!! which exists without the masculine!!!
Anyway… last month – exactly a month from when he said he didn’t want to write again – i knew exactly what to say to him. And i wrote to him. I thanked him for helping me set off on an unbelievable journey of unparalleled growth, in so many different areas of my life. I told him i’d like to still keep in touch with him, too. (that’s the jist of it). He wrote back, just like i knew he would. In just a few hours after i’d sent him my message. Once again, the nature of our communication shifted. I wonder why i thought we had a raw, honest connection before, because it has gotten even more raw and honest, and i didn’t think that was possible.
Then, on Wednesday night, he wrote to me, sharing with me one of the things he struggles deeply with, and asked me what i think of him. I told him that any answer i gave him would be incomplete and lopsided, because it would only be based on his writings and the things his writings triggered in me. I told him, that his writings have caused me to have a high regard for him. But, how could i know what he’s truly like till i see him, or at least hear him?? And out of the blue, he said he’d call me the next day. I didn’t believe him. But he set a time. I had two other calls i had to be on that day! So i actually had to say no to one of the times he picked! I was so proud of myself!!! I gave priority to myself! I am capable of saying NO to JB!!!
He called me! And we spoke for an hour. He was in complete control of the conversation, for which i was thankful, because i’m not a phone person. He talked, he asked questions, he listened, he responded to things i said, he made me laugh, and surprisingly, i wasn’t as nervous as i thought i’d be! After our phone call, our conversations changed in nature again! There’s more of a lightness to it. But also more freedom, to be more honest!!! It just boggles my mind, how much deeper this honesty thing is than i had imagined it to be!!! Anyway… he’s on some crazy wild exhausting schedules, so i had no idea when he’d be able to schedule another call. And last night, he was on a 12 1/2 hr night shift, starting at 11pm. My phone rang at 11:01pm!!! And we spoke for an hour and half!!! That’s why i remembered what you’d said. He’d called me from work. He’s the top dog in his department and he answers to only one person above him, he can do whatever he wants! He can call me when he’s at work! We spoke like we were old friends, reconnecting after a hundred years, and trying to fill each other in on all our adventures.
Every time i think of our phone conversations, i am SO, SO, SO thankful that he didn’t call before!! I wouldn’t have been able to talk to him so freely! It makes a great deal of difference, when you don’t need anything from another person! But.. oh… i can’t get enough of talking to him! lol 😀 He gave me some homework. He told me, i should go get something good to eat, something that i like a lot, because i don’t have to think about the kids this week – he said to cook myself something good. I couldn’t think of anything when he said it. I asked him instead, what he special thing he likes to make for himself. Today… I’ve been trying to think of what i would like to eat, and for the life of me, i’m drawing a blank!!! I am easy to feed. When the kids are away, i eat frozen food. I only cook when the kids are home, because they hate frozen foods! And i feel free when they’re gone because i can eat junk or nothing at all, and i’m happy.
But, for the life of me, i can’t think of what “I” like to eat??!!! see… this is why i need him in my life. he makes me think about things i wouldn’t have thought of otherwise. And last night, he told me, i make him think about things too, and give him a kick in the pants! omg, i love how i can talk to him about anything! And when i come across something that i hesitate to tell him, it makes me examine it closer to see what’s causing me to hesitate. There’s only two reasons to hesitate – it’s either none of his business, or i’m ashamed of it. I don’t want to be ashamed of anything i do or say. And it’s good to have a way to test things!!! 🙂 i don’t even have to tell him anything, i can just use him as a test! lol 😀
This was supposed to be a quick update… but it turned into a book. I am so sorry! i am going to the grocery store now, to wander the aisles to see what i want to eat that isn’t frozen!!! lol 😀
~ vino
Hi Heidi!
