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i have definitely considered it. I was going to send him a post card from our weekend vacation trip from his favorite gift store! But, i’ll wait till Christmas now. Unless i can think of something else to celebrate between now and Christmas!
I also don’t want to do too much to might increase the feeling of romance!!! not yet anyways. lol 😀
~ vino
Today’s email from James Bauer had a very interesting tip in it:
BeIrresistible.com Quick Tip Of The Day
Build His Interest Through “Courtship”
A long, slow, getting-to-know-you period used to be the way that people got together.But “modern life” got faster and faster over the past century or so. And dating and courtship followed suit.
People met. They connected. They hooked up. Often in a very short amount of time.
In part because social expectations keep shifting.
But there is a lot of value to really getting to know a man before diving into the romance of a relationship.
How?
Before you start “dating,” chat. Text. Talk on the phone. Write letters.
Yes, that’s right — letters.
It may seem silly and antiquated. But limiting some of your early communications to sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings can really cement your connection.
Letters help to build anticipation for the moment when you finally do get together.
Try it. It’s fun.
– James Bauer
Hi Heidi!!
Trip got cut in short!!! Car started having problems 35 miles from home. And i exited onto a road that looked more like a foot path to a farm than an exit into town. That helped me take a look at things without the worry of traffic. WE found a garage just a mile and a half away. Went through one busy intersection that was slightly stressful. And made it to the garage without blowing up. Took a taxi home. So now, i’m without a car again! 🙁
Kids were good sports. I’m still dazed. Waiting till tomorrow to find out what to do with the car. It’s still under warranty from the 3 months they had it, to fix the transmission! It’s more transmission problems now. The mechanic whose shop we found, is SUCH a good man!!! He ran a check on my transmission. Looked under the hood to see if it was a simple enough fix. Then, the hood wouldn’t close and he fixed it – took him 20 seconds and he said the guys who worked on my car for 3 months, should’ve fixed it, and he wasn’t happy with them for missing a simple detail like that. That hood clasp… it ruined one of my trips, although it had nothing to do with the transmission or any running part! It kept showing up on the dashboard as unlocked and i stopped several times, to try and close it, although it looked closed to me. I wasn’t too confident to drive fast because i was afraid it would blow open in front of my face if i went too fast. And this nice guy, fixed it in 20 seconds.
Anyway. Kids all dispersed in the evening and i was alone again, to enjoy my space. JB called and asked me for details about the trip, so we chatted for a long while. I honestly, have never spent so much time on the phone with anyone! i hate phones and i always run out of things to talk about! It wasn’t a crazy wild conversation. We talked about a lot of things. We uncovered more ways in which we think alike. And even do things alike, because of how we think alike. Like how we value people’s birthdays, so we send actual birthday cards and we take time personalizing the cards…! he’s more organized than i am though. I used to be. One of the things on my ‘vision board’ some time back, was to get back to doing the things i used to love doing – writing letters and sending cards was one of those things. Isn’t it far more exciting to get real mail than an email or an e-card??!!
JB spent the night at his office because his shift ended at midnight and his next shift began at 5am. i don’t understand how he does it. It took me a while to figure out what i was feeling while talking to him. I’m not sure when i last felt such a feeling. It felt comforting. Lately, so many things have been leaving me feeling agitated. Thinking about JB agitates me too, because i don’t want to feed my fantasies of him! So, i was pleasantly surprised to feel so much peace while talking to him.
Now, i have to figure out how to get to my BJJ classes. I can’t exactly afford a taxi every day, back and forth. 🙁
about chores – yes, we’re all responsible for common areas. I tend to do the deep cleaning though, and expect them to maintain stuff and clean up after themselves. If they’ve left some dishes or cups in random places, and i tell them to pick up, they don’t point at the rest of the house and tell me i have no right to tell them to pick up one item when i have a hundred things i haven’t put away yet. lol 🙂 they’re good kids. My daughter stays on top of the dishes, and she ran a load in the 24 hrs that she was here. i don’t nag them about their rooms. It’s their space and they’re responsible for it. Same with their laundry. No sympathy from me if they run out of clean underwear.
~ vino
Hi Heidi!
yeah – we’re going north – finger lakes. Might visit some friends i haven’t seen in a 100 yrs, if they’re available. If not, we’ll just hike around the lakes, do a boat tour if those are still happening, do some shopping if shops are open… and if we see anything else of interest, we’ll stay a bit longer and do whatever we want! No serious plans. 🙂
and – a very interesting thing happened this morning. i woke up with a serious knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. So, i wrote for a while. Then i listened to my daily podcast of Darren daily. I don’t listen to him every day, because, sometimes, i just get overwhelmed with all his good ideas, and i feel like it’s too much, or else i get really turned off by all the focus on success, and i get annoyed. Anyway. I’m glad i listened to today’s episode because it has turned something around in my mind. He talked about how, when we look at successful people, we only see the thing that they’re super good at. But the truth is, for every one thing they’re good at, they suck at 9 other things. They’ve just chosen to focus on the thing they want to be good at, and they’ve accepted that they’re going to suck at other things. He said we should focus on the thing we want to get good at, and not expect ourselves to be good at everything, and be willing to suck at some things.
