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Hi Heidi!
Great questions! The one about how i have forgiven men more than women, has been an interesting one to me. I got a clue when i was with my psychiatrist. My earliest physical/sexual abuse was by females. After much research, she found just ONE book that specifically focused on children being sexually abused by women. Interestingly, there are some very foundational differences in the wounds formed by Female sexual abuse, vs Male Sexual abuse! something that hasn’t been studied in depth, because of this really idiotic idea that women can’t possibly sexually abuse children! The book is actually a collection of the stories of those who were abused by women, put together by a woman who was also abused by women – who wasn’t able to get the specific help that she needed.
From reading the stories – an interesting thing popped up for me – 1 – my wounds were more identical to the wounds of these women, than the wounds of those who were only abused by men. 2. both the men AND the women experienced a foundational inability to connect on an emotional level even with themselves.
Basically, it’s like your heart-knowledge is completely wiped out. You have no ability to sense the rightness and the wrongness of any situation, so you rely entirely on head knowledge to help you make a decision and you NEVER EVER know if you’ve done the right thing or not. Because – even if you’ve done it right – you can’t feel it. You are able to “SEE” the results – but if they shift even by an inch – it throws you off – you are unable to evaluate which part of your plan worked and which one didn’t – so you’re always evaluating EVERY SINGLE thing you do. This is all if you’re a conscientious person, and have a driving reason for wanting to do what is right. IF you don’t care, (which is the default place) – you’re pretty much a psychopath. There are zero feelings. There are zero abilities to understand the feelings of others. Nothing touches you. It’s like you don’t exist and nobody else exists either. Nothing is real.
The story of one of the women was very similar to mine. Her driving force to do what was right, was because she had a child. And she couldn’t tell if she loved her child or not, because she had zero feelings towards the baby – neither good nor bad. So – she was afraid that if she didn’t take care of the baby in the right way, she would abuse it. those were the EXACT SAME THOUGHTS i had with my kids! I was afraid i would LOOK at them the wrong way. I Wasn’t sure how to wash their little bodies without sexually abusing them. I sincerely thought that any kind of touching their private parts would be sexual abuse. So, every single time they needed a bath or a diaper change, was traumatic for me! On the flip side, i didn’t like being touched by them either. So breastfeeding was pure torture! But i felt obligated to breastfeed because ‘that’s healthier for the baby’ – so it was the ‘right’ choice to make, even though i HATED IT SO MUCH! I was able to feed my son for 9 months, but i wasn’t able to feed my daughter for more than 3. The stress dried me up. ‘Proving’ to me, that i hated my daughter!
I believe, the reason for the difference in wounds between those who are abused by women vs men – is because women are the primary source of nurture and relationships and emotional connections. As a girl, a woman is like an extension of yourself, whereas a man is ‘other’ and even without it being pointed out, you know you are different and therefore, you automatically accept differences in communication style and expressing oneself, etc etc. But you don’t expect that with a woman so you are blindsided when a woman abuses you. The betrayal is deeper. You are left with no one to bond with after that. When you are abused by a man, you can still bond with a woman. Even with boys, their first bond is with their mothers, not their fathers. So it destroys their ability to bond in the same way as it destroys a girl’s ability to bond. To add insult to injury, a boy’s sexual abuse at the hands of a woman, is never taken seriously. One boy was brave enough to speak to a therapist about it, and first off, the therapist thought he was making things up, and secondly, he was told that if it was truly happening, he should enjoy it because it would give him sexual experience!
So, for me – my first biggest battle was to get to the place where i could FEEL an emotional connection with my children and be able to freely hug them and allow them to hug me! I honestly didn’t exist on an emotional level! I was a person who couldn’t connect with ANYONE! Being at a place like that – it was easier to build relationships with men than with women, because of men’s ability to RESPECT. In almost every relationship course i’ve read in the past year or so, i’ve read that men require respect more than love, and women need love more. for the life of me that is a whole bunch of bs to me. How can you say you love someone, if you don’t respect them? Respect is foundational to love. You can respect a person, even if you don’t love them. You cannot love a person, if you don’t also respect them. I don’t understand why women don’t understand that! The respect that i have been shown by men, whether friends or co-workers or even strangers – THAT is what has made it easier for me to trust a man. A woman searches for an emotional connection when forming a relationship. I do not have emotional connectors available, so women don’t know how to relate to me.
My friend Reeta, was the FIRST female to make any attempt at connecting with me. There were SO MANY TIMES, when she’d make strange comments like – ‘I feel like i cannot reach your heart’ and i had ZERO understanding of what she said. And yet, i was sure i loved her deeply. I was willing to do ANYTHING for her. She knew it, but she couldn’t feel it. There were also many struggles she hid from me because she knew i’d immediately try to fix it and only make matters worse. I wouldn’t have understood her heart reasons for why some things should be addressed and others ignored. It was all black and white in my head. I didn’t even recognize the gray areas. When i eventually became aware of the gray areas, it tossed me into a sea of confusion, that sometimes i think i still haven’t gotten out of!
Lastly – the men who hurt me – tried to re-bridge the gap. the women did not. So, i’ve been valued more by men than by women.
I’ve come a long way. I can sense your respect for me. Therefore i am willing to listen to you. Currently, i’m at a place where i truly feel good about myself. I don’t need help with forgiveness or with anger right now. Also – i’m in no rush to get healed of all my wounds. Internal healing is the ONE thing that has been fully in my control. I open up when i need help, and search for the one thing i need that seems to throw light on my pain, and then i explore it on my own. I can only take small doses of help at a time. MOST times, i find all the help i need from a book or an article or a video online. I like exploring myself in my own way without the help of others. I like to share my findings because i find them interesting. But, i really need to be at a totally dead end before i ask for help. And i don’t see anything wrong with that. You see… when i get to that dead end place… i will trust you to such a degree that i won’t question anything you say. I will blindly do what you tell me, because i KNOW i need your help. But as i gain strength, if that strength in me is not recognized and respected, i will cut you out of my life. That’s what happened with the psychiatrist – and trust me she was ABSOLUTELY GOOD! and i would recommend her to anyone in a heartbeat! I would go back to her again myself, if i find myself in another dead end, because i sincerely respect her skills!
Last night, in BJJ class, my training partner who is 18, taller and has done other sport in highschool, commented on how strong my grips are. Our coach grinned and said it’s because i’m actually a savage on the inside and i simply throw people off with my fake external gentleness and softness. Hearing those words from him, filled me up in such a deep way. Not only that, i even found that it made me feel like i have a chance at beating a girl who is younger and more fit than i am, at least every once in a while! 🙂
On the flip side – when i was telling my mom about my son’s hospitalization and explaining to her what depression feels like, i had to tell her that i used to suffer depression too. And immediately, she saw me as frail and weak and showered me with concern and wondered if i was strong enough to deal with my son’s issues, and i told her to stop it. To be honest, it was repulsive. it was all i could do to continue treating her with respect! I told her this is why i never tell her anything. She has no respect for me! She has seen and experienced how i have changed and grown over the years and she has admired the solid relationship i have with my kids. And in one swell swoop, she forgot all of that hard work, and saw me as weak and frail because i was able to explain to her what depression truly feels like! i hate that! it grosses me out! I don’t need her sympathy or empathy or even her ‘love’ whatever that means! at times like that, the only thing that has any value is RESPECT! And she only knows how to respect men. Specifically – Dad.
i still have more reasons why i trust men more. but i think i’ll stop for now. 🙂
~ vino
Hi Kanya!