It’s been a few days. lol 🙂 And what you wrote, it did help. I dropped my focus down to what was immediately around and things were ok, although I was in a lot of pain. Two of the days, I felt like i’d pass out from the pain. And for two days, I couldn’t sit at all. So, i’d just go from horizontal on my bed, to standing up for a change in position. The mop helped me get around the house. I did NOT go to a doctor or anyone while I was in my pain. I’ll be making an appointment next week, with a PT, because there’s residual stiffness and restricted ROM in the hip still, so that should help them figure out what’s at the bottom of the flare up. The second reason I’ve been having trouble making appointments is the lack of my car. Still don’t have it back! When I pick it up, i’ll let them know my true feelings – that I feel like I have not been treated well by having the work done in a timely manner, and i’ll tell them I won’t be seeing them again. I feel cheated too, because of the cost. I learned I could’ve gotten a new car with a little bit of extra money added to that. Instead, I just got an old car rebuilt… and lost two months waiting for it! Anyways.. .that’s a problem for next week.
As I wasn’t able to sit, I wasn’t able to get anything done on the computer so I didn’t do my taxes or look for jobs. At some point, I decided to just embrace my inability to do anything and just rest. I didn’t think I was the kind of person who needed to be forced to rest! But I think the kinds of actions that I normally engage in, wear out my body in unhealthy ways. And I don’t want to feed the pain. So… it was a good time to sort through my priorities, mentally. I read stuff and I’ve been doing so much thinking.
I found myself another pen pal. He’s eager to meet though, and i’m the one who is stalling, because I needed space to figure him out. he is only interested in a casual relationship. Unlike a lot of other men I’ve chatted with, at least this guy was capable of engaging in a conversation and truly listening to what I was saying. Could be because he used to be a lawyer! lol 🙂 At any rate, he gave my brain some interesting thoughts to ponder and explore, and gosh, I DO love that! lol 🙂 I told him, if I did want to be in a casual relationship, then it wouldn’t be with him, but with JB. He thought I could have two casual relationships going on side by side – or as many as I wanted! ROFL 😀 Anyway… I couldn’t help but compare my conversations with him and with JB. And the harder he tried to turn me away from JB, the more attractive JB became, and the less attractive HE became!
Oh, JB & I have continued to write… although I thought I had nothing left to say after our last conversation in which he said we’d meet in spring. Today, I was thinking, I really enjoy writing to JB. Why should I punish myself by stopping something that I enjoy? But then, I also went back and read some of the things I’ve written to him, and realized that … he’s gotten messages from me in all kinds of mental states! Some of which, were quite lightheaded and silly and they embarrass me now, in retrospect! Suddenly, i’m not so sure I really want to see him anymore! if he remembers half the things I’ve told him, i’d be totally embarrassed to look him in the eyes! Ok, so he’s shared stuff with me too, that he said were embarrassing to him, but he could’ve just been saying that… they didn’t seem embarrassing to me!
Anyway – in spite of the embarrassment, I do still feel free with him, and it’s that freedom that’s making our correspondences enjoyable. So, i’m just going to focus on that for now, and enjoy our random conversations, some of which still take a deeper turn unexpectedly… and just practice being friends with a man who knows how to write. The Lawyer guy, was so intent on wanting to help me catch up on all the sexual experiences that I’ve missed out on. I automatically resisted. But I wondered why JB never did that. There’s several possibilities – he’s not straight, he’s not a man, he’s not sexually attracted to me, or he’s just a lot more respectful than the lawyer or something else. regardless of the possibilities, i’m not being forced into conversations or meetings that I would find uncomfortable. And I really like that. So, I’m drawing back again… I was too intent on meeting him to find out if I’d find him attractive in person, that I forgot, that he’d still be a great friend, even if we don’t have ‘chemistry’. And i’m good at being friends. So, that’s what I want with JB. Just an honest, raw friendship. And it doesn’t matter where it goes or how fast or how slow. I DO KNOW – that I don’t want it to go the way of a casual fwb relationship. Thanks to the lawyer, I realized, I can’t handle that! Not even one at a time! lol 😀
That was quite an accomplishment for me! I’ve created a solid boundary for all men! And hopefully it will not weaken for a more attractive man!