So, for the first time, instead of thinking about what part of my life i want to improve (which is EVERYTHING!) – I asked myself “What do i not want to suck at?” Same thing, flip side!!! BUT A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE!!!! I realized, there’s many things that i want to get good at, that i wouldn’t mind if i didn’t become truly good at! However, THERE ARE THINGS that i don’t want to suck at!!! And one of those things is keeping my house clean! It’s the basics. I’ve always hated cooking and cleaning. BUT, i’ve never, ever, been able to delegate those tasks to someone else. Not even the kids. Last week, i even thought of hiring my coworkers for various things that they’re good at! Like my friend who loves to cook so much that her idea of fun is cooking! I wondered if she’d be willing to cook for me and i’ll pay her something every week. (yeah, making plans of how to spend money, before i’ve started to earn! lol 😀 )
At any rate… it was a very serious idea, and i really thought i should be able to employ the strengths of my friends, so i can focus on ‘making money’. So then… i had to clean up the rest of the bathroom, because i picked up my daughter and her friend, and it’s too embarrassing to have a dirty bathroom when you have a guest. BUT, as i cleaned, i began to feel it – i feel it every single time – the deep satisfaction that gets me obsessed with something! In truth, I LOVE Cleaning! But there’s always ‘more important’ stuff to do, so cleaning falls by the wayside. till it’s too much. Or till I have to clean for a guest. So, as i cleaned, i asked myself – Do i want to suck at cleaning? and my entire being shrieked a really loud NO!
I don’t like other people touching my stuff. I don’t like other people cooking my food. I don’t like other people arranging my papers. I don’t like other people in my personal space! And yet, my personal space is the first to go, because of more ‘important’ stuff. This is how i’ve been neglecting myself. This is why i keep feeling like i’m not home yet!!
i have no idea how this is going to help me make money at any point, but for now, i know what i need to focus on. My personal space. THIS is something i do NOT want to suck at!
~ vino
Hi Heidi!
One breath at a time is right!!!
i did get to the bottom of ‘feeling like a burden’!!! in talking to another friend, who was also stressed out about all the stuff he’s dealing with… i realized there’s a long list of details that have been adding up for me in the background. And suddenly, i saw those things as BURDENS and i understood why i was feeling like a burden! My own weight had increased because of MY burdens. So I was feeling like a burden myself! lol 🙂
now i know – if i’m feeling like a burden, it simply means I AM burdened! SO… I’ve been working on attacking some of those details. My drivers’ license is expired. because of covid. lol 🙂 I couldn’t get it renewed at the kiosk (which i didn’t know they’d set up!) they weren’t answering phone calls! so i made an eye appointment.
I’m also taking the kids on a trip 4 hrs north. I randomly threw it out, wasn’t expecting them to even say yes, but they said more than yes, they were actually excited! So, i’m working on making a good trip for them and myself.
~ vino
Hi Heidi!
Yes, i enjoyed a good soak last night! I’m so overwhelmed today, so i’m glad i did that yesterday!!!
I know JB’s freedom isn’t my responsibility. Also, at this point, we’re not even in a relationship, so that’s not a question to address at all. So, i know i’m completely projecting. But, the only place i know where to start from, is my own experience, and then find out if it’s also true of the other person. For instance, when i was writing every day (yes, every single day!) – to that monk friend of mine, every once in a while, i’d feel this intense sense that i was being a burden to him. So, i’d ask him if i was being a burden, and he’d have to reassure me that i wasn’t, and then, i’d feel free to write to him again. I cannot impose on others. That’s inconsiderate. I also know, that out of politeness or kindness, it’s uncomfortable to tell someone that they are imposing on you, so people suffer in silence, till they can’t bear it anymore, and then they start to distance themselves from you when the discomfort is too great.