Yes, there is an anger in me. I don’t like my boundaries being violated. I don’t like being disrespected. And i don’t like being treated like i don’t matter. And there was a lot of that growing up, and throughout the marriage. I’ve had loads and loads and loads of bitterness that i’ve gotten rid of. One of the things that my mom noticed 10 yrs after my marriage, was that i was no longer and ‘angry person’. I had become approachable. And it took a lot more to trigger my anger. That was the effect the kids had on me – they are both super sensitive and they could pick up on the slightest differences in my tone of voice, and i didn’t want to communicate anger to them.
Vulnerability is a new thing with me as well. When i went to that therapist that i mentioned earlier, i wasn’t even aware of needing to be vulnerable. I thought it was understood that the reason you seek out a therapist is because you need support and new ideas, so i didn’t think that was something i needed to mention. I mean, if everything is fine, why go to a therapist or a support group?!
I don’t believe i am self-sufficient or wise. Quite the contrary. However, I don’t believe everyone else is strong enough or wise enough to provide me with the kind of support and wisdom that i need. So, for example, i would never seek support or wisdom from my mom, even though she is strong in her own ways and she does have wisdom that she has gathered over the years, when it comes to me, her connection is too emotional and that cripples her, making her unreliable. I went to a doctor for 3 yrs – a psychiatrist who did her own therapy, which was ideal for me. I was in a very weak place in my life, so i was physically vulnerable, which in turn allowed me to be mentally vulnerable. I knew i was in a super low place when i wasn’t able to keep my tears from forming in my eyes when i was meeting with her one day. I didn’t allow those tears to fall. I needed her at the time. So, when she also complimented me on my charts and my writings and other things i did to keep myself from getting so low that i needed to be hospitalized, i let it slide. However, when i got stronger, i noticed that she too was crossing emotional boundaries. She was talking to me more like a friend than a doctor.
There were several things that caused me to stop going to her. One day, she opened the session with sharing things that were causing HER to be tired! The two dogs she’d adopted that had kept her up all night. I would never talk about something personal on someone else’s paid time, even if they asked. Another time, i had been real upset about something and i had called my monk friend to talk to him about it, but he wasn’t available. She said i should’ve called her instead. It seemed to me, she couldn’t tell the difference between a friend and a therapist. When you need to talk to a friend, a therapist doesn’t fit the bill. Lastly, she said to me that the reason i had so many negative reactions to motherhood was because i hadn’t experienced POSITIVE motherhood, and that my negatives would go away if i experienced motherhood in a positive way. that totally freaked me out, because – although she didn’t say it – it sounded to me like she wanted to be my mother (I know – highly unlikely – however, the way she said it, combined with where i was at the moment, i couldn’t take it). Oh – she also called the X one day, to tell him how he shouldn’t be treating me, and that didn’t go over well. I had told her not to call him too, because i knew he wouldn’t listen to her. But she didn’t believe me. She thought she could make life a bit better for me, and she thought she had the ability to influence him.
In general, i am not capable of being vulnerable with women. I tend to try to get a feel for their emotional and mental strength first, before i feel like i can trust them. If i feel like they are weaker than me in any way, i can’t lean on them. I have no desire to change this part of me, even if it is wrong. I went against everything that was natural to me, and trusted one woman very deeply. She hurt me very deeply, by completely shutting me out, at a time that i needed her the most. She did it deliberately. She said so to the X. That she wasn’t able to deal with my pain. But she should’ve said it to me. She didn’t respect me enough to be honest with me and that was just — i don’t know. very dehumanizing? not worth being honest to — ?? devaluing?? I can totally understand not being able to listen to someone else’s pain and give them the kind of support that they need. She was on the counseling/debriefing team and she was assigned to help me and the X after our very traumatic end to our term. She was assigned to us because she knew us personally. She should’ve refused, so i could’ve been assigned to someone else and gotten the kind of support i needed. Anyway. thinking of her still makes me a bit angry. i had trusted her very deeply. She is a good woman. But i will never even see her as my friend.
~ vino
Hi Heidi!
yes, there’s always a part of me that has struggled to feel free. It is the expectations that i rebel against. Not necessarily the rules. If there’s an overlap of rules and expectations, then i need to know why. Because rules are there for a reason, and i always like to understand the logic behind them. Expectations usually have no good reason, and very little logic behind them. So i question everything that is illogical to me.
Like for instance – in nursing school – one of the things they did was open our mail before giving it to us. They wanted to discourage communication with boys because someone had gotten pregnant sometime. That was entirely illogical to me, because you can’t prevent a girl from meeting with a boy by reading the mail that she gets at the school address! Plus, they had no respect for our mail and there were times when my letters were ripped into and I was FURIOUS! My privacy had been breached AND they’d added insult to injury with their manhandling of my mail. So… when i found out that one of my teachers was a distant cousin and she was quite excited about that, i decided i would USE her, and asked if i could have my mail sent to her address. She was afraid she would get in trouble, but i told her, if we’re careful nobody would ever find out, and she agreed and she became my secret messenger. 🙂 I have a feeling there were some people who found out, but, nothing happened.
Anyway – by ‘unwise’ decision – i simply meant – not second guessing myself as much as i have in the past 20+ years. I’ve put aside too much stuff that sounds like ‘fun’ in exchange for being responsible. Every decision we make carries a consequence, even the wisest one don’t always go the way we want them to go. The mos foolish of all decisions i made, was the one in which i relied on the wisdom and knowledge of others. I asked them about the man i ended up marrying. He had written to me, and i asked them what they thought and how i should respond. I knew i was lacking in expertise and experience in the area of relationships with men. So, i valued the experience of others. Those women failed to ask me one important question – they didn’t ask me if i was attracted to him. I didn’t know the importance of attraction. I had zero attraction to him. So i went on the ‘fact’ that he was a good man. None of us could’ve known that he was only a good man in public. My lack of attraction toward him alone would’ve saved me! But the rule was that you don’t judge a book by the cover, that the inside matters more than the outside, etc etc.
Like you, when my sister said that it wasn’t possible to live when we were younger – it saddened me. That’s a very wrong story to live with! But that is the normal story that everyone lives with. That is why people have a hard time growing up. They think they are trading their ‘carefree days of youth’ for adulthood, which is synonymous with ‘death of fun’. Those are the kinds of things i rebel against, because they are WRONG! There is NO LOGICAL reason for why that has to be true! So i will not buy into it. On the flip side, it such a strong expectation that anyone who has fun in their adulthood is seen as being an irresponsible and immature person. those false ideas are the ones that i rebel against. however, i felt obligated to uphold them because i was a ‘mother’. And i felt i should be a good example for my kids, because i didn’t want them to rebel against the wrong things.