Anyway – about being alone and not having anyone to catch you when you fall – I know that being in a relationship doesn’t mean i’d have someone to catch me. I’ve been in some kind of relationship all my life – when I lived with my parents, I wasn’t alone. When I was in nursing school, surrounded by people 24/7, I wasn’t alone. When I was married, I wasn’t alone. And yet… I’ve never ever felt like I’ve ever had anyone who would catch me if I fell. Not once. I’m tired of being the only guard on duty. Of course, it’s not at a conscious level except at times when I feel weaker than usual. So, the best I can do about it now is to simply take care of my health and put all my papers in order. That’s all that’s under my control. And there’s just so much that I need to learn!
~ vino
OK to Feel.
Had to make a separate post for this. To be honest, i haven’t been dealing with any of my feelings on a conscious level. But, i DID get in touch with my subconscious! It was super scary, to say the least. I had a nightmare. I’ve always had very vivid dreams, and they’re usually entertaining. There’s one that came back many times when i was younger, and it was the only one that was a Longing. Then, there’s the nightmares. The nightmares always involve people i love. Losing my kids, saying goodbye to my dad all over again, people i love morphing and changing into people i don’t love or vice versa. Super scary stuff. This time, it was about losing control and it was so scary that i thought i’d pass out.
In my dream, i’m trying to get ready for the day, but my room is empty. No clothes, no furniture, no sounds. I walk out and in the corner, by the front door, there’s a woman, sitting at an old fashioned sewing machine, sewing stuff. I asked her what’s going on. She told me my sister would be able to explain it better. I step out the door, and turn left towards the garden. My sister is sweeping the cobbled path, lifelessly. She knew before I spoke, why I had sought her out. “You’re not real,” she said. “Nothing around us is real. It can all change at any moment, according to the whims and fancies of those who are in control.” I stared at her, not understanding a word of what she said. I could feel my body. I was real. All whom I had loved – they were real. What was she talking about? She could see that I didn’t understand. “You mean nothing,” she said. “Nobody does. Most people never see beyond where they are. So they are happy. But in truth, we have nothing. We are nothing. We just live and die for someone else’s pleasures.” I felt an emptiness that was so deep and painful. “What’s the point of living, then? Just kill me now!” She looked at me with lifeless eyes, shook her head and went back to her sweeping.
I turned around and left her, wondering how I could take my own life. Would I even be able to do it, if I had no control over anything?
Then, as I looked around me, I wondered what everything was made of – the ground, the plants in the garden, the walls of the houses, the sky and the clouds. It all seemed to be made of fabric. I started to wonder, if I could climb out of this world, and find out who the hell was in control! But first, i needed to find all those people i loved… where had they gone? There was nobody in the whole fabric world, except me, my sister and that strange woman sewing on her old machine.
__________________________________________________________________I know, fun story. I bet i’ll enjoy it after a few months. lol 🙂 But the fear and pain that i felt in the emptiness, was just too strong. It completely took away my will to live. I was glad i found strength in the thought of finding my ‘loved ones’ again.
And last night, i experienced the same fear again, only this time, i was awake. My hip has been getting worse since Saturday. I didn’t injure it in any way, to my knowledge. The last two days, it was excruciatingly painful whenever i tried to stand from a sitting position. I was almost tempted to see a doctor. But, i did a quick search online, and saw that it resembled bursitis the most. And it said, outer hip pain is usually related to soft tissues. I can handle muscles! and the rest is probably inflammation. Plus, the last time i saw a doctor while i was still in pain, they just increased the pain while diagnosing. So, i’ll wait till my pain is manageable. Unless it gets worse with my ‘treatments’…
Anyway, last night, i got myself into bed, and laid there thinking of the last time i’d been in severe physical pain. It was in my foot, i had a hairline fracture. I got a cortisone shot in my joint. it was one of the most terrifying experiences ever. one of the treatments listed for bursitis was a cortisone shot. And i played it out in my head… it’s the go-to for bringing down swellings and pain really quickly, so i knew they’d suggest it. But my response was: “I am scared. I can’t take any more pain, even if this one will bring a bit of relief. I feel too fragile right now.” I went to sleep wondering how i was going to deal with the pain if it kept increasing. I decided i’d ask for a quick general anesthesia, like the kind they use when they remove wisdom teeth, and just knock me out before giving me the shot. But during the night, my leg went numb and i woke up, not able to move it AT ALL. And the fear filled me again. I was afraid i’d pass out. Then i wondered what my daughter would do…. who would come upstairs and get me out of the bed? and i couldn’t pass out. I was too scared to pass out. I decided to move my numb leg anyway, even if it hurt. So, i just clenched my glutes and abs and anything else that would clench. Clench and release. i could move when my muscles were tightened. I found a better position to sleep in. And by morning, my pain was a lot less. I’m loading myself up with anti-inflammatories now. and i know how to sleep tonight. I”m also not sitting for as long as i did earlier this week. I’m typing standing up. But, it’s exhausting me. And i felt faint several times today.