So, I make allowance for that when i’m interacting with others. If i have to call them, i ask them if it’s a good time to talk, etc. I don’t bring up topics that i know they can’t talk about, so i don’t stress them out, and cause conflict for no reason. When someone brings up topics i don’t want to talk about, i politely listen for a bit and then excuse myself. I avoid sharing my opinions, because i know they can’t deal with it. It’s only with someone that i have a solid foundational relationship with, that i can freely talk about my deepest feelings, and i know we can disagree and still keep loving each other. Like my monk friend & I – we disagree on medicine. And we’ve had some really heated discussions, and neither one of us would budge from our own conclusions. I actually found it to be quite refreshing, to find a place of disagreement with him, after he’d been so extremely receptive towards me in every other way! But, he had laid a strong foundation, and he knew i trusted him fully, and he was free to express his opinions and know i wouldn’t freak out. For me, i already knew he could handle anything i tossed at him, so it was easy for me to be free with him. But such relationships are so, extremely rare!
Whoever i end up in a relationship with, i want it to be that rare kind of relationship! But it won’t happen if i’m inconsiderate. IF (MAJOR IF) – JB & i ever meet and decide to test out a relationship – i will HAVE to bring up my thoughts and feelings about Freedom, because it’s an issue for me, and i’d have to know how much of an issue it is for him. I would never get into a relationship with a man who made me feel like he was curbing my freedom (unless i was getting something else in return that eclipses the loss of freedom!) For instance, one of the men i talked to for a bit, online, (I’ve closed all my accounts, btw. i can’t deal with it anymore) – anyway – he complained about things like he was a teenager. I understood his loneliness. But when he said he was bored?! i couldn’t take it. BORED?!!! how does an adult get bored?! I mean… look around… there’s endless things to get into as an adult, nobody to answer to, nobody to ask permission of, read a book, join a class, take a drive, learn to knit…. or else get to work, make more money, clean up your house! Is there even TIME to be bored??!! So, i gave him a piece of my mind, told him to grow up and blocked him.
If he came to you for advice after that, what would you say to him??!! If he told you that i didn’t have the patience to listen to him and wasn’t even trying to be understanding, wouldn’t that be true from his point of view? It wouldn’t be helpful to him, if you tore him down too. You’d have to find the good in him so he won’t vanish into the abyss of depression that he caused for himself. You would’ve had to tell him, he should be glad i blocked him because he doesn’t need my judgmental negativity in his life, and that he should just focus on his own healing and just be who he is. (sorry, for putting words in your mouth… projecting again).
With JB, since i don’t want to push him out of my life like that, I am focusing on the good in him myself. But, i want to do that, without losing myself or neglecting my own needs. So, today, since i was feeling like a complete and utter burden, i asked JB if i was. Just like i used to ask my monk friend. I told him, i sometimes feel things that i don’t know if they’re real or not, but they sure are strong. So i needed reassurance that i wasn’t being a burden whenever i email endlessly about things i’ve learned or discovered or whatever else it may be. He assured me i wasn’t a burden. And that’s all for today. I don’t feel the need to talk to him about anything else. Nor do i have the energy to ask him curious questions. I’m overwhelmed with a whole bunch of other stuff, and i need a lot of space right now.
~ vino
I’ll respond to the work related questions you brought up later. I have to focus on making space in my house today! ugh. i feel sick to my stomach!
~ vino
I’m glad i listed a few things i’m ashamed of! I gave my tub a thorough scrub and it’s ready for me to soak in tonight, after my BJJ class!!! 🙂
And i’ve found another thought to help me disconnect from JB. In writing down how much i value my freedom, i realized that a relationship with JB, or any man, for that matter, will actually increase my sense of freedom. I would have someone to go on adventures with! I’m an introvert and as much as i like adventures, i feel safer adventuring with others than i do alone. I did a bit of adventuring when i was in nursing school, and for a year or two after that, before i got married… but it was never fun on my own. I was less afraid to try something new, go someplace unknown, and even do something unsafe, IF there was another person with me, regardless of if that person was capable of keeping me safe or not!
One of my favorite trips to some touristy areas in Ethiopia, was with a group of college students. We had no agenda. We just went with the flow. I was the unofficial guide because i knew the language. But i had never been in these places, and had no idea what to expect, what was safe and what wasn’t. We found ourselves at an airport that was too far from town. And there were no taxis into town. The local folks told us we’d either have to walk, or jump onto anything that had wheels. There was a truck moving in the direction of town and everybody was hoping onto it, and pulling others up. The truck didn’t stop. I was the shortest amongst the 5 of us, and the least athletic. But i got pulled up into the truck somehow! lol 🙂 many more crazy things happened on that trip. But, what i enjoyed the most was… the utter, and total freedom! It didn’t matter what happened to us. We figured out a way to enjoy all of it.