Just like it’s easy to confuse rules with expectations, it’s easy to confuse rebelliousness with freedom. It is entirely possible to be very free, and not break an actual rule. that’s how i see it. did i clarify my rebelliousness? 🙂
~ vino
Hi Heidi…
You know how, when your soul is searching for answers, it’s constantly on the lookout for clues in every thing that happens all around? Well… my sister called me a few nights back, and we had a good long chat. In the course of our conversation, she asked me how i was holding up, and i told her i was doing just fine, because i had decided to ‘disown’ my kids. lol 🙂 Of course, she knew i wasn’t abandoning them. But that launched us into an interesting discussion, of what i was doing to focus on myself and my own needs, and i told her i need to go on a road trip, with someone like my best friend from nursing school, and i told her of one of our most fun school trips. We had a million rules in nursing school, and although i am not a rule breaker, i always test the rules, and asked for permission to bend them. Since they had never been up against someone who questioned them, they didn’t know how to respond to me, plus, i had my “perfectly logical” reasons for why the rules didn’t apply to me, and more often than not, they bent the rules for me. I supposed it helped too, that I was solid on the rules that i didn’t mind submitting to. lol 🙂 Whatever the case – on the school trip, we were chaperoned, and we were all given a set amount of money to spend. The job of the chaperones was to go with us to wherever we wanted, not to tell us where to go. Most of the girls went shopping. But i wanted to go to the market to see if there was any kind of fun food there that was unique to the place. So, one chaperone was stuck with me and my friend, and she was exceedingly frustrated, because she wanted to go shopping with the other girls. She finally decided she could trust us to meet at the bus and she ran off. haha 😀 That’s all i needed to have my fun. Reeta & I found exotic fruits we’d never seen before. We asked the vendors what they were called, then bought some and didn’t know how to eat them, so we had to ask them to show us how. They laughed at us, but not in an unkind mocking way. They were amused. They cut the fruits for us. And we ate it right there, giving them feedback on our first time experiences and the folks from the other stalls got interested, shared their fruits with us. And some kids thought it was super amusing and brought us fruit from who knows were just to ask us if we knew what that was. WE entertained them and ourselves for a very long time, and we had the most fun ever! i think we finished all our money in that market. Although we got some free stuff too!
When i told my sister i want to be able to enjoy life like that again, she said it wasn’t possible because we’re no longer young and fancy free. Somehow, that sounded like a challenge to me! lol 😀 So, i’ve been trying to figure out how i was able to find ways to have so much fun, inspite of the fact that i had more restrictions in nursing school than i’ve ever had in my entire life. I shared with JB that i had taken on the challenge of living young and fancy free, but i had no idea where to start… and before i finished writing to him, i suddenly saw why i had so much fun! It’s because i wrote down: “Reeta was an excellent travel companion. She didn’t always think my ideas were wise, but she was always willing to go along with it, to see where it took us.” OMG! Ever since i became a ‘mother’ – i’ve been working super hard to make WISE decisions! And that is not my forte! Being DUMB is my forte! lol 😀
But also… i started to see that i don’t have ANY Of the restrictions now, that i did in nursing school. That’s the advantage of being an ADULT! I do have obligations and responsibilities though. But – it’s not hard to see those as the rules and restrictions that we need to live by. The fun isn’t in having no rules and restrictions, but in finding the spaces where there are no rules and go crazy there. ALSO – the rules and restrictions are just challenges – their purpose may be to take the fun out of our lives, and our purpose is to not let them! lol 😀 The greatest challenge lies in satisfying every damn rule and having the time of your life anyway! Maybe even WHILE you’re following the rules! That was another thing that rubbed our superiors in nursing school the wrong way. They had all these things we had to do, that the girls absolutely hated and tried to get out of. I turned them into a game and Reeta & I had fun DOING THEM! The lady in charge of our dorm, was sure we were up to something and kept and extra watchful eye on us to catch us breaking the rules, because, she couldn’t comprehend how we could be laughing so hard without breaking any rules. I know for a fact that she had other girls spy on us as well. We never got caught because there was nothing to catch. 😀
I need Reeta back in my life! lol 😀
I will rethink your suggestion to check out a support group. I have been to other support groups for other things before. But i have found the best support from people who know ME as opposed to people who only know one issue that i’m going through, that we happen to have in common. Like the divorce support group that i went to for a while – i found it useful for gathering knowledge of legal stuff – but not as helpful in personal matters. The only thing i had in common with the others was a divorce. And that wasn’t enough to connect me to them. I was able to impress them with stuff that i shared… but… when i ask for help, i’m not trying to impress someone! That’s why i stopped seeing therapists! The first lady i went to, whom a friend highly recommended – i shared with her the issues i was having and she asked me what i’d done so far. So i shared with her all of the things i’d done and her eyes kept getting bigger and bigger and she asked me if she could write down the things i shared because i had shared some brilliant ideas that she hadn’t thought of… and she had NOTHING to offer me! I had out-thought her! I felt cheated when i paid her!!! She gained more from that session than i did!
Also – i’ve noticed that i seem to only need to air my problems – because i start connecting the dots when i start sharing. I don’t know why it happens more effectively when i share with a person as opposed to just writing in my journal though. Speaking of writing in my journal, i’ve given myself a fun assignment! Made a third entry today! I was wondering why JB found me interesting to talk to, when he’s had opportunities to meet so many people from all over the world. i’ve always known i have had a more interesting experiences than most people who haven’t had the opportunity to travel a lot, but JB has traveled more than i have, and had wilder adventures than i ever will. Well…. only JB can answer that question… but i decided i would write down all the reasons that I think i’m awesome and interesting, because, truth is, i DO like living with myself. And i am hard to satisfy! Somehow, i have satisfied myself. That’s because i’m interesting enough for me. That’s why i don’t have time to get bored. I get stressed and overwhelmed, but never bored!
I really like my exercise. lol 😀 Today, i wrote TO me instead of about me, and had a good conversation with myself. I believe, the reason i’ve never been able to do the things that i want to do for myself is because i never truly appreciated myself before. But as i sat and had a good chat with myself and told myself why i’m so happy that i live with me, i felt myself get behind myself and able to listen to my own advice. Now i feel like i can make rules for myself and i WILL follow through. Especially since one of my rules is to makes sure i make at least one unwise decision a week! lol 😀
~ vino
Hi Heidi!
I am figuring out the confusion. I sent a quick text to JB, telling him i needed his point of view with my struggle, but i haven’t been able to write because i’m just getting more and more confused. And he tried to call me… but i was out with the younger one getting craft supplies and groceries, and i missed his call. Later, i wasn’t able to get myself to the BJJ class. I was feeling too sick, and my eyes were literally not focusing. So i went to church instead. There’s a service they have on Tuesday nights that i stumbled upon last tuesday. Opens with a song, ends with a song, and total silence in between, so people can meditate and pray on their own but in the presence of each other… very different from anything i’ve experienced before. It was different this time. I was prepared for it. So i really got into it. After the closing song, i sat still and just listened, and the sounds of the people walking out and softly greeting each other and then fading out as they left…. it was so beautiful. The silence in the Sanctuary grew deeper and heavier, and it was very much alive. It covered me and seeped into me, and soon, all other sounds were gone, except for the last few worship items being put away. And i soaked in the Silence like i was parched. I could feel it soothing me.
When i walked out, i immediately shared that experience with JB and he absolutely loved it. When i got home, i saw that my eyes were focusing again. And when i sat down to write, my thoughts were articulate. My daughter interupted, wanted to watch some shows together, but i wanted to write. She had her craft thing to do anyway, and she would’ve been ok with not watching shows for one night… but my mind was working fast and clear. I asked her how many episodes were left to the end of the story line that we were in the midst of – there were just 3 – so we watched those 3 together and i was able to keep writing.
My entire confusion – surrounds the children. I cannot live a lie. It will eat away at me and affect every other part of my life. TO me, my oldest is a son, the younger is a daughter. In my children’s world – things are different. When i talk to their friends, i have to be careful not to slip up and misgender or misname them. I resent that. I feel like i’m playing pretend to keep strangers happy. But, to my children, it’s all very real. It’s never going to be real to me. No more than colors will be real to a person born blind. i can never feel or experience what they do, and there’s no scientific proof for any of their beliefs either. If i go along with it, i will feel like i’m faking it, and they will feel like i am mocking them. Even i will feel like i’m mocking them. And i do not mock. I have always treated my children with the utmost respect. I cannot live with myself if i mock anyone or take lightly the things they hold dear. Neither can i go against my own heart.