Last time i almost passed out, was after i donated blood. I sat in a little bagel shop and thought about the bagel guy freaking out, an ambulance coming to get me, and the kids – who would tell the kids where i was? So, i got a hold of myself and didn’t pass out. But i also haven’t donated blood since.
There’s no one to catch me when i fall (or pass out). So, my vigilance increases, when i start feeling weaker. And pain, weakens me the most, because it hurts so much! The fear that i feel when i can sense pain coming on, is like a metal band crushing my heart.
AND – i think I’ve hit menopause! Which i’m totally thrilled about because i never made friends with my periods, but, there might be some hormonal things that are wackier than usual, that i still haven’t identified.
~ vino
Hi Heidi… (and Kanya) – When I wrote my first message on here, I didn’t think i’d be here this long, talking about all kinds of things other than JB! I can never repay you for the time you’ve spent on me. Thankyou. I truly appreciate how well you listen, and the feedback that you give me, and the questions that you ask. I totally LOVE it!
My daughter got back from TX just fine and she had a good time. I was ashamed of myself, because I was so overwhelmed with everything else all happening at the same time, that I barely thought of her at all. I saw her before she left (her dad took her to the airport, I was at work). I told her to text me when she got there, and when her friend picked her up. I had an approximate idea of when those times would be, but everything in between, she wasn’t on my mind! She made new friends and had a good time! I love it when she does things opposite of what she thinks she’s capable of. She told me she even made jokes and made people laugh. 🙂
I like your spin on dating. And I see how it makes sense. I’ve learned more about me than JB in the last 4 months! lol 🙂 And, you’re right, he did give me the experience of being accepted after losing control of myself. Gosh, he confuses me so much! I’ve been trying to hate him and I can’t. 🙁 As for the other guy – he’s also off a dating site. I ‘met’ him before JB, when I was in the middle of moving to my new apartment – in September. His very first message – he wanted to help me move! I was friendly when I corresponded with him. And when his subscription ran out, he wanted to keep in touch, so I gave him my facebook link. All through our correspondence, he came across as very needy. I don’t have energy for that. If I knew him from work, i’d be able to work with him, as I’ve worked with other needy people and they can SEE that although i’m willing to listen, and be a friend, but i’m not going to solve their problems for them. Well… this guy… was sending me a ‘hello. What are you doing?” message almost everyday – and i especially hate those! what is he, a middleschooler?! after i gave him my fb account, it was more frequent. “Off to work.” “Back home now”. and i am NOT A TEXTER! even if i was, what made him think i’d be interested in every detail of his life? I told him, i’m not a texter, not on fb, not on my phone. Only my kids can text me at anytime, for no reason. I’ve told him that whenever i have time off, my priorities are myself and my kids. And today, it got to an all time low. He tells me he’s bored and lonely! Really?! I honestly don’t care! So, i got mad at him and told him he’s not a child anymore (he’s 51!!!) and he’s responsible for his own feelings. I tried being friendly but he was draining me. I was cordial long enough. I snapped this time. I don’t think he’s going to write to me anymore. Would it have been different if i’d gone out with him? i don’t need people with negative energy in my life! I don’t even need to chat with them for long before recognizing it.