I won’t be able to do that again, because i have to remember to keep myself at least partially alive for the kids, in case they still need me. However, if i have someone to travel with me… I’ll feel more free. It magnifies the good things, when you can share it with each other. You can laugh about the things that happen, without having to say a word, because sometimes, words don’t capture it all. Just like taking a picture of the sunset, doesn’t do justice to the sunset. Some things, Have to be enjoyed WITHOUT words! Just shared in silence. That’s why i need someone to travel with.
But, the thing that increases my freedom, is also the same thing that would reduce the freedom of someone like JB who has traveled the world on his own. He’s been able to just hop into his car and drive, whenever he wanted to, because he’s free to. To travel with someone else, would slow him down a bit, or a lot. Watching out for someone else, can add a bit of weight to a carefree life. Just as my kids added weight to mine. My quest for freedom, shouldn’t cost someone else theirs. I have no idea what JB’s quest is. If it’s freedom, then i’d be in the way. If it’s to slow down, then i wouldn’t be in the way.
At any rate, i can’t ask anyone for what they are either unable or unwilling to offer. So, i’m refocusing on what i have to do to increase my own freedom, as much as i can on my own. I’ll just have to make sure that i do not to take away JB’s freedom, just to increase my own. That’s unconscionable.
~ vino
Hi Kanya….
I only said Heidi’s assessment was something i hadn’t considered before. There may be some truth to it. But, i’m not sure how to suss out that truth, while JB is still a part of my life?
The way i’m trying to figure it out, is by looking for things that i KNOW JB is distracting me from. Then, i’ll be able to dig deeper and figure out if he’s also keeping me from missing my kids, or if that has nothing to do with him. Does that make sense?
To be honest, i am getting more and more confused. You see, i’m trying to find a way to become financially independent. I’m also trying to figure out what ‘my heart’ is leading me to. I don’t want to work a minimum wage job anymore, because it doesn’t give me the freedom to flex my true gifts, whatever they may be. I just know, that all my previous jobs have held me back. The actual work that i performed, can be performed by anyone fresh out of highschool. And yet, the value that i brought with me, because of who i am, and what i’m capable of offering to my coworkers and also my clients, was worth a ton more than minimum wage. So, i’m trying to find something where this Value of mine will be financially rewarded. And i honestly don’t have a clue where to start.
If i keep ‘following my heart’ – i will be currently indulging in my desires to catch up on some history that i was never interested in studying while in school! This isn’t going to help me with finances! And yet… my heart is full of holes, and this is one of them! I need to know, every side to a story! I have considered applying for a job at a store, so i’m not fully relying on my savings, while i’m trying to figure out my future… but i just look at the amount of time that will take away from my day, and i sense a lot of resistance to the idea.
What DO i fill up my day with? This is embarrassing. I am Unable to fill my day with anything productive! I haven’t finished unpacking. I don’t have my meals in order. And it’s been a few weeks since i’ve had a good soak in the tub because i haven’t made time to clean the tub. The only thing i’ve done for myself recently is joining that BJJ class. And JB is not distracting me from this, because, i’m not texting him every minute of the day, nor is my mind as filled up with thoughts of him as it used to be. He IS always in the back of my mind, and i DO find a lot of things to share with him. So, he might be distracting me from focusing on myself, but i’m not sure to what extent.
Also – JB isn’t the only one whom i’ve been writing to – i was catching up with a friend in PA and we messaged back and forth for 3 hrs! Till 2am!!! because there’s so much going on around us that’s bringing out all the stuff we normally keep stuffed! Last week, i spent hours with a friend in TX whom i haven’t seen for a while. So, it seems to me, that all my relationships, past and present, are taking priority, in a natural way. Simply because of things that are going on around us. This is adding to my confusion, to be honest. I value my relationships so much! But that’s not where my financial security lies!
If i had all the money in the world, and didn’t have to think about financial security, i’d be happy supporting all my friends in whatever way they need. For myself, i want to create a home, that is like a safe haven, for all my friends and anyone else who needs a place to escape to. I’ve no idea how to make money from this! Nor do i have the slightest clue what i should do, in order to fund this desire!
Anyway – when you mentioned that grief and grieving that is natural in transitions from one stage of life to another, i honed in on that and looked to see if i’ve ever experienced such grief in relation to my kids. i haven’t experienced it in the past, because i was always more focused on the freedoms that each transition brought into my life. So, it’s unlikely that i need to grieve their absence currently.
i am probably the most selfish person on the planet. My grief is usually tied to things that have to do with me on a personal level – so i’d be sad and upset about my own dreams and desires being shattered. But, i have no dreams and desires for my kids other than that my relationship with them to be strong enough to withstand differences. I don’t ever want to give them a reason to stop trusting me, and i don’t ever want them to doubt that i love them. I am the only one that can destroy this desire that i have for my children.