I need to figure out a way of cutting off my current connection to them, and learning to see them again in a different way. Like JB sees them. I picked JB because he sympathizes with how i feel, and doesn’t tell me that it’s not about me, it’s about them. I’ve been told that too many times, and it makes me angry. I’m a part of it too. If i weren’t a part of it, it wouldn’t affect me so! Kanya – that’s why i haven’t sought out the support groups for parents with trans children. I tried speaking to the mother of one of kids’ friends who is trans. She was SO protective of the children, that there was zero room to speak of my own pain. If she had any pain of her own, she wasn’t about to show it. I need to be able to talk about my side of things, so i can live with MYSELF!
I had a brilliant idea in the shower after that. Actually i cried first. The shower is a great place to cry. The water feels like tears too, so, you get to cry buckets and buckets of tears and get washed in it. Also muffles sounds. I started out humming the unknown tune that’s been playing inside of me. It was mournful. And it felt good to hum a mournful tune. Then my thoughts began to surface. I love my son. I love my daughter. I love their names. I love their voices. I love their laughter. They were such beautiful babies. They grew up with such beautiful hearts. They were so much fun with their sharp wits and their incredible sense of humor. They are so openhearted and personable. Their relatives in Ethiopia were so surprised when meeting them after 10 yrs, at how easily they connected, because there was no pompous arrogance in my children.
I will never be able to say their names again. I will not be able to speak of them using their names again. I will not be able to pick up the phone and speak to them using their names that i know them by, the names that i’ve loved them by. For all practical purposes… my two children are dead. Their bodies are missing and i can’t have a funeral for them. But i deserve to mourn their loss! I don’t care what anybody says! I AM SUFFERING A VERY DEEP LOSS! This is how i need to see it, so i can let go of my own reality and embrace theirs. I need to imagine that they are dead. That their hearts got transplanted into the bodies of these two other kids, that have an uncanny resemblance to my dead children. And i need to learn how to love these two new kids in the way that they desire to be loved.
The very foundations of what i’ve always known to be true, have been shaken down and destroyed. I don’t know what to hold on to anymore. I am just looking for unshakable, unchangeable strands of truth within the chaos, that i can anchor myself with. If not, i will be swept away in the storm. I need something true to hold on to. even if it’s one thing, if it’s undeniably true, that will be all i need.
~ vino
Hi Kanya,
the kids are 21 and 18 (19 next month!)
things are shifting with the kids. I feel like the authenticity between us is weakening, in some way. I’m not sure what part of our relationship is real and what part isn’t real. When i am confused about one thing, the confusion spreads to every other area of my life. I become indecisive, my head feels cloudy, even my eyes aren’t focusing properly. And whatever decisions i make from this space, give me a lot of anguish, because i can’t tell if it’s a good decision or not.
i’ve been meeting more awesome people through the Bjj class. Interestingly, last night, the coach shared a very sentimental post with us in the group chat. He shared how he’s getting so much from the team, filling voids in his heart that have been there for a long time, and how he’s become a better man, father, friend, etc, because of working with us. i could’ve written the same note. It was super sentimental coming from a man. then another of the men shared his feelings, just as emotional and raw! I love these people!!!
Don’t ever, ever, ever believe anyone who says that men don’t feel things the way women do!! IF anything, men feel things deeper! I will, in time, share with them a bit at a time, my struggles with my kids…and i’m hoping that they will be able to provide a safe community for my kids. Not just the Bjj community… but also my former coworkers… they know nothing yet… but that’s only because i’ve never, ever asked for any kind of support from anyone in personal matters.
but i’m at a place where i don’t know how to proceed and i don’t know how much to care. I’m just feeling so perpetually confused! Do i even know anything at all?! The cloudiness in my head is intense! I honestly feel my eyes going out of focus when i try to think!
i have been trying to write to JB for the past 48 hours and the words aren’t forming right. i’d like to pull my hair out, except that i’m trying to take better care of my hair and i don’t want to lose any more of it! lol 🙂
~ vino
Heidi, thankyou! your response lifted my heart. I don’t see anything different in my last message, from the ones before. That just reminds me of how i don’t always see myself as i truly am, and sometimes i should just let others look at me for me. (does that make sense?! lol 🙂 )
There’s something else i haven’t mentioned because of how much it confuses me. When people ask me about my children, i say i have two children. I don’t offer any further information unless they ask for more details. If they do, I tell them i have a son and a daughter. And that is the truth. However, beyond that, it becomes harder to answer the questions. If they ask me who is older? I enter my zone of eternal confusion. BOTH my children are transgendered. My Son, who is older, who is now the ER, wants to be a girl, and the other one, wants to be a boy. So when i say: “I have a son and a daughter” although it is true, i don’t know which one i’m referring to! This causes me a great deal of anguish.
They both know how deeply i love them, and they trust me in a way i’ve never trusted my own parents. So, they don’t insist that i call them by the names they have chosen for themselves and by their preferred gender pronouns. But what am i supposed to do when i talk ABOUT them? Friends’ of the younger one, think i am being disrespectful and unsupportive if i don’t use the ‘preferred pronouns’ – so when i talk to THEM, i use the preferred pronouns and names, and i feel like i’m doing it to keep THEM happy! My kids don’t mind, and i’m their mother, but i’m doing something to make someone ELSE happy, because if i don’t they think i’m being unsupportive! I”ve asked my kids if they feel like i’m not being supportive.. and my kids don’t feel that way!! What right does anyone else have to tell me how to be supportive?! and yet, somehow, they have shoved themselves into my family, and between me and my children, and they aren’t bad people! This whole thing causes me an indescribably amount of stress. I am afraid to ‘misgender’ them in public! And they’re MY KIDS! And they DON”T CARE HOW i gender them!!! Because they KNOW I LOVE THEM UnConditionally!
Anyway. Would you believe that the only person i can freely talk to about them, is JB???!! he understands where i come from, but also… he’s known and made friends with many who have already transitioned so he knows trans people in a way that i don’t!!! In a good way!! He sees them and treates them the same as everyone else! I need to learn to see my children though his eyes!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is the weirdest thing! But, i already know he understands my position, and he understands the pain and confusion i feel in relation to them, and he also understands that i love my children and that they are completely ok with how i call them. So i feel safe learning from him – learn how to re-love my children as they want to be seen by the world. does that make any sense?! It feels like he’s given me a stress-free space to escape to, in the midst of my confusions!
And – if you haven’t watched the movie Rob Roy – you must! it’s better than any romcom ever! i do enjoy romcoms. But i always like to watch what my friends recommend, becasue, not all movies are worth watcing. And when i connect with someone, our tastes in entertainment overlap. Nobody i know has ever mentioned ROB ROY to me. And it is the ABSOLUTE BEST MOVIE i have ever seen in my entire life! it is a historical drama, and the romance is between the man and his wife – which is a whole other level of romance that is so different from dating romance. in a way, it’s far deeper and more beautiful.
Last night, i had more thoughts about the Little Flower. The Little Flower, has nothing to be ashamed of. It is of equal value in the eyes of God, as the most elegant and sought after Rose. That is why He crafted it with such great care and intricacy and tenderness. It takes greater skill to craft something tiny with great detail, than a larger thing with as much detail. Why he put in in the grass where it would get trampled, is incomprehensible. perhaps it was meant to make the grass beautiful? i don’t know. But, the resilience of the Little Flower is unmatched. it needs no gardener and it needs no pampering. IT is wild and free and it although it is cut down a lot, it never stops flourishing. Most of it’s life, it goes unseen by all except it’s Creator. However, every once in a while, a curious and observant human comes along, and sees how amazing the Little Flower is. This human, is different from the average humans who live their lives, oblivious to the beauty that surrounds them in little things. This human, is more like the Creator than the others… sees value in the Little Things, and isn’t easily impressed by the flashy big things… A person who notices the Little Flower… is an incredibly amazing person!