And – i did go out with a guy i wasn’t interested in – just once though. I knew we didn’t have a connection, but he couldn’t tell. He was good at talking, and he wasn’t telling me he was bored and lonely, so we met for coffee. I was able to engage him in conversation for the whole hour, and even focus on him, although he was distracted and had his phone on him and talked about how hard life is. i was glad he didn’t call back, although he said he would’ve liked to hang out for longer, but not for coffee. But, i do like the idea of experimental dating to learn about myself! And practice detachment! oh, and what to do if the attachment is the other way round??!! definitely need to be of a stronger mindset for all that than where i’m at now!
~ vino
Hmm… I think i’m starting to sink into my heart. Removing distractions one by one. Stopped trying to be funny. Not interested in chatting with anyone online. And my hip is in a lot of pain so that helps too. Walked by the store yesterday, and looked into the darkened windows. it was like looking at an abandoned site, with faint images of happy people working there, people I recognized, but didn’t really exist. It’s like i’m in a twilight zone. I share the same space as others, physically. But i’m not really there. I’m in a place that doesn’t exist anymore. If anyone does see me, they only see the shell on the outside.
I think I will hibernate till spring too. I might need longer. There’s no peace in my heart if I doubt JB. So I won’t. At the same time, yesterday’s conversation created a deeper peace. I don’t feel the need to keep in touch or remind him of my existence anymore. I have nothing to offer him anyway. Not even friendship, because my heart is raw and empty. I still don’t understand the full extent of what I have lost. I’m still mostly numb. I need time to heal. That healing won’t happen with JB, or any other man. I need to be whole before I meet a man.
What triggered me with JB – he ruined my plans. I wanted to meet him face to face and decide for myself if I wanted him in my life or not. I was trying to control where our interactions led. He won’t be controlled. So I got mad. And i told him he was a liar, and questioned everything that i had never doubted. But you are right, there’s no solid proof for anything he has said. That’s why i wanted to meet him so badly. I wanted to see how real he was. I don’t like lose ends. But this may never get tied up in a neat little bow. I can’t force him to meet me. I mean. what’s in it for him??!! idk.
Dating. It’s one of those things. i grew up in cultures that don’t date. It was even forbidden. So, naturally, i wanted to do it. Unfortunately, it takes two to date. There was nothing about me that would attract a man. Of course, we were just kids back then, and extremely shallow. One of my friends said that, if he wanted to be in a traditional relationship, all solid and dependable, then he’d marry me in a heartbeat. But he wanted something more. He didn’t say what he wanted. But i knew what he wanted. The same thing that i did. Endless adventure and fun, fun, fun, and more fun. But that’s not the image i projected. I was boring.
I know i’m more interesting now. And i’m not afraid to say that i want to have fun & adventures too. But. truth is, i don’t know how men see me. I might still look boring. Except when i’m super depressed and hiding it with my humor. What happens when i stop laughing? And sink into my pain? Who wants to be around me then? idk. I think dating allows you to figure out if you want a person in your life or not. Or in what way. You might work better as friends than as lovers. There’s a man whose been wanting to take me out to dinner. Or just hang out. ‘AS friends’ he says. but i’m not attracted to him at all. It bothers me when he asks me out. i can’t hang out with him even just as friends. i don’t have the energy or the desire to be ‘just friends’. It makes no difference how nice he might be. he might even be willing to be with me in my pain!
It’s kind of like the actor Jack Black. He’s a trigger. I hate every character he’s ever played. He devalues the worth of a movie just by being in it. Now, what if he’s not at all like the characters he plays? He’d still be a trigger to me.
I wanted to find out if JB could tell me, what i look like to a man who isn’t gay or overweight and unhealthy looking, or crass & crude. I already know how those kind of men see me. And i don’t like what they see. I want to know what i look like, to a man of my own generation. Am i more attractive now, then when i was a teenager? Am i more fun? Would they choose me, over another girl?