~ vino
Hi Kanya!
Perhaps i’m weird. I’ve never grieved the transition stages. I’ve only feared them. I don’t miss the days the children were little and cute. I enjoyed those days, but i also remember how much work it was. I was very happy when they got old enough to take care of themselves. My stress levels dropped. Elementary school brought a different kind of stress. But it was also full of joys of watching the kids grow and get better at school stuff. i didn’t grieve their transition to high school. I remembered the stress of having to help them get dressed and ready on time. in high school, i just had to wait in the car, and they took care of everything else! The kind of stress changed. I don’t miss dressing and feeding them!
Out of high school – community college isn’t that different, because they’re still living at home – but again – the stress is less, because they take themselves to school! I only have to feed them at home! And if i don’t, they know how to go out and buy themselves some food, or they can cook a little bit. Again, less stress for me! More freedom!
I’ve always enjoyed privacy and my own space. It’s been 22 or so years since i’ve had a vacation, in which i didn’t have to think about anyone BUT myself! Sure, i miss our interactions, because they were fun. BUT.. i’ve longed for my freedom from the time i was a child! Growing up, you have to please your parents and make sure you don’t ruin their reputation. Get married, and your decisions should always consider your spouse, if you want a healthy relationship. Have kids, and your life is over, till they can stand on their own. The greater their needs, the longer it takes for them to be on their own! Finally now… at 48… i am free to think about ME! There’s nothing to grieve here!!! 😉
Am i in denial? i don’t think so. Each day, i seriously observe the things i do because i don’t have to think about the kids, and i rejoice in my freedom! I honestly believe i was never meant to be a mother. I have never been able to identify with any of the motherly feelings that other mothers express. I identify with the stresses. But that’s about it.
I have always had fears related to the kids – for their safety, for their happiness, etc. But, as they get older, it’s less and less in my power to protect them and provide for them! What’s not in my power, isn’t my stress to bear! Does that make sense? I just never know what to say to people who assume i’m going through ’empty nest syndrome’! i am totally NOT! Do you know how liberating it is to not have to think about cooking what someone else wants to eat as opposed to eating whatever i want, whenever i want?! omg!!! that alone, is worth their moving out of my life!! lol 😉
~ vino
Heidi! I’m always thinking of people in terms of trees! lol 😀 and other plants in general! I was thinking, JB is like the gnarly misshapen tree that grows on the side of a mountain, under very difficult circumstances, but it won’t let go. So it digs its roots in deep, but it can never loose it’s grip on it’s lifeline, because it’s just too dangerous. I don’t know what his life lines are. One is his faith. One could be his job!!!
I am like a bonsai tree. great potential, but stunted growth, because my roots keep getting cut off. lol 😀 The day you wrote the above message, i was actually feeling like a spineless vine and wondering what tree I should throw myself on, so i don’t get trampled on the ground! lol 😀
I never considered the fact that JB’s company is keeping me from missing the kids!!! You’re right about the web! My son was actually with me yesterday. But i was busy texting JB. My son was on his phone with his own friends! We went shopping a bit, and we had dinner together, but, our interaction was minimal. We didn’t even watch a show together.
But, JB and i were in the middle of a phenomenal conversation! I even brought up something that happened back in the end of February/ beginning of March – that had gotten me super mad at him and he apologized for the things he said that had triggered my rage, although that wasn’t my intent in bringing it up.
oh, and you should also be really proud of me! In the course of the afternoon he also told me that he truly likes me. And i didn’t get all inflamed and excited as if he he’d proposed marriage! ROFL 😀 in fact, i took in stride as if i expected it and a part of me said to me: Well, of course! It’s not like he’s got a reason to Not like me! haha 🙂 And today, i barely talked to him. i needed a bit of distance. to process yesterday’s lovely exchanges. And to take care of myself!
I went to my BJJ class this morning, and spent 2 hrs practicing with my fellow schoolmates. Learning from the other men there, as our teacher couldn’t come, so we were just practicing. You know how good it feels to get complimented by a man??!!! omg!!! i’ve been told i’m strong. I’ve been told i learn fast. And i can’t get over the look of approval i get whenever i do something well! This stuff is so addicting! I especially like being told i’m strong. I don’t know why that makes me feel real good. I’ve always been physically stronger, than most girls i grew up with. When my sister and i got into fights, i could always beat her up. I was physical, she was verbal. But, i couldn’t hurt her as much as i wanted to, because it wasn’t worth it to get in trouble with dad & mom, so i always held back. Nursing school was the next place where my physical strength got to shine. I was capable of physical work and carrying bucket loads of water, which i’d never done in all my life, and i could easily keep up with the girls who’d done it all their lives. None of them expected me to be able (or willing) to do any physical work. But, i never got into fights with anyone, they were all verbal fighters, i was still physical, and i knew instinctively that i could hurt them if my rage came out. Now i can test my strength against others who are stronger than me and i don’t have to worry about hurting them!!! IT’s a totally new feeling and i’m still figuring it out. I can feel myself still holding back… but hopefully, it will all work it’s way out in a few months!