I don’t know if i’m a Little Flower or a big one. I’m not easily noticed, so in some ways i am a little flower. however, when people get to know me, it’s like i’m a Big flower. I stand apart from my peers. I’m as confusing to me as my children are! That’s why i need to still see myself through the eyes of others, and accept how i am seen. So far, people have been so good to me! I have been seen as a person of great value. Thankyou for that!
~ vino
ps – my decision to not write to JB yesterday, was partly because i remembered from my experiments, that when i am physically indecisive, i am not good at knowing myself! So, any decisions to express myself in writing, are filled with confusion. I did write to JB – a short message – i told him my judgment was clouded and i might send him emails i later regret, and apologized in advance. then, when things cleared up, i told him i was feeling better and had decided to take care of myself instead of caring too much about others, and he said: “good girl”. lol 🙂 What is your relationship with the word “girl”??!! i have met women who are offended when they are referred to as ‘girl’. But i have always found it to be … well… i wouldn’t want just anybody to call me ‘girl’ because it feels too familiar. “woman” sounds distant and impersonal. “You’re a good woman” – sounds generic and not very specific and although it doesn’t sound negative, it really doesn’t feel like a good thing either. But ‘good girl’ – carries a whole other feel to it. I’ve never been called ‘girl’ at work, and it would’ve been completely inappropriate, and it would’ve offended me.
interesting thoughts and feelings to explore… 🙂
It’s a little past 4pm as i write this. I’ve had a rollercoaster of a day. I had an appointment for an iron infusion. While i was getting my blood drawn, i got a call from the hospital that my son is going to be transferred to. i was afraid they would transfer him before i got to see him, so i left the infusion center and went to the ER where he’s at. A very kind lady helped me find him. She was smaller than me, but as she walked with me through the maze of corridors, i felt like a child, totally lost and small, and i followed her blindly, completely unable to make decisions on my own. I spoke to my son for a while, who seemed to be doing much better than i was. After my infusion, i sat in the car, for a long time, trying to decide if i should visit my son again or just go home. I was so hungry. I saw an Indian fast food place and wanted to go there, but the thought of running into Indians totally freaked me out. I learn a lot about myself, no matter what’s going on! I had never considered how much strength i need to deal with other Indians. Today was a weak and vulnerable day, and i had to stay clear of Indians, no matter how much i wanted their food!
i know i’m hooked on JB. I was sure, when i started to write to him again, that i would be able to keep my distance. I don’t know if you remember – but when he cut off communications back in April and i hit rock bottom – one of the things he’d said to me was that he only dates Catholics. Well, i had no intention of becoming catholic, because i my mind, there’s no difference between being catholic and orthodox, so i thought he was being too nitpicky. So, when i started writing to him again, it wasn’t to get into a romantic relationship with him. I knew where he stood. And i know where i stand. But i valued his attention, and his ability to communicate, our ability to be raw and honest … yeah. I wasn’t meant to fall for him. I was aiming to build a strong friendship.
However, an unexpected thing happened after i started writing to him. I got curious about the TRUE difference between orthodoxy and catholicism. As i got myself sucked into it, i felt i was going into a dark place that i would never come out of. I also didn’t trust myself to make an honest evaluation, because i felt if i chose to go to a catholic church, i’d be choosing it because of JB. However, JB got impatient with my mental gymnastics because it’s all clear in his own head and he said: “I’m done!” and i thought he had stopped being my friend again. That turned out to be a good thing, because i got to examine the two without JB’s presence to influence my decision and after much anguish, in which i was sure i’d lose my first faithful friend who is orthodox – i decided to become catholic. I’m still incredibly in shock because of that decision. I have no idea where i’m going. All i knew was, i just couldn’t go back to being orthodox with a clear conscience, because of what i’d understood about the Catholic church.
There were a few other things that he’d mentioned that would get in the way of dating – i live too far away, and i have kids. But those were weak, compared to the religion one. So, when my religious stance broke – i had to look closer at the other two. Distance can be undone, but kids cannot be undone. So… even though they need me less and less… they are still a factor… and this week in the ER drove it home to me. But not exactly in the way i thought it would… there was an unexpected happening. I went back to the ER a second time, to drop of some sketch books for my son, and he refused to see me. I left the books there for him, and walked away, wondering why i bother to care so much. I rescued 3 slugs from the hot sidewalk thinking they’re probably more appreciative of my existence than my son! But then, i realized that… maybe i care too much! So, i went home, losing my stress along the way, and decided i was just going to take a long shower, watch another movie that JB recommended, and forget that i’m a mother!
All day, i had a million thoughts going through my head. From my conversation with JB yesterday, i learned a bit more about him. He’s the kind of man who can have any woman he wants. He’s had many opportunities to settle with women who are far greater than i am. And yet… i have caught his attention. How is that possible? You know those little flowers that grow in the grass that nobody ever sees? that’s what i always saw myself as. AS perfect as a larger flower, with as much detail and beauty, but too small to ever be seen, to small to ever be valued enough to be planted in a garden, to small to clip and add to a bouquet … just meant to live in silence, being beautiful and perfect for no one, except the Power that created it.
Why does he value my opinion? Why is he so happy when i appreciate a movie that he loves? HE recommended another one, and it must be another of his absolute favorites, because he was anxious that i trust his recommendation and said: “Please trust me!”
During the day, i felt myself putting myself down because of how weak i was feeling. I was sure that the reason JB likes me is because he has failed to notice that i’m a Little Grass Flower. I was going to send him some stupid emails with my foolish thoughts, but i couldn’t gather those foolish thoughts in time. When i got back from my 2nd trip to the ER, and my head began to clear, i started to see things a bit differently. JB knows a lot of women… he’s been working with some of the most powerful women in the country. His diving instructor is a woman whom he holds in the highest regard. He’s traveled the world with her with other powerful men and women. He doesn’t treat me like an disposable person to entertain himself with for a little while and then toss to the side. He treats me with an incredible degree of respect, and i don’t even understand why.
He knows i’m not working right now, and have a lot of time on my hands, and yet.. he told me he would never recommend a movie that would waste my time. i remember watching a movie some weeks back, wondering if i could recommend it to him, but it got weak at some point, and the thought that crossed my mind was: “Not worth his time.” He values my time too! SO… i took a deep breath… and shifted my view point of me… If i keep devaluing myself, i’m devaluing him too! And the time he spends on me! I have to see myself the way he sees me. As an equal, worthy of his time. As equal as the other amazing women in his life whom he respects greatly!
So i’m incredibly glad my mind was slow today and i didn’t send him a stupid message telling him i’m a Tiny Flower not worthy of his attention! lol 🙂
ok – i’m need to go pamper myself for a while now, and watch a good movie… i’ll tackle the rest of your messages tomorrow when i have a clearer head.
Heidi – i truly appreciate your time and the thoughtfulness of your responses!
~ vino
Hi Heidi!!!