JB update:
Had a good e-mail conversation over the space of the whole afternoon. The weekend was rough – I got mad at him and questioned everything he’s ever said to me and I wasn’t very kind. On Friday, JB had told me, it was too complicated to work out a time to meet because of the distance and because I have kids to consider, etc etc etc. Plus, i still don’t have my car back so even if i were to visit him, it would take me 3 hrs just to get there, and i guess he doesn’t see the point in that either. But I was still angry and I specifically attacked the things that I knew would hurt him. 🙁
I cooled down after a few days but didn’t think he’d write back again. Today, he did. He didn’t respond to all of my attacks. He simply said that everything that he’s told me is true, but he understood my doubts. He’s feeling depressed and he’s back at work, 6 days/wk and his health is acting up and his social calendar is not a priority right now. I wrote back… and then, I re-read what I had written to him over the weekend and I was shocked. I apologized to him for ripping up all the stuff that I knew was true without a doubt. He said he’s BIG on forgiveness. And that he forgives me 100% and that he has deleted my enraged messages.
And then, after a few more exchanges, he said he “My sincerest belief is that you’re a very fine, kind, sincere, honest, understanding, compassionate, thoughtful and respectful person. We will meet in the spring.”
I”m not going to analyze anything – either the things that I said or the things that he said. Just one thing, that I cannot help but notice – we had another conflict and we’re still talking on the other side of it. I also felt like I was able to be completely honest about my feelings, and he was strong enough to take it.
That said, I’ve decided to Friend zone him and let him work himself out of there if he’s interested enough. He obviously needs the space, and I still think he’s a good man. I’ve had depression, and I know that a regular work week exhausted me more than normal, with the extra weight of depression to carry.
But, I’m going to keep trying to set up my online profiles, and see who else I run into. I’m also not in a rush, because… I really need space myself. I walked by the old store today, after my daughter I had dinner, and I looked into the darkened windows. The new owners have already started remodeling, but the shelves were still there, silent and neatly arranged and empty like we last left them. And I could see images of us, working together, laughing and being happy. It was eerie. Like those horror movies in which ghosts of the pasts are stuck in the last activities together just before they were wiped out completely. I don’t think I can set foot in that store without seeing our own ghosts!
at any rate, spring is not far off. March has already begun. And I have a lot of work to do!
~ vino
Ok, so I have a confession to make. I have never actually dated anyone. Other than the person I married. So, I have ZERO experience in creating friendships with men, except at work, and school. I don’t know how to ‘date’. That said, I have been trying to set up my online profiles again. but i’m not happy with anything that I write. not completely anyway. lol 🙂
I am good at having crushes though. I think it’s also called ‘puppy love’. I was ashamed of myself for loving like that, and belittled myself AND my feelings. When I was in nursing school, the boy I had a crush on since we were 6 got married to someone, and when my dad told me about it, my heart shattered. But of course, nobody knew, except for me. There was a dear old man whom I trusted, (family friends from church) and I wrote to him about how bad I was feeling, even though it was just puppy love. He wrote back, and he said the best thing in the world: “It may have just been puppy love. But it was real to the puppy.” And that healed me in a way that nothing else could have. I can have a crush now, and know it’s real and not real at the same time. But everything has to start somewhere. And for me, it starts at the puppy level. Ideally, it has to grow up. But for that to happen, there needs to be a relationship that it can grow in.
so, I might end up loving a person who laughs too much at his own jokes. But not a person who mocks others. Mocking is cruel. It’s devaluing a person. or their beliefs. or what is important to them. if we were friends, i’d point it out, and perhaps they’d change, because maybe they didn’t see it as ‘mocking’. but you can’t give such kinds of feedback to people you don’t have a relationship with. That’s just picking a fight.
I was telling my daughter how it seems to me that there’s two kinds of relationships – one that grows from the inside out – where you feel a connection first, and then learn about each other a bit at time, and the whole thing feels very peaceful. The other starts out the outside and may or may not go in any deeper. She’s made a new friend at school, and about a half hour after our conversation, she said to me: I think he’s an inside friend. Inside friends are rare. One of the younger employees was the same – he and I connected so deeply. It wasn’t a crush situation there, because he’s the same age as my son. Everyone loved him too, but he connected with me differently. We just loved being in the same space together. lol 🙂
Anyway… I haven’t been walking like I wanted to, because I threw my hip joint out, and I don’t know how. I’m going to walk on it today anyway, and see what happens. going from sitting to standing is very painful! I still don’t have my car and the mechanic won’t answer my phone calls and i’m losing my patience with him as well.