I’m glad i found a BJJ class first, before a dance class!! Why is it soooo… idk… there’s something that feels good about wrestling with another person’s body! I was out of breath, i sweated buckets for the first time in my life, but i was exhilarated in a way i’ve never been! i wished i knew all the techniques already so i could really, truly test myself on them!
~ vino
I’ve been waking up with a great deal of anxiety the last few days. It was very upsetting for me when i got a message from JB a few days back, about 4 hrs into his 12 1/2 hr shift overnight – that he was starving, but was afraid to get something to eat (because people have decided it’s ok to poison cops now!). This is just so wrong! How does anybody expect to reform the cops while abusing them at the same time??!!!
Anyway. I’ve discovered a way to ground myself with my writing. And today, my writing led me down a new thought. Whenever i’ve been having excessive thoughts about JB and things i want to tell him, but there’s no need to tell him any of it, i’ve been writing down all those thoughts and feelings, as a way of getting them out of my system. I use a notebook. Having to write things down, makes me think about whether i truly mean it or not. Sometimes, i just write what i’m feeling, without testing it’s validity, and when it’s all laid out in front of me i can see what it truly looks like and it helps me get a grip.
So, today – i couldn’t get JB out of my mind again. And so i wrote to him in my notebook. Then, i told him, it really makes no sense to me anymore, because i haven’t seen my kids for 3 weeks but they don’t fill my mind like he does! My mind grabbed a hold of that thought and explored it further – why wasn’t i missing the kids? Why wasn’t i filled with the feeling of their presence? Why did i feel distant from them, simply because they were out of sight? All this, in spite of knowing them and being connected to them deeply! and yet… physical distance and the length of time we haven’t seen each other… has weakened my sense of their presence around me!
That led me to the next logical question – When my mind is full of JB and i think i ‘feel his presence’ – what EXACTLY am i feeling??!!! When we talk on the phone, there’s an actual connection, because i can hear his voice. When we’re writing stuff to each other, there is a connection with what we’re discussing. BUT – what of all the times in between??!!! I shouldn’t be feeling his presence at all, because i don’t even know what his presence feels like! I’ve never been in his presence like i’ve been in the presence of my kids!!!
I’ve known this on a theoretical level from the start, but it was only today that it finally hit home. What i’m feeling as ‘his presence’ is my own imagination, and not his true presence. If the strength of the presence of my children can weaken, then i should have no sense of his presence AT ALL! I hope we meet soon, so his real presence can cut away the fantasy presence i’ve created in my mind!
Well… just knowing that 99.99% of what i experience as his presence is imaginary, has seemed to weaken it’s hold on me to some degree already! Those urges to write to him… they were urges directed towards the imaginary presence, not to the real JB! Now, i’d feel like an idiot writing that way again! lol 😀
~ vino
Hi Kanya!
Yes, it’s been a very tumultuous time! Add to all the changes… how we’re all growing and changing ourselves, it’s a wonder any of us are still sane! lol 🙂
For me, i have found it to be very helpful to ask questions. Yesterday, i was ‘feeling bad’ and ‘sick to the stomach’. I tried to pin it on something external. There is political trouble where my mom, and the rest of my immediate family lives. The general air of volatility has affected the whole world. There are riots and protests there, and 7 people died in the first day, and the government shut off internet access. I WAS able to call mom on her phone. She is well. But my brother was at the garage when a group of rioters went by. He, along with other customers and the employees, got indoors and kept safe. However, all the cars in the lot got damaged, including my brother’s car, which he’d just purchased a few weeks ago, after having saved up for it for YEARS. It has got down to basics now. We’re all simply glad to be alive!
My sick feeling intensified throughout the day, and i went to my BJJ class 45 min early because i was afraid that if i waited for the right time, i would feel too sick to go. i experienced an interesting thing during class. I was forced to pay attention because it was physical. My mind couldn’t wander. For a little over an hour, my mind was free of what’s going on in the world, and focused on my body and the bodies of those around me. I only experienced the energies of those in that room, and no one else. And I became GROUNDED! All of my bad feelings disappeared, and i hadn’t had a chance to ‘talk about it’!!!! That has opened the door to a whole new world to me! A world, that more men are a part of. A world that is fast disappearing, because we’re so disconnected from our bodies! And a whole new idea – that perhaps – some things can be solved without having to get talked about!!!! So much to ponder!