First off – i don’t get defensive often. And secondly, if i do, i think it’s an excellent time to explore why i’m getting defensive, and that takes me down some awesome paths of self discovery! so, it’s a win-win every time!!! 🙂
JB was going to call me around Noon today. i’ve been trying to make an emergency appointment for my son – and i just heard back from the clinic saying they have an appointment available at 11:30am. I was SO, SO, SO upset! I’d rather talk to JB than anything else! What if he’s not free anytime after noon and i have to wait another day or a few days to talk to him?! And why does my time with JB matter to me more than my son?! I’m so upset on so many levels! JB said he’d call me later – around 5pm or so. He wasn’t upset about anything. He doesn’t get upset at me for anything. The one day he was going to call, i asked him to send me a quick message just before he called, because my daughter was home, and i wanted to make sure she wasn’t in the same room when i took a call from him. He sent me a message, and my phone didn’t make the sound i was waiting for – the phone was right beside me the whole time! I didn’t see his message till almost an hour later! i was so, so, so, upset! So, i messaged him back and told him my notification had gone stupid again, and he simply asked if it was ok to call then and he called, and he told me it was ok, but i wasn’t ok. i was mad at my phone. Writing this down, i see that i’m behaving like a spoiled child. 🙁
You’re right about none of us ever being able to understand fully, the life of another. I’ve often said that myself, and i never ever say to anyone: “I know how you feel” because that’s the biggest lie in the world! I can never understand how someone else feels! i can only understand what I might feel, if i were experiencing the exact same things as they are! And we all experience things differently!!! I can only listen and create a space where they can freely talk about exactly what they are feeling, and i can only accept what they express, as their whole truth and reality, and respect their experience, and support them in whatever way THEY think would be supportive. I throw out ideas if they can’t think of anything – and ask if that would be helpful.
Tell me more about sexual energy as a WHOLE SYSTEM. what does that even mean? How do i nourish it? I cannot curb my imaginations. Not fully anyway. But i don’t share them. Are you suggesting i should share them with JB? I’ve been working on ‘indulging my senses’ more. I bought myself some flowers on my mini-vacation. They’re real, but they look dry, and they keep looking good for a long time. then i hunted for a vase to fit them in. And i didn’t look at the price of anything. I just looked at what appealed to my eyeballs at the moment. I’ve never allowed myself to indulge like that, because i’m always looking at the price of things, to see if they are worth it or not. I’ve decided it has nothing to do with the item – but if i like something, then it’s worth it, even if it’s a cheap piece of plastic!
i have to go! Thanks for the thoughts! i have to think about how much fear i have about getting into a relationship…
~ vino
There’s another reason i wasn’t serious about JB when i first started writing to him. He doesn’t have kids. When i was on the dating sites, i completely avoided every man who didn’t have kids, because 1. He might want kids, and i don’t want any more. 2. A part of me will always belong to the kids no matter what. No matter how hard I try, the life of the kids affects me – I can’t be fully happy, unless they are. Their needs always matter to me, even if I can’t help them, so they’ll take up mental space. And if things aren’t right with them, it affects my mood, and my availability to anyone else. A man who has his own children knows all this, and is ok with it. But a man who doesn’t have his own kids, even if he understands it on a mental level, will feel slightly cheated, because he’s never going to be #1 in my heart and mind and soul. If he is committed, he’ll be able to give 100% of himself, but i will never be able to give 100% of myself anymore.
Right now, i’m sitting with my son… and he burst all my happy bubbles. During out trip, he got upset with me about how i spend my money. He got so angry, that he completely shut down. We sorted it out via text, but i wanted to spend more time talking to him about it, so he’d understand MY relationship with money. BUT – he’s not interested. And i feel disrespected, because he was angry, and yet, he won’t hear my side of it. Now he ‘doesn’t care’ because he knows i’m not obligated to follow anybody else’s idea of how i should spend my money. I was hoping i’d be able to share with him, how i make my decisions regarding money, because they are different from his father’s who is very attached to his money and values it more than people.
____________________________________________I just got back from dropping him off. He gets upset at himself when he shuts me out. He was going to walk home, 5 miles in 94F+! Just like he was going to walk home the other night, and it was past 10pm. Before we got to the house, he said we could talk about it again, when he’s not so preoccupied with his college meal plans. I said, sure. I’ll always make room for the kids to talk to me. They need to know they can come to me at any time, so i never close the door on them. When they were little, it was literal – i never closed my bedroom door, so they’d never have to stand outside and wonder if they could come to me.
That’s the kind of availability that i want to give to the man who loves me. And i will never be able to do that!!! It makes me feel like i’m handicapped, because my freedom is slightly compromised. Anyone who travels with me, will also have their freedom compromised, because they will have to think about handicapped access to places, and there will be places that they could go to, but i couldn’t go with them. I will curb their freedom. I know this came up in a previous post – about freedom. I value freedom a LOT. I’ve never had it, my entire life. Not to the fullest degree that i’ve always craved it. I’ve always had to think about someone else first, and how my actions would affect them. No matter what anyone thinks or says, having to think about someone else first, IS a LOSS of Freedom! (in a practical sense).
That’s not to say that it’s not a worthy loss! Far from it! And also, i’m not saying that there’s isn’t a different kind of freedom that you’ll find in that compromise. There is! Every decision we make has a tether, and a form of freedom. But, to focus only on the perks of a decision, and turn a blind eye to the risk, is wrong. When i spend money on something, i ask myself if i could live with the loss of that amount – in case the product doesn’t live up to it’s hype. IF i’m willing to take the risk – i am free to act and i am ok with whatever happens – either good or bad – because i have calculated the risk and accepted the loss. Then i hope for the best, and leap, with no regrets.
It would be wrong of me, to hide the risks of investing in me, no matter how massive the perks are. And i believe i DO have a lot to offer! If he is still interested in investing in me, i will gladly accept his offer, and multiply it a hundred fold! Of course, this would have to be mutual. He’d have to value what i offer him too. I know there are things about me he values. Last night, i watched a movie he recommended. He said it was a 4 star movie. He’s a hard one to please, because he said he walked out of MY Favorite movie!! Well… i completely enjoyed his movie. Except that, i couldn’t give it a 4 star, and i tried, because i know he’s a harsh critic, so i was looking for the value he found in it. But i couldn’t lie. So, i told him it was a great movie, but i couldn’t give it more than 3 stars. I wondered how he would respond… would he be interested in knowing why it didn’t satisfy me as much as it satisfied him? If he was interested, how awesome that would be! We could be 100% honest and not be afraid of offending each other!
he texted me back after about 2 hrs and said he was very interested in hearing my thoughts! 🙂 Needless to say, i am very excited to share my thoughts. I absolutely LOVE shredding movies and shows to pieces. lol 😀
But… my excitement sort of faded… when i got into that tussle with my son. So, i needed to wait, till i could put him out of my mind, and focus on sharing with JB again. That’s a loss of time and enthusiasm. What if I was meeting with JB at a certain time, and something like this happens? I”d show up with a heaviness in me, and pass it on to him. So, isn’t it fair, that he fully knows and is willing to take that risk, of having me show up with in a sour mood because of my kids?! (I know.. there’s a million things that can turn a person sour… but… kids are different, in that i can’t cut myself off from… and that’s why i feel like they’re an issue, and a restriction on MY freedom and availability).
Is there a way i can cut myself off from my kids? And keep them from affecting my moods? I can do that easily with coworkers, and the whole world going insane, and so many things in life… but how do i free myself from my kids without compromising my availability to them??!!
~ vino
Hi Heidi!
275 miles today. Made it home in one piece!
Your questions – how and why? Do you mean, how do you go about learning how to listen to your body? Or how & Why does the body trap emotions and feelings? How long does it take?? Depends on your ability to understand what i’m talking about! lol 🙂 A curious mind will be better able to understand, than someone who just swallows everything they hear. So, for example, you are asking questions about what i said – you are clarifying my thoughts for yourself, so you can get a clearer picture of my ideas. Once you see my picture in your head, you could either dismiss it completely or you could start to wonder if it’s true? It’s simple to test it out – you have a body, you can practice my ideas, and see what you come up with. Then, you’ll know if it’s true for you or not. If it doesn’t work right away, you could dismiss it again, or you may wonder if you truly understood what i was saying. So, you could clarify with me again, and give it another shot, or you might decided it’s too boring and not worth your time, and you’re done with it.
It won’t work very well for a person who completely swallows everything i say, word for word, because the strength of my idea lies in a person’s ability to examine themeselves, or at least their willingness to learn to do so. Someone who believes everything i say, will think the ‘magic’ lies in asking the perfect question and finding a specific answer. So, they may want to know what it means if their breath is shallow, but their shallow breath could be different from mine! There may be similarities, so you could use my answers to guide you in search for yours, but if you’re looking for an identical solution, it will be a disaster. The idea is to learn to listen to your OWN body, not to fit your body’s language to mine.
Thanks for your feedback on JB! I believe you are right about his ability to keep his balance. He’s been in a high pressure job for a very long time, but he doesn’t behave like the stressed out people that i know! His reading IS important to him! And i love that about him! He was humiliated in school, publicly, for his inability to read and all his other bad grades. Then, he turned into this reading monster. I think he goes through a book a week. And there’s no rhyme or reason to the books he chooses. Something takes his fancy and he goes after it. Last week, he was reading about wolves. He takes a walk to the park, finds a good tree, sits under it and reads!!! I don’t read as much as he does. But i can ask questions about anything, because i have an insatiable curiosity. So, it makes no difference what topic he throws out, we have a great conversation. And i can connect his knowledge to things that are in my head already, and i can even understand what he’s talking about. so he thinks i’m a great conversationalist. i completely agree with that too. lol 🙂
We don’t flirt. We accidentally slipped into a flirty conversation when we first started writing to each other, and it escalated very fast. The chemical storm it stirred up was too much for me to deal with and whatever i said to him afterwards, got him to say we should meet. then he got freaked out like he’d lost control or something, and backed out and didn’t write to me for two weeks. When we started writing to each other again, we avoided flirting as if by agreement. lol 🙂 We do have silly conversations though. And we have had a lot of discussions about our views on sex as well. He wanted to know what my fantasies are, and i told him, i don’t like talking about them, because i get super depressed when i think about my fantasies, because i’ve had them for as long as i can remember and i’m probably too old now, for any of them to come true. So, until i meet a man who is serious about me, i’m not even going to think about them.
in a way, i think we’ve been able to talk freely about sexual things, when we share it indirectly as ‘friends’ rather than directly as possible romantic partners, because we’re able to be more honest. So, i’ve told him that i’m not interested in a casual relationship, because that would hurt me too much. I know that when we first started to write, he was looking for casual. And i was infatuated enough with him that i seriously wanted to find out if i could experiment with a casual relationship! I’ve decided i’m not going to do that! not even for him! i don’t care if i die a semi-virgin! i am not disposable! I don’t know if he’s changed his mind and decided he wants more than a casual relationship. I also know sex matters to him a great deal, so he can’t be in a relationship with someone who isn’t sexually compatible with him. i don’t know how to work through that! lol 🙂 Truth is, i have no sexual boundaries. The most important thing for me is trust. if there is trust, then i feel like i’m so completely free and the only thing that will limit our experiences is our imagination! But, i haven’t had a chance to test out my own belief! So, i don’t know if i can back myself up on that!
maybe he’s trying to figure out if i’m worth taking a leap of faith for. maybe i should do the same and we meet halfway? i know he values his relationships deeply and he isn’t flippant. I do recognize some of his bonding to me. I know i make him feel good, because of whatever it is about me that inspires trust, that allows him to speak with me freely. i mailed a card to him today, from our mini-vacation place. it was something i had to do in writing, because of how much it means to me. His name is the same as the ex. till i ran into his profile, i avoided anyone with the same name. So, when i wrote to him, i had no intention of anything getting serious – because of his name! I know, humans don’t have the power to heal each other. We can only channel God’s healing power to each other. Through JB, the trigger power of a name has been diffused. The pain is no longer attached to the name. One of the managers at the store had the same name. I remember how my body stiffened when i learned what his name was. I had to put on a mental and emotional armor every time i had to use his name. No more pain in the name! Such a freedom! Growing up, besides his grades, his name was also mocked. His last name. So, he’s got a lot of deep emotions surrounding his name. Although my deep emotions were surrounding his first name, not his last name… i think my experience of healing will still affect him in a positive way. I don’t need to make things up to make him feel good. I just share the truth, and the body knows when it hears a truth. 🙂
when someone makes you feel good… you bond. right?
i have to ask him sometime, if he is also afraid to meet!!! but not right now…
~ vino
Hi Heidi!
Listening to the body – is simply being conscious of the feelings in it, instead of focusing on our thoughts and feelings, which are much harder to ignore. However, thoughts and feelings are actually secondary to the feelings in the body – because the body never forgets, so it is filled with patterns of abuse and suppressed emotions. When you wake up in the morning, even before anything has happened, the patterns in your body dictate your thoughts and feelings. They create the lens through which you experience the world. So, if you have been full of Sadness all your life, your body has a SAD lens, or a SAD shape, and it distorts all of your experiences, so, even if you are experiencing something that is fully happy, your body adds a tinge of sadness to it.
So – in ‘listening’ to your body – you are creating a gap between the body and the mind – and examining the Shape of your body – look for tension and stress patterns, tinglings, pain, differences in temperature, pulse rate, breathing, degree of mental alertness, type of headaches, heaviness or limpness of the body, etc etc etc. I’ve seen diet plans in which they advice you to first take a week, to simply observe your natural eating patterns, before you start a new diet. And that’s what we need to do first – simply observe how the body functions and take note of the changes each day, and also note what thoughts and feelings are predominant on that day. That gives you a baseline to the connection between the thoughts and the body, and you know the connection between your body language and your mental language. Then, you observe the strengths and weaknesses of each state. Your goal, is to never judge and change – you want to observe first. Just this simple act of listening to your body, creates a pause that prevents you from jumping into your preconceived mental state, which is hard to escape from.
The reliability of the sensations – the primary ones are reliable – pain is reliable. Sadness isn’t. Sadness, however, is rooted in pain. And it can be dealt with much easier than with pain, because all you need to do is cry. However, we tend to not cry, so sadness gets embedded in our body, and it increases the pain. It takes a bit of practice, but it’s fun! 🙂 And you learn all kinds of cool things about your body! As you learn to listen to, and appreciate your body and all that it does to protect you – the way you see yourself begins to shift!!! And you get to the place where you just KNOW you are awesome!
Kids are ready to go… so i’ll answer the rest later!
Just a quick one – i can see how i am being romantic in my behavior towards JB, but how is his behavior romantic towards me? I am trying to take things at face value and not attach any deeper meaning to anything he does or says. For instance, when he says: Sorry Vino, i can’t text right now – it means just that. So, when he responds, i know he has time, when he doesn’t, he doesn’t. We don’t talk EVERY day. He’s an extremely disciplined person, unlike me. One day, he said he was reading, so he didn’t want to chat. I could never do that. lol 🙂 I guess what i’m saying is, i can see how i set aside a lot of my life to make room for him, but he’s not doing the same for me, so he just sees me as a regular friend, right? That’s how it is in my mind.
~ talk later!
VinoPS – I just remembered another fear factor in meeting him – there is the chance that we DO connect in person, as strongly as we have emotionally. And that is JUST AS SCARY! because if that happens, i know for sure, my brain will shut off. And i am afraid of my brain shutting off, and losing control.
Hi Heidi!