When i got home after class, i tried to figure out why i had started to feel sick in the first place. All day, i had felt like i needed attention. Since i’ve learned that i’m the primary provider for my own needs, i tried to understand in what way i had not been paying attention to myself. I’m not completely sure about it, but one thing was that i was starting to spread myself too thin. I’ve been writing a lot more in my facebook page and also groups i’m a part of, quick to share the things i’m learning or have learned. And people have been incredibly receptive to what i say, and full of praise for the way i word things and for the encouragement that they’re finding in my words. Yesterday – i felt like i needed to keep coming up with something encouraging to say, and actively looked for something to say. However, i share best from a place of fullness. And i need to refill between one sharing and another. So before bed last night, i decided i would focus on refilling myself.
I was going to spend my entire day today, taking care of my physical needs, starting with unpacking my boxes from my move back in October!!! My mattress is still on the floor, because i haven’t set up my bed!!! There’s no room to set up my bed because there’s unpacked boxes taking up space!!! So basic! and i haven’t attended to it!! And i’m the only one who CAN attend to it!!
So, i broke my daily schedule, and slept till i naturally woke up – which turned out to be 8:30 am instead of 5:30 am!!! Then, i ate. And went to church. I skipped my walk because it was too warm to walk. I sat in church and took a look at my thoughts. Naturally, there were many thoughts about JB. I felt ashamed, that when there are so many people suffering and dying all over the world, my major concern is JB! since i have disconnected myself from the clock for today, i stayed in church for a long time. I got to hear the bells at noon! I absolutely LOVE the sound of church bells!!! By the time i left, i had another thought to grapple with. It was a thought that had planted itself in my from a video i watched by this lady called ‘Teal Swan’. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX8rAd4eeYI
It’s a long video, and i may or may not have understood all that she said. The way it settled in my mind, is from one of the examples that she gave – “if you break your bone – there is only one desire in your mind – for the pain to stop. And that desire will not go away till it is satisfied. Once it is satisfied, the desire will change. You cannot change the desire, till it is satisfied.” – that was my takeaway from her video. So, i examined my desires. I only have one, that has never been satisfied, and all other desires pale in comparison. The desire to belong to a man, to be able to love him endlessly and loved in return. But, how is that like a broken bone?? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to belong to another and to want to love and be loved, is there? So, until today, i felt like Swan’s ideas were for other people, not for me, because my desire isn’t the same as a wound.
BUT – today – i saw the wound behind my desire! Every year that my desire wasn’t satisfied, it added on a layer of pain and sadness and hopelessness and dejection. I am now 48 years old. There are many layers of pain surrounding my desire! The desire itself, is not a wound. But it is submerged in a very deep wound. That wound needs to heal! It’s too big for any man to heal!!! Even if he was perfect in every way! A man can only satisfy the original desire, minus all the pain from the wound! But, the pain is so closely attached to the desire, that the desire itself seems to be larger than it truly is!!! So – once the pain of my wound is gone – my desire will change! I have no clue, how it will change! To this day, i didn’t want it to change, because i thought that wanting my desire to change would be like admitting that my desire was somehow wrong!! And i couldn’t accept that such a desire could be wrong!
I have to listen to Swan’s video again to understand why she feels desires can’t be healed. I have come to the conclusion that WOUNDS and DESIRES are related but are not the same. A DESIRE can point you in the direction of a WOUND though. And WOUNDS can be healed! DESIRES need to be satisfied. However, if there is no wound surrounding the desire, you won’t feel like you’re going to die or explode, if the desire isn’t satisfied!!! That’s my take on it. What are your thoughts?
my current mission is to find healing for the wound surrounding my desire to belong to a man, and NORMALIZE the depth of that desire, so i won’t go belly up if that desire isn’t satisfied. lol 🙂
~ vino
other than that… i’m overwhelmed with all the stuff i need to put in order in my own life, and be ready to get in my car and flee, if things get bad in my neighborhood! i haven’t even finished unpacking from my move in October!
you know… i should never have been on a dating site last year!!! i had just moved in October!!! i started writing to JB in November!! omg! i was out of my mind!
End of November, we were told our store was going out of business.. then 2020 happened… lol 😀
~ vino
Hi Heidi!
i understand that you’re not trying to put a negative spin on JB. I understand too, that all the things i’m learning from my connection with him, have nothing to truly do with him… but my reactions to my interactions with him. So, his role in my life, at the moment, is very passive, but powerful. Because, as you say, he does fill my thoughts a lot.
i did experience the ‘break up’ effects in April – and it was devastating. So, extremely painful. So, i completely understand what you mean by the heart not being slow, even if everything else is slow. And i also see that i’m blocking out the negatives of the slowness, to focus on the good that has come out of it (and continues to come out of it).