I haven’t narrowed down the demographics of whom i’d like to work with yet. It may be a very wide range. The problem, in a nutshell, is self-worth. But – it is finding your self-worth through your body. I’ve been observing the body/mind connection a lot. I thought, my healing came only because i found a friend who was willing to invest 3 yrs in me. But what of those who don’t have such a friend? That’s what was weighing heavily on me, because i went through years, mentally flipping through the names of all the people i knew, and crossing them off as being available to me. I’ll bet there are many, many, many people, who simply wish they had a friend to talk to. There’s a major difference between talking to a therapist and talking to a friend, because of the monetary exchange. I have learned that my body is my constant friend, and all i need to do, is learn to listen. At first, i thought that’s a second level healing – that what i went through with my friend was the primary level – that you cannot begin to heal without the help of another person. But that is untrue. Your body can be your friend right from the beginning, all you need to do is take it seriously. And that’s my role – to show people how to listen to their body and they take it from there.
The self worth issue is entirely due to lies – lies others tell us and lies we tell ourselves. Our bodies are such straight shooters that they cannot accept a lie or live a lie – hence the success of ‘lie detectors’. WE also intuitively know if someone is lying or not, even without a lie detector. So, one thing that erodes self worth – is being told you have no value. When does it stop hurting to be told that??!! NEVER!!!! and pain is a sign of something that is wrong. A lie is a wrong. If something someone says to you hurts, you need to look at it as a lie first! If the lie devalues you as a person, your body knows that it’s not true! (that’s how you differentiate between a negative feedback about the work that you do vs a devaluing of you as a person). Lies you tell yourself – destroy your self worth from inside. For example, if you cheat on a test, and nobody knows but you, you cannot feel completely proud of your accomplishment. Even if you get calloused and continue to cheat in life – your BODY cannot live with the lies. So – you become defensive, you become more aggressive, you need constant external validation, you cannot deal with anyone standing up to you, you become a control freak and a bully – either overtly or subtly. Anyway – that’s a solid place to start listening to your body!
Heidi – why do you say JB isn’t my friend? I recognize MY feelings for him, but why do you think HE doesn’t see me as just a friend? If we don’t like each other romantically when we meet, i believe we can still be friends – because – chances are, i will like him, but he won’t like me. I’ve seen pictures of two of his past girlfriends. He has a type. I’m not his type. I believe, our friendship will continue, till it gets to be too painful to be ‘just friends’ for one of us. Most likely me. And when it gets there, i’ll tell him i can’t do it anymore. That’s my plan. And i know it involves a lot of pain for me. To be honest, i don’t know why i’m willing to do it. I have zero hopes of being his girlfriend! But for now, it’s so comforting to have him in my life.
I’ve been making more friends at the BJJ class. Even men! Truth is, i don’t know if i will ever meet a man who is interested in me romantically. the kind of men i am drawn to – their options are endless. i am getting older. my value is on the inside. i can win against most women if it’s only the inside that counts. But the outside matters, even to me, so how could it not matter to a man? Even though i have more confidence in my body that i ever did in my entire life, the reality is that my body is getting older and it is dying. My uterus is trying to bleed me to death again. i’ve no idea how i’m going to change with menopause and all that stuff. My hair is falling out. it makes me sad. I had beautiful hair. It’s so thin now. And it’s behaving in a weird way. I put it in a bun on top of my head when i sleep. When i loosen it in the morning, it doesn’t fall to my shoulders. It stays up, as if it weighs nothing! i don’t like that! what happened to the weight in my hair?! I know i’m not unattractive, but, i AM old! and it’s honestly making me sad!
i also found out, that i still have a ton of healing to do from my 20 yrs of marriage! i started doing some paperwork for anulment, in the catholic church, and it brought back memories, and there was something in the form that totally triggered me, and i wanted to scream and scream and scream. I cried a lot. It made me feel like i’d been stabbed with a jagged weapon and i was being told i’d have to live with it. It’s been more than 2 yrs. why does it still cause me so much pain? As long as i have a massive wound like that, how can i love anybody the way they deserve to be loved?
Anyway. I’m hoping we can enjoy a bit of vacation with for the next few days. The Storm Isaias might make that a bit difficult! lol 🙂
~ vino
Hi Heidi & Kanya!
Just wanted to jot down a quick update on things.
Regarding work – i’m not currently working. I’ve been looking to see if i can start my own life coaching business. I took a class with Stacie Overman – who was doing a 2wk intro kind of course, that i found out about through one of James Bauer’s newsletters! So, i’m currently working with her. I had some serious doubts as to what i truly have to offer, because i’ve always felt like things fall apart around me and i’m always finding myself back in square one.
However, i took a closer look at my ‘square one’ this time, and realized it’s not the same Square One of 10 yrs ago. My self-worth is intact! Whatever is falling apart around me, no longer affects the part of me that believes that i am totally worth being a friend to! So, i’m working on mapping my journey, and figuring out what got me to this place, because it’s a solid place to be! And it’s a place that many people aren’t at yet!
The kids and i are going to make another attempt at a small vacation trip to the Finger Lakes. My car is running fine and i just need to keep an eye on the motor oil. In 2 weeks, my oldest will be heading off to college 2 hrs away. I won’t be around to ‘rescue’ him in emergencies anymore, and i’m not so sure how i feel about that! of the two, he is the weaker one, and i don’t like him being so far away. But, i also know, he needs to be on his own, to find his strength.
JB has called me several more times. He keeps dislodging memories and making me think about things i never took the time to think about. I was re-reading some of my older messages to him, and i noticed that the degree of transparency in my current messages, make the old ones look fake! What exactly was I thinking, when i thought our communication was honest & open before??!!! I’m not a phone person… and yet… my phone calls with him are never less than an hour each time. When we hang up, i want to talk to him again! lol 🙂
But – I’m not ready to meet him yet. I’m not sure why i feel that way. Last night, i started to feel distant, not just from JB but from life in general, and i need to find out what it is that i’m not paying attention to.
Oh… just for fun, i looked up Capricorn men. Why is it so freaky accurate?! There isn’t anything about him that has deviated from the descriptions of a Capricorn man!!! The things i’ve learned about him from my own communication with him, are accurate too. Like the reason for his slowness – it’s because he takes things seriously – if i were a disposable person in his eyes, he wouldn’t take the time to get to know me, especially now, with things going crazy at the NYPD! He said that being able to talk so freely, is a very satisfying and liberating feeling. I’ve told him things that i’ve never ever shared with anyone else, not even in my own private journals because of how ‘real’ something becomes when you write it down. He mentions frequently, how he’s told me things he’s never told anyone else, as if he’s surprised about it himself. lol 🙂 I am actually enjoying the slow progress in our friendship. I don’t want to define it in any other way, unless a definition is 100% accurate! There’s a big part of me that wants to avoid anything romantic or physical, because it would carry too much significance, so i need to be completely sure of what’s going on before going down that path!!!
However, i DO like talking about him, and that’s why i had to write today!!! lol 🙂 And it is hard not to think of him all the time! Especially when he says things like: “Think of me, i’ll be at work till 1am” – when he hangs up! Every time he sends a message and says: “I’ll call you tonight”, i can’t think of anything else for the rest of the day! You know how when you’re on the phone, it’s easy to talk over the other person, because you can’t SEE them gathering their thoughts, so you both start talking at once? I’m usually slower to say something, so i can give the other person room to go first, and if we do start talking at the same time, i always stop first so the other person can talk. With JB – he’s very quick to stop first, so i can talk. It makes me feel like he’s in no hurry to say the things he wants to say, and that he wants to listen to me as much as he wants to talk to me, and like i have his full attention, and that feels endlessly good!
So, there’s this other side of me, that belongs to him already and doesn’t care about anything else. lol 🙂
~ vino