This is a powerful statement: You haven’t even begun to experience the full impact of how he protects himself.
i won’t know this till we meet in person, if we ever do! Till then, i only have his words. and the chances of actually meeting him – wow. They keep getting slimmer and slimmer! He didn’t have much of an excuse when we first started writing to each other. But this year – starting from January – his mom was really sick in January, she died in February, Covid in March – May, riots in June. NYPD under siege. He told me yesterday that he feels like he’s on a sinking ship. He has been in NYPD for 29 yrs. He has 6 yrs to retire. But… does he have 6 yrs anymore?! Over 200 NYPD officers have resigned. He’s a lieutenant and most of his work has been in an office, till now. Two weeks ago he was on the streets for several days doing 14 hr shifts. This Friday, he’s going to be on the streets again, on a 12 hr shift overnight.
He was stressed and worried about his health in ApriL!!!! Looking back, April was a walk in the park! How long is he even going to be alive??!!!! i never thought about that, back in April!
i read something else too, just yesterday – in the Irresistible Insight section – about ‘manopause’. There’s a lot in there that describes him too! Even without all the external upheaval, his body is changing too. And apparently, it’s a very unhappy time for men. Plus, isn’t their career a very defining part of who they are too? Everything he has invested himself in is under attack, from the inside AND the outside! (Yes – i know – i’ve found more reasons to cut him some slack. lol 🙂 )
I’d like to think i’m not too deeply attached to him. But, you’re right… it’s hard not to get attached! lol 🙂 i’ll just have to decide if he’s worth the pain. right now, it feels like he is. Also… if he does stop writing now… the pain will be slightly different from what it was in April. In April, my self-worth vanished. But, i found the help that i needed to rebuild. The foundation is much stronger now. That part won’t be affected, because, i know, no matter how much pain i go through, it isn’t because i’m unworthy or undeserving of good things! it’s because pain happens!
Hi Kanya! yes, what you’re saying does make sense.
I do see, that i am able to learn from any situation. I think, i also value myself enough to stay out of situations that ONLY Provide lessons, and nothing else! Like my marriage! lol 🙂 With JB, it was harder to find that place, because i’m getting something from him, that i haven’t gotten from other men.
There’s one thing that i read somewhere though, that struck a deep chord within me, and my plan is to use that as a guide. The gist of it was: at the end of the day, you want to feel like you are cherished.
I really liked the sound of that! i have no idea what it means, because i haven’t felt it! But, i believe it means, you just have this sense and deep knowing, that you mean a lot to the other person. a Knowing so deep, that the little things that flare up and get us annoyed at each other, drop into that Knowing and fizzle out – like dropping matches into an ocean. I don’t know what i’m talking about, and this is all just in my head. lol 🙂
I think, till i get a chance to meet JB and get to know him, i need to get to know myself. So far, i’ve learned that, i cannot date multiple men at once. I can’t even WRITE to multiple men at once! it just feels so… well… it feels like it splits me into too many small pieces. I feel like i need to be in one piece, so i can experience each connection to the fullest. And for that to happen, i can only focus on one person at a time. So, the frustrating thing about JB is the slowness – and the decision i need to make is – how much time am i willing to put into this?
I don’t have a definite time frame. But i do have a vague one. When i moved into this apartment, i only planned for two years. I don’t want to live in NY. There’s so many other places in the country that i want to experience!!! My reasons for staying here, was for the kids – who are both in the local community college. This fall, my son is going to a college that’s 3 hrs away. My daughter has one more year and she has been looking at other places as well. I can choose to live nearer to one or the other of them, depending on which one seems to need me more. OR!!! I could just do my own thing and cut them loose completely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, my timeline for being in close proximity to JB is – till the end of next summer. However, the world as we know, is no longer the world we knew last year!!! AND, i started this BJJ class, and i truly, truly love it!!! and the people in it! Even after just my second class yesterday, i found a thought in my head – ‘will i find another group like this to be a part of, when i move?’ And right now, i don’t want to think about moving. I want to be with this group of people… for quite a while! So, my timeline of leaving NY by the end of next summer…. has already begun to weaken! I don’t know how i’ll decide next year. I just know, that all of a sudden, i am open to staying in NY for a longer period of time.
Anyway… there’s a lot of things playing into all my decisions and i’m making sure they do not involve JB, because i need to make decisions for my own life and keep moving! If he wants to be a part of my life, he has to make that clear. I know i’m worth more than a casual relationship.
~ vino
